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1998 06 B.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
>3 is the median vote, but it is not the average. You are only not affecting the score if your vote is the average of everyone else's. To make an extreme example, if everyone votes 5... well, you get the idea.

Wouldn't the central limit theorem have something to say about this?

>And I wonder why I have trouble making friends.

It's because you're not adding enough water to the mixture.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

jimm.io.com (Jim Menard) wrote:
>Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.SPAMBUSTER.intel.com> writes:
>> whose cat is, milligram for milligram, the heaviest creature on the planet.
>How? Does your cat have a local gravity field stronger than that of the planet?

No, I think I know exactly what Ben means by this. I use this all the time:

[Cat comes up and sits in my lap. Or I grab the cat and put him in my lap.]

Spousal unit: "Honey, can you come get this thing off the top shelf of the cabinet since I'm so short and you're so tall and I don't want to move a chair into position so I can stand on it?"

Me: "Sorry, there's a cat holding me down. I'm pinned down. Completely immobile."

Spousal unit: "Oh, all right."


Note: My spousal unit has learned this trick as well, so it has actually become a legitimate reason for not doing something.


From: Ben Fisher (ben.fisher.SPAMBUSTER.intel.com)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/19

Carl Gustafson wrote:
> davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au wrote:
> > Daniel Glick wrote:
> > > Unfortunately, I don't like cats. Oh well.
> > Quite nice with oregano though.
> Taste like chicken, too.

Oregano doesn't taste anything like chicken.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/23

Also Sprach asharka.my-dejanews.com:
> If you had worked nights as well, you wouldn't be in that position.

What position's that?

Huh?

Erm <unbend>, hang <untwist> on <unwind> a <remove foot> moment <re-invert belly-button>.

<peer closely>

Dammit, I was *sure* I had switched that WebCam off before I started...


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Thanks to an Incarnation
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/29

Also Sprach D.D. Ellis:
> My son has a cat. I named him O.W.O.F. - Orange Waste Of Fur. The name stuck...

We had an "orange" (i.e. Ginger) cat which we called FAW. It's unsurprising how few people we were able to tell that the name was an acronym for the punchline of the following joke (now superseded by events of a terminal variety):

Q. What's pink and shrivelled and smells of Ginger?
A. Fred Astaire's Willy.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Which reminds me:
Q. What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
A. Kermit's undivided attention.


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Howard Stern Answer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
> "Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
> >I searched DejaNews and you're right, Matt, it was posted here. 98/04/23, Subject 'Great Answer!', Posted by Steve-o.
> 98/04/23? Oh, wait, you must be from one of those "screwy" countries.

Naw, DejaNews just has a screwy way of dating articles. I personally believe taking them out and shooting a nice round of nine-ball is much better.


From: Pete Lee (p_lee.elias.decus.ch)
Subject: Play with your kids
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/24

Usually I deprecate sore-loser posts, but I'll make an exception for this one, partly as an antidote to the interminable ongoing stream of Orrie/Lisa/ Zadoc/ etc sitcom episodes, and partly because I think the incarnation deserves recognition for the deft touch with which he or she addressed what could quite possibly have been a half-serious question. The advice isn't bad, either.


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, who not only knows all the answers, but probably sets the test papers I've been ploughing through: is there life after university final exams or will it all seem a horrendous anti-climax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is there life outside this crib? How can one exist without a mobile hanging above them?
}
} Go to Kindergarten!? Is she daft!? I hate sharing and I hate Graham Crackers!
}
} Junior High School? But the big kids will beat me up and throw me in a trash can head first!
}
} This is the best damn prom that ever &$^.ing was, <hic>, and thar ain't goin' be a bunch of guys like...oh god, I'm going to ralph again...
}
} Is there life after university final exams or will it all seem a horrendous anti-climax?
}
} I do. (sheesh this is it, no more fun, no more nothing, what am I doing?)
}
} Waaaaaahh! Does this kid do anything but crap? I can't remember the last time I slept for three hours straight.
}
} Dead! Dead! What do you mean I'm dead! My kids aren't even in grade school yet!
}
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip home, a brain and a heart, you can keep the rest. Some friendly advice: Forget everything you learned in college as fast as you can. Locate the smartest, oldest person you can at your first job and tell them you'd like a mentor. DO WHAT THEY SAY. Good luck supplicant, everything is going to be okay. Play with your kids.


From: Kirsten Chevalier (MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Re: Sex, Drugs & British Law (was Prescription advertizements)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/17

Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) wrote:
: And I think I got your point -- I just vehemently disagree with it.

That could be the motto for all of Usenet, don't you think?


