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1997 12

Subject: Re: Oracle traffic
From: zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 30 Dec 1997 09:34:07 +0100

dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Daniel Ashton (jdashton.southern.edu) said:
>: Just out of curiosity, what kind of traffic does the Oracle handle daily?
>I'd say email, mostly. And some UPS shipments of "you owe" payments. And occasional summons for illegal toxic waste dumping of zot-dust-nee-supplicants.

Jeez, what a jerk. The poor guy asked a serious question, and you give him a smarty-alecky answer. And HIS name is Daniel, just like yours -- seems you'd show him a little respect, at least on the basis of a shared name.

Anyway, Daniel (the first one, not the mean one), in answer to your question, my guess is that since the Oracle is in Indiana, and most Incarnations are from the U.S., and Indiana is in the Midwest (which is, surprisingly, north of most of the U.S.), most of the traffic the Oracle handles is Northbound.

Now those of you who are in other countries, such as Europe, Asia, Austria (hello to our friends Down Under!), and New Mexico, don't get all bent out of shape. I still think your traffic to the Oracle will be Northbound, since it probably has to be routed through Atlanta anyway -- kinda like Delta Airlines, if you know what I mean (AITYD).


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Los Angele: Oracle database programmer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/15

Dave Hemming wrote:
>Gall's Incorporated info.gallsinc.com scrawled:
>> Daniel Hale wrote:
>> > Top Los Angeles web development company needs an Oracle database programmer experienced in Internet/eCommerce Developement.
>> Speling skils is opshunal. We're technologists, not teachers.
>I've received this ad as a question _twice_. Given Oracular turnover, that raises ominous questions about the sheer volume they've sent.
> I can't even think of a good answer, either. If I get it again, I shall reply with something short and pithy, just to get it out of the queue.

Jutht tell them to pith off.

Ian.


From: zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com
Subject: Re: Is it just me?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/29

kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
>Tim Chew (tc36212.nospam.glaxowellcome.com) wrote:
>: Is it just me, or has any one else noticed that there has been a lot more discussion here since the priests have gone to Fiji for Christmas?
>Hmmph, they must not have sent me the invitation on time. I, personally, spent Christmas sitting at my mother's house, watching "Beavis and Butt-head" reruns.

That's funny. From what I know of the Priesthood, you probably would have seen pretty much the same thing if you'd gone to the party:

Mark: "Heh heh. I got another woodchuck question. Heh."
Ian: "Huh. Huhhuh. You thaid 'wood.' Cool. Huh huh."


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Technical Questions
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/15

Dan Sanderson (dsanders.u.washington.edu) said:
: Dan Sanderson. If you want to see my mailserver's bounce message, add no-spam to my e-mail address.

Whee!!! I just tried putting "no-spam" in various positions (before "dsanders", on either side of ., in place of "edu", in a non-blue non-square non-can), and found that all permuations had some sort of "underliverable message" auto-response. How do you do it?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies edit sendmail.cf for fun


From: Vasilisha (vasilisha.aol.com)
Subject: Re: Los Angele: Oracle database programmer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/12

zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com wrote:
> vasilisha.aol.com (Vasilisha) wrote:
>>>> If you live in or near the Los Angeles area and want to work in a fun environment
>>>You could pick and choose from several movie studios and multimedia companies that have casual dress codes and nearly-edible cafeterias, instead of being a cubby-dwelling 90 hour a week galley slave for Daniel's company.
>>Cuba Gooding was in my town recently shooting a new movie, and I was an extra in it.
>>Let me tell you, if you aren't an actor (and one good enough to rate a trailer), it's a lot of work. All those grips, gaffers, and camera dudes work 12 hour days. The people I talked to said the best part of the job is boinking cute extras who want to be stars.
>>(And, no, I didn't get boinked. But my pet iguanas got some interesting offers.)
>Soooooooooo, I take it either you weren't cute enough for the Best Boy, or you didn't want to be a star badly enough to "do" the Grip.

Well, I *do* live in one of the "gayest" towns in the world, and I *did* get a couple offers, but my girlfriend would be most upset if I left her for another guy. I'm pretty damned liberal, but I'd like to stick with X chromosomes, y'know.

Which leads me to an interesting etiquette question:

If your girlfriend leaves you for another woman, do you hold the door open for both of them on their way out?

