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1998 08 a.

From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/09

m.pack.... "Malcolm Pack" writes:
> > to Inspector Morse's memorable "Venditos gonum versum sox." But then I'd have to explain it every time.
> How about a one-off edition, with a one-off explanation to save my having to dig out my Collin's Pocket Gem Latin Dictionary[0]?

It wouldn't help much, Malc. Said out loud, pronouncing the Vs as Ws, it should sound like "When the toes go numb, wear some socks."

Since posting which, I saw a repeat of the Morse I thought that was from, but his version was "Venditosa viri restabit" so god knows where mine came from.


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Chocolate (was Re: Smoking (was Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was))
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/03

tchew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> [sleep] [zzzzz] I gained ten pounds, and two inches, so I had to stop consuming them. I didn't want to have to buy new pants.

You can gain inches by eating chocolate? DMP! Your secret's out!

Nils "can't talk now. Eating chocolate" Desle


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/01

Also Sprach DMP:
> I wasn't offended. I know better. You people love me...<Grin>

The words "security", "false" and "lull" spring to mind...


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/01

Also Sprach Jeffrey Kaplan:
> If Reagan can call ketchup a vegetable,

A case of pots and kettles, methinks.


From: William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} (wje.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: New Thread
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/08

<lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
:I've noticed that quite a few rhodites are familiar with afu. Head count anyone?

I have precisely one.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder who stole Willy's willy


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Smoking/Non-smoking Nazi Threads
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/01

Jerry James wrote:
> While going "clang" in the night, "DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote
> > Let us please stop discussing the whole smoking/non-smoking thing. Nobody involved has said anything funny about the topic, so please stop. OK? Please. If not, please go sit in the smoking/anti-smoking discussion section so those of us who don't want to be bothered with it won't have to. PLEASE?
> Oh sure, that's how it starts. First you discriminate against the serious people. Nobody likes them anyway, right? Then, the next thing you know, you've got violence in the streets, mimes running around unchecked, and a McDonald's on every corner. Well, buddy, you don't fool me! I'm not falling for it! Serious people of the world ... untie!

You're overstating the case, Jerry - mimes will never run around unchecked as long as we have enough glass boxes to trap the creepy bastards.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Okay you guys...pop quiz...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/07

Jason Willoughby (jwilloug.seminole.gate.net) said:
: The nasty thing about this is that most mailers read the attachment file name immediately upon download, so you don't have to actually open the message to trigger it.

Ahh...the joys of procmail. Well, procmail, plus the fact that I use a mail reader, not a hacked up piece of crap wub browser. But I digress.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies save all MIME attachments to /dev/glassbox


From: Allison Tait (atait.uoguelph.ca)
Subject: Re: Fake blood
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/05

: >> > Is ketchup an appropriate substitute for blood???

<de-lurk>

no, it is not. as a regular donor to the red cross, i can tell you for sure that, despite the many blood scandals in this country[0], they have never used ketchup as a blood substitute.

not even over the july 1st long weekend, when they ran out[1].

allison <re-cloaking>

[0] canada [2]
[1] of blood, not ketchup.
[2] eh? eh!


From: timchew.my-dejanews.com (timchew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Removing fingers (was Re: Smoking (was Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was)))
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/10

I tried to cut my thumb off with an axe when I was fourteen. I still have a really neat scar where I stitched it back together.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: McD's (was: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/08

Also Sprach Nils Desle:
> You poor naive savage. I shall pray to Tater, the allmighty Potato God, and ask him to make you see the Light, for you dwell in the evil darkness of McD's hellish wastes!

So, Mr and Mrs Maris Piper, the loveliest potato couple you could ever meet, had three daughters. These daughters were the most beautiful and genteel potatoes you had ever seen.

One day the eldest came home and said "Mummy! Daddy! I'm engaged to be married"

"To whom?" asked Mrs Piper.

"To a King Edward!" exclaimed the daughter.

"How refined and delightful," opined Mr Piper, and there were mighty celebrations.

Soon the middle daughter came home and said "Mummy! Daddy! I'm engaged to be married"

"To whom?" asked Mrs Piper.

"To one of the Jersey Royals!" exclaimed the daughter.

