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1998 01

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: The Oracle replies!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/25

Blade-Runner <black-dog.thecatgeocities.com> wrote:
> b.judd.SPAMFILTER.xtra.co.nz (Gwyn Judd) wrote:
> >I just thought this was a little excessive even for the Oracle. And anyway I thought I *had* grovelled. Nevertheless does anyone have the answer to this question <largest prime number> as its really important.
> There isn't one. Only the largest ever found. HTH

Actually, the largest prime number _has_ been found. It's a "2" that's about seven miles tall. It's inscribed on a South American plain somewhere; it's so big that you can't even tell what it is from ground level, where it just looks like a very long hill. Evidence suggests that it's been there for hundreds of years, even though you can only really make it out from orbit.


From: Tom Harrington (tph.shell.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: The Oracle replies!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/26

David Griffith <dgriffi.ultrix6.cs.csubak.edu> wrote:
: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) wrote:
: : Actually, the largest prime number _has_ been found. It's a "2" that's
: No, it's not! I saw a pattern of sunspots just last week in the pattern of the number '7'!

Proof, David? Did you get any pictures?

Ah, it doesn't matter anyway. According to an article in the latest issue of Astronomical Times, an even larger prime has been found. Apparently, if you look at the milky way from just the right angle, it appears to be shaped like the number 3. That's a hell of a lot bigger than any sunspot.


From: Jeremiah W. James (jerry.cs.ucsb.edu)
Subject: Re: The Oracle replies!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/30

Louis Patterson lrp.ecr.mu.oz. au wrote the following after counting quickly from one to aleph null:
> On Wed, 28 Jan 1998, Ami Skinner wrote:
> > Diverting all this number-speak for a moment, can anyone tell me why the Brits use the term "maths" and the 'merkins use "math"?
> Simple: Americans can't count.

Not true. I just checked with the other guys in my lab, and all many of us can count.


From: Robin Harrison (rahar8.student.monash.edu.au)
How about Americans don't count?


From: Leonard Blanks (ltb+usenet.haruspex.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/11

Richard Wilson <Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> writes:
> Well, it's either that or go out and repair the section of garden fence blown down by the recent storms. You'd think the least it could have done is land on one of the ever-expanding toadstool patches. I'm thinking of donating my garden to the National Trust as a fungus preserve.

Sid did much the same thing with his fridge in the end. He rejected the offer to purchase made by the spore & mould geeks at Imperial College in anticipation of a more lucrative scam, metamorphosis into a true work of art.

For those of you not privy to the grand customs and traditions regarding support of the arts in the UKoGBaNI, the scam is:

There is a good deal of art in private hands and therefore enjoyed only by the owners and their special chums; her majesty's government have thus provided a scheme whereby holders of such works would allow any one who wished to view these masterpieces to do so. For this consideration the owners receive not only the warm and fuzzy feeling knowing their possessions will be shared by the common people, but a reasonable monetary compensation as well.

The neat thing is this - there is no need under the scheme to advertise the availability of art works for viewing and, if the owner decides not to provide this information to the public, it is not possible to determine who has opted into the scheme as such information is protected as private.

Surprisingly, few participants in the scheme have made their participation public. If, by some stroke of luck, one manages to identify such a patron of the arts and gets him/her to admit it, they will then be forced to provide an appointment for viewing which, it is hoped, falls within the lifetime of the requester.

This is what Sid had in mind.

He plastered some amusing little fridge magnets found in a rubbish tip on the front, entitled it "Ember Days Dialectic" and entered it in the last Turner Prize competition where it just missed being short-listed.

His subsequent acceptance or rejection into the government's scheme is not a matter of public record, or so he tells me.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/12

Richard "Fun Guy" Wilson wrote:
> You'd think the least it could have done is land on one of the ever-expanding toadstool patches. I'm thinking of donating my garden to the National Trust as a fungus preserve.

Just watch out for the ones with the little chimneys and windows.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: The Chronicles of Zadoc the Priest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/13

Leonard "Help, stop me before I do it again - Ian" Blanks wrote:
> He plastered some amusing little fridge magnets found in a rubbish tip on the front, entitled it "Ember Days Dialectic" and entered it in the last Turner Prize competition where it just missed being short-listed.

This would be a prime example of cogno-intellectual laterality.


