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1999 12 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.tv.sliders
Subject: Re: Ms. Viki
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 23:41:19 GMT

Oedipus wrote:
>The incoherent ramblings of Lurker Praps seemed to say:
>>Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
>>> >Lé Rev. wrote:
>>> >¿Vouléz vous couchéz avec moí?
>>> Which in the current character set here is "voulez vous couchez avec mom".
>>I weren't gonna say nuffink or anyfink, but it's "Voulez-vous coucher avec maman?"
>Been there, done that.
>Oedipus

If you're talking to Oedipus, it's "Voulez-vous coucher avec votre maman?", to which the answer is "oui". If you say "Voulez-vous coucher avec maman?", it sort of implies that you're talking about your own mom and trying to pimp her out. So Oedipus wouldn't say that unless he'd gotten tired of her and wanted someone else to have a chance.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.tv.sliders
Subject: Re: Log Tossing at The Great Dexter Roast [was Ms. Viki]
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 08:44:31 -0600

Viki wrote:
> Kevin Kelley wrote
> > "Viki" said:
> > > ...not a Viking, just Viki
> > Speaking of which, is a.t.s a Viki ng?
> > Kevin, got my helmet on
> Now Kevin, just what do you mean by that????

Well *I* got it because I'm a Vi king.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.tv.sliders
Subject: Re: Log Tossing at The Great Dexter Roast [was Ms. Viki]
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 07:07:02 -0600

Screwtape wrote:
}
} $ touch poo
} $ more poo
} $ less poo
} $ cat poo
}
} I've made that joke before, haven't I?

For that reason, "poop" is what I always name my temporary files. It takes all the guesswork out of finding shit to delete while in search of disk space. I thought everyone knew that chestnut by now, but I still get laughs every time someone sees me use it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Log Tossing at The Great Dexter Roast [was Ms. Viki]
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999 07:35:50 +0000

Also Sprach Lane Gray, Czar Castic:
> yeast won't live in honey, it's too thick.

How does one measure the IQ of yeast?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Log Tossing at The Great Dexter Roast [was Ms. Viki]
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 06 Dec 1999 17:34:43 GMT

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
>Kenny Hutchings wrote:
>>Well, it could be argued that there is no way of measuring the true IQ of yeast, but the most generally accepted way is through a standard test involving several different geometrical concepts. Yeast tends to falter at this particular test, but then we all knew that anyway. Who would attribute intelligence to an organism which causes dough to rise and still performs its task despite the fact it will shortly be burned alive and eaten later?
>You could also argue that anything so useful as to provide us with alcohol in return for sugars can't be all bad. OTOH, it will never stop making alcohol before it dies of alcohol toxicity, if there is enough food.

IOW, yeast is as smart as some people.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Log Tossing at The Great Dexter Roast [was Ms. Viki]
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 19:14:27 -0800

SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com> wrote:
> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
>>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>>>And I didn't rag on Rebeka for anything other than messy posts or not seeming to consider that people might actually be trying to help - which both you and I did.
>>Actually, I think I should slap[2] myself for the dig at Rebeka, it was just that it appeared that you were doing that which she sometimes did and got thoroughly slammed for; that is laying down a joke/comment/reference, and then feeling the need to explain it, without bothering to wait for anyone to say "I don't get it.
>The evil influence that SWSNBN has had on this froup is that it is no longer safe to say "I don't get it." Because is it a dig at SWSNBN or is it a legitimate request to explain something? i know I can't tell the difference any more.

That's why God created mode switching.

<SWSNBN>
You see God is a supreme being, which is kind of like someone who's really really powerful and not something you get at Taco Bell for $1.99 which is a restaurant here in the United States that sells Mexican food like stuff that kinda tastes funny, but it's really cheap and so folks go there and they have a cute little dog that's the mascot for the place that I know a few folks feel is really offensive, but I'm all like why would anyone really want to have a dog advertise their food (don't dogs eat anything) which is something that I want to see a GIF of anyway. So then there's this whole mode switching thing which is something that I've seen other folks do in some groups (that I crossposted this to)......
</SWSBN>

~~plonk .

There, now you don't have to.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The OTHER Oracle SETI team
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 14:59:14 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>We came across a micrograph with a caption that read "Unstained wet-mount".

