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1999 12 C

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 6 Dec 1999 04:36:05 GMT

Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> said:
> Screwtape did thusly type:
>>Tim is an illusion.
>Son of a... Just when you think it's okay to start trusting reality. I guess it's okay, reality's not the illusion, I am, or we are. Are all Tims illusions?
>What will my girlfriend say?

"Ohhhhhhh, Dan! You're so much better than that Tiny Tim fellow!"

I aksed her if she thought you'd mind my...ya know..., but she said you don't usually have any hard feelings.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies already called in sick for tomorrow

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 13:24:21 GMT

Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
>teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe]) writes:
>> Paul wrote:
>> >Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>> >>Rich Churcher wrote:
>> >>> (Donald Welsh) writes:
>> >>> > "Lane Gray, Czar Castic"
>> >>> > >Donald Welsh wrote
>> >>> > >>(Screwtape)wrote:
>> >>> > >>>All Tims are illusions, except for Lunch Tim, who is doubly so.
>> >>> > >>Tim flies like an arrow.
>> >>> > >Tim keeps on slippin' into the future.
>> >>> > Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the Tim.
>> >>> Tim after Tim.
>> >>Tim in a bottle.
>> ><Leon>Wake up! Tim to die!</Leon>
>> He was the best of Tims, he was the worst of Tims.
>Alright, stop that now. This isn't even a proto-cascade; this is a full-blown cascade, and I won't have it. All of you, into the paddy wagon. I'll show those Seattle police how to handle people like you.
>> OH MY GHOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE??? Forgive me Nathan Teh w**dch*ck made me do it!
>Of all the people to go bad. You'll got some Very Special Treatment(tm).

Yeah, they're gonna throw away the key and you're gonna do hard Tim for this, bucko.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 22:53:44 -0500

trog wrote:
> Tim Chew wrote ...
>> > *sob*
>> > Hey, Chew, are you feeling as threatened as I?
>> Are you kidding? This is as close to pandering to my ego as it ever gets. Keep it up. Hell this is one cascade I'll be watching.
> I can't wait 'til the proverbs start - like "The trouble with our Tims is that the future is not what it used to be."

Sound like an invitation to look up Tim in a book of quotes...

Tim is a great equalizer, even in the field of morals. (HL Mencken)

The inaudible and noiseless foot of Tim. (Shakespeare)

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander Tim, for that is the stuff life is made of. (Ben Franklin)

Unhappy is he who trusts only to Tim for his happiness. (Voltaire)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 1999 16:44:58 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Jason Willoughby schrieb:
>>Sound like an invitation to look up Tim in a book of quotes...
>>Tim is a great equalizer, even in the field of morals. (HL Mencken)
>>The inaudible and noiseless foot of Tim. (Shakespeare)
>>Dost thou love life? Then do not squander Tim, for that is the stuff life is made of. (Ben Franklin)
>>Unhappy is he who trusts only to Tim for his happiness. (Voltaire)
>...so much to .sig, so little time...
>I think I'll take the first one.

You cannot kill Tim without injuring eternity.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 00:34:01 +1100

Teh [tie:poe] schrieb:
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>>You cannot kill Tim without injuring eternity.
>You're sure about that? Tim for some empirical proof, do you have a second screwtape?

No, there's only one of me, and I like my life status (i.e. "living") just as it is.

>Just wait here while I get Teh goat.

She's mine! She only obeys my words!

Daisy: Maaa! <BZAP!>

No, no, that's OK. I think the curtains look good with that kind of oblique singed edge.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 19:32:15 GMT

In article <slrn84p9me.k45.dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu>, Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> said:
>>Also Sprach Rich Churcher:
>>> Tim after Tim.
>>Acktcherly, "Boing! Tim for bed." makes me sound like some kind of prevert, so I ain't gonna say it.
>Tim for Teletubbies! Tim for Teletubbies!
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if Teletubby asses keep making that honking sound when they have sex

Hmmm.... The Teletubbies do not appear to have the same physiology as humans, so it's probably not accurate to guess that their sexual habits are similar to those of humans. They do not have anything that is readily identifiable as genitalia as we know it. However, given that asexual reproduction seems unlikely for an apparently animal life-form, some form of sexual organs must be present. Or in other words, they've got nads, Jim, but not as we know them.

Examining Teletubby anatomy reveals only one likely sexual organ: the curled spires at the tops of their heads. This is the only anatomical difference among the four known Teletubby specimens, and narration indicates that these four do in fact represent a mixed-sex sample of the Teletubby population. This indicates a curious difference between the Teletubbies and humans, namely that there are at least four distinct types of Teletubby genitals. It is not currently known if the four televised Teletubbies are representative of the entire species, or merely a random sample, so there's no way to know if other genital variations exist. Narrative comments on the program describe Tinky Winky and Dipsy as "he", and Laa-Laa and Po as "she", but evidence suggests that this is a failing of the English language to accurately describe a polysexual species. It's not clear which, if any, of the Teletubbies could accurately be called "male" or "female".

