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1999 03

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Worst Of The Us^H^HInternet Oracle, 100-1000
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Tue, 02 Mar 99 17:38:16 GMT

asharka.my-dejanews.com "Al Sharka" writes:

Number of digest / Score 4.9 4.6 4.5 4.4 4.3 4.2 4.1 4.0
100's 1 1 2 2 5 7 10 17
200's 1 1 1 4 3 4 8
300's 2 1 1 1 1 7 6
400's 1 3 5 7 3
500's 1 1 2 4
600's 1 2 1 4
700's 2 2 1 8
800's 1 1 2 6
900's 2 5
1000's 1 2

> > (so far)
> So a "best of the best" would be 12 Oracularities, none of which would come from digests newer than 499. Obviously we don't write 'em like they used to. :-)

You appear to have two more fingers than me. My point was that earlier incarnations benefited and suffered at the extremes of the spectrum from the then lower number of voters, as opposed to their being intrinsically both lamer and brillianter than us.

Perhaps a better way to look at "Best Evers" is to split digests into Paleo- (#100-#499), Meso- (#500-#899) and Neo-Oracular (#900-#1299) Eras. The all-time top 10 for the first two eras would look like this:

ORACULAR TOP 10 (#100-#499)
---------------------------
1. Digest #102, Question 6 (4.9)
> What is the FREQUENCY?
} Sixty hertz if you're in America.
} Fifty hertz if you're in England.

2. Digest #135, Question 8 (4.6)
> Oh mighty and masterful all-knowing one, tell me this
} Of course there is magic. There is magic in a warm summer's day. There
} is magic in a child's smile. Enjoy the magic that is all around you

3. Digest #202, Question 6 (4.6)
> Hey Oracle! You gave me a shitty answer! Take This!
} Thank you for your prompt payment.

4. Digest #353, Question 3 (4.6)
> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze,
} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.

5. Digest #365, Question 10 (4.6)
> Oh great Oracle whos keyboard never has crumbs,
> Will the USA ever go metric?
} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States
} measurement challenge once and for all.

6. Digest #175, Question 10 (4.5)
> Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when
> exposed in any manner to a computer?
} In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation...

7. Digest #176, Question 2 (4.5)
> What has been done in america to help the iranian earthquake victims?
} Americans have taken over the responsibility of burning their flag,
} which should free up about a dozen Iranians to help dig out the

8. Digest #293, Question 3 (4.5)
> What did the Tibetian monk say to the hot dog vendor?
} The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred
} one block south of Times Square in July 1988.

9. Digest #340, Question 10 (4.5)
> When, where, how, why, and what?
} Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise.

10. Digest #460, Question 5 (4.5)
> Oh might and great Oracle who can find pleasurable uses even for an IBM
> PC (old 4.77 mhz version) who's zit juice (where you to have zits that
} In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the
} earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the

(#102-6 was a freak result caused by only ca 10 people voting, I gather. For my money, the real classics are #135-8, #365-10 and #293-3, but I'm not doctrinaire about it.)

ORACULAR TOP 10 (#500-#899)
---------------------------
1. Digest #516, Question 5 (4.3)
> what is it?
} Well, the obvious answer is that "it" is a pronoun (more specifically,
} a neuter pronoun of the third person singular). But since you've gone

2. Digest #602, Question 8 (4.3)
> Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do?
} Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it
} to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state

3. Digest #742, Question 7 (4.3)
> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me
} Hmmm... this will take a little research.

4. Digest #771, Question 4 (4.3)
> win95
} lose$95

5. Digest #840, Question 5 (4.3)
> programs/spam/questionspam> qspam
} <deep breath in>

6. Digest #500, Question 10 (4.2)
> ** TIME PARADOX TURBO E-MAIL **
} Egads. There's only one thing to do: clone a Schwarzenegger simulacrum
} and teleport my consciousness into it. With Arnold's brawn and my

7. Digest #624, Question 10 (4.2)
> Are there any good card games one can play with business cards? Or,
> more specifically, are there any solitaire games one can play with
} My forthcoming THE USENET ORACLE'S BIG BOOK OF BUSINESS CARD GAMES
} contains many more multiplayer than solitaire games. Of course

8. Digest #638, Question 8 (4.2)
> Oracle,
} AVISO: !El prisionero T. Usenet Oracle no se permite recibir
} correo electronico! Usted puede escribirlo a la dirrecion:

9. Digest #705, Question 9 (4.2)
> Oh most wise and powerful Oracle, who often has lunch with Yahweh in
> order to laugh at him when the old dribble glass trick works:
} Hmmm.... a most worthy question.

