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1999 11 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 07:59:03 GMT

"tim wren" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.uk.nospam> wrote:
>Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote...
>> Jim Evans wrote:
>> > Jason Willoughby wrote:
>> >}Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> wrote:
>> >}> [1] You have Sodomy Statues, we have Erectoral Axe.
>> >}I've seen that statue! It's in Key West...
>> >I like it! I'd like to nominate that for the New In-Joke of The Week.
>> YM "In-Joke of The Weak". HTH HAND.
>I thought the whole idea of these endlessly recycled in-jokes was that they're as weak as watered-down Merkin lite beer.
>Tim "or anyone else's light beer" Wren

Look, somebody's gotta piss in the vat on occasion, otherwise how do you get the stuff yellow?

(unfortunately, *that* statue is in Brussels and explains their beer...)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 20:34:53 GMT

Donald Welsh wrote:
> cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
>>Anyway, this past weekend, we went through our annual autumnal silliness of setting our clocks back one hour which supposedly somehow Saves Daylight.

Actually daylight savings time is in the summer, we're now in daylight wasting time in the USA. You don't hear much about how this scheme was started anymore. Once upon a time we got over 22 hours of sunlight a day in the USA in summer, but none at all in winter. People didn't like it much this way. It led to a large "black market" (so called because it only operated in winter, when it was dark outside) for daylight. People would buy a bit of illicit daylight and use it in their backyards, giving them a few fleeting minutes of winter daylight. Soon the mafia ran the entire black market for daylight.

In response to this, the federal government developed the Strategic Daylight Reserve. During the summer, the DSR shortens the day, and deposits the extra daylight in underground bunkers around the nation. Then in winter the daylight is gradually released, bit by bit.

>And fades the curtains, according to some in Queensland.
>>(Do people in other countries have to do this dumb stuff?)

*groan* Yes, stupidity about the time of day is not limited to the USA. I live in a relatively-sane area but have had to deal with many others lately (more below).

>Indeedily-doodily. You'd think the Great South Land would at least get it all over with at once. Instead, different states change clocks on different days, so there are about four stages of interstate confusion about time.
>Apparently Sydney will be changing the time especially for the benefit of visitors to the Olympics. That is, natives will have to change their clocks early (or late, I forget) so the tourists won't have to.

Bastards!

>Have you heard that Tonga is going on to daylight savings early so it can be the first nation to see Jan. 1, 2000?

Idiots!

[I have been porting BSD's timezone code to a rather different architecture recently, and have come to the conclusion that people take the time of day FAR too seriously. At last check, there are something like 530 different timezone choices represented in this system. Indiana in particular has four, which must be Zadoc's fault.]

[Hmm, maybe it's time for a Zadocularity about how he caused an area so small to have more time zones than China...]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Mon, 08 Nov 1999 01:52:00 GMT

Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> wrote:
>Kevin Kelley wrote:
>> brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) said:
>> > Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>> > >Hmm. Does this mean... I am Cyn's cat? That would explain some of the strange dreams I've been having, and my weird desire to chase mice.
>> > And sniff cat butts.
>> Yeah... but it's not all bad; in fact being flexible enough to lick pretty much wherever you want is kind of a benefit. And that raspy tongue is definitely cool.
>> Kevin "may not be posting as much in future" Kelley
><exasperated> Naughty kitty! It's bad enough that you've taken to cleaning yourself 23 hours a day, but my company does not want to be welcomed by *that*! Put it away right now! </exasperated>
>Muzzle? Tough!

You know this is exactly why they make Super Soakers (or as I like to call them "Kitty Remotes") The only drawback is the fact that occasionally the cat decides to become a super soaker himself....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.usage.english.neologism
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 16:10:48 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>tim wren schrieb:
>>> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) writes:
>>> > I think you'll find the operative word is "glark", and it's in the Jargon File. (http://www.tuxedo.org/jargon)
>>What with all that thread over there ----> discussing dictionaries, and that one over thisaway <---- degenerating into silly words, some of which may be real, I've crossed this to AUEN for the following additional reasons:
>>1. AUEN is moribund
>>2. the three lurkers there would just *love* that URL
>>3. it's in compliance with the RHOD FAQ
>>4. there might be some more Daniels there
>English neologisms, eh?
>Heh. I saw the new OED has a Request For Words going at the moment, as part of the All-New Revision that they're doing (www.oed.com). I thought of sending them a link to the Jargon file, but they want submissions for *individual* words, with pages of references from print journals and the like. *sigh*

So I take it running a bunch of ads in the local newspaper, free-trader, and such would probably not constitute "publishing" to those guys. (and there's no way in hell they'd allow web publishing. dang, they are no fun at all....)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 19:15:59 -0500

Kevin Kelley wrote:
}Kevin "I wrote a riddle-based game once but the only riddles I could remember for it were from LOTR" Kelley

Pick up "The Exeter Book" - a book of Anglo-Saxon riddles in verse form.
One of my own:

It's tinny voice screams when it wants to talk to me.
When I want to talk to it, I poke my fingers in its eyes and twist its face.

