Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

1997 08

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Duplicate Oracularities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/01

Ami Skinner <askinner.gbconsulting.com> poured gasoline on the fire by saying:
>marko.pulse.com wrote:
>> I seem to be seeing double...
>> How did 920-08 manage to get reincarnated as 925-07?
>How bout this? We make a rule that no Oracularity, no matter how screamingly funny, stunningly clever, or just downright filthy, should be posted here for general consumption until it's absolutely clear that it ain't gonna get digested? I've read three or four in posts to rhod that later appeared in digests.
>Or we could take the "glass half full" approach and say, hey, if it's funny once, it's gonna be funny at least three or four more times, so let's just have a free-for-all and post every half decent Q&A we get?
>I could go either way--the more time I spend reading digests and posts, the less time I spend actually working.

Alright you, get back to work.

From: John C. Mozena (moz.server2.mich.com)
Subject: Re: NEW Search Engine Secrets
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/05

<eric.searchmagic.com> wrote:
>HOW CAN YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL ON THE INTERNET? The Secret is Don't get lost in the Search Engines

I find bread crumbs glued to my monitor allow me to retrace my steps. I came up with this method after getting lost in the depths of Yahoo! and spending a horrible five days in the Fairy Tales subcategory.

>Two (2) absolutely NEW tricks just created by our staff on July 8, 1997 be the first to use them

1) Spam alt.to.hell.and.back, guaranteeing that your Web site loses its connectivity right smart like.

2) Like, go to the page that comes up first on a simple query on your search engine of choice and see how it's coded? Naah. It must be "sacrifice an albino virgin sheep on the front steps of Network Solutions while reading the fun parts of the Kama Sutra in a fake Irish accent."

Or something like that.

From: Ariel Scolnicov (ariels.mangal.cs.huji.ac.il)
Subject: Re: 925... Is it me, or were there a few repeats???
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/10

rahar8.student.monash.edu.au (Robin Harrison) writes:
> u5a77.teach.cs.keele.ac.uk (Spike) wrote:
> >I've seen the SPAM one, and the one about Orries illegal Staff of ZOT before......
> >(Or at least, the question of the ZOT and the answer for SPAM...)
> I get the feeling that he used a Microsoft Priest '97 to do some of the answers and of course being a Microsoftie product...

... the next digests are due, in, well, actually they're 15 months late, but when you do get them, like, during 5Q99 (we're using the MS extended quarter API (tm)), they'll be MUCH funnier than anythGeneral Protection FauMail sent automatically after 15 second timeout expired.

From: Ami Skinner (askinner.gbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: Religious Oracularity
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/01

Richard Wilson wrote:
> <snip> a bad day for burros.

Isn't that a Seuss title?

"The sun did not shine
it was too wet to play
and I knew we would
torture the burros that day"

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Religious Oracularity
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/02

askinner.gbconsulting.com "Ami Skinner" writes:
> a bad day for burros.
> Isn't that a Seuss title?

"Listen, sir," I said quite proudly,
"You don't know with whom you're dealing.
And what's more," I shouted loudly,
"Don't think I won't be appealing!
You may think you're very clever,
But I tell you in all sorrow;
I would not, could not, now or ever,
Be indecent with a burro."

Hmm... no, I don't think my parents ever read me that one.

From: Stephen Tanner (tanner.aros.net)
Subject: Re: Can I ask you a question?
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/05

krueger.cs.hope.edu (John Krueger) wrote:
>Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

A restroom is not a sanitary place to get a Prince Albert.

>Who is John Galt?

I'm sorry, I cannot answer until you upgrade to version 2.0 of that question: Who is Harry Gant?

>What is the difference between one hand clapping?

Baaaaaaaad burritos.

>Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

To get to the same side.

>Why do fools fall in love?

Because if they fell in a vat of chocolate, they'd write a folk song about it. Wait a minute, they already did!

>Do you have to use a silencer when you shoot a mime?

Hell, you don't even need a gun!

>Are we there yet?

No, we're here.

Oops. By observing our position, I changed our velocity. Now we're over there somewhere. Heisenberg, you WEENIE!

>How do you see darkness?

By closing my eyes. DUUUHHHHH.

>Why are you umop-ap!sdn?

Because I crossed the Moebius strip.

>If a tree falls in the woods, and it hits a mime, does anybody care?

