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1999 01

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles?
From: jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan)
Date: Sat, 9 Jan 1999 07:35:16 GMT

Henriette Kress wrote:
;"Michael G. Thompson" <mthompsn.mica.edu> wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
; >> Very interesting, but I still want to know the top speed and the acceleration!
; ><carsales>I can see you want to cut right to the chase on this, my friend!</carsales>
; >DIESEL ENGINE
; > Type: V8, N.A. 6.5L Diesel Fuel Injection
; > Bore and Stroke: 4.06 x 3.82 in. (10.3 x 9.7 cm)
; (snip)
; > TURBO DIESEL ENGINE
; > Type: V8, 6.5L Diesel Turbocharged, Electronically Controlled
; > Bore and Stroke: 4.06 x 3.82 in. (10.3 x 9.7 cm)
; (snip)
; > Suspension: Independent double A-frame with open-end coil springs and hydraulic shock absorbers
; > Tires: 37 x 12.50R-16.5 LT load range "D" Goodyear Wrangler MT radial with optional beadlock or Runflat
; Michael, be honest now: you found all that in an Indian ELEPHANT?
; Henriette (I wonder where he hides it)

In its trunk, of course.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: wje.netcom.com (William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm})
Date: Fri, 15 Jan 1999 12:14:54 GMT

"Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com> wrote:
:Hey! I shower every day!

Foo: They did a study, and found that of all the people who shower every day, 20% of them play with themselves while they're in the shower, and the other 80% sing. And the funny thing is, they all sing the same song.

Bar: Oh? What song is that?
Foo: Well, I _figured_ you wouldn't know.

-- Captain Nitpick -- Kentucky is at the center of the universe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Jan 1999 17:05:46 GMT

William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} (wje.netcom.com) said:
: Foo: They did a study, and found that of all the people who shower every day, 20% of them play with themselves while they're in the shower, and the other 80% sing. And the funny thing is, they all sing the same song.
: Bar: Oh? What song is that?
: Foo: Well, I _figured_ you wouldn't know.

Was that the same study that found that 75% of the people pee in the shower, and 25% of the people are liars?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are ignoring DMP's post


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1999 07:52:19 +1100

DMP wrote:
> You know sometimes I go to the bathroom when I'm in the shower, I guess that's not such a big deal, but I hate when I have to push it down the drain with my toes...
> Let's not even talk about the bathtub...

I'm fascinated by the American use of the euphemism "bathroom." Even babies as young as a day old, unable even to roll around, apparently have the ability to get up from their crib and make their lemming-like way to the bathroom, where presumably they fall down again while wondering why such a strong instinctive drive had brought them there. Now DMP indirectly informs us that his shower is located in another room than his bathroom, since he has to go there while in the shower. I wonder if his architect is off his medication yet.

Most fascinating of all, however, is the way American paraphrased versions of the Bible translate 1 Samuel 24:3. In the KJV: "And he came to the sheepcotes by the way, where was a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet: and David and his men remained in the sides of the cave." Saul is on the hunt for David when he realises he got up that morning with mismatched socks. However, in the RSV we are given slightly different information: "And he came to the sheepfolds by the way, where there was a cave; and Saul went in to relieve himself. Now David and his men were sitting in the innermost parts of the cave." The unfolding war between Saul and David is turning ugly: Saul is now going out of his way to piss on him. Of course, if only he had followed DMP's lead and removed his Prince Methuselah piercing, he could have gotten David soaked by standing anywhere within a 100 cubit radius. The Living Bible, which unfortunately I don't have in front of me but whose words have stuck with me lo these long years, paraphrases it something like as follows: "Now Saul went in to the cave to go to the bathroom." This is intriguing on so many levels, but I will point out only two: firstly, that the neural pathways determining this presumably seasonal migratory behaviour were evident even thousands of years ago; and secondly, that one day some poor archaelogist is going to have a stroke as he uncovers a small cave hidden since the days of ancient Israel. Reeling from the stench, he will see by smoky torchlight some well-chewed toothbrushes, some tiling badly in need of new grouting, and written in tiny print in ancient Hebrew on the bottom of the toilet door, "Beware of limbo dancers." Our entire notion of Middle Eastern ancient history will need to be rewritten.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and siphon the python.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: Nathan Sullivan <nsulliv.pacbell.net>
Date: 22 Jan 1999 01:25:32 -0800

