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1996 10

From: Ian Collier (imc_ecs.ox.ac.uk)
Subject: Re: Digest #857
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/01

tph_rmii.com wrote:
>Here at work we are unfortunately required to use the nanobet, which contains 1/1000000000 of a letter. Last week I typed for eight solid hours and I still had not even a single line of code done. This is really making my productivity sink; I type well past the "carpal tunnel" stage and still have nothing to show for it.

Ah yes, it was Friederich Carpal who first observed the quantum-tunneling of nanobet particles. Once you get past that stage they escape from the confines of your monitor as quickly as you type them so it is useless to continue.

From: Tom Harrington (tph_longhorn.uucp)
Subject: Re: Digest #857
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/04

Muff (paumur_dial.pipex.com) wrote:
: >Miss Information (misinfo_iso.org.ch) wrote:
: > Please note that the prefix "alpha" is not a valid metric prefix, and as such will be phased out in due time (maybe faster if the re-education camps are successful).
: I read this and it kinda gave me one of those dark nagging feelings. Something is not quite right. So anyhoo, I got out a really old tome from an attic, in a serious state of decay, and I am definitely detecting alphabet particles emitting from the book; along with slight levels of gammabet radiation also.

Watch out for the gammabet particles; if you absorb too many, you could accidentally turn into the Incredible Hulk.

: So what gives? And who ends up in the camps? Me, the book, or the geiger counter?

Here in the US, both you and the book are safe, unless you work someplace which is attempting ISO-9000 conformance. If you do, be careful to not take the book to work, and to never, ever, refer to the "alpha" bet on the job. If you do, you'll soon be visited by the Men In Black from ISO, in who will escort you in one of their black helicopters to a concentration/re-education camp which has been secretly established in a remote section of Montana. (This camp is run by the UN, which, working with President Clinton, has secretly taken command of the US government as part of the "New World Order" metric conspiracy).

At this camp, you'll be forced to memorize the entire megabet, on pain of severe torture (negative reinforcement and all that, you know). Lobotomies and regular electroshock therapy are reportedly part of the "training" technique for metric-resisters. Should you resist, or fail, you will be, as Miss Info says, "phased out", which is a typical governmental euphemism for what they'll do to you. The book will be burned. If you succeed, you'll return as an unfailing proponent of the metric "bet" system (ever seen "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"?), and with only a few severe facial tics.

: My guess something deeply insiduous is occuring.

Wait, I hear a helicopter outside...

From: Carl Gustafson (carl.gustafson_no.spam.welcome)
Subject: Re: Problems with rho?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/01

Ariel Scolnicov <ariels_pita.cs.huji.ac.il> wrote:
> Scott Panzer <stenor_pcnet.com> writes:
> > [...] Usenet is propagated from server to server, in a manner like ripples in a pond where a rock tossed in enters.
> And I thought Usenet is propogated from server to server like pond scum when a rock is tossed in. Maybe all the good bits drown on their way here?

Leaving just the naughty bits...

From: Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4_pop.service.ohio-state.edu)
Subject: Re: summer reruns!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/03

"John M. Aldrich" <fighteer_cs.com> wrote:
>Also, we must perforce ask ourselves: How exactly does one "wood" something?

Here is the way to find out:

1. Buy a gun. It doesn't have to be real, but it helps.
2. Go into a bank and show it to everyone. Yell really loud that you have a gun, and be sure to point at everybody there so they get a really good look at it.
3. Plead guilty.
4. Meet your cellmate for the next 20 years.

At this time you will learn how one is "wooded". Have a great time!!!

From: Gaven Miller (gmiller_inca.co.nz)
Subject: Becoming a priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/09

Dylan Walsh (dywalsh_indigo.ie) wrote:
> By the way, who do you have to sleep with to become a priest?

Barney The Dinosaur.

From: Admiral Jota (jota_laraby.tiac.net)
Subject: Re: HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA! I was right!!!! Look at #862.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/08

zymurge_atl.mindspring.com (Paul) writes:
>dywalsh_indigo.ie (Dylan Walsh) wrote:
>>By the way, who do you have to sleep with to become a priest?
>Don't you have to STOP sleeping with people when you become priest?

No, it just looks that way. None of the Oracular priests got any *before* they were inducted, either.

From: Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4_pop.service.ohio-state.edu)
Subject: Re: HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA!HA! HA! I was right!!!! Look at #862.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/17

Otis Viles wrote:
> Dylan Walsh <dywalsh_indigo.ie> wrote:
> > By the way, who do you have to sleep with to become a priest?
> No, no, no. It's who you end up sleeping *with* after becoming a priest.
> Otis.

But the worst part is the weekly vaccinations...jeez, they hurt!!!

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Things We Were Never Meant to Know #62B
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/11

I was nosing around Web search engines, as I do from time to time, and was intrigued to find that People Search ( actually listed my parents' phone number. This is the first of such engines to do so that I know of.