10. Digest #783, Question 10 (4.2)
> Oh wise and wonderful oracle tell me:
} A comparison between the rest of the world and Australia:

11. Digest #834, Question 10 (4.2)
> Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words,
> always-in-the-right-place-at-the-right-time Oracle:
} WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

(Okay, so I grew an additional finger too there)

There are clear advantages to this scheme. It leaves hope for future generations, it captures the Mexican Spring Break answer without which no "Best Ever" collection could hope be credible and, most important of all, it means I get to appear in two separate all-time top 10 lists (it's worth doing for this reason alone, Shirley).

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---Donning anorak, leaping onto hobby horse--
--*-----*--*----*----*-and galloping off in all directions at once-


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Worst Of The Us^H^HInternet Oracle, 100-1000
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: 4 Mar 1999 04:51:36 GMT

In article <920396296snz.molerat.demon.co.uk>, Richard Wilson wrote:
>Perhaps a better way to look at "Best Evers" is to split digests into Paleo- (#100-#499), Meso- (#500-#899) and Neo-Oracular (#900-#1299) Eras. The all-time top 10 for the first two eras would look like this:

Richard,
Do you by any chance have some horribly onerous task that you're trying to avoid doing?
Just curious. I will, of course, be tracking down all of those answers.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanna see something new :)
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Tue, 09 Mar 99 17:00:50 GMT

molly_devonshire.warmmail.plus.plus.com "Molly Devonshire" writes:
> Top 10 Typical Female Problems

Curious... I would have said the numero uno typical female problem was getting one of them to sleep with you.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*--What, you mean that isn't typical? It's just me? Bummer--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanna see something new :)
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 07:29:07 -0600

Henriette Kress wrote:
> Al Sharka
> >Malcolm Pack wrote:
> >> Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> >> > > Top 10 Typical Female Problems
> >> > Curious... I would have said the numero uno typical female problem was getting one of them to sleep with you.
> >> No, no, that's not the problem. Getting one of them to *stay awake* is the problem. <sob>
> >No, no, that's not the problem. Getting one of them to let *me* go to sleep afterwards is the problem. (zzzzz)
> ... you guys sure have problems.

Yup. All my childhood, my mother would euphemistically refer to "female problems". Now I know what she meant. But I didn't know that men could have them too.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanna see something new :)
From: edc81u4.newsguy.com (Jonas Whitespore)
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 06:45:25 GMT

Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu.STOPSPAM> wrote:
>Does it take longer for women to get married than for men?

Potentially. There's so many things to plan, arrange and pick out after all.
Anyway, here's an interesting corollary:

My brother once postulated that there is a perfect match for everyone. But, since there are slightly fewer women than men, statistically speaking it's slightly more likely that any given man will find his perfect mate. It would thus be entirely possible for a man to meet his perfect match, fall in love, marry her, have kids and all that but she would never even know who he was.

"So you might as well just shoot yourself now."
Ed Chauvin IV


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanna see something new :)
From: bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Matt Kerbel)
Date: 29 Mar 1999 16:46:31 GMT

Screwtape (st.ferd2.thristian.org) writes:
> Yip - me too. Speaking fully-fledged English sentences before I was two. And correcting my parents' grammar.

Observation #1: Wow, yer great-grammar was still alive when you wuz borned? Musta bin cool... why'd she need to be corrected?
Observation #2: Wow, yer parents both got the same grammar? Yer one o' *those* families, huh? Ain't no wonder the Ozarks start with Oz. *grin*

Disclaimer: Any opinions regarding peoples from various parts of the world implied in the above have been utilized for entertainment purposes only, and do not reflect the views of the poster. Thank you, you may return to your regularly scheduled newsfroup.

