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1999 11 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 01 Nov 1999 16:27:19 -0700

yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman) said:
> Kevin Kelley wrote
> > [1] I typed "sperm.com" into my browser and it failed to load.
> That's what *she* said.
> Y'know, the problem with all these in-jokes and phrases is that it's too easy to just fill in a stock phrase rather than coming up with something original.

It's a lot safer that way... JIM, for instance, actually went off in a uniquely creative direction, following up on that sperm.com link, and I'm kinda afraid we'll never see him again. (Help! I'm a prisoner in a Canadian sperm factory!)


Luckily the JIMbot project seems to be progressing nicely, so we won't suffer from lack of JIM here.


I'd suggest we should maybe, for humanitarian reasons, mount a rescue of the JIM prototype; but actually I'm not sure he's not happy there, producing sperm on a strict schedule to hasten the coming revolution.

Kevin "I guess the happiness factor would depend on whether production is assisted by cattle prods or by nude models" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 22:02:22 -0500

actually I'm not sure he's not happy there, producing sperm on a strict schedule to hasten the coming revolution.

[EXT. SHOT: Vancouver skyline, at night.]

[INT. SHOT: A plushly-appointed boudoir. JIM, dressed in a flowing red silk robe with a dragon embroidered on it, is lounging on a divan, while being fanned by a pair of Teletubbies. He is perusing a magazine, "Girls of the Max Planck Institute", occaisionally making a tick mark on a page with a red marker. Open tins of oysters, chocolate, and powdered rhino horn sit on the divan next to him.]

[SFX: A door opens and closes. Scott Draper enters from stage left]

Scott Draper: Mr. Evans...
JIM: Ah, Scott. Any luck on that Internet connection we talked about?
Scott Draper: I'm ... afraid not yet.
[JIM furrows his brow. The Teletubbies start fanning harder.]
JIM: Hmm, that's too bad. I must be getting awfully far behind in rhod by now...
Scott Draper: Oh, don't worry, we've made... arrangements... for that.
JIM: Oh?
Scott Draper: Nothing you need concern yourself with. I came in to tell you, Ms. Hunt has arrived. She's waiting for you in Room 6.
JIM: Already? It hasn't been more than fifteen minutes since Nicole left...
Teletubbies: AGAIN! AGAIN!
Scott Draper: If you'd rather I sent her away...
[JIM leaps off the divan.]
JIM: No! No, no, not at all! We must rally round for the Revolution, what? Lead on, Scotty!

[He follows Scott, exiting stage left. The Teletubbies drop their fans and shuffle along behind, each hiding a cattle prod behind his back. Return to EXT. SHOT, fade to black]

[Cue "Trojans" commercial]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas)
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999 02:59:03 GMT

Kevin Kelley tapped out:
>Coming soon! The "Adopt an eighteen-year-old" program! Guaranteed scholarship-qualified, and it comes programmed with a healthy desire to support its 'parents' in their old age!
>Now you can miss the 'nappy years,' and the 'terrible twos'; your new child is certified to be free of teen angst, and a safe and cautious driver!
>Of course the child won't resemble you in any particular... but that's a _good_ thing, right? Surely you'd not put an innocent babe through the things you had to survive. No, much better if we factory-produce them, so you know what you're getting.

Now? NOW???

My oldest child is, as we type, eighteen years old and you're telling me that I could have SKIPPED all that and ended up with the same result, only more cautious behind the wheel of his pickup?

Don't you realize that the suicide rate of parents of teenagers is going to SKYROCKET when this news gets out?

Better buy those shares of stock in the funeral home industry RIGHT AWAY.


Cici <oh, the futility of it all> in Texas

From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
> My oldest child is, as we type, eighteen years old and you're telling me that I could have SKIPPED all that and ended up with the same result, only more cautious behind the wheel of his pickup?

There's a number you can call, 1-800- I forget the rest since I don't have kids myself and don't actually care... that you can call and get a Return Authorization number, then you pack the brats in a box and ship 'em off, and when they're processed[1] the company will send you your life back.


It's kinda surprising, though, how few people actually take advantage of this offer... they act, when it comes down to a choice, like their kids actually do matter to them! _That's_ not science!

