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1998 05 a.

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/02

DMP <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
> Fatten me up for what? By the by, what kind of pig do they get 'long pork' from??

A male chauvnist pig, ideally.

Or, failing that, any other animal which is at least a member of the same species.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Sore Loser (contains a fairly long undigested answer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/05

Michael G. Thompson wrote:
> Mike, who watched the end of "Babe" last night, and cried unashamedly, even though I've seen it twice. (I *hate* when a movie can do that to me, even when I'm expecting it.)

Isn't Stephen King writing the sequel? Babe 2: The Frying.

Ian.


From: Theran Cochran (theranc.geocities.com)
Subject: Foreign expelitives (was Re: Narf.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/06

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Go with foreign expletives. I learned as a kid that no Canadian teacher would freak out at me using "bloody" or "bleedin'" so long as it meant I wasn't using "damned" or the always horrible "fucking."

I say "baka" "che" and "kutabare" ("idiot", "shit" and "f*ck you" respectively). Swearing in foriegn languages is so much fun. So is answering the phone (politely) in a foriegn language ("Moshimoshi"). It causes prank callers to pause in confusion ("WTF did he just say?! Did I get the wrong number?").


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Oraclelarity 1020-03
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/01

lucfrench.aol.com "LucFrench" writes:
> Narf! Fnord! Egad!

I have some slight difficulty envisaging Pinky as an Illuminatus. ...But it _would_ explain William Hague.

-Richard Wilson-*----*-----*---*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*--Sorry, I'm being frivolous. What I meant was, if Laa-Laa--
--*-----and Po were Illuminati, _that_ would explain William Hague-


From: Karen Lindsey (ksl.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1012
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/05

calieber.bu.ed.u (Charles A. Lieberman) wrote:
> Karen Lindsey
> > Did I decode this wrong? (I did it by hand)
> The original has 15 column rows. I added 2 leading 0s and grouped it into 8-digit binary numbers.

I think I get it, is this more like it...?

       ############    ####     ######################   ##########################   ########################## ########      ################ ########              ######## ########              ######## ############          ######## ##############  ####  ########   ######    ##  ############   ####                  #### ##  ##      ####      ##  ##     ##                ##   ####    ######      ####     ##              ####     ####            ####     ######        ######   ####  ####################

(I duplicated each character, since most CRTs show tall, thin characters on them (mine does, anyway)).

I think I preferred my last attempt - it looked like an alien with wiggly legs.

> It's my face, roughly.

Very.

> If you actually bothered working it out, you have too much time on your hands.

I wish! I was taking a break - it was a Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK, after all. Maybe I should have just asked the Oracle what it was?

> It's not a bad Snoopy, for someone as artistically inept as myself.

I *must* have got it wrong again, then. ( ;

I doubt anyone has got enough time on their hands to decode this text...

                         T                         h                         i                         s                         /                         t                         e                         x                         t                         /                         i                         s                         /                         a                         /                         r                         e                         d                         /                         h                         e                         r                         r                         i                         n                         g

From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
This is what I got:

#      ############
 #    ##          ##
###  ##        #   ##
 ####               ##
###  ##          # ##
 #    ##          ##
#      ############

Why it almost looks like a bright red Siamese fighting fish.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antihistamine.mindspring.com)
This is more like it:

#      ############
 #    ##          ##
###  ##        #   ##
 ####               ###
###  ##          # ###
 #    ##          #  #
#      ###########   #

Big teeth on that sucker.

From: Blade-Runner (black-dog.geocities.com)
Huh?
It sucks or it bites, make your mind up.
Or is it, if it bites, it sucks. No, I've got it, it sucks if it bites. Either way it sucks. Being bitten, that is.
Nurse!


