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1998 11

From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've been digested!
Date: Thu, 26 Nov 1998 09:13:10 +0100

Matt Kerbel wrote:
> > I deny everything. I have never thrown any pies at anyone, and you people from KaCee's pub SHUT UP, you'll screw up my alibi! It wasn't me, it was Leonardo Di Caprio!
> I can buy that. String 'im up! Well, both of them... Leo and Bill.
> String 'em both up. 8)

Yes, Bill is MY HERO. I LOVE Bill. Bill is GOOD.
HAIL Bill!

Hey! That's not what I typed! I said I LOVE Bill. No! Dagnabbit, it's done it again! Everytime I try to type anything GOOD about Bill Gates, Outlook replaces it with something good! Damn! I'm gonna give all my money to Microsoft. Hey! Cut that out!

Nils "windows LOVER" Desle

Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1998 21:57:41 +1000
From: Talkam <moores.one.two.net.au>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Silence

Quoth the Raving:
> On 28 Nov 1998, jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca wrote:
> > Malcolm Pack wrote:
> >: All the Merkins are on a long weekend.
> >: Isn't it lovely and quiet?
> > The best part is, while they're away, we can climb over the fence and use their pool.
> Uhm... where do you think the brSff are?

Does this mean the Merkins have found out how we won all those medals in Koala Lumpy?

Step 1: Entice potential swimming star into pool at one end.
Step 2: Throw in large croc[1] at same end.
Step 3: Mumble "Fsck it this one's broken".
Step 4: Remove croc and spare parts.
Step 5: Go looking for faster potential swimming star.
Step 6: Repeat steps 1 to 5 until potential swimming star emerges from water at other end of pool with two legs[2], each complete with feet and toes.
Step 7: Yell at top of voice "GotanathaoneferyaLaurie"[3]

[1] Just like an Alligator only pointier
[2] No _not_ spare parts you missed in step 4
[3] Waddayamean you don't know who Laurie Laurence is?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan)
Subject: Re: Silence
Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1998 23:17:19 GMT

On the long flight back to Earth, Dr. Franklin had enough time to read this article from Kimberly Chapman:
; And here comes Nils screaming "they're FRIETEN!!!" with his mayonaise in hand.
; At least, we hope that's mayonaise. :P

"Looks like you blew a seal."

"That's just mayonnaise from my tuna sandwich. Now, just fix the fscking car, ok?"

From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca (jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/16

Test (angeguaz.tin.it) wrote:
: Body Test

Everything seems to be okay, there's a bit of a squeek in the left elbow, though, the spleen could use tightening, and you might want to consider having the lower intestine flushed.

From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca (jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/19

Tim Chew (twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com) wrote:
: We have one down here, if you want it.
: Tim "no fan of the Carolina Tropical Depressions" Chew

Very kind, but as I griped previously, I've already got an awful hockey team. Yep. Traded them Canucks for the Senators. It was a lateral move.

Maybe my problem is location. I need to move to one of those cities with long, noble hockey traditions, steeped in the history of the sport. Like Nashville, or San Jose.

From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca (jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/19

Tim Chew (twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com) wrote:
: You're missing the point. You can have TWO awful hockey teams, and we can have our basketball arena back.

I'm not sure I have that much closet space. Thanks anyway. No - really.

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.rmi.net)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/20

Jonas Whitespore wrote:
>jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca () wrote:
>>I live two blocks away from the site of the old Senators stadium, where they won the Stanley Cup in 1905. It's now a laundromat.
>That's alot of laundry.

That's the idea; the stadium was sealed up until it was watertight, and it's now the world's largest washing machine.

You should see the spin cycle.

From: Jonas Whitespore (edc81u4.newsguy.com)
Spin cycle, schmin cycle. I wanna ride in the dryer.

From: William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm}(wje.netcom.com)
'Specially with all those stanley cups in there.