Kevin "my irony indicator's broken" Kelley


[1] into cans labeled "Spam"
.

From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
>Don't you realize that the suicide rate of parents of teenagers is going to SKYROCKET when this news gets out?

Either that, or a sudden spike in the frequency of VERY late-term retroactive abortions, IYKWIM. Is a child of, say, fifteen really "viable"? I mean, would they really survive in the world without the constant support of parents? At what age does a teenager become a human being? These are questions for those more schooled in ethics than I, but personally I feel that retroactive abortion should be legal up to the age of 18; after that the child has a soul, and should not be killed casually.
.

From: cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas)
Hmmm. Define 'casually.'
.
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
While wearing a t-shirt and jeans, for instance. Above 18, formal dress is de rigeur.
.
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
>Better buy those shares of stock in the funeral home industry RIGHT AWAY.
I have the strait-jacket industry sewn up, and a stranglehold on noose stock.
.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
I made a killing on cyanide stocks.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like the almond flavor
.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
In other news, my Pfizer and Trojan stocks are way up.
.
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
I totally blew up the dynamite market.
.
From: Muffin Top <lib4s.bayou.uh.edu>
I made a lot of dough in the baking industry.
.
From: kmh4.pge.com (Ken Harlan)
I liquidated my water company holdings.
Ken "Interest rates are up! No, down! No, wait, up again!" Harlan
.
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
Great, but my Antarctic trusts are frozen solid.
.
From: Lurker Praps
I bought shares in a company offering Hyperdrive Shunts, but was prosecuted for Outsider Dealing.
.
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
I tried to buy shares in General Products, but the owners just left.
.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
I tried washing scrith in the bathtub, but it left a Ring.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas)
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999 04:02:28 GMT

Barry O'Neill tapped out:
>jevans.physics.uottawa.ca says...
>> JIM, actually when you're paranoid you suspect everything
>You're normal when you suspect everything; you're paranoid when you have the proof...


Butbutbut . . . somebody else told me that you're only paranoid if you insist that the total lack of proof only verifies the efficacy of the conspiracy.


Cici <okay, now I'm confused> in Texas


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 16:28:39 GMT

Michael Guenther <mbguenth.physics.purdue.edu> wrote:
> I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the International Communist Conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

Yeah. Damn perverts piss me off!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Devilled Eggs
From: Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: 3 Nov 1999 17:17:41 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Mike, the New Guy, said:
> >I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion, and the International Communist Conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
> Speak to the people on the JIMbot Project. JIM's the one "sapping" his precious bodily fluids for the sake of the Revolution. I can't speak for the purity. That is, the purity of the... nevermind.

Despite certain non-bot-generated stories to the contrary (and there has been a memo about that), no actual JIM's are being harmed in this project.

Although we have gotten letters from Greenpeace claiming that exposing the Teeming Millions to substandard humour is a form of animal cruelty.

Cheers,

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 99 17:15:20 GMT

hetta.saunalahti.fi "Henriette Kress" writes:
> So, what's my price?

Give us a clue: are we talking hands only, French lessons or all-nighter with accessories?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*-Nobody ever forced me to guess before--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 02:26:25 GMT

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> wrote:
>It's fixed, and I think you all know that OE5 is the worlds greatest newsreader. It has to be so, it's the one *I* use.

Right. OE5 is so great, Nobody uses it!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Nov 1999 05:09:26 GMT

Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> said:
> ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net wrote:
>> Uh-oh. I wasn't supposed to tell about that last one. I'll have to kill you all now. Please hold still and this won't hurt a bit.
>> [root.internet /root]#killall rhodents
>You *are* aware that the Internet doesn't run Linux yet? killall is rather more literal on other Unices. As I and a couple of my users discovered one day, much to our surprise.

Late the first night I finally got a new set of parallel daemons to run (only as user me for safety:), they hit some kind of error and so wrote a log message and then died. When the parent noticed the daemons were no longer running, it restarted 'em. Lather, rinse, repeat. So as the disk was filling up rapidly and I wasn't sure the name of the parent process or what processes would respond to which signal, I found a window on that machine and 'kill -9 -1'. The xterm disappeared, and the LCD load graph on the server went back to 0%. And then I couldn't log back in. And I noticed that all my NFS handles had gone stale. And I couldn't find my other telnet windows to that machine. Think Dan, *think*! What else were you doing at the time? You had just recently editted /etc/exports. But you'd have had to have been su root to...do...thatOH SHIT!