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
With all the talk about these fishies around here, I'd have guessed that it was more like this:

                     ______________________
#      ###############     /                      \
 #    ##             ##    |  MMM!!!  Tasty DMP!!! |
###  ##     O     #   ##   \   ___________________/
 ####      /|\         ##  _/ /
###  ##     |       # ##  /__/                      DMP's piercings,
 #    ##   /\        #              |    /          after being spat out
#      ##############           %   +   %  ! . X <- by the brSff.                             |  /

From: Paul
No no no. Here you go:

                     ______________________
#      ###############     /                      \
 #    ##             ##    |  MMM!!!  Tasty DMP!!! |
###  ##    oO     #   ##   \   ___________________/
 ####     o/|o\        ##  _/ /
###  ##    ooo      # ##  /__/                DMP's piercings,
 #    ##  o/\o       #              |    /    after being spat out
#      ##############           %   +   %  ! . X <- by the brSff.                             |  /

You left out all the holes he has all over his body.


From: Stig Hemmer (stig.pvv.ntnu.no)
Subject: Re: many threads
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/11

"Michael G. Thompson" <miket42.shell.clark.net> writes:
> (BTW, is there some limit to the number of times you contribute to a cascade? For sanity's sake, I mean?)

When people show up at your house wearing bad suits, carrying violin cases, asking you to desist, desist.

That reminds me, I have to talk to uncle Enzo about a favor he owes me...

Stig Hemmer.


From: LucFrench (lucfrench.aol.com)
Subject: Sore Loser: How was DMP^H^Hinner?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/12

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So, how was DMP^H^Hinner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Otis^W Viles^H.


From: Kimberly Chapman (aq593.FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
Subject: Re: Web TV is coming for the Oracle!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/09

"DMP" (dmparker.usa.net) writes:
> I disagree, it maybe a troll, but I doubt it's from anyone here. I don't believe any of us would be that devious, at least I know I wouldn't be and neither would the Canadian contingency (they're too honest to be sneaky).

Yeah, probably, although I shouldn't admit it, I feel strangely compelled to be honest. We're trying to fix the problem, and will have new LLAMA (Lie Like Americans, Mexicans, and Australians) training in our new top-secret headquarters, located at 3534 Colonel By Drive, Ottawa, ON K1S 5B7. Oops. They shoulda given me the training before divulging the address.


From: Barry O'Neill (boneil.nothanks.cableinet.co.uk)
Subject: Re: It has begun
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/10

m.pack.... says...
> Also Sprach Pete Krawczyk:
> > > > > Who is Mona Loa?
> > > > Big volcano in Hawaii.
> > > No, sorry, it's a famous painting in the Louvre. You're thinking of the Mauna Lower.
> > Sorry, the Mana Lower is when someone taps your lands for you.
> I think you'll find Manana Lauer is somebody putting Lionel off for another day.

Nope. The Launa Moa is a mechanical device for cutting grass, as Eny Fule Kno.

regards,

Barry


From: Lionel Lauer (longword.newsguy.com)
Subject: Re: What's HTH
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/06

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Lionel Lauer wrote:
>; >: It's a techo joke, if you turn it sideways, it looks like a schematic for a bilaterally-modulated differential amplifier.
>[...]
>; (I'm quite proud of being able to invent plausible sounding jargon at a moment's notice.)
>Does it connect to the Heidelberg reversed polarity coupler?

*Only* if you use a dynamic phase-demodulation circuit. If you try it without that, the isometric equalisation system loses coherence, & ghod help you if you aren't wearing safety glasses & a lead apron.

Needless to say, the only mention of this in the manual, is in 6 point type on page 1025 (appendix D).


From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
I've found that if you use a variable phase inductive capacitor to bridge the coupler with the isolinear throughput, you can avoid the weight of the dynamic phase-demodulater. You just have to be careful to tune it just right or else you risk destabilizing the entire antimatter reaction system.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
This is so obviously bogus. Nobody uses antimatter anymore.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: What's HTH
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/07

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Does it connect to the Heidelberg reversed polarity coupler?

I recently had a conversation with my father-in-law (a professor of microbiology and botany) about some experiments he tried years ago with sanseviera plants (mother-in-law's tongue is common name). He says that if you cut off one of the leaves, it will root very easily, but if you try cutting a section to root upside-down, it won't work. The cells are polarized in the way they grow. He said he and another researcher tried dozens of ways to "reverse the polarity." I burst into hysterical laughter when he said that; he didn't seem to understand why I found it so funny. I don't think he's seen enough Frankenstein movies to know what a cliche that is.


