# 1998 03 B.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: I was left out of the Og-fest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/19

>Also Sprach Paul :
>> And by the way, we Irish are NOT descended from Neanderathals. We are, in fact, still Neanderthals.
>Neanderthals who are *not* descended from other Neanderthals. Hmmm.... (Grabs works by Darwin, Lysenko, Huxley et al. Speed reads them. Gives up)

Well hell, give us a break. With our limited brain mass we can't be expected to be experts in anthropology.

From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Luser's Digest
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/17

lawrence.4.osu.edu wrote:
> Timothy Chew noted:
> > "Surgical Steel" <surgicalsteel.mindspring.moc> wrote:
> > > }[4] This method is especially useful on women with big hair.
> > Or teeth.
> Is that women with big teeth, or just women with teeth? There is a difference you know...
> Mark
> Oracle Priest and so on
> Wondering exactly what the difference might be... Monica?

It's just that every time I see a picture of Monica smiling, I shudder, hold my privates, and think, "Ow."

Tim Chew, wondering how badly all this will be misunderstood.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
I'm not sure I get it. Let me see if I follow you on this. You see Monica Lewinsky smile, you run to the barracks, grab a bunch of enlisted men, and think to yourself "Ow." Why? What am I missing here?

From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (clemenr.westminster.ac.uk)
Subject: Re: Make Your Own Cable TV Descrambler
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/19

cheryl wrote:
> What exactly would a "descrambler" do?

Be extremely useful if you cannot make up your mind about how you like your eggs in the morning.

Subject: Re: I am not alone!
From: tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 25 Mar 1998 09:26:34 +0100

Ami Skinner <askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com> wrote:
> Well, hallelujah. I have found a spiritual home for my husband, who has been agitating for years to build a 20x20 structure in our backyard that I've come to refer to as the space-time compression chamber, since the collection of items he intends to keep there would tax the capacity of an airplane hanger. The short list includes a fishing boat,

I need one of those. I can't stand fishing, so it'd be nice to have a boat that'd go out and do it for me.

> a weight set,

Here's a tip to help you get rid of all this old junk: Take any of the other items to a large body of water. Attach weights from the set until the item sinks. Now you're rid of both the weights and whatever they were attached to, in one shot.

Do NOT do this with your husband, no matter how frustrating his junk collection may be.

> some tacky chrome-and-black-leather furniture such as might be found in a bordello,

Uhh... you mean that kind stuff's not cool anymore? Umm...

> all our garden tools,

Tip #2 on disposing of junk while the husband's busy elsewhere: Take the garden tools outside. Dig a hole. Put as much junk as possible in the hole. Cover. See how long it takes your husband to even notice that the stuff is missing.

Again, do NOT do this with your husband, as tempting as it might be.

> a complete carpentry outfit,

A complete carpentry outfit? That'd be a pair of overalls, some work boots, a T-shirt, a tool belt, and maybe a hat, right?

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
You forgot to mention the butt crack.

Builder's cleavage you mean?

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
If the carpenter's wearing overalls.... it'd have to be the mother of all butt cracks before anyone would see it. A butt crack that reaches almost to the carpenter's neck is a scary thought.

