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1998 04 a.

From: Daniel Parker (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: My first one - what do you think?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

John M. Greer wrote:
>Easy here at Auburn -- we *do* have a printer called "dmparker." It's in Parker Hall. And it's slow, which is almost, but not completely, unlike this thread.

Cool, I've been immortalized by a piece of hardware. Some people get streets named after them, I get old crappy hardware.

Cool, again.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
I got a temporary employment agency. What's that mean?
.
From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Well, *I've* got an international tennis tournament, so nyer.
.
From: Timothy W. Chew (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
I've got the first step in food digestion.
.
From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
I'm sorry, but your name doesn't look anything like "cook" or "prepare" to me.
.
From: Samantha Wilkinson (sammie.world.std.com)
Swords. I win. Unless there's a Kalishnikov somewhere in the group.
.
From: mark.orton.pulse.com (mark.orton.pulse.com)
I think Scott Panzer's got you beat.
.
From: Juan Meg O'Tonthermonucleardevice (j.m.o.tonthermonucleardevice.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk)
Make my day... :-)

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: My first one - what do you think?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

CDInchausté wrote:
> I'm willing to bet Kirsten would be the most enjoyable to eat, regardless of the condiments available.

Except the latex tastes icky. I never use those things any more because they refused to honor the guarantee [*].

Ian.

[*] I tried to stuff the baby back in to the vending machine for a refund and they wouldn't give me one. It's like those fascists at the blood bank and the sperm bank all over again: I had no idea the annual interest rate was so low.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Ian Davis: the only person on the planet who wants to be a spermillionaire.
<rimshot>

Or at the very least a bloody billionaire.
<ker-thunk>


From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Pinky & The Brain (tellme trouble)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/03

shipbrk.gate.net (Jeff Lee) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming) wrote:
>> I've had one today, asking how to get into the Millenium Digest. I pointed out that Digest #1187, posted on Jan 3, 2000, was written by hard-partying incarnations and selected by hung-over priests. How hard could it be?
>> I actually spent 5 minutes working out a likely number for the first digest in 2000.
>Cool. So what would be the number of the first digest in the 21st century?

WARNING: This is an obvious attempt to start a flame war. Jeff Lee is trying to start up the argument over whether the 21st century begins on 1/1/2000 or 1/1/2001. This argument has been done to death in many newsfroups, but not, to my knowledge, in this one. Therefor, I guess it really needs to be discussed here, come to think of it.

Okay, so let's have a fair fight, no hitting below the belt, and please let's not allow the discussion to degenerate into a bunch of silly name-calling. Oh, all right, call each other names if you want, but no neener-neenering.


From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Pinky & The Brain (tellme trouble)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/06

Richard Wilson <Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
: What? You mean we don't date things in Anno Oraculi here? What kind of a half-arsed sect is rhodism, anyway?

If we only knew when the Oracle was born....


From: Kirsten Chevalier (MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Re: Pinky & The Brain (tellme trouble)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/13

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
: ',.pyfgcrl/=
: aoeuidhtns-
: ;qjkxbmwvz

Dvorak users of the world flgkd!

By the way, does anyone know of any ergonomic Dvorak keyboards? I rearranged the keys on my standard keyboard, but that somehow screwed up the number keys in bizarre ways, so I'd rather not do that again with a new keyboard.


From: LucFrench (lucfrench.aol.com)
Subject: Re: A born again rhod wit! (and now a very shaken one)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/04

>; >I'll see that and raise you a Belgium.
>; Ugh! How can you even *say* that word in public? PERVERT!
>I'm trying to win an award for the most gratuitous use of the word Belgium in a Usenet thread.

Actually, that award would go to Quenton Terrintino directs "The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy".

(From memory:)

Zaphod: Hey, Marvin, you know what they do with Herion in Belgium?

Marvin: No, what?

Zaphod: They put it on bricks and play catch.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/03

lee1089.kettering.edu spake thusly:
> tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
>> firewind <firewind.metroid.dyn.ml.org> wrote:
>> > Cat. His full name is Stimpson J. Cat.
>> Like Rocky and Bullwinkle.
>> Rocket J. Squirrel
>> Bullwinkle J. Moose
>> Michael J. Fox
> Homer and Bartholomew J. Simpson

I can't stand this anymore! I just can't stand it! Aaarrrhhh! The j's! The horrible j's! Oh, woe is this planet that is invaded by j's of no meaning. Woe, woe to us all...


From: Ostinato (ostinato.euronet.nl)
OK. You're gonna get it. Right now. Brace yourself. Ready?
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Lars J. Clausen


WOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Oh my Ghod! (That'd be The Internet Oracle, of course. No doubt. Not at all. Nope. Haha. Sure as hell. Quite. Hehe. He. He...) I've turned into ... a cartoon character! And I still don't know what the 'J' means! What a horrible, *horrible* fate.

