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1998 07 B.

From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/18

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Yep. I'm getting a "Forbidden" error. Make sure the file permission strings are set as:

So's everybody getting a 401 error. :(

>-rw-r--r--
>You can do that like thus:
>chmod 644 *

Yes, I've done all that. Even 755'd the directories.

Then I checked the List Of Student Homepages, and I'm not on it. Which worries me not a little. I'm sure very soon I'll discover I'm no longer in the telephone directory, my tax file number will be reassigned, my birth certificates will be destroyed...

I'm scared.

Tim "Scared" Allen


From: Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Nils Desle wrote:

> while(crowd==present)
> {
>     BlessedAreThe(meek);
>     for(;;)
>     {
>         they=ShallInherit(theEarth);
>     }
> }

> (note the lack of spaces between while and (, or the lack of spaces in the expressions... The scoping {} on new lines is holy and Not Up For Discussion unless you want to be smited. Hard.)

Blasted fourists!  I can't see the fourist for the threes.
while(crowd==present)
{
   BlessedAreThe(meek);
   for(;;)
   {
      they=ShallInherit(theEarth);
   }
}

From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/21

Kirsten Chevalier <MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu> wrote:
: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net) wrote:
: : At my Uni, they teach us an object oriented language (though not a real one) because in the workforce, we'll be likely to be using object oriented languages (C++, Java, Smalltalk, Objective C, etc...)
: Which is like offering a course on kissing managers' butts because that's likely what you'll be doing in the workforce.

Hey, do you want to learn skills that'll earn you a living or not?


From: lee1089.kettering.edu (lee1089.kettering.edu)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/22

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> (lee1089.kettering.edu) writes:
> >> > Basically, (and the same thing appears in Spanish and Italian) the words are the same gender as those they are supposed to please. So breasts are masculine because they please guys.
> >> Spain must be full of angry lesbians.
> > I don't think Spain even *has* any lesbians. At least I didn't see any while I was there. Although I saw lots of little housewives in the kitchen all day.
> And what, you think they just drink tea when they visit each other?

Nope, really strong coffee.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/27

Jim Menard <jimm.io.com> wrote:
>College was a shock too. Nobody on my freshman hall understood me when I asked where the bubbler was.

Bubbler? But I hardly even know 'er!

>For the Rhode Island impaired[0], a bubbler is a drinking fountain. The name comes from those water-in-the-bottle-upside-down things. When you pour yourself a drink, it makes bubbles.

You mean a... a... water cooler?


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

nils.desle.cegeka.be "Nils Desle" writes:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> > So the leader of the Roman Empire was Kaiser, not Caesar?

Sooner that than Czar, another word from the same root. So tell me, are we limbering up for a dead language pronunciation flame war? Can we bring in Greek and point out that Cyrus should be Kuros and Xerxes should sound like you've just swallowed a bug? Most importantly, why has nobody thought to mention "weeny, weedy, weaky" to put this debate on the proper scholarly level?

> Nils "omni Gallorum, Belgarum <something> sunt[1]" Desle

Talking of which, when Caesar invaded Britain, IIRC he was mostly fighting Belgians, who had invaded shortly before and occupied most of the southeast. This takes much of the fun out of telling Belgian jokes, you know.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Woo-hoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/28

Kimberly Chapman wrote in message <6pko89$76k.freenet-news.carleton.ca>...
> (asharka.my-dejanews.com) writes:
>> aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>>> Since it was the weekend, and since you've all read my posts about how I despise wearing bras, you can assume I was without one.
>>> And I certainly wouldn't wear Al's. He might need it himself, for all I know.
>> My pectorals are nicely toned, thank you. I don't need to wear one of Kramer's Kreations.
>Well, just wanted you to know that we'd all think no less of you if you were less than buff.
>But since you say you are, howabout oiling yourself up and parading around a bit in shameless male exploitation?

That is *so* insensitive! You're treating him like some sort of sexual animal for gods sake! Don't you care about his feelings? His mind? Are you only interested in his BODY?

ugh...I just don't think I can read this group any more. You shame and degrade *all* men with this type of demeaning comment--you--you--female chauvinist pig...