> fishing tackle,

"What is the Miami Dolphins' secret maneuver, Alex? I'll take 'sheds' for $400." > a pressure-washer, Thanks, but my pressure's clean. > a small collection of broken musical instruments, Tell your husband that if he'd PRACTICE a little, his audiences might let him escape with his instrument intact once in a while. > his unicycle, ...they might stop breaking his bicycle, too. > his collection of Reader's Digests dating from 1949, ditto National Geographics, You've got to keep an eye on those. Any time you collect that many Reader's Digests and National Geographics in one place, there's a very real danger that their mass will reach the critical point, at which point they'll implode on themselves and form a black hole. I'd recommend dispersing the collection as much as possible. If this is not feasible, Carla can probably advise you on how best to contain a black hole. On the plus side, however, a black hole would neatly dispose of all of your husband's other junk. > a 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air, At least it'd be out of the bedroom. > a pool table, This'll be useful in case you ever both lose your jobs and have to open a pool hall in the house to pay the bills. > his tennis gear, Ummm... PASS! PASS! > and a bubble machine. I tried to build one of these once, but I couldn't get the bubbles to keep from breaking long enough to assemble it. > Ami "would you throw that out already for God's sake" Skinner [Glazed look in the eyes] "No....might.... need... it... someday..... ... going.... to.. fix...... instruments..... start.. riding.... unicycle... read.. old... magazines..." From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) Subject: Re: I am not alone! Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/16 jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote: >Oh. I never did see the whole movie, just a could of pieces, like the Is that an American could, or an Imperial could? And I must admit, I'm embarassed to say I can't remember just how many mights there are in a could. From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) Subject: Re: FAQ clearification Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/16 gbroulet.cts.com (Greg Brouelette) wrote: >Howdy everyone: >Well, I find that my questions are being digested, but not my answers. I was thinking that perhaps it's because I may have mis-interpreted the FAQ. Specifically "Don't quote the question in the answer". But the FAQ also says that the easiest way to respond is to simply click the reply button in your e-mailer and write the answer. >So, which of the following two scenarios is correct? >1) >I receive the question : >minimalism? >I hit "reply" and my e-mailer says this: >> minimalism? If your mailer is set up to automatically quote the message to which you are replying, you need to highlight the text that is quoted and hit delete -- if you're using a PC. If you're using a Mac, I understand that all you have to do is think "delete from here to there" and it will do it for you. This is part of the reason I've never wanted a Mac, because I hate to have to wear aluminum foil wrapped around my head to keep the damned machine from reading my brain. Sorry, got a little carried away there. Did that answer your question? From: DMP (dmp.ihopethatyourspamaddresscollectiontoolchokesonthisaddresscrashesyourmachineandformatsyourharddrive.com) Those guys at Apple are so darn ingenious. Shame they can't market that somehow. You know: "Microsoft Psychic Connect '98 -- it reads your mind so you don't have too." Or maybe, "Microsoft Psychic Connect '98 -- It thinks, so you don't have to." You know it would do automatic completion of all your thoughts. Beep obnoxiously when you made an incorrect thought. And have some little character that looked like an animated potato head down in the corner of your screen saying. "If you think about running with scissors you might trip and hurt yourself." or "Purple and plaid clothing can give your co-workers brain-pain". And..if...you.... Wait a second, what the hell am I rambling about? How come no one told me that I was just jabbering like that? Did you all think I looked funny making a fool of myself by just ranting away at some unrelated topic? You know that's the problem with the world today--people think it's funny to see people make fools of themselves and no one wears enough moose antlers anymore. Not like in the good 'ole days when I used to walk fifteen miles in the snow, barefoot, just to check out a pair of antlers from the library in...the next..county... Oops. See, this is the thing. I went to this St. Patricks day thing yesterday and got kinda boozy and then stayed up till like 3:30 in the morning, but I had to be here (at work) by 7:00 cause I had a lot of stuff to do (and then everything went haywire so I had a lot more to do) and I am feeling sort of weird right now, kind like the room is floating around me and the monitor hurts my eyes, but it's a good kind of hurt, it makes me know something. Something like I'm sitting too close to my monitor. But I need to rest my forehead on my monitor like this or I'll fall forward onto the desk. Urg. I'm going home to sleep now. Unless someone wants to go party or something.... From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) Subject: Re: OK, which bastard was this? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/19 Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> wrote: > tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote: >> Has any one ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Has anyone seen the two of us in the same place at the same time? Has anyone ever seen me and the Oracle in the same place at the same time? From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) Subject: Re: OK, which bastard was this? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/22 Paul <zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com> wrote: > jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote: > >If so, it must be a side effect of having to wear that tin foil on his head so he won't hear the little voices from his computer any more. (Maybe he should try turning the speakers off next time?) :) > You got it backwards. I don't mind hearing the computer, I just don't want the computer to hear MY thoughts. I agree, which is why I used to wear a tin-foil hat every time I used my computer. The ironic thing, though, was that I accidentally built the tin-foil hat in the shape of a parabolic antenna. And it was August, so the hat made me sweat. The salinity of the sweat created an electrical link between my skull and the hat, and before I knew it I was broadcasting all of my thoughts over a 20-mile radius right in the middle of the FM band. Fortunately I was not looking at any naughty web sites at the time, but that didn't seem to matter to the enforcers from the Federal Communications Commission who soon showed up and confiscated the hat. They also arrested me for broadcasting without a license. Plus, everyone in the county had been basically reading my mind for a couple of hours. I had to leave the state, I was so embarassed. But I'd forgotten that the FCC drones had warned me not to cross state lines, and I was arrested again. If you're wearing one of these hats, Paul, please be careful. From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) Subject: Re: Microsoft Germs Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/24 rtd.notesguy.com (Rick "The Notes Guy" Dickinson) wrote: >strangeness.geocities.com.nospam (~Steve-o) wrote: >>Heh, reminds me of a (sorry for the cross-topic) Shadowrun game I played in a long time ago in which every brand name began with either MS or Mc. >Furrfu.... reminds me of the scariest potential corporate merger or acquisition: MSDonalds Well, you've probably never seen Ronald McDonald and Bill Gates in the same place at the same time, now have you? From: David McAuliffe (davidmac.acronym.com.au) Subject: Re: The question was too hard... Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/21 christgb.muss.cis.McMaster.CA (G.B. Christianson) wrote: >And all OS's do duck. So that's why percussive maintenance only works half the time. You have to sneak up on it... If it knows you're coming, it's got time for evasive action... From: Roger Strong (rstrong.yetmans.mb.ca) Subject: Re: The question was too hard... Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/25 Jeffrey Kaplan wrote: >DMP wrote: >; The simplest solution on a Unix box for any task: >; cd / >; rm -r *.. >; If nothing else it will free up some valuable disk space. >Make that: > \rm -r * One of my co-workers was on the phone, walking a customer through removing the software for a Star multiport from an NCR Tower. The command was "rm -r star". It took a full fifteen minutes for him to figure out why it was taking so long..... From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) Subject: Re: My first one - what do you think? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/20 jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote: >Paul wrote: >; Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote: >; >Daniel E. Macks wrote: >; >> I Felta Thigh >; >> I Eta Theta >; >> Zede Laida Shiksa >; >Don't forget Eta Pi. >; I was a GDI. >I was a GPF. Oh yeah, those unplanned pregnancies can ruin your academic career. From: DMP (dmp.thismungehasbeenabreviatedforyourconvience.com) Subject: Re: My first one - what do you think? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/24 Brad Heintz wrote: >DMP wrote: >> Paul wrote: >> >Well if it's margaritas you're drinking for breakfast, you can at least say you're doing it for the Vitamin C. >> >Unfortunately, I can't think of an excuse I can give for the cheap bourbon and jolt cola I put on my Coco-Puffs every morning. >> Actually I lied, I don't *ever* drink margaritas in the morning. I generally drink Bombay Sapphire and fresh squeezed grapefruit juice in the mornings. That gives me 100% of my vitamin C and 100 proof liquor all at once. >I used to do that, too, but I found that I couldn't appreciate the subtle flavors in Bombay Sapphire when I had morning mouth. Hence the switch to tequila. >> Then I like to listen to Tom Waits all day (but this tends to make me drink so much that I pass out by noon--fortunately I'm a systems administrator and no one notices when you're unconscious).... >Been there, done that. But if you ever do run into that rare situation where one wants a *conscious* system administrator, switch to Cypress Hill and add some industrial-grade stimulants to the mix. This has the bonus effect of making users reconsider whether they want you conscious. >Some days, it's nice to know that your boss doesn't read rhod. >- Brad "must be that other Brad Heintz, boss" Heintz My answer if I get caught will be: "There must be a million guys with the email address of dmparker.usa.net" From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) Most bosses would probably fall for it. From: DMP (dmp.idonthaveafunnymungeanymorecauseeveryonekeptmakingfunofmeandimsensitivetothatsortofthing.com) Subject: Re: My first one - what do you think? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/26 Jeff Lee wrote: >"DMP" <dmp.thismungehasbeenabreviatedforyourconvience.com> wrote: >> Malcolm Pack wrote: >>>And here I was thinking you were Epson's latest in intelligent dotmatrix printers... >> What ever made you think I was a dot-matrix printer? Intelligent or otherwise. >Maybe your username? >At any rate, at first glance, I thought he wrote "dominatrix printers". That's the type that abuse the users by printing things like "you sniveling worm, beg me to hurt you, you little creep" instead of what the user claimed to want printed. From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk) Subject: Re: Oracular Industries Inc: New Product Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/26 Also Sprach ~Steve-o: > Hmm... my first though was, "Would a virtual Og be more fun to play with on my PC than, oh, say, that Catz and Dogz program I have now?" I picked up one of those hideous CPU-cycle-eaters yesterday - Catz II. As a result of putting a stupid virtual Siamese and a stupid virtual Chinchilla Persian on my desktop, my PC has slowed to a crawl! Only one thing to do. Time for a CPU upgrade... From: DMP (dmp.thismungehasbeenabreviatedforyourconvience.com) Subject: Re: Oracle "Real FAQ" redux Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/24 Dave Hemming wrote: >How about Floyd? Is that Uncle Floyd (I figure everyone has one, at least everyone in Texas) or Pink Floyd? From: Dave Hemming (surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes) Well, actually the same person trying to introduce Michelle was also trying to introduce Floyd - her brother, a priest. Not a Zadoc substitute so much as a Darkmage/Otis/et al substitute. However... Actually I think Uncle Floyd would be a good addition to the Oracle family, you know, down home southern wisdom, dispensed in colloquialisms so off the wall that it makes you cringe (you know when he says things like "That place has more pricks than a porcupine hive" or "They was runnin' around like two turkeys in heat trying to catch a Spanish fly" or "That beer is hotter 'n bear piss in January"--you know that sort of thing...) He would be one step up the evolutionary ladder from Og. Or at least more modern... So write some Oracularities including some down-home wisdom from Uncle Floyd, and see if he catches on. Of course, this begs the question as to whether he's immortal, whether he's _really_ the Oracle's Uncle, etc. etc. Dave (Politely avoiding the "...or just some bum they let sleep in the computer room") From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net) Subject: Re: We're all just one computer... really Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/19 Kirsten Chevalier <MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu> wrote: > Well, if so, then some of us must be failing the Turing Test. > kirsten, who has witnessed this happen...it's not a pretty sight. Just take anyone who still holds an instinctive fear of computers, and introduce them to Eliza. It still blows my mind how seriously some people will take it. Even when its grammar starts falling apart at the seams. Does it bother you that when its grammar starts falling apart at the seams? From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net) Subject: Re: 997-01 question was not original (Was: Re: Digest #997) Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/27 David Sewell <dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu> wrote: : The Council of Champaign-Urbana decreed several years ago Was this before or after they designed HAL-9000? : that plagiarism in an Oracle question, "while abhorrent, is not ipso facto mortal, as Supplicants are well known for their loathsomeness, and it is in character for them to rob from the thoughts and words of others". Is it plagiarism if I can read people's minds, and have a hard time separating my thoughts from those that drift in from someone else? : Plagiarism by an Incarnation is another matter, ranking on the sin-scale roughly around bestiality with crustaceans. Oh, my. I would have guessed that bestiality was officially a sin. But it never occurred to me that they took the time to rank the sinfulness of bestiality with individual species. I'll have to get a copy of this document, it may be more interesting than I would have expected. From: Stig Hemmer (stig.pvv.ntnu.no) Subject: Re: Likeness of Oracle? Lisa? Og? Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/20 Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) writes: > converted. I still get complaints from people who can't find the Chronicles because I invariably forget to mention the URL (never heard of AltaVista?) Yes, I've heard a lot about Alta Vista, but nobody ever gives the URL... From: Og (og.cableinet.co.gondwanaland) Subject: Re: A born again rhod wit! Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/26 Also Sprach ~Steve-o: > >>> In that case, I change my "double" to a bid of 2 Scientologists and a > >>I'll see that, and raise you two Heaven's Gaters and an off-green Siamese fighting fish. > >Call. I've got three undercooked porkchops and a laxative. I guess I take the pot. > Not quite, I've got a full house - three "What's the Meaning of Life"s and two "How Many Licks DOES It Take to Get to the Center of a Tootsie Pop?" Not so fast! Og take pot. Og got many clubs... From: G De Lacey (gdelace.tpgi.com.au) Subject: Re: A born again rhod wit! (and now a very shaken one) Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d Date: 1998/03/27 G De Lacey <gdelace.tpgi.com.au> wrote: > Goodness gosh gracious me, I've started a thread. > Now I can participate in the world class wit and reparte that is what rhod is all about. > I can't wait to join this thread and match wits with the best of them. > OK Sam, here we go into the fray. > Sam: <pant><pant> > -------- > GW De Lacey > Who would let those giants live, if only he could lose this %$#. shining armour.

