Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

1998 06 a.

From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Purple People Eater! Want some DMP^H^Hinner?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/03

jerry.cs.ucsb.edu (Jerry James) wrote:
>Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.navajo.gate.net> wrote:
>> Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>> > Actually, this is incorrect. I'd settle for just one reality on Usenet.
>> Then you have to read through Dejanews. Only Dejanews is capable of collapsing Usenet probabilities.
>Do you think I could get a Usenet feed for this sealed box thingy I have here?

I can only flinch at what rhod would do to his aircraft's blackbox recorder.

"And moments before hitting the mountain, the pilot seems to have been attacked by some form of bright red violent aquatic life - or perhaps a particularly virulent form of poker..."


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Jarrett's Weakly Jokes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/05

m.pack.... wrote:
> Also Sprach Jarrett:
> > do us a favour and stay away
> Anything to oblige...

Arf. The prospect whetted my apathy too.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/01

DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
: Kimberly Chapman wrote:
: >Why would anyone need a penis-shaped dildo for religious purposes? What the heck kind of religion is that, and how do I join?
: I'm sorry, but that was just too funny. What kind of dildo is *not* penis shaped?
: I can just see the ads now: "Now selling our unique automobile shaped dildos, drive your love home..."

*ROTFL*

Sheesh, DMP, that oregano musta screwed with your brain. I've seen ones that are shaped like a whale and a woman.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think they'd better put warning labels on washing machines


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/03

dmacks.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
> : TRUE STORY:
> : One I was in school I was part of a group that wanted to bring a Georgia O'Keefe show to the school.
> : This being Texas, that sort of thing caused some uproar amongst the Baptists and they lodged a little protest. During the protest one overweight, Texas drawling hick kept saying that her paintings represented "female vaginas" (and the way he said it was hilarious "fe-MALE VA-gin-NAS).
> Anyone up for a late-night run to Bickford's in Seekonk (Mass)? There's some lovely stained glass decoration there, including a (locally-) famous illustration of what we think was supposed to have been half of a peach.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies miss that place

You should drive through Gafney, SC (sp?), they did up a watertower there to look like a giant peach. After a few years, some one added a leaf, I guess people were complaining that they were mooning I-85.


From: John (johndRemoveThis.IDONTLIKESPAM.deltanet.com)
This reminds me of some items in the university newspaper on our belltower and it's phallic symbolism, which made the quad around the tower into the symbolic pubic region. From this they concluded that the fraternity goons who congregate there daily represent crab lice.


From: Ariel Scolnicov (ariels.mangal.cs.huji.ac.il)
Subject: Re: 1023-04
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/08

"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> writes:
> asharka.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> > (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
> >> Tom Konrad <konrad.acrx.com> wrote:
> >> > Orrie wrote:
> >> > } You owe the Oracle the Windows 2000 Apocalypse Edition.
> >> > Aren't all versions of Windows "Apocalypse Editions"?
> >> What he meant to say is that you owe him a copy of the movie "Apocalypso Now" on videotape.
> >Do they invade the Caribbean instead of Vietnam?
> >Or do they play "Kaiso in de Hospital" instead of "Ride of the Valkyries"?
> Yeah, and instead of flying in helicopters they just do a really destructive version of a Congo line.

I love the smell of rum in the morning!


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Aussie names
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/12

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> If you have access to the Clari newsfeed, read the this article: <Qaustralia-nameURNIW_8uA.clari.net>. It's about an Aussie who's trying to change his name to, and I quote, "Prime Minister John Piss the Family Court and Legal Aid."

I haven't checked that, but at our last local and state elections one of the candidates was named "Neville Abolish Child Support And Family Court." I believe he is descended from the Abolish Child Support And Family Court's of Nottingham originally, but I could be wrong (*).

Ian.
(*) I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Some guy in BC changed his name in the last federal election to Theabove ZZnoneof. SO when he was listed at the end of the ballot:

ZZnoneof, Theabove.

I don't think he won, but what a way to go for a vote, eh?


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/08

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
>: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>: >So DMP^H^Hinner is wearing women's underwear?
>: Damn! I've been found out! I didn't think anyone would ever guess. Now I'll have to take off my nice flowery panties.
>fx: crowd roars 'put it on! put it all on!!!'

My mother-in-law is one of the most hideously ugly women on the planet. She can make small children wet themselves with fear and most dogs cower when she's in the room (and don't get me started about what happens to the horses!)

Anyway I once suggested that she take up dressing for a career (I was a wee bit boozy and not being real nice to her). She asked what I meant and I told her that you go out on stage naked and get the men to pay you to put on your clothes... (actually I've been to strip clubs and no matter how ugly or fat the stripper, there is always one or two guys who are too drunk and hard-up to notice or care).