(Of course, you could make it up to us by showing us your breasts...)


From: Ben Fisher (ben.fisher.SPAMBUSTER.intel.com)
Subject: Re: Woo-hoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/30

Matt Kerbel wrote:
> What's all this talk about violins on TV?

Not only violins, but sax and violins.

Ben
somebody had to say it

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
In college drink^H^H^H^H^Hmarching band, the sexiphone saction showed up to a game with condoms over their mouthpieces. Pregame line-up consisted of the percussion on one side-line and the brass/woodwind on the other, or "bangers over here, blowers over there."

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies played the skin flute


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Zadoc Mishandeled
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/27

Just back from me hols in Canada ... ah, Canada! Land of copious waterfalls! Of even more copious insect life! And of highly comic currency (sign seen on a certain dispenser in the men's loo on a ferry: "Condoms. One dollar. Loonies only.")

Where was I? Oh, yes: just back from me hols and nosing through DejaNews to see if I've missed anything (chance would be a fine thing), I noticed someone pointing to the similarity between the Oracle's Zadoc the Priest and Handel's Zadok the Priest. This is, of course, no coincidence, merely an indication of my ignorance of the correct spelling when I originally coined the name. I try to appear cultured but give myself away in unguarded moments.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--At least I didn't think "A Doll's House" was by one Henry Gibson-


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> If artificial boobs do it for you, why just put jello in a ziplock baggie and have yourself a grand old time?

You should see what one of the drug company reps brought around a few weeks ago. It's a rubber breast, and you practice feeling for the lumps in it. Supposed to feel like the real thing, although it does not gel with my experience, so to speak. Still, makes for a great icebreaker at parties.

Ian.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
I wrote:
> You should see what one of the drug company reps brought around a few weeks ago. It's a rubber breast, and you practice feeling for the lumps in it.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Breast.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/17

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Do you put soap on it first? It's easier to do the self-exam in the shower, with soap everywhere.

I tried this, but my stethoscope started rusting and I found that I was cold for the rest of the clinic.

Ian.


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> You know, considering your various piercings and all, the concept of "baby bell" takes on a whole new, and potentially revolting, meaning.
> Please don't tell us what parts of you jingle.

Sing along children:

Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the waaay,
oh what fun it is to pierce a diff'rent organ every day, hey!

Nils "Falalalala lala la lus" Desle


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Again, then why are you interested in Pamela Anderson? Go for a real woman, with real parts! Pamela Anderson is like a broomstick with jello baggies stapled to it. And about as intellecutally stimulating, I'd imagine.

Hey, it's not as if I wanted to marry, or even talk to, her! I think you're just jealous we're not talking about YOUR breasts in this thread.

Besides, I simply needed a female with big breasts for the pun to work, and since every other thread in rhod is already somehow related to your chest, and I have no way of knowing if it's big enough to need cooling anyhow, I chose to pass on using you, and went with THE female representative for big, i.e. Pamela Anderson. And now this! Serves me right for trying to be different. Well, now even this thread is about you! I hope you're happy. <sulk>

Nils "New! Pamela Anderson shaped broomsticks! Get your man to LIKE sweeping the floor! If you buy one NOW, you get the free extra jello cup Z add-on! (batteries not included)" Desle


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Also Sprach Kimberly Chapman:
> So women who aren't as well endowed fell like there's something wrong with them, that they are undesirable, and they feel that to the point that they go and put what has amounted to somtimes dangerous chemicals into their bodies to make them appear to have bigger breasts.

The visibility of the endowment is a large part of the problem. Young men (usually late-teenagers, but often older) have a similar problem with penis size (as recent threads may have hinted.)

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
There you go again. I find that word "thread" very hurtful in this context.

The problems here are :

  1. Few blokes ever pop out their todger for a quick comparison
  2. Almost *no* blokes ever pop out their *erect* todger for comparison.