A short time later.

Scene: The smallest room in a small house in a small Australian town. The room is locked and bolted. Inside, a man and his dog sit huddled in strained silence. The other rooms in the house are in what can only be described as a state of bedlam.

The man and his dog flinch at periodic shouts above the din. Shouts of: "I change my double to a bid of 2 Scientologists and a Tim"; "I'll see Lisa and raise you a lemur"; "I'll see that, and throw in a Zadoc", are interspersed with crashes of what sounded suspiciously like pieces of furniture breaking on what sounded suspiciously like heads.

Man (between sobs): What went wrong Sam? All I wanted was a chance to be part of a group of the finest minds in the world, so I started a thread in rhod. Now look what has happened: the biggest, ugliest card game ever, thats whats happened.

It seems that this game is growing exponentialy, even as we sit here. I really don't believe it will ever stop growing. Listen! it sounds as if they are ripping the walls off the house to make more room!

All I can think of is that I followed the best advice I could get, and trained myself to the nth. That was probably what went wrong I guess. In following the Oracle's advice, I simply became too witty for this group.

Because of this, all of these once great writers and thinkers have now goofed off to play cards.

And its all my fault! The only thing I can be thankful for is that I didn't start a discussion about fine wine or www.hotsex.com. The consequences would have been unthinkable.

What are we going to do to set this right, Sam?

Sam: Woof Woof.

------------------
GW De Lacey.
Who thinks the Universe is very big.

From: G De Lacey (gdelace.tpgi.com.au)
Subject: Re: A born again rhod wit! (and now a very shaken one)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/31

Much later.
The biggest baddest card game in the world is all but over. A few stalwarts are still dealing and betting, but most of the players have gone home.

The man surveys the carnage. The house is all but demolished. Everewhere there are bodies, hopefully only unconscious.

Man: Well Sam, we've learned a lesson here. Never use power that you don't understand. If I hadn't start ed this thread, this card game would not have happened, and all of those people would still be hard at work thinking of witty things to send to rhod.

I wonder if rhod will ever recover.

Y'know I was reading a book written by a Spaniard. Seems there are giants on the plains. I've always wanted to fight a giant. C'mon Sam, lets go to Spain.

Sam: Yelp.

------------
George De Lacey.
Whose Liver and White English Springer Spanial (Sam) once tore the arms off a giant windmill.

From: Jrbarberi (jrbarberi.aol.com)
Subject: Tell me
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/29

You watching CNN world news. And now our special report from greece on the Celebrations for the Internet Oracle's thousandth digest.

Now our reporter who is at the parade right now...

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Tell me
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/29

"Thank you, Jim. It's a lovely day here in Greece, where thousands upon thousands of people await news of the one thousandth digest from the Internet Oracle. Though the Oracle physically resides in Indiana, the Greek have always been very enthusiastic about Him.

From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
No! That's not it! I said that many of the Oracle's followers are GEEKS! Not Greek! Geez, some people don't listen!

As you can see, people of all types and ages have turned up here today, with flags, horns and signs to celebrate this event. The Greek have always claimed that the Oracle should have kept to speaking greek, and all the signs are thus in greek. Most signs are filled with grovel for their beloved omniscient, some ask questions of him and the most enthusiastic exclaim their wish to be the Oracles sex-slaves. *harrumph* Unusually for a greek crowd this large, there has been few troublemakers. The police had to remove a few provocators dressed up as woodchucks, but apart from that, they are in such awe of the upcoming event that they behave almost civilised. Though noone knows exactly when the digest arrives, they are prepared to wait for days, if need be. Such is their devotion to this most knowledgeable deity. CNN World News, Athens, Greece. Back to the studio."

