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1997 06

From: Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmii.com)
Subject: Re: So, who's gonna flame the lit agent?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/01

Pat Smart (psmart.gbconsulting.com) wrote:
: Re: the posting in rho: The only place any of us will ever see our names in print is, most likely, under the "Drunk&Disorderly" heading of the newspaper's "Police Blotter" feature.

I aspire to far more than that. It's my hope that, when they finally drag me in, it will be for something which the CIA wants to keep out of the papers. Then I'll become the focus of a whole new conspiracy theory. Ten years later, some motivated journalist will do an expose and I'll be front-page news.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/10

Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) wrote:
>Incidentally, here's what the Kabalarians have to say about our lad:
> [snip]
>Odd - nothing about grovelling or ZOT tolerance...

What's odder is that they don't have the name "Orrie" in their list at all. But that's okay, since I e-mailed them to add it. I'll be interested to see what they have to say, and whether it's accurate. Just for kicks, I looked up Lisa. Here's their spin on Orries GF:

"Although your first name of Lisa has some very fine qualities, it has not always had a constructive influence as it restricts diplomacy and tact, and makes it difficult for you to show compassion towards others. The name has limited your expression, making you very intense and quite direct in speech, and could cause you to be denied a closeness in understanding from your family and friends. Thus, at times of disappointment or frustration, you find it difficult to control your speech, and are inclined to be somewhat sarcastic and say things that you later regret. As a capable person desiring new experiences and freedom to do as you wish, you prefer to meet greater challenges that involve much action. This restlessness makes it difficult for you to finish the things you start. You build up an intensity over anything you plan to do; then, if something or someone interferes with your plan, you become very depressed and at these times others find it difficult to approach you. Upsets and moods cause tension in the region of your solar plexus resulting in nervous indigestion and related problems. Weaknesses in the health could also affect the senses of the head. It brings you many bitter experiences with people for those you trust the most will let you down. This name is most unsuited to personal happiness and health, and makes you far too independent to be able to merge successfully with others. Relaxation would be virtually impossible because of the driving force created. "

It would seem that the Kabalarians think Lisa is a bitch. This won't do at all.

Actually, these folks are a hoot. www.kabalarians.com is the URL.

From: marko.smtplink.pulse.com (marko.smtplink.pulse.com)
Subject: Re: Seen in Rockville, MD
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/12

tph.rmi.net wrote:
> David C. Mescher <dmescher.cslab.vt.edu> wrote:
> ...which translates as, "There Ain't No Such Thing As A Fried Lemon".

...which is absolutely untrue. I have fried lemons in the past. (In tempura batter, of course.)

However, it's a safe bet that I won't be frying any lemons in the future.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Seen in Rockville, MD
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/13

marko.smtplink.pulse.com writes:
> (In tempura batter...)

And I thought I was the only one who went in for Latin catchphrases around here.

From: Friar Tuck (ftuck.flatland.dimensional.com)
Subject: flatulence & the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/18

I've got a question that I've submitted several times, mostly to cackle wildly as I tried to picture the faces of the Incarnations receiving the answer.

I've been zotted most creatively; one answer had a small volcano erupt in my basement; my pet rat survived, to the relieve of my neighbors, but I *alas* went unmourned.

But I finally got a knock-down perfect answer, and I haven't had the heart to submit this stinker since.

My hat is off to the Avatar who did this answer:

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> *Phew!* Wow, Orrie, that's one way to clear out a crowd at a party. I don't know what you ate, but that was *horrible*!
> What are you going to do for an encore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 1812 Overture.
} You owe the Oracle a burrito.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Yelp!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/17

jclemens.big.aa.net (Jonathan Clemens) wrote:
>Joe Millington <jmill.dialnet.net> wrote:
>>Is this the correct area to post answers to the Oracles questions?
>>If not, can you point me to the mens room?

Look Mr. Smarty Pants, that's no help at all. This person is obviously a new user who needs our help and understanding. He doesn't need some wiseass non-answer sent out there simply for the sake of getting a laugh or two.

In answer to your question, Joe, the men's room is right over there.

