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1996 02

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: Tell me...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/02/18

rey_... (Dick Yuknavech) wrote:
: Why? Because.
: a) It's fun.
: b) You could learn something [1]
: c) But above all, it's CHEAP.

You must not be paying your debts, man. You know, "You owe the Oracle..."? I know my precious gems of wisdom have cost me dearly. I mean, the Oracle starts small, so the hamburger and beer he asked for after my first query was no trouble. Then he wanted a 31 inch color TV, which I had to finance. Next time it was a BMW painted to look like, well, those rodent things he hates. Then, I think I caught him in a bad mood just before Christmas because I had to get him every single item in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" song (and I'm STILL cleaning bird shit out of my living room. Damn turtle doves...). Now, he wants me to get him a business strategy that's guaranteed to save Apple, and I fear his collection agents will soon be arriving...

If you're not paying, watch your step. The Oracle WILL get even.

From: Dick Yuknavech (rey_mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Tell me...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/02/21

Richard Wilson <Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>'Course, being an incarnation has its downside too. Once when the muse of the Oracle was upon me, I demanded Nebraska by way of payment (I have no idea why; I think the muse was feeling kittenish that day). Now what the hell am I supposed to do with it? My wife won't even let me keep it in the house.

It's flat enough...just fold it up real small and bury it in the back yard.

From: Jeff Pack (jfp_brown.edu)
Subject: Re: Inquiring minds gotta know!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/02/19

kbodnar_comnet.ca (K. Bodnar) wrote:
> . . . . Is the Oracle .....
> . . . . . . . . . . rhetorical ?

No, that's his brother, Rhett Oracle:
"Frankly, my supplicant, I don't give a damn."

From: Thomas Pscheidt (pscheidt_ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: How to thank..?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/02/11

gmtst2+_pitt.edu (Gregory M Thorson) writes:
>If I see a response that I really like, I wait to see that it doesn't make the oracularities. Then I post it here.
>The best stuff I've gotten leaves the standard Oracularity fare in the dust, IMHO. No offense against the priesthood, of course... I understand they have little, battery-powered staves of ZOT which are still rather painful.

Actually, every time I see someone post a really fabulous oracularity that somehow, incredibly enough, never made it into the digests, I become more convinced in the collective wisdom and judgement of the priesthood.

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: Rules please
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/02/04

cwaltz_runet.edu (Corey L Waltz) wrote:
: Someone please explain therules to me. I saw this oracle idea and completely love it. I especially liked the jamming printer joke, maybe its a used one that toured with marley.
: Id be grateful for a copy of the rules and whose answering, Thanks.

Send email to oracle_cs.indiana.edu, with a subject of "help". Don't worry about writing a message, it's an auto-responder.

: C.L. Waltz

The Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh by the way, why are we the only moronic country to still not have adapted the metric system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, when the US first gained its independence, it needed a system of weights and measures. Since the country had so recently been colonies of the British Empire, the English system was adopted, since most everyone already knew it (that's why they call it the "English system" even though the Brits don't even use it anymore). Now, the Brits, just having lost a war to the US, weren't about to let us use the system for free, but they did consent to a lease deal. Back around 1800 or so, the nation was young, cash-poor, and still trying to pay off its war debts. The system of measures was thus arranged as a long-term deal to reduce the cost. Apparently it's a 500-year lease, with annual payments, and substantial penalties for early termination. Despite appearences, there's a great deal of support in Washington for adoption of the metric system. But nobody wants to consider breaking the deal (due to the penalties), or simply not using what we're already paying for. Especially with all the budget-balancing debate these days. [This may ultimately prove disastrous; at the rate we're going, we'll be way past the mileage limit by the time the lease ends, and we'll have to pay for every single measurement made over the limit]. The lease will expire at the dawn of the 24th century, and at that time this moronic country may in fact follow all of the other moronic countries in adopting the metric system. That is, if we're not measuring everything in "Gates Units" and "Bills" by then....

} That, and the fact that I have already adopted the metric system, and accepted it into my family as one of my own children. It's full name is now not "Metric System", but "Metric Oracle".

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