"More nobility in the family. I could get used to this," mused Mr Piper, and there were mighty celebrations.

Finally the youngest daughter came home and said "Mummy! Daddy! I'm engaged to be married"

"To whom?" asked Mrs Piper.

"To Richie Benaud!" exclaimed the daughter.

"Ugh!" exclaimed Mr Piper. "A Common tater!"


From: John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com)
Subject: Re: McD's (was: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/10

<lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
>John wrote:
>> aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) muttered:
>> >I'm proud and independent enough to admit that I enjoy, once in awhile, a Big Mac and fries.
>> Fries? McD's fries are great. I actually go there for a shake and fries once in a while, when I feel the need to further clog my arteries.
>> The Big Mac is another matter. I suspect liking those is indicative of deep-seated psychological trauma.
>And yet another joins my little band, Nils.

This is what I like about rhodism. We start holy wars over the things that really matter.

Oregano, anyone?

From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Oregano on McD's fries? You people are beyond saving. You are not welcome in Tater Heaven.
Nils "Avaunt![1]" Desle
[1] Yes, yes! A Gratuitous Pratchett reference! Cross-threading, anyone?

From: lee1089.kettering.edu (lee1089.kettering.edu)
That's okay, I never cared much for Holland anyway. >; )

From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Tater Heaven? Holland? Aaaaarrg! <thud> [worried cow-orkers run into my cubicle and see me lying unconcious on the floor. 911 is called, ambulance arrives and takes me away]
Nils "hope you're proud of yourself" Desle

From: Malcolm Pack
<icy> Sure, if it's with pasta... </icy>


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk)
Subject: Re: What does this have to do with us?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/12

Paul Kelly can witness that Jeff Zeitlin on Wed, 12 Aug 1998 wrote:
> For various obscure reasons, I was looking through a book that describes plants of various types. One of the plants it describes is a "rhododendron".
> What do large leafy plants have to do with this froup?

Rhododendron \Rho`do*den"dron\, n. [E. "rhod-o-dendron", literally 'a Rhod from Dendron', VA; {rhod} rec.humor.oracle.d + of + {Dendron}] (Bot.) A genus of shrubs or small trees, often having handsome evergreen leaves, and remarkable for the beauty of their flowers; also, a denizen of rhod with access to beautiful breasts (origins of this meaning unknown).

-Lars "But I didn't find gullible" Clausen


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: More Tuna Free Dolphin Meat
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
>David Stewart Osborne <davidoz.hyper.net.au> writes:
> >Mastubation its own reward?
>Mass tubation? sounds like a rough day in the ER.

That's what happens when members of the Unification Church [0] decide that they've had enough kids. A few years after the mass wedding at Madison Square Garden, they all return and get their tubes tied in one massive ceremony. Most have never met their doctors beforehand.

What I want to know is, do these people have square dances? It'd seem the ideal activity for that many people gathered in one place.


[0] That's "Moonies" to most.


From: timchew.my-dejanews.com (timchew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: There goes that theory (Re: Bye)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com wrote:
> Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.

Damn, you're back. I was -this- close to proving that you fell victem to the same foul play that befell Alex's fish. We already have one witness who claims that DMP was on the grassy knoll, AND Dan Glick and Daniel Macks BOTH started putting brSff references in their .sigs. Coincidence? I don't think so. Three Daniels, countless acts of perversion. Think about it. I, personally, believe that Kimberly got too close to THE TRUTH, so she had to be eliminated.

Or have I been watching too much X-files? [1]

[1] Having only seen half of one episode, I'd say, yes.


From: timchew.my-dejanews.com (timchew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Neadertals(was Re: Exploded Whale Washed Up Dutch Coast)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/12

Lars Raeder Clausen <elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk> wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> > Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu) writes:
> >>>ITYM "...the Juno Incarnation was a Neanderthal"
> >> Corran (who would not want to insult people with big spiky clubs and small brains)
> > IIRC, Neanderthals actually had significantly larger craniums than we do. They are generally believed to have been quite intelligent and exceptionally gentle...and some theories hold that they were killed off because of that.
> Man-Kzin Wars II have a story (Briar Patch) which involves empathic neanderthals, and explains that that was the reason they died out... didn't know it was based on a serious theory.