This suggests that Teletubby sex follows very different patterns than human sex. In examining the four captive specimens, it seems likely that:

  • Dipsy's prong-like genitalia make "him" the most sexually versatile, capable of sexual intercourse with all of the others.
  • Laa-Laa's twisted genitalia likely make it difficult for "her" to have sex with either Tinky Winky or Po. Anything beyond extremely shallow insertion would be very difficult and prone to getting "stuck".
  • Po and Tinky Winky are probably sexually incompatible, in the sense that it is physically impossible for them to engage in sexual intercourse. Other sex acts may, of course, be possible.

Therefore it seems likely that Dipsy is the sexually dominant member of the population.

In any case, it would seem that if Teletubby asses honk during sex, that this honking is incidental to the sexual activity. Sexual intercourse for Teletubbies does not necessarily involve anything near the abdomen. And the apparent lack of a rectum makes anal sex an impossibility.

The real question is, how many times do they say "Again! Again!" before their energy runs out?

P.S. There is an episode of Teletubbies in which Po demonstrates to the others just how well "she" can blow them all, including Tinky Winky. More study is clearly warranted.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: Michael Guenther <mbguenth.physics.purdue.edu>
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 15:03:40 -0500

Geddow Dama Way wrote:
> Nobody Knows wrote:
> > Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> > > Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com> said:
> > > > Rich said:
> > > > >Tim after Tim.
> > > > But This Tim... Is The Last Tim.
> > > He was the best of Tims, he was the worst of Tims.
> > These are the Tims that try mens' souls...
> Nah, there's no Tim like the present, so let the good Tims roll.

The fundamental things apply, as Tim goes by.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: [RHOD] If you want me to quit, quit encouraging me!
From: Jeff Zeitlin <jzeitlin.cyburban.com>
Date: 8 Dec 1999 15:24:02 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com> wrote:
>These are the Tims that try mens' souls...

May you live in interesting Tims.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 16:13:54 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis> said:
>>The incoherent ramblings of SamIAm seemed to say:
>>>Karen <karenjohnson.infoave.net.nospam> wrote:
>>>>Tim Chew wrote:
>>>>> Thursday night I went to my first hockey game, and for all y'all who said I would enjoy it if only I watched it live, well I just have to say...
>>>>> Wait for it.
>>>>> You were wrong. Honestly, I found it boring for the same reason a lot of people (me included) find NASCAR boring. Sure, there was a lot of action, but it got repetitive. Up the ice, down the ice, up the ice, down the ice, and every once in a great while someone scores.
>>>>Sounds like basketball. Up the court, down the court, score, up the court, score, down the court, score.... etc and so on.
>>>What sport can't be described like that..
>>Well, it's stretching the definition of sport, but there is golf and bowling...
>Strangely, full-court bowling hasn't quite caught on yet...too many defense injuries.


Throw throw throw. Curse. Retrieve. Drink beer. Throw curse throw throw curse. Retrieve. Drink beer. Throw throw curse throw curse curse. Retrieve. Drink beer. Throw drink beer throw drink beer curse. Drink beer. Say, "oops!" Retrieve. Drink beer. Curse. Punch opponent on the ear. Apologize. Bend over, cradling cojones. Apologize again. Start breathing. Drink beer.

I just love that game.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 99 17:43:35 GMT

karenjohnson.infoave.net.nospam "Karen" writes:
> Sounds like basketball. Up the court, down the court, score, up the court, score, down the court, score.... etc and so on.

That, or the life of Henry VIII.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*-----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
-I was going to say Prince Charles, but then who would have got it?-

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 09 Dec 1999 17:02:14 GMT

cclovis.mindspring.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:

Once upon a time, a witch doctor went to see his first game of baseball. When he got home, the tribe asked him what happened. He described the stadium, the fans, the beautiful blue sky, the pristine green field, the starched uniforms, and the *action*:

>>Team at bat: Hit the ball, run in a circle. Hit the ball, run in a circle. Hit the ball, run in a circle.
>Swing at ball, go sit down. Swing at ball, go sit down. Curse at umpire. Kick dirt.
>>Team in the field: Catch the ball, throw the ball. Catch the ball, through the ball. Catch the ball, throw the ball.
>Watch ball go over fence into bleachers. Drop the ball, look stupid.

The tribe was breathless, spellbound at this description. A young child piped up, "What happened then?"

The witch doctor replied, "White man sure know how to make rain!"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A solution to my problem that does not require any work by anyone besides me.
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999 10:20:22 -0800

Twelve monkeys claiming to be "Daniel Glick" <dg371.appendix.is9.nyu.edu> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> An infinite group of monkeys
>Hey, the foreape wishes it known that there are not infinite monkeys, just a very large number of them.