You sound bitter. Perhaps you'd like a copy of my new Quake WAD. I call it Mimesweeper.

>Can I suck your thumb?

No, but you can pull my finger.

>Does Harrison Ford drive a Chevy?

No, he drives a Taurus: The only car with a horoscope! He needs it to stay ahead of those replicants, like in Small Wonder.

>Does Chevy Chase live in El Camino?

When el Camino estoy rockin, don't tu be knockin'.

>Do they have LA Gear in San Fransisco?

Does Calvin Klein perfume come in 4-D bottles?

>Did M. C. Escher ever use an elevator?

There are no elevators or salmonella in the new McEscher.

McEscher: Good times, great taste, planar tesselations.

>Why does a still life usually show things that aren't still alive?

Because painters are DAMN SLOW.

>Is "no" the answer to this question?

No. "No" is, not ""no"".

>Why don't you ask your answering machine?

Because he always *ZOT*s me! Waaahhhhh!

>If Immanuel Kant, what makes you think Ghengis Khan?

Because if Yan Can Cook, SO CAN YOU!

[Music: Hark the Herald Angels Sing]
Martin Yan, he is our man
Holds a cleaver in one hand
Films a show down in San Fran
Uses lots of Kikkoman
Makes a nifty shrimp sautee
In the land where folks are gay
Martin Yan, he is our man
Ever guide us, Martin Yan

>Why did the Khmer kettle call the Pol Pot black?

Because it was rouge.

>Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Back to visit the reindeer of its homeland.

>Is it tomorrow yet?

Heck, by the time my server sends this it'll be NEXT THURSDAY.

>Do young Valkries ride in little red Wagners?



>Cn u rd ths?
ys. ls, y mssd n vwl. cnsdr gttng thckr tp.

>Which is cooler, James Dean or liquid Heleum?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ^^^^^^
Archimedes, is that you, ya little dickens?

Liquid Girl Power is the coolest of all.

>Why does the FAQ tell me where to find the FAQ?

Because you're supposed to return it there when you're done reading. Frankly, I predict a hell of an overdue fine in your future.

>Is your refrigerator running?

How else would I get all this liquid Heleum?

>Isn't Moby Dick (the book about the big, white sperm whale) the most Freudian story you've ever read?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I'm glad you clarified. I thought you were talking about Moby Dick, the social disease.


Advice: Stay away jrom grassy knolls.

(I hate how I'm honor-bound to answer all these, even though there's only one that caught my fancy. FOR BONUS POINTS, GUESS WHICH ONE. FIND THE HIDDEN HUMOR. VALKYRIE SHOT THE JOKE!)

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Clive James presents: Fame in the Great Taste-Less Space
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/18

[ There's an Oracle reference here if you read on long enough...]
[ Article copied from alt.religion.kibology ]
[ Author was Stephen Tanner ]
[ Posted on Mon, 18 Aug 1997 18:36:53 GMT ]

This is a rambling post about the relationship between people and media. It all comes from watching lots of old musicals.

My main thesis, if I had one, would be: The boundary between performers and audience starts to break down when the medium of art itself is as interesting to them as whatever it represents. I'm focusing on INTERESTING cases (read: ones that actually GET an audience) and leaving lots out anyway.

The first item up for bid is: American musicals. Movies were cheap, accessible to a huge audience, and full of spectacle.

(A row of girls, each holding one letter of the word "SPECTACLE", cascades into a pool. They link arms and form a map of Australia. Shirley Temple pops up in the middle, yells "I'M PERTH!!!" and starts firing at the camera)

The reason that so many musicals were made ABOUT musicals is that to the audience, show business was as exciting as a cowboy adventure or exotic love story. (And the reason that so many posts and web pages are about the Internet is that the Internet is interesting.) You don't actually (for instance) see the cameraman and the director at work, but you see *a* cameraman and director at work, which can only increase the awareness that you're in a movie. Themes like screen-love vs. real love get visited again and again--think of Singing in the Rain, where the screen-love really is faked, or Easter Parade, where it becomes real.

Many of the most successful musicals are about an ordinary person (usually a "girl next door") making it big in show business. The behind-the-scenes view, the arguments with producers and backers, all these make the audience a willing accomplice in the story. But more than that--the audience vicariously becomes part of the action.