JIM

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Lemme guess: a "Back Street Boys" CD?
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
All I can think of is a rotary-dial mobile phone.
No, I'm not under chemical influence - why do you ask?
.
From: Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net>
Please choose of one the following options:
a) You are still using a rotary phone.
b) You are having entirely demented relations with a Mr. Potatohead.
c) You are experiencing a weird psychic connection with a can of pop.
d) You are realizing that there is no number d.
e) All of the above.
f) None of the above. (Sign off option--Will end quiz)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 13:42:35 +1100

Jim Evans schrieb:
> Screwtape wrote:
>}All I can think of is a rotary-dial mobile phone.
>Good call!

I didn't want to give a phony answer.

>Ten rhod-points for Screwtape.

Which are inexchangable for afda-points, right? Even though they are just afda-points with "afda" crossed out and "rhod" written on in crayon?

> JIM, not redeemable for lemon-saoked paper napkins, I'm afraid

That's OK. I'm saving up for an improbability drive.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 20:25:07 +1000

Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> wrote:
> Screwtape wrote:
> > Kevin Kelley schrieb:
> > >Kevin "at least Jane lets me wear her thongs" Kelley
> > Damn the language barrier!
> > Screwtape,
> > Who tends to wear thongs all through summer.
> Oooh, I am DEFINITELY going to Australia!
> Cyn "And I'm gonna hang out at the beach all day." Grant

Well if you want to visit the beach that's fine. I sort of wonder though if that's not a bit of an overkill in the thong viewing department, though. You can see men in thongs any time you like without going too far from home, here in Godsown. On weekends in the suburbs, there are guys in thongs mowing the lawn, washing the car, drinking a coldie by the pool, cooking on the barbie and all manner of things. I wear mine every afternoon walking the dog in the park, and I wear them to the office when things are quiet. I wear them whenever I go to the pub in daylight, and to football matches. I just like the feeling of freedom and comfort my thongs give me.

--
GW DE Lacey.
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel learnt very early to fetch my thongs as a signal that a walk was about to happen.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 02:57:47 +1000

Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> wrote:
> GW De Lacey wrote:
> > You can see men in thongs any time you like without going too far from home, here in Godsown.
> I always thought it was "Godzone".

OK, if you insist.

> > On weekends in the suburbs, there are guys in thongs mowing the lawn, washing the car, drinking a coldie by the pool,
> I don't want to know what you guys do with collies when you pool.
> GIF!
> GIF!
> GIF!
> GIF!

Well OK, but its a bit of bother really. I have to buy some film, that part's OK, but then I have to find someone to take the photo. That person will look at me strangely when I explain that its for some one on the internet, and will then tell everyone about my weird friends who want pictures of me in my thongs. Can I interest you in something more interesting, like a photo of my car? Its a Cherokee, the only one in the street.

> That's it! I've found my land of liberty. I am MOVING to Australia!
> Wait a minute! You're teasing me, aren't you? I bet you'd go and do something nasty like cover them up so that no one can see them.

Quite the contrary. Our family was quite poor when I was a kid, and my parents could only afford one set of thongs among three of us. The local movie theatre was semi-open air, with a lattice wall. The theatre owner insisted that patrons wear, at the very least, thongs, in order to go inside. The usual strategy was for the first brother to wear the thongs into the theatre, then take them off and hand them through the lattice to the other brother, and so on until we were all inside.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Corran Webster <corranw.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 03:08:14 GMT

"GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com> wrote:
[much snipping of thongs]

My fellow Australians, I have a sad and sorry confession to make. Once I was, like you, a happy and contented thong-wearer: at the beach, around the house on lazy summer days, when out in the garden (although never when mowing the lawn), or going shopping down at the local shopping centre.

And then I moved to California. Now California is a society which is very relaxed and informal, but despite what you may have gathered from shows like "Baywatch", they frown upon the wearing of thongs except in the most informal and intimate of occasions. I couldn't teach classes at UCLA wearing thongs, for example, or go shopping wearing them. That sort of thing Just Isn't Done. Oh, you might get away with wearing them while driving on the freeway, but as soon as you stopped and got out, people would stare at you.

Slowly and surely, I became, like, totally encultured in the Californian way. Never wearing less than shorts, T-shirts and sneakers, even on the hottest of days; and eventually it just seemed normal.

And yet, I missed the free and easy feeling of thongs, particularly on the hottest days of summer, when you want to wear as little as possible.

And it was then that I went and did that unspeakable act. I thought it would give me back the freedom that I had lost, but in a way that would be acceptable to the culture I had found myself transplanted into. But instead of giving me that freedom, it marked me as irrevocably part of Californian culture - just another Technogeek working away under the Southern Californian sky.

I bought a pair of Tevas.

That's right, "sports sandals".

Is there any way I can be forgiven? Is there any amount of vegemite I could eat that would return me to those innocent, thong-wearing days, and give me back my place in the culture of my youth?

Please be gentle on me. It was the foolishness of youth.