Vasilisha, whose screenname on AOL is, letter for letter, most confusing to the male population.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: What is FNORD?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/16

kenneth.sorling.NOSPAM.edt.ericsson.se wrote:
> Hello, my fellow mellow supplicants.... Klulez Nubi is back again. I'm seeing a lot of references to 'FNORD' in the oracularities, but have yet to understand what that's all about.

It's a reference to the Fnord Motor Company, makers of fine autos such as the Mnustang, the Tnaurus, and the Enxplorer.

I used to drive a Fnord. But nobody could ever see me coming down the street.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: It's not punny
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/18

Lionel "Eum" Lauer, or was it Lionel "Deef" Lauer (thanks for the mandate), wrote:
> It's possible that I'm little less sensitive than most to the 'dumb name-based jokes' issue, as no one has ever come up with any name-based insult for me that has been good enough to stick.

Actually, my mum once told me that one of the reasons she chose my name was so that it could not be easily shortened and distorted. Unfortunately, the same protection did not apply to my various bodily appendages...

And another thing, tell that .#!$ from "Beverley Hills IQof0" that he mispronounces his own name! "Eye-an" indeed.

And another another thing: it's very confusing being in the same room as Anne when someone with a Brooklyn accent is talking.

Ian.


From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Riddle me this, Oracleman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/17

David Sewell <dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu> wrote:
>cruxes in Old English literature, the incomprehensible second line of Riddle #42 in the Exeter Book riddles (Exeter Cath. MS. 3501):
> Wraetlic hongath . . bi weres theo
> frean under sceate: . . foran is thyrel
> [^k2bD1GdGdd:wq^MZZ:set:set all:q!:q!

Contest. Let's see who can come up with the solution to this one. Here's a loose translation of the whole riddle:

A curious thing hangs by a man's thigh. It's got a hole in front, it's stiff and hard, and it's well placed. When our fellow lifts his garment up over his knee, he greets a well-known hole with the head of his hanging thing, one that he has often filled.

[Say what I am!]

(NOW we'll see who's got a dirty mind.)

<a key.>


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/18

dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu "David Sewell" lowers the tone still further by writing:
> A curious thing hangs by a man's thigh. It's got a hole in front, it's stiff and hard, and it's well placed. When our fellow lifts his garment up over his knee, he greets a well-known hole with the head of his hanging thing, one that he has often filled.
> [Say what I am!]
<If I snip the above, is it a versectomy?>

Reminds me of a joke I was once told at school: "What's long, hard and cylindrical and filled with little men?" Answer: "A submarine." An evening's (well, I was only a young 'un) reverse engineering on this riddle led me to the conclusion that "little men" should have read "seamen" for the joke to make any sense at all, but this didn't stop the teller finding it hysterically funny. Funny thing, humour.


From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Actually, in the Latin original of the joke it IS little men, or "homunculi" anyway.


From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
David Sewell <dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu> wrote:
>Actually, in the Latin original of the joke it IS little men, or"homunculi" anyway.

Sorry, there I go not explaining things adequately.

It's an old alchemists' joke, dating back to the 16th century. Based on the fact that the fleet of submarines which Pope Leo X had built following Leonardo da Vinci's designs were, owing to technological constraints (mostly the primitive state of oxygen-generating equipment), so small that only midgets and dwarves could man them. So "what's long, hard, cylindrical, and filled with homunculi?" played that fact off against the best current theory about human generation.

HTH, GTBOS,


From: zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com
Subject: Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/19

Carla Levy <clevy.hussle.harvard.edu> wrote:
>Paul wrote:
> > Reminds me of the story my wife tells, about a girl who heard a joke about how to catch a polar bear. She didn't get the joke, and hashed it terribly in the retelling. Her version:
> > "To catch a polar bear, you cut a hole in the ice. And then you sprinkle green peas all around the hole in the ice. And when the polar bear comes up to the hole to eat some peas, you kick him in it!"
>okay, I'll bite... what's the original joke?

When he comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole!
--
Paul , whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish just groaned.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
During the Lillehammer Winter Olympics, one of our Australian TV commentators kept on referring to the "Ice Hall." Actually made his commentary far more interesting.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/21

Also Sprach Blade-Runner:
> What's long and thin and red in parts
> covered in skin and goes in tarts?

Rhubarb?

What's red and throbs between your legs?


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk)
Also Sprach ? the platypus {aka David Formosa}:
> >What's red and throbs between your legs?
> Bright red simeses fighting fish?