As a result, there are a large number (not as large a number as the women to whom you refer, perhaps, but a not insignificant number nonetheless) who are embarrassed by the size of their penis. They ignore the meaning of "average" and "erect", simply concentrating on "6 inches" (or whatever).

My own son believes himself under-endowed because he is only average, and usually so "turtled" as to be well-nigh invisible, in his opinion. This has lead to low self-esteem, no girlfriend, and if implants were as readily available as those for breasts, he'd be right in the queue. I await with trepidation the arrival of a brown-paper package containing some vacuum-operated contraption he will order in his naivety.

Don't get me wrong, Kimberly; I don't disagree with your view. I merely wish to point out that the underworld of male body-loathing is neither as well hidden as you might think, nor any less damaging.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA) writes:
>>> Martin, Martin, Martin. There are ways to clean fabric items without the use of modern technology.
>>> I refer, of course, to having Dumpcarat piss on it.

From: lee1089.kettering.edu
Now that he has his sprinkler attachment he is even more effective.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Ft. Ft. Ft. Ft. Ft. Ft. Ft.
Shshshshshshshshshshshshsh.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies want DMP out of their bathroom

>> D'you really think he could? I mean, with all those things sticking into and out of it and weighing it down, how could he possibly aim?
>Maybe the Dumpcarat action figure comes with an optional laser sight assembly.
>Just remember to run if you see the little red dot appear anywhere near you...

Oh great, just when I thought The Sharper Image would run out of stupid hi-tech gadgets, you guys come up with an idea for a laser guidance system for the heat-seaking moisture missile. Next: DMP will be equipping himself with "smart-bombs" for a trip to the beach.


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.nothanks.cableinet.co.uk)
Exactly *what* is so smart about arriving at the target site and detonating yourself? A *real* smart bomb would call in sick, perhaps move to another country, changing its name in the process, open a beach bar maybe and live out its days in safe anonymity.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/23

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Paul Andinach (pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au) writes:
> > Martin Dick wrote:
> >> Yoda always reminded me of Grover from Sesame St.
> > Same actor, IIRC.
> Frank Oz, I do believe.

Nah, Yoda was much taller than Grover...

Ian.


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: ANyone have this game?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/30

Tim Allen wrote:
> Oh, and by the way, anyone know anything about special defines one has to do to get anything basically network related to compile on SunOS?

#define IF_ONLY_I_HAD_WINDOWS_SOCKETS_WITH_FULL_HTML_HELP_FILES_NOW

Nils "I'm going to go to hell for this one[0]" Desle

[0] It was WORTH it! Muhahahaha! Satan, come to me! Oh, hi Bill!


From: Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Operating systems
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/26

asharka.my-dejanews.com writes:
> William J. Evans footnoted:
> \[I]
> \[II]
> \[III]
> \[IV]
> \[V]
> \[VI]
> \[VII]
> Roman C programmers must have had a hell of a time with arrays, especially without a zero.

Roman 100 programmers?

From: Erik Mooney (emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu)
And thus ends the life of what was the longest-serving keyboard on rhod.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Yes, but two weeks is not all that impressive by other standards.

From: William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm}
That's why FORTRAN was developed so early.


From: Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: To many references (was RE: Thanks to an Incarnation)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/22

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Do you know why female Jehovah's Witnesses have such small breasts?
> "Trg bss zl cbepu! <fubir ng purfg yriry> <"Get off my porch! <shove at chest level>>

First I laughed. Then I thought: "If I submit this to ahbou, what would happen if they ROT-13 encode it?". Next I heard the doorbell.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/16

Also Sprach DMP:
> Ah, you fantasize about TV's? That explains a lot about your personality...

(Assuming this refers to me...) What personality?

> (I am forced to point out here that even though I've posted two cross-dressing jokes today, I am not, nor will I ever be, inclined to wear women's clothes more than one day in a row, at least not the dress, the underwear are nice and silky and the shoes are very attractive, so aside from the underwear and the shoes, I would never wear women's clothes two days in a row, except occasionally when I'm going to something formal or something and the evening just calls out for a strapless black gown, and those oh so fashionable opera pumps, although they are really hard to walk in, so I never wear them to work, only out on the town.)