--Matt "was the disclaimer too much?" Kerbel


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: more info
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 99 21:21:56 GMT

asharka.my-dejanews.com "Al Sharka" writes:
> clangers.iname.com wrote:

I remember you! The soup dragon was my favourite, though.

> > Hi all u programmers , i need some info about what Oracle is ....
^
I thought the WHO said it had eradicated the B1ff meme?

> > what is comparable to oracle ?
> There are no equals; The Oracle is incomparable. Do you see any Internet Sybase? Nor is there an Internet Informix or Internet RedBrick. Quality shows.

Agreed. Zeus Ammon hasn't even got a Website.

> > what's watcom sql ?
> A small subset of the interactive query language used in composing questions to the Oracle. It mostly consists of questions that start with "what" or "how come". These typically require minimal resources to execute, and the Oracle doesn't spend a lot of effort on them.

Don't listen to him, Clangers - he's just trying to blind you with jargon. The correct answer is: a losing hand at Scrabble.

> > Any info would be helpful , trying to write up some work for school ....

So that's why my academic career never really took off.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*--Do that swanee whistle noise you do again--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A tribute on this auspicious day, to one who's left and gone away.
From: "Mike Jewell" <mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 23:39:42 -0000

Screwtape wrote in message ...
>Stuff written by Mike Jewell:
>>Gregory Lindsey wrote in message ...
>>>E McCann (emccann.iag.net) wrote :
>>>> On Fri, 5 Mar 1999, Michael G. Thompson wrote:
>>>> > Ken Harlan wrote:
>>>>> > glindsey.SPAMMENOT.students.uiuc.edu (Gregory Lindsey) wrote:
>>>>> > > (jevan093.aix1.uottawa.ca) uttered the infamous words:
>>>>> > > > Al Sharka (asharka.my-dejanews.com) incautiously remarked:
>>>>> > > > : Today:

>>>>> > > > : I will not paint my house with puce
>>>>> > > > : Nor waste my time on Monty's "Bruce".

>>>>> > > > : But spend instead my time and muse
>>>>> > > > : On Horton, Mayzie, Thidwick Moose.

>>>>> > > > : The Lorax, Sneeches, Zax, and Daves,
>>>>> > > > : McElligot's Pool, were all my faves.

>>>>> > > > : The books that stopped my feelings dour
>>>>> > > > : Fox in Sox, and The Grinch, how sour

>>>>> > > > : The Butter Battle, a tale of two powers
>>>>> > > > : The Places You'll Go kept me thinking for hours.

>>>>> > > > : Oh say can you say, or hear a small Who
>>>>> > > > : I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew.

>>>>> > > > : The pale green pants that were afraid
>>>>> > > > : Oh say can you say, the best ever made.

>>>>> > > > : If I ran the Circus, If I ran the Zoo
>>>>> > > > : Oh the thinks you can think, and it's all true.

>>>>> > > > : And cats in hats, and stilts for kings
>>>>> > > > : my childhood stories, my favorite things.

>>>>> > >> : And squeezing too many syllables into a line
>>>>> > >> : His meter still would come out fine.

>>>>> > >> : I loved them all, in fact, I still do
>>>>> > >> : And so Dr. Seuss, Happy birthday to you!

>>>>> > >> Ho! Wot? Now here's a cascade
>>>>> > >> A metrical game for the whole rhod parade!

>>>>> > >> Posting in couplets and meters and rhyme
>>>>> > >> Good show, Al! Now I've run out of time.

>>>>> > >> JIM

>>>>> > >Unfortunately, I'm off to my bed
>>>>> > >While visions of Karnaugh maps dance in my head!

>>>>> > >I have an exam, tomorrow -- a fright
>>>>> > >But I will return, so I bid you good night!

>>>>> > Here I am stuck at work
>>>>> > I think I might just delurk.

>>>>> > And add a line to this cascade
>>>>> > To see who adds to the parade.

>>>>> And to the land of RHOD came
>>>>> a guy named Mike scanning for his name.

