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1998 07 a.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/01

Tim Allen wrote:
> Am I the only person who has heard of a cat called Cefa?
> (My parents say they knew a dog called Deefa.. but anyway)

There's a Deefa just down the road from my house. And my 4-yr-old daughter has a toy lamb, which I named for her: Legga.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/02

Tim Allen wrote:
> Let me guess... Hedfa the Galah?

No, Bruce the Galah. But Hedfa would be a good name for a mountain range.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/02

DMP wrote:
> Hedfa Mountains?

No, Hedfa the hills, ya prat.

Ian.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/07

Also Sprach G De Lacey:
> D for Kate

Takes me back a bit...

A for 'Orses
B for Mutton
C for Miles
D for Kate? Nah!
E for Brick
F for Vescent
G for Whizz

erm...

Any more for any more?


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

Also Sprach Blythe:
> I know there was one for W also!

From http://thinks.com

| The most complete reference on this topic is Comic Alphabets by Eric Partridge, first published in 1961. Here is the most common version, together with some variations.
| A for 'orses - A for Gardner
| B for mutton
| C for thighlanders - C for miles
| D for dumb - D for mation
| E for brick - E for Peron
| F for vescence - F for been had
| G for police
| H for retirement
| I for Novello - I for lutin' - I for the girls
| J for oranges
| K for teria - K for restaurant
| L for leather
| M for sis
| N for a penny - N for lope - N for a dig
| O for the garden wall - O for the rainbow - O for the wings of a dove
| P for whistle - P for a penny - P for ming fleas
| Q for a bus - Q for a song
| R for mo - R for Askey
| S for you - S for Williams
| T for two - T for gums
| U for instance
| V for la France - V for la difference
| W for a bob
| X for breakfast
| Y for husband - Y for mistress - Y for crying out loud
| Z for breezes


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Fourth of July
From: "DMP" <dmparker.usa.net>
Date: 06 Jul 1998 00:00:00 GMT

Well, here in the good-ole USA we just celebrated our most viciously patriotic holiday, the Fourth of July. When something important happened sometime ago that we now celebrate by getting drunk, driving fast and shooting dangerous gas driven missiles out our car windows.

I on the other hand decided to celebrate differently this year. I, and my beloved spouse, traveled to our local nude beach to get drunk, drive fast and shoot bottle rockets out of our car.

First off, if you've never been to a nude beach (and I hadn't before this weekend), it's actually pretty cool. Not because there are lots of attractive people to look at, there aren't, but because its good for the ego to realize that no matter how unattractive you think you are there is at least a few people who should feel more unattractive, cause they are. (Not having any formal training in nude beach etiquette, I kept laughing hysterically and suggesting we call the stranded sea mammal rescue team.)

Anyway, I want to clear up a few things, the most common question when people see someone with a body piercing, and particularly one through the genitals, is "that must of hurt!?"

Can't these people come up with a more unique question, I mean I must have been asked that 500 times on Saturday. The answer by the way is no, it didn't

Secondly, sand and salt does not get into the piercing and form a pearl, contrary to what I've been told here. I tried for several hours, but came home pearless.

Thirdly, apparently you can do pretty much whatever you want at a nude beach, you can have sex in public, urinate wherever the mood hits you, get drunk, shoot bottle-rockets out of your car, but you CANNOT defecate in someone else's cooler. That appears to breach the line of proper behavior, or at least that is what I think the people were screaming at me about.

Anyway, I love to get nude in the morning, it smells like....victory...


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Matt Kerbel) wrote:
>Malcolm Pack (m.pack....) writes:
>> Also Sprach Matt Kerbel:
>>> I get to use Fortran at work though! *whoopee*)
>> G'wan, Matt, show us one of yer Hollerith Strings...
>I'm sorry, sir, but I hardly even know you!
>(Hollerith Strings? I have no idea... I *use* Fortran at work, but I'm certainly no expert, and thankfully not a programmer either...)

Don't worry, nobody would ever accuse a Fortran user of being a programmer.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Tim Allen wrote:
>; >I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
>; Especially about subjects which we don't have in common - such a community atmosphere, eh?
>Hey! Didn't we go to different schools together?

You know, I think we did. You were a kid in fourth grade weren't you? Surely?


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
>"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
>> Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> [snip]
>> >only instance of the Dan object
>> Errrrhheerrrmmmm...
>> Onomatopeically,
>> Daniel, whose brSff are also object-oriented
>And the other Daniel (Parker{you know, DMP}) is also very object oriented.

He has to keep his "object" oriented northward, what with all the ferrous implants and all.


From: Bill East (eastb.concentric.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/11

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Paul Andinach wrote:
>; In Gofer, || is a boolean operator most often referred to as "or".
>Doesn't || spawn a command in perl?

Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!

|| switches most versions of perl into Teutonic mode. This is why in many scripts you'll see statements such as "|| die "Failure writing to disk.";

Strangely, though, der and das don't work as well.


