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1998 12

From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/12/01

DMP wrote:
> You poor bastard. I look like Heather Locklear when the light is just right, but more like the monster from Howard the Duck when it's not.

"The light is right" is referring to pitch dark blackness, right?


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/12/02

Talkam wrote:
> Tristan K. Smith wrote:
> > jkapllan.... says...
> > > ; For your punishment you must write (right?) the FAQ.
> > > Just remember, that while two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do.
> > > And that two Wrights make an airplane.
> > And two airplanes make horrible screeching sounds.
> Only when they come together.

Remind me never to get on a horny plane.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/12/03

Also Sprach DMP:
> >>How about I have big shiny rings through several of the more tender parts of my anatomy?
> >Pshaw. Old news. We want new info.
> I can pick up household items with them?

"Hey, kettle, fancy coming back to my place?"?


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: training cds For a trip to mexico
Date: Thu, 03 Dec 1998 12:57:38 -0600

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> DMP said:
> : Kimberly Chapman wrote
> : >DMP wrote
> : >>That's right Captain, I have an asshole and I am *not* afraid to use it. More over I have a penis, the very sight of which makes many people ill, and I'm not afraid to use it either.
> : >Yes but can you use them together?
> : "Go fuck yourself"? Is that what you're telling me?
> There once was a DumpCarrot from Alsace
> Whose dick could reach 'round to his ass
> umm...that's as far as I can go. Anybody want to finish?

There once was a DumpCarrot from Alsace
Whose dick could reach 'round to his ass
That's as far as i go
'cause it's said, don't 'cha know
That to finish this shows lack of class.
...
On this subject, I really must pass.
...
If you're fishing, you've landed a bass.
...
He's just glad that his rings are not glass.
...
Though he tries to butt in
it's a strain on his skin
And it won't work, because of its mass.


From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Silence
Date: 04 Dec 1998 11:36:51 -0600

On 4 Dec 1998, Tom Harrington thusly discussed the words of the Internet Oracle:
> In article <912617953snz.molerat.demon.co.uk>, Richard Wilson wrote:
>>Which reminds me of the factoid I once came across that Australia has more species of poisonous animals than the rest of the world put together. God was probably trying to keep it his own country.
> What do you make of the fact that the USA apparently has more lawyers than the rest of the world combined?

A paper airplane.

-Lars "Swish" Clausen


From: "Michael G. Thompson" <mthompsn.mica.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re:
Date: Mon, 07 Dec 1998 10:43:06 -0500

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what Greenpeace has to say

Well, let's not keep you in suspense....

(*crackle, pop, crackle*)
Rainbow Warrior to Greenpeace Central, come in GP Central. Over.

This is GP central to Rainbow Warrior, we read you 5-by. GA. Over.

RW: Guys, are you sure about the co-ordinates on this "Endangered Giant Pink Whale" of yours? We just double-checked our charts, and it looks like it's on land. In Houston, Texas to be precise. They don't do a lot of whaling out of Houston, do they? Over.

GCP: Look, we'll fax you the picture we got out of rec.humor.oracle.d, The poor creature has already been harpooned once, Ghod alone knows how it's managed to survive this long. And to add insult to injury, it's a non-standard harpoon, you'll see it for yourself. Stand by.

(*pause for fax transmission*)

RW: Sweet vegetarian Jesus, look at the size of that thing! OK, Central, we're on it! We'll call you back when we make the Gulf for an update. This is Rainbow Warrior, over and out.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: If I may
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 3 Dec 1998 18:29:17 GMT

Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com) said:
: Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
: > Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> writes:
: > : Carrla Miriam Levy <clevy.spam.isnt.kosher.hussle.harvard.edu> spewed:
: > : : Brain and brain! What is brain?
: > : That one was on last week, wasn't it?
: > Was it? I just like saying "Brain and brain! What is brain?"
: > carla "well, what *is* brain, anyway?" levy
: Well, if you take out the "i", it's what old people eat to help prevent constipation.

Taking your eyes out of your brain gives you the shits? Great...