I do have to jump in here. One of the most likely-sounding theories which
came out was the Neandertals' bodies were adapted to migration, and when the
weather started getting warmer, and settling became more possible, that's
what the Cro-magnon started to do. So, along comes this Neandertal tribe to
one of its normal camps, and loe and behold, there's this Cro-magnon tribe in
the area. I would imagine the exchange would go something like this(if they
both spoke the same language):

N: Hey man, that's our spot.

C: No, it's not. We were here first.

N: Were not, we were here two seasons ago.

C: Were so, you left.

N: Were not. You gotta leave.

C: Oh yeah?

N: Yeah.

C: Oh yeah? Well, make me.

And then war would break out between the Neandertals and the entrenched
Cro-magnons.


From: neanderthal_og.hotmail.com (neanderthal_og.hotmail.com)
Subject: Neadertals(was Re: Exploded Whale Washed Up Dutch Coast)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

Og here. Og see Tim Chew make theory why Ne-an-der-thal die out. Tim get all wrong! Og show what hap-pen real life.

Og here. Og come back hunt. Og find much food Ogwa, Oglings.

Ogwa here. Ogwa much proud. Ogwa love Og.

Og love Ogwa. Og think, Ogwa not cook now. Og *want* Ogwa.

Ogwa *want* Og. Ogwa take off.....

Og much excite!!!

Excuse me, We've just moved in next door and decided to come around to say hello. We're new, just out from Africa. I'm Ur-lar, and this is my wife, Ay-la.

Hello, pleased to meet you.

Og much shock. Og ask what that?

This, it's my chin.

Ogwa ask why thin tall?

That's just the way we are. Oh well, be seeing you soon.

Og ask Ogwa, Ogwa see such ug-ly per-son be-fore?

Ogwa not see. Ogwa feel sick. Ogwa ask Og still *want* Ogwa.

Og not ex-cite. Og try, Og not get excite. Og think Ay-la, cold shi-ver down spine. Og not ex-cite. Ogwa ex-cite.

Ogwa not ex-cite. Ogwa make meal.

Og say not both-er. Og sto-mach turn, not feel hun-gry.

Og hope Og make mod-ern hu-man un-der-stand why no more Ne-an-der-thal.


From: John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com)
Subject: Re: Hey, Tom "Tom"!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/04

"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> muttered:
>John wrote:
>> "DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> muttered:
>>>John wrote in :
>>>> "DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> muttered:
>>>>>Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>>>>>"DMP" (dmparker.usa.net) writes:
>>>>>>> I've forgotten now what had frightened me, but it isn't hard to do. I sometimes scare myself....
>>>>>>Why? Are you one of those things that co "clink" in the night?
>>>>>Its more of a "clunk" really.
>>>>Are you sure it's not closer to a "tinkle"?
>>>No definitely a "clunk" sort of like a trunk that has a bad u-joint....
>>>I said "joint"
>>Why would your trunk have a bad u-joint? Why a u-joint at all? I mean, either it's the kind of trunk with a hinge, or it's all an intricate network of muscles. If the latter, the piercing could *really* get out of hand.
>TRUCK, I meant truck dammit.

Hey, since I figured out last week that Tim Allen is really a dog, I find it to be no stretch at all to discover that you are actually a typing elephant. Brings a whole new dimension to the circus which is rhod.

Damn, that PA must be one *BIG* chunk o' metal.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Hey, Tom "Tom"!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/12

Carl Gustafson <root.127.0.0.1> wrote:
>> johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com (John) wrote:
>> >Hey, since I figured out last week that Tim Allen is really a dog, <snip>
>Hey! I thought that on the Internet, no one was supposed to know you were a dog.

It's true. On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Until, that is, you open your mouth and start barking.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/02

Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) writes:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> ; Ferdinand_Moser (Ferdinand.Moser.mbox.bfi.admin.ch) writes:
> ; > BTW: I'm new in this group, but I really like it [0]
> ; oooo...fresh blood....
> Down, girl...

In your dreams, Kaplan.


From: timchew.my-dejanews.com (timchew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/03

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
> I'm a confident, competent, somewhat aggressive driver.