-Lars J. Clausen


From: Jeremiah W. James (jerry.cs.ucsb.edu)
Uh ... what've you got against the letter 'J'?

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
It's following me around! It's reading my mail! It's cooperating with my so-called 'friends' to find out *all* about me! And I'm not paranoid, 'cause all of this is true, I tell you. That can be one mean letter if you anger it.

-Lars 'Ust Say No!' Clausen

From: DMP (dmp.munge.com)
You know Lars, we've been discussing your growing paranoia....

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
See? SEE? I knew it, you're all talking about me, discussing me, *planning* against me! It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a world-wide conspiracy.

Did you ever get the feeling that the whole world was conspiring to hide *something* from you, and that they have no other reason to exist? No? Well, it doesn't matter what you answer, you're part of the conspiracy anyways.

-Lars "Don't tell them" Clausen

From: tracie klosterman (tck.unlinfo.unl.edu)
Yo, Lars, switch to decaf, man.

Here, let me pour you a cup. There now. Drink it all down. Feeling more relaxed? A little sleepy? Feel the calmness wash over you. Relax, we're only here to help you. This won't hurt a bit.

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Yeah... Hey! I bet you putsomethinnnnnnnintotha t deecaafokyu7h ZZZZZZZZZZ

From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
No we're not. We're your frejnds. Come, Lars, sjt down. There's no conspjracy agajnst you. That's rjght.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com spake thusly:
> Lars Raeder Clausen <larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr> wrote:
>> See? SEE? I knew it, you're all talking about me, discussing me, *planning* against me! It's a conspiracy, I tell you, a world-wide conspiracy.
>> Did you ever get the feeling that the whole world was conspiring to hide *something* from you, and that they have no *BANG*reason to exist? No? Well, it doesn't matter what you answer, you're part of the conspiracy anyw*BANG*
> No we're not. We'r*BANG* frejnds. Co*BANG*rs, sjt down. Th*BANG*no conspjra*BANG*jnst you. That's rjght.

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Click click click click.

Damn, I can't even shoot straight. I bet They conditioned me that way. And even my signature has turned against me! Oh, the shame of it all.


From: Maxim Westman (matanywira.starplace.commander)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/06

Aaron D. Ball wrote:
> Atitude check!

Fifty thousand feet... and falling.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

Malcolm Pack wrote:
> Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> > > "I think you'll find that's Richard O'Brien..."
> > O, Really?
> <reminisce>Sointly was, the Man hisself. As the curtain fell he got as big an ovation as the outgoing cast. What a night!</reminisce>

Sheesh, I've got to be my own straight man. The correct response was, "No, O'Brien."

Ian.
I keep pitchin' 'em, you keep missin' 'em. You're built too low, son.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Stupid Question: Priest Initiation?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/05

Kirsten Chevalier spake thusly:
> Robin Harrison (rahar8.student.monash.edu.au) wrote:
> : You should embrace the future of the 'Net. Priests with AOL, Juno, cyberpromo, and shadow.gov addresses will soon be taking over the priesthood.
> If that's the case, then just shoot me now, please. kirsten

*BANG* Darn, an AOL'er got in the way. They're just everywhere, you know. Too bad. Now we'll have to clean the floor again.

-Lars "!(AOLer instanceof Human)" Clausen


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

gordoll.pobox.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
> Could someone explain the concept of "grits" to me?

Grits are little grains of sand which are boiled until they are soft. You then mix them in with your fried eggs and sausage patties, so the whole thing looks like something a sick cat spat up. While you eat this horrid looking mess, you must be amused at the horified looks you get from the other customers at the Waffle House. Try it.


From: Jeff Lee (shipbrk.gate.net)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com (Paul ) wrote:
> What you are referring to here is actually the making of hominy. After hominy is made and then dried, it can be coarsely ground to make hominy grits.

I don't know. Hominy grits does it make?


From: Jrbarberi (jrbarberi.aol.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/03

dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) writes:
>Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) said:
>: There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
>Optimist. *Everything* sucks. This was just covered in several concurrent threads on sci.chem. dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are waiting to incorporate all of sci. into rhod

Ah, so rhod sucks ?


From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/04

Aaron M. Ucko wrote:
; > And now I'll go fix myself a nice big bowl of Bear Mush.
; Is that made from *real* bears?

Are those cookies made from +real+ Girl Scouts?


From: John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/05

jkapllan.world.std... (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>; My conclusion: The Wellesley News has a really demented op-ed writer. The reason that there are no Waffle Houses in Massachusetts is that it's a civilized portion of the world. People in that part of the country know better than to eat in such a place. That's how you tell when you've reached civilization: no more Waffle Houses.
>But we have way to many McDonalds. Not far from where I live, there are two McYucks on opposite sides of the road.

