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1998 09

Subject: Re: Australia, Australia, Australia - We love you
From: Barry O'Neill <boneil.cableinet.co.uk>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 6 Sep 1998 14:43:44 GMT

Paul Andinach wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> > Richard McAteer (rmcateer.chat.carleton.ca) writes:
> > > The "Daddy long legs", however, is not a spider. For one thing, it has an external penis, which no spider possesses.
> > I am somewhat concerned that you are so familiar with bug weenies.
> That's nothing. There's an Australian scientist who's designed a pump specially for inflating the genitals of certain type of insect for identification purposes.

Sicko. Why not just buy them copies of "Playinsect"?

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: A Confession
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/14

I have a confession to make.

All these years, whenever I've written "HAND," I've really meant "Have a nasty day." It's all been one long cruel joke, at your expense. I can't believe you all fell for it over and over again. I'm so terribly, terribly sorry.



From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Subject: Re: FAQ
Date: 29 Sep 1998 00:00:00 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

DMP wrote:
> The rhod FAQ would have things like:
> 1) Why is that DMP guy so well hung?

If you age your game before cooking, it's more tender.

> 2) Where can I get nifty body piercings?

See KaCee. She has a thing for daggers lately.

> 3) How do I get beautiful access to breasts?

See #2.

> 4) Is everyone here really as geeky as they seem?


> 5) What's the deal with the poker cascades?

See #4.

> 6) What's the deal with all the other cascades?

See #5.

> 7) How come nobody ever talks about the Oracle?

He has a Zot staff.

> 8) Where's the smoking area?


> 9) How can I read all this everyday and still do my job?

Job? Don't be silly.

> 10) Is there anyone here who is *not* nuts?

Just the squirrly ones. (And the females.)

> 11) Do the math people actually know math, or are they just pulling our leg?


> 12) How big are Kimberly's breasts?


> 13) Does Kimberly really look like Drew Barrymore?

At a certain angle, and with her hair braided, yes.

> 14) What childhood trauma did Nils suffer that made him afraid of SNIKES?

Steve the loony is really from Belgium.

> 15) What is a SNIKE?

It's how you say "snake" after too many Fosters.

> 16) Are all SNIKES diddly SNIKES?

Only the ones from Australia.

> 17) Why is Luc French?

That would stump the Oracle.

> 18) Why is it a newsfroup?

Fringe lunatics and all.

> 19) Who is B1FF and why is he not here?

He is here, just see Tom Tom's page.

> 20) How do I convert to between real measurements and the metric system?

Ask the US Government.

> 21) Why is the sky blue?

Rayleigh scattering.

> 22) Do the fruitcakes here read every message closely?

You damn betcha.

> 23) Who is Kibo, and is he here? (actually *I* want to know that one, even though we've been over it, it didn't make any sense (yes I realize he's the founder of Kibology, or something))

I'll defer this to Jeffrey.

> 13) What's the deal with the bright red Siamese fighting fish, and just how many people have them?

See oracularity #996-07

> 14) Have you heard Richard Fitzpatrick?

He's off with Patric Fitz... uh, no. I won't.

> 15) Will the cannibals please stand up?

Now that we're all up, lets get a beer.

> 16) Are spelling flames good flames?

Only if you get a good laugh out of it.

> 17) What does FF mean?

French Fry.

> 18) What other meanings are there to FF?

Foo Foo.

> 19) Why do you people insist on trying to out-do one another in everything?

Not everything, just most things.

> 20) 16 letter acronyms, if you try to solve one less than 30 minutes after eating, will you get a cramp?

I don't know. My brain hurts YFF.

> 21) Cherry lemons, the non-sequitor thing, *again*?

<Graham Chapman> Lemon Curry? </Graham Chapman>

> 22) What's that odor?

Oregano on long pork.

> 23) How do I become "cool" like that DMP guy?

Wait for the barbeque to die down.

> 24) How come people insist on talking about their sexuality, doesn't that belong in alt.sex.something.perverse?

Sure, but what fun would *that* be?

> 25) How come no one ever mentions the Oracle?

I have this incredible feeling of deja vu.

> 26) Does shoe size really having anything to do with penis envy?

Why do women want their shoe sizes to be so small?

> 27) Why am I so envious of DMP's penis?

DMP's Penis. That has a certain "ring" to it.

> 28) How come DMP's penis is part of this FAQ at all?

It's just a little part.

> 29) Can't you people be serious about *anything*?

anything: 1. Any object, act, state, event, or fact whatever; thing of any kind; something or other; aught; as, I would not do it for anything. 2. Expressing an indefinite comparison; -- with as or like.

> 30) Does anyone want to French Luc?

Not for anything.

> 31) What can Tim Chew?

