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1999 10 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 23:40:51 +1100

>>>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if there's anyone who *doesn't* read asbhd-t
>>I don't. I have no idea what you're talking about.
>You haven't heard of alt.sex.bestiality.hamsters.duct-tape?

That I *have* heard of. For some reason, the fact was banished to the lower echelons of the furthest recesses of the darkest nooks of the most secretive crannies of my mind. I can't think why.

From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Making room for a few more digits of pi, probably.

>Henriette (Uh-oh. Now we'll have to take away your RHOD membership card.)

Not such a bad thing. I mean, the embarassment of accidentally showing it when I'm supposed to show my train concession card is bad enough, but the rhod logo prominently displayed (including prominent motifs of boobs, todgers, and small rodents) makes it all the worse. The ticket vendor is convinced I'm trying to co-opt him into some kind of cult.

Oh good lhord, I hope you didn't show him the secret handshake...
JIM, you can get arrested for doing that in public

The fact that every night I play subliminal messaging tapes outside his bedroom window has nothing to do with it.

Who's just been reading Red Meat.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 08:13:00 GMT

dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>I don't. I have no idea what you're talking about.
>That's *right*. TINasbhd-t.

Nah, nah, you just have to ask your ISP to carry it.

Henriette (Please post their reply to RHOD. Thanks.)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 19:34:51 -0500

Tim Chew wrote:
} Dave Hemming did thusly type:
} >It's worth reading up on Usenet History, since mentioning some obscure point of it pretty much guarantees that David Sewell will digest you. Oops... Did I say that out loud?
} Okay, let's get this straight. David Sewell will digest you if you bring up the arcane history of usenet. I'll digest you, if you pander to my ego.
} Any other hints (read: stereotypes)?

Otis is a sucker for programming language and editor puns.

From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
That's a dangerous row you're hoeing. If we stereotype the priesthood's foibles in such a fashion, we'll see a deluge of answers attempting to incorporate hysterically funny yet short punnish Usenet history parodies that stroke your ego while explaining some everyday occurrence in a Weird Science way involving Zadoc and custard.

And nobody wants that. Except the priests, obviously.

From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
>Otis is a sucker for programming language and editor puns.
This is interesting. What am I perceived as?

From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>

He is a Priest Australian,
And he stoppeth one of thee.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

Now, Orrie's doors are opened wide,
And I am next to ask;
The lurkers met, the queue is set:
May'st hear old Orrie's task?'

He holds him with his surgeon's hand,
'There was a 'chuck,' quoth he.
'Hold off! unhand me, grey-beard loon!'
And so his hand dropt he.

He held me with his glittering eye--
The Rhodites all stood still,
And listened like a three years' child:
The 'Stralian hath his will.

The Rhodites all sat on a stone:
They cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that Priestly man,
The bright-eyed 'Stralian.

'The 'chuck was cheered, the question cleared.'
And quickly we all got
Behind the wall, below the hill,
Before the lightning zot.

Orrie came up upon the left,
Out of the dark came he!
And he shone bright, and on the right
Went down again to pee.

Lisa hath paced into the hall,
And as a hope enthralls
Nodding their heads before her go
Og and the Neanderthals.

The Rhodites all they beat their breasts,
Yet they cannot choose but hear;
And thus spake on that Priestly man,
The bright-eyed 'Stralian.

And now the ZOT-BLAST came, and it
Was tyrannous and strong:
It struck and singed the 'chuck's own fur
And chased us too, along.

At length did cross an Albatross,
And Monty was it's name.
We hailed the vendor: "Oi there, mate!
What flavour is that game?"

"It's Albatross, ya bleedin' fool
I s'pose you'll want to know
If wafers come within it too"
He said that just for show.

'God save thee, Priest Australian!
From the fiends, that plague thee thus!--
Why look'st thou so?'--With my cross-bow
I shot the Albatross.

Orrie now rose upon the right:
Out of the dark came he,
Still hid in mist, and on the left
Went down again to pee.

And I had done a hellish thing,
And it would work 'em woe:
For all averred, I had killed the bird
And spilled the queue, you know.

We're stuck, all sups and questions;
Day after day, all day,
As busy as a bumblebee
well, half-one, anyway.