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Sex, Drugs & British Law (was Prescription advertizements)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/21

Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
> : Paul and Daniel are a pair of poo-breath bum-willies.
> Are not, poo-poo head.

Are, double-smelly spotty-bum. <tee hee - I think I found my level...>


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Annoying incarnations
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/25

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> Tom Clarkson <cainam.tao.sans.vuw.ac.nz> wrote:
>> DMP <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
>> : Anyway, I didn't mean to send spam, if I did I'm sorry. But maybe I didn't, maybe the program got incoming and outgoing confused. I'm still missing one or two questions I sent in recently....
>> Something or someone is definitely confused. I just did an askme and got what appears to be an answer to a Xena/Baywatch crossover question...
>Kinzler takes a few weeks off, and look what happens.

Somebody give him a page and get him back here. This type of thing can't be happening!

This system is mission critical, if it goes down now all hell will break loose!

Batten down the hatches! Man the lifeboats!

<Scotty voice>

She's got a br-r-reech in her boow, she's going doun and there's nothin' I can dooo abooot it!

</Scotty voice>

OK, who gets to kiss Di Capirio?


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Ew. Not me. I nominate any brSff.


From: Jeff Bowers (bowers.cs.byu.edu)
Subject: Re: 1025 rides again?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/24

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) writes:
> > Am I the only one who received digest #1025 in the mail today? Talk about deja vu!
> I got it again sometime over the weekend. Weird.

Obviously we got so distracted by the 10^3 bug that we completely neglected the 2^10 bug.

Speaking of which, should we worry about the year 2048? I'd better ask Orrie.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: EAT FLAMING DEATH, IN-JOKING RHODITE SCUM!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

LucFrench wrote:
>So, anybody got anything related to the Oracle, besides the usual UDM/Sore Losers and complaints about how idiotic the last Digest was?

Sure, I'll tell you a little story about me and the Oracle.

One night, him and I decided to go out to a bar, cause Orrie wanted to pick up some chicks and take them to a motel and "do them". I think Lisa was in Paris getting her breasts enlarged or something because Orrie kept making tit jokes in French but I had no idea what he was saying.

Anyway, we get to this bar and we order a couple of beers, I had something like a Fuller's ESB and he got a black and tan.

So we're sitting there, drinking our drinks and Orrie catches the eye of these to young girls, probably only like 18 or something, certainly they weren't old enough to be in a bar.

Anyway, he gets to come over and for some reason, he just blurts out "Wanna see my zot staff?"

Well the dark-haired girl gets all pissed off and grabs Orries black and tan and dumps it on him.

Well of course his white robe is now all stained with something that looks quite disgusting and I'm busy laughing, and the two girls are storming off.

Orrie, unable to contain his anger shouts out "Bitch!" and then for no reason at all he conks *me* over the head with his empty beer glass.

I ended up going to the hospital to have my scalp sown back on with 35 stitches and Orrie had to go buy a new $75 robe.

But the point is, it was fun. Boys will be boys. Of course, Orrie will be omniscient....


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: EAT FLAMING DEATH, IN-JOKING RHODITE SCUM!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
<Story snipped>

Man, that Orrie sure is a mean drunk, isn't he? I remember going on a bar crawl with him a couple of years ago. We were having a good time at the fifth establishment, Mitch's. [1] When Mitch, he's a good guy, but he's go a mean streak, noticed Orrie hitting on his daughter. I knew her from high school, so I'm allowed to talk to her, but no one else is. So Mitch comes out from the kitchen, and tells Orrie that he has to leave. Orrie starts to get really loud, talking about how powerful he is and the zot staff, which Mitch thought was really funny, 'cause he'd never heard of a zot staff. Orrie then says he'll pull it out, and reaches into his robes, and produces nothing. Mitch starts laughing, and Orrie starts cussing, because he just remembered that Zadoc had borrowed this morning to get rid of the mice in the cellar. About this time Mitch decides that he's had enough, and calls a couple heavies from the kitchen. Next thing you know, Orrie snaps his
fingers, and Ian and Otis are there, and everyone starts fighting. Me? Hell, no, I was gonna fight. I crawled behind the bar and was enjoying all the Newcastle draught I could drink. [4] See if I ever go out with him again.

[1] Featured in the movie "Bull Durham" [2]

[2] It was the bar where Tim Robbins was trying to hit Kevin Costner with the baseball out back. [3]

[3] There is no back door to Mitch's, it's on the second floor.