Glad no-one was running anything that night. Even *before* that:)

>-Lars "But it was *fast*" Clausen

Oh yeah. How come the "I've got a quick and simple solution" neurons are so much faster than the "am I about to do something really fscking stupid" ones?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies had always assumed the hyperactive ones would have been long ago killed off by alcohol


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com>
Date: Mon, 08 Nov 1999 03:36:32 GMT

Screwtape wrote in message ...
>Lars Clausen schrieb:
>> jevans.physics.uottawa.ca wrote:
>>> There's nothing worse than looking at a car in lynx only to see [INLINE] where it's licence plate should be.
>>"There is [INLINE] where a license plate should be" -- apologies to the ASR'er talking about heads'n stuff.
>If I ever get a car, [INLINE] is now on my list of potential vanity plates. Along with ZZ9-ZZA.

Best vanity plate I ever saw, not kidding: IB6 UB9.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 10:37:11 -0500

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
} Tom "Tom" Harrington said:
}; >better than Oklahoma's.
}; That'd be "Land of Losers"? Or is it "A Lousy Place to Visit"? :-)
}"Oklahoma is OK."

That's the most pathetic I've ever heard. Just imagine if the Canadian provinces did this...

British Columbia: "Yeah, Whatever"
Alberta: "Yep."
Sasakatchewan: "Flat, isn't it?"
Manitoba: "Mediocre Manitoba"
Ontario: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Quebec: "Quebec.. Ca va."
Newfoundland: "Newfoundland: A new-found land"
Nova Scotia: "Halifax: Open 9 AM-5 PM, Mon-Fri"
New Brunswick: "Maine's Next Door Neighbor"
Prince Edward Island: "It's an island surrounded entirely by water."

JIM, Yours to Discover, IYKWIM

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Georgia: "Named after George."
Alabama: "Named after Ali Baba."
Tennessee: "Land of Tuxedos."
Iowa: "Smells like pigs."
Florida: "The shape of things to come."
New Mexico: "No really, we DON'T need green cards."

(Actually saw a New Mexico plate the other day, and laughed when I realized it said, "New Mexico, USA.")


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Ben <latebird.usa.net>
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 22:42:52 -0600

> Iowa: "Smells like pigs."

Hey! There's corn, too!

> Florida: "The shape of things to come."
> New Mexico: "No really, we DON'T need green cards."

*Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
*Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
*Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
*Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
*California: As Seen on TV
*Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
*Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
*Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
*Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
*Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
*Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
*Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
*Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
*Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
*Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
*Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
*Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
*Maine: Cheap Lobster
*Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
*Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
*Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
*Minnesota: For Sale
*Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
*Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
*Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
*Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
*Nevada: Whores and Poker!
*New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
*New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
*New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
*New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
*North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
*North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
*Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
*Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
*Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
*Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
*Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
*South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
*South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
*Tennessee: The Educashun State
*Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
*Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
*Vermont: Yep
*Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
*Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
*Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
*West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
*Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
*Wyoming: Wynot?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1999 16:12:04 GMT

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>>It's better than ours... "The Spirit of Massachusetts". Still, that's better than Oklahoma's.
>That'd be "Land of Losers"? Or is it "A Lousy Place to Visit"? :-)

How about Kansas, "Flat as a Pancake"? Still not as bad as New Mexico's motto, "It Really Is a State!"

What's the worst state motto? Rhode Island springs to mind: "Too Small to Find On a Map". Also Arizona: "Home of Death Valley", Oregon: "Now Full. Go Home!", and Wisconsin: "Land of 10 Cheeses".


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com>
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 18:46:12 GMT

Jim Evans wrote in message ...
>}> JIM, Yours to Discover, IYKWIM
>}Um...you're flat and mostly white with blue letters and numbers? *boggle*
>Sadly, this is true.

At least that means you've been screwed four times.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 06:30:08 +0000

Also Sprach Paul:
> Screwtape:
> >The isles of langerhans, eh? Sounds like a nice place for a holiday. Is it warm there?
> Quite warm, actually, about 98.6 most days and nights.