Did I ever tell you of the time I turned up to a company bash in a pink evening dress, matching tights and hat, fox fur and steel-toed DMs? The only embarrassing part was that my manager at the time, a nice lady called Eleanor, turned up in *exactly the same dress*! I could have died...

NB This is true.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
That's funny, weird, but funny. Did you accuse her of shopping at the same place?

By the by, what ever possessed you to go to a company bash in a dress?

it must have been:

1] A *very* liberal company
2] An attempt to get fired
3] A day you forgot to take you medication
4] All of the above


From: Malcolm Pack
5) None of the above

The invitation was to a Company Launch[0] for which business attire should be worn. In the evening, a dinner/dance. "Dinner Jacket or Evening Dress."

I don't own a Dinner Jacket, and the dress code seemed not to be gender-specified.

Anyway, I have a reputation to maintain. As do you. Fun, ain't it?

[0] Yay, rah rah rah, sell sell sell. <projectile vomit


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/20

Also Sprach <lee1089.kettering.edu>:
> > > Oh great. First the soup nazi and now the breast nazi.
> > Godwin's Law! Godwin's Law!
> Sorry, we've already proven that Godwin's Law is completely useless here in rhod, except for causing cascades.

Have we started again?

> (BTW, I fold)

Photographic proof required, or I insist you admit you merely bend.


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/24

Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk wrote:
> pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au "Paul Andinach" writes:
> > What is YES NO HELL?
> A Junoesque Christmas carol.

YES NO HELL
YES NO HELL
Juno go away
Oh what fun it is to drain
The question queue each day.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/26

Lars Raeder Clausen <elascurn.excalibur.daimi.aau.dk> wrote:
>Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> Ever drive up the side of a really, +really+ tall mountain? The kind of road where you look out the window to your right and you see a mountain, and you look out the window to your left and you see... nothing? And there's no guard rail?
>Hitchhiked to Provence once. Coming down from Mont Blanc, I got up with an Italian driver in an old VW minivan. Steepest strip of hairpins I've ever seen, and the only place I've seen a speed limit of 10 km/h, too. He drove 40 at the slowest. It's not good for your sanity to look almost sideways >out your window at wrecks a couple hundred meters below.

If you could SEE the wrecks, then you weren't on a REAL mountain. On a real mountain, the drop is too steep to see anything without getting out of the car and risking your life leaning over the edge.

And when I describe this scenario, I am thinking specifically of Red Mountain Pass, in Colorado, located between Ouray and Silverton. We stayed in Silverton once when we were going to the Telluride Bluegrass Festival. Telluride and Silverton are right next to each other on the map, y'know? But the map didn't show the mountain range between them, which necessitated a 50 mile drive...

The festival didn't peter out until about 1AM. I would have left earlier, but I was there to see Poi Dog Pondering, who were on last. This was after sitting out in the sun all day at about 11,000 feet
(um.. about 3400 meters) above sea level. It got pretty warm during the day, but by then it was COLD up there, and the fact that we were kinda sweaty from dancing didn't help. We were really too sleepy to drive, but we left anyway.

At about 2AM we hit a rock and got a flat. Fortunately we had not reached Red Mountain Pass. At about 2:15, the car fell off the jack. A few minutes later we were rescued by a couple of scary-looking drunk hicks in a rusted-out pickup truck. I had visions of "deliverance" as one of them commented on the case of beer (24 cans in the USA) he'd consumed that day. But miraculously they got the spare tire on the car without incident.

So, at about 3AM we hit Red Mountain Pass. Not only could you see nothing while looking _down_, you could see nothing at all beyond the edge, it was so dark. It was like driving along the edge of the earth, with the planet on our left and only open void beyond the edge on the right. Herds of deer make this kind of driving even more interesting, especially when they can't decide which way they want to go, or freeze in the headlights. And you're driving a tiny convertible that would lose badly in a collision with one of them. The myriad small animals crossing the road (racoons, marmots, porcupines, etc) were less of a threat, except in that they distracted us from what little concentration we had at that point. The speed limit was about 10mph on the hairpin turns, but I don't think we got much above that at any point through the pass.