I should be so lucky! I was thinking more of a Moto Guzzi V70.


From: John Klein (zarkon.spammers.impaled.onna.stick.ccs.neu.edu)
Subject: Re: Poor Oracle must've suffered a blow to the head...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/23

<zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com> wrote:
: John Klein <zarkon.all.spammers.die.in.awful.pain.ccs.neu.edu> wrote:
: >On the other hand, I've received replies that made me want to track down the incarnation involved, break every bone in his arms and legs with a crowbar one by one, apply a soldering iron to his genitals, pierce his torso with red-hot needles, slice off his eyelids, tie him to a chair, and force him to watch the same episode of 'The Cosby Show' for six hundred hours. But that's just me.
: John! Yo! John! Switch to decaf, dude.

Who drinks coffee? It doesn't have enough caffeine in it.

Wait. How did you know my name?

Nobody ever reads the e-mail headers... so you must be one of -them-. Where's my shotgun?


From: (zymurge.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Glass is not a liquid, neener neener (was Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/21

forbes.ravenna.com (Scott Forbes) wrote:
>P.S.: "Glass flows" is the alt.folklore.urban equivalent of the W**dch*ck Question -- if you'd posted the above to AFU, they'd be using your bones as musical instruments right now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The idea that bones can be used to play musical tunes is also a myth, perpetuated by many Saturday morning cartoons in the U.S. during the 1960's, 70's, and 80's. Since bones are made (mostly) of calcium, they don't resonate very well at all. Even though the ribcage of a large animal, for example a mastodon, calls to mind the image of a xylophone, it is impossible to play good music by beating on it with the thighbone of a mule.

It amazes me how many people take "Scooby Doo" seriously.


From: Jim Ellwanger (trainman1.mindspring.com)
Boy, and next you're going to tell us that it's not a good idea to hook dynamite up to one of the bones so that it's rigged to go off when our nemesis hits a certain note in "Those Endearing Young Charms." Or, at least, we should be sure to yell our nemesis xylophone-playing instructions at them from a safe distance, and not to rush in and demonstrate to them the correct note to hit.


From: Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Glass is not a liquid, neener neener (was Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/22

Otis Viles <cierhart.ic.net> wrote:
: I still say it sounds believable coming from a science instructor. Color me stupid for believing in the education I was supposedly getting. <sigh> I suppose I shouldn't believe that he was really using hydrogen either in that "exploding balloon" trick ...

If he'd been using hydrogen, it would have been a hydrogen bomb! That would make for a pretty interesting class demonstration, provided you were viewing it from a safe distance.


From: Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Glass is not a liquid, neener neener (was Re: Riddle me this, Oracleman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/23

Sanford M. Manley <manley20.bellsouth.net> wrote:
: ? the platypus {aka David Formosa} wrote:
:> No it wouldn't. Hydrogen bombs work on the nuclar fustion of hyrdogen to make heliam [1]. The expoling bellon trick works on the chemical reation of Hydrogen and oxegen.
: SURPRISE! "Hydrogen" bombs mainly use lithium....

Holy shee-it, Batman! Some days, you don't even have to put your hook in the water. You can just sit there, and the fish will literally jump right into the boat, clean and gut themselves with a knife, and fry themselves up for dinner with a side of potatoes and crabs.

YH _both_ BT. And I wasn't even really trying. Hang your heads in shame.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Subject: Re: Glass is not a liquid, neener neener (was Re: Riddle me this,
Oracleman)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/23

I wrote:
>forbes.ravenna.com (Scott Forbes) wrote:
>>I have the vast resources of alt.folklore.urban at my disposal to back me up on this -- if you still think glass is a liquid, start reading at
>I still say it sounds believable coming from a science instructor. Color me stupid for believing in the education I was supposedly getting. <sigh> I suppose I shouldn't believe that he was really using hydrogen either in that "exploding balloon" trick ...

For what it's worth I was joking about the hydrogen comment; he *was* using hydrogen in the balloon with a strip of magnesium for a fuse. I knew this, was just trying to cast a bad light on his science knowledge. Also FWIW, he was the 7th/8th/9th/10th/11th/12th grade science teacher. I went to a *very* small school; our periodic table of elements only went up to 75 because we couldn't afford more than that. Animals used for dissection had to be saved from year to year; you can do wonders with duct tape, spam, and glue.