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't need to know that


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re:
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Dec 1998 02:45:07 GMT

Kimberly Chapman (kacee.outer-net.com) said:
: DMP wrote in message <74hht5$3p1.news1.newsguy.com>...
: >Michael G. Thompson wrote in message <366C3FB4.ADCCA679.mica.edu>...
: >>DMP wrote:
: >>> LOL. This is great, now my penis is the Great Pink Whale is it? By the way, it is really brown, not pink, I'm a rather dark-skinned boy.
: >>(*bow*) Thank you. As far as your willy's tint goes, I plead ignorance, I do not recall it having been mentioned what your ethnic background was.
: >Italian. Mostly. A little german too, but mostly Italian.
: I know...tough choice between Italian or German sausage, eh?

*boggle* He has *two*??? He could stretch a rubber band between 'em and make a wicked awesome slingshot.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies thought ethnic mixing was a homogenous process


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: fuck
From: Carla Miriam Levy <clevy.spam.isnt.kosher.hussle.harvard.edu>
Date: 08 Dec 1998 10:35:56 -0500

>> But there *is* no F in SEX?
Paul> Maybe from your point of view, but from mine, I get plenty of F in Sex. In fact, ALL the sex I get is in F.

That's better than sex in D minor... after all, sex with a relative minor is immoral on *two* counts.
Carla


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: fuck
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Bright Red Fish)
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 01:21:54 GMT

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>I tend to agree here. Kimberly, your brain is your biggest asset as

To hear her talk, her boobs are bigger than her brain, and therefore THEY are her biggest asset. Dont' get me wrong -- I *LIKE* her brain more than her boobs, but I don't think it's as big as they are. If her brain were as big as those things, we'd be watching her on an old Star Trek episode, and she'd be talking to us without moving her lips.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Food safety advice you never hear ...
From: "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1998 09:04:47 -0600

William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} wrote
>"Randy Martens" <herald.frii.com> wrote:
>:I have actually heard a REAL recipie where you stuff a turkey with a duck, which in turn has been stuffed with a chicken, which in turn has been stuffed with a pheasant.
>I think this belongs in alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bestiality.hamster.duct-tape.d

My news server doesn't carry that newsgroup....bummer.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Food safety advice you never hear ...
From: Talkam <moores.one.two.net.au>
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998 00:33:37 +1000

Quoth the Raving:
> Talkam wrote in message <367A61AB.770.two.net.au>...
> >Randy Martens wrote:
> >> Has anyone noticed how far off topic this thread has gone?
> >Your point being?
> On the end of my sword, a comfortable 42" away from my body, and therfore much closer to you.

Hmmm lessee now TWB 506879958" from my body.
Yikes where's me tin undies.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Food safety advice you never hear ...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Date: Thu, 24 Dec 1998 08:00:08 -0600

Andrew Comeau wrote:
> >Um, Nils? Filberts *are* nuts, and peanut butter, except the kind found in the current PB cups, is made from peanuts. What's yer beef, then?
> I know this will probably throw the thread in several completely new directions previously unimagined in nature but ... dare I ask .... what is actually in the peanut butter cups?

Sweepings and leavings, and brown colored sawdust
Filings of toe nails that were clipped in August
All sorts of other things gremlins would bring
These are the least of my favorite things.

Untreated septic sludge from the high reaches
Surgical garbage that washed up on beaches
All of this toxic waste formed in a ring
This is the least of my favorite things.

When the taste bites
When your mouth stings
When your memory's bad
You simply eat Ex-Lax and sit like a king
And then you don't feeeeel sooooo baaaad.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: GIF! GIF!
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 12 Dec 1998 18:24:09 GMT

jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca said:
: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) wrote:
: : 0000 0001 0010 0011 0100 0101 0110 0111 1000 1001 1010 1011 1100 1101 1110 1111
: The way he's holding her, it's almost... filthy.
: I think the puppy is a bit much, though.
: This sort of work always leaves me emotionally... erect.

I like the way the fat Jesus balances out the two skinny ones.

: JIM, who wishes he could remember more of that monologue

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have switched to a dialog


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nitpicking the Nitpicker
From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 08:33:26 +0100

Al Sharka wrote:
> On 14 Dec 1998, Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> > They HAVE to vote to impeach. And the Democrats HAVE to insist on
> <snip campaign speech>
> > I don't think we need a third major party in this country. I think we need a second one.
> Tom "Tom" for President! 'e hasn't got any shit on 'im!

Okay, I've got an idea. It's obvious you merkans arent' fit to run your own country, so you'll have to bring in someone neutral, unbiased, intelligent, witty, smart, honest, good-looking and modest. I'll do it, but only if you get Sandra Bullock to be my intern.

