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1998 03 a.

From: Kirsten Chevalier (MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu)
Subject: Re: Oracle Stand up Trainers needed
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/09

Daniel Glick (expertool.msn.com) wrote:
: Either you have the comic talent of Jerry Sienfeld or the ethics of Bill Clinton.

This expresses a commonly held, but incorrect, stereotype about the Priesthood.

Merely boinking a Priest is not enough to get you into the Digests.

We're much, much kinkier than that.


From: LucFrench (lucfrench.aol.com)
Subject: Sore Loser (Billy Joel (Stranger))
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/11

(I was the Tellme)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Give us a joke, you're the Orrie man
> Give us a joke tonight.
> And we're sharing a drink called foolishness
> But I'm feelin' all right.
>
> Da, Da da didi da da, Da da da, didi da, Da dum
>
> [Cue harmonica solo]
>
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Insipid whistling]
}
} [Cheesy guitar]
}
} Well, we all have a face that we hide out all along.
} But we take them out and show them off in r-o-hhh-d.
} Some wield Zot staffs, some like Og,
} Some like Lisa, some write a song.
} They're the faces of the Oracle, and we want to let you see.
}
} Well, we all write out answers, but we never send in tellme's
} Though the queue will empty out, there are some who never learn.
} Why were you so surprised when all you sent in were askme's
} Did you ever the others see the queue-drainer in yourself?
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} I used to believe I was a great incarnation
} After all, I had been digested over twenty times.
} When twenty issues came and went without so much an answer
} It was then I felt the priest-hood kick me right between the eyes.
}
} Don't be afraid to send again.
} Every incarnation sucks
} Every now and then.
} You've zotted, why can't someone else?
} You should know by now,
} You've been YES NO HELL'd yourself
}
} You may never understand how the Oracle's inspired.
} But, it isn't always clever, and it is not always long.
} Though you'll have good ideas, you may never get to use them.
} I will just have to abuse them.
} You owe the Oracle a song.
}
} [annoying whistling]


From: DMP (dmp.ihopethatyourspamaddresscollectiontoolchokesonthisaddresscrashesyourmachineandformatsyourharddrive.com)
LucFrench wrote in message
>And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
...
>} You owe the Oracle a song.
>}
>} [annoying whistling]

You might of heard I run with the Oracle crowd
We ain't too pretty
and we sure ain't too proud
We might be laughin' a bit too loud

Aww, but that never hurt no-one...
Only the un-DI-gested die young,
That's what I said, ooonly the UN-DI-gested...only the un-di-gested


From: Sanford M. Manley (manley20.bellsouth.net)

He Zots you once
He Zots you twice
And still you believe
The Orrie's so fast you can smell the char
But you don't have strength to leave

You've been smoked
You've been burned
With a flash of blinding light
But you keep on grovelling
Cause he's got the answers
And you know he has it right.

Oh you crave to be digested
As you empty out the queue
He's so fast with that old Zot staff
You don't even feel the pain
You don't feel the pain....


From: Nathan D Green (ngreen.plains.NoDak.edu)
LucFrench (lucfrench.aol.com) wrote:
: > [Cue harmonica solo]
: >
: > ...
: And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Friday night I drained the queue
Saturday I drained it too
Sunday came and drained it out again
I was only having fun
Wasn't hurting anyone

And I answered all the questions right away

I've been stairing at my console screen
So long that everything looks green
Even answered woodchuck questions all the same
And you told me not to ZOT
But I still did so a lot
So you said that only proves my answer's lame

You may be right
I may be lazy
But it just might be a one-liner you're looking for
And late at night
I'll try an "askme"
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

-----

What's the matter with my Lisa reference?
"Can't you tell that her time is done?"
Maybe I should let Thag handle this one?
"Now that could be kinda fun.
Where have you been hiding out lately, Sonny?
You won't get digested till you mimic something funny."

Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new jokes
Funny, but he's still the Oracle to me.

What's the matter with my UNIX satire?
"Don't you know that it's over our heads?"
Maybe I should bash Microsoft Windows?
"At least thats a bit more widespread.
Nowadays techie stuff has gotten kinda weak,
You can't assume everybody else is a geek."

Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new jokes
Funny, but he's still the Oracle to me.

What's the matter with my old ZOT staff?
"Don't you know priests don't like that much?"
How about I just zot Zadoc?
"It's so funny when he says 'Ouch!'
Don't waste your money on an AOL account,
You get as much mileage from a Juno account."