You dirty bugger.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 20:59:01 -0500

Dean Lenort wrote:
[snip]
} A flamewar between ark and rhod? Not bloody likely. The two groups are too much alike for any animosity to brew and there are A LOT of people that are either currently active in both, or else have been know to swim in the other's urine rich waters.

Look, I apologized about that already, will you stop harping on it? Jeez, like you guys never peed in the jacuzzi...

} Speaking of which, is that Paul Kelly chap still about? (Just as a poster, not as a public urine generator.) He hasn't made a foray into ark for quite a while now and a few people were beginning to worry. I do hope he didn't disappear after a post about being despondent over the loss of Aspen Cream Ale.

Alas, Paul Kelly is lost to us forever. He's become a priest.

Ambassador JIM


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 02:46:52 -0500

Nick Bensema wrote:
} You know, computer people have taken all the romance and spontaneity out of "on the fly". Mark's sentence made it look like I used a dynamic recompilation engine to emulate a Usenet post.

Oooh, if you say sweet things like that, how can you *not* be romantic?

JIM, "Bots in Love"


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: mmcirvin.world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 05:12:12 GMT

"RST" <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote:
>NOT CONTROVERSIAL?! accusing the almighty Kibo of not actually doing the thing he's famous for is NOT CONTROVERSIAL?!?!?!?!

Well, Kibo was famous for that back in the day when it was actually *nontrivial* to search for people mentioning you on Usenet. Today anyone can do it!

[repetitive beeping noise; heavily scratched film of NASA animation of satellite]

Thanks to SCIENCE!

[peppy Moog music; quick cuts of paper tape readers, spinning magtape reels, pedestrians with huge lapels, traffic seen through heat haze]

Usenet searches are TOO CHEAP TO METER!

[peppy electric guitar music; quick cuts of sun glinting off solar panels, shiny bell bottom pants, guys with big mustaches in hot tubs]

In our WORLD OF TODAY!

[percussion, fanfare; letters "WORLD OF TODAY" appear in rotating rainbow-colored Avant Garde capitals]

[Ad for Dolley Madison Zingers]


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.tom-servo
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Infinity.world.com (Captain Infinity)
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 20:08:18 GMT

twillis.sound.net wrote:
> mmcirvin.world.std.com (Matt McIrvin) wrote:
>> dean.lenort.att.net wrote:
>> >A flamewar between ark and rhod? Not bloody likely. The two groups are too much alike for any animosity to brew
>> This principle doesn't apply to religions or operating systems.
>Crap! Isn't Kibology a religion AND an operating system?

Kibology is a pink bunny suit that you wear on a blind Valentine's Day date, with a live bee in one ear and Super Elastic Bubble Plastic in the other. With piranha fish, hold the mayo.

rhod is a Superball with nitro-glycerin injected into the center, tossed into a three-foot layer of Mr. Bubble foam on top of a trampoline. With fighting Siamese fish, hold the mayo.

As you can see, they are very much alike, especially that mayo business.

**
Captain Infinity
...alt.fan.tom-servo is a marshmallow Peep covered with Cheeze Whiz, dipped into a vat of clam dip, hold the Krab Klaws.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Dean Lenort <dean.lenort.att.net>
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 20:49:14 -0600

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) beabled:
> Dean Lenort <dean.lenort.att.net> wrote:
> >Speaking of which, is that Paul Kelly chap still about? (Just as a poster, not as a public urine generator.) He hasn't made a foray into ark for quite a while now...
> I still exist, although I haven't been in ark for some time. Too much volume over there, and I couldn't ever decide whom to plonk over there to help reduce reading the froup to a manageable task. Do you have a killfile handy for ark.bozos?

Let me get this straight. ARK has too much volume but you follow rhod closely? I'm sorry son, that ain't no way to catch a chicken.

Er, what I meant to say is that it's all just a matter of priorities and of deciding which group you love more. I was once a close follower of all things rhod where I would join the throng in cursing the horrid judgement of the priests with the occasional bit of praising when the priests would display those rare moments of sound judgement. But then I hearkened to the sweet siren song from that temptress known as ark and despite stiff resistance (Homina! Homina!) I crashed upon her shores and rarely have I been seen in the halls of rhod since.

As for who to killfile, it's probably easier to just follow certain people and ignore the rest. Unfortunately, the list of people that I consider entertaining enough to follow doesn't rule many people out.

> Am I in it?