So I thought - let's try it on somebody else I know in the US and, with no special reason in mind, I tried it with the name of a certain Arizona based priest. Imagine my shock when it returned the answer:

Sewell, David and Lisa

Lisa absconded with one of the lackeys? What's Orrie's reaction to all this? As a priest, David, you of all people should know that you can run but you can't hide.

From: Tom Harrington (tph_longhorn.uucp)
Subject: Re: Things We Were Never Meant to Know #62B
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/15

Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: Sewell, David and Lisa
: Lisa absconded with one of the lackeys?

It gets worse. If you look again, you'll find the following:

Davis, Ian and Zadoc
285 Mariachi St.
Pittsburgh, PA

Oh, the horror...

From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Things We Were Never Meant to Know #62B
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/18

tph_rmii.com "Tom Harrington" writes:
> Paul (zymurge_atl.mindspring.com) wrote:
> : Now you wait just a darn minute. Zadoc would NEVER live on a street called "Mariachi," especially after the awful time he had taking care of matters when the Oracle went to Mexico. That left such a bad taste in his mouth that he won't have anything to do with anything remotely having to do with Mexico, things Mexican, or the Spanish language.
> That makes it the perfect cover for the lackey on the run. I can imagine Zadoc thinking that it'd be the ideal place to hide from the Oracle. Just picture him travelling the world, using Taco Bell as a safe house every few miles, before reaching his hideout.

In point of fact, Zadoc used Mexico for his hideaway after a previous transgression. His principal mistake was the burro disguise.

From: Tom Harrington (tph_longhorn.uucp)
Subject: Re: Things We Were Never Meant to Know, #67-C (part of a series - collect them all)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/23

Paul (zymurge_atl.mindspring.com) wrote:
: Whoops. I was in my cups when I wrote that one. It was after midnight, past my bedtime, and I'd had several glasses of wine. What's really awful about the mistake is that I actually used a calculator to come up with the numbers. That'll teach ME to drink and post.

You know what they say: Practice safe math. Friends don't let friends drink and derive.

: I still stand by what I said about folks on the 'net playing fast and loose with the laws of nature, though.

Yes, and that's just in the alt.sex newsgroups...

From: Ariel Scolnicov (ariels_pita.cs.huji.ac.il)
Subject: Re: worst case response time?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.fan.e-t-b
Date: 1996/10/24

zymurge_atl.mindspring.com (Paul) writes:
> tph_longhorn.uucp (Tom Harrington) wrote:
> >Eli The Bearded (eli_alpha.netusa.net) wrote:
> >: What I want to know is how many times can that cycle be repeated before the question gets thrown out. This is roughly equivalent to the worst case response time for the oracle, except that it neglects mail-transmission delays.
> >As far as I'm aware, there's no limit; it can bounce back forever if nobody answers it. This might explain the "missing answer": I recall nearly two years ago I sent a question that never came back. I've always suspected a glitch somewhere, but it's possible that the question is really so incredibly awful that so far nobody has taken it. (At this point, I don't even remember what the question was).
> Oh yeah, that one was sent to me. It WAS terrible. And although I can't remember the question either, I remember the answer would have been "Not in a million years!" Provided, of course, that I had taken the time to answer such a truly horrible question, which I didn't.

I thought it was a really funny question, but the mail server died just as I was posting the answer. A real shame -- we're talking about a 4.8 in the digest, here. Perhaps if you sent it again?

From: David Hinerman (dhiner_freenet.columbus.oh.us)
Subject: Just in time for Christmas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/25

So many have decried the commercialization of the year-end holidays, with the wanton materialism exhibited by eight-year-olds of all ages and the fabulous greed displayed by vendors who start setting out their Christmas displays in Spetember.

But this is too much.

I saw advertised on television last night a new toy building set called "Toobers and Zots." While I don't know what a Toober is, I'm sure the Oracle does. And we all know what a Zot is.

Et tu, Oracle?

Have you stooped to selling your wares on cable television ("call before midnight tonight!") to innocent children ("fun for all ages!") in order to take part in a greedfest ("only $19.95 plus $6 shipping and handling.") that has gripped a religion that isn't even yours? Or are you, in reality, the God of Greed, whom everybody worships by sacrificing their hard-earned (or -stolen) money to sate your unholy desires?

Is that it? Yes! You are Greed! And I can prove it. How many times have I seen this: "You owe the Oracle..."

You are found out, my friend. I know your secret now. And my silence is not cheap.

I'll take three deluxe sets of Toobers and Zots, but _you_ pay the shipping.

From: RHS Linux User (magick_linux2.vdot.net)
: I'll take three deluxe sets of Toobers and Zots, but _you_ pay the shipping.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
: Well, okay, you asked for it....
: *ZOT*
: *ZOT*
: *ZOT*

From: iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu (iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu)
Subject: Re: #862-9
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/10/10

matthew1_cq-pan.cqu.edu.au (Matthew Webster) writes:
> Well cut off my legs and call me shorty! I knew what a "Moebius Strip" was all along, I just knew it by a different name: "Umbilic Torus". Moebius sounds better though... :)

Well, cut me off at the knees and call me "Tripod"! I knew I'd eventually get the chance for some gratuitious schoolboy humor!

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