[4] Mitch stopped serving Newcastle on draught a couple years ago... dammit.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: EAT FLAMING DEATH, IN-JOKING RHODITE SCUM!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/29

Blythe <blythe.blythe1.demon.co.uk> wrote:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> >lucfrench.aol.com (LucFrench) wrote:
> >> This is a group for discussing The Internet Oracle, dammit!)
> >No it isn't, It's abuse.
> No, that's down the hall. This is being hit on the head lessons here, this is.
> <bonk>
> <aiieeee!!>

No, no, no, no! Hold your head like this, then go Waaah! Try it again.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: New low for the Oracularities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> You'll find a reason to calculate stats on pretty much anything, won't you? We need to get you a better hobby, dear.

Don't be mean.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: New low for the Oracularities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au wrote:
>> Ben Fisher wrote:
>> > Ian Davis wrote:
>> > > Don't be mean.
>> > That was an average response, Ian. Quite a deviation for you.
>> I'm sorry, I'll have anova try.
>Ok, I'll have another try too. Are priests still allowed to be incarnations? I would hate to think that Ian's wit is not available for "tell me"s. What if a priest got his own response to judge? I wouldn't want to miss something good if (s)he disqualified him/herself.

I seem to recall one of the priests bragging recently about being digested...but PLEASE don't encourage Ian, whatever you do. If you make him think he's got a sense of humor, he'll do whatever it takes to get in a position where he's allowed to judge the humorous content of something or other, and then it'll be all over.


From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (clemenr.westminster.ac.uk)
Subject: Re: New low for the Oracularities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/19

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au wrote:
> I judge them all the time when I vote and they have been selected, but priests do not review their own submissions for selection for the digest. And in answer to an earlier question, you can't get your own question to answer unless you cheat and use separate email addresses. This rather defeats the point of the Oracle though.

I once got a question I had basically written. I had encouraged a student of mine to send in a question, and later received it in response to one of my questions. After answering it, I later received feedback from a priest saying that s/he (forgotten) would have selected it for the digest if it wasn't for the big preamble at the beginning encouraging the supplicant to hand in his assignments on time.

Cheers,

Ross-c


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: New low for the Oracularities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/19

Ian Davis wrote:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> > Ok, I'll have another try too. Are priests still allowed to be incarnations?
> Too right we are. Although I don't have a lot of time for it these days. Not for incarnating either, come to think of it.
> > I would hate to think that Ian's wit is not available for "tell me"s.
> I have a special dispensation to do "tel"s, since I am a halfwit technically.

clerk: Are all your incarnations named Ian?
Eric: Look, are you going to give me a brSff license?
clerk: You don't need a brSff liscense, I assure you.
Eric: In that case, give me a wit license.
clerk: A license for your pet wit, Ian?
Eric: No.
clerk: No?
Eric: No, Ian the half-wit. Technically he had an accident.
clerk: You're off your chump.
Eric: Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or even to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Ian the half wit, I shall have to ask you to listen to this. Take it away, Ian the orchestra-leader.
Ian: A one, two, a one two three four!

Half a wit, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the wit has got to be
Vis a vis, its entitty. D'you see?

But can a wit be said to be
Or not to be an entirety
When half the wit is not like he
Due to some technicality?

La dee dee, one two three,
bisected wittily.

<A takeoff from the MP Fish License Sketch, but you knew that, of course.>


From: Sunburst (sunburst.neverest.starfall.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/26

Jeffrey Kaplan answered Kimberly Chapman:
>; I may be wise and worldly in the way of women, but I have no clue what the frig you're talking about here, but it sounds like a story of intrigue. Please share. : )
>Gr*b*r, aka B**rs*y (see Stig's post for the vowel exchanges), is a certified Net.Kook of the nasty/evil kind. He is well known, in some circles anyway. And not known in a good way. He's a royal pain in the >ass.
>One of his things is to "rate" ISPs in the area. He's so nasty about it, that for a while ISPs were using his "bad ratings" as selling points.
>The One True Kibo, OTOH, would fit in well here.

Nah, she deserves the whole story, long as it is. This is the history of a man, a religion he founded, and several imposters. Epic work follows, folks! Note: I originally wrote this with "didst" and "receiveths" and the like, then realized that this was being unfair to those who don't speak English as a first language and/or those who have not studied Middle English (or parodies thereof). Thus the epic contains parodied sentence structure, but the words are all modern English. If you want, convert them to the arcane versions for full effect.