I shall base my entire campaign on the following slogan:
"Read my lips: NO MORE TAXiS!"

That'll do it.

Oh, and don't let all my earlier posts about taking over the world and enslaving humanity get in the way of electing me, they were just for fun, honest!

Nils "Suckers... heh heh" Desle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On average...
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 08:13:33 +1100

Ken Adams wrote:
> While the average may be ~4.5 posts before thread drift sets in, it's much more interesting to note that the standard deviation is also ~4.5, and if you perform a Chi Square analysis comparing r.h.o.d to a.s.r the p-value is 0.0000000001.
> Anyone get the Kurtosis value?

No, but I gave his description to the cops.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: On average...
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Bright Red Fish)
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 00:44:59 GMT

bang.netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Jason Willoughby sez:
>:) Ken Adams <kadams.raex.com> wrote:
>:) > While the average may be ~4.5 posts before thread drift sets in, it's much more interesting to note that the standard deviation is also ~4.5, and if you perform a Chi Square analysis comparing r.h.o.d to a.s.r the p-value is 0.0000000001.
>:) Alright, that's quite enough of that, thank you. I've a stat final Thursday, and rhod is the last place I want more of the stuff. Go talk about breasts or something.
>Ever notice how some breasts take on the quality of a dual bell curve?

That's not normal.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Silence
From: asharka.my-dejanews.com
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 17:03:13 GMT

PK wrote:
> "DMP" attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> >If you want a piercing I would strongly recommend you find a reputable piercing parlor that uses and autoclave for sterilization. And strictly adhere to the aftercare instructions.
> Not to frighten you or anything, but when Dumpcarat tells you to adhere to something, there's probably a roll of duct tape heading toward you at high velocity. Not that there's anything WRONG with that...

Any shred of *curiosity* I may have had on this subject has just been utterly eliminated by the thought of using an autoclave to ensure a sterile procedure. The mental image of piercing it was bad enough, but then imagining steam-cleaning it afterwards brings tears to my eyes, since steam can be hotter than boiling water. And then you seem to need duct tape to hold it together when you're done...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Silence
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 98 21:50:06 GMT

HeK.hetta.pp.fi "Henriette Kress" writes:
> tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
> >In article <913913250snz.molerat.demon.co.uk>, Richard Wilson wrote:
> >>Same goes for the YKK Bug, involving as it does getting parts of your anatomy trapped.
> >I don't think I want to know how you managed to get _bugs_ caught in your zipper. Parts of your anatomy, maybe, if you're not bothering with undies, but _bugs_?
> >Though it does raise the questions: Why? How?
> I'm not sure you want to pry any further here.

See? That's precisely the problem Paul was pointing out elsewhere.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--Anyway, I think of it as not so much a bug but a feature--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Silence
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Dec 1998 22:48:55 GMT

Henriette Kress (HeK.hetta.pp.fi) said:
: On 18 Dec 1998 17:24:27 GMT, tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
: >In article <913913250snz.molerat.demon.co.uk>, Richard Wilson wrote:
: >>Same goes for the YKK Bug, involving as it does getting parts of your anatomy trapped.
: >I don't think I want to know how you managed to get _bugs_ caught in your zipper. Parts of your anatomy, maybe, if you're not bothering with undies, but _bugs_?
: >Though it does raise the questions: Why? How?
: I'm not sure you want to pry any further here.

If I got my winkie caught, the *last* thing I think I'd want would be for someone to try to pry it out.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are all zipped up with no place to go


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Returning again, and again, and again....
From: barry.londo.centauri.prime (Barry O'Neill)
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1998 10:07:18 +0000

On Wed, 16 Dec 1998 05:56:01 GMT, Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> wrote:
>Mr. Garibaldi saw this article from Barry O'Neill in Universe Today while his daughter played tennis with Dr. Franklin::
>; >I know of wine. There are others, too.
>; That'll be WINE (WINE Is Not an Emulator) then. Although the concept does
>Don't you just +love+ those recursive acronyms?

Absolutely. Although not in the physical sense.

>; strike me as like wallpapering the interior of your car to retain compatability with your house...
>Fine. You go find a UNIX news and mail reader that's as powerful and easy to use as Agent. And don't say "emacs." I don't have the time to learn a third operating system.

