Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

1998 05 B.

From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: so long, farewell...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

Paul <zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>DS, Swarthmore '76, who was told during a campus visit to Haverford in the early 70s by the tri-college shuttle bus driver, "Relations between the sexes are somewhat more sane at S'more than at Haverford".
>Insane sexual relations at Haverford? Where do I send off for a course catalog?

Actually, now that I think about it, the shuttle driver used the word "healthy", not "sane".

Though it occurs to me that you might not be any more dissuaded by "unhealthy".... just wipe off the catalog before you let anyone else look at it, he?


From: Jason Willoughby (jwilloug.navajo.gate.net)
Subject: Re: Doing evil things to defenseless computers (was Re: Purple People Eater! Want some DMP^H^Hinner?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

Corran Webster <cwebster.math.tamu.edu> wrote:
> Now if only I could come up with something useful to use my old Apple IIc for... and no, it's too light to make a good doorstop...

I've found obsolete computers to make decent clocks. Just stick it in a corner and have it display the system clock. If its got a BASIC ROM it doesn't even need any sort of drive.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Marbles, marbles!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

DMP (dmparker.usa.net) said:
: Paul wrote:
: >Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
: >>DMP wrote:
: >>> Obviously we were too busy wanking and buying dildos...
: >>This reads ever so much better after you snip the quoted text.
: >Yes, and this is yet ANOTHER good reason to get a Mac. Eeeeew.
: Why do Mac's substitute for wanking and dildos?

Not a substitute...just plug 'n' play.

dan. whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies say "that's a *large*?"


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.nothanks.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Marbles, marbles!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au says...
> Giles Thomas wrote:
> > ...and I always wanted a good definition of bathos...
> They're like winos, but a lot cleaner.

I think you'll find the correct term is now win98os. Sure they still smell as bad and puke over themselves, but they're wearing Ray-Bans this year, courtesy of their Uncle Bill.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Web TV
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
>I've been in environments where we knew there were people attached to a server, but whether or not they actually used it for anything was at best a guess. Asking the users was pointless, they didn't know that there was a server, or a network. So we'd just shut it down and give it about 15 minutes, if no one called in that time, we could assume that it was either redundant or insignificant to the people attached.
>When I worked at a major check processing company (that happens to based in Houston) there were two different occasions where $20,000 worth of VAX memory just disappeared. Gone. Vanished. Not good for anything but the machines for which it was intended, but now disappeared.
>The other odd thing about working there was that no one knew how certain things happened. The systems were built by other people, long since gone, and never documented. For example, we knew that if the systems in Houston went down, the systems in Colorado would pick up. But no one knew what triggered the system in Colorado. They used to play the "could be" game with all the programmers and see if anyone could give them a clue. I'm not sure they ever figured it out...

Maybe the computer systems have become semi-sentient, and are indulging themselves in self-mutilation. My K6 says it wants its nipples pierced -- it's not too far a stretch to imagine a VAX lopping off pieces of itself in an attempt to look cool.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Web TV
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

Paul wrote:
> I propose this as the next serious discussion on this froup: Do fish have nipples? If they do, what is the best equipment to use for piercing fish nipples?

I've changed my mind. I don't want to live in that universe after all.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: I'm gonna regret this..
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/18

Ami wrote:
> But, on the opposite end of the human behavior scale, I went through a residential area the other day to avoid some interstate traffice, and a lovely elderly lady paused in her stroll to wave and nod cheerfully to every driver sitting at a red light. Cheered everyone up immensely, and I didn't see one person refuse to wave and smile back at her.

She was CIA. The photos come out better that way.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Press
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/17

The Internet Oracle hasn't pondered your question at all.
Your question <on rhod> was:

> Hello o great oracle.
> What happen when i press the q button?