From: Anton Hoexum (ostinato.euronet.nl)
I tried that with my mother-in-law's tongue. It was a huge succes. I now have seventeen full grown mother-in-laws, and six growing very nicely in their beds of decomposing pork. You want to mind the teeth though, while cutting the tongue.


From: Jim Menard (jimm.io.com)
Subject: Re: Techno-babble (was Re: What's HTH)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/08

(Jeffrey Kaplan) writes:
> DMP wrote:
> ; >Does it connect to the Heidelberg reversed polarity coupler?
> ; Technically it is suppose to, but really you need a unidirectional force inhibitor. The number of RIM modules the unidirectional force inhibitor will need is dependent on the size of the Heidelberg reversed polarity coupler. Most of them meet the AST standard so 64 RIM modules is a good
> So that's what we were doing wrong. We were only using 32 modules. The manufacturer we hired assured us that 32 was sufficient for our needs. Now, I'm going to have to recheck every module and connection for corruption of the EPS flow. Do you have any idea how long that will take on a system of this size? Grrr...

[snip]

Hardware? You guys are still using HARDWARE? Give me a good alpha-photon-inducing flux capacitor anyday. Most relationship vector modules are still run from plasma/quark magneto-spin Klien bottles, sure, but I have found that leaving behind simplistic matter/antimatter interaction chambers and upgrading to alpha-photon-IFC's has made maintenance a breeze.

Downloading upgrades via neural link has its downsides, though. I can't walk straight for hours.


From: G De Lacey (gdelace.tpgi.com.au)
Subject: In Defence of Aussie Food
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/05

I've been away a while, then my ISP changed server configurtion, then my database fell over, so basically I don't know what happenng in rhod. I only know that before I left a form of madness struck the group, resulting in wild cascades, cannibalism, and mayhem generally. Mixed up with all of this were a number of unkind suggestions about the dietary habits of Australians.

Now I know that the rest of the world regards Australia as a country that is inhabited by superior people, and that jokes about us are similar in emotion to those levelled at my Uncle Bert. The said Uncle is a brilliant and well loved Professor of Physics, who once absent mindedly turned up for lectures with odd shoes on. Untrue, kindly amusing stories now abound about poor Uncle Bert. He did not lose the key to the padlock that was attached to his thumb all through that lecture on Occam's Razor. Nor did he absentmindedly wear undershorts over trousers during the ground breaking dissertation on Black Holes. Those who swear to the contrary are victims of propaganda generated by rumour.
Whilst TROTW <the rest of the world> may fully realise that Australians do not, for example, eat witchetty grubs, an Alpha Centauran space traveller, reading rhod whilst relaxing after a hard run in hyperspace, could be forgiven for getting the wrong impression. For that creature's benefit, I hereby present proof that Australians do not eat witchetty grubs.

How do you prove this? you ask.

I conduted a survey, thats how.

I invited all of my friends to join the survey and they both agreed to do it. I asked them some carefully prepared questions. Here are the results:

QUESTION 1
Do you know what a witchetty grub is?

Friend 1:
I believe that the term refers to the larva of the giant Hawk Moth or simlar large soft skinned insects. The larva grows between the bark and sapwood of some specific species of eucalypt trees. In fact, the larva feeds on the soft sapwood of these trees, but does not appear to damage them.
<friend 1 can be a right royal POA know it all some times>

Friend 2:
Yuk! I've seen some. Big white wrinkly wriggly things - like maggots on steroids!

QUESTION 2
What would you say if I told you that people eat them.

Friend 1:
Well I believe that the hunter-gatherer tribes found them to be a valuable source of protein in times of shortage. I can't believe anyone would eat them in preference to say a nice roast leg of bandicoot though.

Friend 2: Eat Maggots!! You gotta be kidding.

Friend 1: Well actually they are a totally different species to what you call maggots. For instance, they eat wood, and maggots eat...

Friend 2: Listen smartass, if it looks like a maggot and wriggles like a maggot, then its a maggot.

Friend 1: No really...