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/11

Paul wrote:
> "Mike Jewell" (mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk) writes:
>>>Kimberly Chapman, BJ, BA. Trust No One
>> Surely if I shouldn't trust you, I should believe anything you've just said?
> Yup. You should verify your own facts using alternate sources for everything that anyone on the 'net (or in general, but especially on the net) tells you.

Surely, you can't expect me to do this after you recommend it on the 'net?

-Lars "Keep your laser handy!" Clausen


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/13

cierhart.ic.net (Otis Viles) wrote:
>Zan and Jana, I believe, the Wonder Twins on the DC cartoon "Superfriends." The typical spiel went:
><Zan and Jana make fists and touch their knuckles to each other> [1]
>Both: "Wonder Twins power, activate!"
>Zan: "Form of <something water based>."

"Form of K-Y Jelly!"

>Jana: "Form of <some animal>."

"Form of a fossorial rodent!"

>Zeke: (their monkey) "<gibberish>" [2]

Zeke lubes up and shags the shrew.


From: Otis Viles (cierhart.ic.net)
"And now for something completely different --"

Wait -- you've already done that.


From: neanderthal_og.hotmail.com (neanderthal_og.hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: I figured it out.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/12

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au wrote:
> Otis Viles wrote:
> > Yes, it *is* short on the subject of the Priesthood, isn't? ;)
> Otis, don't. You know the rules.

I just wish I knew myself. I was having a drink and speaking to some guy with a beard, when suddenly I came over all woozy. The next thing I knew it was five days later, and my inbox was full of Oracularities. I don't know if the big 'OMEGA' tattoo on my chest that appeared at the same time has anything to do with it.

Cheers,
Ross-c


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/07

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) writes:
>> We proudly wear women's clothing...
>Me too. I'm wearing women's panties right now.

Oooooh. I bet you're wearing them UNDER your clothing, too, so nobody will know.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/11

Carl Gustafson wrote in message ...
>zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com wrote:
>> aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>> >Oh, you all know you want the pictures of me wearing my strap-on dildo and
>> This made me wonder about other means of attachment. Velcro? Solder? Thumbtacks? Molly bolts?
>Expansion bolts? Wing nuts?

Rivets? Arc-welding? Bone Grafting? (hehehehe--get it bone grafting, hehehehehehe)


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/14

Nathan D Green (ngreen.plains.NoDak.edu) writes:
> Nathan Green, whose BRSFF exploded after eating pop-rocks and soda at the same time.

LOL!

Whenever my mom wanted us kids to not do something, she'd tell us that a kid in Toronto (we lived outside the city) died from it. Don't put a balloon near your mouth, 'cause a kid in Toronto died when he did that and a piece of rubber flew into his throat and he suffocated. Don't drink Coke and eat pop rocks at the same time, because a kid in Toront died when his guts exploded after doing that. Actually, she had quite the paranoia about pop rocks in general, and we weren't allowed to eat them at all, just in case we'd eat to many and explode our throats.

So we'd sneak-eat them. They were disgusting, but yummier for the naughtiness of it.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/15

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Sorry for not being "up" on my wanking euphemisms. :)

That's OK, at least you don't beat around the bush.

Ian.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Sending "ask me"s
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/09

xx wrote:
>zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com wrote:
>> I recently acquired a new aquarium, and I'm really psyched. I haven't had an aquarium in my home for years (well, at least not one bigger than about a quart in size), and you can betcha I'll have me one honkin' big plec in there, and maybe a Pimelodus pictus or two. And angelfish. Yeah. And a whole herd of neon tetras. But you can forget the tiger barbs. Those bastards would kill your mom.
>Take your choice - a Pimelodus or a whole herd of neon tetras. With a Pim, neons are just flashy sushi.

What part of "live entertainment" did you not understand?


From: Ami (askinner.ALL_THAT_EVIL!gbconsulting.com)
Subject: Re: Sending "ask me"s
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/09

Paul wrote:
>xx wrote:
> >1) Ok, what's a plecostomus?
> It's a variety of freshwater catfish. I believe it's from Africa, but there is a very good chance I'm wrong on that one. They are so hideously ugly they've made it all the way back around to beautiful.

Not particularly on-topic, but speaking of large ugly catfish reminds me--do the folks in Georgia indulge in the festive sport of hand-grabbing? This is where you take an old washing machine shell or 50-gallon drum, remove the top, cut a hole in the side about a foot from the bottom, and sink it in about waist-deep water. Leave it alone for a couple of weeks. Then you wade out to it, block the side-hole with your leg, and plunge your bare hand down in there to fetch out whatever creature has nested in it, on the theory that these types of things are irresistable condos for big-mama catfish, and there is some big thrill to be had by personally wrestling it to the surface, not to mention the opportunity for painful wounds from their fins.

