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1997 01

From: Mark Lawrence (_pop.service.ohio-state.edu)
Subject: Re: oracularity
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/14

Spike wrote:
> I doubt many (if any) of the priests are fluent in many alternative languages.... We are talking Indiana you know....

Hey, I take offense to that...as the Ohio representative of the Priesthood, I would like to say that I am fluent in many foreign languages, such as Indianan, Kentuckian, and West Virginian. You take that back.


From: An Expert Witness (sherlock_ksu.ksu.edu)
Subject: Re: test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/06

mythmakr_earthlink.net (Wendamatica) writes:
>Where Will It All End? They're *feeding* off of one another. They're *breeding* their strangenesses (say that word fast if you can) amongst themselves incestuously. It is like a seething bucket of worms all squirming around *multiplying* and oozing and punning and worming and squishing about and, and, uh.... What the hell was I talking about again?

Republicans, I believe.


From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten_spike.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Re: Maybe my standards are too low...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/10

Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten_spike.wellesley.edu) wrote:
: I think there are definite possibilities here. I laughed out loud at the following answer to a question I sent after reading your post:

Okay, I take it back. This doesn't just have potential, it's a guaranteed chortler. Look:

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most fun-loving and factorial,
> The answer is a functional parameter, a feminist, and a flying squirrel. What
> was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These three things are not the same:
} You err to pass the first by name.
} Make a pass at the second one with care,
} The third can pass right through the air.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sphinx.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most happy and hustling,
> The answer is a hog calling contest, a hotcake, and a handjob. What was the
> question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Name two things that are more fun for participants than spectators, and
} one...uh...breakfast item.
}
} You owe Steve Allen royalties for ripping off his "Question Man" idea,
} Mister "Carnac."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most beautiful and bored,
> The answer is a butternut squash, a BASIC programmer, and a basketball hoop.
> What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are three things I'll never be seen near?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Daily Double.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most interesting and intelligent,
> The answer is an Israeli, an infection, and an intranet. What was the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Name a Jew, achoo, and a job for Big Blue.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most dashing and dapper,
> The answer is a doghouse, a daffodil, and a dental dam. What is the question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is the fourth question of this type I have received today?
}
} You owe the Oracle another Daily Double.


From: Stan (cn119_FreeNet.Carleton.CA_(Stanislav)
Subject: Re: Q: Why is Bill gates such a geek?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/07

A while ago this newsgroup have explained me the difference between Bill Gates, and a geek (thanks, Kyle!). I promised in return to post the article. So here it is, enjoy it, and thanks to everyone who have e-mailed suggestions, I used alot of them....

Stan.

Begin article
---->
"...Some kind of happiness is measured down in miles.
What makes you think you're something special when you smile?
Childlike. Noone understands. Jackknife in your sweaty hands.
Some kind of innosence is measured down in years.
You don't know what it's like to listen to your fears.
You can talkt to me. You can talk to me.
If you're lonely, you can talk to me..." -
sings Stan as he opens another letter.

---------------------

"Why is Bill Gates such a Geek?"
Clueless.

To start off let's define a word "geek". Webster Dictionary of English language on-line defines geek as:

:geek: \'ge-k\ n [prob. fr. E dial. geek, geck fool, fr LG geck, fr MLG] :
a carnival performer often billed as wild man who's act usually includes biting the head off live chicken or snake.

I never heard of Bill Gates biting heads off chickens, not even mentioning snakes, even though he did perform on some of the carnivals, the latest one being the Comdex. He does not really qualify as a complete geek, as you can see.

"Computer geek" maybe? Let's see...

"The on-line hacker Jargon file version 4.0.0 24 JUL 1996" defines:

:computer geek: /n./ 1. One who eats (computer) bugs for a living. One who fulfills all the dreariest negative stereotypes about hackers: an asocial, malodorous, pasty-faced monomaniac with all the personality of a cheese grater. Cannot be used by outsiders without implied insult to all hackers; compare black-on-black vs. white-on-black usage of `nigger'. A computer geek may be either a fundamentally clueless individual or a proto-hacker in {larval stage}. Also called `turbo nerd', `turbo geek'. See also {propeller head}, {clustergeeking}, {geek out}, {wannabee}, {terminal junkie}, {spod}, {weenie}. 2. Some self-described computer geeks use this term in a positive sense and protest sense 1 (this seems to have been a post-1990 development). For one such argument, see http://samsara.circus.com/~omni/geek.html. {bletcherous}, {losing}, q.v., but the connotation is much milder.

