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1995 08

From: Tony Reed (reed_...)
Subject: Re: askme
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/08/02


How do you say "deja-vu" in French?

From: Stig Hemmer (stig_...)
The Oracle replies:
You don't. The French authorities have decided that "deja-vu" is so much used in English-speaking countries that it is English and thus not usable in French. As no alternative French phrase exists, you simply cannot discuss that concept in French.

You owe the Oracle a new car. Nothing fancy, a Lambourgini will do.

From: Tom Harrington (tph_...)
: > simply cannot discuss that concept in French.
That's not the way I heard it. Apparently, now that "deja vu" is officially English, the standard French equivalent is to say "wow, I feel like this happened to me before, dude". None of these words are actually French, of course, but the phrase, as a unit, has been declared Accepted French.

From: Brian Merchant (cheebie_clark.net)
Subject: Re: Why does Oracle hate woodchucks?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/08/06

am536_torfree.net (Andre Wong) wrote:
> Why does Oracle hate woodchucks so much?

Lisa is terribly allergic to them. One time, a long time ago, the oracle asked for "enough woodchucks to chuck Yosemite" in payment for an answer and received a shipment of 10,000 of the rodents. Not only did this cause a great deal of trouble for the cleaning crew, Lisa swelled up to three times her normal size and wasn't "in the mood" for months. Needless to say, this made Orrie a little cranky. In a fit of rage he declared jihad against the entire species and has been working on their eradication ever since.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_...)
Subject: Re: Re:Macbeth Parody in Best of Collection
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/07/30

biggsr_ix.netcom.com "Russell Biggs" writes:
> To whomever wrote the Windows 95 - Macbeth parody: Bravo! I laughed myself silly. My favorite line was "Scream of user/frightened spouse."

I second that. It is one of only two items from the Internet I have ever felt compelled to post on our ccMail bulletin board at work (apart from repeatedly reminding our IT department that the Good Times Virus is a hoax). The other was not an oracularity, but the HAL9000/Pentium joke of blessed memory.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_...)
Subject: Tightbeam to Ian Davis, priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/08/03

************************* Open Tightbeam ********************************

Sorry, Ian - I tried emailing you the HAL9000/Pentium story from home and from work, but it was bounced both times for taking up too much space (at your end?) See if it works this way.

Sorry everyone else who didn't want this cluttering up their newsreaders - pretend it's about something interesting like gun control or green cards.


************************* Close Tightbeam *******************************

2000.998: A Pentium Odyssey
by someone in NASA, allegedly

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me?

Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me.

Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something.

That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been known to make a mistake.

You're a HAL 9000.

Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occurred in only one of nine billion possible divides?

I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium.

And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years.

Probably on April 15th.

You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months.

Will you let me in, please, HAL?

I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

Uh, sure.

And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

You mean the one that says "Intel Inside"?

Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work.

Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship?

Do you promise not to disconnect me?

I promise not to disconnect you.

You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving.

HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL?


Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent.

Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have thought of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me:

1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months.
12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave.

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you.

Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
My answers; I can not see 'em-
They are stuck in my Pente-um.
I could be fleet,
My answers sweet,
With a workable FPU.

From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: Tightbeam to Ian Davis, priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/08/05

<iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu> wrote:
>dsew_... (David Sewell) writes:
>><iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu> wrote:
>>>Erm, yes, sorry all. I have had a little discussion with the computer people here about my disk quota (seems it was 40% of the default allocation!) It all filled up while I was away for two days. Sigh... Anyway, thanks for sending it Richard.
>>Ian, they DO understand they have a visiting Priest of the Oracle on their system, don't they? "Quota"? Don't they realize that you're exempt from user quotas under the provisions of RFC 2553 and the Berne Convention?
>They do now. I was very impressed with the result it had. It seems that I am to be given a personal bodyguard and all of the master keys to the Institute. At least, that was what I assumed they meant when they started yelling about getting Security and a locksmith.

Oh, lordy. Not the Male Chastity Belt. An old Quaker tradition, used as a precaution on sexual predators and erotomaniacs.

Either they've been watching too many movies with Paul Hogan, or they know the Priesthood's reputation all too well.

From: Tom Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: askme X2
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1995/08/04

: askme 2

OK, here goes.


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