Corran
(who has snuck over the border into Nevada. Not that you'd really notice the difference, though)

From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
I've worn thongs in the snow.
.
From: "tim wren" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.uk.nospam>
I've thung thongs in the thnow.
.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Bleah. I don't like thongs. They feel oogy, and I don't like the noise they make when you walk.
JIM, picturing Cyn's face about now...
.
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Yeah, that "squick squick squick" sound is revolting.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 12:04:55 +1100

Corran Webster wrote:
> [much snipping of thongs]
> Oh, you might get away with wearing them while driving on the freeway, but as soon as you stopped and got out, people would stare at you.

I always take mine off when I'm driving, for safety reasons. What if it got caught on the accelerator?

Ian.

From: Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net>
You'd be floored!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 20:50:07 -0500

Jason Willoughby wrote:
}Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
}> The Original In-Joke? What *is* The Original In-Joke? Or, more specifically, which injoke has the greatest antiquity?
}One of the on-topic ones, Shirley. Lisa, woodchucks, or the zot, but probably Lisa. Any of the priests/old-timers know which came first?

I'm neither a priest nor an old-timer, but some Time Well Spent with the Oracle Search Engine [1] has yielded the answers.

I'll be a bastard and keep you in suspense. In reverse order: (appearances are as of 1122)

  • The Bright Red Siamese Fighting Fishies
    about a dozen or so mentions
    First appearance: 934-5
  • Zadoc
    302 mentions
    First appearance in the digests: 750-8, although Richard "Molerat" Wilson had written three previous undigested Oracularities featuring Our Favorite Worm. Richard could probably supply an exact date.
  • Lemurs
    39 mentions
    First appearance: technically 70-3, but the first Joel Furr-inspired, frinking lemur appeared in 536-5, which is also part of the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ. JF himself appeared for the first time in the very next digest.
  • Og
    125 mentions (roughly, this may include some hits for "og" as a nonsense or foreign word not related to the Neanderthal that I didn't bother weeding out)
    First appearance: casually mentioned as the Prototypical Caveman in 280-6, but the Og we all know and love didn't show up until 959-8.
  • The ZOT
    910 mentions
    First appearance: 209-8. I also looked for a few other Zot-like words, ie. "Zap", "Ka-Zot", but Orrie never used one of these in place of ZOT first. It's always been ZOT.

And now, the truly ancients...

  • Lisa
    1133 mentions, clocking in as the Oracularities Most Overused In-Joke
    First appearance: firstly, apparently some group (probably one of the alt.sex groups?) created/elected someone as net.sex.goddess. It's interesting that maybe there's a real Lisa somewhere. Probably soon after, the groupies started spodding the Oracle with Lisa questions.
    The first digested one is 32-10, but it's clear the incarnation wasn't in on the joke. She next appeared twice in 35, 35-4 and 35-5. Both those incarnations were more clueful. Her third appearance wasn't til 80-2, where she was first used as Orrie's girlfriend. This role was pretty well established by the 200's. It's interesting to see how, over the digests, she evolved from some kind of "super slut" to the more sedate yet still slinky significant other we know today.
  • Woodchucks
    476 mentions, not nearly as many as I suspected
    First appearance: 19-10. Yes, the woodchuck is The Original In-Joke (I'm not at all surprised). The prophetic response was, "The question is moot." By their second appearance in 23-7, Orrie was already complaining about having to answer this question. The next appearnce was 82-6, and by the mid-100's it was an In Joke.

JIM, ... in bed.

[1] http://www2.wmin.ac.uk/clemenr/ORACLE/search.html


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 07 Nov 1999 16:44:07 GMT

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>This one certainly came from RHOD first, and probably dates back to Paul's first post. (BTW Paul, there is now a brSff in Maple Ridge named Paul)
>Fascinating. Actually, I didn't start including the brSff in my .sig until I had been spod^H^H^H^Hposting here for at least a few weeks. It was merely the first .sig I had that got me any attention. I have been gratified by all the fish oracularities, but my favorite mention was the one that was a takeoff on "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" or something like that, and I was referred to as the "perverted Uncle Paul who talked incessantly about fish." Or something like that. I can't find it using Ross's search engine, but I know it's out there somewhere.

Found it! 963-05, and a response to a null question. It was called "Thought and Thanklessness," and here is the passage to which I was referring:

} Alyce sighed. Her sisters had so little sense. It was true that Mark Lawrence was a rich man, well respected in society--(even in the City!)--but was chance was there that he should marry such girls as the Altons, who, though living in the grand estate of Spithead, could not inherit it, as it was entailed away to the nearest male relative, who happened to be their despicable cousin Paul, who sat about all day babbling unintelligently about fish.

And I was wrong, I'm not a perverted uncle, just a despicable cousin. Beautiful answer, but it only got a 3.2. I never have liked the democratic nature of the scoring system.

Love,

Your despicable cousin,

--
Paul, whose daughter's soon-to-be world famous ornamental horned
frog has, proportionate to its body size, the largest mouth on the planet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 23:37:52 -0600

Paul wrote:
} And I was wrong, I'm not a perverted uncle, just a despicable cousin. Beautiful answer, but it only got a 3.2. I never have liked the democratic nature of the scoring system.
} Love,
} Your despicable cousin,

My dear Cousin Kelltweeze,

I see that you have at last gotten into the "spirit" of the discussion at hand. Late is better than never, I suppose, and while what you have penned here is not entirely without merit for a first try, you might try something a little less dry for your material. Politics is indeed a useful tool to control the beasts, however, getting them too riled often results in their premature end. Our Father Below wants them delivered to him, not given a last opportunity to plead for their release while lying bleeding in the dirt. Unfortunately, all too many manage to escape in their last moments if given time to repent.