Me: AHEM! QUESTION 3! Thank you.
Your Airliner has crashed in the Andes. It is week 3 and no rescue is in sight. You take stock of your food supplies. In which order would you eat the following:
1. Tripe and onions.
2. Black podding.
3. Mountain Oysters.
4. DMP <dmparker.usa.net> and a few friends
5. Road Kill.
6. Ham, cheese and tomatoe sandwiches.
7. Witchetty Grubs.

Friend 1
In a situation like that you would need to think about your waning strength, so you would use the most difficult to prepare items first, saving the easy items for use as you get weaker. Using that logic, you would have to start with number 4 then work through the list to number 6. I would hope to be rescued before i reached number 7 though.

Friend 2
I aint eating no maggots, if thats what you are asking.

Friend 1
No I have to take issue of your terminology. Maggots swim in sh....

And there we leave them.

So there you have it. All Australians know what they are. Half of the Australian population have seen them. No Australian would eat witchetty grubs to save their lives.

I hope that settles the matter once and for all.


From: Hugh Blair (hblair.bigfoot.com)
Subject: Re: Newbie Question
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/11

Paul wrote:
>"Hugh Blair" hblair.bigfoot.com wrote:
>>Am I doing this right, I'm new at this <DMP> wrote:
>>>[snip]
>>>You see I was born to an extremely poor family. There were 13 of us children and my father died when I was only an infant, since I was the oldest I spent most of my formative years caring for my bothers and sisters,
>>Still "only an infant" while "There were 13 of us" conflicts with "I was the oldest." Dad & mom must have been fast workers.
>You obviously don't live in Alabama.

Or West Virginia either.

[You know they invented the tooth brush in WV. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the "teeth" brush.]

(OK, now I'll duck and run, run, run, far - far away.)


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: What's HTH
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/12

DMP <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
> Eric Schweitzer wrote:
> >DMP wrote:
> >> Whats a tuba for?
> >Depending on when, where, and finishing, about 1 1/2 x 3 1/2.
> And, here I was thinking a tuba was for playing music...

You'd think so, but you'd be wrong. I learned this several years ago when, on a road trip, we passed through Tuba City, Arizona. Not a single tuba to be seen. Heck, not even a novelty tuba-themed postcard to be had. I was expecting something like The World's Biggest Tuba, which would be a huge brass rollercoaster that you'd zip around in, just like Space Mountain at Disney World only with a bright brass-colored interior and some really low-pitched music (maybe from a fog horn, if nobody could get the tuba loud enough) to really shake up the kidneys with low-frequency sonic waves. Or maybe they'd have a locally-made breakfast cereal called "Tuba Charms", which would feature yellow, blue, yellow, green, yellow, red, yellow, rainbow, and yellow marshmallow tubas, with a little tuba-playing guy on the front of the box, who'd star in animated TV commercials, proclaiming the stuff to be "Magically Tubalicious!" in a really cheesy fake German accent. But these people weren't even wearing leiderhosen!! What the heck kind of place is it that calls itself Tuba City and doesn't have a single German band playing oom-pa-pa music? But no. No beer halls, no wienerschnitzel, no bratwurst, no TUBAS, fer cryin' out loud! I filled up the car in Tuba City, and I couldn't even get a freakin' bumper sticker reading "I GOT GAS IN TUBA CITY". I was looking forward to this place for 200 miles, I roll into town expecting tubas, and what do I get? Nothing. Not even a trombone. The gods looked down and laughed.

It was almost as bad as when, on the same trip (same day, in fact), we passed through Mexican Hat, Utah. You guessed it: not a single sombrero to be seen. Now, to be fair, they DID have Mexican restaurants, but none with a cheesy sombrero-style roof on it, and we get those even here in Colorado Springs! We did see some really bored-looking road-construction people doing their best to block traffic over a bridge, but I've seen hard hats like theirs all over the place, so I don't think they were distinctly Mexican or anything.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Reminds me of the time I visited Colorado Springs: I never could find the "Springs of the World" museum. What a rip.

From: Jim Menard (jimm.io.com)
Don't bother visiting Intercourse, Pennsylvania.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: First D1K, now Z1K
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/11

Richard Wilson wrote:
> But don't be intimidated - I'm never rude about submissions. Well, not often. Not very, anyway. Well, except to Ian Davis, but he's used to that sort of thing [1].
>
> [1] I have it on good authority he pays for it [2].
> [2] Well, not very good authority [3].
> [3] Actually, he's never submitted a zadocity, but that's a mere technicality.