>>>>> Seeing straight lines everywhere,
>>>>> with a w**dch*ck, combed his hair.

>>>> Being used such, this poor critter
>>>> Turned quite spiteful, turned quite bitter.

>>>> Deciding then there was no God
>>>> This poor 'chuck then prayed to RHOD.

>>>But no, alas, it had no luck
>>>For RHOD just hates the damned w**dch*ck

>>>And with a ZAP -- no wait, a ZOT --
>>>The rodent was now sizzling hot.

>>Huzzah! Yippee! Woohoo! Hooray!
>>We've learned to cook /another/ way!

>>(And if you thought that verse was bad,
>>Just wait for the next post, my lad!)

>I regret the implication that
>this post is terrible and bad.

>I'd like to know just how you knew
>the worst reply would follow soon?

A psychic can get sea-sick if the sea-saw isn't swinging,
And the cynic can greet Sussex with the sound of seagulls singing,
But the petulant parameters that persuasively start pinging
Let lurkers like the look of all the lyrics that are winging!

So when you greet the grateful great who grudgingly implore
That you tell them all the titilating 'trocitities in store,
Just jettison the jelly and the jello on the floor,
And pity the poor poster who has posted what is poor!

And so with Seuss and Zeus and Clueso making certain that I do-so,
And Captain Baker (What a faker!) cheating grimly at the Cluedo,
I leave you to the friendly thread of thriving innuendo,
And promptly press the program's 'posting picture' pretty pronto!

BFN,
/\/\ike 'Whew' Jewell


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A tribute on this auspicious day, to one who's left and gone away.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-dejanews.com>
Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 20:55:32 -0600

On Thu, 11 Mar 1999, Mike Jewell wrote:
> A psychic can get sea-sick if the sea-saw isn't swinging,

a snipper snips the snappy swinging answer to his snoring
and slowly realizes that some soul searching is slowing

For here on rhod, the people care in making rhyme quite earthy
And competition notwithstanding <kowtows> I'm not worthy.
</kowtows>

Nice job /\/\ike.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A tribute on this auspicious day, to one who's left and gone away.
From: Barry O'Neill <londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 12:16:22 GMT

Jim Evans wrote:
> On Thu, 11 Mar 1999, Mike Jewell wrote:
> [i would not snip it with vi, i would not snip it my oh my]
> [but i did anyway]
> > And so with Seuss and Zeus and Clueso making certain that I do-so,
> > And Captain Baker (What a faker!) cheating grimly at the Cluedo,
> > I leave you to the friendly thread of thriving innuendo,
> > And promptly press the program's 'posting picture' pretty pronto!
> Wow.
> Sorry, Barry, but I have a new Rhod poetry hero.

Fickleness, thy name is JIM. You'll probably buy Windoze 2000.

regards,

Barry


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A tribute on this auspicious day, to one who's left and gone away.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 22:31:46 -0500

On Fri, 12 Mar 1999, Mike Jewell wrote:
> >Sorry, Barry, but I have a new Rhod poetry hero.
> [Should I be worried? :o]

Nah. It's been at least a year since any of my heroes felt the need to press charges.

JIM, not likely to be going through /\/\ike's trash


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A tribute on this auspicious day, to one who's left and gone away.
From: "Mike Jewell" <mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 23:33:36 -0000

Henriette Kress wrote
>Nils Desle wrote:
> >Malcolm Pack wrote:
> >> Also Sprach Barry O'Neill:
> >> > Mike Jewell:
> >> >> Barry O'Neill:
> >> > >>Al Sharka:
> >> > >>> Kimberly Chapman:
> >> > >>> > <mode=PrincessBridepitch>
> >> > >>> > Now stop that rhyming. I mean it!
> >> > >>> Does anybody want a peanut?

> >> > >>A peanut in a packet, or a peanut in a shell?
> >> > >>'Cause once we start cascading, this thread will go to hell.
> >> > >>The cascade cops will catch you, and you don't want that, believe me.
> >> > >>They'll slap you up and lock you up, in gaol - with no Semprini.

