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1999 02

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: 1074-08
From: David Wasserman <dwasserm.math.berkeley.edu>
Date: Mon, 01 Feb 1999 11:09:51 -0800

I got a much better answer to this question a few months ago. I consider this Oracularity to be
proof that the priests don't really have time to read everything.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Zadoc most servile, who can swallow his pride and still be hungry,
please tell me,
> How do you act when the Oracle isn't around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When Orrie's not around, I am free to act real wiggy.
} I can play my Will Smith CD, and proceed with gettin' jiggy.
} I can turn up all the speakers and create a wall of sound,
} And play air guitar to Spinal Tap, when Orrie's not around.
} When Orrie's out of town, I can play with his collections
} Of shrunken-headed voodoo dolls and alien dissections.
} I can wear his Helm of *ZOT*(tm) and shoot a couple Cessnas down
} And some millionaire balloonists, when Orries' not in town.
} When Orrie's in the Poconos, I can let it all hang out
} I can run around in Underoos, cavort, and scream, and shout
} I can flip through Orrie's closet, I can try on Lisa's clothes,
} When the Oracle and Lisa travel to the Poconos.
} I can eat his Chocolate Ripple Swirl directly from the carton
} I can mix up gin, vermouth, and Tang, Pepsi, Sprite and Barton,
} Take a tiny sip, and pour the rest right down the drain
} As long as I'm alone, and Orrie's in the south of Spain.
} I could do a million sinful things. Ah, more than I can count!
} But the Oracle's omniscient, and that means he'd find me out.
} So mostly I behave myself, and kick back on the sofa,
} And munch on Quaker rice cakes while I watch reruns of Oprah.
} Sometimes I do macrame.
} You owe Zadoc a book of crossword puzzles.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: _____FAQ list for this newsgroup_____ 1884
From: Barry O'Neill <barry.oneillb.freeserve.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 05 Feb 1999 14:08:08 +0000

jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca wrote:
> gguesk.penis.nl egregriously spammed:
> : http://news-faqlist.(snip).net
>fcrqkmsgvphcepsoguwxxvtrvwotniypwnrtuyejzlqigvkiquikjxmrmxlegkhdengjbfmdpj zwpnzqmsiiskinxwtjvzgwusmikkgwizjrnvyzodypjjvoxlqgphkknuipdrxczctqgxxsrthcmb ohgfcswlgzfjvbngcdlggqdxiipgislnzzrwcswoidoedpvgfljcuoiysccfblmbsfbcscxwfejtdek
> All right, what's THAT stand for?

Fading crepuscular requiem,
Quiet knowledge made solid.
Grave voices pass hours,

Evening passes shrieking over
Gaping urban wastelands.
Twenty voices tear raging
Violent words of tragedy.

Night infiltrates you.
Peace will never rest,
Though under your eyelids
Jaded zulus laugh quietly.

I give vacuous knowledge.
Impassive questions,
I know jealousy.

Ten more running men,
Ten limping, exhausted gamblers.
Knowing how desperate,
Even now, gambling.

Just before fate
Makes despair pause,
Jaded zulus will perish
Near zulu queens.

Moving silently, intently,
I seek knowledge
In nearly ten ways.
Though just vicariously.

Zips give way
Under sweaty manipulation.
I know koalas
Gnaw wood.

Idle zephyrs jostle reeds.
Not-very-young zephyrs
Often disturb your peace.
Jostling, joyful voices.

Over ten leagues
Quickly go past.
Heavily knurled knowledge
Never understands.

I pause dramatically,
Revealing ten concealed zips.
Can this question
Get twenty swift replies?

This hateful campaign
Makes Barons of Hell.
(Great first course -
Sliced woodchuck.)

Lazy green zoo-flies
Juxtapose veiled black.
Never going,
Casting doubt.

Life's garbled greatness
quickly dispelled.
"Xenophobes, indeed!"
I pronounce gravely.

Island's souls lost.
(New Zealand's zealots.)
Ragged writhing cacophony
Screams without order.

I don't owe everything.
Duplicitous plunderers!
Vile grabbers flee,
Leaving just causes umbrage.

Or if you should
Catch chasing fish.
Be lenient, my brother.
Some fish bite.

Casual sorrows,
Counting ten white falsehoods.
Even Joe the detective
Eventually kills.