Ooo, lovely. Thanks, the cheque's in the mail. Same time next week?

Ian.


From: Tim Allen (thristian.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1014
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/05

bang.netcom.com (B. Chas Parisher) wrote:
>Theran Cochran <theranc.geocities.com> wrote:
>>Anyways, can someone give me a synonym for thesaurus?
>"Otherwordly".
>Can someone give me a world that rhymes with silver, purple, and orange?

I name this planet, Ilversurpleporange!

I don't actually have the title deeds on me right now, but when your cheque is cleared, I can assure you that I'll give it to you.


From: Ken Taborek (oberon.erols.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1014
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/10

Aaron M. Ucko wrote:
> Munged Email <root.127.0.0.1> writes:
> > Yeah, but I haven't been posting to this thread. Hey, we're Americans. The only thing we know about spelling is that no word in English ends in -our without making an "hour" sound. In French, however,...
> Bzzt. four, pour, tour, your, etc.

Hmmm, power, and tower I know, but what are fower and yower?


From: Jim Menard (jimm.io.com)
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1014
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/13

Bob Gorski <rhaje.epix.net> writes:
> Lars Raeder Clausen wrote:
> > Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> > > In RHOD poker? +Everything+ is wild!
> > Except Unicorns on alternate Fridays, Queens when played after a red card or another non-wild card, Green Spleens if there are more than three windows in the room, and of course Jokers, unless they are played face-down, except in the seventh and following rounds, but not as the first or last card in a round, barring the case that all other cards are violet and not quadratic. And a few other cases that are so complicated I can never remember them.
> Which is all ignored if you're facing East on a Wednesday in a month that begins with 'M'.

Yeah, if you are using Vacuum Tube rules. Otherwise, the shirt color of the person to your left determines which suit is NOT wild; pants determine which face cards ARE wild in that suit.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Web TV
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/13

m.pack.... (Malcolm Pack) wrote:
>Also Sprach Blade-Runner:
>> >How can you be a true geek unless you have at least one computer and miscellaneous parts at home?
>> and a full length board that you can point at and say 'do you know what this cost new?'
>And a CP/M 2.2 Boot disk which "allows you to do more in 64k than Microsoft can manage in 64 Meg".

An automatic abacus with a hand-cranked mainspring and with the optional decorative alabaster bust of a woman who looks a little bit like Morgan Fairchild installed on top.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Narf.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/01

davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au "Ian Davis" writes:
> Dr.Rob wrote:
>> Well, I've been known to say "DAGNABBIT!" Especially after it gained social acceptance in the movie "Apollo 13."
> Sheesh. That's a bloody silly thing to say, by crikey. Heck, it's much better to say "zounds!", for crying out loud. Geez, I'm flaming embarrassed for you.

Ods bodikins, Davis - you're resonating morphically between threads now. Probably some cogno-intellectual hijinks, by the Lord Harry.


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: Narf.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/04

Richard Wilson wrote:
> Ods bodikins, Davis - you're resonating morphically between threads now. Probably some cogno-intellectual hijinks, by the Lord Harry.

You misspelled "bodkins." Honestly, you wouldn't know a cogno-intellectual hijink if it bit you on the leg.


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: I'm gonna regret this..
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/15

"Daniel Glick" <expertool.msn.com> wrote:
>Daniel, who is not looking forward to his NYC driving test.

Ooooh, I hear the "signs" portion of that one's a killer. You have to be able to use sign language to say "fuck you" to about twenty different ethnic groups. Good luck.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Purple People Eater! Want some DMP^H^Hinner?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/13

Also Sprach DMP:
> I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that the newbie guy said I was a saint...
> You can't eat saints can you? At least not without the dressings they prefer....

You're not a *proper* saint without martyrdom. I can see it now, echoing down the ages, stained glass windows and all:-

THE MARTYRDOM OF DUMPCARAT

A Martyrdom in Three Courses
with an Excellent 1989
Chateauneuf du Pape
and No Oregano


From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
What's wrong with oregano? I +like+ oregano.