Example: Judy Garland starts as an ordinary girl. She's picked at random. Later she does a big number at the end of Easter Parade or Summer Stock. Some of the excitement comes from imagining the lightning of fame striking us. Even The Wizard of Oz has a hint of the same story--the Emerald City isn't exactly Hollywood, but the idea of being swept away for a while to a brighter-than-life world must have been familiar to moviegoers, many of whom grew up in the Depression.

Television has its own relation to its audience, which varies from show to show. My main point is: Television isn't about entertainment anymore, it's about COMPANY. People want the sense that someone is there with them--someone accepting, who doesn't leave any long pauses in the "conversation". A show can manufacture togetherness in a clever way (like bringing the viewers backstage at the Muppet Show) or in a crass way (like providing a laugh-track). Even when watching movies, viewers want host segments (Dinner and a Movie, that Joe-Bob show, USA Up All Night). They *need* host segments--why the hell else would people let Gilbert Godfrey into their living room?

Of course, this varies from show to show. I don't know if this is common outside America, either. I once saw a Mexican equivalent of America's Funniest Home Videos. The same pratfalls and embarassments were there, and they even added zany wacky sound effects. But there was no voiceover, and not much hosting. It was actually pretty alarming, being jump-cutted from accident to mishap to explosion. There was no one there with me, and NO ONE TELLING ME WHERE TO LAUGH.

Why doesn't the fourth wall break down in books, at least, not in ones that people actually read? Well, it does a LITTLE. I think one reason it doesn't is that books are very private--just like most jokes get bigger laughs at parties, the whole "play-within-a-play" schtick works better in a crowded theater than on a printed page. Many books are packed with self-aware parody, of course (like Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels). But not many novels are about books. Even The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a "story about a book", uses the book as a prop and occasional plot device, not as a subject.

Then there's the Internet, where the wall between performers and audience is really thin because they're usually the SAME PEOPLE. The question-and-answer sessions with the Usenet^H^H^H^H^H^HInternet Oracle are packed with self-referential humor. In part, this is because the people (mostly computer geeks) who make up the Oracle are Godel-Escher-Bach junkies in love with syntactic play, and recursion, and infinite regress. And in part, it's because breaking down the fourth wall draws attention (theirs, and the audience's) to their role in the undertaking. It's a clever way of saying "LOOK AT ME! I'M ON TEE VEE!!!"

The Oracle--and the Usenet--are pretty new ways of interacting, where two-years' experience makes you an old-timer. Also many net.people are introverted to the max[1], so of course they notice the thrill of the spotlight. Even 13-year-old lamers in my-computer-can-beat-up-your-computer debates start to be aware of an Audience. People who spend hours a day clicking links can be forgiven for making web pages about the web.

Rather than vying for net.fame, counting up hits on our webpages, and jockeying for position in scorefiles, people should just create a "currency of celebrity". People would get a certain number of fameblobs [tm] based on how well-known they are (have to use something like Nielsen families for this). No more dull acknowledgement pages in books--just toss your family and friends some fameblobs! Starving (for attention) artists could be paid in measurable fame rather than money! No more arguments about whether Yoko or Bono is more well-known! Find out, once and for all, who IS and who AIN'T bigger than Jesus!

Keep in mind, I'm making this all up as I type.

I want to end with "And THAT is why some neighborhoods of the net are so omphaloskeptic." But I wrote this more to develop ideas than to show off ones that I actually had.

[Tune: "We Didn't Start the Fire"]

Thomas Pynchon, Muppet Show,
The Oracle, and Kibo,
Monty Python, Vonnegut,
M S T 3 K!

Freakazoid, Tiny Toons,
Frank Zappa, Space Ghost,
Judy Garland, Fred Astaire,
Tom Stoppard too.

We didn't break the fourth wall!
Everyone demands it, I don't understands it,
We didn't break the fourth wall!
They all got Post-Modern, and they shouldn't oughta...



[1] Like meeeeEEEEEEEEE!
Stephen Will Tanner (tanner.math.wisc.edu)

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: grad-you-ate (was Re: #929 - taking a bow)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/17

Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) said:
: Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
: > "Graduate school is the snooze button on life." - sign in a lab down the hall
: Then what does it mean if you get a job, work a bit, and then go back to grad school part-time with your employer footing the bill for you?

You got up, did some stuff, and then decided to take a nap. Only some fool keeps waking you up and then saying "you look tired; why don't you take a nap?"