Translated from the Bostonian. "My style of driving will cause any normal person to curl up in a ball and wimper quietly."


From: Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/05

Ferdinand_Moser <Ferdinand.Moser.mbox.bfi.admin.ch> wrote:
[snip]
> Not exactly. But it would be dangerous anyway. There's a sticker on my foot: "WARNING: This mans blood is contaminated with nicotine, beer, wine and Jack Daniels - drink on your own risk!"

Aha! A footnote!

Corran
(who thinks that it doesn't mean what he thinks it means)


From: Chris OBrien (vanguard._discombobulate_.golden.net)
Subject: Re: Smoking (was Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/06

<big snip>
Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy (its in the dictionary between shit and syphilis). Just making the point that nice guys (or girls) finish last.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Y2K
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/07

Erik Mooney (emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu) writes:
> [6] Am I the only one sick of the "Y2K" term?

Am I the only one that thinks of flies when I see the "Y2K" term?[1]

[1] I believe that's "zippers" to most of you colonials.[2]
[2] And Y2K problems can be eye-wateringly painful, if you're male.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: ... For No Good Reason
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/11

Astounding but true: British TV censors "Pinky & The Brain"!

I happened to see the episode where Brain makes some charismatic dentures and needs to appear on the cover of People magazine so that he can get his own sitcom in Canada. I don't mean, to get his own sitcom in Canada, obviously. I mean, well, with the best will in the world, a sitcom in Canada is not the surest route to total global domination, is it? No offence like, but be honest. No, I mean I happened to see that particular episode in Canada. Actually, I happened to see a lot of episodes in Canada. It was the only way we could get our daughter out of bed in the morning. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Where was I?

Oh yes: so he calls up Buckingham Palace, and I'm sure the next shot was of the cover of People magazine showing Brain with one of the Royals (Diana?) saying she adored him for no good reason. So on Saturday they showed the same episode here but, after the phone call, nothing! Nada! El zippo! Straight onto the next scene! Picture bewildered British children staring at the glowing box in wonder, never to know what our glorious Queen did to get Brain onto the cover of People magazine, and indeed why she did it. Complete mystification!

Okay, so I can imagine that they might have been worried about getting lots of letters from Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells about how demeaning it is to the people of these sainted isles to have our God-ordained royalty portrayed as being in thrall to a rather ugly and definitely unBritish white mouse. Alternatively, of course, it could all have been part of a fiendishly cunning plot to sow confusion and instability in advance of an attempt to take over the world.

In any event, if you're pondering what I'm pondering, it involves a monkey and a rubber tutu.


From: Ami (askinner.ALL_THAT_EVIL!gbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/03

Barry O'Neill wrote:
> I fondly remember the spectacle of several USAF staff being served a British Army curry some years ago; rendered practically speechless and incapacitated by this potent dish, they were sitting ducks for the lager they were then plied with. The sodden heaps to which they were reduced in less than half an hour were a sorry advertisement for their country.

Amazing coincidence. I think I know one of the brave but foolhardy USAFers you refer to, unless you Brits make this a regular practice with all your NATO allies. The gent I know returned gratefully to the US after a 3-year tour with the cryptic comment, "Cary Grant does NOT live in England."

miA


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/04

> The sodden heaps to which they were reduced in less than half an hour were a sorry advertisement for their country

Vaguely reminds me of the time I was suffering from a detached intercostal. The only way to cure this, apparently, is frequent hot showers, no moving the rib cage and, whatever else you do, no laughing.

I had almost recovered when it chanced that a colleague from work drove me to Newcastle for a business visit to one of our company locations. "Hope you like curry," he said. "Our host is a vindaloo fiend. He keeps his bog paper in the fridge."

I split my side literally (well, almost). I was in agony for days.


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/04

Ben Fisher wrote:
> Barry O'Neill wrote:
> > > So anyway, who knows.
> > a. Orrie.
> > b. The Shadow.
> > c. None of the above.
> > d. YES NO HELL
> I read this and thought, "Cool, someone else that knows about The Internet Oracle. Too bad most of the readers here won't get the joke." Then I looked at what froup I was reading. After 400+ posts this morning, I think I got a little lost.
> nice to see *one* that was almost on topic.