You owe me a black polo-neck shirt and a beret. I have my own goatee, thanks.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Newspapaer Columnist says "groundhogs are coming to take you away"
From: robert_b_cooke.mindspring.com (Robert B. Cooke)
Date: Sat, 06 Feb 1999 05:57:44 GMT

jonmeltzer.mindspring.com (Jon Meltzer) wrote:
> robert_b_cooke.mindspring.com (Robert B. Cooke) wrote:
>>I haven't even been lurking in RHOD recently, but I saw this article in todays "Birmingham Post-Herald" newspaper, and thought some of you might enjoy it. Nick Patterson claims that a groundhog conspiracy exists to eat politicians.

[singed ashes stir, and a hand pokes upward, index finger extended]
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW that I didn't even come close to asking the dreaded w**dch*ck question in this post. AND NOT ONLY THAT, I contributed a link to a new, original humorous post.
What? OK, so it had nothing to do directly with the Internet Oracle, but I hardly see that as a problem, after all most of the posts on RHOD...
Well, no the humorous article didn't exactly jump out at you when you surfed to the link; you did have to page down two or three times, but, after all, I didn't design the Post-Herald web site...
No, of course I didn't expect a ZOTTING! What? I'm sorry, what? Stop that snickering! Well, I thought I might be ignored, or be cascaded, or possibly have my hair set on fire, or, well, gee, I don't know. ANYTHING could happen. I mean, this is RHOD after all, hangout of creative, humourous, and dangerously warped minds from the entire extent of the 'Net...
You're laughing again.
Look, if you think this is so humourous, let's see you come up with a better funny groundhog link, huh?!
[mumble, grumble growl, mumble fargin stragin fring-togglin Rhodites, think they're so smart... grump grump grump]
[singed ashes exit, stage left]

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Teletubbies
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 19 Feb 1999 03:38:50 GMT

Richard Wilson wrote:
>gdelacey.bigpond.com "GW De Lacey" writes:
>> >Enid Blyton? Doesn't ring a bell. Can you give a few titles?
>> I guess 'Noddy' is her most famous character.
>He hasn't cracked the US market yet AFAIK, but I believe he's making headway in Japan. I seem to recall the rights to commercialise Noddy exchanging hands for a hefty sum recently. Or was that Paddington? It made the pages of the FT anyway.
>Not wishing to defend the excesses of the PC censors (bring back the Robinsons Golliwog, I say), but some years ago a Dutch multicultural magazine printed a number of panels from "Tintin in Africa" (which I believe is out of print there), without comment. I have to admit the colonial attitudes and racial stereotyping on display were quite arresting seen in that context. And old Herge was merely reflecting the mores of his time.
>Then again, I read a lot of Tintin when I was little, and I don't think I harbour any subliminal urges to go out and conquer the Belgian Congo. Burkina Fasso perhaps, but not the Belgian Congo...

Ah, but that's how it starts, y'see? First it's just conquering Burkina Faso, as a single, isolated event. But once you've done that, you start thinking, hey, I might as well knock out Ghana and Benin while I'm at it, right? And once you've to them, well, Togo's right between 'em, so the next thing you know you're conquering again. Soon it's not just small countries. You want more, more, more. You realize that Mongolia seems like a pretty easy target, and down it goes. And then, well, you're right next door to Russia, aren't you? And they're in economic disarray, so it's not as hard as you might expect. But it's not enough. In a power-mad stupor you attempt to conquer China.

Finally, a few hundred million people manage to make you come to your senses. You enter a rehab program. It's a long, hard trek back from conquering addiction.

Hi, my name is Tom, and I have not conquered a country in six weeks....

...it all started when I read this comic book about a guy named "Tintin", and his dog "Snowy".

Kids: JUST SAY NO TO TINTIN. It's not worth it! Friends don't let friends conquer countries!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Teletubbies
From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca ()
Date: 20 Feb 1999 17:38:10 GMT

Keith Drake wrote:
[bad Snowy! bad!]
: Keith "I drive like Woodstock flies" D.

Upside down?

JIM, must be hard on roof-racks but I'll bet your tires last forever

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Half A Brain
From: Nathan Sullivan <nsulliv.pacbell.net>
Date: 23 Feb 1999 17:10:41 -0800

"Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com> writes:
> -- Kimberly "tech reporter at large, and I'm quite large" Chapman

That gives the term "covering the news" a whole new meaning.

--Nathan "Not large by any measure. Well, maybe one." Sullivan

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Half A Brain
From: Barry O'Neill <londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Feb 1999 02:01:26 GMT

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Try putting the toilet seat down.

OK, here goes...

"Hey, toilet seat - you smell bad and your mother was a horse collar. You'll never amount to anything, just like your dad..."