From: Thomas Pscheidt (pscheidt.ix.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Michelle makes the big time...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/23

<largish snip by Hetta>
And who knows what possesses the priests to pick any single oracularity? There is nothing quite like seeing your own creative handiwork displayed out there for all to see bringing up that amazing feeling of "oh, my God! why did they pick that thing? I'm gonna get a 1.2 fer shure...."

From: Ami Skinner (askinner.gbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: Michelle makes the big time...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/30

Paul wrote (presumably while fully clothed, but we'll never know, will we?):
>Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au) wrote:
>>Don't you use a JPEG to hang out your Y-fronts?
> Okay, I give up. Is this some Aussie code? What's a Y-front?

I hate to see a grown man stumbling around in ignorance (that's why I don't leave the house much) so I'll give you a clue. First, strip. Okay, pick up your undies from the floor. Hold them up in front of you at eye level. If you wear tightie-whities, look at the pattern the seams make, and...EUREKA!

If you wear boxers, just walk down the street and ask strange men to show you the front of their briefs. I'm sure you won't encounter any problems with this, once you assure them it's strictly scientific curiosity.

Of course, you could also just go to the store, rip open a package of briefs, and look at them that way, but then you don't get any of that human interaction so lacking in the lives of those who hang out in this newsgroup.

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Digest #916
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/29

So, the first digest to appear after my initiation into the Priesthood is 60% connected with me in some way: 3 Oracularities that I selected, 2 questions by me, and 1 answer by me. Ah, this job does have its perks...

From: Ami Skinner (askinner.gbconsulting.com)
Apparently the other Priests haven't shared with you the central tenet of the Oracular faith: Peronal glory is a perfectly acceptable payoff for the occasional incarnation, but PRIESTS GET CASH. If you're wasting your time filling the Oracularities with your own material, you're a twit who wouldn't know an opportunity to turn a buck if it whistled Dixie and did a table dance in front of you. The REAL perk of the job is SELLING YOUR SELECTION VOTE to the highest bidder, and don't you forget it. Oh, and by the way, Orrie expects a hefty percentage of the baksheesh, and he's wondering how much he's going to get for those questions and answers of yours.

From: Rich McGee (rmcgee.wiley.csusb.edu)
>Ah, this job does have its perks..

Yes, I agree. In fact, I think the best perk is the "Weekend with Lisa" you get when your score tops 3.0.

If anyone isn't interested in their free Lisa-night, I'll be glad to help!

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Digest #916
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/07/03

kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
> Rich McGee (rmcgee.wiley.csusb.edu) wrote:
> : Yes, I agree. In fact, I think the best perk is the "Weekend with Lisa" you get when your score tops 3.0.
> Why, Snuggles, you should know I'm not that kind of girl.
> Now, if it were a "Weekend with Michelle", on the other hand...

Wow, weekends with Lisa, weekends with Michelle, I had no idea. And to think I've been avoiding the priesthood because I'm not into torture. Wait a minute.... what kind of weekends ARE these, anyway?

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: How does selection work?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/19

ftuck.flatland.dimensional.com "Friar Tuck" writes:
> I've been digested half a dozen times or so, usually for stuff that *I* also liked quite well. But I've sent off several that I'm quite surprised didn't make it. (Yes I know, sometimes the Priest's sense of humor doesn't match mind, but still...)

Ooh yes, let's have the traditional summer round of "Why don't the priests ever pick the funny ones?" to which the priests chant the traditional response "There are never any funny ones to pi-i-ick", whereupon the incarnations come straight back with "Hah, all mine are funny and you never pick them, which just goes to prove you guys wouldn't recognise real humour if it sat on your face and wiggled", thereby winning the argument hands down every time.

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Have you no appreciation for the rituals of the Oracular religion? I think this particular bit was covered in the Oracucon; "When the sun shines its brightest in the lands of the northern hemisphere, then shalt ye quarrel and argue in earnest as regards the digests. And to each of thee, priest and supplicant, I say, know that thine
opponent is soft in the head, and rest ye not until the coming of the newbie in the ninth month." Besides, the flames help Ian stay warm down there in backward-season land. I've been looking forward to this year's discussion, and was about to kick off the festivities myself, if nobody beat me to it.

Of course, my newsfeed being what it is, I'll only get one out of every 4 or 5 flames. I may have to flame myself just to keep in line with the Oracle's seasonal commands.