Indulge my curiosity - it was the reference to drunken debauchery that tipped you off, right?

It does strike me as curious how threads in this hroup get to be off-topic, given the nature of the questions submitted by supplicants. OK, I admit to never actually having seen the now-legendary "Dear Oracle, drilling holes in my willy - Black & Decker or bit and brace?" post, but the nature of the participants dictates that even those posts whose subjects that would be considered on-topic, i.e. Digests and SLs are usually veering toward the bizarre by the first reply.

So, apart from MPFC references, brSff, poker cascades, self-mutilation, breasts, deja vu, deja vu, cannibalism, smoking or non-smoking, drugged child prodigies, operating systems, obituaries, dolphin free tuna meat and turds in beach coolers, what *have* the rhodites ever done for us?

regards,

Barry


From: Anton Hoexum (ostinato.euronet.nl)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/05

Paul Andinach schreef:
> Dan Sanderson wrote:
> > Ben Fisher wrote:
> > > Yup. Worked my eyes to the bone.
> > Is there bone behind the human eye before the back of the skull?
> Yup.
> > (I genuinely don't know, and feel I should. I seem to think there might be some in the back of the socket...)
> Yup.

You wouldn't want to have your eyes slip behind your brain (while you're rubbing them, or getting a traditional ever-so-relaxing Bhurmese Eye Massage). Wonder what the view would be like though.

Anton Hoexum
"Sorry I'm late sir. My contact lense got stuck between my frontal lobe and my pleasure center."


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: FF (was: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/07

Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk) writes:
>> Indeed. It's hard to concentrate on Fibre Channel when I can't stop
> Fibre Channel? Is that an entire channel devoted to crunchy stuff? Or ... oh, obtics. I see.

It's a feature I'm working on. Fibre Channel storage networks. Oooooo baby.

>> thinking about those soft-type of kisses where the fullest part of her bottom lip scoops up gently against the ridge of his lower lip, then the upper ones come into brushing contact and perhaps the tip of a tongue is swept across...
> Stop it! Now you got me all wound up and nowhere to go.

You like that, then, eh?

*KaCee makes a note to include that in the book.

Yes, I'm doing research on you all, my little lab rhods.


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: FF (was: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/11

William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} wrote:
> "Access to breasts" is not at issue. That would make them a commodity, like Pentium chips or something.
> Object-oriented lovemaking might be all the rage, but it's not my thing.

Hey, I practise Sex++, and it's great fun, but my programs go down a lot.

Nils "Nerd Humor Alert!" Desle


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: FF (was: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/11

Kirsten Chevalier (MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu) said:
:William J. Evans (wje.netcom.com) wrote:
: : The center of the universe, fortunately for me, is more interested in religion than computers.
: : She believes in the resurrection. Now I do too.
: Hey, didya hear about that book called "The Sex Life of God"? Subtitled "The Second Coming"?

So what does He/She/It scream during orgasm, "Oh Me! Oh Me! Oh Me!"?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think we'd better consult Lisa


From: Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu)
Subject: Re: Another quiz
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

Lars Raeder Clausen <elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk> wrote:
>Will I be a resident alien when I study in the US? Wow! Anybody volunteer for abduction?

Oh bloody hell! Does this mean that I've had the right to abduct people for the past 6 years and not known about it!

Bummer.

Corran
(who would really like a flying saucer, please)


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Another quiz
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

Sunburst wrote:
> [1] I also str that Bliss didn't really qualify as a virus because it could not replicate itself without some sort of help or somesuch, though I do not remember the details.

[root.luser]# Bliss installed. Begin infecting now? Y or N [Y] Y
[root.luser]# Please confirm you wish Bliss to f*ck up your system. Y or N [Y] Y
[root.luser]# Thank you. F*cking your system, please wait...
[root.luser]# System f*cked. Press any key to continue...

regards,

Barry


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Where's the "any key"?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a broken cup holder


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
I'm not telling you until you've closed every window...


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Spodding
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/14

Richard McAteer (rmcateer.chat.carleton.ca) said:
: lee1089.kettering.edu wrote:
: > The camera pans over to a bed, on which there is a chicken slowly and pleasurefully smoking a cigarette and a egg that looks pissed off. The egg says "Well, that answers *that* question, doesn't it?"
: Okay, HOW does an EGG look pissed off? Eggs don't have exactly a wide variety of expressions, you know.

