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1999 04

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Best Hamburgers (Was Re: Americans and Canadians)
From: Nathan Sullivan <nsulliv.pacbell.net>
Date: 05 Apr 1999 15:42:56 -0700

Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu.STOPSPAM> writes:
> Say, what's that up there, six lines up? Oh my god, you buried the Cascade Cop!

Mmrph, mmph! Mmph mph mmrph mrph mph!

--Mmphm "Mph Mmrphmrph Mrrphm" Mrphmrph


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This is not a thread. Do not follow-up to this post.
From: Keith Drake <pusher.spacestar.net>
Date: Fri, 02 Apr 1999 14:45:02 -0600

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
> Mr. Garibaldi saw this article from DMP in Universe Today while his daughter played tennis with Dr. Franklin::
> ; I totally agree. bash rocks (and I used to be csh fanatic, but bash is
> Bash rocks? With what should we bash them with?

bash rocks with hammer
.I see no hammer here
with sword
.I see no "with Sword" here
Bash rocks with sword
.I do not know how to bash
HIT ROCKS WITH SWORD
.There's no need to shout
I'LL SHOUT IF I WANT TO!
.Well then, I guess I won't help you out if I don't want to
I'LL bash YOU with a F**KING HAMMER
.I don't think that will help matters any
GO TO HELL
.You go fall into a giant crevice in the earth that instantaneously closes after you. You fall, for what seems like an eternity. Suddenly, you hear the moans and wails from billions of tormented souls, yours will soon be added. Finally, you land, face first on a pile of rusty razor blades, as the blood rushes from your face, you are showered with turpentine (you now know how that cat felt, and you laugh uncontrollably, to yourself). As the turpentine evaporates, the pain becomes unbearable and you lose consciousness. When you awaken, you look around.
.It is unusually warm. There is fire here. There is Satan here.
Ha, Ha, very funny
.Remembering the cat again, you laugh aloud this time.
Go Up
.I see no up here
FU*.#$! NO CARRIER

Keith "GAWD I need to get into Zork again!" D.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1084
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 7 Apr 1999 20:22:31 GMT

In article <7efrn1$2k2.freenet-news.carleton.ca>, Matt Kerbel wrote:
>Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca) writes:
>> JIM, has trouble with possessives that already end in s [1]
>> [1] Yes, that includes Evans'/Evans's
>Simple solution... you must give away all of your worldly possessions. HTH. HAND.

ITYM "you must give away all of your worldly posession's". HTH HAND.

The real meaning of an apostrophe is "Look out! Here comes an 's'!!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wow
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 08 Apr 1999 11:47:07 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Stuff written by Lars Clausen:
> >-Lars "Has sworn fealty to Sir Kegg of Westfield" Clausen
> Does anyone ever take names like Sir Loin of Pork and such?

Again, addressed by that superlative satirist Mr. B. Bunny Esq, I think in the motion picture "Knighty Knight Bugs" circa 1958 unless memory fails me. There was Sir Loin of Beef, Sir Osis of the Liver, and probably others I missed.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I have no fish, and I must scream.
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Mon, 12 Apr 99 16:08:54 GMT

hetta.saunalahti.fi "Henriette Kress" writes:
> Thank you ever so much. Here's a couple earworms you might enjoy as much as I
> enjoyed yours [1]:
> ... and it's an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini ...

You'll be interested to know that my sig generator _Latin for Even More Occasions_ translates this as "... ceston atque cingulum parvissimos minutissimos natatorios flavos ocellatos ..."

> ... I am sailing I am sailing far away cross the sea ...
> ... greensleeves was all my joy, greensleeves was my delight ...
> HTH HAND and just ask me if you need more of these delightful melodies.

Ah well, if we're resorting to personal dysfavourites as opposed to universally acknowledged godawfulness, my vote goes to the ditty below (words changed so as not to speak ill of the dead):

And now the end is near
And so I send the final askme
My friend, I'll say it clear
I'd sooner suffer chronic acne
I've wasted all my life
Upon a pointless occupation
Oh god, I truly am
An incarnation

Digests, I've made a few
But then again, too few to mention
And now that I am through
I will not even get a pension
To be the Oracle
It's a fate far worse than damnation
Oh tell me, who would be
An incarnation

For what is the point, what do you get
The scrapings of the Internet
Those supplicants are, every one
B1FF clones and Juno's bastard sons
They've got a nerve, they don't deserve
An incarnation

The priests, they make a fuss
How all our answers don't excite them
But spare a thought for us
The poor old sods that has to write them
Each question that arrives
Its lameness causes such vexation
Who knows the anguish of
An incarnation

Yes, there were times I cried to see
The umpteenth Star Trek parody
Python quotes here, null questions there
Those wretched woodchucks everywhere
I did them all, I had the balls
For incar-na-tion!

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---Thank you, thank you, you've been a wunnerful audience--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Announcement! And 2 questions.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 12:52:07 -0400

On 17 Apr 1999, Arizona Kat wrote:
> This morning, before I was ready to be awake, Bailey the Alpha Cat began to trap and torture the most enormous, disgusting, fly-like creature I've ever had to hunt for later [1]. The size of two thumbs, it was the biggest non-moth, non-beetle, non-cicada flying insect I've ever seen, with hairy legs, huge bulging eyes, and a wing-thrumb that rivaled a 747, and which forced me out of bed [2] before the alarm went off.

