Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

1996 06

From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Sad degeneracy of Richard Wilsons transported to Australia
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/20

Richard Wilson <Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu writes:
>> That's "Znanjlqqra Nc Yyle" when you rot13 it. I just thought I'd save everybody the trouble.
<Manawydden Ap Llyr>
>Look here, you descendant of a transported convict, if you're going to mock the noble Welsh people and language, you might one of these days find a heap of rotting leeks shoved through your letterbox, mark you my words now, boyo.

Richard, I scanned the following article on news.admin.misc because I thought at first it was one of yours. Clearly it's not. It does, however, lead one to speculate upon the degenerative effect of the Antipodean environment on the native British intellect, and I am afraid that the preliminary evidence is not in a certain Welsh-bashing Oracle Priest's favor.

From: Richard_B._Wilson_... (Richard B. Wilson)
Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
Distribution: world
Subject: Internet Favourite Topics
Date: 19 Jun 1996 05:01:54 GMT
Organization: Institution of Engineers, Australia
Lines: 7

My favourite topics non engineering on Interenet are:

Gliding or Soaring
Aircraft & Flying
Guitar

Sad, isn't it? Kind of reminds you of Eloi and Morlocks, and all that. To think one is related... Frodo and Gollum... <shudder>


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: Sad degeneracy of Richard Wilsons transported to Australia
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/20

Never mind. I just realized where this is leading.

Ian: Say, David, you're originally from California, right?
David: Yeah. So?
Ian: And the governor there would be...?
David: <ulp> Pete Wilson...
Ian: Now, what were you saying about Australian Wilsons and Morlocks?
David: Well, um, there's also *Brian* Wilson, he wrote some bitchin' songs for the Beachboys before he flaked out..
Ian: Pete Wilson! Pete "Run for the Border" Wilson! Pete "Don't All Governors of California Get to Be President?" Wilson! Pot - kettle - black!
David: Oh, go ahead. Rub it in. Point out while you're at it that if I've descended to inventing imaginary dialogues on a Usenet group I must be rapidly losing my sanity.
Ian: That's just what I was going to observe.
David: Hey, but this is MY dialogue. I can make you say anything I want, just like in a John Barth novel, or that Daffy Duck cartoon where it turns out Bugs is the artist turning him into a polka-dotted seal.
Ian: Metafiction is dead. Just try it.
David: You asked for it! Ian says, "I am a big hairy poofter!"
Ian: That was indirect quotation. Pathetic.
David: I can make you say, "I wish they all could be California girls." I'm going to do it right now.
Ian: No, you're going to end this post. You've already got most of the people who haven't given up already seriously worried about your mental state. Hold out your arm... this won't hurt a bit, just make you sleepy, just a little prick...
David: Comeback... know there's a ... *comeback* I'm supposed to say... in Spanish "pito" means whistle but also "prick", that's why they call him "Pito" Wilson... I'm pickin' up good vibrations... <zzzzzzzzzz>
Ian: <feeling for pulse, finding none> Nyeh-heh-heh... Always did like those "death of the author" plots. <Malevolent smile turns to rictus of horror as he looks down and realizes that he has been turned into a giant polka-dotted seal with a daisy neck-ruff> AUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
David: Ain't I a stinker?
Ian: Th-th-th-th-th-at's ALL, f-f-f-f-f-f-f-olks!

<Deus Ex Machina is slowly lowered onto the post and emerges from his basket carrying a sign reading:>

THIS NEWSGROUP HAS BEEN RMGROUP'ED. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU TOO ARE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. GET A LIFE!