That has to go on the list of signs of the end of civilization.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) said:
: serve: coffee and donuts. [...] None of which qualify as "food,"

So now we know the truth...Jeffrey is really one of *them*. Ya know... the ones who spring out of bed in the morning without needing to set an alarm, drink some decaf, and then zip into work 10 minutes early and are all like "good morning!" and whatnot. Just because you lead a hollow existence and eat junk-foods like proteins and whole-grain breads and other manner of low-cal salt-free low-fat reduced-flavor crap doesn't mean you have the right to carry on your disinformation campaign here.

We all know the basic food groups are donuts'n'pizza, chocolate, caffeine, alcohol, and free. It's your right as a whatever to follow any whacked-out diet you like, but do *not* frame your lame-ass nutritional heresy as fact.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies could really go for a free chocolate donut right about now


From: DMP (dmp.munge.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

Des Cann wrote:
>Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> writes
>>; Optimist. *Everything* sucks.
>>Not everything. Fans blow.
>That depends which side of them your standing.
>Wait a minute... aren't fans supposed to cheer ?


Haven't you ever heard of a cheer job?


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

Michael G. Thompson wrote:
> My wife was asked by a nutritionist she was seeing the other day what her favorite food was. She replied, with a straight face, "Fat, smeared with sugar and salt."

Reminds me of a so-called traditional Danish dish: Rye-bread smeared with fat, add salt (optionally with butter under the fat). Our canteen had a week serving 'traditional' Danish food. For some reason, the fat-content wasn't below 90 % for any of it. Big lumps of congealed fat floating around in molten fat...

-Lars "Yuck" Clausen


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

Carl Gustafson wrote:
> Let's just say that Hatfield, a large producer of Scrapple as well as other fine pork products, claims that they use every part of the pig but the squeal.

This might explain "curly fries" too.

Ian.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

"DMP^H^Hinner" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
>Maxim Westman wrote:
>>Speaking of a somewhat humorous way, where's yours? Would you like to join DMP^H^Hinner on the menu or something?
>The only reason for this post is to point out that I have now changed my name to DMP^H^Hinner

I read this as "Dumpcarat H. Carat-Hinner (with a hyphen)." Kinda mellifluous, if you ask me.


From: Ami (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: Dear friends
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/03

DMP wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> > DMP wrote:
> >; Anyway, if you know someone who needs a good SysAdmin, who has at good sense of humor (or at least can belabor the point). Please have them email me at:
> >Where are you? Telling you about a job in Outer Mongolia isn't going to help if you cannot commute from the Australian Outback.
> Well, I could move. I'm in Houston, but by no means am I committed to staying here...

I don't know of a specific opening, but just FYI, Atlanta's unemployment rate is under 5% right now, which actually means it's at zero, since you discount some percentage of slackers who don't want a job or something. (This made a lot of sense when they explained it on NPR.) Apparently, if you speak a rough approximation of English, can dress yourself, and count to ten correctly 8 out of 10 times, you can get a job in Atlanta. You'd be amazed how many applicants DON'T meet the criteria.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: #000: OBVIOUSLY a joke
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/04

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au writes:
> > Tell us now our we'll ALL askme the woodchuck question!!!!
> On reflection...just how *do* you askme the woodchuck question?

How much wood, Ian, would a...

Oh Christ, that was *so* obvious I'm ashamed of myself now. Just go back to your Benny Hill reruns, Davis.


From: davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Why Digest 1000 is a fake
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming) wrote:
> Dave (Just call me ENIGMA)

OK. You're a nigma.

Ian.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Why Digest 1000 is a fake
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/04

davidmac.acronym.com.au "David McAuliffe" writes:
> >It's made the years of sifting the gems from the crap worth it to see everyone getting so worked up over it. : )
> Hey, Otis... Then where are the gems? Can we see them too, or are they for the personal and private use of Orrie and His Merry Band of Priests?

Ah, you've stumbled on an igma known to us elder incarnations for many years: the Secret List Where the Priests Put All the Really Truly Funny Answers <tm>. To get a glimpse of this, you need to do a member of the priesthood, um, certain, er, personal favours. It's indelicate to go into it any further, suffice to say I'm relieved Ian now lives on the other side of the world.

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*---Notice how Tom "Tom" never talks to Otis anymore either--


From: Dr. Noe (drnoe.cts.com)
Which is exactly why we added Ross Clement to our ranks this year. You can expect a visit from him in the near future.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Why Digest 1000 is a fake
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

cierhart.ic.net (Otis Viles) wrote:
>jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>>Ah. What happens if a point for an oracularly gets more than 61 votes?
>I don't think that has ever been an issue ... however, if it is I think Steve has some neat math formulas he uses to reduce the overall vote count in each category so that the average comes out to the same one the Oracularity would have had with all of it's votes. But I could be wrong.