Everybody's talkin 'bout the new jokes
Funny, but he's still the Oracle to me.

Oh it doesn't matter what they put in in the digests
'Cause they'll post them anyway, you see,
There's a new joke to use
If you just read the news, it all on USENET you see,
In rec.humor.oracle.d

How about a long, long story
where I mention all the priests by name?
"You could really make the digest easy
Just be sure your story's not too lame.
Our attention spans aren't very long,
So you probably better finish this song"

Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new jokes
Funny, but he's still the Oracle to me.


From: Daniel Glick (expertool.msn.com)

I am the Incarnation
And I know just where I stand
Another dating question
And another aching hand
Today I am your champion
You rate me as the best
But I know the game
You forget my name
And I won't be here in another year
If I don't make the digests

I am the Incarnation
And I've had to learn the game
The things I did not know at first
I learned by getting flamed
Ah but still the woodchucks haunt me
Still they want their way
So I don't get caught
with my hand on the ZOT
And nothing to say to the ASPCA
and I go my merry way.

I am the Incarnation
Been all around the net
I've sent all kind of answers
And led the rhod set
I never saw the faces
I don't remember names
Ah but so who cares
About what clothes they wear
If one can be a dog, seem just like Og
It all becomes the same

I am the Incarnation
I bring to you great laughs
I'd like to be a priest maybe
And sort the weat and chaff
But I've got to meet expenses
Can't spend too much time
So I got a job, I'm so bored I'll sob
But I've got to stay in line

I am the Incarnation
I've led the rhod set
You've read my laster answer
It's been posted on the 'net
It took me hours to write it
They were the best hours of my day
It was hilarious stuff
But more than long enough
And if they're gonna have a hit they've got to make it fit
So the priests cut out several K

I am the Incarnation
Everyone says I'm great
My jokes are always laughed at
Even when my punchline's late.
They talk about me in rhod
They post me to r.h.f.
But if I go cold
I'm no longer gold
I'll get put in the back in the killfile stack
Like another can of Spam

I am the Incarnation
And I know just where I stand
Another dating question
And another aching hand
Today I am your champion
You rate me as the best
But I know the game
You forget my name
And I won't be here in another year
If I don't make the digests


From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (clemenr.westminster.ac.uk)

lucfrench.aol.com (LucFrench) wrote:
> (I was the Tellme)
>
> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > Give us a joke, you're the Orrie man
> > Give us a joke tonight.
> > And we're sharing a drink called foolishness
> > But I'm feelin' all right.

(I was the selecting priest)

Don't go posting
Quite so early
You didn't need to be so sore oo-oo-ooo-ooo

It had already
Been selected
Time, it took, a little more oooohhhhhhhhhh

If you're digested
Then it's forever
Dejanews has made it so mmmmm-mmmmm-mmmm-mmm

All those in jokes
Og and Zadoc
Will now be forever known

I wrote to Steve Kinzler and asked him to
Remove it from the digest queue
But he said that we must not forget
All of those ain't seen it yet, oooooooh

Don't go thinkin'
We chose random
We're a bit more careful in this biz.... ooo-ooo-oooo-ooo

If it's funny
If it's clever
I'll select it just the way it is...

(fade out featuring Otis on sax with Og and Thag on 'percussion').


From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: A few suggestions for the Oracle's system
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/13

Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>David Sewell wrote:
>> It's a bug affecting digests with numbers <100. I need to rewrite the digest/search code to handle digest numbers >999 in the near future, but it's going to take me some time to get to this.
>And there you have it, folks. The Oracle is so far ahead of its time that we even have a century bug!

Not only that, but according to my calculations, in the year 2028 there is a 99.99% chance that the Oracle is going to HIT THE EARTH, causing an IMPACT that will entirely destroy CIVILISATION AS WE KNOW IT!!!!! And it will do MODERATE DAMAGE to Australia, too!!!!

DS
OP


From: G De Lacey (gdelace.tpgi.com.au)
Subject: Re: Sore Luser's Digest (another oggularity)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/15

I don't know which hurts the most, my head from spikey clubs or my stomach from laughing. These neanderthals (or whatever) are priceless.

Thanks to the incarnation responsible. You made my day.

I held off publishing it here in the hope that it made the Digest.

It didn't.
There is just no justice.