Then, the hotel in Silverton was locked for the night. Nothing that a lot of pounding on the door and shouting wouldn't fix, though....

>-Lars "I did survive, though. I think" Clausen

I'm still not sure about myself.


From: Bill East (eastb.concentric.net)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/27

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Lars Raeder Clausen wrote:
>; Hitchhiked to Provence once. Coming down from Mont Blanc, I got up with an Italian driver in an old VW minivan. Steepest strip of hairpins I've ever seen, and the only place I've seen a speed limit of 10 km/h, too. He drove 40 at the slowest. It's not good for your sanity to look almost sideways out your window at wrecks a couple hundred meters below.
>You looked straight out the window, and you were looking +down+?

Glass-bottomed VW, no doubt. Apparently those are quite common in Italy.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: New Thread
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/26

G De Lacey:
>I once ate a Vegemite and chicken sandwhich. Has anyone else done that?

Finally. Something that doesn't taste like chicken.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Hey, Tom "Tom"!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/27

Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes) said:
: tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) scrawled:
: > Dave Hemming wrote:
: > >I've just visited your page of undigested answers (from the Oracle's list thereof), and I figured you ought to know - the background image makes them unreadable.
: > Yadda, yadda, yadda, you need to read Wired for a few months until you learn to handle this sort of thing. As it turns out, this background looks good on my system and apparently nobody else's. Which probably means that my monitors ColorSync profile is off. Or else that my vision is better than yours.
: I've read Wired. It stimulated some sort of "make up new technoword" part of my brain and nobody could understand me until it wore off.

I can't remember who described "Wired" as for folks who missed the boat but caught the bandwagon. For example...

: I still occasionally use "infobola" and "dystopiate" in management reports, though.

Yup.

dan, whose bright red siamese fighting fishies do not have pointy hair


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/27

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
> I blindly follow no one.

So, you wander around aimlessly. Welcome to my world. There are some magazines on the table; someone will be along shortly to remove your sanity. Would you like a drink while you wait?


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/28

Nils Desle wrote:
> Hey! This is a good occasion to go completely off-topic and start a stick-shift vs. automatic holy war! I'll start: I drive stick shift and anyone who doesn't is a poofter!
> Is it true that in merka, if you take driving lessons, you only learn automatic?

I can't speak for the youth of today, but way back when we had to avoid dinosaur droppings, my driver's ed consisted of practice on three different vehicles, one of which was a standard. I drive with a 5-speed stick truck today, and my last vehicle before that was a 4-speed Mustang Cobra. When I get to retirement age, I'll probably be driving an 18-speed. My bicycle has 12 speeds, does that count?


From: lee1089.kettering.edu (lee1089.kettering.edu)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/28

Nils Desle wrote:
> Is it true that in merka, if you take driving lessons, you only learn automatic?

Automatic? Stick-shift? what are those? Here in America we just move the little arrow thingie to the D position and then put our foot on the thing on the floor that looks like this:

       _____
     |   |
     |   |
     |   |
     |   |
     |   |
     |___|

Then when we want to stop we put our foot on the one that looks like this:

  ___________
  |         |
  |         |
  |_________|

and then put the arrow-thingie back on the P.


From: Lionel Lauer (longword.newsguy.com)
Windows user eh?