From: Lars Clausen (lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/23

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca () wrote:
>; --
>; Where's my .sig?
> I'm holding it hostage. If you want your .sig released unharmed, I demand that all Incarnations stop their persecution of the innocent woodchuck.

Show me the innocent woodchuck, and I'm sure we can keep it safe. But I doubt you can: Woodchucks are born nocent.

> Plus $5,000,000 and a helicopter to get me out of zot range.

Sure, it's on the landing strip. Oh, the $5M is in cents, I hope you don't mind.

-Lars "Oh, you wanted the helicopter to be able to *fly*?" Clausen

From: Bill East (eastb.concentric.net)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/24

"DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>Catholics CAN eat capybaras on Friday, Catholics can't eat meat on Fridays, only fish, so the people in South America asked the pope to designate capybara's as fish, the wish was granted and now all the Catholics in South America eat giant water rodents on Friday.

It makes an interesting contrast to Australia, where people (especially away from the coast) had a difficult time finding fish. So the Pope declared that on Fridays all Catholics are dingos, and can therefore eat babies.

And that's nothing compared to Minnesota...

From: Talkam (moores.one.two.net.au)
Damn thats what went wrong. I was sure he'd said that on Fridays all Strayans are babies and can eat dingoes.

From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/26

Paul wrote:
; But of course. You know better than to take me seriously here. Except in this case. I mean, when I tell you that I was joking before, I hope you take me seriously that I was joking before, and not serious then, and that I'm not joking now, but I am serious about joking before.

If you bring that sentence in by 9:00am, I can have it shortened for you by 5:00pm.

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/26

Also Sprach Jeffrey Kaplan:
> I thought the Pope was elected from the College of Cardinals.

I gotta go back to college just to stand for Pope? Sheesh!

From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca (jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/30

Lars Clausen (lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu) wrote:
: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca wrote:
: We do have a FAQ. The location is in the FAQ. It was also posted here some months ago (in several versions, even).
: > JIM, loyal subject and supplier of weapons-grade Inuit sculpture to the BQDG
: Issat the new IG-LU 75X "Sealclubber" Icefloe-to-Glacier 'smart' Inuit sculpture? With wave recognition? I heard rumours about such a beast, but never got my hand on one. Care to spill a few details?

Well, naturally many details are still classified by the Canadian government, but here's what I can reveal..

  • developed in the early '90's to counteract the Soviet NANOOK Inter-Tundra Intermediate Range Whalebone sculpture
  • the "Sealclubber" has been seen active duty in such combat theatres as Desert Storm, Bosnia, and Prime Minister Jean "Killer" Chretien's den
  • can take down a polar bear at up to 2.5 kilometres (417 miles)
  • the much talked about "wave recognition" system, code-named "Fat Eskimo", can pinpoint hostiles by their intestinal marine reaction disturbance (techno-babble for "fart bubbles")
  • promises to be the most popular high-tech Native art/weapons system to hit the Northwest Passage since the Haida Potlach Protector 3000

All this can be yours for just under the price of pocket nuclear warhead!

JIM, sales rep, the Arsenal of Freedom

From: DMP (ten.asu.rekrapmd)
Subject: Re: Test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/30

Kimberly Chapman wrote in message ...
>Paul wrote:
>>jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca wrote:
>>>Hamsters. Big ones.
>>Sorry, Richard Gere will NOT portray you in the movie about your life.
>So who's gonna play me, then?

Richard Gere?

From: Tim Chew (twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Help
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/11/12

"Moogle" <martin_moogle_guardian.bigfoot.com> wrote:
>><cry = "Vincent Price">
>>Help me!
>Does that mean Oracle Priests don't get paid? All that time spent sifting through YES NO HELL answers for nothing? Eek.

If you count being a guinea pig for Zadoc's dental students as being paid, then sure, we get paid.

BTW, I found a job tonight. It's amazing what desparation will do. I understand the dress code involves a nice white coat which ties in back.

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.sas.upenn.edu)
I had one of those, but I could never seem to get the arms untangled.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies swim in a padded bowl

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