Lo these many years ago, when the Usenet was young, did rise out of the mire a man known as K*bo, spelled that way due to the things which would happen were his name said aloud (spelled out?). For K*bo was wise in the ways of the net, and he did begin the holy grep for his name, and when he saw it mentioned, unspeakable things, usually in the form of crossposts to groups tended by his followers, verily did happen. K*bo has, among others, followers in the groups alt.k*bology, alt.exploding.k*bo, and alt.imploding.k*bo. His followers are solemnly sworn to crosspost as highly as possible, always keeping their home group within the mix, and including groups such as talk.bizarre for the highest amount of confusion.

And lo did K*bo then become included as a greater virtue in the net.legends.FAQ[0]. There are many other stories of K*bo, such as K*bo numbers, which predate "six degrees of seperation" studies by years. The mechanics have been lost to me save for the knowledge that K*bo himself was zero, and anyone who received email from him was 1. Anyone who did receive email from one with a K*bo number would then have a higher number. In fact, this humble historian is a K*bo 1 from an account long ago enveloped in the mists of time, and does not know if the designation is transferable. K*bo did also come up with a 300 line .sig for the purpose of trolling alt.fan.warlord wannabes, and has verily done so quite handily over the years.

Despite several false alarms, K*bo has remained a force to be reconned with on the net, and does have his own domain. Any who know the true way realizes that the only true K*bo does and has always posted from the account at world.std.com, the home of the esteemed Jeffrey Kaplan in this group. Oh, and the true Anti-K*bo is X*bo.

Unfortunately there has since been trouble in paradise. A vile man known as j*hn gr*b*r happened upon the net. Gr*b*r was a disbarred lawyer who had never won a case, and among his others tactics threatens to sue anyone who voices disagreement with him. He quickly rose in the ranks of the net kooks, and has been reviled repeated with Kook of the Month and other awards in the group alt.usenet.kooks.

For gr*b*r was a person of amazing stupidity and profanity. He is particularly well-known for posting obscenities and sexual innuendos to misc.kids and for accusing all those who would dare disagree with him as "homosexuals", "child molesters", and "hard drug users". He has posted lists of "homosexuals" and "pedophiles", the lists consisting of people who have cancelled his accounts or his posts or generally said he was a moron when he was listening. He has also been kicked off of many ISPs and OLSes, including the employer of this humble historian[1].

For he claimed to be the true K*bo and snapped up the username at several ISPs and free email providers, and has claimed to have invented the Internet. He has also posted as *SP R*t*ngs[2], and has collected himself an unholy group of followers who call him Dr. Gr*b*r and who flame anyone with whom he disagrees. He has tried to bully news feeds into adding big 8 groups which have not gone through the voting process and has also forged new group messages for same. He also runs his own news feed, which is badly misconfigured and is a story in and of itself; and often rails against the imaginary Usenet Cabal[3]. Thus does the false K*bo, not to be confused with the Anti-K*bo, work to destroy wherein the original K*bo at most worked to annoy^H^H^H^Hmuse.

For more information on those mentioned, search Yahoo for 'net legends faq'. You'll need to follow the link to Alta Vista to find working versions of said FAQ[4], though on Yahoo there are mini-FAQs for K*bo, gr*b*r, and b**rs*y.

Oh, and regarding the monastery: it is a group wherein sysadmins go to commiserate and to recover their sanity. Since it is indeed a dangerous place, to post there requires sacrifice: specifically that of a chicken which must be waved at the moderator. More than this I cannot say, and I fear I may have already said too much, and everyone who reads this will need to be killed.

-Cat

[0] A wonderful document which collected names of people who have influenced the net in ways both harmful and helpful.

[1] Not starfall.com, which is the domain of my husband's and my future business. If you do happen to stumble into the monastery you may be able to find my post regarding phone calls I handled from gr*b*r/b**rs*y after we discovered their account and nuked them.

[2] Sorry Jeffrey, but he's not gr*b*r. The one known as sp**db*mp is one of gr*b*r's groupies.

[3] tinc. fnord.

[4] The whole FAQ includes an entry for our very own Usenet Oracle, thus yanking this post on-topic in the last breath.


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/26

sunburst.neverest.starfall.com (Sunburst) wrote:
> More than this I cannot say, and I fear I may have already said too much, and everyone who reads this will need to be killed.

Well, pisser.


From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/26
<snip>
I once wrote a Perl script that imitated Mr. B.'s style. He was repetetive and nonsensical enough that a context-free grammar approach worked pretty well. Just give it a numeric argument, and it'd spit out that many sentences, each of which sounded just like him. It wasn't very well received; it was, as one person pointed out, far too realistic to be funny.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/28

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> wje.acm.org wrote:
> > sunburst.neverest.starfall.com (Sunburst) wrote:
> > :The original may have commented, but if so I missed it. I know gr*b*r has had to resort to posting that he is the original, which means someone has challenged him, but it could just be the followers of He Who Greps.
> > You mean the followers of _Him_ Who Gr$#%.^N0 CARRIER
> No, _He_ Who Greps would be correct. "He" is the subject of the verb "to grep". The clause "He Who Greps" is the object of the preposition "of". Now write it one hundred times.