The part that really gets me, though, is that I sleep this little as a grad student, what's gonna happen when I wake up? As it is, I've had mornings (i.e.; 2pm) when I sleep more during the snooze cycles than during the actual sleep.

dan "

From: Dr.Rob (rhampson.bgsm.edu)
Subject: Re: #962-08 (earthquakes)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/13

bryan.porter.nashville.com. wrote:
> The New Madrid Fault isn't well known because it doesn't "go off" very often. The last time it really cut loose a lot of geography down this way was thoroughly rearranged. The best guess is that the next time it really cuts loose Memphis will wind up in the middle of the Mississippi. (or vice versa)
> Not that that would necessarily be a *bad* thing.

Except for Elvis fans.

I can see it now:

REPORTER: "Elvis fans everywhere are mourning the loss of Graceland. With us is Mr. Homer Ondarange. Homer, tell us what you saw."

[Camera turns to an overweight man in white sequined suit with bell bottoms, Black hair in a pompadour and mutton-chop sideburns.]

H.O. "It was terrible. I was standing at my booth selling black velvet portraits of The King, when the ground started to shake, The Tomb cracked open and a mysterious voice shouted: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has *left* the building!'"

REPORTER: "Then what happened?"

H.O. "The waters came and washed away all of the people standing in line at the gates. Fortunately, most of the Elvis impersonators could float... The walls of Graceland tumbled, My God, it's terrible, I've never seen anything like it."

[Camera cuts back to jumbled waste, Mississippi River clogged with debris: jungle room furnishings, bowling pins, broken busts of Elvis, pompadour wigs with sideburns attached.]

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
The worst part about this is that all this stuff will wash downstream and eventually reach New Orleans. Probably during Mardi Gras, though, so maybe nobody will notice the difference.

REPORTER: "That's the former site of Graceland. Back to you, Tom."

NETWORK ANNOUNCER: "Thanks, John. That's a terrible loss to the Nation. I expect people will always remember what they were doing when the heard the news that Graceland was destroyed. By the way, John, what about the rest of Memphis?"

REPORTER: "Well, I guess it's gone, Tom, but nobody seems to be worried about it yet."

ANCHOR: "Thanks again, John." [Turns to face another camera] "Next up, President Gates declares National Day of Mourning after MicroSoft stock plunges 3/4 points. More after this break."

<Shudder, gasp>

From: Enrico Cadillac Jnr (bryan.lea.zetnet.co.uk)
Subject: Lost
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/19

Gad, Eccles, we're trapped in the Oracle's discussion group. I can't find the door. See if there's one on your side..

Nope, my friend. I haven't got a door on my side. I've got an arm on it though.

Well give me a hand then, you fool.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: rec.humor.oracle.red.siamese.fighting.fish
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/19

Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Paul L. "New album just came out" K.wrote:
>> I'm just so....[snif] touched that everybody cares so deeply for me and my [snif, snif] fish. I'm sorry, I can't go on anymore...
>Look, just shut up and pass the tartare sauce, will you?

What a horror! You barbarians down there will eat anything. Sweet pickle relish and mayonaise -- blech. I prefer a nice tomato cocktail sauce with my fish. Here's the recipe:

1 Cup Heinz tomato ketchup
1 Tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp Tabasco (more or less to taste)
1 tsp black pepper (freshly ground)
1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce

This is great on shrimp, crab cakes, and naughty children, not to mention the aforementioned fish.
Paul, whose bright red Siamese fighting fish regards him nervously.

From: Paul (IAN:send$1,000,000to.zymurge.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: rec.humor.oracle.red.siamese.fighting.fish
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/21

Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Paul L. K...K...K...Kxlly wrote:

St...st...st...st...please quit that.

>BTW: your spamblock now pronounces itself in my head as "ahntyhistamine." The aural pun doesn't translate well.

Cool. You hear voices in your head, and they are coming from my spamblock. I like this game.

From: Mark Lawrence (Lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Subject: Re: Lawrence Block - Internet Oracle Devotee
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/19

Dean Lenort wrote:
> A recent reading of the book _The Burglar who thought he as Bogart_ revealed that mystery writer Lawrence Block is a fan of the Internet Oracle.