Questions, questions, every where,
And all the brains did shrink;
Questions, questions, every where,
Nor any time to think.

The 'Stralian, whose eye is bright,
Whose beard with age is hoar,
Is not at all predictable
As we submit once more.

He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn:
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.

Apologies to Samuel Coleridge

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: m.pack.... (Lurker Praps)
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 05:31:38 +0100

Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
> "Academias Neutronium".

Spent some time spamming alt.fan.warlord a couple of months ago. The conclusion drawn at the time was that he/she was an Eliza on steriods.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: "Jim Deutch" <103134.3516.compuserve.com>
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 15:51:18 -0400

My favorite McElwaine quote:

..."McMurdo sound, 400 miles west of the south pole"...

appeared in the HOLLOW EARTH ! post. McElwaine forges ahead into unclaimed geographies! No trubba! West is to the LEFT!!!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 534-06
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 12:35:57 -0600

gnohmon8715.my-deja.com said:
> I was sort of hoping for a followup that said for me the golden age was around some-number, and here are some of my special favorites.

The expression "herding squirrels" comes to mind.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 534-06
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 99 16:31:33 GMT

gnohmon8715.my-deja.com writes:
> I was sort of hoping for a followup that said for me the golden age was around some-number

I suspect we all view the time we started on the Oracle as its high point (the 700s, in my case), after which it went inexorably downhill. Of course, much the same could be said for Rhod - let's face it, the place is nowhere near as funny as it was three years ago when a much greater proportion of the posts were written by me. But I digress.

Actually, the statistics are not terribly kind to the 500 vintage; I refer you to my table published here back in March and reproduced by Henriette on the Best of Rhod page for that month. Counting 4.0s upwards, the 500s are outdone by the 700s and 800s and equalled even by the upstart 1000s. Including 3.9s fractionally improves their standing, thought they are still thrashed hollow by the 700s. Bearing in mind that all subsequent digest centuries had a (sometimes much) greater population of voters to contend with, I think recent incarnations and supplicants may hold their heads high on Saint Crispin's Day.

> and here are some of my special favorites.

Personal favourites are inevitably idiosyncratic (I have a soft spot for #748-06 - I have no idea why since I hate bridge and it wasn't written by Dave Sewell), so here instead is a modest proposal for an all-time top 10 based on judgement rather than raw voting (#176-02, with a pathetic four votes, never had any business being up there in the first place). Figures in round brackets are the scores, those in square brackets the actual position in the top 100:

1. #83-01 (n.a.) [n.a.] Creation budget: best biblical answer (*)
2. #135-08 (4.6) [5] Magic v science: majestically wacko
3. #202-06 (4.6) [2] You gave me a shitty answer: best Ascii art answer
4. #293-03 (4.5) [10] The lama and the hot dog vendor: best Zen answer
5. #340-10 (4.5) [8] When, where, how, etc: best one-liner
6. #365-10 (4.6) [3] Mean Mr Metric: IMO the best of them all
7. #516-05 (4.3) [31] What is it: hell, who needs a reason?
8. #638-08 (4.2) [44] Mexican spring break: most fondly remembered and oft quoted of all
9. #834-10 (4.2) [38] Windows Data: best Star Trek parody and not bad Micro$oft gibe (though #733-02 and #805-06 were better in this respect)
10. #1075-10 (4.3) [20] Groundhog day: obviously, because it's mine^Wthe first one to make it into the top 20 in many, many years, and it achieved this distinction despite being handicapped by at least twice as many votes as any other, and also, er... Oh alright, because it's mine.

(*) Assuming it's original (I have a sneaking suspicion I've seen something like it elsewhere) - otherwise insert #460-05 as the best biblical answer instead.

Of these, #135-08, #293-03, #365-10 and #638-08 are indisputable classics. By all means dispute any of the others if you feel that way inclined.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*----*---*--4.9s? I see no 4.9s!---

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 534-06
From: dsew.packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)
Date: 14 Oct 1999 06:01:16 GMT

Richard Wilson <Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>I suspect we all view the time we started on the Oracle as its high point (the 700s, in my case), after which it went inexorably downhill. Of course, much the same could be said for Rhod -

Rhod nothing. You've just described the human condition.