(grumble) well ok, but what does it have to do with anything?
it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/28

Sunburst (sunburst.neverest.starfall.com) said:
: Jeffrey Kaplan answered Leo G Simonetta:
: >; Actually they are two seperate kooks. The both have individually won the
: >Omygod... there's +two+ of them? I thought they were the same person!
: Yes, I can verify it. [tale of woe]
: Tip, kids: don't do tech support for any ISP which hasn't kicked them off already, or if you do make sure you work on a shift where there's less than a 1 in 3 chance that you will be fielding a call.

Now why on earth would you actually leave the receiver on the hook?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies used to call one tech-line from other, and then all go out to lunch


From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d, alt.religion.kibology
Date: 1998/06/28

In rec.humor.oracle.d, (Sunburst), sunburst.neverest.starfall.com wrote:
> And lo did K*bo then become included as a greater virtue in the net.legends.FAQ[0]. There are many other stories of K*bo, such as K*bo numbers, which predate "six degrees of seperation" studies by years. The mechanics have been lost to me save for the knowledge that K*bo himself was zero, and anyone who received email from him was 1. Anyone who did receive email from one with a K*bo number would then have a higher number. In fact, this humble historian is a K*bo 1 from an account long ago enveloped in the mists of time, and does not know if the designation is transferable.

Any attempt to transfer or otherwise tamper with a Kibo Number will cause it to explode, killing everyone withing a 1000-line radius.

> K*bo did also come up with a 300 line .sig for the purpose of trolling alt.fan.warlord wannabes, and has verily done so quite handily over the years.

300? It's been about 1000 since I put it to bed around 1991 or 1992.

I think it was 300 when I first used it. I added to it repeatedly until it came close to 1000, then I stopped 'cause I figured anything >1000 lines would get dropped by some sites.

> Despite several false alarms, K*bo has remained a force to be reconned with on the net, and does have his own domain. Any who know the true way realizes that the only true K*bo does and has always posted from the account at world.std.com, the home of the esteemed Jeffrey Kaplan in this group.

Actually, from 1988 through 1990 I was kibo.rpi.edu (and various similar addresses, i.e. kibo.pawl.rpi.edu, kibo.rpitsmts.bitnet). I was one of The World's first customers in 1990, and have been kibo.world.std.com (aka kibo.world.com -- we own the "World" domain as well as "STD") since then.

-- K.
Whoops, I forgot to put an asterisk in it.
Waah, that ruins this newsgroup forever. Sorry.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1022
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/29

Also Sprach TimChew.my-dejanews.com:
> You sure?

Definitely.

> I do remember that one of the biggest rules of grammer was to go with whichever sounds better.

The biggest rule of RHOD is to bullshit with absolute conviction.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/30

It is my sad duty to inform this community that my daughter's bright red Siamese fighting fish, which my daughter wanted to be as famous as my bright red Siamese fighting fish, which is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet, died last Sunday, of complications arising from an unknown fish illness. Funeral arrangements were arranged by the American Standard Fixtures funeral home. The family of the deceased has requested that, in lieu of flowers, mourners should make a donation to their favorite ichthyocentric charity.

On Wednesday following the demise of her first fish, Alex purchased a dull purple-hued Siamese fighting fish. It turned brown overnight, and sank to the bottom of its bowl. Funeral arrangements for that one were handled by the manager of the local Petsmart outlet, which fortunately has a fourteen-day guarantee on its fish. We are currently awaiting the arrival of a new shipment of Siamese fighting fish at the Petsmart, since they apparently got hold of some sick fish with the last batch. We aren't mourning for the purple fish, since we didn't really have a chance to get to know him all that well, but if you want to make a donation to some fish charity on this one too, go right ahead.

--
Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish is, milligram for milligram, the fiercest creature on the planet.

From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. In Alex's brSff's memory, I am writing a check to ASSWIPES, the American Society of Sharks With Internal Pain from Eating Surfers.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
The deceased was cremated and served with chips and a nice Hunter Valley chardonnay.

Ian, who hopes that *this* time nobody is offended and who never foresaw the day when such a qualifying statement would be necessary in this group.

From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
I am.

<mumble>
Hunter Valley... indeed.
</mumble>


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/30

Paul wrote:
> Funeral arrangements were arranged by the American Standard Fixtures funeral home.