I also deplore your use of the closing salutation. Since what we say is a reversed reflection of what is actually meant to mask our true intentions from Infernal Affairs, you must sign your messages with an "uplifting" adjective, which of course is the opposite of what you truly mean.

Your admiring Cousin,
Sharku


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 00:41:55 GMT

Screwtape wrote:
>Kevin Kelley schrieb:
>>tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) said:
>>> Kevin Kelley wrote:
>>> >Kevin "messiah simplex" Kelley
>>> Is that anything like herpes simplex?
>>Yes, with the difference that instead of being nailed to that physician's staff thing[1] I'm nailed to a cross.
>>[1] what's the word for that anyway?
>Caduceus?

Gesundheit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ¹ýÃôÐÔ±ÇÑ×»¼Õߵĸ£Òô
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 21:43:13 -0600

GW De Lacey wrote:
} From: tjbyt <byt99.btamail.net.cn>
} > This product is drawed out from the wild natural plant in china. It has the function of ventilate and smooth the troubled lungs and make a obstructed breath, dispel the exogenous facter of wind and cold, adjust the function of immunity, improve the hypersensitive physique. Putting this plaster on one or several regular location of one's body, the user's physigue could be strengten and function of immunity be adjusted, the symptoms like sneezing. rhinorrhea, nasal obstruction. itching of the eyes, dry couth, asthma caused by air pollution, another allergy, temperature change and so on could be removed.
} > welcome to our website:
} > http://www.xaxanx.com/english/byt.htm
} Cures coughs, colds, sore a**holes and pimples on the dickie. Remember the Jinglish instruction manuals ('do not throw down from great heights')? Now we have Chinglish spam. Ah the wonders of progress.

Oh, but is it really spam? I can tell you, if I was suffering from diarrhea like a rhinocerous, I'd prolly be glad of the opportunity to purchase a cure. Applying it per the above instructions to the troubled area, and getting it to stay put long enough to be effective might be problematic though.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
If I were suffering from diarrhea like a rhinoceros, I think it'd be problematic finding an area that *wasn't* affected.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will stick to the one or two monkeys throwing the occasional feces, TYVM

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: BQDG'liest of BQDG's (was AIR Ig Nobel prizes)
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Nov 1999 04:40:20 GMT

Kimberly Chapman <kacee.outer-net.com> said:
>Cici in Texas wrote:
>> Fern-Seed wrote:
>><snip>
>>>Ow! (Stop that Kim. *ahem* I mean, O' BQDG'liest of BQDG's.)
>>>Hey, speaking of whom, she should be back anytime soon.[1] She's doing fine and healing nicely...er...quickly. (She'd have *my* butt for associating her nome d.p. with the word "nice".)
>>What would Kim want with your butt? Is somebody running a special or something?
>I have plenty of my own ass, thanks. I'd like to shrink that, not acquire more.

I wouldn't mind a piece!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies haven't been slapped in quite some time


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 09:46:42 +0000

Also Sprach Al:
> > Okay, now that you have my goat, what do you intend to do with it?
> <Malc>
> GUSSETT!
> </Malc>

Thanks, Al. I've only just got there, so you saved me looking red-faced.

Actually, under the circumstances, I'm still red-faced, but for different reasons.

Does anyone else have a cat for whom the ultimate pleasure-trip is having its ears mungled by the insertion of a finger into each one simultaneously and twiddled with vigour? I have a mental picture that one day I'll be able to insert an index finger each side, pick him up, and do a twirly "Wheeeeee!!!" type thing. Unfortunately that is so difficult to describe on paper that I have no doubt that I'm alone in that particular think.

From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
The biggest problem is the tail wacking you in the face, but the purring is deafening.
.
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Actually I think we owe it to our pets to humor such bizarre tendancies. Look at the life of such an animal: "Get down! STAY! Stop that before I kill you!" And then we go and lop off their knackers. If I don't miss my guess, you've had this poor specimen's sex glands removed, and all its pleasure circuitry has been munged.

Aural sex is all that's left to it, and it's all your fault.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 18:56:49 -0500

Fern-Seed wrote:
[snip Hetta rhymin' and Cyn free-associatin']
}I'd like to close by simply saying, saying simply, that I believe you will hamper your development of your ability to rhyme if you rely on rhyming dictionaries.

Ideally, of course, we'd all just carry an Ian Davis or a /\/\ike Jewell around with us, and use one of those.

JIM, I can't rhyme, don't ask me


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 7 Nov 1999 23:04:36 GMT

Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> said:
> brightredfish.mindspring.com wrote:
>> I don't believe you. "Venezuelan Beaver Cheese" is not in any copy of Roget's on the planet.
>Nor is Danish Bimbo.
>-Lars "Still looking..." Clausen

Duh...she's still here with me.