And in response, thus spake Lars "No J!" Clausen:

} You quickly qualify for a quarter-year quarantine from the quicksand that is rec.humor.oracle.d. A quartet quizzes you about quackery, questioning your querulous quest. Quicksilverfast quoters quarrel about the queer quotient and quaff a quart of Quakerish quicklime. A quintillion quiescent quarks quip about the quintessential Quinn quillisms. Quirky quota of quite Quixotic quotations quiet Quebecs queues of quarrelers. Quetzal, queasy from quasiperiodic quenchings of quarrelsome Qatarians, quail under a quantity of quahogs. The quarterback quits.
}
} You owe Lars "No J!" Clausen to mail your question to oracle.cs.indiana.edu the next time, and to read the FAQ.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: DMP
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
>Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>So I was at this seminar today where they were talking about Project Management (yawn), and the guy had names for various sizes and types of projects.
>>Anyway, I had to suppress laughter when a slide came on screen with big initals, DMP...
>>...which stood for Death March Project. As in a project that is so mindbogglingly huge and complex that it will probably result in years of overwork, overspending, and probalby end up scrapped.
>>It's scary when rhod intrudes on RL.
>COOL! That's much better than Dot Matrix Printer!
>I'm the Death March Project. Oh-wee-Oh Oh-WEEE-Oh. Oh-wee-Oh Oh-WEEE-Oh.

I had arrived at the conclusion it was "Damaged My Peenie."


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/31

Jim Menard (jimm.io.com) writes:
> Here in my newly adopted home state of Georgia, it is apparently illegal to sell any device intended for the purpose of stimulating the genetals. Dildos are sold as "educational" devices.

Orgasms are educatoinal...they teach you about altered states. Woo-hoo!

When I was a kid, a local catalogue store (Consumers Distributing, for those who know/care) had a couple of pages worth of various personal comfort items like a massaging foot bath, bath pillows, massaging shower heads, etc. IN the bottom corner of that section was always this long white thing, held at an angle, referred to as the "Personal Massager" and priced somewhere in the $10-$20 range. We used to giggle over that every year.

A friend of mine got a job at that store later in our teen years, and when I asked if they still sold that product, he said they did, and in fact a woman returned one recently. He said she was extremely heavy (ie 400 pounds), and had managed somehow to break the thing in half. One by one, the employees would excuse themselves to the store room, laugh themselves out, and come back to the front desk.

They gave her a refund.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/16

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
><lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
>; > I'm thinking of developing a nice phobia of .. But then again, if I do that, I can't handle email. Maybe I'll instead develop a phobia of pi.
>; Develop an alt-phobia then you can take care of all extended ascii letters at one time.
>Unfortunately, that would also take away a style of beer.

You know, there have been several occasions when I was holding down my control and delete keys while slamming a fine German beer, and looked up to find my computer rebooting. Strange.


From: Blade-Runner (black-dog.geocities.com)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/16

emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu (Erik Mooney) wrote:
> I got him to run the thing (in MS Access), and after finishing, it popped up a box saying how much was allocated to each project, with "Click OK to contiune". He asked me what to do, and I told him to follow the instructions on the screen... took him a good sixty seconds to find the OK button, and another twenty to get up the guts to click it.

You gotta look at the logic process of the newbie

Click OK to continue
<do I want to continue? What's the alternative? Look for alternative. ARRRRGHHH there is no alternative! It's a trick question. I'm missing something here and if I click OK I'm going to kick myself for not spotting the alternative. Better have another look. Nope definitely only one button. Well WTF ask me to make a decision if there is no alternative? Stupid computers, why can't they make them simple to use. Oh bugger it I'll click it - if the whole thing blows up it's not my fault - one last quick check - fingers crossed and>

*click*


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/17

Paul <zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com> wrote:
> sunburst.neverest.starfall.com (Sunburst) wrote:
> >>Hell, I hear they're even working on a GUI for Unix now -- "Z-Windows 95" or something like that. Golly, the stupid people have REALLY gone too far now.
> >You mean gates is working on something for Unix? I'm going to go hide from the four motorcycle riders of the apocalypse now. He's only been promising
> No no no. That was a joke, as far as I know.

KDE. The "K" Desktop Environment. Primarily for Linux, but available for other Unixes as well. Source code available from www.kde.org. Nice, but IMHO a bit too Windows-95-ish for comfort.

> I was simply pointing out that even Unix geeks use GUIs.

True. But the scary part is that we see GUIs as a useful way to have four command lines on the same screen.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/20

<lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
>This is the quintessential computer question:
>If computers keep getting faster, why do they keep taking longer and longer to start up.