>Personal favourites are inevitably idiosyncratic (I have a soft spot for #748-06 - I have no idea why since I hate bridge and it wasn't written by Dave Sewell)

True of so much scripture, alas. In fact, sometimes I think even I am apocryphal.

From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Oh, I doubt that.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 534-06
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 14:58:03 -0400

On Thu, 14 Oct 1999, Richard Wilson wrote:
> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk--
> -And what was Jeremiah up to with Balaam's ass in his spring break?-

I think that question answers itself.

JIM, using North American definitions, of course

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gizwick's Law
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 1999 11:03:26 -0600

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) said:
> Whereas Godwin's Law never seems to work in rhod, I have discovered a sure-fire method of killing a thread in its tracks: write a little play using sperm cells as characters. It seems the "Now!" thread is dead, dead, dead, and I killed it. I'm so proud. [sniffle]

Do you ever get the feeling you've said something so incredibly witty and clever that other participants can only stand around quietly, in awe? For that one you'd have reason.

I get that feeling myself pretty often, but when they do it to me I'm pretty sure it's usually more fear and disgust, than awe. That's okay, though; if my 6 billion subjects can't love me at least they'll fear me.

Kevin, taking off his "emperor of the universes" hat

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gizwick's Law
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 1999 12:48:36 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> > Kevin, taking off his "emperor of the universes" hat
> How did you get to be emperor of the universes then? By exploiting the working class, and taking advantage of our stated imperlistic dogma.

Well, when I found out that getting oral sex regularly was one of the prerogatives of a world leader I figured it'd be a good time to put in my application. I took a number of tests: personality tests, IQ tests, fertility tests, even one where I had to whack a certain number of moles in 60 seconds; also I submitted my amazingly high scores from Sid Meyer's Civilization and Alpha Centauri. Shortly after going through this rigorous selection process I received a registered letter, the mail carrier made me sign for it, that said I'd been ranked at overlord level and could have my choice of postings, and also that I could order a subscription to my choice of interesting magazines.

I thought Playboy sounded interesting, I certainly enjoy games, so I sent back the enclosed prepaid reply envelope. Also I checked the "I wanta be kingada world!" box. Only a few short weeks later, I received a package, federal express, that contained a genuine gold-plated crown and a certificate to hang on my wall, proclaiming me the emperor of all the universes. Also there was a letter enclosed, which assured me that my name had been entered in the rolls as "Kevin Kelley the MCMVXIV, emperor of the known universes until further notice", and that I was eligible for the 10 million dollar sweepstakes, and I could order another magazine if I wanted.

So I figured if I'm emperor now, I need a better pad, and then I noticed a magazine for high-rolling apartment dwellers, Penthouse, was one of the available choices, so I sent in that reply envelope too. I'm still waiting for news about the sweepstakes, but I'm assured my chances are good.

Kevin "the magazines weren't quite what I expected; what are these creatures?" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gizwick's Law
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 99 16:29:40 GMT

brightredfish.mindspring.com "Paul" writes:
> Heck, let's try it out. I'll "dangle the cascade bait" right now:
> (Okay, somebody say, "I see your dangling cascade bait, and...")

... and I discreetly draw your attention to the fact that your flies are undone.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-I don't do cascades, I just do knob jokes, okay?--

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Gizwick's Law
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 12:14:41 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> > Gee, usually when people profess their deep undying obsession with me they're getting ready to throw themselves in front of a train or something to prove it. Not that I'm suggesting you throw yourself in front of a train, mind you; that would be a thing you did entirely on your own, something you thought of without any help from me as a way of demonstrating the life-changing effect I've had on you. I'd certainly remember you fondly, though.
> No, my deep undying obsession usually culminates in me removing some of the choice parts from your corpse and taking them home for piercing and decorating. Then I hang them on the fence and remember you fondly as the crows carry those parts away (in some sort of ascension rite).

Okay, so now that I've thrown you under a train and you've fed me to the crows, I guess all that's left is to get matching tattoos. We could go for something bloody and violent, but I'm thinking sexy would be better, so I suggest a profile of Margaret Thatcher (in her early years). Yeah, that'd be hot, Maggie peeking out at the world from my groin.