"A merry Christmas" and "in the name of the law".

> 32) Does mastication cause blindness?

Only after squicking.

> 33) Since this FAQ was written in 1998, and it could now be something like 2010, does any of it matter? (I suspect this is the real reason there is no FAQ and never will be)


> 34) If it's 2010, should I still be envious of DMP's penis?

Silly rabbi, he only takes tips.

> 35) Who's afraid of the letter j?

The three little Europeans.

> 36) Is a J more dangerous than a j?

J don't thjnk J know.

> 37) Can a J or a j be diddly?

Only if you stand next to them when Nils is around.

> 38) What happened to the kid in Toronto who didn't pay attention to the FAQ's?

He died of information underload.

> 39) Do you really expect me to believe the story of the kid in Toronto that didn't pay attention to the FAQ's?

Only if you're from Canada.

> 40) What happened to the kid in Toronto who didn't believe the story about the kid in Toronto who didn't pay attention to the FAQ's?

He died from a didly SNIKE bite.

> 41) I put the hamster in the microwave, now what?

What? No Pop-Tarts?

> 42) Where is this FAQ kept and how is it maintained?

On rhod and it's updated daily.

> 43) Isn't this suppose to be a discussion about the Oracle?


> 44) Is the Oracle as envious of DMP's penis as I am?


> 45) Why do people shout KEYBOARD so often?

They got tired of shouting "THAT FUCKING BILL GATES!!!"

> 46) What happened to the kid in Toronto who drank coffee while reading rhod?

His nose and keyboard died.

> 47) What happened to the kid in Toronto who claimed not to be envious of DMP's penis?

He died of a trowserSNIKE bite.

> 48) I obviously don't know the things you people know, but I know a lot of other things and my language skills are pretty good, do I qualify?

Yes, you are the new FAQ maintainer.

> 49) How much can Malcolm Pack?

He could Pack as much Malc as a Malcolm Pack should.

> 50) Is Tom Tom part of that cool 80's band?


> 51) Did Daniel E. Macks write that cool text editor?

No, Bill Joy did.

> 52) Is DMP married, or is his penis available?

Since he wrote the question, yes.

> 53) Was this question put in just to bring the total FAQ's to 53?

You wouldn't be so obvious.

> Well, that's all I can think of.


From: Richard Cohen (richardc.sco.com)
Subject: Re: FAQ
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/29

Malcolm Pack <m.pack....> wrote:
>The problem with a FAQ is that it should answer Frequently Asked Questions.
>Rather than try to do a Dejay News search for "?" in rhod, perhaps folk could append some Q to this missive. If they are A more than a couple of times, this counts as F, and they'll become official FAQ and a formal FAQ can be thereby derived.
>I'll start.
>What is the difference between rho and rhod?



From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: FAQ
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/29

Also Sprach Tom "Tom" Harrington:
> How does one become a priest(ess) of the Oracle?

Tell me, Tom Tom, for how long have you wanted to be a priestess?

From: Ian Davis (davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au)
Subject: Re: A Confession
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/15

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> -- Kimberly "Making every thread sexual since 1994" Chapman

Actually, the most effective way of making almost any comment into a suggestive one is to reply, "That's what she said," with the emphasis on the "she." Try it, it works [].

[] That's what she said.

From: Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A Confession
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/20

Tom "Tom" Harrington:
; Rule #1 of band names: Never make up a name and assume that nobody has ever used it before. When names like The Butthole Surfers, the Dead Milkmen, Throbbing Gristle, and Toad the Wet Sprocket have actually been used, there's no such thing as "too weird".
; The The can be found at

The who?

From: Lars Clausen (lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu)
Subject: Re: A Confession
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/23

Tom Harrington wrote:
> BTW: I didn't see Spice World, but Mr. Loaf did have a cameo in "Wayne's World", as a bouncer. And he had a very ... uh ... meaty... role in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

At least it wasn't steam again.

-Lars "50 ways to love your lever" Clausen

From: Nils Desle (nils.desle.cegeka.be)
Subject: Re: A Confession
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1998/09/30

Paul wrote:
> >I can't wait to be a dad. I'm gonna rule.
> >Nils "as if" Desle
> Funny, now that she's "all grown up" (or so she thinks), she thanks me and her mom occasionally for having a sense of humor. She said recently that she's known kids whose parents didn't have a sense of humor, and now they've grown up without one, and boy are they dull. I always thought my biggest responsibility as a dad was providing a safe, loving environment, nourishing food and firm discipline. As it turns out, I had it all wrong. To be a good dad, all you have to do is show the occasional Python film, and things will turn out okay.

[scribbling furiously on a small notepad with a blunt pencil]

Python films, humour, discipline, got that. Any other tips?


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