You most certainly are not sir! Then again, I don't use a killfile so that would put you in the same leaky canoe as everyone else.

And incidentally, just as everyone is a kibologist (whether they know it or not) we're also all bozos - it's just a matter of degree. At least we're all bozos in the orthodox Kibological doctrines. I won't even hint at the beliefs of the reform or the charismatic Kibologists because it makes me ill to just think about their sick and twisted belief systems.


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: stefan.kapus.zetnet.co.uk (Stefan Elisa Kapusniak)
Date: Fri, 03 Dec 1999 06:55:52 +0000

Dean Lenort <dean.lenort.att.net> wrote:
>As for who to killfile, it's probably easier to just follow certain people and ignore the rest. Unfortunately, the list of people that I consider entertaining enough to follow doesn't rule many people out.

<gloat>

I just updated my scorefile for ark yesterday to be MUCH MORE soviet than hitherto, and the 150+ posts that arrived overnight have been brutally collapsed down to about 30, small enough to fold up and put in your back pocket next to your pokemon cards.

And that figure would have been less than 20 if Matt hadn't suddenly decided to post a bunch of stuff, CURSE YOU DR. MATT "LONGSHOT" MCIRVIN, you have foiled my plans to reorbit myself and become a new Rone, YET AGAIN!

A few people excepting Kibo, now get 15 points just for being them (Kibo gets 144 points just for being him), an even smaller subset of these people get some extra points for being in my global scorefile as well, BUT you now need at least 20 POINTS for me to see your post at all. Extra points get determined on a formula involving lines, lines quoted, lines blank, number of groups in the crosspost, mentions of the word 'hemispheric', size of .sig, seconds since the death of Franklin D. Roosevelt, and whether or not you're directly following up to ME, ME, ME <---- SOME OF THESE AREN'T REAL MEs, SOME OF THESE ARE FAKE Mes DESIGNED AS DECOYS TO DISTRACT THE EWE GODS.

So if you can guess the exact details of this secret formula and tailor your posts accordingly you can sleep soundly in your bed knowing that I will be monitoring your every post and will thus be forewarned of your evil and treacherous conspiracies against me.

Of course because really I WUV YOU ALL IN CAPS, this scheme is nothing like as brutal as the one I use for aav, where everything except that posted by three particular persons, is automatically consigned to oblivion.

</gloat>


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999 01:30:50 GMT

dbd.panacea.phys.utk.edu (David DeLaney) wrote:
>brightredfish.mindspring.com writes:
>>I still exist, although I haven't been in ark for some time. Too much volume over there, and I couldn't ever decide whom to plonk over there to help reduce reading the froup to a manageable task. Do you have a killfile handy for ark.bozos?
>Nonsense. Why would we want to killfile the -bozos-?
>>Am I in it?
>If you don't know, you're a bozo.
>Dave "If you deny you're a bozo, that moves you to "megabozo" and -those- some of us killfile" DeLaney

What happens to people who deny being megabozos?

I'm not denying anything, mind you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 11:20:24 -0600

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Kevin Kelley wrote:
> >As far as length... shorter is better, but sometimes long shaggy dogs are funny too.
> Especially the long shaggy dogs with little short legs that waddle when they walk.

We like 'em shaggy, but not *that* shaggy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I just wanted to let you all know...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 07:21:59 -0600

R#v PtR wrote:
} rhod-0-dendrons! Here we are! ARK crossposters are visiting! By the way, how long should I make my reply to oracle questions? The one I have now seems to call for one-sentence factual answers as it's a kinda serious question. Cheers.

Answers should be long enough to get to the end. They wouldn't be very funny if the stopped somewhere in the middle, now would


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 22:26:45 GMT

kinzler.cs.indiana.edu (Steve Kinzler) wrote:
> from lrclause to rec.humor.oracle.d
>+---------- 1129 ----------
>| So, can somebody tell me if 1129-06 and 1129-07 where by the same Incarnation? Or related in any other way? Both pretty good, by the way.
>The Supplicant of 1129-06 (and -04, -05, -09 and -10) was also the Incarnation of 1129-07 (and -01).

Now you've done it.

You've woken the Kinzler.