Kevin "hopefully she won't look like Willie Nelson" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: gotta go for a bit
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 17:51:28 GMT

Nol Smi wrote:
> (Matt Kerbel) rose to the occasion and blurted out :
> > Underpaid Artiscyn said:
> >> Hey, I once knew a guy (very briefly) who had somehow managed to get the section of his intestine that had been removed in an operation bronzed.
> >I just *know* there's a limerick in there somewhere, but I can't seem to find it. Was his name "Nolan"?
> I don't think so.
> Nol "intestinally challenged ^Wcomplete" Smi

I once knew a guy, name of Nolan
Whose intestines don't quite reach his colon
When attempting to fart
He will bronze the wrong part
And then wind up discolored and swollen.

-- Al "Oh yeah? Let's see you do better with that material!" Sharka

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: gotta go for a bit
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 08:16:40 +1000

Nol Smi wrote:
> I was working with the last (punch) line of "Alas he was intestinally challenged" but could not think of a decent rhyme with challenged (pillaged, revenged, tallented, galliant) aaahhhrrrgghhh!!! So I give up. You win. Now, there will be no more limericks using the subject of Nolan or a bronzed intestine.

"Alas he was intestinally challenged"
Said Nolan, while giving the phalange
To rhod, but the latter
Who really knew better
Said, "I dunno, how about 'orange'?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 08:27:23 +1000

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> This is all well and good, but for permanent elevation to some pantheon or other, let's see 'im rhyme "silver".

A challenge to make rhymes for "silver?"
"My racing heart, be still! For
It cannot be done!
My race has been run!"
Now I have something to kill fer.

Ian, whose orange limerick never seemed to make it to Deja.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Challenging Ian
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 10:20:38 -0600

Adam James Fitzpatrick <afitzpat.mail.usyd.edu.au> said:
> Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> wrote:
> >Let's see 'em do bastard.
> Mutter mutter something plastered.

I thought there were rhymes he'd not mastered,
But silver and orange, both, he plastered
with vigor and vim
(it was easy for him)
You know he's a rank utter bastard.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: a bit of nostalgia
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 20:47:29 -0600

Ya know, I've been working for myself, independent, for like forever now, but I still can remember the time before forever, when I had a real job, working in a real building for a real company. And there's one thing I miss from those days, an enjoyment I got from that time which isn't available to me now.

I'm speaking of stair-skiing, of course.

For those who don't know what stair-skiing is, I'll explain. You need a nice long staircase; put your feet so that one heel is beside the other toe, soles of your feet angled down to match the angle of descent of the stairs, and keeping your legs stiff just let yourself go. Whee! Whoosh! Ignore the receptionist at the desk that's looking at you like you're crazy; SHE'll never have this much fun. Make sure you don't let your toes catch; you might have a nasty accident.

When you're good you can add to the excitement by assuming an interesting pose: imagine you're Batman, for example, and fold your arms and keep your face stern as you descend on your bat-skis to the bad guy's dungeon. Or picture Fred Astaire (a stair, isn't that cute?) with a happy smile doing fancy moves for Ginger. The possibilities are endless, and you'll find that you can quite easily immunize yourself against the craziness of the corporate existence by doing a little bit of stair-skiing now and again.

But I have no stairs any more; I work quietly and calmly in a single-story home, and this joy is now denied to me. Oh, I know I could go downtown and visit tall buildings to ski down their stairs, but I don't, because that would be weird.

Kevin "not responsible for any accidents" Kelley

ps. Don't try this wearing heels.

pps. Weird?! Admit it, you've tried it yourself. And if you haven't, you should.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net>
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 13:52:04 -0500

Kevin Kelley wrote:
>So I think that "evolution is just a theory" is one of those whataya-call'ems, argument by misdirection, an attempt to discredit it by redefining some words to be weaker than they are. Personally I think that "xxx is just a theory" is an indication that the speaker is not smart enough to be worth arguing with.

Exactly. I know for a fact that XXX is not just a theory. I have rented the tapes. I have also been in the theater, too.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More info on Joel Furr
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 15:49:05 GMT

Jim Evans wrote:
> Screwtape wrote:
>> Hi.. just on a whim I did a google search on Joel Furr, and found the Joel Furr FAQ.. a humorous read if you've a bit of time on your hands..
>> http://www.faqs.org/faqs/joel-furr/faq/
>To borrow a phrase from afda, this is the most colossal pile of wank I've read in a long time.