--
Insert life here:


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: Sad degeneracy of Richard Wilsons transported to Australia
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/22

Spike <u5a77_cc.keele.ac.uk> wrote:
>David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu) wrote:
>: THIS NEWSGROUP HAS BEEN RMGROUP'ED. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU TOO ARE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. GET A LIFE!
>And why, prey tell, has it been RMGROUP'ED? Who has the authority to RMGROUP a newsgroup used by a lot of people come to think of it!
>
>I think it's you who should get a life!
>-- [six lines of .sig snipped]
>|GCv3.1 GCS/FA>$ d---(dpu) s+/- a- C++ U N++ K- w-- M+/++ PS+++ PE- Y t+ 5++ |
>|X+/++ R+ tv+ b+ D G e>PhD h/h+ !r! !y-|I can't say F**K either now! >*SULK*<|

Spike, in order to help me follow up to your post, do you think you could upgrade to Geek Code 4.0 and add the relevant code from the IRONY section? Namely one of these two options:

I+++ I have a highly developed sense of irony, delight in saying the opposite of what I really mean, and revel in the nuances of playful Usenet posts.
I--- I am an absolute literalist, and take all words at their face value. I also enjoy undermining people's theories about superior British intellect; it's a good thing my last name isn't "Wilson".

From: Roger Noe (noe_janus.la.platsol.com)
Subject: Re: perpetual September?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/12

Aaron Ucko <UCKO_...> wrote:
>What is this "perpetual September" thing I've seen mentioned several times on this newsgroup lately?

Oh, the delicious irony of a clueless newbie (no offense, Aaron) asking a net.history question. If the irony was intentional, my thanks and congratulations. I need to take my irony supplements daily.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: perpetual September?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/12

Muff <netg_dial.pipex.com> wrote:
> You'll all be pleased to hear that AOL has come to the UK. So not only will I be receiving millions of Compuserve bisks, but also AOL bisks.

Why would anyone in the UK sign up for _America_ On Line? I'd think that the name would be a major tip-off that this service is _not_ for Brits with multiple brain cells.

I _am_ pleased that they've gone to the UK, though. We've had quite enough of them here, thank you.


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Cascades force shutdown of rec.humor.oracle.d
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/08

It is my sad duty to inform readers of this group that Steve Kinzler and the Priesthood, meeting in emergency conclave for the first time since the Perpetual September crisis of 1993, have decided that the epidemic of "cascades" on rec.humor.oracle.d have rendered the group useless for purposes of seriously discussing the Internet Oracle, and effective immediately the newsgroup is being removed from all news servers that abide by Usenet Cabal agreements, or roughly 99.7% of the Net.

Memories for Usenet threads are lamentably short, but some of you may recall that I was guilty of starting the first "Oh no, it's a cascade!" thread in response to a punning response to my own less-than-original suggestion that we all "visualize whirled peas." (Few things in the modern world are more loathsome than the sight of the "freeway cascades" one sometimes encounters in Southern California, where a dozen or more cars drive in procession for endless hours, each bearing a bumper sticker that is a mindless variant on the one preceding, each maintaining a precarious two or three foot distance from the car in front to prevent breaks in the chain. But that is another tale, another sordid consequence of this our "postmodern" condition. Incidentally, my son Edgar, who is in fact an honors student, was manhandled by the offspring of one of the hoi polloi with a bumper sticker boasting that his kid beat up my honors kid. The father, as I learned while he taunted my helplessness, has an account on America OnLine from which he posts advertisements for offshore phone sex lines on Usenet groups in the sci.* hierarchy. So the phenomena are not unrelated. But to return to my confession.)

I remain a Priest. But this does not suggest that my peers and righteous judges have been merciful. With the mere addition of a line or two to the Oracle's mail filter code, they have insured that for the period of a year and a day, all questions referring to an indigenous North American member of genus Marmota shall be forwarded to me, and to me alone.

Farewell, gentle readers. Remember this newsgroup kindly. Even at this late stage your well-wishing might help me avoid the madness into which I feel myself irrevocably sinking, but I fear the vile and unmannerly abuse heaped upon me by a colleague who shall go nameless (save that his initials suggest so well which part of the Freudian psyche rules his behavior) has proved too much to bear, conjoined to the furry burrowing albatross that even now draws me down to the pit.

Yours,
David Sewell
Priest of the Usenet Oracle and Professor of Zemblan Studies,
University of Pimeria Alta


From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: Cascades force shutdown of rec.humor.oracle.d
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/10

dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David "Sometimes a cigar..." Sewell) writes:
> I fear the vile and unmannerly abuse heaped upon me by a colleague who shall go nameless (save that his initials suggest so well which part of the Freudian psyche rules his behavior) has proved too much to bear, conjoined to the furry burrowing albatross that even now draws me down to the pit.