*sigh* It's true. With demand so high here is Silicon Valley, the attrition level has been horrendous. I started out with an infinite number, mostly acquired through Venture Capital grants. I also hired teams of qualified gibbons to run ops, dogs for HR, and of course weasles for sales and marketing.

At first things were a fantastic success. We got contracts from Microsoft, Apple, and hundreds of other companies to write documentation. New-Hires were trained by converting Asian manuals into English and German. The press trucks were at our complex constantly. We even started turning a profit, and our IPO was fantastic.

Morale was sky high. We installed expresso bars and foosball tables.

Then the trouble started. It started with a slew of bad press about the company. I tried to find out the source, and discovered that we held the source contract for both AP and Reuters. It turns out that the dissent was a "practical joke" started by some of the orangutans.

I tried to quietly discipline them but it just kind of backfired. Apes can hold a helluva grudge. Soon I was getting resignation notices from some of the team. They were getting hired by Netscape for some project called "Mozilla" and there was this guy named "Torvalds" that had an interesting idea.

Other monkeys joined them, our stock price plummeted, and it looked like curtains.

We've restructured a bit. I've promoted a number of monkeys to management positions and hired back some of the wayward apes from Microsoft. We're coming back, but it's a slow road. It's a hard fought learning experience. I've got a team of them writing the book right now.

I'm sorry, but it still hurts when I'm cut off on 101 by a Lexus full of chimps. I wish them well, but as I see them careen into oncoming traffic, I just hope they remember the good times....

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A solution to my problem that does not require any work by anyone besides me.
From: "Nobody Knows" <dmparker.usa.net>
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 09:51:17 -0800

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis> said:
> > Pooglian seemed to say:
> > Okay, my spellchecker (which doesn't even recognize "spellchecker") didn't even flinch at that one. WTF?
> You've got "ignore words all in uppercase" checked in options, posting prefs, spelling.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This is getting out of hand
From: Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu>
Date: 07 Dec 1999 11:48:20 -0800

"Mike Jewell" <Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net> writes:
> BFN,
> /\/\ike 'You won't stop me!' Jewell

The Cascade Cop stares at /\/\ike for a moment before turning, climbing into his squad car, and driving off. /\/\ike congratulates himself for a fine bit of rhetoric and begins his walk home.

As he crosses the Donut Road, he briefly considers stopping off for a couple of glazed maple bars. However, one look at the nearest shop cures him of this notion. /\/\ike makes a mental note to move to an apartment complex closer to the other end of the Road. He continues walking.

Suddenly, /\/\ike realizes that something is odd. The street is unusually quiet, and has been since he left the Cascade Cop. "How odd," he thinks to himself, "there's always kids playing on this block. What's going on?" He decides to move a little faster. The silence worries him, though he's not sure why.

Soon, /\/\ike reaches the entrance to his complex. As he puts his key in the front door lock, he hears a noise behind him. /\/\ike whirls to see what it was. There, standing before him, 8 feet tall and 5 feet wide, is a gigantic sperm. The sperm says to /\/\ike, "The Cascade Cop sent me to talk some sense into you. But I'm lousy at reasoning with people, so I'm just gonna thump you." So it did.


/\/\ike wakes up later with a splitting headache, and a new appreciation for the great Cascade Cop.

--Nathan "Cascade Cop, needs to work on the ending a bit" Sullivan

From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
From: "Mike Jewell" <Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net>
What's really weird is that I actually woke up with a splitting headache this morning...

BTW, I've realised the dangers of drinking a lot and going on roundabouts...

/\/\ike 'Don't drink and rotate' Jewell

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, I'm finally fed up with M$IMN.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 5 Dec 1999 13:23:33 +1100

Pooglian schrieb:
> Paul seemed to say:
>>"RST" <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>Anyone know where i can get a decent newsreader for win98 for free? [if anyone so much as MENTIONS Gnus, i will plonk them. tried it. 9mb+ download of NTEmacs and trying to get into it brought up the Emacs FAQ]
>>Oh goody. "Gnus! Gnus! Gnus!"
>Yes! Gnus!

No Gnus is good news.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Need new newsreader
From: "ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net>
Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 11:34:13 -0500

Lurker Praps wrote:
> Also Sprach RST:
> Froups trimmed.
> > I want a newsreader
> A little politeness never hurt anyone, you know. Anyway, get a copy of Hamster. Play with it. Configure it. Enjoy it. http://home.t-online.de/home/juergen.haible/hamster137.zip (480 KB)

Before I check the URL, I need to know -- does it come with duct tape?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Email change!
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999 19:32:16 +0000

Also Sprach Paul:
> Richard Wilson:
> >Tom "Tom" Harrington":
> >> Now get IN that killfile again, and STAY there this time!
> >Why is it I keep thinking of that "it took me four hours to bury the cat" gag?
> Do tell.