> >> > > "My God!" he cried, "I cannot live! I need my favourite dish!"
> >> > > And so came on a RHODeron replete with bright red fish.
> >> > > The piercings shone, while KaCee won the games in APK,
> >> > > But /\/\ike is back - so let's not slack while 'PrincessBride's' away!

> >> > Alas m'lud, he did not heed my cascade netcop warning.
> >> > And now he sits, a wretched case, awaiting trial this morning.
> >> > "Let all the world behold this scum, this rhodite cascade dueller.
> >> > I sentence you to thirty days. In DMP's beach cooler."

> >> "I must protest, m'lud," he cries. "That sentence is a crime!"
> >> The judge replies "Tough shit, my lad, you'll have to serve your time."
> >> "Tough shit? Tough shit? You utter git, you know that's just not true.
> >> "I'll have to spend the next month in a box of floppy poo!"

> >> The wailing falls on deaf ears as the perp is cuffed and dragged
> >> To a secret place in Texas where, with duct tape bound and gagged,
> >> He is flung into the cooler, all alone with just the crap.
> >> That'll teach him to ignore the Cascade Netcop's Warning Rap.

> >Some seconds should be spent on feeling sorry for the sucker
> >now someone's gonna groan because I do not even know 'er!
> >ow, ow, ow, stop hitting me with that oversized semprini
> >I'm gonna tell the Oracle that you're just a big bad meanie

> >this kind of rhyme is really fun and not that hard to do
> >I tipped a cow just yesterday and all it said was moo
> >moo, do, voodoo, you do, we do, next we rhyme with Fred
> >this thing is getting really silly, let's just go to bed

>The sentence was too harsh by far when thinking of the crime
>this cascade has been funnier by far than any mime
>The judge and jury are on trial now, see how they run
>and see, the cascade cop is in it also - lots of fun!

Let's recap on the current state of play within our poem
And find out where the fined-out little blighter is now going!
A pile of poo? An inquest too? Let's add a little foreplay
To brighten up the otherwise quite innocent rhyme foray!

As to the bar walked Miss B Spears, her skirt - nay belt - aflutter
The jury hushed, the foreman blushed, the judge began to mutter!
Our hero turned, and soon he learned from whence the noise did rise
The fighting fish, the little twits, had latched on to her thighs!

The clamour rose up to a peak, our hero had a thought
That if he dashed while Miss Spears flashed he'd prob'ly not get caught!
He ducked down low, weaved to and fro, amidst the flocking crowd
A pole vault quick - a lucky trick (he was quite well endowed).

And so he ran out on the street of little Cascadeville
Where poetry stooding waiting for the R H O Devil!
The rhyme did rise, the metre mocked, as he did take his pose,
And from the depths a tiny voice did quietly interpose:

BFN,
/\/\ike


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Echo...
From: Barry O'Neill <londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Tue, 16 Mar 1999 13:21:17 +0000

LucFrench wrote:
> [Note that I'm posting this purely as a test, due to an empty news spool.]

I'll bet your killfile is absolutely bursting at the seams, though.

regards,
Barry


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1083
From: Barry O'Neill
Date: around Wed, 24 Mar 1999

Malcolm Pack wrote:
> Also Sprach Barry O'Neill:
> > There was a young man named Matt
> > Whose name rhymed with cat, sat and hat
> > Which was handy for limericks
> > And poem-like gimmicks
> > Because few English words rhyme with Kerbel

> There once was a RHODent called Kerbel
> Who fell madly in love with a gerbil.
> "Though we never talk much
> There's no problem as such.
> Our relationship's rectal, not verbal."

Expect retaliation from the Bitch Queen Demon Gerbil...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Yay me.
From: "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com>
Date: Sun, 28 Mar 1999 01:06:26 GMT

Carla Miriam Levy wrote in message ...
>Well, no, it doesn't. See, the scholarship means I won't have to sell my soul to repay $150,000 of student debt. So I don't *have* to be a lawyer.

Wow, you could get that much for your soul? Geez, the devil only offered me a nice pen and a bit of pocket lint.

-- Kimberly "but that's probably because we're related... >:)" Chapman



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