Oh yeah? *You* are. Nyer nyer ner ner ner.

Ian Lloyd Alexander Robert Graeme Elvis Peter Elvis Neil Iain Stephenthroatwarblermangrove Davis


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Ian, correct me if I'm wrong on this one, but under the International Code of Schoolyard Insults, doesn't a competitor who asserts the proposition "I am a big prick" immediately forfeit the contest?


From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
David, you know I'd correct you even if you were right! So, no, I'm afraid that a competitor who asserts the proposition "I am a big prick" *does* immediately forfeit the contest.

Which reminds me, when giving injections I used to tell patients, "Just a little prick," until one day a nice old lady said, "Yes, you are, aren't you?"

I don't say that any more.


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Freeway cascades
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/14

Dylan Walsh <dywalsh_iol.ie> wrote:
>dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) wrote:
>>(Few things in the modern world are more loathsome than the sight of the "freeway cascades" one sometimes encounters in Southern California, where a dozen or more cars drive in procession for endless hours, each bearing a bumper sticker that is a mindless variant on the one preceding, each maintaining a precarious two or three foot distance from the car in front to prevent breaks in the chain. But
>Is there any particular advantage to this or is it just stupidity?

No, the whole point of driving in a freeway cascade is to keep enough following distance so that other drivers can see your bumper stickers, but not enough for anyone else to cut into the line.

This was pretty dangerous in the early cascades, which were usually only two or three cars going faster than everyone else, with the lead car bearing the "root" slogan and the followers bearing the variants. That's how "VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS" got started--it was a couple of guys who would zip up and down at 80 mph, the lead car a Volvo with the standard-issue child carriers and the "Visualize World Peace" sticker & then a raised-bed Chevy truck with the parody tailing it. But "forward cascades", since they had to pass everyone else for the right effect, were too prone to getting pulled over for speeding. So pretty soon people started driving in "reverse cascades", where the root slogan was in the rear and the variants were ahead, and they'd all drive slowly so other cars would pass them. The effect was kind of like a mobile Burma Shave sign series.

I was exaggerating with "a dozen or more". The record I remember was eight--at least, that's the longest I saw myself. A group of guys with VW Beetles started at the beach and drove down the Santa Monica Freeway east, headed I think for the Stanford-Pomona College football game. The first (rear) car had a sticker saying "You Can't Hug a Child with Nuclear Arms". The second read "You Can Drug a Child with New Lucky Charms". I've forgotten the rest except for the eighth, which said, "Your kin chuckle hard at your bollocky chums".

The police started escorting them around Rosemead, but couldn't pull them over because they weren't obviously breaking any laws. Then someone decided they qualified as an automotive parade and didn't have a required permit, so they had to break up.

There's a good freeway cascade scene in the movie "Repo Man".


From: Paul Bogrow (eeyore_...)
Subject: Re: Freeway cascades
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/14

dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) wrote:
>someone decided they qualified as an automotive parade and didn't have a required permit, so they had to break up.

As I recall, this was later solved by always being sure to include one car that contained a corpse, thereby qualifying for exemption as a funeral procession.


From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle] Intro to the Usenet Oracle (Monthly Posting)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/03

Mansfield Cleary <Mansfield-Jean-Charlotte-Cleary_worldnet.att.net> writes:
> Having recently received donor tissue surgically, what is the appropriate gesture to the donor's next of kin?

Well, Mansfield, *if* that's really your name: I realise this was meant to be a question for the Oracle, but you have misdirected it. Send mail to oracle_cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the Subject line: for more information.

Having said that, allow me to offer my thoughts on this subject as a caring physician. It really depends on the organ that you have received. For example, in the case of a heart, a nice Valentine's day card is usually well received. However, other organs do not lend themselves so nicely to such gestures. Recipients of kidneys or bowels who pop in for a visit every day to use the facilities just for old times sake will soon wear out their welcome.

