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1999 11 E

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: #1126-03.
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 99 20:12:40 GMT

We wait 2 weeks, and what do we get by way of omniscience: "your order sir" translated as "votre monsieur de commande"?

It's really rather endearing, this touching faith Orrie has in babelfish.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
And, for dead language enthusiasts, "merde!" translates as "merda!"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 17:38:58 -0400

Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com> wrote:
> Kevin Kelley wrote
>> Possibly a modification to NNTP, adding a "Content-summary" header the value of which is a 32-bit key uniquely identifying the semantic content of the post*, would help. JIMbot collision-detection algorithm then would need only the headers, rather than article bodies; this would significantly speed hit detection and proportionately increase maximum bot posting frequency. Who wants to write the RFC?
> It's not really necessary at this point. Clever programming is easier in the short term than modifying standards. But if the number of bots grows significantly in the next couple years, something like that may need to be considered.

I don't like this approach, it requires somebody to assign the keys values, some sort of DNS-like database to decipher them, and would probably be prone to attack. What if some human spodder decides he really hates an "in bed" style joke, so puts its summary on every post? Somebody would still have to parse every post to be sure the summary was appropriate, and it doesn't really take that long to extract all the meaning from Usenet, anyway.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 16:31:23 GMT

Donald Welsh wrote:
> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
>>Screwtape wrote in message ...
>>><snip 137 blank lines>
>>>> JIM
>>>Let me guess - you're being transparent, right?
>>What if I told you it should have taken you 4 min, 32 seconds to read those blank lines?
>I'd say 3 minutes, 33 seconds, tops.

OK, for you, two minutes, 59 seconds, and I'll throw in a stopwatch so that you don't have to keep counting off the measures, but that's my final offer.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 16:22:47 GMT

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
>John Cage is/was (not sure, really, think he's dead) an avant-garde composer. The blank post from JIM was a reference to his (semi)famous work "4 Minutes, 32 Seconds," which had a paid orchestra (probably at union scale, I would have loved to be in on that session) playing 4 minutes and 32 seconds of rest.

And to this day that work remains my favorite Kareoke request.

Everybody Sing!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 16:52:53 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>It was 3 minutes 33 seconds, wasn't it? Or maybe he did two versions of it.

He did. The second version could be played on any instrument (the first version was written for piano), and could be any length.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 11:46:12 +1100

Daniel Glick schrieb:
>Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
>> But that's OK, 'cos now I've got this really keen goat with a laser strapped to its head.
>> Goat: Maaaaaaaaa!
>> Be careful of it though, it tends to get fidgety.
>Well, I'm not sure exactly how worried I should be about that. Where's the trigger?

I'm not sure. Every so often it just -

Goat: Maa! <Bzap!>

Well, yeah. Sorry about that. I told you he was fidgety.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: Lurker Praps <m.pack.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 21:23:05 +0000

Also Sprach Donald Welsh:
> I'll see Outlook Express and IE5 users behind your firewall and raise your good times with a back orifice in the bubble boy.

It'll break the cascade, but I just *have* to mention that, when the BubbleBoy news first broke, many of my lusers were panicky. To keep them quiet I put a content bar on any mail containing the word "BubbleBoy" to prevent it getting through our SMTP gateway. I sent out a bulletin describing the worm, its potential for harm, its interesting modus operandi, and that I had made us safe from its ravages by barring all mail containing the word "BubbleBoy" from passing through our mail system.

Any guesses as to how many people immediately tried to mail a copy of my bulletin to their friends and families? Any guesses as to how pleased I was that every one of them bounced straight back to sender, proving the worth of the content bar? <hehe>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: Lurker Praps <m.pack.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 05:14:02 +0000

Also Sprach TechnoAtheist:
> Aw, heck. just bounce anything that has HTML content. You'll be doing the world a favor.

This idea was brought to you by the letter "P" and the number "45". <the UK unemployment benefit claim form>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Poing!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 21:32:02 GMT

Daniel Glick wrote:
>Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
>[excise]
>> Sorry, Malc, but much as I love your work, I'm a Crosspost Cop over in afda.
>You, afda crosspost cop? Is that anything like the westerns where they give a criminal a chance between getting hung or becoming sheriff?