If you're all vewy, vewy quiet, maybe we can get him to go back to sleep before he notices what's happened to his newsgroup.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Well this is solid evidence supporting the rule against on-topic posts. If people would just READ the effing FAQ, they would know this.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 99 17:25:32 GMT

gnohmon8715.my-deja.com writes:
> > Did anyone else notice that 1129-09's Incarnation missed the <ahem> point?
> Perhaps you misunderstand the joke of obstinately avoiding the obvious? (Unless there's some hidden meaning with "loines" and "troi"...)

No hidden meaning, otherwise yes. Reinterpreting the question so as to annoy the supplicant is one of the few pleasures left to me in my declining years. Also saves trying to decipher endless references to minor American TV personalities, game shows, foodstuffs, etc. And gets you digested when the answer - like that one - is really rather crap.

(Under the circs, it's just as well I eventually decided not to answer the question I picked up today. The supplicant was moaning about incarnations nowadays not remembering Unix. I was going to protest that I most certainly did: he was that character in the Asterix books who was a personal attendant on Cleopatra. You know, Unix, eun... oh, never mind. I thought better of it. Just imagine if that had got into the digests. A lucky escape.)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--Anyway, who in their right mind wouldn't route around Australia?-
--*-----*--*----*----*---Way, way, way, WAY around Australia---*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 5 Dec 1999 02:36:12 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>> Screwtape wrote:
>> } the quote "The Internet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it"
>> Oh! Um. Oh! I think I'm getting it now. Some nasty law passed there recently, what? Right ho.
>I don't know fer shure, but I'm thinking I heard a news clip recently about another backhoe incident down unda, taking out Yet Another Fiber. My guess is that that is what It's All About.

Thus prompting the following in NANAE:
+-----
|Subject: Re: Whois.apnic.net down?
|From: mikea.mikea.ath.cx (Mike Andrews)
|
[whatever...not relevant to RHOD]
|
|[1] Always carry a short length of fibre-optic cable. If you get lost, then you can drop it on the ground, wait ten minutes, and ask the backhoe operator how to get back to civilization.
+-----

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies carry, milligram for milligram, the heaviest mallet of any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 99 17:44:36 GMT

malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net "Lurker Praps" writes:
> Also Sprach Kevin Kelley:
> > Ah, hell, to tell the truth they're all funny. Except that brit-slang one in 1129, but that's just because AH DOAN GEDDIT!

In the context of this discussion, an even more rabid example of the confuse-a-user strategy. I work on the assumption that supplicants probably aren't British, so if I'm feeling especially vindictive they get Syd & Harry. This was mild by comparison.

> I gave it a 5. Am I biased?

You are. The votes file yesterday recorded only one 5, so you are out of step with the rest of humanity. 1129-08 and 1129-09 were lying at 2.8 and 3.0, respectively. Tim's too kind; I would still call them "rather crap". At this rate, should I ever apply to enter the priesthood, they'll probably waive the humourectomy.

-Richard Wilson-*-----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
Though I was fairly pleased with the "castrate a metal macaque" line


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 13:40:34 -0700

Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> said:
> Also Sprach Kevin Kelley:
> > Ah, hell, to tell the truth they're all funny. Except that brit-slang one in 1129, but that's just because AH DOAN GEDDIT!
> I gave it a 5. Am I biased? The "bottom a gay" line deserves to be enshrined.

I think I gave it a 4, mainly for that one.

Anybody want to fill in the blanks on these[1]? I'll list the ones I think I know...

} That takes the cookie
s/cookie/cake/

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
s/cake/biscuit/ for added authenticity.

} Mind your Ts and Js
s/Ts and Js/Ps and Qs/

} I'm not telling you pigs

From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
I'm not telling you porkies[1].

} She's a fragment of okay
She's a bit of all right

} You don't get much of that in a kilo
?? s/kilo/pound/ ??

From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
You don't get too many of those to the pound.

} As unwell as a carrot

From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
Sick as a parrot.

} You large boy's shirt

From: skywise.drizzle.com
My guess is "you big girl's blouse," which I have heard somewhere.

} Too intelligent by 50%
s/50%/half/

} Part of an adhesive wicket
Sticky wicket

From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
s/Part of an/Bit of a/

} Can I bottom a gay off you?
s/bottom a gay/bum a fag/

} She's in the dessert society
s/dessert/cream of/

} Push the other one, it has whistles attached

From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

} Spear the ravens down Marylebone High Street

From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Stone the crows?