Because the more powerful they get, the more sentient they become, and the more they have to be convinced to allow some geek to bash their keyboard.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/23

Aaron M. Ucko <amu.mit.edu> wrote:
>jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) writes:
> > Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
> >; Now, to really check out how clean these links REALLY are...
> >; £ ¢ § ¶ ª º ´ ® ¥ ¨ ø « » å ß © ¬ æ ç µ ÷
> >Brit-pound, cents, something weird, paragraph, a over line, o over line, single-quote, "registered" symbol, Jap-yen, short double-quote, theta (null set), longer-double-quote, apostrophe, double less-then, double greater-then, a with o above, beta, "copyright" symbol, NW corner line-draw, "ae", c with accent below, u with accent below, divide-by.
> >; ° ± ´ ¨ Ø Å Æ Ç ¿
> >Raised o, plus-or-minus, single-quote, short double-quote, large theta (null set), A with o above, "AE", C with accent below, Spanish start-of-sentence question mark.
> Close, but not quite.
>
> something weird -> section sign
> a/o over line -> masculine/feminine ordinal indicator

This is the one that explains which of the partners is performing ordinal sex on the other.

> single-quote -> acute accent
> short-double-quote -> diaeresis (umlaut)

If you're suffering from diaresis, get some Pepto-Bismol.

> theta (null set) -> o with stroke (resembling phi or the empty-set symbol)

This symbol has something to do with Scientology, right? Aren't they always talking about thetas?

> double less/greater than -> guillemet (French quotation mark)

The guillemet is not used in this country. We used to hang people or use firing squads, but later we moved to electric chairs and finally to lethal injections. They used the guillemet to lop off the heads of the French royalty back in the revolution.

> a with o above -> a with ring above

Come clean: You don't really know what it is, so you're just describing it. Gotcha!

> beta -> german es-zet
> NW corner line-draw -> NOT symbol (which would be more like the NE corner)

NOT symbol? It IS TOO a symbol!

From: Aaron M. Ucko (amu.mit.edu):
No, that's `2'. Sheesh.

> c with accent below -> c with cedilla

A little penicillin will make painful cases of cedilla clear up. Next time make sure your partner's clean *before* you go too far and get cedilla again.

> u with accent below -> micro sign (mu)

This symbol is µsic to my ears.

> raised o -> degree sign

No, it's just a helium-filled "O".

¢. Everyone knows helium and oxygen don't react.

--
T°m "T°m" Harringt°n


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/25

Pete Krawczyk wrote:
> Aaron M. Ucko (amu.mit.edu) wrote:
> > ¢. Everyone knows helium and oxygen don't react.
> Yeah. None of that dihydrogen monoxide stuff.

I think you've made an elementary error.


From: David Sewell (dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/24

Lars Clausen wrote:
>Whoops. Slipped in a danish word there. "og" in danish means "and". Coincidentally, "and" in danish means "duck". That doesn't mean anything in danish, but sounds like "dok", which means "dock". This sounds like "dock", which means "dock". Aha, a fix-point.

It is the source of no small amusement to English-speakers that older Swedish movies always ended with the word

SLUT

in huge letters across the screen. (Danish too?)


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Stop that! It's the merkin words that are supposed to mean something silly in 'danish', not the other way around. And the elevator signs aren't funny either.

-Lars "Not slut yet" Clausen


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/26

Ariel Scolnicov <ariels.mangal.cs.huji.ac.il> wrote:
>Louis Patterson <lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU> writes:
>> Paul wrote:
>> )<lee1089.kettering.edu> wrote:
>> )>This is the quintessential computer question:
>> )>If computers keep getting faster, why do they keep taking longer and longer to start up.
>> )Well, considering the amount of processing power crammed into the human brain (at least the one I have) this seems to just be a law of nature. It sometimes takes me a good solid hour to get my mind in gear every morning, and that's with chemical intervention.
>> Perhaps if you gave your computer chemical stimulants it would boot faster?? Actually, it's possible, I think, that what we previously blamed on crappy micr o s... (ahem) code could in fact be blamed on caffeine withdrawal. We obvoiously need a double blind trial here I think...
>In experiments I conducted on several computers, coffee only caused the keyboard to stick. Perhaps I should try the mouse?

Maybe the power supply. Yes, I'm sure it's the power supply. You'll definitely get some results that way.