From: John Ward (wardjw.pigeon.qut.edu.au)
On Tue, 13 Jan 1998 tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
> And what, pray tell, is your definition of cogno-intellectual?

Similar to a DemocraticRepublicOfCongo-intellectual, but furthur south and without the annoying lisp.


From: firewind (firewind.metroid.dyn.ml.org)
Subject: Re: Wake up, Orrie!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/07

Dan Sanderson wrote:
> Call me impatient,

Okay, but I'm warning you, don't call me Shirley.

> but I'm used to getting a relatively immediate response from the Oracle. I did a tellme hours ago, and have yet to receive a question (or an empty queue message). I just sent a help and it hasn't responded to that, either.

Zadoc must be slacking off again.

> Knowing campus networks, I imagine it could be any of a number of things, and my asking doesn't really help any. So I thought I'd ask. Orrie down tonight? Mailserver? cs.indiana.edu? indiana.edu? edu? (Good God, edu crashed again?!? Someone reboot!)

Well, at least it was edu and not com. Phone lines across the country would be jammed as millions of people attempted to reach AOL technical support to complain and threaten frivilous lawsuits.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #973
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/16

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
>We have a shop here called "Cupa Joe's" which makes a good cup. They even make all the froo-froo coffee drinks. Much better than Starbuck's; I still can't believe I paid $1.20 for that swill. Of course, the best thing about Cupa is that they are the only coffee shop in Raleigh to have a smoking section. Coffee with no cigarette? That's Un-american!

I've found that cream lends a much better flavour to coffee than cigarettes. The paper just falls apart in the coffee and you have to strain the tobacco through your teeth. And don't even get me started on the filter tips.


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Spice Girls
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/23

For the incarnation who answered my question about the Spice Girls...
How do you know how Ian, Mark, and Otis look in skin tight mini-dresses?


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
You obviously haven't attended any of the conventions.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Damn it, Fungaroli *assured* us that the pictures *and* negatives from the New Year's Eve party had been destroyed.


From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes)
That's between me and them.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Meaning?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/27

Paul wrote:
<about _The Sound and the Fury_, by William Faulkner.>
The first section is told from the point of view of an idiot,

"Story of my life," said the priest.


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: 'merkins
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/15

vasilisha.aol.com (Vasilisha) wrote:
> I've noticed a trend:
> "Is all 'merkin beer as bad as Budweiser?"
> "Is all 'merkin coffee as bad as McDonalds?"
> "Is all 'merkin music as bad as Hanson?"
> etc. etc. etc.
> For all you non-'merkins: Most 'merkins are idiots, just like the residents of your country. See, most people are idiots. We just have idiots with a higher average income than you do, so they can afford to be better cretins.

<Rantings about beer, coffee, and music snipped>

Hey man, chill.

BTW, are all 'merkin cigarettes as bad Camel?

Tim Chew, who's down to five packs of duty free Silk Cut.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: 'merkins
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/26

davidmac.acronym.com.au "David McAuliffe" writes:
> I'd always wondered *why* anyone would actually have a merkin, and more to the point who was the first person to actually want or use a merkin. Whose idea was it anyway?

I serendipitously came across the answer to this some months ago, and have promptly forgotten it. It has to do with syphilis. Either to disguise symptoms, or the side effects of treatment, I guess. Hence my concern for Lisa when someone quoth: "You owe the Oracle a merkin" a little while back.


Subject: Re: Incarnatory Brain Death
From: John Ward <wardjw.pigeon.qut.edu.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 28 Jan 1998 13:42:14 +0100

Richard Wilson wrote:
>Move aside AOL and Hotmail, is all I can say.
>...And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>} You just did two very stupid things: 1) You forgot to do at least a two-line grovel. 2) You mentioned wanting to kill me.
>}ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
>} ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>}OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
>}OOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
>}TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
>}TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
>}TTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>}!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**************************************
>}**!
>}**!
>} _____________________________________________________________________
>} You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
>} Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://xxx.juno.xxx
>} Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]

Above, we have a very interesting graph of ZOT intensity against time, recorded during a recent zotting of a supplicant from the darker regions of AOL.

Notice that far from emitting a stable current, as one might expect, the Zot intensity varies quite substantially as the zotting progresses. This observation could be attributable to a number of factors, including but not limited to:

  • Variations in the electrical resistance of the supplicant
  • Voltage changes within the staff of Zot
  • Movement of the staff during zotting, varying the air gap
  • Low battery power.