You could be right about your possibly being wrong. If an oracularity gets over 61 votes, it gets an asterisk (*), which means that it got over 61 votes. Since part of the report shows how many votes were cast, it is simple subtraction to determine the number of votes the asterisk stands for. This happens at least sometimes, not always, but nonetheless not never. AFAIK there hasn't been a case where there were two asterisks for a particular Oracularity, although I^HOtis could be wrong again on that one.

Personally, I must commend Steve for coming up with a method of reporting scores on Oracularities that saves such a tremendous amount of bandwidth. It is elegant, simple, obscure, and insufficiently documented, like any true masterpiece of computer programming.


From: Daniel Parker (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Imaginary Friends
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

My wife just said I would have to stop conversing with my 'imaginary friends' now and put on my clothes.

Y'all aren't imaginary are you? Say it isn't so...


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Birthday Gifts
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

I may be going out on limb here, but I mentioned in a previous post that my birthday is only a few days away.

I want to give you all some tips on how to shop for me since I'm sure you will all be trying to out do one another with the quality of gift you buy me.

First off let me say, expensive gifts are not automaitcally my favorite, but if given two similiar items, I always prefer the more expensive one. If given two identical items I always prefer the one bought at the more expensive store.

Now for some particulars.

I look good in green.
I'm not overly partial to chocolate, but Godiva chocolate is always good.
I do *NOT* like hats.
I like firearms, especially ones that are pre-ban (for those of you outside the U.S. that's easily put as 'assault weapons').
I like electronics, but it has to be *really* expensive to wow me.
I like lemurs, but I don't have the chandelier for a live one.
I am an avid reader and the book recently mentioned in the group, "The Adolescence of P4" sounds very interesting.
I need a new car, I'd like one of the new VW Bugs, not because I'm into 'cute' but because I hear that they're hot-rods.
I love Willie Nelson music, but you'd better check first because I already have several of his albums.
I hate all things to do with 'self-improvement' if you think I need to improve, you need to keep your stinky gift.
Travel is always nice to get, whether it is to some place pedestrian like New Braunfels or somewhere fun like Monte Carlo.
I do have several body piercings and I need some new jewelry to gauge up some of them. Namely I need a 2 or 4-gauge ring with a *very* small diameter to go into my guiche.
Of course cash is always a appropriate gift, the color is right, but the size is always too small.

I hope this list helps, and remember to send me the receipt with the gift so that if there are duplicates I can determine who paid more and I can return the others.

Happy shopping.


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Damn, I packed your gift with Geoff's kewpie doll. Geoff, could you forward the kelly green seersucker double-breasted suit to:

DMP
Killing a cow prior to barbequeing it somewhere in Texas.

Thanks


From: Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4.osu.edu)
DMP wrote:
> I like firearms
> I like lemurs
> I am an avid reader
> I need a new car
> I love Willie Nelson music
> I hate all things to do with 'self-improvement'
> I have several body piercings

Ladies!!! How could you possibly pass this guy up!!!! He's a real find, let me tell you... any takers?

Mark
Oracle Priest by day, DMP's agent by night
You can mail your gifts to DMP, c/o his parents' house, second room on the left, the one with the bunkbeds and "Toy Story" motif


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Gawd, it's not a "Toy Story" motif. I'm pretty old now, it's an "E.T." motif. Why on earth would a 33 year old man have a "Toy Story" motif.

(of course I did date a girl like that once)


From: Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Subject: Re: Spamming from RHOD?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

Paul wrote:
> cierhart.ic.net (Otis Viles) wrote:
> >Quentin s9712509.tiger.vut.edu.au wrote:
> >>Interestingly these are both advertising very similar things, I take it Beanie thingies are an American fad?
> >"Beanie Babies" are mostly a Midwestern America thing, unless the damn things are spreading into the rest of the country. They're cute enough, I suppose, being bean bag animals but the manufacturer is carefully controlling the numbers created of certain items, thereby creating a collector's market and making them quite unreasonably priced.
> Oh yeah, we got Beanie Babies here in the Southeast. There's a bigtime knock-off trade going on, too. Fortunately, my child is only six, so she isn't quite as picky about getting the genuine article as some of the older kids. A real beanie will set you back six or seven bucks.My wife, who is a high-school teacher, says they're big with the teen set, and they trade them back and forth, kinda like baseball cards.
> --
> Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.

...thread intentionally left intact...

Paul, for a C-note, I'll part with my bright red Siamese fighting fish Beanie Baby, which is, bean for bean, the fiercest Beanie in America

Mark
Oracle Priest... no way am I parting with my Beanie Zadoc and Beanie Kendai. They're a set.


From: Mark Lawrence (lawrence.4.osu.edu)
Subject: Re: Spamming from RHOD?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

~Steve-o wrote:
> Did you see the follow-ups? They're called "Socky Babies," their made of terry-cloth.