When I were a lad we had none of this "98.6" nonsense. We had a temperature of 98.4 and we were proud.

Then along came this "Heinrich Celcius" chap (or was it "Francisco del Centigrade"?), and suddenly 98.4 isn't good enough. Oh no, we have to try and get up to 98.6!

The extra calories we have to burn every day to maintain that extra 0.2 of a degree is what's caused global warming, I swear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 08:14:02 -0600

Henriette Kress wrote:
} Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
} >Pooglian said:
} >; <yoink>
} >; >} He said it was 20cm across at its widest point and weighed 1.5 kilos, which is about 3 pounds. Corran and I figured this out to be roughly the equivalent of a milk bag, for those of you who live in proper places that have this civilized form of milk distribution.
} >; >Oh dear. Now you know that the folks who weren't around last time we had this discussion are going to boggle over the milk bags.
} >; Milk bags? *boggle*
} >Sure. A pair of them, carried by every woman on the planet. <duck>
} No no, those *jiggle*, they don't *boggle*.

As any male can tell you, it's a simple matter of cause and effect.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 13:07:32 +1100

Kimberly Chapman schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote in message ...
>>When was this, BTW? Statistically, I'm pretty sure I must have been around at the time, but I have no recollection of it.
>Maybe you were only reading selected threads, like I am now.

I doubt it. I've never selectively read rhod - I always read every article.

>It was a few months ago. I dunno. Go look it up on dejanews.

I'm not that fussed. I'll believe whatever I'm told.

From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
I am God.
.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
I just got an email from an unknown assailant [1], claiming the very same thing.
Does that mean you're both the same person?
Screwtape
[1] I asked him who he was, and he said "nobody knows".
.
From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
It's that whole three-persons-of-God thing, which means that out there somewhere is an omnipotent deity with MPD...
.
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
God! I thought you were dead!
Kevin "hope you don't want your planet back" Kelley
.
From: Lurker Praps
Ooh, ooh, me!
A standard house brick contains over fourteen thousand live siamangs.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 22:14:59 -0500

Lurker Praps wrote:
} Also Sprach Kimberly Chapman:
[snip]
} > Corran and I figured this out to be roughly the equivalent of a milk bag, for those of you who live in proper places that have this civilized form of milk distribution.
} I never saw a milk bag. Plenty of civilised cartons with little plastic screw-caps (as opposed to the nasty Tetrapaks we get here in Yurp, which are designed to spray 25% of its milky contents over a wide area when opened using the officially-described method), but no milk bags.
} I am therefore calling your bluff.

[JIM goes to the fridge, pulls out a 1.3 litre bag of milk, and holds it up in front of the monitor]

What's this, then? Scotch mist?

[ducks]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 07:35:36 +1100

Paul wrote:
> One of my favorites, right up there with Ian's Vaseline joke.

An uncharacteristically poor choice of words on your part [*], perhaps.

Ian.
[*] As it were.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Ian, one of these days, you're going to say something really mean to me, and then I'll say something mean to you, and then you'll say something mean back, and it will all end up with us sounding like a couple of guys from New York, yelling,

"Fuck you you fucking fuck!"
"Oh no, fuck YOU you fucking fuck."
"No, *I* said, FUCK YOU you fucking fuck!"
"Are you talkin' to ME? I said fuck YOU you fucking fuck of a fuck."

And so on.

Have we had this conversation before?
.

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
This is where the Vaseline comes in, right?
Screwtape,
I'll get the big bucket.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999 03:57:55 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Jeffrey Kaplan schrieb:
>>What does our Screwtape think of being used in such a manor?
>Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit, says that although Screwtape is pleased with the universal recognition of his adhesive qualities, he regrets the association in the public eye between himself, small rodents, and miscellaneous behaviour.

The Royal Navy also wishes to point out that there have been very few instances of cannibalism in the past year. Thank you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 11:37:51 -0600

Pooglian wrote:
} >I'll see your Eagles linebacker actually doing something right and raise you a quarterback in the sack.
} Nah, too easy.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of "Spot the Newbie!"