BTW: Anybody ever wonder what would happen if you took that "Air Supply" band and mixed it up with "Power Station"? I'm guessing it'd be something like Motley Crue on Qualudes. Or maybe kinda like that group "Bread" only they wouldn't make any. Just some food for thought...for the gourmand thinker in all of us.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Funny Accents (was: Re: Purple People Eater! Want some DMP^H^Hinner?)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/20

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au "Ian Davis" writes:
> Welcome to our life. Every time we hear a pseudo-Australian accent, it makes me cringe. If you can't get the real thing, don't do it at all!

<Thinks> All the accents I mimic abominably - Glaswegian, Brummie, Oz, German, French, Italian...

Oh well, there goes my entire repertoire of jokes.


From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

Ami (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com) said:
: What is this anti-circumcision movement all about?

Reattachment.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies remember when Sir Francis drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

Ami <askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com> wrote:
>What is this anti-circumcision movement all about? I'd like to hear

[snip - haha]

>asked. Anyone with a load of misinformation they're just dying to share?

It is extremely important for men to be circumcised. There are dozens of horror stories out there about uncircumcised men who go to the beach, and then get a grain of sand lodged under there (shudder). After several months of excruciating pain that grows in intensity daily, they finally go to the doctor and find that they've grown a pearl in there. Although these pearls are very valuable (Imelda Marcos supposedly has quite a nice necklace made from them) there just really isn't any amount of money that makes it worth the pain of growing the pearl. Another little known fact is that one of Alexander the Great's most-favored torture techniques was to grow "cultured prepuce pearls" in prisoners who refused to tell him military secrets. This is a part of the history books that the "Politically Correct" crowd always wants to censor.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Are you making this up??

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington
No, a friend of mine knew someone that had this happen to him. What's worse, from your perspective, is that Paul didn't even mention the huge pearl-esque growths that guys with piercings can get after trips to the beach. With a pierced willy, the pearls often form within the pierced area, and require rather gruesome surgery to remove. Usually the poor guys regain nearly full operation, but the success rate is only 60% or so. This may be less significant since the advent of Viagra, but there's still the surgery to deal with.

From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Actually, my piercing is so well stretched these days that I can see through my penis, even with the ring in, so it's highly unlikely that I would get anything lodged in there...

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
I have a bizarre image in my mind, somewhat reminiscent of an old Pirate's telescope, except that it isn't collapsible in quite the same way.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Actually, that can be even more dangerous! Hermit crabs have been known to set up housekeeping in bodily cavities such as the one you describe. Do not go to the beach, whatever you do. I'm sure your wife would be quite put out if you came home with an infestation of crabs:
"But honey, they're HERMIT crabs!"
"I don't care if they're effing bright red Siamese fighting crabs! You're not getting near me with that thing!"
Bevare!

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
This would be very handy for observing solar eclipses.

From: B. Chas Parisher (bang.netcom.com)
Or, with some Viagra and an appropriate tattoo, you can be your own precision sundial.
The fact that this thought sprung to mind frightens me greatly.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
"I have no idea why my palms grew hair, Doc. I was just winding my watch."
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what happens when the alarm goes off


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/06/11

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> thristian.usa.net (Tim Allen) wrote:
>> [It's OK - some nice guy *did* mail me. I'd only ever heard of hairy palms in connexion with werewolves...]
>Now, why do you think Dracula had hairy palms.

I'd long thought I was able to echo the words of Zaphod Beeblebrox: "Don't try and out-weird me, I get weirder things than you with my breakfast cereal", but I know now it was not to be.

I'd hate to dilute this fantastic group (picogram for picogram, the funniest froup I've been in) with more gape-jawed incomprehension, so I think I'll just shut up and watch the fun.

Surely Dracula was a vampire, not a werewolf? Or perhaps his palms were hairy to keep their coconuts warm (Transylvania not being a really tropical place) ?


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/20

lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU "Louis Patterson" writes:
> I always preferred "Watt's Pot's Never Boyle", from 1066 and all that... Or "William III was called the Sailor King for his willingness to create large numbers of Piers at a moment's notice". Or "...but the britons were still using the old pronounciation, and thought that he had called them 'weany, weedy and weaky'" Or ... but i think I'll leave it there...