Roget, Sr.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 21:15:31 -0500

Lars Clausen wrote:
} dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu wrote:
}> Duh...she's still here with me.
}Well, tell her to get back into the thesaurus[1] at once.
}-Lars "Or to the cheeseshop" Clausen
}[1] One of the least terrifying of the dinosaurs, the most terrible assault it could perform was dropping on your head, hoping to knock you out.

It's not entirely unlike a drop-bear, then, isn't it?

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 20:54:36 +1000

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
> > Kevin Kelley wrote:
> > > Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
> [snippety]
> > > > Pray tell, what is a drop-bear?
> > > An ingredient in bear-drop soup?
> > I *don't* want to know where you buy your soup, man!
> Buy it? I make it straight from the source! Hmm, grizzly thought.
> > > Kevin "cue the aussikiwis" Kelley
> > And what, pray tell, do they have to do with it? Making their bears wear thongs as well, are they?
> I'm sure they'll be chiming in when the sun gets around to their side of the world. But since I'm such a nice guy and would never want to see someone being let out of an in-joke I'll give you the quick summary now.
> If I remember the story right, drop-bears are the reason for those funny hats they wear down unda... the hats are protection from the vicious little clawed and fanged bastards that lurk in trees and drop onto the heads of unsuspecting tourists.

From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
%%
Why do bears fall out of their lair
Every time you stand there?
Just like me, they long to eat
Kangarooooooo...
%%

Yes, thats quite correct.

They have poor eyesight, so Merkins wearing baseball caps are particularly at risk. In profile, they look to the myopic bears like kangaroos, their natural food source. The Gumit introduced the sickle-toothed stabadagah from South America to wipe out drop bears and thus save our tourist industry. The creatures escaped prematurely from quarantine. They succeeded in lowering the number of drop bears, but due to an unexpectedly high reproductive rate, they have now become pests in their own right. You see, Merkins wearing RayBans look like bears to sight impaired sickle-toothed stabadagahs.

From: Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net>
Has tourism dropped much since these tails have gotten up on the wire or what?
.
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
I shouldn't think so. Godsown don't have much going for it beyond the wildlife. You can get funny accents and beutiful beaches anywhere, but what other civilized area are you going to wake up to find a DIDDLY SPIDAH in bed with you? And if I have to go, I want to be disemboweled by a marsupial, just for the bizarre obituary.

You know, we've talked about food from Texas to Scandinavia, but I don't remember any Aussies or Kiwis joining in, and with all those critters they must have some interesting food. So, come on folks, spill 'em. What are y'all eating?

More Trivia: one of the first descriptions of the echidna came back to Europe with Captian Bligh, who described it as having a "delicate flavor"...

--
GW 'Or at least that's what I think I said' De Lacey


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 21:32:25 +1000

> What are y'all eating?

Sunday Bar-be-cue!

It starts about Thursday, with the male of the house chanting: 'Don't forget the steak, Luv. Make sure he whacks it extra hard with the tenderiser, the last lot was a bit tough.' Luv, always conscious of the value of a dollar buys the cheapest scrag ends and insists that the butcher put it through the tenderiser at least ten times. The result is something of the consistency of stringy mincemeat. This makes the male is very happy, and he lavishes praise on Luv for her ability to always buy the best there is.

The next step is the Saturday Marinade.

Ah, the mystique of the Marinade.

In its simplest form, the marinade is a mixture of vinegar, oil, and some herbs. The well beaten steak is stirred around in this mixture, then put lovingly in the fridge until Sunday Arvo. So what's so mystical about that? Well, I'll tell you that families have been torn apart, best friends have come to fisticuffs beside the pool, and suburban wars have started over Marinade. Successful Marinades are spoken of in a reverent manner for years, and perpetrators of poor (evil) Marinades have been ostracised from bar-be-cue circles for longer periods. Marinade recipes are kept under lock and key, and are handed to heirs via deathbeds.

Marinade is everything!

On any hot Sunday afternoon, a blue haze settles over the 'burbs. This signals the start of the main ceromony: the Charring of the Flesh. Large metal plates are heated to almost red heat, then the Marinade is loving removed from the fridge and placed on a table beside the heated plates. The tea towel used to keep the flies away is removed, and then ceremonial compliments are passed to the host on how good the mixture looks. The beaming host then dumps the mangled flesh onto the hot metal, accompanied by much chanting about the footy or cricket, or how the boss is a wanker. After a few minutes on the hot plate, each piece of flesh is reduced to something resembling a burnt wafer biscuit, and the host chants that the steak is cooked. Each guest takes a buttered bun, places some suspicious looking salad vegetables on it, and passes the hot area, where the host places the burnt offering on top of everything. He then stands back to reactive compliments.

From this one can deduce that a bar-be-cue is, in no way a culinary experience. It is more a competitive ritual designed to reinforce territorial claims and genetic superiority here in the suburbs. Much like anywhere else in the world.
--
GW De Lacey
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel prefers her steak... buried. And don't get her started on her favourite topic - witchetty grubs.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Deja Vu
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 8 Nov 1999 23:40:46 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
}Lars Clausen schrieb:
}>> "Qhythsontyd" (sp??).
}>Gesundheit.
}>Ok, you got me stunned. What the fsck does that mean? Looks vaguely Irish to me, with just a hint of Aztec. My, what a lovely^Winteresting^Wunspellable idea for a language.
}It's some middle or old English spelling of "Whitsunday".
}I believe, in "The Superior Person's Second Book of Words", it's listed as "The Killer Scrabble Word Of All Time".

