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1997 05

From: Don Bixler (bixler.wavefront.com)
Subject: Re: Not for faint hearted please.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/06

ben.light.co.za wrote:
>You are invited to visit the web site
> "Prophecies of the Ages",
>Please click on the link < http://www.light.co.za/ >
>This unsolicited invitation is being sent to you, once only, with the hope of increased harmony among nations.

Harmony among nations...

I can just see it now.

USA: O.K., We'll sing tenor, New Zealand can sing bass, England can sing alto and Russia can sing soprano.
Russia: We aren't singing soprano!
Ireland: Who ever heard of an American tenor, we'll take tenor.
France: France will sing whatever part we want, and we'll sing in French, too.
Germany: Fine, you can sing, but we'll direct.
Poland: No, you can hardly keep two parts together...
<scuffle breaks out>
Ethopia: Let's discuss this at the United Nations.
USA: (Pulling Germany's hair) Why bother, we'll veto it.
China: (Whacking on Nigeria) Typical imperialist behavior.

No, let's not bother with harmony.

Don "We're Still Perfecting Dissonance" Bixler

From: Will Dyson (will.dyson.microserve.com)
Subject: Re: Impressive, Most Impressive
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/07

dean.lenort.worldnet.att.net wrote:
> We have a volunteer folks. BTW, how does your crossing over make us rich? Is this one of those MMF schemes?

Crossing over? Thats not MMF, thats TG[1]. C'mon people, read the... Oh, wait. Wrong group for that. ; )

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: What, or who, is the oracle?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/06

davis.wehi.edu.au :
>Ernest Charles Bowker <ebowker.tiger3.ocs.lsu.edu> writes:
>> I just subscribed to this newsgroup, so I'm a little confused. Who, or what, is the Oracle? Is it some great joke-telling deity, or just some plumber looking for nudie pictures in his apartment in Hackensack?
>You know, oddly enough, that explains everything.

It would explain everything, including why Lisa recently ran off -- I don't figure Lisa for the kind of gal who could stand seeing the plumber's butt crack on a regular basis.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Anyone ever get more than one question/answer in a digest?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/07

connorbd.cleo.bc.edu (Brian Connors) blurted without thinking:
>I'm just curious... three of #903's were mine (questions) and it just feels really really strange...


Oh, you really should be more careful -- some of the folks on this ng like to brag about their exploits. Not me, of course.

Oh well, what the hell. I wrote the answers for 863-04,08, and 09.

Now hold on there...no crowding! Look, I don't sign autographs! Hey! Stop that! I don't CARE if you want a souvenir, it's MY sock. Mmmmph! Mrrrrmmmph!

From: Carla Levy (clevy.hussle.harvard.edu)
Subject: Re: What, or who, is the oracle?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/16

Alan <Alan.atlcom.net> writes:
> Paul wrote:
> > remove.me.to.email.corvino.rohan.sdsu.edu (Al Corvino) said:
> > >Parsing: Footnote has NULL ref (core dumped)
> > Parsing: Al is a Unix geek. EVERYBODY RUN!
> The homecoming queen (Carla) has a gun.

no, I don't. I'm just happy to see you, that's all.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Out of the Mouths of Babes and Clueless
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/10

The question:
> Hey, Orrie! What say you 'n me, we go downtown, pick up a bit of totty, get drunk 'n unpleasant, carouse away till the early hours. How's about it?

Three answers so far. Here's the full text:
1. } No.
2. } Sweet!
3. } Okay, see ya tomorrow night.

If I keep trying, maybe he'll even offer to pay for the drinks!

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--still, at least one of them didn't quote the question back at me-

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Out of the Mouths of Babes and Clueless
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/11

jota.tiac.net "Admiral Jota" writes:
> I saw that subject line, and I was almost certain it was going to be another thread about Lisa and Zadoc.

You have a point, Admiral. Perhaps we need another newsgroup for the hopelessly addicted, like alt.humor.zadoc.creative... hmm, no, that's a contradiction in terms.

alt.sex.binaries.zadoc? Be still my racing heart!