Please don't - less well travelled British culture seems to stop threads here more effectively than invoking Nazis. We've already Molesworthed one into extinction, lets Sellar & Yeatman this one.

1. How would you have attempted to deal with: (a) The Venomous Bead, (b) a Mabinogion or Wapentake? (Be quick)
2. Which do you consider the stronger swimmer: (a) The Spanish Armadillo, (b) The Great Seal?
3. Why do you picture John of Gaunt as a rather emaciated grandee?
4. Cap'n, art thou sleeping there below? (NB - Do not attempt to answer this question.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*----*---*---Now then, how about some "Round the Horne"?-*---


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/20

Also Sprach Miriam Peromsik:
> And the origins of ... (keeping kosher) etc. are religious, not hygenic.

One cannot help but think back to the Wilderness Years. Moses was having one of his meetings, and decided to introduce the concept of Milk and Meat.

"Tell you what, chaps," he said. "I think it's dead unfair to cook a calf in its own mother's milk."

"Hear hear" cry the minyan, for doubtless there was one at the time.

"But," says Tsahi the Wise, "how do we know it was its own mother's milk?"

"Aha!" says Moses. "In that case, we'd better make a rule not to cook *any* calf in milk, in case it's its mother's."

"What about goats?" asks Hanan the Gentle. "Should we not treat kids with the same kindness?"

"Sure," says Moses. "No kids in goat's milk either."

"I cannot tell goat's milk from cow's milk!" exclaims Avi the Furry-tongued. "What should I do?"

"OK," says Moses, somewhat testily. "Don't cook a calf in any milk, in case you have as poor a sense of taste as Avi, and don't realise that it is, in fact, cow's milk, in spite of the smell."

"I like a bit of venison," says Binyamin the Overpaid. "What should I do about that?"

"Look!" cries Moses in increasing frustration."No calves in milk, no kids in milk, and, just in case you happen to come across an elk or two wandering the majestic tundra of the Middle East, no fscking caribou in milk either! OK????"

"What about chicken's milk?" asked Yehuda the Dim.

And thus are dietary laws born.

(compare to sep01-b.html)


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Boyz -n- the hood (was Re: Mime and the Oracle)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/21

Also Sprach DMP:
> I've always felt cheated that I didn't have the equipment to get some really exotic piercings. And my PA would serve some purpose (since, as the story goes, The Good Prince Albert had his done to hold back that particular appendage...)<the foreskin>

If only velcro and superglue had been invented by then...


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/19

Corran Webster <cwebster.math.tamu.edu> wrote:
> And I'm talking about smores here folks... For those who have never been camping in the US, these are a completely evil concoction involving aforementioned Graham crackers (and I'm not even going to *start* talking about how you pronounce "Graham"),

OK, call 'em "Gramme Crackers" if you must.

> chocolate and roasted marshmallows. Any one of which is quite acceptable in its own right (although this is an assumption on my part about Graham crackers, since I have never had a Graham cracker in the absence of the other two), but together they should be treated with exactly the same sort of caution that one would extend to a Vegemite sandwich.

This had better mean that you think Vegemite is manna from heaven. Otherwise we may have to deport you. S'mores are nature's perfect food, the final result of eons of culinary evolution, a level of taste to which other foods can only vainly aspire. If you're not saying that you love Vegemite here, I'm going to have to call the Immigration and Naturalization Service.


From: Louis Patterson (lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/21

Corran Webster wrote:
)No, smores are just as dangerous - doesn't mean I don't like either but one must use moderation or one will die of either acute salt or cholesterol poisoning respectively.

Well, there's always the good old Chocolate-banana trick:

Get a banana; the blacker the better.
Cut the banana open with a single slit down one side. Leave the peel, etc, on.
Scrape out some of the banana. Throw it on the ground.
Fill banana cavity with chocolate buttons, the cheaper the better.
Wrap banana in alfoil, and place in fire.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Get impatient, poke at banana, turn it over.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Wait slightly too long.
Retrieve slightly burned banana from coals.
Unwrap alfoil. Burn fingers.
Look at repulsive putrescent mess.
Nibble starchy, oily, slimy, crunchy *brown* thing slightly
Go for walk, taking banana with you. Drop banana. Pretend not to notice.