There was an article in Annals of Improbable Research (or mayhap back in the Journal of Irreproducible Results days) in which they examined how much dogs enjoyed sliding boards. They did this by photographing the subjects' facial expressions both before and after going down. They (the scientists, not the dogs) were able to discern a surprising amount of info that was not readily apparent to the casual observer. Perhaps if we dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns and/or were experts (egg-spurts?) in socio-ovology we might be able to understand.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are semi-formal observers


From: lee1089.kettering.edu (lee1089.kettering.edu)
>I saw an egg that looked completely fried, though.

So exchange them although I don't see how an egg could smoke either.


From: Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/06

Ben Fisher wrote:
> Paul Andinach wrote:
> > Bob-! wrote
> > > > > > Ian's going into the Insane Asylum!
> > > > > He found a nicer one than rhod?
> > > > This is the Sane Asylum.
> > > This is The Outside of the Asylum.
> > > Everywhere else is In the Asylum.
> > Here, have a toothpick. How are the angels these days?

From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Still jostling for elbow room down at the Pin Head Ballroom and Grill.

> Still wearing Dr. Scholls sandals.

You all realize of course, that this is one big psychology experiment by Ian to see if he could start a thread that we would all keep going until he returns in two weeks. I'd even bet that he has money on it. In fact, Scully just told me... well I'd better not say, you'd all get freaked out.


From: Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/09

Matt Kerbel <bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
>Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu) writes:
>> Matt Kerbel <bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
>>>> In fact, Scully just told me... well I'd better not say, you'd all get freaked out.
>>>Actually, now that you mention psychology experiments... I developed a theory this morning on the way to work that the priestesses and priests were running their own little experiment now, for what purpose I don't know... The lack of a new digest in over a week, Ian's "holiday", the lack of recent posts from Otis and Kirsten...
>>>But then Kirsten made a couple of posts (at least; two that I've seen so far) since last night, so that kind of shot down my theory...
>>>Oh well.
>> No, but don't you see that Kirsten is just doing it so we don't get supicious. It would be a bit obvious if *all* the priests stopped posting at once. And they know we aren't stupid (mainly becasue they can read all about it in another thread).
>> The only question which remains is: what are they up to?

Well I just recieved this in the mail from Otis:

|Please feel free to post this on my behalf:
|I'm stranded. My ISP's newsfeed is coming in but not going out, due to a reconfiguration that they performed around 7/29. No one had noticed the problem until I began to suspect something was wrong on Friday. Lucky me, our news admin was not in and their upstream provider doesn't have weekend tech support either.
|Otis.

Hmmm... we start commenting on this and suddenly we have the first digest in a week and suddenly the priests start coming out of the woodwork with all sorts of excuses. I think we may be onto something here.

>Maybe they're at PriestStock '98...

That sounds way too tame. My suspicion is that they have observed the amount of posting to the group and are brainstorming ways to cut it down. My suspicion is that they are thinking in the direction of mass ritual cannibalism... why on earth would it have come up in the froup otherwise?

Corran
(Trust no one. Keep your laser handy. The Oracle is your friend.)


From: timchew.my-dejanews.com (timchew.my-dejanews.com)
Nah, they're off in Fiji again. They always leave Kirsten behind, or at least they did last Christmas.


From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes)
They are? No wonder they don't return my calls and I suddenly have a huge load of Oracularities to judge...


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/12

"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
> Conspiracy theories must account for everything.

The conspiracy theories are just a clever front for the conspiracy against me! I *know* you're all just lulling me into a false sense of security by pretending that the world works as it seems to do. But I can wait...:)

-Lars "Paranoid schizophreniacs outnumber their enemies two to one" Clausen


From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/13

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) scrawled:
> Dave Hemming wrote:
> ; Dave ("Were the knives another thing I'm not allowed to mention? Darn.")
> What else is on this list of things you aren't supposed to mention?

Ha! You can't trick me into mentioning the Tube Sock Full of Lard that easily!