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/28

Nils Desle wrote:
>Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
>> Thanks, that's a _great_ analogy for explaining to people why I run Linux on a perfectly good Macintosh. I also drive a stick-shift, and the comparison seems appropriate.
>Hey! This is a good occasion to go completely off-topic and start a stick-shift vs. automatic holy war! I'll start: I drive stick shift and anyone who doesn't is a poofter!
>Is it true that in merka, if you take driving lessons, you only learn automatic?
>Nils "I said poofter. Hee hee." Desle

Yes, it is true that stateside they don't teach nothing but automatic driving, but if you're a real man you learned to drive a standard when you were 8 years old and your Daddy and Uncle Bubba got drunk while deer huntin' and shot each other so you get to drive the 4x4 out of the woods (through the mud, and heck while your at it this is so much fun lets see if we can cross the creek too!) and take Daddy to the hospital and Uncle Bubba to the meat processor's shop cause Daddy done field dressed him--and if you're a *real* man you insist on takin' Uncle Bubba to the meat processor's shop first 'cause you don't want him to spoil. (That's good eatin' there!)

I suppose if you're a **real** man, you field dress Daddy too, but I was only a *real* man...

(And the frightening thing is that this story is almost true. What did occur when I was about 8 was my Daddy and my Uncle Floyd were catfishin' and Uncle Floyd stepped on a treble hook that embedded itself in his foot and my Daddy was too drunk to drive so we made Floyd sit in the back of the 4x4 and my Paw gave me drivin' lessons as we drove through the woods and through the mud (the creek bed was dry, this being West Texas, so it didn't present no real challenge). It was my Uncle's 4x4 and when you're 8 that's a mighty big truck to try and handle, especially in muddy woods. I think I only hit 2 or 3 trees (I know I creased one of the back fenders pretty well) but everybody survived and at the hospital they wouldn't give Uncle Floyd any anesthesia 'cause he was drunk so he left, got more drunk and cut the treble hook out with a pocket knife (later the hospital sent him a bill for the hour we waited for a doctor that was like $200 and Floyd called 'em and said he was going to bill them for the whiskey he drank to anesthetize himself and the surgery he performed and that should come to about $1000 and they left him alone (he was just that sort of guy (he was the oldest of 7 kids during the depression in a family with no immediately available father (he was thus the surrogate father and it turned him into sort of an asshole (but a lovable asshole (he took care of everybody all the time, he was a great guy and I miss him (sniff))))))))


From: siirt.my-dejanews.com (siirt.my-dejanews.com)
Fuck me rotten, you write good. Print it, mail it, get it published man!
Richard, whose Angolan Peach-faced Lovebird had no such weird relatives, but would definitely have shot Floyd to prevent his suffering.


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/30

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> (siirt.my-dejanews.com) writes:
> > Fuck me rotten
> Yet another phrase I shall endeavour to avoid whilst writing love scenes.

"She felt his throbbing member press hard against her quivering body as she kissed him. Her bulging breasts heaving with unbridled lust, she whispered softly 'fuck me rotten'" -- excerpt from "Roving Rhod", by erm... F. Riet. Not published yet.

I dunno, it has a certain ring to it ...

Nils "I could get RICH this way! RICH I TELL YA!" Desle


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/29

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
> (TimChew.my-dejanews.com) writes:
> > *****Warning Warning Tim Chew was about to be a sexist pig, asd make disparaging remarks about women and their ability to drive a straight drive and change tires. Please forgive this intrusion, but I felt it fair to warn you. Besides, the last time Tim drove an automatic, he tried to put in the clutch.*****
> I admit I don't know how to drive standard. But I've changed my own oil and rotated my own tires before, f**k-ya-very-much.

From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Hey, my tires rotate themselves, every time the car moves! Big deal!

> I'm also a damned good driver, if I do say so myself. A tad aggressive at times, I admit, but never dangerously so.

Well, I came to the conclusion long ago that we were taught on an automatic was for the instructor's benefit. I mean, it's bad enough just to ride to the store with an new driver, but to sit in the car for eight hours a day? I remember how long I took to master a clutch. I had no choice, we only had straight drive cars at my house.

In the above circumvented post, I wanted to pander to the belief we had in high school about female drivers. Of course, such stereotypes tended to have gotten reinforced when a person, who happened to be female, locked her keys in the car, with the engine running and the lights on. She didn't believe anyone who told her first, that her car was in the parking lot running, then people were telling her that her lights were on. Eventually, her lights turned themselves off, too.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/28

Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be) writes:
>> Indeed. Chocolate warmed lightly and drizzled over nipples is lotsa fun.
> Don't DO that! It's only 9:07 over here, I'm at work[0]! I only get to go home to my woman in eight hours! Dammit!