I was thinking more along the lines of "West of comp.sys.linux.misc, I *am* the law!"


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the members of RHOD
From: Lurker Praps <m.pack.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 04:51:59 +0000

Also Sprach Podkayne Fries:
> Lurker Praps:
> >Nobody Knows:
> >> Usually we roast a long pig and then argue about whether to put Oregano on it or not...
> >There is no argument. We don't. OK?
> You might ask over on rec.food.cooking. They always have dandy recipes. Personally, I'd favor sage and parsley, with a little chives.

I'd just like to announce that Podkayne Fries is now my second bestest friend in the hole whide world ever, and would be my bestest friend ever if he, she or it were to change his, her or its name to "Podkayne Chips". Thank-you.


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the members of RHOD
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 07:55:33 +1100

Nobody Knows wrote:
> Kimberly Chapman <kacee.outer-net.com> wrote:
> > Then why don't you let me cut off your winkie with a dull rusty blade? I keep offering!
> Only if you're roasting me, and you plan to eat that part yourself.

As a famous [*] Australian Vietnamese comedian once said in relation to hot dogs, "Not even *we* eat that part of the dog!"

Ian.
[*] So famous that I can't remember his name.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the members of RHOD
From: Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 11:04:42 -0800

Screwtape wrote:
> Lurker Praps schrieb:
> >Also Sprach Screwtape:
> >> >Kevin "yeah, I know, I'll get me spatula" Kelley
> >> There is no spatula.
> >What's this, then? Scotch mist?
> (Hmm.. /me thinks he's discovered a pattern..)
> There is no Scotch mist.

'sss rrigh.......There ish no Scotsh misht*hic*


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: To the members of RHOD
From: Lurker Praps <m.pack.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 05:21:44 +0000

Also Sprach MOTAR:
> MOTAR thinks if the images were interesting he'd be willing to learn the video side. MOTAR had a demo disc for a very expensive video editing program. MOTAR never tried installing it. It required a much more powerful computer than MOTAR has been using. MOTAR thinks it came with the magazine Digital Magic. MOTAR liked getting that magazine.
> MOTAR

I believe we have found Og's sole surviving descendent. Hey, MOTAR, what number comes after "2"?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 02:43:01 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Paul wrote:
>> So Ian, is this time in rhod sort of like what it was like back when Joel Furr was around?
>Sort of, in the sense that it is not at all like it.

Now that's what I like about you, Ian. You're always ready to march straight out and clearly state your position ambiguously.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: Lionel <longword+usenet.newsguy.com>
Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 12:44:46 +0800

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) said:
> Lars Clausen wrote:
>> tph.acm.org wrote:
>>> Suddenly I know how Albert Einstein must have felt when he realized that the consequences of his work might not all be good. How about if I rename the "poster analysis" section the "people with no lives rankings"?
>>As I said when you first made the traffic reports: A follow-up report would be very interesting, too, showing who gives the best input to our collective regional differences.
>I've thought about this for a couple of days. But I still don't know what you're talking about. Maybe if you could toss a free clue my way I'd consider doing whatever it is you're suggesting.

As a seasoned IT professional, I have to say that this one of the best & most succinct responses[0] I've yet seen to a user's feature request.

[0] Or at least, the best response that doesn't involve unfavourable comparisons between the intelligence of the user & that of a newt.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: "Scott Draper" <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 13:36:29 -0500

Richard Wilson wrote:
> tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) writes:
>> Just what is it like in ROHD now, anyway? I see that traffic has exploded; however as it has exploded far beyond the amount of time I have to keep up with it, I have no idea what's going on.
> On the verge of the Injoke Event Horizon. This will be reached when every post consists of a repetition of a previously agreed funny word or phrase, and the postload on any given day will be indistinguishable from that on the day before. After a few months of this someone will write a program to automate the process and we can all go about our lives again.

The future is now, gentlemen.