From: Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/12

dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com was all like:
> : Odd that, how did Larry Wall determine that "Failure writing to disk" was feminine?
> FS errors are a bitch.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies want NFS put to sleep

Refresh me on the NFS problem, my handle on it is a bit stale.

From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
This *has* to be one of the worst geek puns I've heard. You really need to be shot or something. Man oh man.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
I refuse to mount you, Al.
dan, whose brigth red Siamese fighting fishies' mantlepiece is full.


From: William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} (wje.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/13

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
: eastb.concentric.net wrote:
:> Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!
:> || switches most versions of perl into Teutonic mode. This is why in many scripts you'll see statements such as "|| die "Failure writing to disk.";
:> Strangely, though, der and das don't work as well.
:Odd that, how did Larry Wall determine that "Failure writing to disk" was feminine?

Well, he saw something you didn't.

He knew it was feminine because of the period.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: ATTN: DMP (not really of interest to anyone else)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/05

gdelace.tpgi.com.au (G De Lacey) wrote:
>William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje.netcom.com> wrote:
>> Jim Menard <jimm.dillinger.io.com> wrote:
>> :surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming) writes:
>> :> thristian.usa.net (Tim Allen) scrawled:
>> :> > | "Arrest that man! He's wanted in seven states!"
>> :> > | "I guess `Dead' or `Alive' just wasn't sufficient, eh?"
>> :> I just wanted to say that this has been bugging me since you started posting here, and I finally got it today.
>> :> Boy, do I feel dumb...
>> :That's ok. I didn't get it until after you said that you got it.
>> That's ok. I didn't get it until after you said that you didn't get it until after Dave said that he got it.
>Thats OK. I didn't notice it until you all said you got it, then I noticed it and then I got it.

You mean I have something funny in my .sig? Whoa, hang on, yeah! Hahaha! I get it!


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/11

gdelace.tpgi.com.au (G De Lacey) wrote:
> William J. Evans <wje.netcom.com> wrote:
> > gdelace.tpgi.com.au (G De Lacey) wrote:
> > :My liver, on the other hand, is a correctly coloured, fine example of a large internal organ.
> > J.S. Bach would turn over in his grave.
> Er... Why?

If someone played on my organ, I'd turn over too.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/01

MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
>Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net) wrote:
>: I say we start some pure zen or non-sequitur threads (n.s. being my particular specialty). Or better yet, butter our toast with the glaced
>Please come home with me... I have Tylenol!!
>kirsten

A girl (I assume) is asking me home (I assume), and claim she has Tylenol. We did VD in year 8 at school, and learned all sorts of things unmatched until the advent of DMP. But I never heard of Tylenol.

Or perhaps Tylenol is a good thing? An imaginary friend perhaps? Will I be expected to let him/her taste my teacake before I have a bite?


From: Martin Dick (martin.dick.LIKEABLESPAMneis.com.au)
I believe this is in reference to the advert where a man and woman are in
bed, the man rolls over and says "Here are some Panadol (Aspirin/Tylenol/Whatever)"
She says, "But I don't have a headache!"
At which point he flicks off the light, and jumps on her.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/01

m.pack.... (Malcolm Pack) wrote:
>Also Sprach Tim Allen:
>> I say we start some pure zen or non-sequitur threads (n.s. being my particular specialty). Or better yet, butter our toast with the glaced words of the ancients.
>But surely, if you can rip directly from the source CD to RIFF using DAE, why is it so damned hard to put an MPEG encoder in the chain and go directly to 1/18-compressed data?

Because the lesser known water-bilby nests right there, under those rocks. Any attempt to lay piping through this area would destroy its last remaining natural habitat. If you look at this diagram I've just carved into a innocent bystander, you can see what I mean. And in conclusion, let me reccommend the lobster - it's wonderful here.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/02

thristian.usa.net (Tim Allen) wrote:
>I hereby declare that there's never going to be an intelligent, funny conversation here ever again. Thankyou.

I'm still trying to recall the last one that occurred to determine how much of a threat this is.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/03

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>> No thanks. I quit smoking cold turkey. Now I smoke ham.
>I would think that smoking fish would be more appropriate in this froup.

But how do they hold the cigarettes?


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/07

Tim Allen wrote:
> Have you ever noticed a correlation between messy handwriting and intelligence?

Yoz, J heue.

Jam.


From: Phil Culmer (heretic.spuddy.mew.co.uk)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/06

Reminds me:
What's the difference betweeen roast beef and pea soup?

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
You may never know until you get caught in roast beef fog.

From: Paul Andinach (pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au)
Sorry. I think I must have bypassed my good taste chip.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: We're not really net.legends...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

Also Sprach Jeffrey Kaplan:
> Did you hear about Lloyd Bridge's last words?
> "Ybbxf yvxr V cvpxrq gur jebat jrrx gb fgbc oernguvat."