Consider yourselves lucky. I came this close to releasing "Peenie Babies" to the open market. This close..... ><

Mark
Doing time in a jail near you


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: I can't believe I almost died dumb
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

George (smooth.aloha.net) writes:
> I always bypassed this great ng, presuming it's some light-hearted Oracle database user support group on German Boy, all the great stuff I missed! How does one rewind life back?

I dunno...but you know you've spent WAY too much timeon the computer when you miss something someone says and you reach for the scrollbar...only to realize you're not on the computer...and then you wish you were.

Reality coms in far too many formats these days.

From: Tim Coleman (trwcolem.undergrad.math.uwaterloo.ca)
Or when you're reading a book and you want to do a grep for what you're looking for...

From: HazChem (harrisws.REMOVETHISTOREPLYcarleton.edu)
Or when you've misplaced your keys and reach for the "Find file" command.
I've actually done that.

From: CDInchausté (inchaust.students.uiuc.edu)
Or when you're sorting bills and you want to do an "ls -l"...

From: Louis Patterson (lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU)
Or a fly lands on your monitor and you try to brush it away with the mouse pointer...


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Truth, Justice and the Merkin Way {was Re: Babel Fish chaos... (WARNING! Large post!)}
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/10

Also Sprach <lee1089.kettering.edu>:
> The total lack of knowledge of your national anthem staggers me. Most Merkins do know the words to the Star Spangled Banner. (Just the first verse though as the others are somewhat slightly possibly anti-British.)

That's because we are not required to know it off by heart in order to leave school and apply for a passport. This curious indoctrination which Merkins seem to be required to go through juxtaposes oddly with oft-touted concepts of personal freedom.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Rather like the case of my daughter who, like me, happens to be Australian, and was compelled to say the Oath of Allegiance in school every day while we lived there.

Ian.


From: Lloyd Bogart (bogart.uwlax.edu)
Subject: Re: After the 24 Hours
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
> I mailed a (darn good, IMHO) Oracular answer 24 hours and 2 minutes after the question was sent out. What will happen?
> TIA,
> Daniel, whose brSff are worried sick

Wait! I know! I know!

In a freak warpage of the space-time continuum, your answer (but not the question) will re-materialize as a paper copy of itself, 50 years (give or take) in our past. It will be found in a pumpkin, in the patch of one Alger Hiss, along with certain other temporally-misplaced documents. Everyone will be convinced it's part of a terrible international conspiracy.

The rest is history, and you are personally to blame for the whole Nixon thing. NOW will you set your alarm?

Lloyd (who obviously requires self-control lessons) Bogart


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Disgusting foods
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

Lionel Lauer wrote:
> Interesting choice of brand name, as tengus are creatures from Japanese mythology which seem remarkably appropriate to find paired with disgusting food items.

Mmm....intrinsic teleport....

From: Lionel Lauer
Been playing Nethack, have we?

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
You ask the peaceful priest a silly question - <more>


From: Jeff Lee (shipbrk.gate.net)
Subject: Re: Digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/01

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
> Wait a minute... What the hell is today?

It's a noun, isn't it? Means something like "The day between yesterday and tomorrow", IIRC.


From: Dr. Noe (drnoe.cts.com)
Subject: Re: digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/02

<tc36212.glaxowellcome.com>
>If those were real Oracular responses, It has put me off applying for priesthood for a long, long time.

Both queries and responses were created by the Priesthood. However, we used themes from actual Oracular submissions as models. For every 100 submissions I review, about 2 are good enough to be selected for a digest, maybe 8 are decent but not quite up to digest quality, 40 are mediocre but not bad, 40 are truly poor, 8 are as bad as the ones in digest 000, and 2 are WORSE! We Priests tried to write them as badly as we could, but there was only so much we could do to divorce ourselves from our superhuman senses of humor. For those of you who have wondered what digests would be like without Priests, if every submission were included, digest 000 ought to be a guide.

On the other hand, take a look at digest 1000. Then I will smile my slickest Mr. Morden smile and ask, "What do you want?"


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/03

Dr. "He's a wobber!" Noe wrote:
> Both queries and responses were created by the Priesthood.

The highest compliment, though came in this form (name changed to protect the embarrassed):

Sent 1Apr98 from xxxxxxxxxxx.juno.com to kinzler.cs.indiana.edu
+---------- What's going on over there?!? ----------
| Digest 1000 was a *disaster*! It *sucked*! *Reeked*! [snip]
| really stunk. I couldn't have done worse if I tried.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thank you. That was the whole point. To write questions and answers that are funny is relatively easy. To write them so bad that they are funny is not too difficult. To write them so bad that they are not even funny even with the most generous outlook is extremely difficult, as we found. As a result, my respect for the general Oracle readership has increased enormously: you people seem to be able to do this effortlessly! 8^}

Ian.

From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
I feel vaguely insulted.


