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1997 09

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Pamela & Tommy's Secret Sex Tape
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/01

Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) said:
: <dflkajskl.ldfjlsjfsa.com> wrote:
: > There is only one Pam & Tommy Sex Tape and it is available here for a limited time only. Others may claim to have it for sale but this is the only Hard Core Copyrighten version in existence. See them bare their soles and bodies in public places, but observe closely, a very private blend of love and sex that they thought the public would never see.
: Sigh. I'm going to have to sue. I don't even KNOW anyone named Pam.

Just 'cuz you didn't ask her name doesn't mean her name might not be Pam. Dang, wass that a negative sentence. But--if we're to believe the hype--"know" her you did.

dan, who's bright red Siamese fighting fishies are getting aroused

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Product Annoucement
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/11

news.sparksintl.com passed on the following public health message:
> I lost 2-1/2" from my waist, 2-1/2" from my hips, and 3-1/2" from each thigh -- overnight.

Of course, the same thing happened to Sylvester the cat in the one with the escaped panther, and look what happened to him.

> My husband lost two inches from his worst area

That happened to me once. Now I just put a potato down there and nobody is the wiser.

> My mother-in-law lost 1-1/2" from her stomach,

Those 12-gauges *are* effective, aren't they?

> 2. It liquefies fat naturally

Fat, of course, never being liquid in its natural state at body temperature...

Call Lard-O-Matic, although I sense another product from Oracle Enterprises soon to be released.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Heeelllllloooooooooooo!!!!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/21

Where the hell IS everybody?

From: Robin Harrison (rahar8.student.monash.edu.au)
Didn't you get the memo?
We've all been moved to microsoft.humor.msoracle.
Come, participate in the fruits of assimilation MicroSoft Oracle 98: 'Making it easier to MS-Zot clients[1]'

[1] Supplicants is such a PC unfriendly term, clients builds up the esteem of those about to be MS-ZOTed.

From: Kirsten Chevalier (kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu)
I, personally, have been busy living up to the reputation I've managed to acquire on this newsgroup, for once in my life. Just thought you'd like to know.

Yes, it's true--I've been doing computer science problem sets.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/09

Two days, and not one post on RHOD. I've gotten jazillions of the sam-001 spam, 5 BethArnolds, and one GoodTimes clone in paper form, but even taken together, these don't measure up to a single RHOD.

dan, who's bright red Siamese fighting fishies are getting restless

From: Robin Harrison (rahar8.student.monash.edu.au)
Oh, whoops! It was me. I accidentaly hit the off switch on my way out on Friday. Sorry guys. And Kirsten.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/10

Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) said:
: That's the "spam I am" sex spam, right? "Would you, could you, in a boat? Would you, could you, with a goat? Would you do green eggs and ham? Try it, try it, spam I am!"

I do not want your MLMs;
I don't want to see nude teenage femmes.
I do not want psychic advice,
So there's no need to mail me thrice.
I do not like New Jerseyan swearing,
And I don't want the panties you're wearing.

I do not want your Asian chicks;
I don't care about your lame stock picks.
I do not want to see Pam's bod,
Don't care about your views on God.
I don't want calling cards prepaid,
Nor Herbalife's new diet aid.

So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter,
And the "I am so great" ranter,
And all you others who have no name--
Whether small-time or of nanae fame:
I do not want to sound too crass,
But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have procmail

From: Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag.qz.little-neck.ny.us)
Subject: Re: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.fan.e-t-b
Date: 1997/09/16

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> Al Corvino (remove.me.to.email.corvino.rohan.sdsu.edu) said:
> : the end of the fiscal year, which is this month. (Remember only 9 more shopping days until fiscal Christmas!)

What? Haven't you seen xmas junk in stores yet? Do you live in a cave?

> So what's in December? Mental Christmas?

The demarc point between xmas and after xmas sales.

> dan, who's bright red Siamese fighting fishies want more than coal

Like maybe charcoal for the air filter?

burned some chopsticks in a resturant to make charcoal for graffiti recently

From: Ben Fisher (ben_fisher_SPAMBUSTER.ccm2.hf.intel.com)
Subject: Re: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/30

Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> Otis Viles <cierhart.ic.net> wrote:
> > tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
> > >I'm sorry, but occasionally booting Windows 3.1 does not excuse you from howls of derisive laughter. :-)
> > Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia.
> OK, while exchanging favorite Monty Python quotes gets lame fast, I'd be real impressed if at this point someone could chime in with the _entire_ philosopher's song, without looking it up somewhere.

Emanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could drink you under the table
David Hume could out consume Wilhelm Fredrik Heggel
And Wittgenstien was a beery swine
who was just a sloshed as Schlegel

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach about the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed

John Stuart Mill of his own free will
on half a pint of chianti was particularly ill
Plato they say could put it away
half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart, "I drink, therefore I am"

Yes Socrates himself will be particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

From memory. I looked up the names and found I'd misspelled all of the Germans.

You're welcome, Tom Tom

and I even took three years of German in high school.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/10/12

tph.rmi.net "Tom "Tom" Harrington" writes:
> Now, to adapt it to feature characters from the Oracular pantheon.... Or would that be just TOO geeky?