So what? I'm writing a book full of sex scenes that I'm obsessed with day in and day out...in and out...in and out...

Oh geez, there I go again. Do you have any idea what a challenge it is to sit here and write articles about the latest Dell server or how Balisoft anD NBTel are working on a call centre project when all I can think about is the wedding night scene that I'll be writing this week?!?!

It's all I can do to avoid inadvertantly writing something to the effect of "And the luscious Dell POWEREdge 6300 has a smooth, sensual appearance, humming softly in its box as it chugs away at keeping the enterprise UP and running, input and output faster than antyhing Dell's offered before...so fast that it's positively enthralling to just think about...mmmmm..."

Somehow I think my editor wouldn't approve.

> [0] I'm compiling, arright?

Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Have the decency to take it to the washroom, man!


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/30

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> I made you a day? That's gotta be worth sumthin. Pay up, bucko.

I, erm, left my wallet in my other PC.

Nils


From: Jerry James (jerry.cs.ucsb.edu)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/30

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
> Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk) writes: [snip]
> > [1] Not that I am bi[2].
> I actually believe everyone inherently is, but it's late at night and I'm not going to get into why just now.

I have to disagree. After all, everyone knows that all sweeping generalizations are false.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> For some reason, there is something inherently erotic about fem-on-fem to most guys.
> OTOH, maybe we don't want to encourage Dumpcarat with anything new... : )

What, do you think he'll go and have the operation? It's nothing much: just slash, slash, and Bob's yer auntie.

Ian.


From: ossipewsk.cheerful.com (ossipewsk.cheerful.com)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
> (siirt.my-dejanews.com) writes:
> > Fuck me rotten
> Yet another phrase I shall endeavour to avoid whilst writing love scenes.

Ummm, good. I suppose. It's one of those non-sexual uses of the word "fuck" that lead to delightful (deliberate) misconstructions such as this, heard at a coffeeshop:

"Do you like travel?"
"Yes."
"Do you like sex?"
"Yes, of course."
"Good. Fuck off."

We fell about laughing, even my matriarchal old bitch of a grandmother, who once called Don Dunstan a poofter without knowing what poofter actually meant.

Cheers
Richard Fitzpatrick


From: Nol (nospam.golgi.isaac.net)
Subject: Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was this?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

Jeff Zeitlin (jeff.zeitlin.mail.execnet.com) wrote:
>There are things I routinely do with a stick that I won't even contemplate in an automatic.

I just had to capture that phrase.

Nol


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Smoking (was Re: Operating systems (was: Re: OK, which bastard was
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

Ben Fisher wrote:
> I had no idea exaggeration caused impotence. I'll quit immediately.

Well, I've told you a million times.

Ian.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

The other night I was drinking at a bar, and I met someone that I thought would *really* enjoy the Oracle and rhod.

I started trying to explain it to her, and for some reason I found myself sounding like a blathering idiot (of course I *was* blind drunk at the time). Since she gave me her e-mail address I sobered up and tried to tell her again. Again I came of sounding somewhat like a lunatic, finally I gave up sent a subject: help to the Oracle and pretty much forwarded her that message. I also attached several of the recent digests so she could see what people write. However, I think she may still think me insane (of course she won't once she finds out that I followed her home and now that I know, I approve of all her underwear (this is *only* a joke))

Anyway, I was wondering has anyone else tried to initiate the uninitiated?


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/01

DMP wrote:
> The other night I was drinking at a bar, and I met someone that I thought would *really* enjoy the Oracle and rhod.