Clearly a demon from one of the lower rings of Hell. That makes me feel a little better about the two-inch long albino gigapedes that occasionally crawl in through my kitchen sink.

Sounds like you have a little portal to the Dimension of Pain somewhere. Check behind the fridge.

JIM, if you dare!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Announcement! And 2 questions.
From: calieber.bu.edu (Charles A. Lieberman)
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 19:55:39 -0400

Lars Clausen
> Yeah, the same kind of respect you get for memorizing the first 300 digits of pi.

I've memorized all the digits of pi. Just not the order they go in.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 'nother rejection letter (long extract to inspire KC)
From: Nathan Sullivan <nsulliv.pacbell.net>
Date: 17 Apr 1999 16:05:20 -0700

"tim wren" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.nospam> writes:
> Tim (what about Nathan, the undercover cascade cop?) Wren

Who's undercover?

What? Oh, right sweetie. Be right there.

--Nathan "Undercover suddenly sounds rather appealing" Sullivan


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: permanent anomaly
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 18 Apr 1999 13:58:02 +1000

Stuff written by Paul Andinach:
>Here, have a 100-point note.
>It's a fake, which I made in my basement, so it's not actually worth anything, but you deserve a 100-point note, and you can at least take it as an excuse to feel really good about yourself.

Hmmm.. I guess you don't know about the recent transition to RHODpoints. The RHOD Union has recently standardised on RHODpoints as the currency for all transactions involved in the normal day-to-day running of the group. This replaces items such as (but not limited to) kudos, hubri, congratulations, and the older "bonus" points.

The only other currency we will accept is credits. No conversions to or from any other currencies that have, are, or ever will be invented by man will be permitted.

There have been reports of a lurker offering to do conversions between credits, RHODpoints, Flanaian Pobble Beads, Altarian Dollars, and the Triganic Pu, but such actions are frowned upon.

>If an Easter egg hatches, does a baby easter come out?

Logic like that is what helps me find accountants (with terminology like "nest egg") so innately ridiculous.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, Kim really _does_ have a job!
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 21 Apr 1999 17:25:34 +1000

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be> said:
> : Yeah! Besides, I like Microsoft. You can slag off Unix any day of the week though. What? OW!
> Well some people like Communism too. But as it was implemented it was inefficient, impractical, run by people out-of-touch with those affected by the system, focused on symbol over substance, failed to perform according to the specs, squandered resrouces just to keep the system going, nearly destroyed the world, and finally collapsed when the People spoke and said "fuck this!"

Funny, that happened to Communism too.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, Kim really _does_ have a job!
From: Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be>
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 10:23:13 +0200

Tom Tom Harrington wrote:
> In article <371D85AB.461897A8.cegeka.be>, Nils Desle wrote:
> >"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> >> Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be> said:
> >> : Yeah! Besides, I like Microsoft. You can slag off Unix any day of the week though. What? OW!
> >> Well some people like Communism too. But as it was implemented it was inefficient, impractical, run by people out-of-touch with those affected by the system, focused on symbol over substance, failed to perform according to the specs, squandered resrouces just to keep the system going, nearly destroyed the world, and finally collapsed when the People spoke and said "fuck this!"
> >And they threw away their archaic commandline interface and embraced the consumer-oriented capitalist MS-Windows. How true.
> >Nils "Bill Gates for President!" Desle
> Hey, Nils, do me a favor and hold this target for a moment. That's it, right on your chest there...

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot
shoot: not enough parameters

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot --help

shoot 1.0.2.8.5.23.9.0.0.6.5 GPL 1974 - El Geeko

Usage:
shoot -[eruIklVbAEMvnNKaipcBWZhfO8XsqjdFy3G] user

Parameters (short version):

  • e: shoot user with energy rifle
  • r: shoot user with rifle
  • u: shoot user with user
  • I: shoot user with self
  • k: shoot user with Kannon
  • l: shoot user with long rifle
  • V: shoot user with Very long rifle
  • b: shoot user with bb gun
  • A: shoot user with ass
  • E: shoot user with elephant gun
  • M: shoot user with machine gun
  • v: shoot user with vaseline
  • n: shoot user with nothing
  • N: shoot user with Nose
  • K: shoot user with kamel
  • a: shoot user with anvil
  • i: shoot user with innocent bystander
  • p: shoot user with penis
  • c: shoot user with cluster bomb
  • B: shoot user with banana bomb
  • W: shoot user with whatever

[More]
q

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot -E nils
unknown user "nils"

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot -E Nils
unknown user "Nils"

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot -E nilsd
unknown user "nilsd"

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% shoot -E ndesle
unknown user "ndesle"

Message: You have been shot by user nils.desle with a MegaNuke (WinShoot
V1.0 EasyClick)

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% GODDAMIT *^(.#*^.(#*&!(#&
God now damned. User death imminent.

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% SHIT!
Core dumped.

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% logout
unknown command

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% logoff
unknown command

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% quit
unknown command

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% bye
unknown command

/usr/eleetUnixHackerWithWindowsEnvy/% FUCK
reproductive organs not responding

<CLICK>

Nils "man troll" Desle



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