From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net>
Welcome to RHOD, Spot. What sort of weird parents did you have, giving you a dog's name?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Missing Oracle
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 1 Nov 1999 03:50:54 GMT

Otis Viles intoned:
>Well, I'm out of here again, you people had to ruin another good thread. You've got enough threads to cascade and such in, can't you just leave one alone?

We've crushed his gentle spirit.
You people should be ashamed of yourselves!
<whips cupcake at monitor>

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies do, milligram for milligram, the most half-assed job in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999 03:57:56 GMT

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>Somehow I missed the part where I became a supermodel. But that's OK, I kinda like it. I highly recommend it, in fact-- you get to have sex with a supermodel, after all.

Hate to tell you this, Tom "Tom", but it isn't called sex *with* a supermodel when you're alone in the house.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Tue, 02 Nov 1999 03:57:57 GMT

"tim wren" <tim.thewrens.freeserve.co.uk.nospam> wrote:
>Someone who had little better to do sent me one of those rag-mag "humor" lists [1] which, intriguingly, included Lieberman's law: "Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."

(Snip long list. There should be some Kelvin Throop in there.)

>Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Buckaroo Banzai.

Here's another --

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 08:09:26 -0700

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
> >Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> said:
> >> Good question, dear supplicant-cum-cow-cum-Oracle.
> >I find it pretty surprising that nobody's had anything to say about THAT particular juxtaposition.
> >Kevin "maybe it's just too obvious and we're all sophisticated now" Kelley
> Yeah, and maybe I've grown a third penis. Or maybe we're all behind in our news-readin' at the moment. Ordinarily I would say "Occam's Razor could be used in this situation," but I don't have much faith in #2 coming out first.

Why would you want a third penis? You've only got two hands.


Kevin, wondering who shaves Occam's barber


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ravenous Rats
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 15:46:28 -0500

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
}Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
}>tim wren wrote:
}>> Lars Clausen wrote ...
}>> > -Lars "Viscious litter buggers, ain't they? And just because you fucked them blue." Clausen
}>> Dou you mean viscous? - can't be likely though - then they'd be gummy bares ...
}>Gummy bares or bears in gum-trees?
}So there's been a bear that's wandered into populated areas around Philly lately. Thrice they've captured it and released it away from people. Then it comes back again, and they somehow scare it enough that it climbs up a tree. So they shoot it with a tranquilizer. The passed-out bear then falls out of the tree, and dies a day later from resulting injuries.

The bear wasn't named "Chet Baker" was it?

}Whatever govt division(s) were responsible are now *shocked* that 1) the bear fell, 2) and died, and 3) and people are upset about how the situation was handled.

Obviously they didn't take it far enough away. What, were they just driving it to the city limits, handing it five bucks, and driving off?

}Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree...

... singing "My Funny Valentine"...

}dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are king of, milligram for milligram, the largest bush in the universe

s/the universe/bed/

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 15:48:36 -0500

Jim Deutch wrote:
}Jason Willoughby wrote in message ...
}>now. rhod should gain another newbie somewhere inside a month, let me know what you think. Further down the road, I've got some ideas for rigging up question/answer pairs and posting them as faked sore losers...
}I've posted here three times, I think, but only the first one got any reply and it wasn't funny. Do I still count as a newbie?

Depends, are you still using your fingers?

JIM, thank you! I'll be here all week!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Lurker Praps
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 06:56:08 +0000

Also Sprach Scott Draper:
> Rhod has too many injokes :) Part of the problem is we had the in-joke frequency set too high, and it tried to load too many into the buffer at once. I think time-since-last-usage is probably a better idea than simple frequency-of-use. It makes for less repetitive posts. It's one of the things we're going to implement when we overhaul the engine next month.

Trouble with time-since-last-usage is that, as more bots come on-line[0] there is a risk that the In-Joke Usage Timers will synch, and we'll have multiple bots posting identical in-jokes synchroniciously, resetting their counters all of a once, and then (at the elapsitation of the appropriately-parametered wait-time) all doing the same thing all over again, with maybe a few variations and modifications that result from the regional and cultural differences of the bots posting.

Unless a random.wait can be introduced over-and-above-and-just-to-the- left-of-with-maybe-a-bit-behind-as-well the std.wait we'll end up with a floodification of the things with monogamous regulicity.