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-

From: Hrvoje Niksic (hniksic.srce.hr)
Subject: Re: Oracle Addiction
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/16

Ben Stern <bstern.heatwave.dorm.umd.edu> writes:
> Paul wrote:
> > >> Oh Oracle most wise, who knows the names of *all* of the elves in J. R. R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, please tell me why Chuckatine, the secret
> > Hmmm. All the elves in LOTR -- are we including the ones in the appendices?
> Well, the Oracle is. He knows the names of _all_ of them. ;-)

I think the mystery of Tom Bombadil's identity is finally solved.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Oracle Addiction
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/17

jota.tiac.net (Admiral Jota) blurted without thinking:
>Hrvoje Niksic <hniksic.srce.hr> writes:
>>I think the mystery of Tom Bombadil's identity is finally solved.
>Hmm, that would mean that Goldberry is...
>But then what about Zadok? Is he a barrow-wight?

Smeagol in drag.

From: Victor Eijkhout (eijkhout.jacobi.math.ucla.edu)
Subject: Re: Digest #904
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.fan.e-t-b
Date: 1997/05/19

Eli the Bearded <usenet-tag.qz.little-neck.ny.us> writes:
> >> Ian, I've not heard of Pauline Hanson but I *have* heard of Paul Hogan, which has pretty much destroyed your international credibility already. :)
> >Well, Lets hope you never do hear of her.
> Pauline Hanson: is she the blonde xenophobe/racist?

Who wants to ship the aborigines back to Africa, or something like that, right? :-)

From: Paul (zymurge.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: 902-03: "My Word"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/01

davis.wehi.edu.au wrote:
><Insult large readership>
>It's a nasty bias I suppose, but there are very few US comedies worth watching. Cheers, Frasier, the Simpsons and the early Murphy Brown are some exceptions. Living in the US for two years did nothing to change my opinion, sorry. On the other hand, it's rare to find a British comedy that isn't very clever. One which has just made it to Australia is The Fast Show, which seems to be heading towards Python status.
></Insult large readership>

Oh. My. God. PLEASE let's don't get into one of those terrible, horrible, no good very bad flamewars about how awful such-and-such a country is.

Besides, all the really funny Americans aren't writing for TV -- they're writing for the Internet Oracle. I understand it's the other way around on the other side of the Atlantic.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: 902-03: "My Word"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/02

davis.wehi.edu.au wrote:
>zymurge.mindspring.com (Paul "Hook Line & Sinker" K) writes:
>> Oh. My. God.
>No need to be formal, "Ian" will do.

Oh yes, very nice. He becomes a Priest of the Oracle, and then within the same lifetime promotes himself to Supreme Being. Mighty presumptuous, I say.

>I've never quite forgiven you for what you did to Peter Cook.

Oops. I thought everybody had forgotten about that. Look, you shouldn't go around reminding people of what they did when they were only nine years old. Besides, he was asking for it -- he stole my candy bar. And he DID learn to walk again. Well, kinda. Oh, alright, he mostly just, you know, sort of squirms along, but he gets around okay. That is, during his conscious periods. Which, although they don't happen so often as they used to, he seems to enjoy just as much as the average person. By average I mean, of course, someone who hasn't, for example, been smashed in the head by a gardening spade, and then had their legs run over by a...

Oof! You said PETER Cook. Wow, I thought you said DIETER Cook. Silly me. No, I never, ever did anything to Peter Cook. Heck, he's still alright, isn't he? Seems I just saw him helping some young Princess getting married. Hmm. You know, actually, he did seem to have something wrong with his tongue, something that made him talk funny. But I was not responsible.

>Ian, still deeply impressed by the gajillion rebuttal, and whose last post has moved back under the bridge to await another billy goat.

Hey! I thought only trolls lived under bridges!