What a talent, and what a loss. How many other actors were fluent in ROT13?


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/01

Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) said:
: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
: > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will get you Viagra for your birthday
: Did you hear about the dutch guy last week?

No...but I did hear a prostitute on some late-night TV show the other night comment that some of her older clients used it. When asked to describe its effects, she said "oh it gets 'em *real* hard, but it's sort of like Disney world. You stand around waiting for an hour, all for a 3-minute ride."

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if Pfizer will place ads in Crack-Whore Magazine


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/08

Tim Allen wrote:
> Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> >Which reminds me of the time I was in the Melbourne University Union Building and went past a shop with a sign advertising boxes of condoms: large $6, small $3. The girl in the shop just couldn't understand why the small boxes weren't selling.
> Hmmm.. How do you know she didn't know? Why did you go up to a complete stranger and ask them how the condom selling is going?

Tim. This is Ian. I thought you knew me. Could I *possibly* pass up such an opportunity?


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> I pretend to be normal.

You're not fooling anyone, you know.

Ian.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: 1029
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com) writes:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com muttered:
>>Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>> Paul Andinach writes:
>>> > You can pass on the question if you don't know how to answer?!
>>> It does go back into the queue, so I'm told. I flush any question about programming. There's no way I could answer decently.
>>So answer them indecently. That's usually what we're hoping for anyway. From a male standpoint that is.
> Especially if it's along the lines of, "Ooh, honey, your Fortran gets me *so* hot..."
> Hmm, programmer-oriented 1-900 numbers... Somebody could get rich.

We've joked about this at work several times, since most of the writers are female and we're writing tech stuff for a largely male audience.

Corky and the Juice Pigs have a song about phone sex girls and they improvise weird sex line stuff. I keep thinking they should have a verse along these lines...

Hi, my name's Betty, and you've called the Horny IT Professional Hotline. I can be your virigin or your SCSI slut. Flick my switch, I'll pull your power cord. You'll forget all about your PalmTop once I let you RAID my drive. My GUI slot is ready for your hot plug, so let's plug and play!


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: 1029
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/09

John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com) said:
: Especially if it's along the lines of, "Ooh, honey, your Fortran gets me *so* hot..."
: Hmm, programmer-oriented 1-900 numbers... Somebody could get rich.

1-900-HOT-VAXX

"Hey--what are all these *outgoing* calls from the modem pool?"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep an open port


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Vote (was Re: Just to be helpful)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/15

Ben Fisher (ben.fisher.SPAMBUSTER.intel.com) said:
: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
: > dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies flunked their random drug test
: Didn't they cram for it the night before?

That was the problem.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies smoke seaweed


From: G De Lacey (gdelace.tpgi.com.au)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/10

Bob-! <rhaje.epix.net> wrote:
> Chris Byler wrote:
> > dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> > >Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au) said:
> > >: The Australian comedian Simon Morley does a show called "Puppetry of the Penis."
> > >So where does the puppetteer stick his hand?
> > What does his hand have to do with anything? Didn't you read the name of the show?
> > (It couldn't be a very complex puppet, though, and you're pretty much limited to one puppet per puppeteer at a time...)
> Except for the TRULY gifted... err, talented? Maybe 'special'? I guess you'd have to be pretty talented to manage to do more than just make the thing stand there and move back and forth a little bit...
> Any man who could manage to get the mouth and arms to move could probably make lots of money doing, umm, 'other' things...

Reminds me of the recruiting agent for a freak show, who became rather excited when he miss-heard about the latest prospect. Imagine his disappointment when the guy turned up with a 28 inch dwarf who could play the piano.


From: Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/10

DMP wrote <about his penis piercings>:
> the gross part (I'm sure I've brought this up, <snip repeated, but grosser this time, barbell story> > Live, learn and avoid barbells, that's my motto.

Gives a whole new meaning to "pumping iron"


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/13

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>> And since when is a pogostick a weapon of mass destruction?
>Lay down here, and I'll get on the pogo stick and jump up and down on your back. Tell me how it feels, and be honest, this is for posterity.
>
>*boing*boing*boing*
>
>Hey...I saw that...you were watching my breasts bounce.

I got yer pogo stick RIGHT HERE BAY-BEE.

(This thread really belongs on ark.)


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/14

lee1089.kettering.edu said:
: LucFrench wrote:
: > I think it's safe to say the Juno Queue Drainer is back...
: At least the answer was on topic and had a small grain of wit attached. Much better than YES NO HELL. Maybe the JQD is in one of those 12 step programs...

...on a 10-foot pier.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are without peer


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Now _this_ is annoying...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/14

MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
>Paul Andinach (pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au) wrote:
>: What is YES NO HELL?
>YES NO HELL

You know you've been in rhod too long when this makes you laugh out loud.



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