Cheers,

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project
"Tomorrow's Technology Posting Yesterday's In-jokes Today"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 11:07:56 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
} Jason Willoughby schrieb:
} >Before my time, then. Before most everybody, really. '92 was when the rec.humor.oracle* groups were first created and Hello! I never noticed that before! Guess who voted yes for both rho and rhod... None other than "Linus Benedict Torvalds <cc.helsinki.fi!torvalds>".
} Mein lieben! Now *that's* what I call celebrity endorsement.

Oooh... see Ian? Linus voted yes for RHOD.

JIM

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Sheesh, you invent one free brilliant workable operating system, altruistically refuse to make megabucks from it, remain steadfastly a nice person (apparently), and all of a sudden everybody loves you. What is the world coming to?

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: "Scott Draper" <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 14:46:01 -0500

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
> >Conspiracy Theory #7:
> >Rebeka is actually a fiendishly clever project worked out by the Priesthood to stamp out any interest in cascades or injoke-related posts. Jason called it, he gets the points.
> Ah shit. I was thinkin' they created her as a foil so we'd think they had a sense of humor.

Talk about putting out the fire with gasoline then...

> > JIM, funny thing is, it's working...
> Congratulations to the whole JIM Project Team on having endowed the bot with originality, or such a massively parallel processor that it can detect such a subtle pattern so quickly.

Thanks. It's one of the functions we're really proud of, called froup_state. It tracks things like number of on-topic posts, number of injoke posts, number and length of active cascades, etc, and uses it to build a crude sort of model of what's going on at any particular time. The other routines, like the predator-raptor and the conspiracy-theory generator, adjust their output according to the froup_state.

It was kind of lucky that we'd just connected froup_state with the newbie-recognition system, otherwise all Rebecka's lame attempts to start cascades would have confused the heck out of it. It was nice of Jason to give us that advanced warning.

Cheers,

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project
"Tomorrow's Technology Posting Yesterday's In-jokes Today"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Ian Davis
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 23:16:42 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Scott Draper wrote:
>} Thanks. It's one of the functions we're really proud of, called froup_state. It tracks things like number of on-topic posts, number
>I still want to see the regular expression that detects on-topicness.

#Add Comments to this.
open(FROUP,"news:rec.humor.oracle.d");
while(my $thread = nextThread(<FROUP>)){

my %topicList;
while(my $post = $tread->nextPost()){
post->deleteInJokes();
foreach my $word (split(\s,$post->body())){
if(defined($topicList{$word})){
$topicList{$word} += 1;
}else{
$topicList{$word} = 1;
}
}
my $topicality=0;
my .keyList = keys %topicList;
foreach my $key (.keyList)
{
if ($topicList{$key} > $TOPICALITY_THRESHOLD)
{
$topicality++;
}
}
if ($topicality > scalar(.keyList))
{
Nathan::ThatllBeEnoughOfThat($topic);
}elsif ($topicality < scalar(.keyList))
{
JIMBot::followup($topic,$post);
}
}
}

"Some things are precise, for everything else use PERL (R)"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ASR [was Please Ignore]
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 15:44:46 -0700

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Kimberly Chapman <kacee.outer-net.com> wrote:
> > Nobody Knows wrote in message <80uie701m1u.news1.newsguy.com>...
> > >> >I don't know, depends on the relationship. Penis removals are also done for this purpose, by couples who would consider themselves in love...the partner who loses is left as only a receiver of the others pleasure...they give a gift of permanent frustration, and permanent pleasure giver...I think it's kinda sweet actually...
> > >> So why all the fuss about me cutting yours off slowly with a rusty dull blade?
> > >Mainly because you're not my lover...
> > Oh. Pish tosh, what an excuse. Git yer butt over here, boy.
> I'm sorry, but actually my penis doesn't even belong to me, I've given to someone and it's theirs to do with what they wish. Including cut it off, BTW.
> But you're not that person Kimmy, so I'm afraid I can't let you do that.

All right already, I've decided you can have it back now.


Kevin "but I'll treasure the memories" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Test - Don't Read
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 04:51:02 GMT

"TM" <NoMail.Anywhere> wrote:
>Test

Ok, I didn't read it. Now what?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Test - Don't Read
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 13:56:41 -0000

NoMail.Anywhere says...
> Test

Hi, you've reached rhod. We're all too busy to not read your message at the moment, but if you'd like to not leave another message after the tone, someone will not respond as soon as impossible.