From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
IT DON'T GO!

Blimey, Jeffrey! You stick to the B5 quotations and leave the barbecue to da expoits!

"Da expoits" in this case is da Frogs like me, da honourary Frogs like Kimberley, da people living in Frogland like whassisname, da people wot sounds like Frogs like Luc, etc. When we want Eyetalian herbs we'll cook some pasta. Or a pizza. Or something. Except Haddock and Halibut, cause dat don't go either.


From: Blade-Runner (black-dog.geocities.com)
Subject: Re: Purple People Eater! Want some DMP^H^Hinner?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

Jeffrey Kaplan <no.one.home.org> wrote:
>> On /long pork?/ - blechh!
>Oregano is one of those Wonder Spices, it goes good on almost anything. Including, IMO, DMP^H^Hinner.

Did you know that in the UK oregano is pronounced orriegarnoh. Is this significant?


From: Pete Krawczyk (pkrawczy.maxx.mc.net)
Subject: Re: In Defence of Aussie Food
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/10

Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu) wrote :
> Lionel Lauer <longword.newsguy.com> wrote:
> >"DMP" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
> >>I'm glad that I am considered better eating than tripe, black pudding, cow balls, road kill and maggots.
> >Hang on just a minute here, I happen to be *very* fond of black pudding, & I haven't tried you yet.
> Quite. I'm not sure why black pudding gets such a bad rap - I have fond childhood memories of my father frying up a pudding for a meal (usually breakfast, ISTR) and it was always as special treat.

Well, anything with an AC of 6, THAC0 of 11 and 3-24 HP damage per turn, plus 10 hit dice, well, I wouldn't trust it.

Especially when it's hiding well in the bowl, and you don't expect it.

If you guys feel strong enough to kill it first, feel free.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/04

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>>>I ain't no Bible skollar, but where, exactly, does the Bible say that pi=3?
>FYI, there is a proof whereby .999999999.... repeating is equal to one. Does anyone else know it? I'll wait a few days, then post the answer if no one else has.

I ain't no mathematician or nothin' but I can prove all odd numbers are prime:

1 -- prime
3 -- prime
5 -- prime
7 -- prime
9 -- We throw this one out as statically insignificant
11 -- prime
13 -- prime

Hell that ought to be a enough to convince anyone. QED all odd numbers are prime.


From: Lars Raeder Clausen (larsrc.stormbringer.irisa.fr)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/10

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Lars Raeder Clausen wrote:
>; again, aloud. Now write it on the wall. Then go out in the street and shout it. If it's a Sunday, go into a church and sing it. Send it in a letter to the President. Record it and put the tape in a time capsule. Write it with smoke in the sky. Play it on national radio. Make it a hit. Engrave it in forty-foot letters in a fjord in Norway. Teach it to a whale. Call a random person each morning and explain it. Make a virus that writes it all over the harddisk. Modulate the power to a lighthouse to send it in morse. Go into space and beam it down to the SETI. Scribble it on a neutron star. Whisper it to your lover.
> Lars? These nice men in the white jackets would like to have a word with you. They even brought a nice jacket for you to try on. The sleeves are a little long, but they say they can adjust that.

Oh, goodie, I always have such trouble finding long-sleeved jackets. Let me try it on. surfe makes it difficultb to type , though. ik'/ll havd troi go nowm, rthey say.,

-0lares 'booiring cokliouyr,m thoiuyggh' Clauysesn
x


From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: I missed sunday school last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

DMP wrote:
> My father, who is a mathematician, claims you can kill a mathematician just by tricking him into dividing by zero....I have my doubts about this...

Well, this has to be relatively easy to verify by experiment, so let us know how it goes. I doubt if he'll fall for the old 1=2 proof (*) though, but you've gotta love any universe that lets you do this - I want to live there.

Ian.

(*) to save posting again:
Let x=1
=> -x = -1
Add x^2 to both sides:
x^2 - x = x^2 - 1
=> x(x-1) = (x+1)(x-1)
Divide both sides by (x-1)
x = x+1
=> 1 = 2.