From: davis.wehi.edu.au (davis.wehi.edu.au)
Is that what that was? No wonder I didn't get the name.

I digress. You are almost correct Richard, except to say that the traditional priesthood response to this type of complaint is to say, "Ner ner na ner ner."

Don't forget about the part where you call the supplicants "Weenerbranes".

The correct inflection is important. Then we all go off and have a good laugh about the delusions of democracy among the readership. Nothing like a good guffaw to clear the sinuses, I always say. Not that I get many, since there are never any funny ones to pi-i-ick. Many guffaws, I should say, to avoid confusion.

I suspect (and what follows is only a humble opinion; I leave laying down the law to our noble usenet elders, mentioning no names, or even any initials like JF or anything) that the present selection system is designed not to get the good replies into the digests, but to keep the truly dire ones (95-98% of the total, depending on who you ask) out. A selection system based on maximising the quality of the digests, and ensuring none of the priests need end up wearing the Burl Ives badge of shame ever again (don't think I've forgotten, Sewell) would involve the same oracularity being sent to at least 4 or 5 priests to obtain a reasonable consensus.

Such a system would have one huge advantage: having to plough through 4-5 times the amount of brain-numbing crap they do at the moment will send the bastards barking mad in next to no time. That'll learn 'em for not picking all my best stuff.

Woof, indeed. However, the real tragedy is that we *have* picked all your best stuff. And if you don't stop picking it, it'll never heal.

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Re: How does selection work?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/20

sarah_williams.ansuz.sooke.bc.ca wrote:
: Anyways.....I was going to ask if there was any way to get all the priests on one plane and nuke it? I don't think The Oracle would mind.....heck I'll lay bets on if he'll even notice!

One plane? Well, I have that:

\                                        \
 \                                        \
  \                                        \
   \                                        \
    \                                        \
     \                                        \
      \                                        \
       \                                        \ 

Clamber aboard, priesties!

From: Kyle R. Hofmann (rhofmann.crl.com)
And here we have the priests, too:

: +---------------------------0-----------+
: \            0             /|\           \
:  \    0     /|\            / \            \
:   \  /|\    / \      0                     \
:    \ / \            /|\                0    \
:     \               / \      0        /|\    \
:      \         0            /|\       / \     \
:       \       /|\           / \                \
:        \      / \                               \
:         +----------------------------------------+

Anyone have a nuke handy?

From: Spike (u5a77.teach.cs.keele.ac.uk)

               *               o               O
:                    \_/
: : +----------------/ \--------0-----------+
: : \            0   \H/       /|\           \
: :  \    0     /|\   O        / \            \
: :   \  /|\    / \      0                     \
: :    \ / \            /|\                0    \
: :     \               / \      0        /|\    \
: :      \         0            /|\       / \     \
: :       \       /|\           / \                \
: :        \      / \                               \
: :         +----------------------------------------+

Will a small 'H' bomb do?

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)

>                               @
> : +----___--------------------0-----------+
> : \   | @ |    0             /|\           \
> :  \  |___|   /oo\           / \            \
> :   \  /|\    / \      0   Kinzler           \
> :    \ / \   Carole   /|\                0    \
> :    Panzer           /        .        /|\ <--\----  Me
> :      \         0 | Harold   /|\       /|\     \
> :       \       /|\+          / \        |       \
> :        \     */ \          Sewell      |        \
> :         +----------------------------------------+            ^            |          Dreyaldumar <= Otis>

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Good God, Ian! What *IS* that you're sitting on?

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
And if *I* were a priest, here's what the picture would look like:

 \   | @8|    08            /|\    0   <--\--- Me
  \  |___|   /oo\           / \  (*)(*)    \
   \  /|\    / \      08  Kinzler /\/\      \
    \ / \   Carole   /|\           /\  80    \
    Panzer           /        .8       /|\ <--\----  Ian
      \         08| Harold   /|\       /|\     \
       \       /|\+          / \        |       \ 
        \     */ \          Sewell      |        \

Just another addition to the long list of reasons why I *should* become one, ladies and germs...
kirsten (who successfully fought off temptation to perform even further alterations on the graphic of Ian)

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)

> >                               ?
> > : +----___--------------------0-----------+
> > : \   | . |    0             /|\           \
> > :  \  |___|   /oo\           / \            \
> > :   \  /|\    / \      0   Kinzler           \
> > :    \ / \   Carole   /|\                0    \
> > :    Panzer           /        .        /|\ <--\----  Me
> > :      \         0 | Harold   /|\       /|\     \
> > :       \       /|\+          / \        |       \
> > :        \     */ \          Sewell      |        \
> > :         +----------------------------------------+
>                    ^
>                    |
>                  Dreyaldumar <= Otis>


If you keep sitting on it like that, it's going to get stuck up there.