The classic "The Superior Person's Book of Words" gives "Zzxjoanw" as the equivalent. Apparently it's a Maori drum. I've never met a Maori who could confirm or deny that. Or tell me how to pronounce it.

JIM

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Hey! I thought Scrabble only had one Z..
Screwtape,
Who watches modern cartoon shows.
.
From: Lurker Praps
How may times do you get to use a Blank as a "Z". The cool factor for that alone will blow the opposition away.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Paeons for the pile-ons
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 22:27:01 -0600

Fern-Seed wrote:
} Kylee wrote:
} > Bet you don't have a ten-inch plecostomus, though.
} No, but Al does. How big is your plecostomus, Al?

Oh sure pick on the poor little guy. He may be only five inches, but that water's cold! Besides, his habitat is kind of small, so size doesn't matter. I've had him since he was less than two, and you should see him go when he's excited. Most of the time he just lays on the bottom, rock-still. He can do that for hours on end. And can he ever suck glass! At night he goes all over the entire surface and licks every last inch clean, and he keeps it up night after night, 365 days a year. My wife says he's the most interesting one she's ever seen.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Paeons for the pile-ons
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 14:03:17 GMT

skywise.drizzle.com wrote:
>I don't know about that... five-inch sailfin mollies are pretty well hung. *cough* Not that I've been noticing.

Have you seen tapirs? Tapirs have a huge ground-dragging organ. And that's the *females*.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The BitchQDG is back
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 17:40:03 -0700

"Rebeka Thomas" <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> said:
> > Don't believe a word of it. It was just Kevin, DMP and Cyn on an uncontrolled new identit^Wincarnation spree - so much that someone suggested rhod had turned into a fancy dress party.
> I'm a newbie and my NNTP-Posting-Host: proves it! AND my email address is different and valid

So what's everybody think of my latest forged identity? I kinda like this one, I get to wear lacy undergarments when I'm pretending.

Kevin "she's^WI'm so spunky" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The BitchQDG is back
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 14:02:27 -0000

fiddleheads.usa.net says...
> Screwtape wrote:
> > Kimberly Chapman schrieb:
> > >Corran Webster wrote:
> > >>Oh, the humanity!
> > >Oh, the humidity!
> > Oh, the Vogonity!
> Oh, the Bureaucracy!

Oh, the fifteenth letter of the alphabet!

regards,
B


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The BitchQDG is back
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 17:31:02 -0000

nobloodynose.aol.com says...
> Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com> wrote:
> > Oh, the fifteenth letter of the alphabet!
> > regards,
> > B
> ^
> That's the second letter of the alphabet.

Mebbe in Merkinland it is, but ^ isn't a letter in the British English alphabet. Unless you were to slice the top off an A, which, seeing as you people butcher the English language daily, is entirely likely. In that case it would be the first letter of the alphabet. HTH. H^ND.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The BitchQDG is back
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 10:40:46 -0800

Rebeka Thomas <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote:
> someone needs to explain the injokes to me..... or at least the jokes.

Someone needs to explain to me which parts are jokes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: newlywed abstinence
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 15:23:25 -0500

Al Sharka wrote:
}101jokes wrote:
}} Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
}} Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
}} <HTML>
}} &nbsp;
}} <BLOCKQUOTE TYPE=CITE>101jokes at
}} <A HREF="http://www.codraw.com/101.htm">http://www.codraw.com/101.htm</A>
}} <BR><FONT SIZE=-2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
}AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Run for your lives! It's the HTML Hydra!

<epic mode=mock>
The following day was uneventful. I had Kendai ride point, as Zadoc had proved utterly useless at the task. "If you can't see a legion of clowns in black leotards against nearly white sands, what good are you?!" I railed against him.

"Your Magnificent Magnificence, Whose Prowess In Battle Outshines Hercules as Your Wisdom Outshines Zeus, I was blinded by your stupendous Oracular presence!"

"Oh for $Deity's sake, Zadoc, take a Tums or something..."

Lunch was pastrami sandwiches, of course. I told Zadoc to add pastrami to Lisa's list, so we'd have a fresh supply for the trip back.

The next day we set out just after sunrise, after a hearty breakfast of more pastrami sandwiches. Some of the priests were mumbling about the menu. Zadoc gave them one of his "rally round for the Oracle" speeches, which was good for a laugh, and they pelted him with cold cuts, which was even better. Morale improved greatly.

We soon came to an outcrop of rocks. Farther one, vultures were circling overhead. I called a halt.

"Be watchful, Kendai. These stones mark the edge of the HTML Hydra's territory. We must proceed quietly and with caution."

"Uh.., the what?"

"The HTML Hydra. The Second Danger of the Plain. Bloodthirsty spawn of Netscrapula and the Explorasaurus."

"Huh?"

"TAKE OFF THOSE HEADPHONES BEFORE I THROTTLE YOU WITH THEM!!"