From: Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA) writes:
> Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) writes:
>>>>>> Well, you think that's bad, but have you any idea how long it's been since I got Lichtenstein?
>>>>>Try bringing her some flowers, maybe cooking dinner for a change.
>>>> Tried it. Nothing works. You see, we're already married, so...
>>>Maybe if you were a little more attentive around her Libya...?
>> Sometimes I just can't get anywhere near that country.
> She sounds rather Chile in Tibet.
> Maybe you need less Russian hands and more Roman tongue.

Can't get into Libya, eh? Heavily guarded borders?

Hmmm... first, Jamaica lie back and relax... Then go between her Tunisia. Then, once you meet up with the border guard, Ukraine your neck up and ask her, "Honey, can I Serbia?" How can she say no? Then Yugoslavia to your heart's content... Libya City! (Don't Tripoli though! And don't be stingy with the Tunguska...)

From there, Bangladesh is right around the corner... And on a clear day you can even see Leichtenstein!

Good Luxembourg! (Hope none of us are Peru-des...)

--Matt


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

m.pack.... (Malcolm Pack) wrote:
>Also Sprach Matt Kerbel:
>> Maybe if you were a little more attentive around her Libya...?
>Can I just say that this is the first time I've ever posted the word "clitoris"?

I'm not sure where that is. Is it some banana republic?


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Digest 000
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/10

Also Sprach Jason Willoughby:
> At the sound of the tone it will be:
> Thu Sep 1683 00:13:05 EDT 1993
> *BEEP*

Dammit! My watch is slow.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Brithday Gifts
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/12

Also Sprach Maxim Westman:
> |Upon further reflection, I think Dinner is going to have something of a metallic tang. Anybody know anything tasty we can do with this?
>Well, we don't have to eat *all* of him. I'm sure there's still *some* okay parts on him (aren't there?)

I'd have thought hanging by the guiche would be a handy way to allow him to acquire a "gamey" flavour. All those rings would be convenient for trussing as well.

It's a great improvement over my experiences with vegetarian cookery a few years back. Vegetarians were so *stringy* back then. DMP^H^Hinner is clearly offering himself up as convenience food.

Mmmmmmmm.....Long Pig......


From: DMP^H^Hinner (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Brithday Gifts
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/13

Ami wrote:
>DMP^H^Hinner wrote:
> The PA is the least painful of all male piercings,
>How in God's name did a penis piercing get named for Prince Albert? Is this something they didn't cover in my history classes?

There are two stories, both agree that Prince Albert had a piercing like the one I've described, why it had it is the question.

One story goes that Prince Albert was uncircumcised, and that the piercing kept the foreskin out of the way.

The other, much better story, says that he was *very* well endowed and he used the piercing to "tie off" his penis to his leg so that stiffies weren't a problem.

Who know for sure though...


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos... (WARNING! Large post!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/06

Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> Roger Strong wrote:
> > ~Steve-o wrote:
> > >Yep. Wasn't that the book that Johnny Mneumonic was based on? Or was that the one with Hiro Protagonist?
> > Nope. Johnny Mneumonic is from a collection of short stories by William Gibson called "Burning Chrome".
> No, Johnny Pneumonic was a minor character in Camus', "The Plague."

No, you're thinking of Johnny Pneumatic, which is the real name of the guy who most people know as "The Michelin Man".


From: David McAuliffe (davidmac.acronym.com.au)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos... (WARNING! Large post!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

Louis Patterson <lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU> wrote:
>I've been trying to get a babelfishised "advance australia fair" (the australian national anthem) for about a week now, but I have had either netscape or the server crash on me each time. Although I find it hard to think how this could make it any more meaningless.

Where did you get words from? Most of us can't get past

"Australians all let us rejoice
For we are young and thingy
With golden something and something else
Our home is girt by stuff"

From there is descends into some Passionate National Mumble slightly behind and almost but not quite exactly unlike whatever the band/record/didjeridoo player happens to play at the time, until we sort of work out we're near the end and can sing with joy, passion and enthusiasm "Advance Australia Fair!", and then wave our flags that looks almost identical to another country's...

They could be playing "Tubular Bells" for all we know.

Anyway, if you have read the lyrics, did you ever think that either the babelfish, Netscape or your server fell over out of boredom? Why not? We do!!!

When I was at Indiana University late last year worshiping at the Oracular Chamber, an Australian basketball team (the "Outback All Stars") came through so Bobby Knight could practice getting irritated for the upcoming season. I noticed two things. Firstly, after not hearing an Aussie accent for a few months, boy do they talk funny. It took me about 5 minutes to work out what the hell they were saying. I'd totally tuned out of it. (Mind you, it took me about a week to work out that the skwerls the locals were telling me about were what I thought were called squirrels.)

The other thing was that they played the US and Australian national anthems back to back. The comparison was that the US anthem was very stirring, very nationalistic. The Australian one... Everyone else went glassy-eyed, but I tried. All I could get out was

"Australians all let us rejoice
For we are young and thingy
With golden something and something else
Our home is girt by stuff.."

before I reverted to the mumble. But at least the mumble was *passionate*!!!