Actually, for optimum taste [don't eat it, but that's not an issue] get a banana that has *just* the right mix of black squidgy overripe bits and yellow starchy underripe bits.

They are edible, but only to young children.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

Corran Webster wrote:
> [1] Yes, I know you can get them at specialty stores. Anyone know of a good source for British/Australian food in Houston or Austin[2]?

No, but there is a mail order place in North Carolina that has a good stock of Australian stuff. You can even get custard powder from them (which is not the same as instant pudding, despite what the hambots at the Pittsburgh supermarket think).
They charge like wounded bulls though.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> DMP wrote:
> ; We are talking about the same Smarties aren't we? Little pastel colored sugar tablets with some unknown flavoring thrown in that come in little rolls of 6 or so that are about as big as a tootsie roll.
> Those are the ones I'm thinking of. Any CVS sells them in the candy isle.

I'd like to sail that sea one day. But no, those are not the Smarties we're thinking about. Think of what M&Ms should have been in an ideal world and you begin to approximate the Smartie. M&Ms are a travesty. The last time I ate some, half of them didn't even have the spelling correct (W&Ws).


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
> CVS is a drug store chain (no, not +those+ drugs!).

What? You can't just wander in and buy crack? What about the senior citizen discounts?


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/22

cwebster.math.tamu.edu (Corran Webster) wrote:
>But this might go towards explaining why there aren't any real Smarties in the US.

LOOK YOU J3RK WE GOT LOTS OF SMART POEPLE HEAR IN THE US OF A AND WE DONT CARE IF YOU CANADIANS OR BRITS OR WHATEVER THINK WERE NOT SMART WE ARE BECAUSE WE PUT THE FIRST MAN IN ORBIT SO THERE.

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Alas, Britain would have been the first, putting Albert Gristle into orbit in the late 19th Century, if it weren't for a mix up on the launch pad. The memorial to the attempt, just opposite the Royal Albert Hall, has been undergoing renovation, and will reopen to the public shortly. Visitors to London should attempt to visit said memorial and wonder at the audacity of Victorian Britons.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Yes, the elastic band slipped off his eponymous piercing.

From: Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu)
OH YEAH!!!1! IF THEIR WERE ANY SMRAT AMERICANS YOU WOULDN'T HAVE REBELLED YOUSE GUYS ARE SO DUMB YOU HAD A T PARTY INSTEAD OF A PROPPER REVELUTION!!!!1!


From: DanGlick.my-dejanews.com (DanGlick.my-dejanews.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/24

<snip>
Note for non-merkins: Is Viagra also famous outside the U.S.? If not, I'll explain: it's a (blue, I think) anti-impotence pill, and half the country is obsessed with it.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
There's this really groovy commercial for the drug that helps you get over nicotine cravings (I can't remember the name of the drug now) that has a pack of cigarettes getting brutally crushed by a giant pill. I hope the same advertizing agency doesn't get the Pfizer account, or we'll be watching large disks pounding limp peenies on television.
Actually, that might make me watch TV a little more often. Heck, that might even make me buy Pfizer stock.

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Famous in the UK for its ability to detach retinas. Now it really *does* make you go blind.

Cue Tim Chew...

DanGlick.my-dejanews.com wrote some of this :
Huh?

From: Blade-Runner (black-dogthecat.geocities.com)
Can I say it? Can I? Can I? Can I, huh?
"Everyone knows if you masticate you'll go blind"

From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
I hear it's rather hard to get....hahahhahahaha <gasp>
Anyway, traditional methods of achieving the same results are giving it stiff competition...hahahahahah<gasp>

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Yes, now we're starting to get those newfangle tellyophone things, we're able to keep up pretty well.
Ian "Think how much better it will be when we get electricity!" Davis.

From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
And the other half have headaches tonight, honey.


From: Blade-Runner (black-dogthecat.geocities.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/24

DanGlick.my-dejanews.com wrote some of this :
> black-dog.geocities.com wrote:
>[snip]
>> Sure you did Paul. <whisper>nurse - the blue tablets please.
>But Paul's only in his thirties! (I think.)

Yup, he needs them because he thinks he's too important.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/25

tc36212.glaxowellcome.com wrote:
> That was the most putrid s--t I have ever put in my mouth.