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/13

Matt Kerbel <bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
>The lack of a new digest in over a week, Ian's "holiday", the lack of recent posts from Otis and Kirsten...

*sniff* Nobody noticed that I was gone for two weeks.

I once had a job where I took a two-week vacation without telling anyone, and where nobody noticed that I had gone. That was when I decided that I needed a better job.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Vasectomy (was:Re: the moronic public and other stuff)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/18

margit.ott.net "JustMe" writes:
> <more cruel snipping performed>
> > they had just cut open my scrotal sack and fondled my testicles in a *very* personal manner, they acted grossed out that I wanted them to help me put it up. I nearly had to cry to get them to help me (cause by then the pain killer was starting to slip and things were getting tender).
> One must alway retain one's sense of humor during delicate procedures.
> I once viewed a vasectomy being performed. Simple really, you tape the penis to the stomach, numb equipment up a bit, cut one little slit in the scrotum. Grab the vas deferens with a thing that looks like a

<snips sorta make your eyes water in this context>

Wimps. The doctor who sliced me (he was a GP who did vasectomies on the side, 100 quid a throw) didn't use anaesthetic to begin with, as he said it increased the chance of bruising (later he dabbed a little on the edges of the incisions). The nurse asked if I wanted her to set up a mirror so I could watch. I explained I could sense exactly as much of the operation as my scientific curiosity demanded at this moment in time, thank you.

'Course, you sit around the rest of the day feeling like you've been kicked in the crotch by an uncooperative burro. And later, the hair starts to grown back...

On the bright side, the stitches pull the skin tighten. You get a scrotal face-lift thrown in for free. How can you resist, Paul?

-Richard Wilson-*-----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---Who doesn't for a moment believe that asharka's failure to-*--
-include him in the "old-timers who have recently been absent" list-
--*--is unintentional, so if I leave, it's *your* fault, sunshine!--


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
I don't believe my face *needs* to be lifted by my scrotum, thank you very much.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Well, I had a pleasant weekend, I think I'll seriously embarass myself now
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/10

Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) said:
: Malcolm Pack wrote:
: ; with some non-digestable fat-replacement which offers bulk and lubrication, but no digestible calorific content.
: Like O'Lean? According to a source I've heard, that stuff is +nasty+ to your body.

It's not nasty. It's just an oil that doesn't get digested, so it remains as an oil, and lubricates you all the way through. Actually, you're right...it is nasty.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are gonna market it as an orally-administered lubricant for anal sex


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: the moronic public (was: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/20

Kirsten Chevalier wrote:
>Malcolm Pack (m.pack....) wrote:
>: I would seriously suggest (at the risk of flameage) starting with a low-capability (text-only) BASIC or PASCAL implementation first. Learn
>Which is like saying you should start out feeding your kids junk food and then if they survive past puberty, give them fruits and vegetables.

For BASIC, maybe. For Pascal it's more like choosing one breakfast, one lunch, and one dinner, and then feeding them the same three meals every day until their taste buds expire. Then you give them the option to eat other stuff, but they have a hard time imagining that anything might taste differently. It might be a useful approach if they don't know how to eat and need to learn, but make sure to start varying the diet as soon as they've learned to use a fork (no pun intended; I don't think you can fork in Pascal anyway).

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Where do the stains on the table cloth and the mummified peas under the chair fit in to this analogy?

Actually, with BASIC, it's more like skipping potty-training, and then hoping that they don't make too much of a mess when they grow up and leave home.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: I'm back (was Re: Intermission)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/15

I'm back. Damn those aliens and their anal probes.

And I suddenly feel like I've walked in on the end of "The Lord of the Flies." You children have not been playing nice while I've been away.

My only comment:
The "oracle" and the associated "d" parts are optional.
The "rec" and the "humor" bits are compulsory.

Ian.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: I'm back (was Re: Intermission)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/15

>I'm back. Damn those aliens and their anal probes.

Oh, no you don't! You disappear, and all of a sudden digest 1040 comes out with evidence that Dave is now a new priest. Using Aliens as an excuse is just too easy. We all know now that Kirsten gets left out of everything just to throw us off the track, and Otis send messages via someone else with e-mail to further distract us. Didn't you read the rest of this thread yet?