From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
... Down [city of your choice]'s main street

} Cold enough to castrate a metal macaque
?? freeze the balls off a brass monkey ??

Kevin

[1] contest closed to present and past residents of the british isles. prizes exceed 50% of sales. not valid with any other newsgroup.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 03 Dec 99 17:22:21 GMT

kelley.ruralnet.net "Kevin Kelley" writes:
> Unfortunately the promoters appear to have absconded with the proceeds; therefore it is not possible at this time to refund the entry fees.

<secateurs taken to "correct" answers>

Probably just as well, if those were their idea of the what the interpretations should have been. Mr. Fitzpatrick is closest, someone else got "biscuit" for #1, it's "too _clever_ by half" and "you big girl's blouse" should, of course, always be preceded by "eee". Otherwise none of the aliens seems to have got "pudding club", which is where women are when they are up the duff with a bun in the oven.

Oh, and the only place crows are ever stoned is down the Old Kent Road. I have no idea why, since it's supposed to be an Oz expression originally. The only other thing I know about the Old Kent Road is that it's the cheapest property on the BritMonopoly board which, when you think about it, is hardly surprising. Who wants to stay in a hotel built on a street which is knee deep in the rotting, battered carcases of corvidae?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*--So, congrats to the Strayan, and to the losers:--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*---*-*--U.P.K. spells May goslings--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 99 17:15:06 GMT

kelley.ruralnet.net "Kevin Kelley" writes:
> And what's with "eee you big girl's blouse"? "eee you", "eyou", "ewe", no, can't be right. Is it that you're at a sporting event and yelling when you say this?

No, no, no. "eee" as in "eee by gum", "eee that were grand", "eee we had it tooff". You have to start each line with "eee" otherwise people can't tell you're doing a Yorkshire accent, see? Well, they can't tell I'm doing one, anyway. Even with the "eee". In fact when I do it, it's the Four Welshmen sketch.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*----*--eee yuh gurt jessie, boyo--

From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
OIC. Sort of like that comm protocol where a node wanting the wire sends out an "I'm going to speak now" signal to warn others off.
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Four Welshmen of the Apocalypse?
.
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Right... when *I* was a kid, we had to bring around Armageddon before five o-clock in the morning *every* morning, after staying up all night defiling virgins and then we only had a pentagram made of burnt matchsticks to call our home!
Eric, Teh halfa horseman.
.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
If you're going to be so long about it, you could at least defile them under *V*!
.
From: Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis>
You were lucky. We would've KILLED for a pentagram made of burnt matchsticks! There we were, all 666 of us livin' in a bit of goat entrails! Every morning I had to get up half an hour before I went to bed, summon the antichrist, spread pestilence for the next 21 hours, slaughter the virgins, defile the sheep, and then come home to be ritually sacrificed!
.
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Sorry guys, but none of this sounds even remotely Welsh. Well, except for the bit about defiling sheep, but we won't dwell on that.
-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---It's the Whore of Aberpwyllgwyngyllgogerychbabylongoch--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--*---*---*-you'll be wanting, boy--*---

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999 13:06:31 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Kevin Kelley wrote:
>} hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress) said:
>} > Prolly easier to see the why if you use small letters: p and q - I'd have thunk "mind your Ds and Bs" would be a better way to describe it.
>} Yeah... one explanation is that it originated with printers, needing to be careful which letters they picked since a 'p' and a 'q' are confusing when they're reversed as they would be in a print shop.
>} There's a couple other plausible explanations, too, which I can't recall at the moment.
>Another explanation I've heard is that it comes from barkeeps - "mind your pints and quarts". I think the printer's explanation sounds more qlausible, though.

Actually it dates from the 1960's, when American football games became so popular that at the stadium people had to stand in long lines, called "q's," and wait to go to the bathroom, to "p."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net>
Date: Sat, 04 Dec 1999 07:38:51 +0000

> There's a couple other plausible explanations, too, which I can't recall at the moment.

In the UofK it means "be polite", and is etymologated from "Mind your 'please's and 'thank-you's."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999 13:58:13 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder what happens when the hamster gets the caffeine rush

It gets up, stretches, trundles on the wheel a couple of times, waddles back to its corner, and goes back to sleep.