Frequency-based usage, however, allows more variations to result from Usenet factors such as newsswerver and local retention, dodgy newsfeeds with missing posts, etc.

[0] Feel free to misinterpret and selectively quote. I'm feeling magnanimous[1]

[1] See [0]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 09:25:09 -0700

Lurker Praps said:
> Trouble with time-since-last-usage is that, as more bots come on-line[0] there is a risk that the In-Joke Usage Timers will synch, and we'll have multiple bots posting identical in-jokes synchroniciously, resetting their counters all of a once, and then (at the elapsitation of the appropriately-parametered wait-time) all doing the same thing all over again, with maybe a few variations and modifications that result from the regional and cultural differences of the bots posting.

* Note to the JIMbot engineering team: I believe IEEE 802.3-style collision detection, with random backoff, may be applicable here. Unfortunately this means the bots will need to actually monitor the stream for content matches, rather than simply posting blind.

Possibly a modification to NNTP, adding a "Content-summary" header the value of which is a 32-bit key uniquely identifying the semantic content of the post*, would help. JIMbot collision-detection algorithm then would need only the headers, rather than article bodies; this would significantly speed hit detection and proportionately increase maximum bot posting frequency. Who wants to write the RFC?

* 4 billion different posts is way overkill, of course; four dozen would probably be enough. But let's leave room for the intelligence of the net to grow.

> Unless a random.wait can be introduced over-and-above-and-just-to-the-left-of-with-maybe-a-bit-behind-as-well the std.wait we'll end up with a floodification of the things with monogamous regulicity.

Don't floodificate the monogamizers! They hate that.

> Frequency-based usage, however, allows more variations to result from Usenet factors such as newsswerver and local retention, dodgy newsfeeds with missing posts, etc.
> [0] Feel free to misinterpret and selectively quote. I'm feeling magnanimous[1]

I got slapped last time I tried that.


Kevin "wait, that was ignominious, not magnanimous. I can't keep these dwarves straight" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Orrie's Advice to the Lovelorn
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 16:28:40 GMT

pooga.home.com.RemoveThis (Pooglian) wrote:
> kmh4.pge.com (Ken Harlan) seemed to say:
>>Just another example of where size does not matter.
>Really? Well then, I'm in there!

Oh, is *that* why they call you Justin?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hidy, y'all
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 14:00:17 +1100

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> wrote:
>Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) said:
>> > cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
>> > >Cici <anybody wanna adopt a kitten?> in Texas
>> > No, thanks, I'm trying to cut down.
>> How do you get down from a kitten?
>You don't. You get down from a elephant.

ObPointlessStoryFromMyPast:

The first time I heard that joke (no, not *that* joke, the original), I didn't get it. I just thought it was the most splendid nonsense, and loved it. So I rush to my parents, and say "How do you get off an elephant? You don't, you get off a duck! BWAHHAAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHA!", immensely pleased with myself.

They started laughing quite hard as well, which I was pleased with - that kind of humour isn't usually considered sane in most company. Then, after my paroxysms of laughter had died down, I discovered what they were *really* laughing at.

Screwtape,
I dunno, maybe you had to be there.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hidy, y'all
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Sat, 06 Nov 1999 19:32:14 -0700

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
> You are at the beach. A large number of nude Barbies are milling about. There is a black unmarked McDonald-Douglas helicopter here. There is Kevin Kelley and a puddle here.

I just want to say, I'm not responsible for that puddle. 'scuse me while I zip up.


Kevin "hadn't even noticed it actually" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 03 Nov 1999 07:43:43 +1100

Cici in Texas wrote:
> Anyway, this past weekend, we went through our annual autumnal silliness of setting our clocks back one hour which supposedly somehow Saves Daylight. Where the daylight gets saved, for what purposes it is saved, or where it can be redeemed for valuable prizes is not revealed. (Do people in other countries have to do this dumb stuff?)

Yes, we've just put ours forward. It's now 16 hours time difference from here to east coast USA and 19 to west coast. In other words, we will be in the year 2000 *long* before you lot. I suppose that makes us the canary in the Y2K mine - remember us fondly when we're gone.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 01:12:55 +1100

Donald Welsh schrieb:
>Have you heard that Tonga is going on to daylight savings early so it can be the first nation to see Jan. 1, 2000?