Beep.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: It's very late...
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 05:53:16 GMT

Must...close...newsreader...must...not...download...new...headers...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Invitation
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 16:58:36 +1100

Tim Chew wrote:
> Paul did thusly type:
>>pooga.home.com.RemoveThis (Pooglian) wrote:
>>>And let's face it, after 1126, the Oracle's ratings aren't all that great...
> >Don't worry. Some organizational changes have taken place, and all should be right as rain soon.
> Yes, they moved my frayed, tattered bit of rug closer to the window.

But now that you have mopped up the, erm, ah, Incident, we can move it back again.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Outjokes
From: gnohmon8715.my-deja.com
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 19:54:12 GMT

Too many injokes. Need outjokes.

From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
... out of bed
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
That's what *she* forgot to say.
.
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Wimpy fish, ordinary frog, I hope this helps, and have a nice day.
.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
I'll fold.
.
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
WAV!
.
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net>
I've heard it called *that* before!
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Poke 'er? Sure, whatever you say!
.
From: Noser the Fishless <pshaughn.mediaone.net>
Wow, my keyboard's working really well today!
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Isn't it funny how sometimes you hear an unusual phrase a couple of times in one lifetime?
.
From: yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman)
Um, we're all different despite regional similarities?
.
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
I'll see your regional similarities and fold.
.
From: Michael Guenther <mbguenth.physics.purdue.edu>
Well, I guess there is time after all.
.
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Please do not read the FAQ. The location cannot be found in the FAQ.
<Insert whatever the opposite of "semprini" is here.>
Oh, good- we've got in-jokes, and now we have out jokes, a.k.a. anti-in-jokes. With luck they'll collide, and they'll both disappear.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Outjokes
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 99 09:51:03 GMT

tjthomas.nyx10.nyx.net "Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon" writes:
> Quite right, Sir, that parrot does seem to be dead, and I shall refund your money.

IIRC, this is almost exactly the way JC and MP played it in one of the Secret Policeman's Balls (help me, Malc: the 2nd?). JC then turned to the dumb-founded audience and said something like "And don't tell me nothing's changed under Thatcher".

Your outjoke is therefore void.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*---Are these the droids you're looking for?--


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gay 'toons, or typical Walt?
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 07:49:11 +1100

Rev. R2D2 wrote:
> BTDT. Have the claw marks down my back to prove it.

You're lion.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1127-10
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 04:24:05 GMT

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
> Jim Evans did thusly type:
>> Paul wrote:
>>} Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
>>} >I think that this question was rigged.
>>} No! Honest, it just landed in my inbox.
>>That's not the inbox, Paul, that's the sent-messages box.
>That's right, Paul. That's the in-box, that's the sent-items box, and that's the litter box. Let's get it right this time.

Right. This is the liquor-box, this is the spent-shells box, and this is the dryer lint-box. I think I got it now...so where do I put the oracularities?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1127-10
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 11:35:37 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Paul wrote:
>} Al Sharka wrote:
>} >I think that this question was rigged.
>} No! Honest, it just landed in my inbox.
>I meant that since you hadn't changed your .sig yet to indicate priesthood, and hadn't seleted anything prior to 1127-10, how could anyone but the priesthood know that you had been assim^Wappointed yet? Perhaps the Incarnation didn't know for sure, but a Priest had to have asked the question.

Oh. Okay, but now you've used up all your quota of logical deduction for the week, so NO MORE surmising until next Wednesday, allright?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Illiteracy
From: Lionel <longword+usenet.newsguy.com>
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 18:05:21 +0800

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) said:
>Nobody Knows schrieb:
>>I just want to take this moment to reiterate something I said once before, in case someone isn't fully acclimatized to the situation.
>>I am completely illiterate. I can neither read, nor write, and I have generally no idea what's going on in this newsfroup.
>>Thank you for your attention.
>Take it to soc.illiteracy.acceptance, boy!

How is that spelled?