Well, it kept struggling.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Wibblesome Observation {was Re: 1129}
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Date: Sun, 05 Dec 1999 13:00:05 +0000

Also Sprach RST:
Nothing at all, because her sig-line was at the top.
However, as part of her Warlordable sig, Becky asserted:

> I have been trolled.
> Must.... Not..... Reply......
> s/slaug.*heep/defile the virgins, slaughter the sheep/
> I have lost.

Perhaps another reading of the Jargon File will help. I reproduce the
relevant section below:

| :troll: /v.,n./ [From the Usenet group alt.folklore.urban] To utter a posting on {Usenet} designed to attract predictable responses or {flame}s. Derives from the phrase "trolling for {newbie}s" which in turn comes from mainstream "trolling", a style of fishing in which one trails bait through a likely spot hoping for a bite. The well-constructed troll is a post that induces lots of newbies and flamers to make themselves look even more clueless than they already do, while subtly conveying to the more savvy and experienced that it is in fact a deliberate troll. If you don't fall for the joke, you get to be in on it.
| Some people claim that the troll is properly a narrower category than {flame bait}, that a troll is categorized by containing some assertion that is wrong but not overtly controversial.

This means:

  1. In this case, as in many other, Becky hasn't been trolled. She has simply responded to a post.
    Her repeated [0]assertion that she has been trolled dilutes any effect that her follow-ups might otherwise have.
  2. Becky is never trolled in RHOD. This is because RHODents never troll. Perhaps, more precisely, RHODents *always* troll, but believe their hooks to be unbaited because of the nature of their target audience. To troll for a predictable response in RHOD is counterproductive in the extreme. Trolls should be greeted with unpredictable responses, while the predictable responses should be used only at the most unpredictable of times.
    The fact that Becky consistently takes the no bait[1] and runs with it ought, by now, to have taught her something.

No conclusions are reached, no point is made, just observations being aired on a Sunday afternoon while waiting for the builders to return the majority of my house to habitable status.

[0] Repetitive
[1] See "No tea"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wibblesome Observation {was Re: 1129}
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 7 Dec 1999 17:25:20 GMT

Corran Webster <corranw.my-deja.com> said:
> dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>> Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> said:
>> >trog wrote:
>> >>malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net says...
>> >>>snip dissertation on trolling rhod<
>> >>This is perilously close to FAQ material
>> >BTW Trolling Road runs parallel to Donut Road, about five blocks over that-a-way--->.
>> That's the road that goes over an infinite number of bridges?
>And, following the strange geography and topology of rhod as outlined by Mr. Praps, it also goes underneath every single one of those bridges.

's not so bad...it's just a three-lane road (unlike our one-Lane RHOD), and the lanes are braided.

>(Space-Filling curves 'R' Us)

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if Unicode has a backwards R

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I get it... (was: This is getting out of hand)
From: latebird.usa.net (Ben)
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999 14:45:58 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com> wrote:
>-RST <beka_thomas.hotmail.com> wrote:
>-> [snip]
>-> > "Rebeka" [snip] refuses to [snip] read FAQs
>-> [snip]
>-> WHAT FAQ!? give me a copy of the url stated in the FAQ and i'll read it.[1]
>-> [1]No, i don't believe that there actually is a faq.
>-There is an FAQ, but we only give the URL to people we like. The only people we like are those who already understand and follow the FAQ, so thus we've determined we like someone enough to give them the URL for the FAQ, there is no reason to.
>-So we're not going to tell you the location of the FAQ.

Of course, if she just read the FAQ, there would be no reason to tell her this, as it is one of the first things covered.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I get it... (was: This is getting out of hand)
From: johnyayaIDON'TLIKESPAM.usa.net (John D.)
Date: 08 Dec 1999 01:08:57 EST

"RST" <beka_thomas.hotmail.com> wrote:
>[1]No, i don't believe that there actually is a faq.

Of course there is a FAQ. There are several versions of the FAQ in fact.

Allow me to quote one, circa October 1998, due to Kenneth Sörling, who is, sadly, no longer very active in our fun these days:

And now, for something completely different.



Young Man,
is your boss a big jerk?
I said young man,
are you stressed out from work?
You should know that
there's a place you can shirk
There's no need to be productive!

We don't
want your boring reports
We're not even
interested in sports
We're on UseNet
with its flames and retorts
We ain't got one life between us!


We now invite you to R.H.O.D!
We long to spite you in R.H.O.D!
You'll be stuck here for weeks
among hackers and phreaks
You can hang out with all us geeks!

It's fun to lurk in the R.H.O.D!
We run berserk in the R.H.O.D!
You can have a good time,
if you know how to rhyme.
We'll poke fun at your every line!

You should look for the FAQ
Cannot find it?
Well you're all out of luck.
If you hang here,
you'll be sure to get stuck
Pretty soon you'll be addicted.

You should
learn the rules of the News
And then lurk here,
and assemble some clues
Ask a question
and you'll risk our abuse
We won't even get convicted!


We want to post you in R.H.O.D!
TimChew will roast you in R.H.O.D!
If you taste chicken-ish,
you will be a good dish
to Paul L.Kelly's Fighting Fish.