So you see, you really must provide us with more information. By the way, you don't have anybody named Igor hanging around, do you?

Of course, I don't need to tell you of all people about some of the nasty side effects associated with organ transplantation. For example, the worst part about receiving a lung transplant is coughing up somebody else's sputum the next day.

All the best for the future. Be careful your organ does not reject you.


From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: [rec.humor.oracle] Intro to the Usenet Oracle (Monthly Posting)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/05

dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David "Duct tape" Sewell) writes:
> <iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu> wrote:
>>For example, the worst part about receiving a lung transplant is coughing up somebody else's sputum the next day.
> Been skipping our continuing education courses in physician-patient interaction, have we, eh?

No, I was simply being phlegmatic.


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Zotting and phlogiston
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/06/05

<iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu> wrote:
>No, I was simply being phlegmatic.

I'll pass up the obvious pun about your need to be harnessed to the FlogMatic(TM) for a day or two.

But that reminds me of something related... just ran across this entry in the online Encylopedia Oracularia:

PHLOGISTON,

[Index] in early chemical theory, hypothetical principle of fire, of which every [Index] zottable Supplicant was in part composed. In this view, the phenomenon of zotting, now called zottification, was caused by the liberation of phlogiston, with the dephlogisticated substance left as an ash or residue.

Johann Joachim [Index] Becher in 1669 set forth his view that Supplicants contained three kinds of earth, which he called the plodding, the insufferable, and the zottable. He supposed that, when a Supplicant burned, zottable earth (Latin terra zottibilis, meaning "fated earth") was liberated. Thus, woodchuck was a combination of phlogiston and woodchuck ashes. To this hypothetical substance Georg Ernst [Index] Stahl, at about the beginning of the 18th century, applied the name phlogiston (from Greek, meaning "burned").


Subject: Re: HUMOR_INFOBACK.COM
From: tph_... (Tom Harrington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 29 Jun 1996 03:05:14 GMT (date may be off; it's not in dejagoogle; instead, it's rescued off ahbou)

WorldAdNet (worldadnet_aol.com) wrote:
: HUMOR_INFOBACK.COM
: Want to get some really FUNNY stuff?
: YES I am offering you a FREE chance to smile, laugh, roll over the floor holding your stomach!

Cool! Usually I have to PAY someone before I'm permitted to smile and laugh. It's very knd of you to allow us this great opportunity to smile and laugh without giving you money first!

: Hey I'm not making this up..

Whew! For a minute there I thought you were lying. But now I feel reassured.

: many have given rave reviews about the funny material that I have saved from around the world over the years! You may agree with them!

I may? Thank you! It's so nice that you give me permission to do so, when you've already been so generous as to permit me to laugh free of charge!

: A friend of mine told me about something that would save me hours of time...so I went out and got an AUTORESPONDER!

Yessirree, I went right down to Honest Bob's used autoresponder lot, picked me up a bargain!

Oh, and did I mention the auto-newsgroup-spammer that Bob also sold me? This really saves me a lot of time since now I can spam dozens upon dozens of newsgroups at the click of a button!

: IF you would like to get the humor file..Simply send a message to my AutoResponder:

: Humor_infoback.com

: and the file will be sent to you in less than 1 minute!

Note to readers of rec.humor.oracle.d: It would not be very nice to send a message to this autoresponder, with the "From:" line forged to point at a different autoresponder, and then let them melt each other down. That would be mean, and I would not recommend it. I would also not suggest sending the autoresponder a message with "From:" forged to contain the responder's own address, in the hope that this might cause it to commit e-suicide. That would be mean. Don't do it. An especially mean act, which I really suggest you don't do, is to send the autoresponder a message with "From:" pointing at a mail-to-news gateway targeting misc.test and alt.test, thus causing the humor autoresponder to post to those newsgroups and starting a war between it and the various newsgroup autoresponders. That would be *really* mean, so *don't* do it!

: Enjoy the file and have a great week...the weekend is almost here! ; -)

Um, you posted this on a Tuesday. When do AOL users take their weekends?



Main menu 2