Hmm. A tough one. I resolved the problem by asking Sally Gates's permision to look at some letters she received from her son. According to her, he was then 10 years old, and just left for a computer camp. Here are the letters in chronological order:

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.

and that was the last letter she ever received from her son. It happened more then quarter century ago. Since then Bill Gates have changed alot. Those 30000$ he had received was enough to start his own company and to hire people like Tim Patterson, who wrote most of the software for him. Since those days Mr. Gates stopeed coding, and mostly governs the taking over of the world by Microsoft. Therefore Bill Gates is NOT a geek. He is a wannabe geek. Here are helpful signs that you can use to determine the difference between real geeks and wannabe geeks:

Wannabe Geeks Real Geeks
Buy computers from mail-order shops and upgrade them by hand Create their own using the chips they make in their basement
Complain about the bugs in the sure-to-be-a-hit super cool game that they're creating When told about bugs, they respond: "You mean some people don't write perfect code the first time???"
Learn to type really fast so that they can write more code faster Create devices that hook into their brains and allowing them to input code as fast as they think
Work really hard and finish the weekend assignment in a day Have their artificial intelligence program write it for them so they can code more interesting things
Use an optimizing compiler to get that extra speed Optimize their code by hand...
...and do a better job

As you can see, Bill Gates is not a geek. He was formerly a wannabe geek, but has never approached the nirvana that being a geek truly is. Hopefully, with this helpful guide to lead you, you won't make such a horrible mistake again, Dear Clueless.

I would like to sincerely thank Sally Gates, Tina, Kyle R. Hoffman, and Steve Kinzler in proiding support and help in my research to answer your question.

--------------
"Bill Gates is a man who thinks he is important
Thinks MSN is on a roll.
He's the one who thought up DOS and Windows
And now he's planning net.control

Bill Gates! Bill Gates!
The net doen't belong to you.
Bill Gates! Bill Gates!
The net doen't belong to you.
Go home.....

Bill Gates is a man who thinks he is legend
But his company is full of geeks. { as "computer geeks" }
Expensive applications with useless volumes
Installing one could take you weeks.

Bill Gates! Bill Gates!
The net doen't belong to you..." -

keeps on singing Stan, logging on to Internet...


From: Robin Miller (roblimo_primenet.com)
Subject: Get Really, Really, Rich in 10 Minutes!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/05

All you need is 50 cents. E-mail it to the first 500 people to read this newsgroup and have each of them e-mail it to 500 more people, and each of them e-mail it to 500 more people, than tell all of those people to e-mail all their money to me.

It only takes ten minutes to get this started. Then, next time you do it, instead of sitting at a 'puter keyboard, you'll put your "Get Really, Really, Rich in 10 Minutes!" program on the air as an infomercial shot at your new beachfront mansion in Aruba, with your yacht, expensive sports car, and trophy wife (You should see MINE!) in the background.

So what are you waiting for? Thinking won't make you rich. ACTION will make you rich!

Just to prove I'm sincere, here's a certificate good for 50 virtual cents that you can mail to anyone you forgot during the recent winter solstice holidays.

-------------------------
|50-50-50-50-50-50-50-50|
|cents-cents-cents-cents|
-------------------------

From: Tony Mantler (eek_escape.ca)
Subject: Re: What do you make of this?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/14

sford_MCS.COM (Steve Ford) wrote:
: > As I can request help if I do not understand English! ! At last, I had an opportunity to talk with oracle on direct! ! It was very pleasant to me to read your previous answers!.. ! At you that is not present www to find any university and to give his address! Or you americanes are simple so to help to the person are not capable? Then YOU searh errors in english in my letter ! :-) OK? [...]
: I _knew_ I shouldn't have inluded my email address in my answer. Anybody have a clue what last few sentences mean? Any suggestion what I do now?

sure, boil a lock of your hair in a kiwi peel under a full moon. after aproximatley 1 hour of boiling, pour the resultant liquid into a small hole put your left foot into said hole and cover with earth. water periodically with guava puree. after 4 to 6 weeks, remove your foot from the earth and celebrate your spiritual awakening.

next question...


From: David Sewell (dsew_packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: Is it me, or is the new oracularity very late?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/09

<iddavis_vms.cis.pitt.edu> wrote:
>Oh, alright then. Steve Kinzler is in Puerto Rico and the Oracle is sulking. Something to do with a burro.

That's *spring* break, Ian. The Oracle traditionally spends Christmas holidays being grilled by Lisa's relatives about when he intends to make her a "respectable lady."

(Oh, I know--but you've no idea how good Orrie is at keeping a straight face...)


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: obvious answers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.fan.e-t-b
Date: 1997/01/20

Eli the Bearded <usenet-tag_qz.little-neck.ny.us> wrote:
> Yo, Oracle, whose computer is so powerful it doubles as the heating element in your furnace, I want to ask you a question.
> AMI's Goliath is a monster of a motherboard with capacity for four Pentium pros, room for a gig of ram (four way interlaced), and *two* PCI buses for fast peripheral throughput. I know all that from their spec sheet. But I want to know more. Can you provide me with some pebbles of details they left out?