Nils Desle <nils.desle.cegeka.be> writes:
> Right. There'll be no more of this kind of talk around here, okay? Some of us are reading this at work, and now I have to remain seated for a while. What if I had a meeting, huh? Do you WANT me to get fired? Would that make you happy? Could you live with yourself if you got me laid off?[1]

In order:
I'm not stopping.
You'd be embarrassed.
That might be a kick.
Not all that much, really.
*giggle*

> [1] Don't even think it.

Too late.

--Nathan "This isn't as funny as I thought. Damn." Sullivan
Stark raving sane.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 19 Jan 1999 04:50:40 GMT

[this thread -was- about screens]

John (johndRemoveThis.deltanet.IDONTLIKESPAM.com) said:
: Daniel Hildebrandt <hildy.pamd.cig.mot.com> apparently wrote:
: >Hildy
: >Twenty-one inches and proud of it!
: I hear that certain plastic surgeons can fix that so you don't pass out whenever a sexy woman walks by.

Or trip her.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder why that guy keeps dipping his depth gauge in their bowl


From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.shasta.cs.uiuc.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
Date: 19 Jan 1999 22:00:06 -0600

On Tue, 19 Jan 1999, Al Sharka wrote, without the least grovelling:
> Lars Clausen wrote:
>> Al Sharka wrote
>> > Henning Halfpap wrote:
>> >> Henninge <--- it's there again!
>> > Aw, don't worry about it. You can start your own ministry. All you need is a van.
>> ITYM a vane. HTH. HAPD.
> Yer a loony! Wot's the "P" for?

I AM NOT A LOONY! Why should I be attired with the epithet looney merely because I wish you a perfect day? I've heard tell that Sir Nils Desle had a profound evening (you wouldn't call him a looney); furthermore, D. M. Parker, the lord penis piercer, had a night, called private, after his favorite parts, Kimberly Chapman had two weekends, both called passionate, and Matt Kerbel had an afternoon!

-Lars "Eric" Clausen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 20 Jan 1999 04:00:23 GMT

In article <36A4C23D.177A.my-dejanews.com>, Al Sharka wrote:
>Lars Clausen wrote:
>> ITYM a vane. HTH. HAPD.
>Yer a loony! Wot's the "P" for?

The "P" isn't FOR anything, Al. Just make sure to get it all in the toilet, OK?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: Ian Davis <davis.licre.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1999 08:27:05 +1100

Henning Halfpap wrote:
> > -- Kimberly "Die Auto ist schmutzig" Chapman
> Ooooh, goofed up. "Auto" in German is neutral, so it would be "Das Auto"

Well, no wonder it's schmutzig. Put the damn thing in gear and let's go.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Space Station
From: Talkam <moores.one.two.net.au>
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 20:16:41 +1000

Quoth the Raving:
> Talkam wrote in message <36AC6B79.44B4.two.net.au>...
> >> > because I was wearing my front-hook bra (well they're all front-hook or pull-over, actually) that's a bit too small now, so I don't do up the top two hooks, so it does this really great half-cupping thing underneath that pushes them up a little but leaves the tops uncovered so they jiggle _very_ nicely, even making the thin cloth of my shirt jiggle in accordance.
> >_Stop Stop I can't take anymore._ My mind isn't big enough to encompass the images.
> Oh, now really. What's so HARD to TAKE? It's just a little bit of BREASTS talk. What, do you think my BREASTS don't move around? They sure do! In fact, they SLIDE AGAINST EACH OTHER all day long, often getting a bit SWEATY and STUFF.