Although varying the zot current can cause entertaining convultions within the supplicant, it is generally recognised that the degree of carbonization achievable is substantially reduced. It is normal in such cases to recommend that the staff of Zot be returned to the manufacturer for maintainance or replacement as appropriate.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Subject: Re: When did Og appear?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/26

hmSPAMBLOCK.custard.bnsc.rl.ac.uk (Huw Morris) wrote:
>Og bang club on head. Og rub dirt in eye. Og need answer. Og ask Orr-ra-kul, why sky blue?

Thag here. Og pick up cobolt dust, rub in eyes. That why sky blue.

Otis, channelling Thag.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Oracularity #976-03
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/27

Vasilisha wrote:
> Anyone guilty of plagarism should be strung up by his/her gonads and used as Og's pinata.

Yeah, anyone guilty of plagarism should be strung up by his/her gonads and used as Og's pinata.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: 978-09
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/31

<tc36212.glaxowellcome.com> wrote:
> antispam.meloyelo.ptd.net (Craig O.) wrote:
> > Does Utah actually exist? Sure, I've seen it on the map, but does anyone actually live there?
> A conspiracy of cartographers?

Well... I once drove through an area that claimed to be Utah. It had the standard "Welcome to Utah" sign at the entrance, and a lot of scenery that pretty much matched what I'd seen in books and magazines. It was even located right next to Colorado and just to the north of Arizona. So I'm pretty sure it's for real. I must confess, though, that I was driving on US Route 666 (and as Dave Barry says, I swear I'm not making that up) as I approaced "Utah", so it's possible I was misled somehow.


From: (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: The Fish of a New Generation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.relitgion.kibology
Date: 1998/01/27

Here's an excerpt from a conversation I had with my six-year-old daughter this morning, while I was driving her to school (I am not making this up):

Alex: "Daddy, can you make my fish as famous as yours?" Me, struggling not to laugh out loud: "Well, I'll do my best."

She was very serious about it, and I believe she'd given it considerable thought. So all of you out there who know about my fish, please be aware that my six-year-old daughter ALSO has a bright red Siamese fighting fish, which will be, when it grows up, milligram for milligram, just as fierce as you-know-who.

--
Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.

From: David McAuliffe (davidmac.acronym.com.au)
Just don't let Don King hear about it...

Ladeez and gennelmen,

Tonight, for you entertainment, we preeeezent, direct from (insert some Las Vegas hotel here), the World Fiercest Creature Milligram for Milligram Title Bout, brought to you by Don King!

In the red corner, weighing in at a couple of ounces, we have Paul's bright red Siamese Fighting Fish!
<Crowd applauds, fish flip-flops around in corner...>

In the blue corner, also weighing in at a couple of ounces, we have the Kelly Offspring's bright red Siamese Fighting Fish!
<crowd cheers, fish flip-flops around corner>

Oh, dear. It must be time for another coffee...
.

From: (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Jeez! A couple of ounces? That would be HUGE for a betta. I haven't ever actually weighed my famous fish, but he's about the size of a 60-count shrimp. So, assuming a uniform density for most sea creatures, I would estimate his weight at 1/60th of a pound, or about 1/5 ounce. You're talking about a betta that would weigh what, twenty times the weight of a normal betta? Sheesh. I'd put one of those in the ring with Mike Tyson any day -- THEN we'll see whose ears get bitten off.
.

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk)
Noted, and I would be grateful if you could convey my awe at being able to follow up a post by the father of what is destined to be quite the most ichthyologically acclaimed daughter in history.

I had a six-year-old once, so I know how important these things are. Mind you, that was ten years ago...or twenty by my hair-colour clock...

From: (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
I'm actually thinking of turning this whole thing into a religion, and then all the major seminaries will have to teach classes in Comparative Ichtheology.

--
Paul, whose six-year-old daughter wants her bright red Siamese fighting fish to be as famous as her dad's world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish which is, as we all know, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.
.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Judging by the state of your palms and your failing eyesight, I think you may have misunderstood the term "seminary."

From: Gwyn Judd (I'm.not.here)
But still not as fierce as my cat.
.

From: David McAuliffe (davidmac.acronym.com.au)
Layyydeeez and gennelmen!