The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I abase myself!
> I kiss your feet!
> I slobber with awe!
> O mighty oracle, whose smallest after dinner burp has more wisdom than there is in this or any other universe, please help me!
>
> Of course you are well aware that my daughter keeps asking difficult questions about life. Occasionally she throws me a curly one. I've collected a few. You are a very smart oracle, and I know you can enlighten me on the 10 questions below. Later, I will send you 10 more and so on ad infinitum.
>
> 1. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
>
> 2. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
>
> 3. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
>
> 4. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
>
> 5. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
>
> 6. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
>
> 7. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
>
> 8. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
>
> 9. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
>
> 10. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
>
> GW De Lacey.
> Who thinks that El Nino, with a little vodka and lemonade, is a very passable drink.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Og here.  Ora-kl go spring break.  Drink tequila.  But stay away from
} burro this time.  Still remember last time.  Cancun police remember
} too.  He he.  Og anser question.  What suppli-cant want?
}
} > I abase myself!
} > I kiss your feet!
} > I slobber with awe!
} > O mighty oracle, whose smallest after dinner burp has more wisdom
} > then there is in this or any other universe, please help me!
}
} Not bad start.
}
} > I've collected a few. You are a very smart oracle, and I know you can
} > enlighten me on the 10 questions below.
}
} Many question?  Suppli-cant send Og _many_ question!  Og should hit
} suppli-cant with spiky club.  But suppli-cant ask nice, so Og not hit.
}
} > Later, I will send you 10 more and so on ad infinitum.
}
} Don't push suppli-cant luck, suppli-cant.
}
} > 1.  Why do scientists call it research when looking for something
} > new?
}
} Hah! that easy, supli-cant!  Cause not know where to look!  Ha ha!
} Next queschun.
}
} > 2.  If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
}
} Humani... humani-tarin eat big lizard and mammoth and rock and dirt,
} just like ever-body else.  Next queschun.
}
} > 3.  When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
} _/
}                                                               ______/
} That easy too---hey, who you?                          ______/
}                                         ______________/
}                                    ____|  Me Zog.  No like way Og
}                                   |  anser queschun.  Come hit Og with
}                                   |  spiky club, anser queschun Zog-
}                                   |  self.
} Oh yeh, who say so?               |
}                                   |  Zog say so.  Take that, mammoth
}                                   | breath!
}                             Ug! | <---
}                           ug! | <---
}                         ug! | <---
}                       ug! | <---
}                     ug! | <---
}                         | How like that!
} Og not like!  But Og    |
} got spiky club too!   ---> | Ug!
}                         ---> | ug!
}                           ---> | ug!  Zog not like this!  Throw big
}                                |  rock at Og!
}  | //
}  |W ##
} o|U ###
} o|M ####
} f|P ###
} !|!!##
}  | \\
} ug|
} uuug!|
} uuuuuug!|
}  w|
} o|
} o|
} f|
} !|
} |  Hoo-hah!  Zog win!
}                                   |  Yo, Zog!
} Huh?                              |
}                                   |  It me, Og again.  Get out from
}                                   |  under big rock.  Come around other
}                                   |  side.
} Og smelly pithecanthropus!  Zog   |
} show Og!                          |
}                    Chaaaaaarge!!! >|Ooof!
}                               Ug!! >|Ug!
}                                Ug!! >|Ouch!  Grrrrrrr!
} Ouch!                         {CHOMP!
}             Hey, Og bite Zog! |
}                               | Zog bet Og bite Zog!
} Hey!                   {CHOMP!
} Oh yeh?  Two can play  |
} that game!          CHOMP! }  Ouch!
}                        {CHOMP!
}                  CHO---}{CHO---
}                      >BONK!<
} Oh... Zog head hurt.    |                                 Og head hurt.
} Zog see double.            ||         OOgg sseeee ddoouubbllee ttoooo..
} See many line.        | |    ||    | ||     | Ug.
} But, OK now.            |     Og too.  Good thing got thick skull, huh?
}                         Ug! >< Ug!
}                           Ug! >< Ug!
}                       Ug! >< Ug!
}                            Ug! >< Ug!
}                          Ug! >< Ug!
} Whew!  Zog tired.            |           Og tired too.  What for we got
}                              | fight?
} Og start.  Og give dumb      |
} anser to suppli-cant         |
} queschun.                    |
}                              |                       Zog try do better.
} Uh, OK.  Zog see who supplicant...      \_______
} \______________________
}
} > GW De Lacey.
} > Who thinks that El Nino, with a little vodka and lemonade, is a very
} > passible drink.
}
} Hmmm.  Zog not like suppli-cant.  Suppli-cant say cute thing in
} signi-chur.  Probly like "Famly Circus" in funny paper.  Hey, Og!___/
}                                                             ____/
}                                             _______________/ What, Zog?
} Zog not like suppli-cant.  Think    _______/
} suppli-cant have cutsie signi-     |
} chur on queschun.  Try make funny  |
} suppli-cant self, not leave room   |
} for Zog and Og make funny.         |
}                                    |  Hmm, Zog right.  What Zog say do?
} Zog say, hit suppli-cant with      |
} spiky club.  That what Zog say do. |
}                                    | Good idea, Zog!  How come Zog have
}                                    |                    such good idea?
} That cause Zog smart!  Now what    |
} say we ug suppli-cant with spiky   |
} club?                              |
}                                    |_                Og say, go for it!
} \_________                           |
}           \__________                  |
} Hey, don't I have a  \                         |
} say in this?          |                        |
}                       | No!                    | No!
}            Owie!|< Ug!
}            owie!|< Ug!
}       owie!|< Ug!
}       owie!|< Ug!
}  owie!|< Ug!
}  owie!|< Ug!
} owie!|< Ug!
} owie!|< Ug!
} | < Ug!
} | < Ug!
}
} Huh.  That showed 'im.
}
} You owe Zog and Og new spiky club.  These just about used up.