We long to meet you in R.H.O.D!
We're gonna eat you in R.H.O.D!
If you don't have a clue,
we'll be preying on you...
You'll make excellent barbecue!

If you
get profoundly confused
by the in-jokes
which we have much abused,
It's a state to
which you'll have to get used
and we WILL not stay on topic!

We're all twisted and sick
If you post here,
there's no nit we won't pick
We're relentless,
and we don't miss a trick
We will chew your prose to pieces!


You have been booked into R.H.O.D!
You'll soon be hooked on the R.H.O.D!
Kiss your real life goodbye,
as you post and reply
into threads that refuse to die!

You'll have a ball in the R.H.O.D!
as do we all in the R.H.O.D!
You will rupture your spleen,
laughing 'til you turn green,
reading posts from our Bitchy Queen.

Young Man,
we've been waiting for you
just to freak you
with the sick things we do.
We're immoral
like the monkeys at Zoo.
We should all have been arrested.

Show us
what you've got to conceal,
Come on, let us
cop a virtual feel!
I assure you,
if our antics were real,
we would all need to get tested!


Come show your verve at the R.H.O.D!
Come be a perve at the R.H.O.D!
You'll get tied by KaCee,
duct-taped to DMP...
Pray to God you won't need to pee!

It's fun to be at the R.H.O.D!
You cannot flee from the R.H.O.D!
It's a dangerous hive,
you can struggle and strive
but you'll never escape alive.....

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I get it... (was: This is getting out of hand)
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Wed, 08 Dec 1999 15:10:27 -0500

Leeb wrote:
>I saw teletubbies in the single weirdest place recently.

My doctor has told me stories of guys complaining of abdominal pains only to discover Tinky-Winky and pals [1] lodged in their "exit ramp."

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Of course that's what it is...where else better to get off?

But, hey, what he does in the privacy of his clinic is his own business.

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Just think what he must be telling them about you, eh?

Ed "Is this where I sign my name to this?" Lynn

[1] Includes Mousy-Wousy, Flashlight-Washlight, and Cokebottle-Wokebottle.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I think I get it... (was: This is getting out of hand)
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 08 Dec 1999 21:31:13 GMT

Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com> wrote:

ER techs and hospital labrats have the best stories. I hung out with a crowd like that when I was in college, and some of the tales were horrifying, but some were hilarious. Disco was still popular in some circles, along with the concomittant tight pants. One fellow was brought into the ER totally unconscious, because his circulation had been cut off in his legs from his tight pants. They had to cut the pants off, and when they removed them they found that the unbelievable bulge running down the guy's leg was a Polish sausage.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Strange HTML
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999 02:31:05 +0000

The following just landed in my PLONK folder:

| UNIVERSITY<<!WHO>!DLR> DIPLOMAS<br><br>Obtai<!LLA>n a prosperous future, money earning pow<!FZO>er,<br>and the admiration of all<<!XZM>!XXQ>.<br><br>Diplomas from prestigious non-accr<!KXP>edited<br>univers<<!RUR>!VGW>ities based on your present <!YHW>knowledge<br>and life experience<!XDZ>.<br><br><!EMZ>No required tests, cla<!UFT>sses, books, or interviews.<br><br>Bachelors<!LHX>, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)<br>diplomas available in the field of your choice.<br><br>No one is turned<!VOZ> down.<br><br>Confidentiality assured.<br><br>CALL NOW to receive yo<!AKV>ur diploma<br>withi<!WAG>n days!!!<br><br>1-713<!VBR>-8<!AIV>66-6244<br><br>Call 2<!BFM>4 hours a <!QNS>day, 7 day<!NXJ>s <!FKP>a week, includi<!ETD>n<<!CRA>!IZV>g<br>Sundays and h<!IDG>olidays.<!SMI>

At first I thought it was just another poorly-researched piece of UCE, but then I looked more carefully at those strange tags.

<!WHO> <!DLR> <!LLA> <!FZO> <!XZM> <!XXQ> <!KXP> <!RUR> <!VGW> <!YHW> <!XDZ> <!EMZ> <!UFT> <!LHX> <!VOZ> <!AKV> <!WAG> <!VBR> <!AIV> <!BFM> <!QNS> <!NXJ> <!FKP> <!ETD> <!CRA> <!IZV> <!IDG> <!SMI>

See the pattern here?

Then I ROT_13'd them.

<!JUB> <!QYE> <!YYN> <!SMB> <!KMZ> <!KKD> <!XKC> <!EHE> <!ITJ> <!LUJ> <!KQM> <!RZM> <!HSG> <!YUK> <!IBM> <!NXI> <!JNT> <!IOE> <!NVI> <!OSZ> <!DAF> <!AKW> <!SXC> <!RGQ> <!PEN> <!VMI> <!VQT> <!FZV>

See a new pattern emerge?