Oh yeah, I can see how that would go:

"No, honest, it's sooo cool - we hang out and talk about er, cannibalism and poker and deja vu, we make up songs and satirise poetry, talk about poker and deja vu, and the Oracle. Y'know the Oracle's great you can ask it questions, 'cept you're not asking it questions, you're asking other people who pretend to be the Oracle and do stuff with woodchucks, but not all the time because they ask questions too, no I meant do stuff *about* woodchucks not with 'em - do I look like the Dalai Lama? No, not him, his pal Richard somethin', oh did I say the deja vu thing already? Hahaha, but really all these people (from *all over the freakin world*) y'know, Brits, Aussies, a Belgian, yeah hahaha Jean-Claude van Poirot hahaha, an' Canananada, yeah well, I know that's not the world but Denmark an' stuff. What was I sayin'? Nev' mine' so you wanna, like, *subscribe* or somethin' cause it's a blast just hangin'. Ooh, yeah there's priests n' supplicants too, Zadoc's not real or anythin' nor's Lisa, but the cascade's fine, c'mon in hahaha. Latin - how to pronounce "Caesar" - hehehe I pronounce the fucker dead as a doornail hahaha. What? No we didn' sacrifice him, it's not like a real religion or anything hahaha. Hey, so lis'n, you wanna see somethin' really *wierd* huh? Do ya? Shit, where'd she go?"

Great move, DM "Call me incoherent" P. Another PTSD victim in the name of rhod. When does she start, BTW?

> Anyway, I was wondering has anyone else tried to initiate the uninitiated?

Malc can own up to initiating me; then you can ride him out of the froup on a rail. Or eat him - your choice. I was already this way when he found me...

regards,

Barry


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: How Do You?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/08/03

Barry O'Neill wrote:
>DMP wrote:
>> Barry O'Neill wrote:
>> >really *wierd* huh? Do ya? Shit, where'd she go?"
>> That's *really* funny, namely because it is pretty close to what happened...
>Oh, I've served my time before the footrail. I left out the "Ah, fuck off then ya lesbian!" As it didn't seem appropriate in this instance. Drunken pick-up attempts are soooo cool...

Actually I wasn't trying to pick her up. Just clue her in on the fun around here. I've already picked someone up and I don't intend to put her down. This person is a good friend of a good friend who is so demented he'd take over around here (but refuses to share any free-time with make believe people). So I figured that, by associatiation, she must be pretty cool. Of course it could have been that I was in a heavily bizarre mood that night and she seemed to handle it with grace and poise.

See what happened was, after my buddy got there I walked up to their table and sat down. She gave me that look one reserves for strangers who are sitting down at tables at which they don't belong. I told her "Don't worry, I'm a friend of Dave's" and pointed at my friend, who's name is Greg. Well she decided that either I was insane or just interloper and asked me, "Oh, have you known 'Dave' long" and I said "Oh, yeah long time, <turning to my friend Greg>, hey Dave, how long have I known you?" Greg turns around and says "What time is it?"

So anyway, who knows.

>> >When does she start, BTW?
>> I doubt she ever will, she didn't respond to my e-mail, she's in a celtic band, so I'll know when she gets here...
>Spooky. I'm a banned celt.

How'd ya get banned?


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Intermission
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

A quick note: I'll be away for a while over the next couple of weeks. Speculate all you like, but (hint) I am not travelling. Do me a favor and don't post anything till I get back, OK?

Ian.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Ian's going into the Insane Asylum!


From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Well, I had a pleasant weekend, I think I'll seriously embarass myself now
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/31

Anton Hoexum wrote:
> I have always thought German was invented as a secret communication code for S&M lovers.

Reminds my of that joke (yes, another joke.)

This Frenchman, Italian and German were having a few beers, and they get to talking about their language. The Frenchman says "I say French is ze most beautifull language arround. Zjust listen to our word for butterfly 'Papillon'!". The Italian scoffs and says "Atsa nothing! Justa listen to OUR word for butterfly 'Mariposa'! Issa mucha more beautifull!" and the German shouts "Und was ist wrong with 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

Haha. Look, it's better when you can tell it and do the accents and funny voices. And have had a few beers.

Nils "Must stop telling jokes on usenet. Must stop..." Desle



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