*Breathing a big sigh of relief*... a quick look at the header here made me worry immeasurably. Imagine a product called "Lawrence Block". What would be next? "Kinzler Kill"? "Chevalier Away"? "Davis Be-Gone"? "No-Noe"? I shudder at the thought.

Thinking of going into the field of professional pest-control

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/19

Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmii.com) wrote:
: [Anyone who saw this article first in alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d can join me in roundly cursing the author of my primary newsreader for making it so easy to get the wrong newsgroup...]

YKYBRRHODTLW you think it's redundant that newsgroups called both rec.humor.oracle.d and alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d exist.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/23

longword.!spam.super.zippo.com "Lionel Lauer" writes:
> Quoth tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) :
> >YKYBHTLW you see this and wonder what device Hewlett-Packard could possibly make that would be called a "Lovecraft".
> *snort* All of their network printers, just for starters.

Wow! You mean there are erotic uses for that old LaserJet III in the corner? Why did nobody tell me? All these years I've been having to make to with the dustbuster.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/25

Kirsten Chevalier wrote:
> The more salient question is, will *you* still be anatomically correct after you use it?

Actually, and this is a true story, I once read an interesting paper in a surgical journal describing a nasty epidemic of penile and urethral lacerations. Apparently a new vacuum cleaner had been released which really sucked. It did this by virtue of the fact that there was an extra fan located a few inches in from the end of the nozzle. Even more interesting were the reasons given by the afflicted men for how it happened:

"I was vacuuming while wearing my dressing gown and it sort of fell open."

One man worked in a railway switch house, and apparently got sucked into the cleaner while "leaning over to pull one of the switches" (those wucking great big levers they use."

There were a few others, but for some reason these stuck in my mind.

Ian, also reminiscing about the story involving the golf ball labelled "Merry Christmas! Hot Dot 7."

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: New newsgroup needed
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/07

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com writes:
> Based upon the recent uprise in references to pet fish, which I believe I started, I think it's time to establish at least one new newsgroup:
> rec.humor.oracle.fish
> [fillet]
> Does anyone else have any thoughts on this?

Typical ichthyophilist chauvinism. What about us poor rhodders who've never owned a piscine pet in their lives, but have lots of funny fishy stories to tell, eh, eh? Why, I remember like it was yesterday, sitting in a fish restaurant in Pasadena and asking the waitress:

Me: What's scrod like?
She: We don't have any scrod tonight.
Me: What about yellowtail?
She: Sure, we have yellowtail.
Me: What's yellowtail like?
She: It's a little like scrod.

And so on, in enlightening fashion, unto the early hours. I bring this up not as an example of a funny fishy story, you understand, but because it occurs to me that, if this exchange had taken place this side of the briny, the waitress could have said "Scrod's off, dear" and instantly joined the immortals.

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*----*--*-Ichthyophilist chauvinism? Did I really say that?--
--*----*---*---*-----*---Sheesh, talk about pretentious--*----*----

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: New newsgroup needed
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/08

some.body.sprynet.com "Peter Steiger" nudges, winks and writes:
> Are you saying you got scrod in Pasadena?

No, the point of the story is I didn't. Boy, am I glad I didn't bring up the red snapper.

Richard Wilson

And don't even *mention* orange roughie

From: Ariel Scolnicov (ariels.mangal.cs.huji.ac.il)
Subject: Re: [Q] Vote result explanations...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/05

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com (Paul) writes:
> lewin.ipgp.jussieu.fr (Eric LEWIN) wrote:
> >Having just received the last "Internet Oracularities" digest, i am stepping forward above my shyness and ask you what is the secret meaning of the 10 5-letter codes on the first line of the vote results ? I haven't been able (okay ! not an excuse...) to find anything about that in the different web pages I have consulted, nor in the help file...

> >>920 117 votes  8jmEs grBqb 7hAEh buArd 1dBEq kqEo7 uEva6 4cBDp 5jBvp 8lvst
> >>920  3.2 mean   3.5   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.7   2.8   2.3   3.6   3.4   3.4

> Well if you'd just read some of the other posts on this newsgroup, you'd realize that this is all written in English, version 2.01B.

... or not 2.01B.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: 928-09
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/12

trainman1.mindspring.com (Jim Ellwanger) wrote:
>Here in the U.S., Sports Illustrated ran a short sidebar explaining some of the major differences between baseball and cricket a couple of weeks

Oh great, now all the entomology groups are going to boycott SI for their horribly exploitative "Cricket Issue."