People who do this where I'm from are certifiably insane, since (a) the Mississippi River is about the color and consistency of a nice frothy cappucino (though it doesn't smell nearly as good) so the contents of your washing machine/50-gallon drum are a TRUE MYSTERY until you feel around a little bit and (b) other things besides catfish like dark little holes to nest in as well, like snakes and snapping turtles. In fact, I once met a man who found a turtle in his wm/drum. His name was Stumpy.


From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes)
Subject: Re: Sending "ask me"s
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/12

Jeff Bowers <bowers.cs.byu.edu> scrawled:
[snip]
> Incidentally, when they were trying to come up with a name for the Baseball team some well-meaning people suggested naming them after an animal important to trappers and the history of Utah -- The Beavers. I think they should have gone with it.

"Jesus! I haven't seen a Beaver get pounded like that since - "
"Remember, Bob, we're on the air."
"Oh. Well, it takes a big man to give a Beaver a licking like that."
"*sigh*"

Dave (Well, someone had to say it)


From: Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Oracle server down?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/15

Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) writes:
> kinzler.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) wrote:
>>MSN did not ever, to my knowledge or expectation, spam-block the Oracle.
> This is starting to sound suspiciously like a government coverup. Mulder! Scully! I need you in my office RIGHT NOW.

Paul, no! We can't trust them... they're part of it... After all, what letters to "Mulder" and "Scully" start with?


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Oh my oh my!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/14

Barry Dorrans (REMOVE_THIS_barry.dorrans.AND_THIS_connect-2.co.uk) writes:
>>Dave (Whose gran just died, and my house was repossessed, and my pet seagull exploded...)
> You had a gran, and a house and a seagull? I have to make do with rocks and blunt sticks. I can't even afford sharp sticks ...

Luxury.

We couldn't afford rocks and sticks. We had to get up every morning ten minutes before going to bed to plant a tree, dance about it until dawn singing hymns of growth so that by the next day, half an hour before we started, we could cut it down and take it to our dad so he could whip us soundly before sending us to bed without any dinner, just so we could repeat it all the next day whilst scrubbing the filthy backside of a man with a hairy butt who liked to eat at Taco Bell with our toothbrushes that were so worn they had but one bristle that was so rigid from years of miuse that if we used it to brush our few remaining teeth it would stab our gums and we would bleed so much that we would become dizzy and insane but still have to dance to make the tree grow.

But you try to explain THAT to young people today, and they don't believe you.


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Sure, Kimberly, go ahead and one-up everyone, before they've even had a chance.


From: Blade-Runner (black-dogthecat.geocities.com)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/03

Paul Andinach <pandinac.mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au> wrote:
>On Wed, 3 Jun 1998, Malcolm Pack wrote:
>> BTW, this is the only accredited use of "jelly" to refer to a species of "jam" in the Englidge Languish. All other attempts are travesties. Or transvestites.
>...but since Americans speak the English Language[1], they're going to keep on ignoring you...

I'm with you on this one. Buggered if I'm going to wear women's clothes to eat a bowl of jelly and cream.


From: JAF (jaf.jaf.nildramnilspam.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/04

>>BTW, this is the only accredited use of "jelly" to refer to a species of "jam" in the Englidge Languish.

I wish this were true, but rest assured if it's called jelly in GB, then it *is* jelly. If it's called jam it *is* jam. Jams contain fruit solids, jellies, though made the same way, are 'strained' to remove fruit solids. (Large ladies, and bosomy wenches, often elicit the exclamation "It must be jelly, 'coz jam don't shake like that!"). Quince and Bramble Jellies are strained. Quince and Bramble jam are also available, in the shops!
A refreshing beverage, like tea, made from Koala Bears, in the area around Liverpool, is served with all the 'bits' left in.....hence the saying "The Koala Tea of Mersey is not Strained!"


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/04

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
>> And the number one disgusting sandwich made with peanut butter:
>> 1. Peanut butter and pierced Texan guiche on rye.
>The meal of kings... well, DMPs.

Does this mean I'm king now?? Well, in response I want to say there will be some changes around here. First off the official language is now Swahili. Secondly, citizens will be expected to change their underwear 4 times a day, underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Thirdly there will be NO MORE poker discussions. Fourthly all men and women who are in the country will have to get their penis pierced, penises will be worn on the outside so we can check. (Apologies to Woody Allen)...