Is Carole really so busty that one of her arms is forced out toward the side like that? How does she manage to stand up?

BTW you made a small mistake on Kinzler, but I fixed it.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
I keep on waiting for someone to put Ian the right way up, viz:

> >
> >  ID>         \
> >  ID>          \
> >  ID>      |    \
> >  ID>      |  <--\----  Me :
> >  ID>     \|/     \
> >  ID>     \|/      \
> >  ID>      0        \
> >  ID> ---------------+

> Why do you think he's in the "Land Down Under"?

I mean, *I'd* do it but, being British I am renowned for the subtlety and sophistication of my wit, therefore I can't destroy all your illusions by stooping to anything so obvious. But I feel *somebody* ought to do it.

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*----*--Now to devise an asciiart representation of a bluey--

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: This made me laugh. I'm not sure why.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/27

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com "Paul" ruminates:
> Ami Skinner <askinner.gbconsulting.com> wrote:
> >I'm not sure why, either. Could this sense of humor be what's keeping you outta the priesthood?
> Actually, I'd bet more on the vow of sobriety.

Don't let this stand in your way, Paul. I believe alcohol consumption isn't compulsory for priests. Well, except for the Australian ones.

Richard Wilson

And ritual self-castration is optional too nowadays

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Maximum number of tables?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/15

rozen.ix.netcom.com "Mike Rozenblyum" writes:
> I am faced with a database design dilemma. According to my most optimized design I would require a huge amount (1 million+) of tables.

You... you're not actually planning to provide the venue for the priesthood's annual dinner, are you?!? My god, man, didn't you hear what happened last year?

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Presumably he does, which is why his most optimized seating chart requires over one million tables to seat everyone. Last year we only had, what, a thousand people or so? Assuming that the events of the dinner have scared off, say, half of the potential invitees, that leaves about 2000 tables per guest for this year's dinner. If people are evenly distributed throughout the hall, each person would be several hundred tables from the nearest other person. Which might just be enough to reduce property damage by 10 or 15 percent.

I know the damage to property was covered by the insurance, but 78% of customers in the other dining rooms swore they'd never eat at a Howard Johnson's again.

Personally, I'd sworn this years ago, but I made an exception for last year's dinner. I thought the Oracle stuck to classy joints. Why we were all in a diner by the highway is beyond me. Maybe the location provided for quick escape routes?

From: Jim Ellwanger (trainman1.mindspring.com)
I can attest that I had a very quick escape route...however, in my rush to get out of there, I wound up going in the wrong direction on the turnpike. And that's a $10 penalty added to the toll.

I can only hope that the "NORTHBOUND" and "SOUTHBOUND" signs are more legible this year.

Two of the waitresses still go into hysterics at the sight of a bread roll. And there's no telling what might have happened if Darkmage had been able to attend...

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Visionaries.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/06/22

We in the old country are not subject to quite the same deluge of junk email as our Transatlantic cousins, so I haven't got around to taking any precautions against it as yet. There is enough, however, for the right index finger swoop to the Delete key to have become an entirely reflex action.

So it was with one message this morning. But, just as I was comitting it to electronic oblivion, I noticed the first line: "Because our profile shows you to be a visionary..."

A visionary? ME? How'd they figure that? HEY! These people must be targetting incarnations! WOW! I never thought of incarnations as a market sector before! Why, there must have been all sorts of cool stuff they were on the verge of offering me. A pocket-sized Staff of ZOT ... Timeshare on Lisa ... Your own personal solar-powered priesthood ... Woodchuck repellent ...

And I unthinkingly deleted it! Damn! Damn! DAMN!

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