We have a challenge! The WWF will be in on this so quick...

(I'm just not sure if that's the World Wrestling Federation or World Wildlife Fund, tho...)
.

From: Robert Au (myshkin.silcon.com)
YM "WWWF." HTH!

From: Guy T. Rice (riceg01.TIGGER.STCLOUDSTATE.EDU)
Subject: Re: The Fish of a New Generation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/29

On Thu, 29 Jan 1998, Louis Patterson wrote:
|IIRC, an ounce is about 30 grams, slightly more. This is an avoirdepois ounce (a "normal" one)
|On the other hand, a troy (gold/silver) ounce is about 29 grams.
|This makes no sense when consider an averdepois pound contains 16 (a) ounces, but a troy pound contains 12 troy ounces.

The fact in itself makes no sense, but it can be used to make sense of other things. For example, take a Greek fighter in the 200-250 pound weight class. Now take a Trojan fighter in the same weight class. Unfortunately, since the Troy pound is so much lighter than the normal one, the Greek is going to trounce the Trojan. This is the actual reason why Troy lost the Trojan War.

Of course, most of the Greeks died while trying to sail back home, for various reasons outlined in many myths but quite possibly due to the fierce nature of certain species of fish...

|Incidently, a normal pound is about half a kilo

Actually, a pound is less than half a kilo. 1 kilogram = 2.2 pounds.

|and a stone is 14 pounds, or 7 kg.

That, of course, would depend on the stone. : )


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: The Fish of a New Generation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/31

John C. Mozena <moz.server2.mich.com> wrote:
> It's when I make those purchasing decisions that I'm really glad we have the 82nd Airborne and all those leftover Tomahawk missiles. Screw the New World Order, I want cheap gasoline and I don't care who we have to nuke to get it.

Oh, my god. This is the most clear, succinct, statement of US foreign policy that I've ever heard. Of course, OFFICIALLY, the Gulf War was not about oil...


From: Ami Skinner (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: 978-10
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/29

Ian Davis wrote:
> This is unbelievably sad. Imagine having to go through childhood deprived of such things. Next you'll be telling me that you never saw "Fractured Fairytales" or that you don't know the words to "The Three Little Bops."
>
> Ian [*], in mourning [**].
>
> [*] You know that 90% of your brain we're supposed never to use? Mine is full of old cartoons.
> [**] Nearly time for morning tea.

Put away your Kleenex and black armbands. I have the lyrics to the Underdog theme song tattooed on my butt. I actually DRIVE a Wacky Racer. I died my hair black with a white streak a la Josie and the Pussycats. I just bought my daughter a Scooby-Doo watch. Geez, people find out you missed a little Bullwinkle and Clinton's outta the headlines.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: 978-10
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/30

davidmac.acronym.com.au (David McAuliffe) wrote:
>zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>>davidmac.acronym.com.au (David McAuliffe) wrote:
>>>Paul, can you scan your brSff for us, please? About 93 different view would make things a lot easier... Oh, and by the way- what's its name?
>>I don't think he'd like being scanned very much, because the lid on the flatbed is pretty heavy, and he'd get squashed.
>No, Paul- I just wanted to hear about the struggle between Paul and Paul's world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish, which is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet, as you tried to get him on the scanner for the first time. And maybe the second...

Yeah, it probably would be kind of like trying to get the cat down into a bathtub full of water.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: 978-10
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/01/30

Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) wrote:
>It's noteworthy that during our merkin cousins' periodic bouts of self-flagellation with regard to how awful their TV comedy is compared to ours, cartoons are never mentioned. The only British product worthy of immortality that springs to my mind at this juncture is Dangermouse; the USA has a noble tradition dating back to Tex Avery and the early Warner Bros and no doubt beyond.

Whaaat??? Oh. My. God. It's a COMPLIMENT about AMERICA.

[Clutching chest in agony]

...you...bastard...aaaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh......

[Falls over]


From: Blade-Runner (black-dog.thecatgeocities.com)
It's ok, he was taking the piss. You've got nothing to touch Wallace and Gromit. Face it, you had it, but it's gone now.

May I cite at this point the wonderful classic Popeye cartoons and then compare and contrast the more recent low budget, made for TV abominations. If there were a cartoon heaven, they'd nickname him Spinnin' Popeye.

<sigh> only in America. Are you feeling better now? :o)



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