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1996 03

From: Chris Larmour (clarmour_...)
Subject: Thanks a bundle...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/03/25

Dear Sir or Madam,

Please find enclosed a copy of a response I received from one of your incarnations. I retain the original for my files.

Normally your service is extremely good, and I have had no cause for complaint. I am now used to bright, cheery incarnations with at least some modicum of humour, and I have not considered taking my questions elsewhere for some years now.

However, as a customer of good standing who always responds on time, I was somewhat taken aback by the enclosed reply. Is it now your policy to employ mindless imbeciles to handle your regular clients?

I await your reactions with interest, and look forward to a full refund.

I have the honour to be
Sir,
Your obediant servant

Christopher Larmour



The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Like, Yo, TIO. Nice tag. Sounds kinda like THEO, ya know? Hehe.
>
> Anyway, so here's the problem, Joey. You listenin'? OK. So look at me so I know you're payin' attenzione. OK. Good. So, me and your Uncle Tony were havin' a little tete a tete over some of your mama's zuchini quattro formaggio, and the subject of your recent cinematic project comes up. You know the one I mean? The one where me and your Uncle Bobby takes care of family business back in Vegas? What the hell did you call it? Yeah, right 'Casino', I got it, very cute.
>
> So anyway, Tony sez, "Vincent, I've been thinkin' about your nephew Joey, and his film project. He's a nice kid and I would hate to see any harm come to him. I love him like a son. But you gotta see that the Capo won't stand for this kinda humiliation. You gotta talk to the kid and make him see it's disrespectful. He should be bringing a tribute to the Capo, not disrespecting him." So I said I'd see you and here we are ehh? Hehe. You know TIO, you should consider your family a little. When times are good we all need to share in the sauce, you know what I'm sayin'? So what I need to know, is, and
> you should think carefully about this, when can we expect to see some of the receipts from your project?
>
> You let me know kiddo. There's no hurry. But remember it's the Capo's birthday this Saturday, and the whole family will be there, including your Uncle Bobby and Uncle Tony, ya know? Good boy. Ciao.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} shut up.
} go away.


From: David Sewell (dsew_...)
In article <4j5l8q$iq_bcrkh13.bnr.ca>, Chris Larmour <clarmour_bnr.ca> wrote:
[...]
>However, as a customer of good standing who always responds on time, I was somewhat taken aback by the enclosed reply. Is it now your policy to employ mindless imbeciles to handle your regular clients?

The Oracle has little jurisdiction in the matter. Contact The Global Internet, Ltd., ATTN: Department of New User Certification.

Be warned, though--their backlog of complaints is up to about six months' worth these days.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard_...)
Subject: Re: the "internet oracle" indeed
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/03/20

tph_... "Tom "Tom" Harrington" writes:
> You're right. The Oracle shouldn't follow trends, he should set them. I propose he be renamed "The Information Superhighway Cyberspace Oracle". This has the advantage that the shortened form-- "TISCO"-- is easily pronounced. Not to mention that it reminds us all of that really cool seventies music scene. Just imagine Orrie in a while "TISCO" outfit, dancing the night away like John Travolta...

Basically brilliant idea, with an intercultural drawback: here in Blighty TISCO will instantly remind people of the supermarket chain Tesco rather than of John Travolta when he still fitted into a 1970s white suit. Of course, on a more commercial Net, perhaps the Oracle should be looking for sponsorship. In which case, why not go for the big boys with a title like "Knowledge-Monger And Regular Thaumaturge"?


From: mulder (mulder_...)
Subject: Foto
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/03/24


From: Kirsten, Grrl o' Destiny (t1kchevalier_...)
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question thoroughly. Thon thanks you for trusting thons psychic intuition enough not to actually type it out. And in answer: no, it is not actually illegal to do that with a fish. However, you should be careful not to let the fish's <CENSORED> get anywhere near your <CENSORED>, as this can be dangerous.


From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: polish language oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/03/14

sowa_... (MICHAEL STILLMAN) writes:
> My wife would like to write to the oracle in POLISH.
> Is this possible?

Of course it is. Simply remove all vowels from her posting, nobody will know the difference.


From: Ian Davis (\"Darkmage\") (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: polish language oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/03/20

sappe_newshost.li.net (Ralph Betza) wrote:
>...the Great Vowel Shift -- they got old, retired, and moved down South from places like Plzn to places like Boeotaeia.

First, I would like to apologise in advance to anybody offended by the following remarks.

Secondly, I would like to point out that the correct name for this phenomenon is in fact "The Great European Vowel Movement."

Finally, I would like to rescind my first comment. Phththtbbbttt!!



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