Ah, a trick question. If I say Pine, you'll look at my header and ask me why I'm using slrn, won't you? If I say slrn, you'll ask me about it's lack of mail reading capabilities.

In either event, I will be exposed for the ignorant fool that I am - and in a public newsgroup, to boot. Thousands, if not millions of people will see that message, amongst them many potential clients who will make a note of my name for future reference.

Inevitably, I will come into contact with these people at some point, and they'll remember how I embarrassed myself here and decide not to risk having anything to do with me. As more clients reject me out of hand, rumours will begin to circulate, fuelled no doubt by frequent references to Deja News and my monumental gaffe.

In some short space of time I will no longer be able to obtain employment at any level where I have contact with so much as a calculator, never mind a computer. My income will drop, my kids will suffer from low self-esteem as a result, and my wife will leave me for some throbbing stud who writes java applets for a financial company.

I'll lose my house and take to the drink, pausing only to grow a matted beard during my headlong slide into the depths of utter misery and degradation...

So I'll say Netscape.

regards,
Barry
--
Your chair has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect.
Reboot now? [ OK ]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey Carla!
From: Nathan Sullivan <nsulliv.pacbell.net>
Date: 18 Dec 1998 18:46:29 -0800

tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) writes:
> I can just imagine: "I hear voices telling me what to do. They come from my penis."

And this would distinguish him from every other male on the planet how?

--Nathan "Mine keeps telling me to change the channel" Sullivan


From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Subject: Re: geez, Tim
Date: 27 Dec 1998 00:00:00 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

st.ferd2.thristian.org "Screwtape" writes:
> It's been a while since I was in the Acronym wars, my friend. The phenominal skills for which I was selected on this mission have degraded with time and lack of attention. I don't even know what Furrfu is, unless it's a bizzare kind of sushi.

You are familiar with snafu, are you not? Furrfu is much the same, only this time lemurs are involved. HTH. HAND.


From: Nathan Sullivan (nsulliv.pacbell.net)
Subject: Re: woo-hoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/12/07

Lars Clausen <lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu> writes:
> Nathan Sullivan wrote:
> > Sure you can. Bear in mind, however, that it stands absolutely no chance of defeating the reigning word of the week, which has held said title for the past eight weeks. That word is:
> >anticounterdisoogificationistly
> ITYM anticounterdisoogificationistically

<announcer name="Bob">
This has been history in the making, folks. The word that could never be beaten has just lost the title to a young newcomer. The grueling bout saw both words bruised and beaten. It's a wonder they both still have all their letters. In the end, "anticounterdisoogificationistically"'s greater bulk allowed it to bully "anticounterdisoogificationistly" enough to win the fight by unanimous decision. Jim, what do you think?
</announcer>

<announcer name="Jim">
Well, Bob, it was quite apparent that this newcomer used the champ as a model for his style. Watching these two circle each other was like seeing a reflection in a mirror. As you said, Bob, it was "anticounterdisoogificationistically"'s extra size that allowed it to triumph.

Wait, what's that coming toward the ring. It looks like yet another word, here to challenge the new champion. It's just stepped into the ring, and... Omigod, it's knocked out the new champ with just one punch! That poor new kid didn't have much of a chance to enjoy the championship, did he, Bob?
</announcer>

<announcer name="Bob">
No, he didn't, Jim. Well, this is what I call exciting, folks. We've had two new champions in as many minutes, after an eight week reign by the former champ. Anyway, we're running out of time, so I'd just like to congratulate the new champ, "anticounterdisoogificationalistnesses".
</announcer>

<announcer name="Jim">
That's right, Bob. So, from all of us at the Word of the Week ring, Good fight, good night.
</announcer>

--Nathan "Working on my degree in Procrastination, at some point" Sullivan


From: Lars Clausen (lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu)
LOL!

Unfortunately, just as the new champ emerged from the sports hall into a dark back street, it was violently assaulted by "anticounterdisoogificationalistification". Its battered and bleeding corpse was left for the rats, as the unknown, but soon universally feared champion snuck back into the darkness.

-Lars "*sniff-sniff* I smell... recursion!" Clausen


From: Robert Bonomi (robert.news.bonomi.com)
*sigh* kiddies, don't try this at home. This is a task only for experienced professionals:

semiantireversecounterpseudodisoogificationalistificationesqueness

And I won't even mention the 84+ character word.



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