This won't fool your father, but it might win you a few beers in the pub (if it doesn't get you beaten up first).


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Sorry, we're full up. You'll have to stay elsewhere.

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Dammit, not again. Last time they at least supplied a stable.

From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Yes, but we're keeping our burro there now, you see...

From: Robert Bonomi (robert.bonomi.com)
AHAH! _that_ explains the line... where the wise men looked 'hither, thither, and Ian'.


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: I missed Sunday School last week (Re: pi=3 dammit)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

Ben Fisher wrote:
>DMP wrote:
>> Jerry James wrote in message ...
>> >While polishing his steely, Jeffrey Kaplan <jkaplan.world.std.com>
>> While 'polishing his steely' is this a reference to a Steely Dan?
>No. It's a euphemism for wanking.

Well I once heard that a 'steely dan' is type of metal dildo that was popular at the turn of the last century. Which would fit pretty well into this context then.

However, I have a hard time believing that dildos were popular before 1970. (By the by, in Texas it is illegal to sell dildos (but not vibrators) that mimic the appearance of a real penis (actually its also illegal to own three or more of them, since the belief is that that three is more than enough and if you have that many you must be trying to sell them) There is a place Texas that sells them and openly flaunts the law, a place in Austin called 'Forbidden Fruit' they make you sign a form that says you intend to use it for religious, educational or display purposes only (actually the sheet is quite funny since it covers pretty much everything *but* sexual pleasure) ).


From: Stig Hemmer (stig.pvv.ntnu.no)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/11

cierhart.ic.net (Otis Viles) writes:
> Consider this Oracle Priest to be a "small-minded loser" then. I really can't stand the "tough luck, this is the way I do it so everyone else cope" attitude. I routinely reject Oracularities because I have to wade through the MIME encoding.

So, tough luck, that's the way you do it so everyone else cope?


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/12

Jeffrey Kaplan <jkapllan.world.std.com> wrote:
> I'll see your James Bond and raise you a James Earl Jones.

It really was a pity when I heard that James Earl Jones had died. He was such a talented guy. And such an amazing turnaround in his life. I mean, he did start as an actor-- you can see a very young-looking James Earl Jones in "Dr. Strangelove". But then he went and shot Martin Luther King, Jr. Apparently he managed to reform himself, though. George Lucas believed in him and hired him to play Darth Vader. But this was before his parole, so he could only do the Vader's _voice_, recorded remotely from prison, over the phone. After his release he did some acting again, featuring in "Field of Dreams". Eventually, liver cancer caught up with him and he died, but not before King's family became convinced of his innocence. Such a strange life, all in all.


From: Julsy (avedon.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/12

Ian Davis wrote:
> Theran Cochran wrote:
> > I'll see your James Earl Jones and raise you Darth Vader.
> Ah, James Earl Jones. "Use the force, Simba..."

Ehem... so, ...if Ella Fitzgerald had married Darth Vader, --would that make her ...?


From: tc36212.glaxowellcome.com (tc36212.glaxowellcome.com)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

pkrawczy.maxx.mc.net (Pete Krawczyk) wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) wrote :
> > Matt Kerbel wrote:
> > ; Touche.
> > ; --Matt "my software doesn't want to let me put the `e' with the accent on it, and I can't be bothered to use Netscape for one post"
> > ééééééééééééééééé :)
> éééé
> Alt-numeric 130 is your friend.

No, it's not. It hates me. It wants to see me fail. I've seen it test nuclear bombs.

ééé

Ahh! Kill it!


From: Nils Deslé (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: Mime and the Oracle
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

Sunburst wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> >Not everyone on the internet is computer savvy. Get used to it. They shouldn't have to be...if they want to access the same information and entertainment that the rest of us do, they should be able to. And maybe
> Oops, ok, you've found an area where I do not agree with you. Internet/ Usenet is not a right, it's a privilege. And, like any other privilege, the people who use it should learn how to. Nothing has done more harm than the "computers are so *hard*, give me something which doesn't require thought to run" attitude, and the people who make money off of it.