"Uh, sorry dude. Had my headphones on."

Five minutes later, Zadoc was again riding point and Kendai was tied upside down to the backside of the mule. We proceeded cautiously.

Not long after we were picking our way through the bones of dismembered GIF's and broken links. A horrible stench filled the air; the HTML Hydra was near. It was Sharku who spotted the Horror...

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Run for your lives! It's the HTML Hydra!"

The creature reared up ahead of us, a mass of writhing tags and tangled frames. It's foul breath stank of blood and coffee. With great effort I kept control of my panicked horse and my equally panicked head priest.

"Stand your ground! ZADOC! The Staff, quickly!"

He tossed me the Staff of Zot before diving for cover. The Staff was the perfect weapon for dealing with Hydra; it both cut off the head and cauterized the neck, so the Hydra couldn't pull it's trademarked regeneration trick. I would've lent it to Hercules if he hadn't wrecked my Calliope tapes, the git...

###ZOT!###

<BLINK><CITE> RAAAAHHH!! </CITE></BLINK>

###ZOT!###ZOT!###ZOT!####

<BLINK><CITE> HISSS! SPIT! </CITE></BLINK>

After a mere twenty minutes, it was over. The HTML Hydra lay smoking on the ground, a burnt-out hulk feebly blinking "404 Error".

"Another astounding Victory, Oh Mighty Slayer of-"

"Yes, thank you, Zadoc. Fat lot of good you were, as usual."

We were now free to proceed through the rocks. We had beaten two of the Plains of The Endless September's great Dangers, but the third awaited. And even my omnipotent courage feared it'd be a bit dicey.

"Hey, Oracle dude, how much farther?"

"Not far now."

"Cause dude, all the blood's rushin' to my head, and this mule's got some pretty wicked gas..."

We rode on.

</epic> JIM, sorry, couldn't resist.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Morphine is nice
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 12 Nov 1999 04:23:42 GMT

Nobody Knows <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
>Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>> "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> wrote:
>> >That was not at all nice. I agree with Cyn on this topic, so in a way you are insulting me, now I will show you my penis...<zip>
>> THAT muscle is in danger of getting too much exercise. If you don't give it a rest you might not get it to perform when you need it...

...should the chance arise.

>You can't over exercise that muscle, I'm certain of it.

Any expert would tell you that two minutes of stretching during your lunch-break is hardly (heh) a good work-out.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder how Ben-Gay soothes a stiff muscle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Morphine is nice
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 22:13:15 +0000

Also Sprach Kevin Kelley:
> Hmm, what's the proper costume for a trip to Canada?

I wore an evening dress, shocking pink tights, toe-tectors and a fur stole. It seemed to be appreciated wherever I went, so I cannot recommend it too highly.

From: "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com>
So it wasn't the morphine.
.
From: Lurker Praps
No, I've been off that for a couple of months now.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Welcome Newbies
From: kmh4.pge.com (Ken Harlan)
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 09:15:42 PDT

technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist) writes:
>"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> wrote:
>>Because FAQ's are by their very nature static, and this group is anything but, I have chosen that there will be no FAQ for this group, rather, if you have questions, just ask and I will be glad to answer them for you.
>Why are Nudists the last people you want to see naked?

Because you have already seen them naked.

>What's the internal maximum PSI of a can of Diet Coke?

Yes.

>Which one's Robert?

The other one.

>If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, which half of the chicken would that be?

Don't know. But they taste like frog's legs.

>Would laying half an egg hurt?

Only if it is a cube.

>And be awfully messy?

Not if it comes out flat half first.

>How can you be in two places at once when your not anywhere at all?

Alright wise guy. Why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?

>Why is it I can surf the information super highway but people get annoyed when I surf the freeway?

You don't look good in a Speedo (TM).

>What's a bed? (I'm an engineer)

ITYM, what's afoot?

>What genius thought that putting computers in cars would make folks better drivers?

Bill Gates.

>What's the Grand Unified Theory of Physics?

Once again you got the question wrong. ITYM What is the Grand Union Theory of Physics? Whatever you are looking for in the supermarket it will always be in the last aisle you go down.

>Why do folks think Netscape is a good browser?

Because it is not Internet Explorer.

>For that matter, why did people think Microsoft was not a monopoly?

Very simple. Microsoft makes an operating system. Monopoly is a board game.

>What if I'm in Rome and don't know how Romans act?

When in doubt drive fast, pinch ass, and drink red wine.

>Why is West Virginia called "Almost Heaven" when Purgatory is too?

West Virginia and Purgatory are the same place.

>If monkeys ever developed technology would the contraband munitions list include Ex-lax?

Yes. Along with ICBMs which can launch more than 500 pounds of feces.

>What if we detect extra-terrestrial life by accidentally accepting something's collect call?

We will get a huge long-distance phone charge from IT&T (Interstellar Telephone and Telegraph).

>What if we're sued for invasion of privacy by the Glwzysk of Omnicron IV?

Call Judd for the Defense.

>Does the Federation have a problem with static Klingons?

Not since they started using Ferengi Fabric softener.

>Why is there a "Permanent Press" setting on irons?

Because the clothes must be permanently pressed.