Nope, me neither. No pattern in either case.

Could anyone with CIA connections establish what the coded message is, please? I'm worried I might be a sleeper with a crap memory.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange HTML
From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
Date: 5 Dec 1999 21:39:51 -0800

Malc said:
>The following just landed in my PLONK folder:
>| Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities...

Loved this bit especially.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti believes in civil war, military intelligence, etc.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange HTML
From: "Mike Jewell" <Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net>
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 08:33:06 -0000

Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> wrote:
> Nope, me neither. No pattern in either case.

Have you tried ROT13ing it again?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Strange HTML
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999 09:57:09 -0800

An overworked group of monkeys claiming to be Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> wrote:
>The following just landed in my PLONK folder:
><!WHO> <!DLR> <!LLA> <!FZO> <!XZM> <!XXQ> <!KXP> <!RUR> <!VGW> <!YHW>
><!XDZ> <!EMZ> <!UFT> <!LHX> <!VOZ> <!AKV> <!WAG> <!VBR> <!AIV> <!BFM>
><!QNS> <!NXJ> <!FKP> <!ETD> <!CRA> <!IZV> <!IDG> <!SMI>

The pattern was vaguely reminicent of Enigma used by the Nazis in WWII. The problem with that code was determining the initial settings for the code "wheels", and the fact that the code wheels "rotated" after every letter, but Enigma wrote out the letters in groups of four, not three.

It then occurred to me that what I was seeing was in fact not the final code letters, but the "wheel"
settings. This made things a bit easier. I adjusted the traditional scramble to allow for spaces (it's a modified ROT 27 where nil values equate to a space)

I then had to determine the three dimentional rotating table architecture. (I took the lazy route and just wrote a perl script that rotated the cycles and looked for valid words as the first result) My first run through the initial 947,331,642,186,396,637,986,816,000,000 permiations, I didn't have a valid word sequence that would result in a properly decoded sentence.

It wasn't until I remembered the medium and decided to extend my lexicon to include some additional words.

This resulted in 932 fully resolved candidate phrases (phrases that contained words in my algorythm). The final phase was simply hard work. I sorted the phrases and began scanning them for a properly formed answer. At three this morning, I found it.

the code is:

R   E   M   E   M   B   E   R       D   R   I
N   K       Y   O   U   R       O   V   A   L
T   I   N   E

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Bwahahaha!
From: Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu>
Date: 08 Dec 1999 13:48:05 -0800

latebird.usa.net (Ben) writes:
>Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
> >-Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> writes:
> >-> Donald Welsh wrote:
> >-> > (Ben) wrote:
> >-> > >We are playing in the rhod.
> >-> > Why don't we do it in the rhod?
> >-> Would that be the rhod to ruin?
> >-Stop that, stop that. You all know the rules. No cascading allowed!
> Are you saying you are putting a rhod block in front of any possible runaway cascades?

"Right, that's it."

The Cascade Cop grabs Ben by the collarbone and drags him over to the paddy wagon which has been standing by. He throws Ben into the back, then opens the door and puts him inside. The Cascade Cop then climbs into the driver's seat and starts heading for the station.

Ben walks over to the window and asks, "Hey! Where are you taking me?" In response, the Cascade Cop swerves across the street, knocking Ben against the side of the wagon. Ben jumps back to the window and says, "What did you do that for!?" The Cascade Cop swerves back across the street, throwing Ben against the other side. Ben goes to the window again and opens his mouth to say something, then realizes the pattern and shuts the hell up. The Cascade Cop swerves anyway.

When they reach the station, the Cascade Cop roughly pulls Ben out of the wagon and shoves him into the hands of a deputy.

"Put him in the iron maiden," drones the Cascade Cop.

From behind him, two voices cry out, "Excellent!"

The Cascade Cop whirls. *BANG* *BANG* "Goddamn delinquents," says the Cascade Cop. He glares at his deputy impatiently. "Well?", he asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The deputy politely replies, "Um, sir, we don't have an iron maiden."

The Cascade Cop thinks for a moment. "Oh, right. Well, I guess we'll just throw him in a cell. You know which one."

The deputy gasps. "No, sir, you can't mean..."

"Oh yes, now do it!"

The deputy drags Ben down to the cell block. He opens one of the doors and roughly tosses him in. Ben shakes his head as the door is closed, and takes a look around. When he sees his cellmate, his face turns white with fear.

Ben pleads with the deputy, "No, no, you can't do this to me."

The deputy says, "Sorry kid. I'd be quiet if I were you. You don't want to wake her up."

Ben flattens himself against the opposite wall of the cell, trying not to make any noise. He, too, knows what will happen if he wakes her up. He silently curses the Cascade Cop for his cruelty in placing him in the same cell as...