Don't you know that this could cause two problems?

1) If it was really dead, the alligators that eat it will grow to unusual size.
2) If it was just pining for the fjords and then recovers, the workers would have preferred alligators.

The following headline appears in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Frightened City Sanitation Workers Report Seeing BRSFF.O.U.S.

When questioned about the apparent loss of his lower leg, one worker had this to say: "'e 'ad a hold o' my leg, 'e did. Thought 'e'd ne'er let go!" Another worker corroberates this seemingly fantastic tale: "Lucky to 'scape wi' me life, I wuz. There 'e wuz, big as life itself. I'll tell You, I ran like bloody 'ell, I did. You never seen anythin' so fierce!" Both workers were sent to Crawford Long Hospital at Emory University, where one was treated and and the other remains in critical condition. As a side note, both are enrolled in the Professor Higgins' speech classes starting next week.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_histamine.mindspring.com)
Editor, Atlanta J&C:

I was horrified to read the graphic details of that poor sewer worker who was mauled by the brSffous last week. It's bad enough that we have to see this sort of thing on television all the time, now I'm being subjected to gratuitous violence by the print media. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

--
Paul, whose world famous bright red Siamese fighting fish can't figure out where to wear his black armband.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Obituary
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/07/01

Oh no, not again...

Malcolm Pack wrote:
> Language-Barrier Alert! Do Strines have "chips" and "crisps", or "fries" and "chips".

Chips and chips.

> Also, "ketchup" or "catsup"?

Sauce.

> And was the Chardonnay one of those nice Oak Cask matured ones? What was the year?

No, not one of those nasty old ones, I want a nice fresh wine!

> How did the fish taste? Enquiring minds need to know.

Had a nice bite to it.

Ian.

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Also Sprach Ian Davis:
> Oh no, not again...

Petunias?

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Yes, honey-buns?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies love pet names


From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/17

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> And I have breasts. I have access to breasts 24x7x365. You know you're jealous.

Those leap years must be a bummer.

Ian.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

"Martin Dick" <martin.dick.LIKEABLESPAMneis.com.au> wrote:
>But don't you love One Nation's solution to Australia's financial problems? 'Print more money'

That's not such a bad idea, actually, depending upon which country's currency you're printing. If Australia were to print up a bunch of Canadian loonies, they could sell those for a bunch of their own money, and it would be Canada taking the hit on inflation.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/19

Also Sprach TimChew.my-dejanews.com:
> Can we have this newsfroup framed as a good example of topic drift?

OK, you pay off da witnesses, I'll take care of planting da evidence and bribin' da Chief of Police. Bwahahahahaha!


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/19

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>I'd still be wearing panties, silly.
>Now, I'd be lying if I told you they're a sexy red lacey thong. What kind of sadistic asshole come up with that whole thong idea? Must have been the kind of asshole that likes being stuffed with cloth, I guess.

We call those "butt-floss."

I like Elaine Boozler's joke about thong bathing suits. She says they've had to outlaw them on some beaches because some of the women have been getting sand up in there, and they've been sawing themselves in half.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/20

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> So, don't wear one <a bra>. Unless you either go without a blouse/shirt or it's not opaque, no one will know.

I worry about you sometimes, Jeff.

Ian.


From: Blade-Runner (black-dogthecat.geocities.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/21

"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote some of this :
>Getting hungrier, Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>[snip]
>>I was thinking of either roasting or deep-frying you.
>Hmm, I am trying to reduce my overall fat content, so roasting may be better. Which brings us back to Spain again. (Full circle and more) The temperature in Seville in the summer was 100-120 Farenheit. (Dry, thankfully). I guess that means I'm immune to roasting.

Encyclopedia Galactica, 2256

The civilised facade that was manifest in the closing stages of the 20th century was already showing cracks. Just occasionally the archives show glimpses of the cult of cannibalism that came about as a result of the food shortages of 2030. One can only speculate at the level this practice has attained behind closed doors to allow such open and frank discussion in a public forum.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/22

Malcolm Pack wrote:
> Again, my underwear experience comes to the fore, in that I can guarantee that, while thongs of lace[0] are made, the bills which *really* sell are Grey[1] or Navy Blue[2], large enough to hold a small family car, and have a gusset which can withstand the blast of a small thermonuclear device.

Is there some reason for such a precaution, and is the protection from the outside, or inside?

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
After a few unpleasantries from others, I've decided to self-censor this post.

You see, after wimmin get to the age of 25 or so they
<snip>
and also, every
<snip>
and, as if that weren't enough
<snip>
pelvic floor exercises.