That must be one hell of an induction ceremony for it to last two weeks.


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.nothanks.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: ROT-13 (Was: Re: Bye)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/19

Matt Kerbel says...
>Barry O'Neill (boneil.nothanks.cableinet.co.uk) writes:
>> EBG-13 Syndrome:
>> Creepy feeling you get when you see your first name morphs (well, phonetically anyway) into your last name under ROT-13. Brrr...
>Geez, that *is* kinda creepy... (For the ROT-13 deficient, a group I am sensitive to because I'm normally one of you since I read news through the freenet, "Barry O'Neill" translates to "Oneel B'Arvyy" in ROT-13.)
>Got me thinking about other rhodites and their ROT-13 "translations". I only tried to figure out a few of them, but I noticed that the ROT-13 equivalent of "Chew" is "Purj". Does that make this an anorexia/bulimia thread now?

I imagine anyone with the facilities has ROT-13'd their name just to see if it translates into something either rude or, better yet, oogy.

Mr Thyyvoyr must be a real hoot at parties... :)

regards,

Barry


From: John Dougherty (jdoughe1.csulb.edu)
Subject: Re: Kid stuff (was re: Prince (the artist formerly know as Re: the moronic public)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/26

Ami wrote:
> >and because that many toddlers just gets on my nerves.
> This makes you "normal". I think it's very difficult to work up a real fondness for anyone's toddlers but your own, because they are such evil little monkeys. They drool, they break things, they interrupt, you have to watch them every minute, and they cry if they don't get their way. [insert here your own joke comparing this behavior to that of politicians or your in-laws]

Gee, that sounds just like some of my days teaching. I think it's amazing how much high-school freshmen can revert.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Poker anyone?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/18

Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies prefer grape nuts

Expensive. Only two per grape.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Poker anyone?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/19

rmcateer.chat.carleton.ca (Richard McAteer) wrote:
>Simmer like Psyllium

As the resident Latin Geek, I demand you alter that to Psyllia. Or better yet, bring in a resident Ancient Greek Geek to contradict me.

Tim "The Great Greek Geek, by G. Skeet Fitzgeerald." Allen


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Poker anyone?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/20

Tim Allen wrote:
> As the resident Latin Geek, I demand you alter that to Psyllia.

This thread is getting ps... never mind.

Ian.


From: tracie klosterman (tck.unlinfo.unl.edu)
Subject: MS Boo Boo
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/27

Microsoft Tells Us Where to Go

Another reminder that it pays to know your opera. A new TV ad for Microsofts Internet Explorer e-mail program uses the musical theme of the Confutatis Maledictis from Mozarts Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis, which means, The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell.

Interesting marketing strategy, wouldn't you say?


From: Jerry James (jerry.cs.ucsb.edu)
Subject: Re: 1037-09
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/07

Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
> [1] I have exactly 4 piercings, honest. And exactly one of them is *not* in either of my ears. Really and truly. Any guesses? A hint -- it's about as tame as all my other revelations...

If you need any more piercings, let me know. My son has a piercing scream.


From: JustMe (margit.ott.net)
Subject: Re: 1037-09
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/27

Paul wrote:
> bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Matt Kerbel) wrote:
> >If I had shaved my beard, Kim would have shaved her head. It's our little "agreement". Not that I have any desire to shave off my beard, fortunately.
> Do you have a similar agreement if one of you has to have an amputation? These silly deals lovers make...hey, there's got to be a country song in this. Where's E9c6zum when you need him?

Well here is my attempt at some lyrics. Just make up your own tune and be sure to sing it with as much twang and nasal noise as you can muster.

They swore to one another,
They'd stay hairy for each other.
No surprise that newborn Kerbels
Came out lookin' just like gerbils.

So what are Canadians to do,
'Cept to start a furry zoo?
Keep shampoo in good supply,
Let it grow until ya die.

Margi (homegrown country and barefoot, but probably not pregnant)


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Subject: Re: <sigh> still offline...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/29

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com wrote:
>"Get Otis at metlife. He pays!"

Yeah, if I get spammed there, maybe. God, it's so great to be able to post to the rest of the world again! Now if I only had something to say.



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