You owe the Oracle a less lazy pet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 03 Dec 1999 15:26:55 -0700

Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> said:
> Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> > <secateurs taken to "correct" answers>
> Thank $DEITY for that. Is BritSpeak *really* so parochial? "Cream of society"! <snort>

I'm just thankful that where I live everbody speaks good English.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 10 Dec 99 17:36:07 GMT

fitzmor.webone.com.au "Heather & Richard Fitzpatrick" writes:
> >>>} That takes the cookie
> >>>That takes the cake ["wins the prize" maybe]
> >>That takes the biscuit (although, takes the cake is also used). Actually means "the last straw".
> More fully, "this wins the prize [for gumption/gall/uselessness, etc]".

Yaknow, this must be the most RHODiscussed oracularity in recent memory. I dread to think what would have happened if I'd also used the phrase "Will you provide oral sex in exchange for playing at being military personnel?"

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---Which, with luck, will out-obscure even the Brits here--

From: Pooglian <pooga.home.com>
Um, isn't it something like, "Blow that for a game of soldiers."
Of course you could have also said, "Will you provide oral sex in exchange for a common songbird."

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 17:35:22 +1100

Ben schrieb:
>Copper-nickel laminates acrue value over time.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
A penny saved is a penny earned.

>Wicker is not a suitable fetus carrier.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket?

>Dieties are more prone to facilitate resolutions when those needing facilitate themselves.

The Lord helps those who help themselves.

>Those who are least nocturnal have lower occurances of despondency.

... something about happy days?

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
I was thinking it might be "it's always darkest before the dawn," but that doesn't really fit. Maybe "early to bed and early to rise make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

>Minor subtraction can cause a lack of potential energy.

No idea.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Eliminating the children can bring you down from a great height?

>The fourth dimension is redeemable for goods and services.

Time^H is money.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
And it/he keeps slippin' into the future.

>The end of a life cycle and the support of ones government are assured.

Two things in life are inevitable: death and taxes.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Too bad they don't occur in that order.

Screwtape,
...guess which has occured?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: "trog" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.uk.nospam>
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999 08:55:55 -0000

Pooglian wrote ...
> Paul seemed to say:
> >Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> wrote:
> >>Pennies have been cupro-nickel since almost forever. I'm not sure what cents are made of.
> >Odors.
> No, that just doesn't make cents.

That's the essence of it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 08:01:15 -0700

Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> said:
> Also Sprach SamIAm:
> > American
> ...
> > our British friends
> Does not compute.

Haven't we already had this war?


Kevin "course we'll be happy to whup you again" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 13:13:52 GMT

Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
>Hmm, has anyone ever seen me and Screwtape together^Win the same place at the same time?
>--Nathan "Enquiring minds probably don't want to know" Sullivan

Well if you're actually the same person, that means that, for several years now, whenever he wants it, you've been giving him hand jobs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 15:37:17 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>Henriette Kress wrote:
>> (Teh [tie:poe]) wrote:
>> >How come everyone else is assumed to be making a joke and I'm assumed to be an illiterate turd?
>> Umm. Past performance?
>> Henriette (nono, I'm just joking, you are funny, honest, no, not the nipple clamps - Owwwwww...)
>OK, Becka. Now it's appropriate.

No, it's not. I want streaming video on this one.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 14:02:04 -0600

Henriette Kress wrote:
> What, you want a GIF of that but not one where they attach electrodes to Ian? Pervert...

Heh, heh, heh. A picture of Ian as a bug zapper. D'ya think we could get him to wear one of those cork hat thingies? That would be... amusing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1129
From: Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com>
Date: 2 Dec 1999 20:19:24 -0800

Rich said:
>Paul writes:
>> Rich Churcher <churchmouse.mpx.com.au> wrote:
>> >Does New Zealand count? We're sort of a colony pretending not to be, if you see what I mean... actually, I think we take more of our slang from the Scots.
>> Baaaaaaaaaaah.
>Thanks, don't mind if I do. *zzzzzzip*
>Cheers,
>Rich (who never looks a gift sheep in the mouth).

Ah, yes. Oztraya. Where men are men and sheep are nervous. As opposed to New Zealand, where men are men and sheep aren't nervous anymore, they're used to it.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti suspects Rich isn't where some might assume from his addy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life is a B****...and then you get your period.
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 19:07:18 -0400

Jim Evans wrote:
> Empress wrote:
> } sites. Author Dorian Yeager is running for President of the US in the NH primary. If that isn't funny, I don't know what is.
> I think pickles are pretty funny.