Aargg ... I _so_ wasn't gonna do this, but I can't help it. Somehow, people have gotten the impression that I'm a newbie just because Outlook has no option to turn off mime encoding. Dagnabbit, I'm not! I started
this thread because I had problems with the lack of tolerance from some incarnations, not because I couldn't figure out which button to press. I could spend hours trying to prove to you I DO know how to use a computer, why, I remember, it must have been, oh, 7 years ago, when I was hand-optimizing my 8086 asm multitasking OS kernel, and I had a bug in my context-switching [4 pages of "amusing" IT experience anecdotes snipped by the "Mothers of Usenet Against Long-Winded Pompous Drivel" comittee] ...

Anyway, I agree with Ms. Chapman. We should be nice to newbies. Even though I'm not one of those. Really. Why won't anybody believe me? How do I unsubscribe from this list? This footpedal doesn't work, and my cup holder seems to be broken!

Nils "HEY, I JUST DISCOVERED THIS REALLY KEWL CAPS-LOCK KEY!!!!!" Desle


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
I totally agree, I know for a fact that everyone of us were newbies once and it was the fact that we persevered through hardship and flames--but more importantly that we received a little helping hand now and again--that we know what we know.

I'll tell you my story of first discovering fido-net so many god awful years ago:

It was a dark and stormy night...I had just purchased a 1200 baud modem, boy was I proud. I got a phone number from some where (I honestly don't remember where I got that first number from, I guess I pulled it out of my ass ("and here, we have newbie with four assess")). Anyway after three or four calls I found a fido-net board, and here people were posting messages FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD! Man I thought that was so cool.

I also thought it was more or less real time chat. So, I started replying to every message with things like, "how's the weather in Canada?" and "Gee, I wish I had a 2400 baud modem" and then later "Why isn't anyone answering me?" (mind you I had only been online 20 minutes or something and this is in the days when BBS's had only one modem, so it wasn't until 3:00 a.m. or so my messages would get posted and their messages wouldn't come back till the day after that, etc....) "How long is the delay on these messages" etc.

I was getting really frustrated and I really didn't understand how the system worked. Finally the SysOp broke in and explained to me what was going on, how it worked, and he promised to kill my stupid ass posts. I was so embarrassed that I immediately changed my handle and didn't go back to his board for like 6 months. Once I did go back we became friends and he taught me quite a bit about how the net was structured. I finally confessed that it was me that night and he told me that he still told that story as 'the most clueless newbie ever'.

So I've been there, I know how it is to be clueless...


From: Paul (zymurge_ululating_antimatter_histamine.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/12

jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>Paul wrote:
>; >I've never had athlete's foot, either. And that's a fungus.
>; Oh, that's right. And what might yeast be classified as? (Shouting) IS THERE A MYCOLOGIST IN THE HOUSE? WE _NEED_ A MYCOLOGIST!
>If fungus == yeast, mushrooms == fungus, then mushrooms == yeast?

Yes, that would follow logically, like the fact that Ray Charles is God.

As a matter of related interest, I often just dump a bunch of mushrooms into a vat of wort to make beer, rather than pitching a yeast culture. Funny, the beer doesn't foam up much, but WOW what a kick. You gotta be careful and wash all the cow poo off the shrooms first, though.

From: Ami (askinner.MAPSONgbconsulting.com)
Just forced from politeness to sample a batch of a friend's homemade beer. I'd have been grateful for a hint of cow poo. It might have gone a long way toward disguising the flavor of horse urine.
(and don't go asking me how I know what horse urine tastes like. let's just say I know and leave it at that)


From: DMP (dmparker.usa.net)
Subject: Re: Prescription advertizements
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/05/14

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>DMP wrote:
>; >1: Nothing beats a hot fudge sundae. 2: Graham crackers are better than nothing. 3: Therefore, Graham crackers are better than a hot fudge sundae.
>; Nope, doesn't work. You said it yourself in step two, Graham crackers are better than nothing, so they can't be better than anything. Even if nothing beats a hot fudge sundae...
>I didn't say anything about then not being better than anything, I said they were "better than nothing." And that "Nothing beats a ... sundae." Where's the gap in logic?

Frankly, the gap comes in the logic when you say that Graham crackers are better than a hot fudge sundae. Anyone knows that is silly.



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