> -- Kimberly "*wind*wind*wind*wind*" Chapman

Well thank you _very_ much. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean bits of brain and skull off the walls and...

HEY D00DZ THIS IS R33| KEWL I KUN STILL POST TO THIS USENET STUFF AND I AINT GOT NO BRAINS NO MORE D00DZ. ANY YOU DOODZ OUT THER NO WARE I CAN GET WAREZ AND WATZ THIS EFTEEPEE STUFF


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Jan 1999 06:44:28 GMT

jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca said:
: AAAHH!!! Dumpcarat's in my head!!! AAAHH!!!

The lunatics are all in RHOD.
The lunatics are all in RHOD.
Rehashing threads and in jokes by the load.
I wonder if that cooler overflowed.

The keyboard came, the keyboard went.
The keyboards came, the keyboards went.
Somehow reading RHOD made them fill with beer.
I think that's the tenth one I've killed this year.

And if days off I take the threads will fill with posts
Can't read 'em all, so I'll have to choose.
And if I'm late my server will've already expired most.
That's why I am a fan of DejaNews.

AAAHH!!! Dumpcarat's in my head!!!
AAAHH!!! Dumpcarat's in my head!!!
He raised the lance, he made the change
He re-arranged it now it's strange.

I closed my eyes but before too long
There's a vision in my head of his pierced shlong.
And if he has to pee he'll splatter on his feet
I hope he remembers to raise the seat.
And if the thread you're in starts drifting to and fro.
That's the way it is here on the RHOD.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will have demo tapes RSN


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Jan 1999 17:22:19 -0600
--------
Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
> > from Adam James Fitzpatrick
> > ; >Wow! You mean people are still *using* those things? In-con-ceivable!
> > ; Microsoft: we put the "con" in "inconceivable".
> > The Republican Party: We put the "con" in "congress."
> So we get rid of M$ and the GOP and we have "inceivable" and "gress". I don't get it.
> <mutter, grumble>Must be some Merkin thing</mutter, grumble>

What a cept! I cede that we are overbearing sometimes, but it is my viction that it isn't malicious. Of course we are stantly cealing our true motives, but I wouldn't be cerned if I were you. Relax, take in a cert or two, maybe try to learn the certina, and make a certed effort to just ignore us. Maybe just go the the beach and look for ches. Perhaps if you centrate you can ceive of a plan to vict us all of ceit. Afterwards, we'll try to get a plan together for ciliation. I hope that this has been cise.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: cclovis.gtenospam.net (Cici in Texas)
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 00:38:54 GMT

On Sat, 30 Jan 1999 05:35:33 GMT in rec.humor.oracle.d, Jeffrey Kaplan tapped out the following:
>Talkam wrote:
>; > What a cept! I cede that we are overbearing sometimes, but it is my viction that it isn't malicious. Of course we are stantly cealing our true motives, but I wouldn't be cerned if I were you. Relax, take in a cert or two, maybe try to learn the certina, and make a certed effort to just ignore us. Maybe just go the the beach and look for ches. Perhaps if you centrate you can ceive of a plan to vict us all of ceit. Afterwards, we'll try to get a plan together for ciliation. I hope that this has been cise.
>; Quick someone give him the name of a good con merchant.
>ITYM "artist," not "merchant."

Just because nobody understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Cici in Texas
--
If you haven't grown up by the time you're 35, you don't have to.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: days_and_nights.my-dejanews.com
Date: Wed, 03 Feb 1999 02:51:07 GMT

"Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com> wrote:
[in part]
>Now watch out or I'll sick my man-eating Canadian beaver on you.

Does your male gynecologist know about this?