Heck, if they can do that, I'll set my calendar forward a few months and be the first person in the world to see Y2K.

Screwtape,
Who hopes that's all he'll see.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 15:58:40 -0700

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Rats are fun
> Rats are cute
> Rats are very clean to boot

Rats are fun
Rats are cute
Rats are running up the chute.

Rats run up
Rats slide down
Wonder why these rats are brown?


Kevin "mmm, rats!" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net>
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 13:39:41 GMT

Nobody Knows wrote:
> Rats are fun
> Rats are cute
> Rats are very clean to boot

Open cages?
Rats deployed!
Peaceful nations?
Rats destroy!!
Seeking power?
They devise!
Domination?
Multiply!!
Interregnum?
For a while!
Subjugation?
By and by!!
There's a problem?
Realized!
Rats in power?
Well-supplied!!
Dressed as humans?
In disguise!
A take-over?
Is denied!!
The plan failed?
Lost empire!
Back to the cage?
Reconspire!!
You are my pet?
You'll be sig'd yet!
Like ghotis, brsffs,
and Jim's french fry.

Thank you, thankyouverymuch. I'll be here all week.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Cyn<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
---------------------------------------------------------

With respect to text written herein,
any representation to any person any
place, any way, shape or form, alive
or dead, well-versed or well-read, a
personified portrayal or exemplified
hero, a nebulous, necromancing nymph
or boisterous, bohemian blimp, is in
any way, shape or form, entirely and
completely unintentional on my part.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 07:28:25 +1100

Donald Welsh wrote:
> cclovis.mindspringnospam.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
> >Anyway, this past weekend, we went through our annual autumnal silliness of setting our clocks back one hour which supposedly somehow Saves Daylight.
> And fades the curtains, according to some in Queensland.

And in yet another story from Queensland (true, I saw the published letter), a woman wrote to her local paper complaining about daylight savings time. Her problem was that her husband always had an, um, er, tumescence, at about the same time every morning, and that if the clocks changed it would happen on the bus and possibly endanger or frighten young schoolgirls.

Signed her full name too, just in case nobody knew who her husband was.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1999 16:28:45 GMT

An explanation for non-Oz readers of the froup [0]: supplying one's full name and address in a letter to the editor is a requirement of publication. This is because of a strange Strine law called the Electoral Act. [1]


[0] Both of you.

[1] You have Sodomy Statues, we have Erectoral Axe.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1999 07:36:25 +1100

An explanation for Oz readers of the froup: the requirement of the Electoral Act as I understand it is that you must supply your full name and address, if the letter concerns an *election.* Although on reflection, you are probably right: the story I told concerns an erection in Queensland, the most heavily Japanese-frequented state in Australia. So your comment is applicable after all.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 22:57:45 -0500

Kevin Kelley wrote:
[snip MANLY test]
}I've also (as far as I know) never had sex with a lesbian, which is worth 20 points; and I haven't been returning Cindy Crawford's calls so I couldn't claim the bonus for her.
}What else was in there? I got most of the 'wild animals' and 'fighting' and 'sleeping with whoever lets you' stuff... unfortunately Cindy Crawford doesn't hang around here... I guess if I were to knock her up and if she were gay (to get the 'sleep with a lesbian' points), and I subsequently get run over a few times, I could come close to maxing the stud score.
}I'm hoping that all this effort and destructive-lifestyle stuff actually is making me more attractive to women.
}Ah well. So the test is biased against people that don't personally sleep with Cindy Crawford; what's new? So is life.

[checks daytimer] Er, um... yep! Scott's got her pencilled in for 3:30 Friday.

This time I'm locking Dipsy and Po in a closet, though.

JIM, or rather, my namesake is.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 14:46:41 -0500

Nobody Knows wrote:
}Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
[snip]
}> Since I never bother looking at headers until after I read the posts, I was fooled into thinking this was another DMP post (until I got to the bottom). No, no humor. I just thought I'd point that out.
}I've had stitches way more than twice, but I suppose you've read that by now.
}Damn, don't you people ever do anything risky?

I posted to alt.2600 once...

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 20:41:02 +1000

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
<folklore snipped>
> Signed her full name too, just in case nobody knew who her husband was.