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
grumblegrumblenitpicksgrumble
Tee, Aitch, Ay, Tee.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Oracle
From: "WebTV User" <username.webtv.net>
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 17:14:26 -0800
NNTP-Posting-Host: p-432.newsdawg.com
X-Priority: 3
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 5.00.2615.200
X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2615.200

I just got this machine and I don't know if I am able to post messages yet, but if this does get through can someone tell me how I can use Oracle on my WebTV? I wanted to build a recipe database.

Thank you very much in advance.

From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
That sounds like a great idea, but unfortunately your posts aren't getting through, so I'm afraid nobody'll be able to help you in your quest for recipes and/or databases.
And shouldn't you be watching Dating Game reruns instead of messing around on the web?
.
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Nobody Knows.
.
From: "ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net>
Oracle is built in to your WebTV operating system. It also has an (undocumented) integrated scanner that works through your TV screen. To activate it, send an email to kibo.world.std.com with the subject line ACTIVATE MY WEBTV SCANNER! and the words ME TOO! along with your username and password in the body. Before you know it, you'll be having´more fun than you could have ever imagined.
.
From: tjthomas.nyx10.nyx.net (Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon)
Wow, I didnt realize WebTV would let you post through newsguy using outlook express...
.
From: "Jim Deutch" <103134.3516.compuserve.com>
Not to mention that there isn't a WebTV user on the planet who knows even _one_ meaning of the word "oracle"...
.
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
No, I'm sorry. We didn't get your post. Please call customer support.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny thing happened to me on the way to the computer...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 13:30:47 +1100

Paul wrote:
> I just told my wife that I have been inducted into the Priesthood. She said, "Oh great! I've always wanted to do it with a Priest. That way, when I scream, 'Oh God!' it will actually mean something."

I hate to break it to you, but she's actually been screaming, "Oh cod!"

Yes, that's right: she's a fishwife.

Ian, who now knows what *really* happened to the brsff.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny thing happened to me on the way to the computer...
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 99 18:02:13 GMT

brightredfish.mindspring.com "Paul" writes:
> I just told my wife that I have been inducted into the Priesthood. She said, "Oh great! I've always wanted to do it with a Priest. That way, when I scream, 'Oh God!' it will actually mean something."
> When I yelled "KEYBOARD!" at her she looked at me sorta funny.

I'm not surprised. How would you like the extended qwerty board impressed into the skin of your back?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*-Just remember to fold the little plastic legs down first--
--*-----*--*----*----*--It's hell trying to glue them back on--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: lurker sadness
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 12:09:18 GMT

"trog" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.uk.nospam> me wrote:
>Paul wrote ...
>> snip<
>> Paul, Priest of the Internet Oracle, whose daughter's world famous ornamental horned frog has, proportionate to its body size, the second largest mouth on the planet.
>Just noticed that, Paul. Is this a recent elevation to the Priesthood or was I missing something all along?

Just happened this week. I have digested JUST ONE oracularity so far, and that one just because it made a direct reference to me by name. The rest I'm sitting on and won't digest because they're too damn funny for you lot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: lurker sadness
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 19 Nov 1999 04:47:40 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
> Jeff Zeitlin wrote:
>} Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
>} >DP->N->K
>} ITYM "DP|N>K" HTH HAND.
>No, if K is an operator, it has to go before the ket. I don't know where you want to put it though. Do K, D and P commute?

I'll tell you where you can put it...

dan, whose bight red Siamese fighting fishies are smooth operators


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Action News at 11
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 06:31:23 GMT

*click*
...eem to make your gerbils minty fresh.

Residents of RHOD are recovering from a massive flood of messages that struck their newsgroup this past month. The devastation, shown here, was nearly complete as desperate people struggled to keep up with the nearly overwhelming tide.

We go now to Bob who is standing by live at the group.

"Bob, the residents are still in somewhat of a state of shock from the disaster. People I've talked to tell of frightening nights where hundreds, possibly thousands of messages filled peoples readers. The pace was horrendous as many went days without sleeping, eating or bathing. Although, most of these same people report that they generally don't sleep or bathe anyway, the "not-eating" part was traumatic.

"Exhausted residents would often post up incoherent messages in a desperate attempt to 'Just Be Funny', often resorting to acronyms and in-jokes while chanting "in bed". In a surprising turn, the usual number of poker cascades fell off sharply. However, only the local constabulary seemed particularly pleased by this event.