Molly D.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 4 Feb 1999 21:15:51 +1100

Stuff written by Richard Fitzpatrick:
>jkapllan.world.std.com (Jeffrey Kaplan) wrote:
>> Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>> ; > The lawn needs mowing and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.
>> ; > Tim "Cascade, anyone?" Allen
>> ; Wait a minute, now. There'll be no cascading here on _my_ watch.
>> That watch looks stolen to me.
>The stole was around the socialite's creamy porcelain shoulders.

That's a prosthetic I didn't need to know about.

Tim Allen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Did I miss a memo?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 18:45:29 +1100

Stuff written by Nathan Sullivan:
>brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) writes:
>> I know you're not all figments of my imagination, because if you were, you'd all look like beautiful models, and you'd also all be giving me money. That's what *I* would imagine.
>Well, unfortunately, what you want to imagine and what you actually imagine aren't always the same thing.

Does that have relevance outside of pure mathematics? I can't think of many reasonable imaginary goals that are unimaginable. Surely having a goal implies that it will fit in the human mind?

Regardless, I'm not a figment of the imaginations, collective or otherwise, of anyone on this group. That's because I'm already a figment of the imagination of one Jacob Skaaning, along with everyone else in alt.fan.douglas-adams. I don't know what he'd do if he knew I was seeing another newsgroup behind his back, but I suspect he does because he does.

Tim "haven't tortured enough grammar today" Allen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I AM SUPERMAN!!
From: wje.netcom.com (William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm})
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 11:21:13 GMT

jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca () wrote:
> JIM, who's still trying to get the crayon off his kitchen floor

Why don't you just bend over and pick it up?

-- Captain Nitpick - Kentucky is at the center of the universe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Revenge on Og!
From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk
Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999 09:56:26 GMT

kiwihead.my-dejanews.com wrote:
> > } You owe The Oracle an extremely satisfying way of extracting revenge on Og. And it must be long-lasting, and extremely painful.
> (question 1068-02)
> Any ideas?
> - Ciaran.

Top ten ways of getting revenge on Og

10) Paint his big spiky club hot pink.
9) Start a discussion in sci.anthropology.paleo that the extinction of the Neanderthals was due to extremely small penises.
8) Send large numbers of photos of Brad Pitt to Ogwa, in the hope that she puts them up on the cave wall and makes him feel inadequate.
7) Make him a contestant on Countdown.
6) Don't let him be a contestant on Jerry Springer.
5) Remove his remains from the big display case in the Natural Histroy Museum and put them in a smaller one.
4) Rename above remains 'Cro-Magnon'.
3) Tell him that bathing in Mammoth dung will appease the Oracle.
2) Try to think of self-punishing acts that we can claim will appease The Oracle that he doesn't do already.
And the number one way of getting revenge on Og.
1) Send his video copy of '1,000,000BC' to Dreamworks to have them digitally replace Raquel Welch with a warthog.

Cheers,
Ross-c


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles? Part II
From: m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk (Malcolm Pack)
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 22:37:18 GMT

Also Sprach Jason Willoughby:
> The obvious flaw here is that orgasm developed long before mammals decided they had better things to do with their front limbs. Every warmblood on the planet can orgasm, male and female, bipedal or not.

I would dispute that. Most quadrupeds have sex for procreation, not recreation. Only primates seem to indulge in the latter, AFAIK. David Attenborough has never shown two gnu lying back and having a cigarette, for example.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles? Part II
From: m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk (Malcolm Pack)
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 05:30:22 GMT

Also Sprach Kirsten Chevalier:
> Which would make perfect sense if not for the nagging little fact that it's impossible for most women to routinely orgasm from penis-vagina intercourse alone...

Which is why men are busily further-evolving their eustachian tubes to allow them to breathe through their ears.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles? Part II
From: jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca ()
Date: 26 Jan 1999 17:52:26 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan (jkapllan.world.std.com) incautiously remarked:
:Daniel Hildebrandt wrote:
: ; <trivia>
: ; One brSff is a fish.
: ; Two brSff are fish.
: ; A brSff and a tuna are two fishes.
: ; </trivia>
: Maybe, but can you tuna fish?