Just the other day I was at a Krystal buying lunch. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with them, Krystal is your typical fast-food-burger-franchise-slash-airline-company (And no, I am not making that up, <http://www.krystalco.com/we/aviation.asp>). Krystal's flagship product is the Krystal, a small square burger, about two inches on a side (something like a White Castle, for you Yankees), consisting of your standard fast food burger ingredients. Including, of course, the pickle.

Now, like all fast food places, Krystal has a kid's meal, and with that kid's meal they sell little plastic toys. And since Krystal is not McDonald's, or even Burger King, these toys have no tie-in with any sort of children's media product. Oh well. Currently they are offering sleight-of-hand accouterments. Trick hankies and the like. One of those is a small plastic Krystal (the burger, not the building or the airplane), with a hollowed out bun. The objective of this toy -- and I am not making this up, either -- is to play Hide the Pickle. Yes, this toy teaches young children how to insert pickles into buns (very quickly and only while no one is watching) and then remove them again (ditto).

I can only imagine how popular this toy is, but I certainly wish I had had one.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Life is a B****...and then you get your period.
From: yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman)
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 12:58:20 -0500

Molly Devonshire wrote:
> Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net> writes:
> >The objective of this toy -- and I am not making this up, either -- is to play Hide the Pickle.
> What? A children's toy? What is the world coming to?
>
> Molly "I thought most people preferred to play 'Hide the Salami'" D.

Vegetarians


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: registry
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 05:39:35 -0500

Ben wrote:
>>-Yeah, I've always wanted to visit Uranus.
>/me tries to remember the line from Futurama.
>/me can't.

I prefer the line from Blue's Clues.


Oh, the sun's a hot star,
Mercury's hot too.
Venus is the brightest planet,
and the Earth is home to me and you.
Mars is the red one,
and Jupiter's most wide.
Saturn's got those icy rings,
and Uranus spins on it's side...


I don't recall the rest off hand right now, because I always get a little snicker right there. I'll ask my 3yr old in the morning, he knows.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: registry
From: Erik Mooney <emooney.SPAMFILTERattila.stevens-tech.edu>
Date: Sat, 11 Dec 1999 16:13:18 -0500

>>-Yeah, I've always wanted to visit Uranus.
>/me tries to remember the line from Futurama.
>/me can't.

"Astronomers renamed the planet in 2613 to stop all the stupid jokes."
"What is it called now?"
"Urectum."

/me collects his rhod-points


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: registry
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 30 Nov 1999 21:50:32 -0500

Rebeka Thomas wrote:
} Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> wrote in message
} > Charles, whose brSff light up.
} --RST, who doesn't know what the fsk a brSff is.

Fear not, Rebeks, I had the same problem in my newbie days.

"Big Red Sodomizing French Fry"

Trust me, you don't want one of those locked in the john.

JIM, better go check if he's still there...


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: nuke.best.com (Bill Newcomb)
Date: 01 Dec 1999 01:22:19 GMT

Peter Willard <petew.drizzle.com> wrote:
> What is this rhod place that half the messages are from? Do you

Root Hog Or Die. A secret society somewhat like Skull and Bones, but at the University of Arkansas; also a bit more liberal with their admission policies. Then Mojo Nixon put out that album and now none of them can go into a record store ever again.

> have funny jokes about Larry Ellison? One time I saw Larry Ellison on tv. Did you know that Java dumb terminals replaced the PeeCee already? "Rebeka" reminds me that I need to join the I.O.O.F. while I can.

I like to move the dots up to the front, viz.: I...OOF


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: kmh4.pge.com (Ken Harlan)
Date: Wed, 1 Dec 1999 09:30:03 PDT

Rich Churcher <churchmouse.mpx.com.au> writes:
>Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis> writes:
>> Peter Willard seemed to say:
>> <yoink>
>> >OK, but I am calling r.h.o.d. users: "RHOD-O-DENDRONS" and I hope the name sticks!
>> I do to. Our self-inflicted "RHODents" isn't nearly as appealing.
>I kind of like RHOD-O-DENIZENS, but it's neither flora nor fauna, alas.

I kind of like RHOD-O-ROOTERS, it has a pleasant aroma to it.