From: Anton Hoexum (ostinato.euronet.nl)
Subject: Re: Tell me
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/30

You've been watching our reporter in Greece, Lowkos Extraordinaropolis. Thank you Lowkos. We _will_ be speaking to the Oracle shortly, but right now we are talking to the ravishing Ms. Lisa Cudllewell, personal aid and longtime companion of the one and only know-it-all-no-really, the Internet Oracle. Ms. Cudllewell, you must be excited in this, the Oracle's finest hour.

Lisa: Well...

Is it true then, that Mr. Big O has gone all around the world? It seems to me, the Internet being, well, really big an' all, he must have crossed any border we can think of. I heard he's even been to the Netherlands (The monitor shows a map of Bangladesh). And Australia (Greenland on the monitor).

Lisa: Ah yes, the Netherlands. We used to have some good times over there, in Amsterdam.

Was this the time the Oracle was suspected of having used drugs while driving a stolen bicycle without wheels?

Lisa: Hell no! 'Cept for the wheel part. I was on the back seat. 't Was no Picknick, I can tell you that.

And what can you tell us then, about the woodch... Hold on. Yes! It seems we have a direct line to Indiana, where the Oracle himself will speak within a manner of minutes. Don't touch that dial folks!

From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Tell me
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/04/01

And now we bid wellcome to the very star of the day, the all-knowing, all-answering, all-ZOTting Internet Oracle. And Mr. Oracle, there are millions upon millions of eager worshippers waiting for your words throughout the world. What have you in store for them on this very special day (if you don't mind me asking you questions outside the normal channels)?

[Cut to The Internet Oracle standing in front of a screen filled with whirling psycedelic colours.]

Oracle: Not at all, Jim. Yes, it is indeed a very special day for us all. I'm very proud that so many are joining us here today (3.2 billion people, in fact, I had a question about it earlier), and I thank you all for giving me your support all these years. I thank you also for all the interesting questions I have received through the years, and of course the grovelling. And lastly, I thank you all for looking at these hypnotic patterns for long enough to become my mindless slaves. Just to test it, Jim, can you make sure that this broadcast is shown on all channels throughout the world?

Jim: Nothing easier, Oh Great and Wonderful Oracle, Without Whom the World Would Surely Wither.

Oracle: There. I believe we now have 4.5 billion viewers. The rest doesn't really matter, they're outnumbered and outgunned. Now, it is time to start the Everlasting Reign of the Oracle! And not a moment too soon. First, we dispatch the Marines to hunt down and horribly torture all woodchucks in the world! Muahahaha! Finally got the damn critters! And then the Great Educational Plan: All schoolchildren and students are to recieve no less than 20 hours a week of The Art Of Asking Questions, Grovelling I through XXII, and History of Our Great Leader, the Internet Oracle. A 70% tax on all sales and income will be paid to the Magnificient Oracular Leadership and Learning Organisation and Supplicant Caretaker (MOLLUSC). Each country will operate a filter of questions to be posed to the Oracle, failure to filter questions properly will lead to immediate nuclear retribution. All work must start with at least an hour of grovelling... [slow fade-out to black]

Teacher: And thus, dear Small Supplicants, it happened with the Glorious 1000th Digest from Our Most Fabricilious Master, The Unambiguous and Supremely Well-formed Internet Oracle [chorus of small eager voices: "All Hail Be His Eminently Omniscient Bee-eeing!"], that the Earth was made a better place for all Supplicants. Thus endeth the lesson for the day. Now go to your chambers and do 30 minutes of grovelling as thanks for having learned this.

Small Supplicants: Yes, Teacher!

From: DMP (dmp.munge.com)
Subject: Re: Tell me
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/30

Malcolm Pack wrote:
>Someone stole your penis????

I had that happen once. It takes weeks to get the insurance company to replace it. Typically they only want to pay the value at the time of loss and not true replacement cost. What a nightmare, my wife cried continually until they came through with the check, and then the first one I tried to replace it with was too small, so I had to take it back and a get bigger one and ....

Oh, you said penis, not pens, I thought we were talk about a place to keep cattle (before they're butchered and made into bar-b-que).

From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: New Subject
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/30

"DMP" <dmp.munge.com> wrote:
>Ian Davis wrote:
>>DMP wrote:
>>> >When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandad - not screaming like the passengers in his car. -- b.judd at domain xtra.co.nz
>>> Great now there's two of us with the same sig line. I'm so embarrassed.
>>Yes, and neither of you have attributed it to the real source! Jack Handey, wasn't it?
>I was told in another newsgroup, not so politely either, that the real source was Garrison Keillor.