No problem, just play scales.
JIM, [ducks!]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trolling For Dolphin Meat
From: Talkam <moores.one.two.net.au>
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1999 21:17:58 +1000

Quoth the Raving:
> "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com> writes:
> > > So I'm too tired to be sufficiently angered by this fool. You may dispose of him as you see fit.
> *grin* Let's see if I can pull this off.
> <scene: White Star briefing room>
> Captain: So, what do you recommend for disposal of the poor bastard?
> Commander: I think a surgical strike is the only option.
> Captain: And how, exactly, did you intend to do that? He's planetside.
> <Commander grins evilly>
> Captain: Ah, hell.
> <cut to bridge. Captain and Commander enter>
> Captain: Comms, contact our operative on the planet surface. We need accurate coords for our target.
> Comms: Aye, Captain.
> Captain: Helm, take us into position, and await coordinates from the surface.
> Helm: Aye, sir.
> Captain: Comms, contact White Stars, uh, 42 and 117, and have them take up position alongside us. They'll be assisting on this strike.
> Comms: Aye, Captain.
> Comms: We've got the coords, Captain.
> Helm: Coords locked in. At your command, Captain.
> Captain: You ready, Commander?
> Commander: Are you kidding? I've been looking forward to this all day, sir.
> Captain: Then let's go. Signal the other ships. Jump on my command. <dramatic pause> Jump.
> <scene: Anytown, USA. A small, rundown shack. Camera pans around, and we see a person sitting in front of a computer, typing madly. Camera continues panning, pointing upward toward the sky. Three points flash in the dky, and emerge as blue jumppoints. From each jumppoint, a White Star emerges, flying toward the small shack.>
> Captain: Fire!
> <fx: Beams and pulse blasts emit from the ships, completely obliterating the small shack, and it's lone occupant. The ships pull up and yellow jumppoints form, swallowing the ships as they head back to hyperspace. Camera pans down to the target of their attack. Or what's left of it. A small, blackened crater, about 10 m in diameter, is all that's left of the poor soul.>
> Captain: You are indeed evil, Commander.
> Commander: Thank you, sir. And you don't know *half* of the things that I do. <another evil grin>
> Captain: Though I have to admit, that was rather satisfying.
> G'kar (Where's he come from?): And they made a *very* satisfying thump.
> <fx: Raucous laughter erupts from the crew. The ships fly off in formation. Fade to black.>

<fx: Wiggles hands behind ears and pokes out tongue.>
Nyah Nyah ya mi-issed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trolling For Dolphin Meat
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
Date: Wed, 27 Jan 1999 22:42:06 GMT

"Kimberly Chapman" wrote:
[snip]
>-- Kimberly "how hard is it to remember Bitch Queen Demon Goddess?" Chapman

Is that what it stands for? I thought it was "Big Quarterly Dividend Goddess".

Boy, have I been praying in the wrong direction.

Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DMP/barbecue threadling {was Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles? Part II}
From: Barry O'Neill <barry.oneillb.freeserve.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 16:24:34 +0000

Malcolm Pack wrote:
> Also Sprach Barry O'Neill:
> > [1] Please don't start another DMP/barbecue threadling - it's not big and it's not clever.
> Two excellent reasons to start one.

Aha! But many in this froup are:
a. Big.
b. Clever.
c. All of the above.
Therefore, contributing to such a thread would create a paradox, thus causing the poster to wink out of exist


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: DMP/barbecue threadling {was Re: Does anyone else name their vehicles? Part II}
From: mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk (Mike Jewell)
Date: Sun, 31 Jan 1999 17:03:25 GMT

>Therefore, contributing to such a thread would create a paradox, thus causing the poster to wink out of exist

;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-)
;-
;
,

<pop>

...



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