The game went well. The only time Bobby stopped abusing the officials was during the US anthem. Seriously.

(Thank you to all at IU SID (especially Debbie xxx and Greg) for the Press Pass to the game).

Now, where was I... What the heck *was* the name of Lady Penelope's Chauffeur? <scratch, scratch...>


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos... (WARNING! Large post!)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/09

Also Sprach Robin Harrison:
> Dja know the words to your anthem? Hmmm?

God save our gracious thing
Long live our noble mumble
God koff the ahem
Send la la la la la
Happy and somthingorother
Long dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
God save our whotsit.

I used to know the second verse as well...


From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: P-K4
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

Ben Fisher <ben_fisher.SPAMBUSTER.mail.intel.com> wrote:
>Ben
>who knows a straight line when it pokes him in the eye.

Is that a straight line you got there, or are you just glad to see me?


From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: many threads
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/08

cheryl wrote:
; voicing frustration. ask my friends. but seriously...how do people approach reading a newsgroup with so many threads that last forever??

I try to sneak up on it while it's sleeping so I'll have the element of surprise. If that fails, I try a feint to the SouthWest followed by a lateral attack from the North.


From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/07

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Carla Miriam Levy <clevy.spam.isnt.kosher.hussle.harvard.edu> wrote:
>>Sorry, I never got to read the babelisms, I was too busy wiping the Diet Pepsi off my screen. Super Mario Brothers Fanfic! *Now* I have seen everything.
>Heh heh, I was reminded of the Barbie fan fics that I've read, which can't be posted in an all-ages newsgroup. You'd be amazed at how many people have lascivious thoughs about a small piece of pink plastic.

As the father of a six-year-old American girl, I also happen to be the proprieter of a small plastic nudist colony.

Sometimes, you're just going on about your business, living your life, and without your having any control over it, things happen that make you seem like a total perv.


From: Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/11

"DMP^H^Hinner" (dmparker.usa.net) writes:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>>"Downtown Canada?" Is your country so lightly populated that you only have one downtown area for the entire country?
> Having never been to Canada (thus making me an expert) I have to say that this is true. If you do happen to want to go to Downtown Canada, go through the woods till you get to the moose, turn left. You can't miss it after that....

Geez, Dumpcarat, you're going to get everyone lost! They changed the highway exit months ago... you have to go *right* at the moose now.


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/13

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> ; It is a lightly populated country, though...population about 28-30 millionish. I think the population of California is bigger than that.
> I heard once that something like 90% of the Canadian population lives within 100 miles of the US/Canada border.

They're just massing for an invasion.


From: DMP^H^Hinner (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/13

Dr. Noe wrote in message <6gtmsh$n4a.king.cts.com>...
>nuthin'. That is why many Americans don't realize how big Canada is.

I thought it was because we're a bunch of egocentric bastards that just don't care.

It could also be that we're a bunch of irrational xenophobes who consider people in other countries to be not only less fortunate than ourselves, but less deserving.

It might be that we're a bunch of psychotic bigots who believe that people in other countries are genetically inferior to ourselves.

There is also a chance that we're a bunch of brain addled retards who are unaware that other countries even exist.

But I don't really know.


Oh yeah, it could also be that we're so geographically illiterate that we have about as much chance of winning the lottery as we do pointing to Canada on a map. Case in point, I didn't even know that Canada had a downtown until the other day....


From: lee1089.kettering.edu (lee1089.kettering.edu)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/13

G.B. Christianson wrote:
> DMP^H^Hinner <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
> >Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> >>I heard once that something like 90% of the Canadian population lives within 100 miles of the US/Canada border.
> >Yeah, and both of them hate Americans.
> You know, if you Merkins keep up this Canada bashing, we're going to ship more cold fronts down there. Eh. Bjorn --

Please, everyone knows that cold fronts come from the west. How a state as warm as California can create them is a mystery though.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>> I got all excited when I heard about the Soviet breakup because I though Canada would then be the biggest country.
>> Aren't the United States of Brazil larger anyway?
> The US isn't. AFAIK, Brazil isn't larger either. Canada's pretty huge...keep in mind there's also Baffin Island, and when you look at a map, it's often squished at the top to give a spherical perspective...but the land mass is larger.

Todays Top Ten List is:

The Top Ten Largest Countries On Earth

10: Kazakhstan with 2,717,300 km^2
9: Argentina with 2,780,400 km^2
8: India with 3,165,596 km^2
7: Australia with 7,682,300 km^2 (a large jump here)[4]
6: Brazil with 8,511,996 km^2
5: China with 9,572,800 km^2
4: USA with 9,809,155 km^2
3: Canada with 9,970,610 km^2 (truly a close race today)[5]
2: Russia with a w[h]opping 17,075,000 km^2[3]

And finally, The Largest Country On Earth:

1: The British Commonwealth[1], with about 1/4 of the land-area of the Earth, amassing to a truly amazing almost 40,000,000 km^2!

