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1999 06

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: only the first 10 rows
From: jzeitlin.cyburban.com (Jeff Zeitlin)
Date: 6 Jun 1999 08:37:10 -0500

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>>Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> said:
>>: tim wren wrote:
>>: > Tim "unless I'm in a hall of mirrors" Wren
>>: you are in a hall of twisty mirrors, all the same.
>>LOOK AT SELF
>Oddly enough, you have no reflection.
>You are in a hall of twisty mirrors, all the same.

REFLECT ON ODDITY


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poster is away, please leave a message
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 30 Jun 1999 20:41:40 GMT

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
>It's a bit of a slippery slope. Sure, I'd love constructive criticism when warranted, but I don't want a lecture on every answer I make. I suppose things like "I would have digested this if you hadn't said X or hadn't made it so long" etc might be helpful, but I don't think it would be appropriate for a priest to say, "that's not how I would have answered at all, I would have done this."

Here's a simple form to help them out. The all-purpose Oracle Priest's feedback form letter, just check the boxes and send it on its way.

Dear

[ ] Incarnation,
[ ] Bozo,
[ ] Clueless wonder,
[ ] Tofu Head,

In regards to your recent Oracular incarnation:

[ ] We at the Oracle appreciate the effort.
[ ] We at the Oracle wonder what's wrong with you.
[ ] Apparently you are unclear on the concept of the Oracle.
[ ] What the hell do you think you're doing?
[ ] We're going to make you pay for this.

It was obvious from your answer that:

[ ] You spent a lot of time carefully crafting a response.
[ ] You spent no time and just wrote the first thing that occurred to you.
[ ] You take great pride in your work.
[ ] You take no pride in your work.
[ ] Your head is infested with roaches.
[ ] You are a total bozo.
[ ] You were dropped on your head as a child.

Unfortunately, your answer was rejected because

[ ] It was too long.
[ ] It was too short.
[ ] It just didn't make me laugh, sorry.
You ([ ] mentioned [ ] did not mention) Og.
You ([ ] mentioned [ ] did not mention) Lisa.
You ([ ] mentioned [ ] did not mention) Zadoc.
You ([ ] mentioned [ ] did not mention) Kinzler.
You ([ ] mentioned [ ] did not mention) Me.
It ([ ] was [ ] was not) an Infocom parody.
It ([ ] was [ ] was not) a Monty Python rip-off.
It ([ ] was [ ] was not) a "top 100" list.
It ([ ] was [ ] was not) funny.
[ ] It's the lamest piece of shit I've ever seen.
[ ] I don't like you.
[ ] I wouldn't know a decent answer if it bit me on the ass.

In the future, you can increase your chances of making the digest by

[ ] Making your answers shorter.
[ ] Making your answers longer.
[ ] Trying to be funny for a change.
([ ] Mentioning [ ] Not mentioning) Og.
([ ] Mentioning [ ] Not mentioning) Lisa.
([ ] Mentioning [ ] Not mentioning) Zadoc.
([ ] Mentioning [ ] Not mentioning) Kinzler.
([ ] Mentioning [ ] Not mentioning) Me.
([ ] Writing [ ] Not writing) an Infocom parody.
([ ] Writing [ ] Not writing) a Monty Python rip-off.
([ ] Writing [ ] Not writing) a "top 100" list.
Writing something that ([ ] is [ ] is not) funny for a change.
[ ] Performing ritual sex acts for the priesthood's benefit.
[ ] Ceasing your ritual sex acts, which frighten the priesthood.
[ ] Sticking your head in a bucket of piranha fish.

We hope that you

[ ] Are not discouraged and will try again.
[ ] Are discouraged and will not try again.
[ ] Get a clue.
[ ] Are available for parties.
[ ] Fuck off and die.

After all, if at first you don't succeed,

[ ] Try, try again.
[ ] There's really no point in continuing.
[ ] Maybe you can get a job writing Adam Sandler movies.

You owe the priesthood:

[ ] Another try.
[ ] A promise not to try again.
[ ] A clue.
[ ] Sex.
[ ] Money.
[ ] A promise to seek professional help.
[ ] Some of whatever it is that you're smoking.