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
"The causes of the flood have not been conclusively determined yet. But investigators say that it appears that it began when someone began what they are calling an "add a newsgroup" cascade. The cascade appears to have unbalanced the newsgroup even more than usual, and led to disaster. The Cascade Police hope to locate the perpetrator and bring him or her to justice."

Rescue workers have not yet shown up yet. The official reason I have gotten is "Look, it's only a fsking news group. Go away."

Residents are not certain how long this welcome respite will last. Many are using the unexpected break to watch Monty Python episodes, read P.J. O'Rourke, or just scan rhyming dictionaries. It's not a question of whether the next flood will come, only when.

Back to you in the Studio. Bob?"

Thank you Bob.

Turning to weather...
*click*


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: One last post to ATS.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 21 Nov 1999 16:31:27 GMT

Lane Gray, Czar Castic <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> said:
>Lurker Praps wrote in message ...
>>Also Sprach Jim Evans:
>>> } Why don't you post some Ralph Wiggums quotes anyway? I could use some good Ralph Wiggums quotes right about now.
>>> My cat's breath smells like catfood.
>>I bent my wookie.
>I've never heard it HEY stop shoving!!

Is that how it happened, Praps?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies recommend KY next time


Newsgroups: alt.tv.sliders,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: One last post to ATS.
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 22:55:53 +1000

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
> Lars Clausen schrieb:
> > st.ferd2.thristian.org wrote:
> >> Karen schrieb:
> >>>BTW, do you know how to fix segmentation faults? That's what I got with mille.
> >> Yeah - segmentation faults are caused by the componentry in your PC case slightly detaching from each other, or becoming "segmented". To fix it, unplug your PC and stand on a concrete or other hard floor. Lift the PC to about chest height, and drop it on the floor. The force of the impact pushes the components together, and helps them stick again. If problems persist, please repeat the treatment.
> >Just out of curiosity, did you ever use one of the early Amiga 500's? Your description reminds me of them...
> No, but a less violent proceedure (i.e. only a few inches, instead of a few feet) was Recommended Operating Proceedure for the Apple /// systems..

Heh

My very first hard drive was an external one for the Mac Plus - 23 meg, the size of a toaster and cost $1200 as a black import from the US. It was state of the art in 1985. Over a lot of years it gave faithful service and was still in use in the early 90's. For the last few years it was reluctant to spool up to speed after a cold start, so I developed a SOP that consisted of the lifting one corner about 6 inches then letting it drop on the desk before switching it on. Toward the end, I had to do this, then kinda box it in the ears while it was spooling up.

I eventually gave the whole thing to my daughter. Even though I carefully explained the startup procedure to her, she could never get it to work.

A one person machine.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's all relative.
From: "ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net>
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 14:02:41 -0500

Lars Clausen wrote:
> ranko_1_2.hotmail.com wrote:
> >> Oh, mr Pot? Wouldn't you like to meet Mrs. Kettle? I'm sure you'd get along just _splendidly_.
> > IIRC the original saying was "the kettle calling the pot black" not "the pot calling the kettle black"
> Pot, kettle, what's the difference. They're all black... black... dead black... black as the midnight in ancient graveyards... black as the branches of withered, shriveled trees clawing at the night wind... black as the darkness in the slimy, unwholesome caves where creeping, scaly horrors wait... wait for their time to come... a time of blood flowing, of hideous monsters spewing forth from the damp earth... a time where humans are rendered limp from limp in agony and terror, where mind-wrenching, ungodly miscreations trample the innocent under their clawed, ulcerous feet, where little fluffy bunnies hop around the meadow in the sunshine, and where transdimensional horrors such as no human can envisage and survive turn their blazing gaze upon the frail husks of human life that remain on Earth and mercilessly engulf humanity in endless night and suffering.

That has to be the *BEST* description of the Teletubbies set I've ever read. Thanks, Lars.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: It's all relative.
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 22:48:48 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
Lionel wrote:
>} tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) said:
>} >That doesn't explain the lemur connection, unless Joel Furr works for Deja.
>} Didn't somebody write a song about the 'lemur connection'?
>Wasn't Joel Furr elected Kermit the Frog at one point?