From: Admiral Jota (jota.tiac.net)
Subject: Re: 902-03: "My Word"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/16

black-dog.geocities.com (Blade-Runner) writes:
>Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) wrote:
>>Hmm, we're in danger of hijacking this thread and flying it to alt.fan.british-humor or some such. Mornington Crescent, anyone?
>Mornington Crescent ? Ok I'm game.
>Piccadilly Circus

Is there any way that a poor Yank can get a listing of the allowable stations? I purchased the 'Almost-but-not-Quite-Compleat Rules to Mornington Crescent, Abridged' several years ago from a used bookstore (the store was previously owned by a tailor), but Volume 32 (the one with the list of all the stations) was missing.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #907
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/23

Leonard Blanks ltb+usenet.haruspex.demon.co.uk said:
>John Ward <wardjw.pigeon.qut.edu.au> writes:
>> Mike Anthis <anthis.halcyon.com> writes:
>>> 3 2 4 3 4 4 3 4 5 5
>> Mean: 3.5
>> Median: 4
>> Mode: 4
>> SD: 1
>> Q1: 3
>> Q3: 4
>> Min: 2
>> Max: 5
>> Total number of recorded observations : 10
>> (Warning: Observations are out of context)
>Aren't there restrictions in the newsgroup charter concerning the posting of College of Education doctoral dissertations?

Get real. Most schools won't give you more than a Masters in Education for just ten data points.

From: Richard Uhr (n2191474.student.fit.qut.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Wonderful meta-Oracularity
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/26

> > Where can I find it out of the depths of gehenna?

What's gehenna? >-)

From: Tooden (TOODEN.prodigy.net)
Isn't it the stuff Lisa uses to get those great red-ish highlights in her hair?

From: Itamar Netzer (s3864881.techst02.technion.ac.il)
Gehenna is a phonetic corruption of the Hebrew word "Gehenom", which is also a phonetic corruption of "Gey Ben Hinom", a place near Jerusalem where people used to sacrifice their firstborn children by fire to a god called "Molech" 3000 years ago.

It means, simply, Hell. (Are we still allowed to say that word?)

From: Steven Ehrbar (ehrbar.oeonline.com)
A corruption of the words "Grey Ben's Enema", a reference to a scene planned for the Star Wars Special Edition II to be released twenty years from now. When Luke has trouble hitting the remote with the lightsaber onboard the Millenium Falcon, Ben Kenobi mixes up a special desert herb enema to help the Force flow through him.

From: Russ Ault (russ.hal-pc.org)
Technically, that should be GeHenna(tm), a product used to change the color of germanium (Ge) semiconductor wafers which dominated the solid-state device market from the late '50s through the early '70s. GeHenna(tm) was used as an obfuscating tactic to conceal the nature of the devices in an effort to protect the various trade and military secrets involved. While laughably ineffective, the lack of any competing process caused GeHenna(tm) application to be required as part of the manufacturing process for many MIL-spec components long after the reason for its adoption had been forgotten. Its use declined not as a result of lack of need, but as a side effect of the widespread switch to silicon. Since germanium (Ge) had a melting point too low for practical use in certain applications (such as teleprompters at political party conventions) the majority of popular semiconductors ar now made of the more heat-tolerant (and more plentiful) silicon. Many germanium devices are still in use and production, but GeHenna(tm) hasn't been available since the only plant producing it mysteriously blew up about a year before the last DoD contract requiring the use of GeHenna(tm) was to expire. This sent the price of the remaining GeHenna(tm) to an all-time high, sparking a high-level investigation of the resulting cost overruns which then caused the specs for the effected MIL-spec devices to be rewritten to forbid the use of GeHenna(tm)-treated material, and requiring that an even more costly (and classified) substance be used instead.

From: Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmii.com)
Right. These days they just dip the wafers in a bath of molten gold. It _is_ much more expensive, but also more effective. And it has the dubious side-effect that all the inflated prices you hear about for military equipment are now actually accurate and honest.

From: Admiral Jota (jota.tiac.net)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/05/29

tgleason.prestigeslc.com (Prestige Consulting Corporation) writes:
>In a bind. Need Oracle DBA yesterday.1-2 years experience. Will Relocate. Will pay up to 60K plus benefits. Call today.

Must break kryptonite handcuffs. Cannot let... Luther hurt Lois Lane. Must discover... secret hideout. Cannot... lose... consciousness...

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