Well, Ian is nothing if not polite.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/22

surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming) wrote:
>I've been on the net for over two years, and I have only the vaguest ideas what a BBS is.

Well, a BBS is typically an 80286-based computer with one or modems that you can call up using your 8088-based computer, and communicate with other people who have similar hardware. A blazing speed of 1200 to 2400 baud can be achieved in some of the more advanced systems available. Occasionally, these systems are connected to the Internet, a worldwide network that allows information to travel between 80386-based computers located on college campuses. The letters "BBS" stand for "Bulletin Board Service" which refers to the fact that, as with real bulletin boards, the computer bulletin board is made from cork and mostly contains information that should have been removed long ago.

From: Tom Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/30

Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> wrote:
: Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
: ; Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> wrote<in a question cascade>:
: ; > What is the sound of one hand?
: ; Lean a little closer, Jeff, and I'll show you.
: You broke the cascade!

<smack!>

Hah! That'll learn ya to cascade in r.h.o.d!

From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Thanks GW!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/31

tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>Louis Patterson <lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU> wrote:
>> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> > Blade-Runner wrote:
>> > ; I don't think this thread has any chance of invading Poland.
>> > Or Belgium.
>> I don't know; all we need are the names of some polish and belgian newsgroups...
>Uh-oh... shades of the legendary alt.tasteless vs. rec.pets.cats war. Or at least of the continuing barrage of alt.religion.kibology on rec.org.mensa...

Funny thing that one. The Mensans have lost, and they don't even know it.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/19

shipbrk.gate.net (Jeff Lee) wrote:
>tph.rmi.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>> Peter Ellis <pjie2.hermes.cam.ac.uk> wrote:
>>> So, what do you all think?
>> Ah, Brits. That should read "So, what do y'all think?"
>Ah, Southerners. Obviously, "So, what to you guys think?" (or, in New York, "...youse guys...") is the proper terminology.
>Of course, since moving to the South, I've had to amend my speech to conform to native speech patterns, because for some reason, women here take issue with being referred to by the phrase. :-/

My wife and I are both native Southerners. Not long after we were married we moved to Indiana for five long, cold, miserable years. When we first got there people gave us no end of grief over the word "y'all," since of course what they use up there is "you guys." After a few weeks we adapted fairly well, and were referring to the Hoosiers as "y'all guys." They thought it was hysterically funny.

From: Paul (zymurge_uvulating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/30

Carla Miriam Levy <clevy.spam.isnt.kosher.hussle.harvard.edu> wrote:
> <tc36212.glaxowellcome.com> writes:
> >> Let's kill a cow and have a bar-b-que!
> > Pig! You heathen! You're supposed to barbeque pigs!
>Calm down. He said "kill a cow and have a bar-b-que". Of course he'll use a pig for the bar-b-que. The cow thing is just for fun.

Too true. Here in Georgia we often ritually sacrifice a large frog just before we barbeque a pig. If we want barbeque chicken, we have to do a ferret. If there's one thing we Southerners know about, it's tradition.

From: DMP (dmp.munge.com)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/31

Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
><tc36212.glaxowellcome.com> wrote:
>> It's easy. Texas can't be part of the South, they make barbeque out of *shudder* beef.
>They also make fried chicken out of steak, though I gather this is not a Texas-specific detail. OK, so they make normal fried chicken too, but "chicken-fried steak" tends to catch the Yankees off-guard.

Actually, what *really* bugs me is when they sell chicken-fried steak and they also sell fried chicken, cause inevitably they call the fried chicken, "chicken-fried chicken"...What the hell does that mean? I know, it means we need to shoot the bastard in marketing (this is generally a good practice during any trouble-shooting (that's why it's called trouble-shooting, you go around, find those making trouble and shoot them). The standard order of trouble-shooting, is 1) is it plugged in? 2) shoot the marketing people 3) shoot the poor bastard working on it when it broke 4) randomly assign blame to someone who is out of town and plan to shoot them upon their return 5) shoot the Systems Administrator 6) hire a new Systems Administrator and pretend the problem never existed because it will take him six months to discover it, at that time start the procedure over...)