In closing,

[ ] Thank you for participating in the Oracle.
[ ] Please do not send any more messages to the Oracle.
[ ] Go away.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: $subj
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: 21 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT

On Mon, 21 Jun 1999, AllanW wrote:
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> > AllanW wrote:
> > > > > >An entire digest of questions and answers in the style of John Cage.
> > > Wasn't John Cage the older paramedic on "Emergency"?
> > ISTR "Gage" as one of the character's names. Maybe.
> Okay, I'll give you this one ... but then, who was Johnny Cage?

COMING IN SUMMER, 2000 ... KEANU REEVES *IS* "JOHNNY CAGE"!

[Ext. Shot: Keanu rapidly fleeing a flaming piano. The piano explodes dramatically.]

Keanu/Cage: Whoa.

RHOD Pictures presents the ACTION-CLASSICAL-MUSIC-BLOCKBUSTER HIT OF THE YEAR! Also starring Geoffrey Rush as Philip Glass..

Glass: We begin this bold new artistic venture, to free music from the restraints of the classical Western tradition, slip free of the bonds of melody and harmony, and to let sounds be themselves, rather than vehicles for man-made theories or expressions of human sentiment!
Keanu/Cage: Excellent! [SFX: Guitar flurry]
... Samuel L. Jackson as Miles Davis...
Davis: [rasp] [mumble] [rasp]
Keanu/Cage: What?
Glass: He called you a muthafucka.
Keanu/Cage: Cool.
... and Ewan McGregor as Obi-wan Kenobi.
Kenobi: Your music is very strong in the Force, John Cage.
Keanu/Cage: Dude, what's with your hair?
Don't miss the ACTION!!
[scene of Keanu beating the crap out of assorted high-brow New England music critics with his high flyin' martial arts moves]
Don't miss the SUSPENSE!!
[Keanu is tied to a bass-drum as razor-sharp cymbals swing menacingly overhead]
Keanu/Cage: Do expect me to conform to traditional polyphonic harmonies, Stravinski?!
Evil Orchestra Conductor: No, Mr. Cage, I expect you to die!
Don't miss the MUSICAL EXPERIENCE!
[thirty seconds of an utterly silent, blank screen]
KEANU REEVES *IS*.... JOHNNY CAGE!!!
Keanu/Cage: Whoa.
Coming Summer 2000 to a froup near you.

JIM,... and stretch!


From: Chris Reuter (cgreuter.calum.csclub.uwaterloo.ca)
Subject: Re: Woohoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/06/25

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> wrote:
[...]
>B'sides, if he's using RH Linux, then what he really has is some version of vim, which is far, far better than the old-fashioned vi that we used in the days when Victoria reigned.

Ah yes, I remember it well from my days at Her Majesty's Computing Academy. I seem to recall that it had one nasty bug. If a regular expression matched more than 255 characters in one go, the boiler would explode. You had to keep one eye on xload the whole time and be ready to duck.

I wanted to run emacs even then (version 1.0 IIRC) but I couldn't afford that much coal.

--Chris

...on the plus side, there was always plenty of tea...


From: Corran Webster (cwebster.math.tamu.edu)
Not to mention that every time that a page of memory swapped, you needed a 20 man work team and a crane to move that section of the difference engine out of the workshop.

Corran
(luddites R us)


From: Ed Chauvin IV (edc81u4.newsguy.com)
Subject: Re: Woohoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/06/28

Daniel Glick wrote:
>Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>[excise]
>>"Warning: Toppings may have been exposed to peanut dust."
>On the Ice Coffee I had today: "Warning: Contents are Very Hot"

DQ is now selling "Frozen Hot Chocolate", with extra oxymorons.


From: Richard Wilson (Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Woohoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/06/29

dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu "Daniel E. Macks" writes:
> Serendippety has had that for years. I remember the first few sips are

You have no idea how much suffering you cause with careless spelling. I now have serendippety-doo-dah running incessantly through my head.

Richard Wilson

Worse still, it never seems to bump into anything


From: Paul (brightredfish.mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Woohoo!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1999/06/30

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>>Well if it'd help, you can visit the thread over there --> and imbibe from the "The Song That Never Ends" song.
>You have no idea how grateful I am that I have never seen the late, unlamented Lamb Chop show, and that I have therefore never heard that song. If it's even half as annoying as the posts about it, I think I would have shot myself by now.

Video tape on the way.



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