From: Greg Brouelette (gbroulet.cts.com)
Subject: Re: I am not alone!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/06

Surgical Steel (surgicalsteel.mindspring.moc) wrote:
: jerry.cs.ucsb.edu (Jerry James) wrote:
: > Mark Orton wrote:
: >>askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com wrote:
: >>> an airplane hanger.
: >> I always wondered how they keep those things up in the sky. Now I know - they hang them from hangers.
: >And, of course, everybody knows that the hangars are hanging on sky hooks.
: And cumulonimbus clouds are tie racks in the aether.

And did you know that lightning is just God rubbing the universe against his hair and sticking it to the wall?


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: I am not alone!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/10

Mark Orton (marko26.hotmail.com) said:
: black-dog.thecatgeocities.com wrote:
: > How often have you found a long lost item by looking for something else entirely?
: Is there any other way of finding lost things?

By having your boss/SO/cow-orker point to it and say "here's your thingy, dumb-ass."


From: Ami (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com)
If you're hearing that phrase a lot, maybe you should zip your pants.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) wrote:
>I am deeply thankful that my boss and cow-orkers *never* point my thingy out to me. Course, it helps if you always remember to put your trousers on in the morning.

Forgive me for being so bold, but wouldn't it be the case that, if you were to forget to put on your trousers in the morning, you would actually be pointing your own thingy out to your cow-orkers?


From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: I am not alone!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/11

Mark Orton wrote:
; > How often have you found a long lost item by looking for something else entirely?
; Is there any other way of finding lost things?

Have you tried calling Information?

Operator: "Hello, information."

Me: "I can't find my socks, where are they?"

O: "Under the bed behind the hairball the cat left."

M: "Thank you."

<click>.... She was right!


From: Stig Hemmer (stig.pvv.ntnu.no)
Subject: Re: OK, which bastard was this?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/01

uceless.picklejar.micron.picklejar.net (Old but not uceless) writes:
> Some of the nuns who taught Latin at my high school spoke it as a first language.

Really? I can hear the little kids:
O Matre, video! No Maneum!

(My Latin is rather non-existant, I was trying to say: "Look Ma, no hands!")


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: OK, which bastard was this?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/05

MCHEVALIER.sallie.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) wrote:
>Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com) wrote:
>: --
>: Paul, whose six-year-old daughter, Alex, who is learning to play the violin at an astonishingly fast pace,
>Well, what do you expect? It's a trivial instrument. I started playing it when I was three. (By the time I was ten, I couldn't take it anymore, though...I'm not sure whether it was the ear-piercing screech it made or the tendinitis-inducing arm contortions necessary to hold it properly.) If she wants a real challenge, she should try the cello, as any thinking person would.

This sounds remarkably like a weenie-measuring contest.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: OK, which bastard was this?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/03/06

Kirsten Chevalier wrote:
> If she wants a real challenge, she should try the cello, as any thinking person would.

Yeah, but by God it hurts your chin.

Ian.



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