HTH.


From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/22

Tim Allen wrote:
> I'm beginning to see the beauty of text based interfaces.
> *The Terminal Room*
> Before you lies a vast, dark, cavern, with regular rectangular lumps on the walls. To one side, an amazingly handsome figure is sillhouetted against a bright cathode-ray based device.
> There is a nerd here.

PICK UP POCKET PROTECTOR

From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
The nerd grows restless when you pick up the pocket protector and begins heading towards you.
The pocket protector is made of white shiny plastic, it seems oddly heavy.

From: Jim Menard (jimm.dillinger.io.com)
OPEN POCKET PROTECTOR

The nerd looks at you nervously.
You open the pocket protector. You see:
A blue pen.
A black pen.
A mechanical pencil.
A vi cheat-sheet.

READ SHEET

From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
The sheet is covered with indecipherable writing.
You can make out only one line: "Global substitute s/textA/textB/g "
The nerd looks at you nervously.

From: asharka.my-dejanews.com (asharka.my-dejanews.com)
SINCE THE RE: "textA" IS NOT MATCHED ANYWHERE IN THIS SILLY GAME, YOU CALM THE NERD, AND SIT DOWN AT THE NEXT TERMINAL TO ANSWER YOUR E-MAIL, BECOME ANGRY AND ZOT EVERYTING IN SIGHT MUTTERING Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamety Spam!


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/23

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> > So do you have a thing for mummies?
> Ewww! An oedipus complex.

Oedipus, schmoedipus, as long as he loves his mother.

Ian.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Sore Losers Digest (long, ~700 lines)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/25

Tom Konrad wrote:
>There are not that many sore luser posts. Besides, if we go rid of sore losers, there would be even less here which still related to the Oracle. Might as well create rec.humor.oracle.d.cascades. Not that the cascades can't be funny, but sore losers can also be funny.

This has come up again and again. People complaining that so few posts here are on topic. But remember folks we're all creative types, at least most of us are, trapped in a technological world. By using this venue to "stretch" our humor muscles we increase our talents and therefore our abilities to contribute good Oraclarities.

Beyond that, it gives us fodder, a common humor ground (aka "in jokes") that help us to enjoy this game we're playing. Actually not all of this common ground is in jokes, some of it is just knowing things about each other and about new people that we can play off of. I mean heck, I'm sure none of you ever thought about going to get a body piercing before I got here and now how many of you have them? <snicker>

Moreover, the things that take place here, often not about the Oracle, are good learning experiences about the Oracle, more and more little hints about proper posts, funny stuff, history, etc. Take for example the question I posed some months back about "what's the big deal about lemurs". I was serious, I didn't know, but someone directed me to an FAQ that taught me a lot of frink. That conversation was not about the Oracle, someone had threatened to bring back the lemurs if someone didn't stop doing something.

I consider this a social environment, I believe the very social structure itself is about the Oracle. We're the people who love doing it, have fun doing it, and want to do it. That's why we're here. I suppose I am really saying the name of this groups should be rec.humor.oracle.fans but I think we're fine with what we've got.

I'll shut up for now, but not until someone tells me why the lady from Romper Room got into trouble. <mumble, I'll go ask the damn Oracle, buncha rotten bastards>


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Sore Losers Digest (long, ~700 lines)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/26

asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
>"DMP" wrote:
>> Thanks, and the ring does stay. It is permanent. (I can't wait till I'm an old-geezer!)
>
>I just _know_ I'll be sorry for this.
>I'm not gonna ask him, YOU ask him.
>No way, it's your turn.
>I know, let's get Mikey, he'll ask anything.
>
>Why? What happens when you get to be an "old-geezer"?

Nothing, I just think it will be fun to put my wee-wee out and chase old ladies around in the nursing home...


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Sore Losers Digest (long, ~700 lines)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/29

DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
: Well, here's an interesting tid-bit. Not only have I had a ruler against my penis, I have also tried several magnets of differing strength on my ring.
: I guess this type of low carbon, surgical grade steel isn't really steel. I think it must be closer to chrome-moly because I never got any magnetic attraction...

Y'oughta come visit my NMR sometime. "And this just in...a man has been found suspended by his penis, spinning at 500MHz. While authoritites search for ways to extricate him, a small band of strange-looking people and fish have gathered and appear to be having a pinata party." Gives a whole new meaning to "inserting the probe."

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what DMP's magic angle is

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
It was OK till they applied the RF signal and started picking up Radio Moscow.