Heh
In Queensland, we use tooth, nail, and weird folk myth to resist attempts by the lesser States to impose their evils on us. Bjelke Joe taught us well.

We don't want daylight saving because:

  • Lawn grows too fast.
  • Cows go off milk, hens wont lay etc.
  • Curtains, as they say, fade.
  • Higher risk of skin cancer due to extra sunlight.
  • More thunderstorms.
  • Less time for er.. procreative activities.

We do admit to some advantages, such as a slowing down of the rate of the rise of ocean levels due to increased evaporation. The disadvantage are just too overwhealming, though.

--
GW De Lacey
Who, with his liver and white English springer spaniel, has recently taken up residence a few k's north of the NSW border, which should make for some interesting body clock adjustments.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 11:42:56 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
}GW De Lacey schrieb:
}<snip The Truth about Queenslanders>
}Well, whaddaya know. We Aussies have our own little social substrata that we can use for recycling blond/Irish/Polish/$ETHNIC jokes.
}So, how do you confuse a Queenslander?

Ask him to put the M&M's in alphabetical order?

JIM, s/Queens/Newfound/


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Richard Fitzpatrick <fitzmor.your.finger.webone.com.au>
Date: 9 Nov 1999 02:14:08 -0800

Corran said on Tue, 09 Nov 1999 04:10:56 GMT
>thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org wrote:
>> Pooglian schrieb:
>> >What if I think I am a Turing Machine?
>> I don't know if I'm a Turing Machine dreaming I am a human, or I dreamt I was a Turing Machine!
>Well obviously you're a butterfly.

And there was *no* metamorphosis.

>> Screwtape,
>> Who wants an ice-cream koan.
>Mu
>Corran
>(who dislikes ice-cream)

That's tough in urban America. Almost as bad as loving ice-cream but being lactose intolerant.

Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti lobbies for more equitable treatment of minority sugars.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 22:52:06 +1000

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> wrote:
> So, how do you confuse a Queenslander?

Queenslanders are genteel folk, very much at home watching Verdi Opera or discussing the finer points of rocket science. We try to deal charitably with those unfortunates whose birthplace disallows them the right to be counted as one of us. For some reason though, our superiority does not appear to be widely known among those we fondly know as 'cockroaches' and 'Mexicans', who live south of our border. These folk see us as a rather wild lot with missing limbs from crocodile attacks and constant dizzy spells from snakebite.

Being the astute breed that we are, we exploit this image to the fullest. Thus we have promoted Queensland as a desirable destination for the adventurer, much like the Belgian Congo or the jungles of the Amazon once were. We deliberately hide the fact that it is difficult to find a place that is out of sight of a large concrete and plastic high rise resort, and promote our wilderness as a place where only the strongest survive. Though successful in the primary goal, which is to remove as much money as possible from these suck... er customers, some of the side effects of this enterprise can be a little amusing.

One morning, Sergeant Mc Duff, of the Home Hill police, received a call from Bill Porter, who owns Inkerman Station (Ranch) some 60 miles south of Home Hill. Bill was very upset. He had discovered his prize Zebu bull, recently imported at great cost from India, shot dead in the paddock. Its head was missing. Sergeant Mc Duff promised to keep his eyes open. The Zebu is best described as a larger version of the Brahman, which is best described as a very much larger version of your standard cow. It is very much uglier than your standard cow.

About an hour after the phone call, a large overweight chap wearing gaiters and a pith helmet bounded up the stairs of the Police Station and inquired happily as to the whereabouts of a photographer and a Justice of the Peace (Notary Public?). Sgt Mc Duff supplied the information, explaining that he was a JP, and enquired as to why the chap required these things. The guy replied that he had just shot the biggest buffalo anyone had ever seen, and wanted to be photographed with the head, which was in the boot of his car, and wanted a signed deposition that it was he who had shot it. Sgt Mc Duff asked if he could see the head, and the fellow happily led him out to the car, which had NSW number plates.

On seeing the head, Sgt Mc Duff told the fellow that he would use the police camera to take the photograph, and he would be happy to witness the affidavit.

It turned into a very expensive hunting trip. The bull was worth something in the low six figures.



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