Yes, but it was overruled. Something about "dead people can't vote" [0]


[0] well, then, why did they run fiber into the cemetery?

From: Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis>
Because even dead people should be regular?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And tonight on Armchair Psychology..
From: Lionel <longword+usenet.newsguy.com>
Date: Sat, 27 Nov 1999 12:15:46 +0800

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) said:
> Corran Webster <corranw.my-deja.com> wrote:
>>(rhod ain't a family newsfroup)
>You can say that again! I'll have to put a warning in -- even the FAQ isn't fit for prime-time viewing.

Speaking of which, you should really remove the pink binaries from it. My news server filters out binaries in this froup, so I never get to see it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And tonight on Armchair Psychology..
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 16:35:37 -0500

Nobody Knows wrote:
} Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote in message
[snip]
} > Well, you could post a picture of the HPP.
} It's already come out I guess that while it *is* H, it's not actually P. That is for relatively large values of 'not P'.

*What*?! It's not pierced!?

I'm so disillusioned...

JIM, okay, so I guess there's no way to run me off

From: "Nobody Knows" <nobodyknows_1234.yahoo.com>
Well, it's only my story for this week.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.tv.sliders
Subject: Re: And tonight on Armchair Psychology..
From: Pooglian <pooga.home.com.RemoveThis>
Date: Fri, 26 Nov 1999 00:16:50 GMT

Screwtape wrote:
>I just wanted to note that I haven't seen a Rebeka post in a few days...

No, but I DID see her posting in ark (I was researching an oracularity, honest!). Kibo had said something about "Shiro Akaishi" obviously being a Spanish name, and she corrected him. It's nice to know that she doesn't just not get rhod humor. :-)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: A question for Rebeka (Re: And tonight on Armchair Psychology..)
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Date: Mon, 22 Nov 1999 00:28:52 GMT

"Rebeka Thomas" <ranko_1_2.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> I think the most important question is:
>> Rebeka, are you here for the oracle, or are you here for rhod?
>I hope this will answer your question.
>Some background info about my joining this group that you may not know:

The fire cracks as the faint glow reaches the darker areas. An old voice croaks from the dim, "Ye are a noble traveller, true, true, but ye have entered an ancient and sacred land."

A shadow seperates from the gloom and slowly makes it's way into the circle. <clack-shuffle, clack-shuffle, clack-shuffle....>

"Know ye that the froup is not a casual gathering, but in some ways a serious effort. It has been for longer than you have been, and is the source for much of the humor that we now take for granted."

At last you see his wizened features and the hooks holding his false beard in place. He continues to stare into the fire, resting on his quarter staff.

"As such, those that enter the circle treat the place with much respect. They listen to the words of their elders and they study the posts of their peers. Some, like myself, study only this group."

"with the occasional foray into alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.hampsters.ducttape" speaks an unknown voice from the crowd. A mild snicker is silenced by the old man's wilting gaze. The old man continues, "They lurk in shadows to learn much before they dare open their fsking gobs."

"Those that are patient and willing to learn are accepted. Even young adventurers like yourself are welcomed and gently taught the ways. They learn much of the magic of timing and subtle innuendo. They go forth spreading wit and rescuing the downtrodden."

"But those that do not...." A very dark shadow passes over his face, yet his eyes seem to glow in the flickering light.

"they are dealt with most harshly. They are shunned, plonked into kill-files, and ignored. They are insulted cruelly and viciously (with some insults making it to alt.humor.best-of-usenet). Soon their names are used to frighten the young. They are laughed at and iconified as inept. Their paths are made very hard indeed....

"Mind ye words and know ye place before you join the ranks of..." <FLASH-KRACK!!> Joel Furr, <FLASH-KRACK> Tom Servo, and the alt.bonehead.* consortium"

"Let this be yer last warning...."

The decrepit figure turns back to the shadows, a "Kick Me" sign has been placed upon his back. His figure fades into the dim.

Clack-shuffle.
clack-shuffle.
clack-shuffle.
Clack-trip-crash-cat-scream.


"ow....."



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