<fx: ominous music>


--Nathan "Cascade Cop, oh the horror" Sullivan

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Semi-paralysed with shock, Ben crumples to the floor as noiselessly as possible, his gaze transfixed by the horrific sight before him - his mind unable to take in the horror of the doom that might yet befall him. Will all his might, he grappled with the swirling miasma his brain had become, forcing himself to think logically and take hold of his situation.

He opened his eyes and saw the fitfully slumbering form before him once more, and the hurdy-gurdy in his mind went up to eleven again.

Calming himself again, he tried to think of a way out of his predicament. Here he was, stuck in Cascade Cop Prison, in the same cell as one of the most evil cascaders of all time... An idea struck him - almost suicidal, but a slim chance of incredible success.

He flattened himself against the wall, and whispered, "Rebeka!". No response. "Rebeka!" A shudder ran through her form, but that was all. "I've got a huge pierced penis!"

Rebeka grunted, and opened an eye.

"I enjoy being over-friendly with farm animals!"

Rebeka was roused from her sleep, her dark evil eyes searching the gloom.

"I've got an enormous unintelligible acronym!"

"GIF!" the thrilled Rebeka yelled.

"I'm a malodorous pervert!"

"GIF! GIF GIF!" screamed Rebeka as she jumped from the bed and began lurching around the cell.

"I'll see your GIF and raise you a JPEG!" cried Ben, ramping up the excitement as he danced out of the way in this grotesque parody of Blind Man's Buff.

"I'll see your JPEG and raise you a small poodle and I'll explain the joke to you *right now!" cried Rebeka, but Ben (leaping from under her grasp) interrupted.

"I'll see your poodle and raise you a starring role in your own cascade!" invoked Ben.

Rebeka stopped in mid-lurch and promptly fell over. "I'll see my own cascade and raise me a witty response!" screamed Rebeka in paroxysms of delight. "I'll see my witty response and raise a submission to a.r.k! I'll see my rejection from a.r.k and misquote abbreviations!"

Ben realised this chain-reaction he'd started would grow in volume and strength until there was perhaps no stopping it. Even now, carefully crouched in the furthest corner of the room, he could feel the vibrations in the wall, and see hair-line cracks beginning to appear in the ceiling. He blocked his hands and waited for the inevitable result.

...who hates writing in the present tense. And Ben, you owe me a fiver.

From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
"I don't understand the poodle joke, can I explain it to me?".

Ben realized something odd was happening.

"I can't read the FAQ, can I get the URL?"

There was no dust, there were no bits of plaster raining down. it wasn't pressure that was causing the walls to fracture and crack, the molecules were desperately trying to flee the area. The floor (being closest to the epicenter) was the most frantic about it's departure. Undulations of reinforced concrete streamed away from the cascader.

Rebeka was becoming harder to hear and Ben tried to catch his breath. The air. The very air was trying to escape the inanities.

What followed Ben could only remember in snapshots, frozen shards of memory.

Nathan rushing into the room, his face a white mask of terror.

"...see your parrot and raise you a..."

"What Have You Done!?"


deafening silence

a flash of searing pain and light

floating, weightless above the city

the Station replaced by a rather large crater

the flashing lights of the ambulance

the beeping of the heart monitor

"..lucky to be alive.."

then, before Ben slid in to the comforting arms of the healing coma, one terrible thought came to mind....

she's free too

beep... beep.... beeeeeeeeeee

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Religion
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 10:15:04 -0800

You may have noticed that just about everything and everybody in this crazy world has a religion dedicated to it. And like me you've probably searched and searched for that Thing that is holy but still lacks a religion.

But finally, my friends our search has ended. You can join me in the most fascinating stage of a religion! It's creation and formation, because my friends, today I found the most of Holy of objects and found that it lacked a religion celebrating it! I am the first apostle, and I have formed a new religion around this sacred object. But it has only gone that far.

This is where you come in, I need your help, you too can be apostles in this new religion, you can help me nail down the guiding principals by which this life-altering practice will function.

From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
As the principal proponent of this new religion, I take it you're the one we'll be thumbtacking to a cross?
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com>
You obviously missed the part I put in about this religion being free from martyrdom.
There is no need to Thumb-Tack anyone to anything.
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Nobody mentioned a "need". Just a very strong urge

You can help me set the moral codes, the function of the church in the lives of everyday people, how and when someone has achieved holy status, what customs and holidays we'll celebrate, burial customs, collection and distribution of church funds, community involvement, role of the clergy, definition of standards for clergy, basic tenets and treatises of the church, etc.

The list for starting a new religion is long and complex, and religions serve many purposes other than being lucrative tax shelters. Many of them bring joy and happiness to millions of people--millions of people who give millions of dollars in exchange for the satisfaction of knowing enlightenment.

All I am asking you to do, friend, is help me out, and get in on the ground floor of this fantastic opportunity as we build a religion free from martyrdom.

You may ask, what Holy object do we worship.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Actually no, we don't.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know where this is going

I'm glad you asked that, it is of course, the illustrious, and most maligned, Thumb-Tack. Thumb-Tacks are losing the battle to the more pedestrian, and less deserving, Push-Pins. It is clear that Thumb-Tacks represent good and Push-Pins represent evil.