>Why are there Braille instructions on drive-thru ATMs?

For California drivers.

>For that matter, why are there Braille instructions on most ATMs?

So your right hand won't get bored while your left hand is pushing all the buttons.

>How do blind folk read the ATM screen?

They don't. They're blind.

>Do you have Zot proof underwear?

Yes. But do you? <ZOT!>

>Thanks! That's just the first run. Let me know when you want more...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Welcome Newbies
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 04:40:13 GMT

Ben wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> What's the internal maximum PSI of a can of Diet Coke?
>A bit less than the PSI reached when I leave it in my car on a hot day.

True story: Several years ago I lived in Texas for a while. Moving in occurred after a long, long drive, and while we didn't unpack everything immediately, the 100-degree F temperatures had us quite keen to get perishable food items into the refrigerator.

This refrigerator was one of those that did not have a separate freezer; instead it had a cheapo metal freezer unit inside the fridge section, at the top. Unfortunately the door to the freezer compartment had disappeared, with the result that the "freezer" portion and the "refrigerator" portion were more or less the same temperature, which was really not cold enough to actually freeze anything.

Now, keep in mind that we had just had a very long drive, on a day far hotter than any of us were accustomed to, and had just spent a lot of time in the Texas sun moving furniture. Our thought processes were not quite up to their usual levels, so "idiocy" is probably not accurate to describe the next decision.

Also keep in mind that there were, as I recall, at least seven people in the group, so I cannot conclusively place blame, although I'm reasonably certain it was not directly my fault. However I'm also reasonably sure that I was aware of the plan and did not object in any way.

Anyway, _someone_ had the bright idea that a good temporary fix for the fridge would be to stack Coke cans at the front, where the door would normally go. This would, it was thought, provide a bit of insulation, and hopefully restore near-normal functionality until a permanent fix could be found. This done, we settled in for a long, deep sleep from which, as we later learned, loud unfamiliar noises would not wake us.

Early the next morning I was drifting toward consciousness when I heard a low, muffled, but powerful-sounding "thud" noise. What could that possibly be, I wondered, and drifted back toward sleep. Soon another thud followed. And another. Suddenly I realized what must be happening, and headed for the fridge.

Most of our temporary freezer door was by that time a mass of twisted aliminum, encased in semi-frozen Coca Cola. Most of the rest of the fridge was also coated in a sticky, semi-frozen, brown, sticky layer.

So the answer is "a bit less than the PSI reached in a freezer".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Welcome Newbies
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 02:00:54 GMT

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>So the answer is "a bit less than the PSI reached in a freezer".

The sad thing is that I actually know the answer to this question. Tom wins for impractical application, but here's my tale.

A few years ago I used to buy cokes for my office. Occasionally, I would pull one out of the fridge with the bottom popped out. That's when I spotted the 1-800-Get-Coke number on the side of the can

<embed snd="dialPhone.wav">
Coke Representative: Hi, This is Rebecca. How can I help you?

Me: Hi there. I was about to enjoy a frosty can of your fine beverage when I noticed the bottom of the can popped out. It takes quite a bit of effort to push it back in. Needless to say, I am a bit worried that I may get a second can and it may be at the point right before the bottom pops, in which case I may have a refreshing, ice cold hand-grenade, which may be slightly detrimental to my overall enjoyment of the product. Out of curiosity, what's the maximum pressure that one of these cans can hold?

CR: [pause. Sometimes, it's not the question but the delivery that makes all the difference] Uhhhhm.... can I put you on hold.

*click* At this point I got to hear every version of "Have a Coke and a smile" that there is. I was just getting into the Latvian version when:

Second CR: Sir? We're having a bit of trouble tracking this down, but we're still looking. Please hold...

*click* I waited and thanked office supplies for speaker phones. Hey, isn't that Swahili?

First CR: Sir? Can we get your number so we can call you back?

I gave them my home phone number and a few months later my answering machine had a message from a guy at Alcoa (the manufacturers of the can). I had kinda hoped that they had spent that time blowing up cans, but this guy didn't sound like he was any fun at all.

Alcoa Rep: Sir, according to our design specifications our soda can can hold a maximum internal pressure of 76 PSI. We do not believe that standard carbonized beverages will ever exceed that.

I'm guessing Tom has found a way. I wish the Alcoa guy left a number, I had all kinds of other questions to ask him. Like: What's the electrical impedance of a can of Coke (I wanted to make a radio antenna from a stack of 'em), and what the hell pushed the bottom of the can out?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Welcome Newbies
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 15 Nov 1999 16:20:48 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
>Dang, but it's not a toll free call (hey I don't want to run up my phone bill while the reps head spins), and the cheap bastards don't even have an email address I can spod. *sigh*
>And what is the deal with their home page graphic?

I was gonna make a "all I see is '[INLINE]'", but I went there first (on the off-chance tit *didn't* look like crap in lynx) and...well let's just say their server is a bit hosed.

>Two guys wrapping the planet in foil? What, like green-house gases aren't enough to deal with?

Rather than each of us *individually* wrapping our heads in foil, they're taking a more charitable approach and saving the world.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think laser tag just got a whole new twist



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