Ian.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/18

Paul wrote:
> But wait a minute. If you know the size, that gives you a clue about the velocity, doesn't it? I mean, the bigger the boob, the bigger the booboscillation during perambulation, and since we know that the booboscillation will be a periodic function related to the acceleration due to gravity, we can readily deduce the boob velocity from the boob size (and therefore position, as you made clear).

Dear God, man, don't talk about periodic functions in this context! She'll kill you! It's a particular quark of hers. Anyway, your observation is only approximately correct for boobs of greater than subatomic size. When you get down to the breast fundamental particle (the fwooron) then quantum phenomena take over. This explains one observation seen at a macroscopic level that is not adequately explained by your approximation: prepubertal girls have no apparent breasts, and then rapidly and at a more-or-less random time develop two at once. This may also relate to fuzzy black holes, but that is beyond the scope of this discussion. Anyway, these quantum effects influence nearby particles also, which is why in the presence of breasts you never know where you're standing or where you're heading, and unpredictable behavior is likely to occur. I call this my New or Revised Grand Unified Theory (NORG Unified Theory for short). It may not allow faster-than-light travel, but it has certainly made me see stars on more than one occasion.

Ian.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
I have reflected on this point further overnight, as I often do. This name is probably inappropriate as very little unification ever occurs. I propose the name Special Relatitty instead.

A few other relevant points:

The act of observation or measurement of breasts changes their nature. When breasts are moving fast, time seems to slow down. There is no privileged frame of reference, unless you're Kimberly. Don't ever try quantum tunnelling unless you have good health insurance. My wife's event horizon can trap me any time.

Others are welcome to bask in the reflected glory of my intellect by adding to the list, if you quanta.

Ian.


From: Richard Fitzpatrick (ossipewsk.cheerful.com)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/22

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA says...
>> You know, the *average* male penis is 5.5" long. (For you
>Yes, and the average woman is about the same length inside. Amazing how nature works this stuff out, eh?

But then again, a piece of research I was shown in med school in the 1970s said that, yes, 5.5" was the average length of the erect penis (or the length of the average erect penis, or the length of the erect average penis - I forget), but the length of the vagina (taking into account various ancillary bits of anatomy and the effects of tumescence and other "squidgy" facts) was about 6.25". Our lecturer (Dr Suzy Langlois, Flinders University of South Australia) said that, given there were (then) thought to be about quarter of a billion sexually active women inthe world, that meant there were almost 3,000 miles of "unused vagina" in the world. Several of the local Don Juans almost swooned, which was the intent.

Cheers
Richard, whose moggie is glad that the rhod requirements to support quotes are much less than in afu.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/23

Dave Hemming wrote:
>dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) scrawled:
>> James Rimmer (jrimmer.beowulf.ucsd.edu) said:
>> : You know, the *average* male penis is 5.5" long. (For you non-English-system-using fucks at there, that's *approximately* 12 cm.)
>> Even sex is adopting the metric system?
>I may very well be the only sexually active male on the planet who _hasn't_ measured his penis.
>For those of you who think _I'm_ weird, I just have to say, what the heck are you doing getting nekkid somewhere that you _have_ a ruler to hand?

Gawd, weren't you ever like, a teenager? For real.

By the way, since I *have* measured my penis, but only in English measure, I was wondering, could someone who knows how to use conversion charts help me convert 19" to centimeters??

<ahem>

From: Tom Konrad (konrad.acrx.com)
No, no! The middle one. That's your thigh.

From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes)
You appear to be using Man Inches, a unit of measure applied exclusively to fish, penii, and the chest size of a one-night stand, and then only when talking to other men.
The conversion into centimeters would give about 10cm.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/24

DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
: I can't be bothered to be walking around in the office naked with a meter stick just to verify the length...

I just measured mine...wanna borrow the telescope I used? Or you could cut the lens off and use as a magnifier.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies say "ohhhhhh...he wants to *focus*"


From: William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} (wje.netcom.com)
Subject: Re: Heisenboob's Uncertainty Principle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/26

pkrawczy.maxx.mc.net (Pete Krawczyk) wrote:
:I've had hundreds of "relationships" like that. They unload on me and I take it and yet they never think "oh, this is the man that I want to be with because he listens and pays attention to me."

It's a Zen thing.

Don't listen to them because you want to get into their pants.

Listen to them because you're genuinely interested in what they have to say.

The hundreds of women who want a good listener will get what they want. Because you're interested in what they're saying, you'll get your reward.

Then one day BOOM! You will have melted hundreds of hearts, and you will finally melt someone's body too.

Renounce the goal and you will achieve it.

Street Zen. Don't leave home without it.



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