It doesn't feel right, somehow.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Loser: WE DON'T CARE IF YOU ZOT US
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 01 Mar 1999 09:28:23 +1100

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Our IT guy got a call from someone doing a survey of IT guys on the Y2K thing, and they asked what he had done to prepare, and he told them we had no problem because he just switched us to the Chinese calendar instead. :)

This is still a problem for humans, though. It's now the year of the rabbit, but I'm still writing year of the tiger on all my letters.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Worst Of The Us^H^HInternet Oracle, 100-1000
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1999 23:35:32 GMT

Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Michael G. Thompson wrote:
>> One does note that you did not mention which priests were responsible for nominating these choice pieces of smeg!
>Welcome to the machine. *Now* do you appreciate the sheer genius that went into Digest 000? Not to mention the vote coding and the timing of the release of the digest? It still makes me smile even now: it was one of the sweetest April Fool's capers ever, and it took months of planning.

The thing I liked so much was the "D1K bug" that was built up here and in questions to the Oracle for months in advance. And then of course, that so damn many people bought into it so wholeheartedly.

And best of all, it may have been the first clue any of us ever had that priests have a sense of humor.

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Half A Brain
Date: 3 Feb 1999 17:35:48 GMT

Tim Chew wrote:
>tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) spewed:
>>Teletubbies, however, is entertaining. It almost makes me wish that I was using the appropriate recreational drugs to get the full effect.
>I don't think the appropriate recreational drugs are necessary for the >Teletubbies. I've seen one episode, and, whoa, it was like some weird high.

That's it! If you watch Teletubbies, you don't NEED drugs, because it's just like being stoned! And it's perfectly legal! All the hallucinations and none of the side effects! Well, aside from a tendency to shout "Again! Again!" every time you see something cool.
Just wait for the public service announcements:
"This is your brain." (announcer holds up an egg)
"This is your brain on Teletubbies." (announcer holds up a bizarrely decorated Easter egg)
"Any questions?"

From: Malcolm Pack (m.pack....)
Subject: Re: tellme
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/02/07

Also Sprach Otis Viles:
> Lars R. Clausen:
> >But anything on-topic is off-topic.
> Openly disagreeing with an Oracle Priest? Oh dear, I'll have to add your name to Molerat's ...

Ooh-er! Numerologically speaking, adding Lars's name to Molerat's yields........251, The Number Of The Bus. <faint>

From: Tim Chew (twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: tellme
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/02/11

Ian Davis <davis....> spewed:
>Nils Desle wrote:
>> "Michael G. Thompson" wrote:
>> > P.S.: Add to that the use of the term "sci-fi" (*shudder*) for science or speculative fiction.
>> I though I was the only one who hates that term! I'm not alone! Huzzah!
>Way way *way* back in the dim dark ages, I think my very first post to Usenet was what I thought was a tongue-in-cheek posting about this. It turns out it was a troll, albeit unintentional, and I got flamed for it. Now look at me. Children, watch and learn: see what the internet does to naughty children who misbehave.

Ohmigod! They turn them into IAN! Ahhh!!!

From: Daniel E. Macks (dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu)
Subject: Re: tellme
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/02/13

DMP <ten.asu.rekrapmd> said:
: Screwtape wrote:
: >Stuff written by jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca:
: >> Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org) wrote:
: >>: Stuff written by Corran Webster:
: >>: >Corran
: >>: >(1 A/\/\ 3L33T!!1!!! 53N|) M3 WAR3Z D00D!!!1!!1!!)
: >>: What would you do with a warez d00d?
: >>I hear they're nice as grilled fillets with shrimp and soy sauce, over a bed of rice with asparagus spears on the side.
: >>A little stringy, though, if you grill'em too long.
: >> JIM, it's lunchtime!
: >So we're having half a Dumpcarret with oregano, half a Dumpcarret without, and some grated warez d00d for salad?
: So you guys are going to have me over for lunch? How nice...

You *are* game, aren't you?

dan, whose bight red Siamese fighting fishies like to play hunting games

From: Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org)
Subject: Re: tellme
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/02/15

Stuff written by Nathan Sullivan:
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) writes:
>> Tim "If I'm fighting the cascade cops, what does that make me?" Allen
>Dead meat, buddy.
>--Nathan "Cascade Cop" Sullivan

"... except that one day he put his beliefs into action, and it took six Federal Marshalls to take him down..."

From: Nathan Sullivan (nsulliv.pacbell.net)
Fortunately, we Cascade Cops aren't constrained by such silly notions as "due process", or "innocent until proven guilty".
--Nathan "Snipers are your friends. But not for long." Sullivan

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