Lets see, this board also has the following features:

  • Built-in nuclear reactor means you can use it as a portable without carrying batteries.
  • Reads your mind (i.e. no keyboard or mouse).
  • Can alter the fabric of space and time with the new TARDIS coprocessor.
  • Keeps your breath minty fresh.
  • Parking for up to 20 midsize vehicles.
  • Some puny computers store recipes. This one is a trained French chef.
  • Can be used as food in an emergency. In connection with the above "chef" feature, it can actually cook itself if necessary (note that this will void the warranty).
  • Makes you instantly well-hung. That's right: instantly well-hung. [This *is* what the high performance specs are really about, right?]
  • Cleans your carpets.
  • Does your laundry.
  • Mows your lawn.
  • Will make you the All Being, master of time, space, and dimension.

I think there are more, but that should give you an idea of the kind of system you're looking at.


From: Al Corvino (corvino/remove-to-email/_rohan.sdsu.edu)
Subject: Re: obvious answers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.fan.e-t-b
Date: 1997/01/21

Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten_spike.wellesley.edu) wrote:
: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com) wrote:
: : * Makes you instantly well-hung. That's right: instantly well-hung.
: : [This *is* what the high performance specs are really about, right?]
: What does it do to its female users?

It gives them a *huge* belly button. They are hoping to fix this in a flash-BIOS upgrade.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: I've been digested!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/23

chambj_nortel.ca "Jacques Chamberland" writes:
> Jacques "C'mon just zot me, I dare ya" Chamberland
> Please note taht these are not the opinions of my employer.

Speaking on behalf of my employer, I think he'd just love to see me zotted.


From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud_NO-SPAM.waverider.co.uk)
Subject: Priestly irony
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/13

Got this back from Ian after he judged my oracularity. It made me chuckle...

Date: Tue, 7 Jan 1997 04:55:19 -0500 (EST)

Nice try, but not this time!

Ian Davis
Oracular Priest

Your Oracularity follows:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Orrie, magnificent publisher,
> when will I get in another Oracularity ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}Aha! This is where I'm supposed to say "Not this time.", thus invoking Sewells Second Law.
}
}Sewells Second Law: "Any Oracular question and answer pairing that explicitly or implicitly states that it will not be digested shall be digested."
}
}Sorry pal, I don't play those sort of games.
}
}You owe the Oracle a copy of Principia Oracularia, First Edition.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph_rmii.com)
Subject: Re: Priestly irony
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/23

Richard Wilson <Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> dsew_packrat.UUCP "David Sewell" writes:
> > Er... could you remind me what my First Law was?

That's it. Tomorrow I'm going right down to my ISPs offices, find the newsadmin, and personally smack him for running such a slow feed.

> I think that's the one that goes: "No priest shall select an oracularity emanating from Richard Wilson between the months of November and January in any two consecutive years, on pain of defrocking."

No, no, you've got it wrong: It's "...between the months of January and December, inclusive."


From: Richard Wilson (Richard_molerat.demon.co.uk)
No, no, no - the punishment for selecting RW oracularities between February and October is far less severe. They just have to recite 342 Hail Orries (with the knotted rope).


From: Matthew Wingate (Matthew.Wingate_Colorado.EDU)
Subject: plucking yew
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/13

I received the following tidbit over e-mail today. I have the distinct impression that the Oracle is
the true author.

8x-----------------------------cut here-----------------------------x8

HISTORY LESSON

The 'Car Talk' show (on NPR) with Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers have a feature called the 'Puzzler', and their most recent 'Puzzler' was about the Battle of Agincourt. The French, who were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle, threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. The puzzler was: What was this body part? This is the answer submitted by a listener:

Dear Click and Clack,

Thank you for the Agincourt 'Puzzler', which clears up some profound questions of etymology, folklore and emotional symbolism. The body part which the French proposed to cut off of the English after defeating them was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow.
This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew". Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this ssymbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'f', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew all thought yew knew everything!


From: Ralph Betza (gnohmon_pcwnet.com)
Subject: Re: Blank response?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/01/24

Carla Levy (clevy_hussle.harvard.edu) wrote:
: I sent a question to the Oracle the day before yesterday, and it came back this morning with a null reply! Just

: And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

: No answer though. Whaddya think? Existential humor? Or a clewless incarnation?

It's been done. I forget exactly when, but I remember seeing a null answer selected, sometime within the last 200 Digests. It was the perfect answer for the question it answered.

The web software doesn't seem to be able to search for a null question or a null answer, so good luck finding it, and better luck finding out if that was the only one ever selected.

I thought it was a wonderful and memorable event, and wished I had written either the answer or the question, so that I could have been part of this momentous happening.

I have never had a null question selected, either. I sincerely believe that my null queries are better crafted and more elegantly phrased than any of those that have been chosen, and that i have simply been unmlucky in not getting the best of answers.

I have had at least 5 answers to null queries selected, of course, but that's easy. You write it up in advance, and wait months for a null question; at last you get it, send it in, bingo. 591-04 594-08 595-06 602-03 609-09 are mine, and they are not bad, but I have seen better answers to the same question.

I have never had the opportunity of answering a question about the null question, much less a question about a question about...



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