I feel it would be an honour to be considered a TIO geek in present company, Tom. Here's a proposed first draft - it'll need some refining before it's ready as the priests' anthem, so any suggestions are welcome:

Young Kirsten C, in a fit of glee
Emptied twenty flasks of brandy
Mark Lawrence, Mark Lawrence, was reduced to mumbling nonsense
After half a lager shandy
Mike Nolan consumes more than
Christophe and Scott Panzer
But no-one here can hold more beer
Than the late and great Steve Kinzler

They'll tell you Lisa is a teaser
When she's had some woodchuck punch
Sixteen supplicants and
The football team by lunch

Rich McGee, in a boozing spree
Downed eighteen pints of vodka and a glass of lemur pee
Darkmage, they say, can stick it away
Forty tubes of Fosters every day
David Sewell, David Sewell overdosed on lighter fuel
Carole's pissed as a newt
And Alyce Wilson-Nesbit always drinks when she can get it
And then does strange things with fruit

You may think Zadoc is teetotal
Cause he's such a total dork
It takes six Harvey Wallbangers
To make him come to work

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*-You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand-

From: Mark Lawrence (Lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Blade-Runner wrote:
>tph.rmi.net "Tom "Tom" Harrington" writes:
> >> After half a lager shandy
> >Just what IS "shandy", anyway?
> Overpriced.

I can attest to that... it DID make Kirsten look good, though...

Real good...

Expecting pain like none I've ever felt

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
tph.rmi.net "Tom "Tom" Harrington" writes:
> Just what IS "shandy", anyway?

In days of old in these sceptred isles, women were considered too frail and delicate to be exposed to the full force of beer, so it was diluted about 50:50 with lemonade. To be precise, Timothy White's lemonade which anyone other than a Brit will tell you tastes almost but not quite entirely unlike lemonade (dangerous territory this - I think I garbled my HHGTTG allusion. That gets your account revoked on some ISPs).

The beer concerned was generally bitter. A lager shandy is somehow even more pansy.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #941
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/19

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au "Ian Davis" writes:
> Did you know there really is an Australian beer (brewed in Queensland) called XXXX, pronounced "Four-X"? Rumour has it the name is because Queenslanders can't spell "beer."

I first heard this crack from my little brother who lives in Calgoorlie. Is it possible to sink any further down the socio-cultural scale than having the inhabitants of Western Australia sneer at you? Or am I just begging to be bombarded with Strine flames here?

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*----*----*-It's alright to be politically incorrect about---
--*----*---*---Australians isn't it? I mean, nobody minds, right?--

From: Edward Cherlin (cherlin.cauce.org)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #941
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/25

Richard Wilson wrote:
> wardjw.pigeon.qut.edu.au "John Ward" writes:
> > The superior may always feel at liberty to create humor at the expense of the inferior.
> > Queenslanders make jokes about NSW
> > NSW makes jokes about Victoria
> > Victoria make jokes (not particulary good ones) about WA
> > WA make jokes about the Northern Territory
> > The NT make (lame) jokes about Tasmania
> > Tasmanians tell jokes about Americans
> I am going to have to modify my geographical "The People Next Door Are Irish" theory. I have always assumed that countries told the same "dumb" jokes about a neighbouring country with a traditionally weaker economy. Thus the English and the Irish, the Dutch and the Belgians, most southeast Asian countries and the Papuans (if "Pacific Islands Monthly" is anything to go by), the French and, well, other French mainly. I once asked a Slovenian lady if she made Serb or Croat jokes and she denied it but looked very shifty. A Malaysian acquaintance suspects Singaporeans make jokes about them.
> I now see the situation is much more complex. Perhaps similar hierarchical situations pertain in Scandinavia and the West Indies? Can anyone confirm if the Americans are at the bottom of those pecking orders too?

A Russian tells me that Armenian radio jokes are popular right now.

"Armenian radio was asked how to deal with impotence. Their answer: Put iron filings in your underwear and hang a magnet from your belt."

I have done a routine based on a similar theory about neighboring countries (the line breaks roughly indicate timing):

The English tell Frog jokes, and the French tell Belgian jokes.
The Belgians tell jokes on the Dutch,
and the Dutch tell jokes on the Germans.
The Germans tell Polish jokes. The Poles tell Russian jokes.
The Russians tell Armenian jokes, the Armenians tell Turkish jokes, the Turks tell Arab jokes,
and to the Arabs
the Jews are no laughing matter.

But the Jews joke about themselves.

This one originated in Poland:
When you tell a joke to a peasant, he laughs three times:
The first time when you tell him the joke,
the second time when you explain it,
and the third time when he finally gets it.

A landowner laughs twice, once when you tell him the joke
and again when you explain it,
but he isn't going to get it.

An army officer only laughs once,
when you tell him the joke,
because you can't explain anything to an army officer,
and as for getting it, forget it.

Now a Jew
doesn't laugh at all.
(pause here while blood pressures rise--take a drink, slip off the chair, whatever)

He says, "Oh, come on. That's an *old* one,"
and he
can tell it better.

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Pogo (was Re: Heeelllllloooooooooooo!!!!!!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1997/09/29

<zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com> wrote:
> kirsten.spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
> >You live in Atlanta, right? How come that's legal there but oral sex still isn't?

Kirsten, how is it that you know so much about oral sex laws around the country? As I recall, you're not studying law....

> Jeez, is THAT all that's keeping you away? It isn't enforced, believe me.

Yeah, sure. Tell that to those mall security guards who gave me so much trouble.

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