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/04

John wrote:
>Or, you can just develop weird tastes on your own (such as chocolate chip cookies with salsa (not as bad as it sounds)).

You know, I would lay any money on that not tasting as bad as it sounds...

>If you don't look at the fnord it can't get you.

If you don't look at the Chnevy it'll probably run you over...


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/05

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> You make tea from Koala Bears? Do the Aussies know?

Yes. It tastes a bit like spotted owl.

Ian.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (elascurn.humulus.daimi.aau.dk)
Finally, something strange that doesn't taste like chicken.

-Lars "Unlike Narns" Clausen


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/05

Paul wrote:
> And the number one disgusting sandwich made with peanut butter:
> 1. Peanut butter and pierced Texan guiche on rye.

Sorry. Real men don't eat guiche.

Ian.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/11

aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Kimberly Chapman) wrote:
>I think sacre bleu (sp?) and zut alors are mild curses. Someone told me

I consider them exclamations on a par with "good grief" or "golly!"

>once that most French Canadian swear words are church related...ie allegedly it's nicer to swear in English than to cry out, "Tabernacle!"

Holy Baptismal Font!!!! Incense Burner! Processional!!! Pew! Prayer Book!

Now that I've offended all the French Canadians, can anybody give me suggestions about what I can do to offend the rest of Canada?


From: Malcolm Pack
Move there?


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/08

Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.seminole.gate.net> wrote:
>Kimberly Chapman <aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
>> But she's swear in English, 'cause apparently to swear in Setswan was considered REALLY AWFULLY HORRIBLY RUDE, but to say fuck off wasn't a big deal. SO she's be babbling in a completely foreign language, and then suddenly exlaim, "fuck off!" or "oh shit!"
>My Quebecois roomate does the same thing. His whole family, actually. They all swear, in English, like sailors, right down to the 6-year-old youngest. That kid's kindergarten teacher must consider him such a joy.
>I'd ask for few choice French words, but I can barely swear in English, and most of my epithets tend to be short Latin or Spanish prayers...

I still can't get over the fact that Star Trek TNG got away with Jean Luc Picard saying "merde" on prime-time TV on what, two separate episodes? Of course, he never said some of the things they say on South Park. Imagine:

Geordi: "Oh my god! They killed Wesley! You BASTARDS!"

[Tribbles come out of the ventilation ducts and dismantle Ensign Crusher.]

Picard: "Merde."


From: TimChew.my-dejanews.com (TimChew.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Vegimite Online
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/08

zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com wrote:
> [Tribbles come out of the ventilation ducts and dismantle Ensign Crusher.]

Oh what a beautiful mourning...


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/01

DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
: >Y'all know how long it's been since there was an on-topic post in alt.sex.bondange.sco.unix or alt.sex.nfs?
: Ok, I can see on-topic for alt.sex.bondage.sco.unix (I've used that so-called product) but I have a hard time coming up with on-topic for sex and nfs. Unless you're talking about sluts shared around the network.

'Tis a very green sysadmin indeed who's never been screwed by nfs.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/07

<lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
> Ah, but the drinking age is much lower in Europe. In Spain it is nominally 18. I say nominally because underage drinking is about as serious a crime as ripping the tags off of mattresses.

You mean, the secret police kick down your front door at 3 AM, tie you up in a sack, and cart you off to a reeducation camp where you're brain-washed and programmed to become a remote-controlled trained assassin?

Or is it just in Colorado where they do that when you remove the tag?

I don't recall what the drinking age is in Japan, if there is one. It's obviously not considered to be a serious matter, though, as beer and whiskey are sold in coin-operated vending machines on the streets.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/08

Also Sprach Tom "Tom" Harrington:
> That's what you get for going on the Jerry Springer show. (Do they have that in the UK? Or are you still civilized over there?)

Not only do we get it on terrestrial *and* satellite stations (3 in total, I believe, but I'm not about to expend the energy to find out for certain) but he is due (or has recently been) in England to record some shows.

My wife used to be an actress, and now works with those differently-cognitive who are being "cared for in the community". She can't wait for the screening to find out if there's anyone on there she knows from either profession. ;-)


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/12

Lars Raeder Clausen wrote:
> Not totally true. Cocaine (if pure and clean and such) causes no other long-term damages than stomach wounds[1][2].

Except for that inconvenient sudden death thing, of course.

Ian.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/15

Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA) said:
: Mind you, next time I'll have to pull your testicles down and wrap them around your ankles in a square knot. If that doesn't make me seem too "butch."
: No hard feelings, eh? :)

After having that happen, I wouldn't think so.



Main menu 2