Ken "Who cares about trademark infringement" Harlan


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 7 Dec 1999 22:11:18 -0600

Pooglian wrote:
} skywise seemed to say:
} >Um, yes. That or marry me.
} Do you mean it?! JOY!

Erg! Please? Can anyone remove this mental image I now have of the offspring from two rhodents reproducing?


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: Rich Churcher <churchmouse.mpx.com.au>
Date: 03 Dec 1999 12:13:27 +1100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes:
> Rich Churcher wrote:
> } "Peter Willard" <petew.drizzle.com> writes:
> } > RST <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote in message
> } > > btw, does ark have any name for the ppl that has the group acronym in it?
> } > arkologist
> } arketype
> arkington crescent!

'ark the 'erald angels siiiiiiing...


Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 08:06:07 GMT

Bill Newcomb wrote:
>THE LADIES' AUXILLARY
>Arlo Guthrie
>
>Well the ladies' auxillary
>It's a good auxillary
>'Bout the best auxillary
>That you ever did see
>So if you need an auxillary
>Try the ladies' auxillary
>That's the ladies'
>Aux-ill-ah-ry.

Hey! No fair using a rhyming dictionary!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explain r.h.o.d.
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 16:07:14 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Note that this came from a.r.k.. we're not invading Kibo too, are we?

I told you that running that thing SUID root would create a security hole, rip a void in the spacetime continuum, and allow crossposts into the group.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Mildly Sensitive Losers
From: Lionel <longword+usenet.newsguy.com>
Date: Wed, 01 Dec 1999 13:50:23 +0800

Lurker Praps <malc.potnoodle.SPICEDHAM.net> said:
>Also Sprach Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon:
>> >Several actual oracularities would beg to differ. i've seen the female ones referred to as priestesses in ACTUAL POSTINGS by the priesthood.
>> My call would be that it's kind of like "actors" ... the term used to be more male-specific (as "actresses" still is female-specific), but can actually be used as a gender-non-specific term.
>Thespians.

Sure, but what about the heterosexual actresses?


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This is getting out of hand.
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Tue, 07 Dec 1999 19:04:48 GMT

ki wrote:
>Karen wrote:
>> A word to the wise.. Never do tech support as a living, especially for 2 years.
>tell _me_ about it. i've been doing it for almost 6 (SIX?!?) and I'm 25. bleh. i can honestly say i'm proud of myself for not being more frazzled than i already am :D

Careful, every year you work in tech support shortens your life by two years, and requires three years of therapy.

Of course, in this wired age you don't actually need to _go_ to a therapist-- you can just have them email you a theragram. When that happens, AOL stops saying "You've Got Mail!", and instead shouts out "I have a Theragram!"

Which reminds me, several years ago, in an online discussion forum very different than this one, a woman joined in who turned out to be the wife of the "You've Got Mail" guy. Through her, we convinced him to record number of alternate sayings, all in the same cheery, energetic voice. Among the choices were..

"You've got credit card debt!"
"Stop touching me!"
"Why did you do that?"
"Spoooon!"

...and several others. I'll have to see if I've still got these around somewhere. I think they'd appeal to a RHODish sense of humor.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
I hope one of them was "Me too!"

Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This is getting out of hand.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 21:44:49 +1100

Ben schrieb:
> Gareth Kitchener <gjk.bigfoot.com> wrote:
>>- "Rebeka Thomas" <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote:
>>->You have a computer programming class?
>>-10 PRINT "What is your name?"
>>-20 INPUT name$
>>-30 PRINT "Hello ";name$
>>-40 GOTO 10
>What the hell is that?

An unspeakable Lovecraftian horror. Default depth, 2300'. It can loop to attack, and loop to confuse. It is resistant to cold, fire, and poison. Its hobbies include growing unmanageably, obfuscation, and sucking the brains out of geeky children.

Screwtape,
...<singing>I know because I'm one.</singing>


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This is getting out of hand.
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 12:39:39 -0800

Karen <karenjohnson.infoave.net.nospam> wrote:
> Gareth Kitchener wrote:
> > 10 PRINT "What is your name?"
> > 20 INPUT name$
> > 30 PRINT "Hello ";name$
> > 40 GOTO 10
> Personally, I like
> 10 PRINT "Hello ";
> 20 GOTO 10
>
> You get lines upon lines upon lines of "Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello Hello" all across the screen

I can sit and watch that for hours.



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