No. I'll just leave it at that, it's too easy.

Ian.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/26

DanGlick.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> pkrawczy.maxx.mc.net (Pete Krawczyk) wrote:
>> > Daniel, whose brSff are red, but not Communist
>> Ah, so then they're NAZI'S who worship HITLER?
> THREAD MURDERER!

What a bloody murdering bastard! Threads have feelings too, you know. And families[1]. Think of the poor baby threads that have no father[2] anymore. I can see them before me[3], wet letters rolling down their subjects, their references in a mess, not knowing which newsgroup to live in or where to get any followups. My fellow jurors, only a *monster* would commit such a crime. He cannot be allowed to go free. Nothing less that the full penalty of law will serve here.

-Lars "Aaaahhh! A zombie!" Clausen

[1] Actually, family relationships for threads is a bit more complicated than for humans.
[2] Or mother. Or whatever you call those 314 other sexes that threads can have.
[3] Mainly because I kidnapped the lot and plan to watch them starve to death. Muahahaha...


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/27

Paul wrote:
> Funny, I only expected to snare Ian.

Why don't you wait for the second Australian? He's much bigger and much fatter than me.

Ian.


From: Matt Kerbel (bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/27

TimChew.my-dejanews.com writes:
> Louis Patterson <lrp.students.cs.mu.OZ.AU> wrote:
>> Paul wrote:
>> )Blade-Runner wrote:
>> )>longword.newsguy.com (Lionel Lauer) wrote some of this :
>> )>>>> Is vegemite the same as Marmite? Black, salty, yeast extract stuff you spread on toast? You love it or you hate it?
>> )>>>Dear God, man, no. Marmite is bloody 'orrible.
>> )>>Yeah, they *sweeten* the bloody stuff.
>> )>>Blech!
>> )>Pity. I quite like Marmite.
>> )Oh, I get it. Marmite is from England, Vegemite is from Australia. Hence, Ozzies hate Marmite, Brits hate Vegemite, and Merkins think you're all a bunch of loonies.
>> I don't think I should mention promite at this juncture...
> Right, I'll bite. What is Promite?

a) Given the nature of the rest of this thread, you might want to rethink the biting and just keep your mouth shut at this point; it seems much safer.

2) It's a mite that is paid, and thus no longer retains amateur status, of course.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/28

nider.nisu.flinders.edu.au (David Robley) wrote:
>>Right, I'll bite. What is Promite?
>It's another version of Vegemite, made by Master Foods Australia (and possibly elswhere).
>Those with a morbid interest in these varieties of toast additives might find these informative:
>http://akiko.co.nz/NZ/Culture/Food/Vegemite.html
>http://www.ozchannel.com/vegemite/chat.html

Hey, there's nothing there at all about Vomite!


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/28

Paul L. "'Enry 'Iggins" K. wrote:
> Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> >Eh, you wouldn't know your Marmite from your elbow!
> If you're trying to mimic a Canadian accent, the "eh" goes at the end of the sentence.

Thank you. I must write that down. Y'all. Some would find it hard to believe that I have been on the net this long, *and* lived so close to Canada, and not known that. It just goes to show. By the way, I have this bridge for sale... 8^}

Anyway, it was more of a Bugs Bunny type eeeeh.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/29

TimChew.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> "Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
>> but I'm only 16
>Dude! Where are alll these young'uns coming from? I was on a bar crawl last week and a girl asked for my number. [1] I later found out that she's eighteen! I felt the need to get the walker out of my car.
>[1] These things don't happen often, [2] so you've got to jump on them. [3]

The fact that these things don't happen to you often might be related to the fact that you don't seem to know where the young'uns come from.

To be honest, if an 18-year-old girl were to ask for my number now, I'd probably tell her it was 911, since I'd be in need of an ambulance.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/29

Paul wrote:
> Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> >Paul L. "'Enry 'Iggins" K. wrote:
> An' 'oo the 'ell is 'Enry 'Iggins, mate?

I think he's a pork farmer. I saw his name on some pig mailin' list.

Ian.

<pygmalion. OWW!>

Paul wrote:
Jeez. After what, three days? I think I got it. You should be punished.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Not bad. Generally the incubation period is a week or so before the rash appears.
Ian.



Main menu 2