Join with me friends in this exciting endeavor, give me your suggestions on how this religion should function. Become apostles who are free from the normal church tithes. Apostles are also focal points for financial, and spiritual matters of the church!

Join today, and put in your recommendations.

Get thee behind me Push-Pin!

Long Live The Holy Thumb-Tack!

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
At the risk of precipitating a jihad, a thumb-tack is nothing more than a sexually excited button.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Religion
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 15:58:24 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> "Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com> wrote:
>>Long Live The Holy Thumb-Tack!
>Why is it I keep thinking of that "woman buying tampax" gag?

Lemme guess: because she was struggling?

I still don't get it.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Religion
From: "ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net>
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 19:16:50 -0500

Lurker Praps wrote:
> Also Sprach Richard Cohen:
> > Anyway, I'd have thought the most interesting bit of a religion would be the bit where all the god things have settled down, and you can get around to some *serious* corruption. Yes, I'm sure the Vatican needs all its money and art and stuff more than starving people around the world need food. Right!
> I heard this morning that the Vatican is about 3 million quid behind on their electricity bill.
> Friends, let me assure you that, when I'm elected Pope, I shall take immediate action to prevent news like this from leaking.

Funny you should mention leaking. It's actually the sewage bill on which they're behind[1], and no one can force them to pay.
[1] Insert ObScatologicalJoke here

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
I was just going to say "Holy Shit!". That's not _usually_ taken to be scatological, but I suppose in this case an exception could be made.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Morphine is nice
From: cclovis.mindspring.com (Cici in Texas)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 08:42:09 GMT

Lurker Praps wrote:
>Also Sprach tim wren:
>> Tim "in a small country you notice these absences" Wren
>"Small" is about the size of it! Bwahahahahahahahaha...<koff koff>
> We drove a thousand miles in three days, and saw a little bit of one Province (Ontario) and a tiny bit of another (Quebec).
>On the other hand we walked to the US and back. Go figure...

And you didn't stop by to say hello?

Cici <Okay, now my feelings are hurt> in Texas

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Morphine is nice
From: twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 22:19:45 -0500

Ed Lynn did thusly type:
>Well, there *is* that whole thing with the restraining order.

You too? I swear, these Hollywood stars, get caught in the bushes outside their homes a few times, and they drag your ass in court,

"Ooh, ooh he's stalking me. He keeps asking me what the frequency is. He won't leave me alone."

I swear in my day... say, why are you all looking at me like that?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please Ignore
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 1999 00:12:09 -0600

G.B. wrote:
} Al Sharka wrote:
} >Kevin Kelley wrote:
} >> But I'm getting real tired of filling up trashcans with used tissues.
} >> Lucky my sense of humor is still intact; if rhod stopped being funny, then where would I be?
} >Just leave out any graphic descriptions of what you get on your keyboard, OK? And we don't need to know what's in the tissues, either.
} This message is brought to you from the Nose-hair-sweater-knitting Guild:)

Heh. Or pubic hair, as the situation warrants.

} --
} GW De Lacey
} Whose liver and white English springer spaniel needs a poem.

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree
Whose roots are wet, not safe to sit
From English springer spaniel
Walks in beauty like the night
Her master now is past his fright
The doctor finally made her well
But his charges are from
Need to buy that brand-new boat
That George's money keeps afloat

I'm sure it is a bitter pill
To pay the loving doggie's bill
Perhaps you could put up a moat
And tell the Vet to f...^H^H^Hix a goat.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please Ignore
From: Rich Churcher <churchmouse.mpx.com.au>
Date: 15 Dec 1999 10:37:40 +1100

ivenoaddress.rightnow.com (Molly Devonshire) writes:
> tjthomas.nyx10.nyx.net (Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon) writes:
> > Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
> > >Molly Devonshire wrote:
> > >> A coomunications disruption can mean only one thing...
> > >Alternatively, the best line from RJ's tWoT: "We seem to be having some problems with communications."
> > What we've got here, is a failure to communicate.
> And I thought my problem was merely 'failure to thrive'.
> Molly "Where's a pediatric nurse when you need one?" D.

  1. Coffee break.
  2. Disposing of the Nefarious Nappy Monster in room 3, whose fumes are said to kill off the unworthy at twenty paces.
  3. Screaming neonate under one arm, fixing infusion pump with other, holding pen in mouth, opening door with foot, balancing meal tray on elbow.
  4. Shepherding gaggle of new medical residents away from "interesting case" in bed 5 who is sick of being "reviewed", fer gossake.
  5. Hiding.

Personally, I'd put my money on 'C'.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help! Oogy image taking over my brane!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 Dec 1999 06:04:42 GMT

Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> said:
>I keep flshing back to my IV backing up yesterday morning,

Those infusers are *supposed* to beep like that.

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