From: Dr.Rob (rhampson.bgsm.edu)
And I'll bet that once you performed any chemical reaction you had to reverse it to save the chemicals for the next year. Did you have to store the gravity used in your physics experiments, too?


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_auntyhistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: New Name for RHOD!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/29

kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
>Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu) wrote:
>: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu) said:
>: : kirsten
>: : whose dark red Siamese fighting fish died last week for no apparent reason
>: . . . . . .~~~~
>: Loss of luster is a pretty good indication that they're gonna be floating soon.
>Well, he was dark to begin with, as were all the other Siamese fighting fish fish in the store. I took perfectly good care of him. I think they sold me a defective fish.

Um, I hesitate to ask, but you *did* know that he needed to stay in water, did you not?


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: New Name for RHOD!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/14

dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> Hugh Sider (raf.netcom.com) said:
> : Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.rmi.net> wrote:
> : >Kirsten Chevalier <kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu> wrote:
> : >> "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."--anonymous
> : >Ultimately pointless, but nevertheless a whole lot of fun?
> : Once you've lost the old one, how do you make more?
> If you have just a small fight--say, an introductory skirmish--you can stop and you've got peace. But if you have an all-out war... Once you go all the way with nuclear weapons and such, there wouldn't really be "peace" so much as "pieces."

So, if we apply this reasoning to the statement that started this, i.e. that fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity, we find that it implies that you can have a small amount of sex--say, well, I'd better not--you can stop and you're still a virgin. But once you go all the way with machines and farm animals and whips and food items and such, it's really too late to even think about virginity.

> HTH

Thanks for clearing that up.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Attogram for attogram...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/11/29

b.judd.SPAMFILTER.xtra.co.nz (Gwyn Judd) wrote:
>jmeltzer.world.std.com (Jon Meltzer) wrote:
>>Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>>>Paul L. "Unsupported Statements" K. wrote:
>>>> Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.
>>>You know, it occurs to me that, say, the Ebola virus might want to take issue with this sweeping statement.
>>Nah. That's one _tough_ fish.
>Fish, Smish.
>Gwyn D. Judd whose galaxy famous jet black cat doesn't mind a bit of seafood now and then.

"Milligram for milligram" means that if my fish had as many milligrams as your cat, he'd be as fierce as, say, a T-Rex. Ian's claim is that ebola virus would be fiercer on a weight-per-weight basis. However, I dispute his claim on the basis that the virus, albeit very dangerous, has no brain and therefore cannot be fierce or ferocious. It would be like saying "Ooooh, that's one really fierce butcher knife you got there Elmer." Doesn't make much sense, does it? Now if Elmer wields a really sharp butcher knife above his head as if he were going to strike Bugs with it, he would look somewhat fierce, now wouldn't he? Yes, especially if he gritted his teeth and squinched his eyebrows down towards his nose, he would look pretty darned fierce. Well, as fierce as Elmer Fudd can look, I guess, which is really not all that fierce, if you take it in milligram doses. Anyway, he's got nothing on my world famous, bright red Siamese fighting fish (which is, by the way, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.)

As for your cat eating seafood, I don't think that says anything about how fierce he is. Being an ailurophile myself, I happen to know cats sometimes also eat green beans, and that's not fierce behavior at all. Heck, most cats PURR! You think that's fierce?

And don't anybody tell me about your damn dog. We all know what they eat.
--
Paul, whose world-famous bright red Siamese fighting fish would eat your cat for breakfast, except he hates coughing up furballs.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Attogram for attogram...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/04

Paul L. "Dead Giveaway" K. wrote:
> Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is waiting anxiously to find where people are going to go from here with the term "cat fancier."

"Waiting anxiously," eh? *Now* we see just how fierce your whitebait-in-drag is, to be terrified of terminology, scared of semantics and incontinent from consonants.

Ian, who once knew a dog who was a sheep worrier....


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
>Ian, who once knew a dog who was a sheep worrier....
Our next door neighbour's moggie often gets in a cat flap.
Oh god, I can't believe I just wrote that...


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Attogram for attogram...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/12/15

C. A. Weagle <cweagle.ime.net> wrote:
> Kibology is, of course, the study of Kibo[1]

Oh, yeah, sure. Kibologists study Kibo like meteorologists study meteors.

> ...cognito ergo es...qba'g guvax lbh'er pyrire, lbh'er abg...

Znqr lbh ybbx.



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