From: Mark Lawrence (Lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Imagine... all those teeny, tiny little 3-piece swimsuits

From: Mark Lawrence (Lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Subject: Re: What the record?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/22

Bryan, seeking fame and fortune, penned:
> What is the record for the greatest number of questions or answers that a single person has had published in one digest? For some reason, three of my questions or answers were in 934, but I have a feeling that this isn't even close to the record.

Probably not... but take heart in the fact that yours were selected strictly out of pity

Chairman of the Priesthood Ways and Means Committee

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: What the record?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/23

clevy.hussle.harvard.edu "Carla Levy" writes:
> mostly "mean", I think. Your response to Bryan was not very nice. Isn't there someone who can slap the priests around a little when they get snarky?

Hey, now *there's* a great marketing opportunity. What every incarnation needs:


Frustrated at being passed over for the digests for the 13th week running? Been humiliated in r.h.o.d by Otis Viles again? Well, don't take it lying down, take it out on your very own plastic priest!

Life size and made out of resilient PVC, these realistic effigies will withstand endless punishment! And there are numerous models to choose from:

  • Steve Kinzler
  • David Sewell
  • Roger Noe
  • Mark Lawrence
  • Kirsten Chevalier [1]
  • and many more!

Order yours now!!! Only $59.99 from Oracular Industries, Inc, Bloomington IN. Price includes P&P plus a free set of brass knuckles to get you started.

[1] *Not* anatomically correct. Who do you think we are?

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*----*--*------*-----*-I'm ordering my Ian Davis model now---

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: snarky
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/27

clevy.hussle.harvard.edu "Carla Levy" writes:
> Okay. At least two posts made fun of my use of the word "snarky". I asked the Oracle what to do if the priests were snarky, and the Oracle made fun of me for using the word "snarky". I have now asked the Oracle why I am being persecuted for my use of the word "snarky".

Too late, the muse is upon me! Stand back - I'm about to wax lyrical:

They sought it with woodchucks, with cascades so vast;
They pursued it with Bill Gates jokes;
They threatened its life with a make-money-fast!!!
They fed it a good times hoax.

"There's Lawrence ululating!" the Kellman cried,
"He is being ironic, but hark!
How he waves anotomic'ly from side to side,
He has certainly found a Snark!"

"It's a Snark!" was the sound that first came to their ears,
On this all the experts agree.
Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers:
Then the ominous words "It's a Le-"

Then, silence. Some fancied they heard in the air
A weary lost packet or two
That sounded like "-vy!", but the others declare
It was only Tom "Tom" breezing through.

They hunted till darkness came on, but they found
Not a sig file or geek code from Mark,
By which they could tell that they stood on the ground
Where the young priest had met with the Snark.

In the midst of the word he was trying to say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He had softly and suddenly vanished away---
For the Snark was a snarky Levy.

Leward Carrollson

From: Dr.Rob (rhampson.bgsm.edu)
Subject: Re: Educational Pricing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/06

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com dared the spam-infested waters (he must be behind a firewall) and posted:
> Joseph W Walz<jwalz.unique-software.com> added the distinctive flavor of a canned pork(?) product when he wrote:
> > Please forgive me for this e-mail, but I felt I just had to let more people know about this and get in on the ground floor!
> I don't know about you, but 9 times out of 10 I get in on the ground floor. That's where the doors are. I can't remember the last time I scaled a building to use a window. Maybe it's time....
> ---- Tim Chew, who has never in his life owned a siamese fighting fish, bright red or blue, but whose dark black molly has been tormenting the cat.

I attended Lehigh University (pity me...) for a few years. In many buildings, the "front" door is in the basement, and the "back" door is on the second floor. Thus it is possible to get in (repeatedly) *not* on the ground floor.

Dr.Rob -- who's bright red thai fighting fish is flaking off because Paul's "Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fish" paint (TM) is not waterproof. Are you sure you're not hallucinating?

From: Tom Phoenix (rootbeer.teleport.com)
Subject: Re: Educational Pricing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/08/17

On Sat, 16 Aug 1997, Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> When I first saw that New Mexico license plates read "New Mexico USA", I thought that it was silly.

Homer Simpson, upon looking at a map: "Hey! There's a NEW Mexico!" :-)

Main menu 2