-Lars "I wanna buy Mars" Clausen

[1] It's a king[2]dom, isn't it? That sure makes it a country in my book.
[2] Queen
[3] We'll see if they can hold that large a country together for long.
[4] Five countries within 2 million km^2, but more than 4 million km^2 to the next. Strange.
[5] Notice also that they tend to be in Asia and America. Nothing really large in Africa or Europe[6].
[6] Well, ok, Russia could be counted as being in Europe, but it's land mass certainly isn't[7].
[7] Remember, folks, never get involved in a landwar in Asia.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

Ami (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com) writes:
>> As the father of a six-year-old American girl, I also happen to be the proprieter of a small plastic nudist colony.

This still cracks me up. :)

> What in the world are these little girls looking for when they strip-search every new doll? I can't believe they're looking for anatomical information--that's already been provided by every other child in my daughter's class at preschool, none of whom knows how to close a bathroom door.

As a former little girl and barbie owner, I can tell you that the reason I took the clothes off was to put them back on. Dressing the doll was part of the fun.

Mind you, I was a rather atypical little girl...I built homes for my barbies with Lego and used my brother's big GI Joe kite-flying, barbie-doll sized action dude as "the boyfriend," and sometimes the destroyer of the lego homes. Destruction is cool...and evidently not limited to testosterone. >:)

I would also construct elaborate tableaus of the barbie dolls all posed in some sort of scene, and then get royally miffed if anyone dared to touch one of them or move them in any way...which then, of course, became my little brother's goal in life.

In the rules of sibling life, whatever your sibling REALLY doesn't want you to do, should become your immediate priority to do.

For the record, GI Joe was not anatomically correct either. A friend and I once compared the lump sizes betwen Joe and Ken. Joe was much bigger but he had this underwear sort of moulded on, so that might have accounted for the difference. Or perhaps he had socks in there.


From: Michael G. Thompson (miket42.shell.clark.net)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
: Say, she's right. I shouldn't worry, there's no evil canadian invasion force... besides, if they do invade, they have several states to go through, before they hit North Carolina.

Let's see, those would be the states of Confusion, Depression, and Bewilderment, right? :-)>


From: DMP^H^Hinner (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

Kimberly Chapman wrote in message <6h021b$3a4.freenet-news.carleton.ca>...
>Dr. Noe (drnoe.cts.com) writes:
>> If you cut out Canada's two (soon to be three) territories, which are largely unpopulated and useless parcels of real estate, and consider
>Useless for human living, but quite rich in natural resources and beautiful, well-preserved landscapes fit for thousands of animals and other species.

Are those natural resources we can exploit? Through something like strip-mining? And if those species were really useful wouldn't we have turned them into something useful like clothing or food, or something? Gosh, no wonder Canada is a third world country, you people don't trash and burn the beautiful things you have.

By the way, if Canada is really this sparsely populated we really should consider using the northern most parts as nuclear waste dumping ground. I mean since almost no one ever goes there then no one would notice, would they?

And if you're one of those tree-huggers who shuns nuclear waste just because it stays potentially devestating for millions of years, we could use the space for other toxic waste (like the kinds they are currently trying to locate on the Texas Gulf-Coast, in a space that is only a few feet above sea level and has one side open to the Gulf, where hurricanes commonly bring on surge tides of 20 feet or more--smart idea huh?)

Hey look, I grew up eating fish out of Clear Creek, which was later closed due to contaminants leaking in from a super-fund site (the Brio site, it is known as one of the worst on the super-fund list). There is nothing wrong with ingesting extremely high quantities of heavy metals, PCB's, and other unknown compounds--I'm proof! (er, um, that argument didn't seem to go as well as I had hoped...)

>I like our whole lotta nuthin...our little pollution, our little popluation, our little crime, etc etc etc...

You know, pointing out someone else's faults is not enhancing your own. You should concentrate your arguments on what you *do* have, not what you don't have or what your adversaries do have.


From: John Pearlman (pearlman.ll.mit.edu)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> The name is actually in some Native language, meaning village, I think.

A Portugese friend always insisted that the name was given by early Portugese explorers. The term "ca nada" means "nothing here" in Portugese.


From: David McAuliffe (davidmac.acronym.com.au)
Subject: Re: Babel Fish chaos...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/14

longword.newsguy.com (Lionel Lauer) wrote:
>davidmac.acronym.com.au (David McAuliffe) said:
>>Another mildly interesting yet useless fact. Australia is slightly smaller than the mainland US.
>I was under the impression that Australia's actual land mass was a tad larger than that of mainland North America? (I could easily be wrong on this one.)

Listed in another message... We lose that one, Lionel. But we have a better *quality* landmass.



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