Yikes. No kidding.

I think the fact that this document exists at all goes a long way toward explaining the way Furr is remembered in RHOD, by those who have been around long enough to remember him here. I was going to make some comments on the few categories that I could be bothered to read, but it's not worth it. Except to note that there seems to be a fair amount of bias and creative omission.

One thing left out was Furr's encounters with RHOD. In a nutshell, he arrived here one day and began denouncing all of us for failing to entertain him sufficiently, and handing down his own laws on how we should interact with the Oracle. And I mean _laws_, since there was, in his mind, an Inspector Javert-like conviction that any variation from this was essentially total evil. We essentially told him that he was a wanker in even more need of a life than us, and that his lame lemur jokes in his incarnations had not reached an appreciative audience. This only encouraged him. Soon he began appearing in Oracularities, in rather less than flattering roles. See the following (a thousand thanks to Ross for his search engine):

751-04 (Joel Furr's curse on the Oracle)
755-03 (In which Orrie kills Joel in a most dramatic manner)
778-02 ("Is there anything you can do to make Joel Furr quit griping?")
778-10 (Joel Furr school of Oracularities, which is a fair summary of Joel's RHOD attitude),
788-04 ("How much fur would Joel Furr fir if Joel could fir fur?")
780-03 ("Old King Joel was a merry old soul...", in which Orrie congratulates RHOD on making a ZOT unnecessary)

That pretty much covers those that _focus_ on Furr; there are a few others with unflattering mentions tossed into an otherwise Furr-free answer. For example, 781-09, which includes:

} Many supplicants find the Usenet Oracle _______; however, there are a
} few who are _________.
} A. witty; zotted
} B. boring; amazed
} C. weird; weird
} D. with great difficulty; smart enough to figure it out
} E. fun; Joel Furr

Eventually he went away, and there was much rejoicing. Fortunately his significance as an in-joke has since diminished. More details are no doubt available from deja.com.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Felching or squicking, which is more oogy?
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 13:32:24 +0100

asharka.yahoo.com says...
> In an ahbou post today, there's a rather graphic poem on felching. This concept oogs me out worse than the thought of squicking, so I immediately thought rhodites would like to add it to their vocabulary. Right up our alley, so to speak.

This would be (something like) a straw poll then?



From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
No offense, Barry, but that sucked.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: m.pack.... (Lurker Praps)
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 05:30:22 +0100

Also Sprach Nobody Knows:
> British people talk funny.


Merkins are invariably illiterate.

From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
What'd he say?

From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Who cares, he's British.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'...
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 15:19:15 +0100

ParisBeach.CapsuleTech.com says...
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > Aren't they dried and used in Chinese medecine?
> Is there *anything* that isn't dried and used in Chinese medicine?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 534-06
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 22:37:04 GMT

Dave Hemming wrote:
> Matt Kerbel wrote:
>>Dave Hemming writes:
>>> Personally, I love it. I won 3 games in a row this afternoon. Woohoo!
>>Which room(s) do you play in, Dave?
>Keep it Clean, 30-Somethings 2. It's a good crowd. Two nights ago, I turned up and made an offhand emote where I referred to myself in the third person (i.e. "Waylight waggles _his_ eyebrows") and discovered that the other 12 players were women. Liquored-up, flirtatious women.

Oh, yeah, like I'm just SO sure, uh-huh. I bet they all looked just like supermodels and were extremely horny, too.

From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
On the Internet, no one knows you're a horny supermodel.

From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
*sshhhh* Tom's trying to keep it a secret.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies saw the web-cam

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 15:20:11 -0600

Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) said:
> Y'know, guys, it's not that I mind you having a serious discussion about Darwinism versus creation science in rhod, but could somebody, like, change the subject line? I mean - really! - you're doing it in a thread devoted to the Igs and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, that's just plain... sacrilegious.

So your complaint is that the subject under discussion isn't properly straying from the thread title? That's a valid criticism.

...but I'm sorry, the complaints counter is closed for lunch.

Kevin Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:54:11 -0700

Lane Gray, Czar Castic <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
> Can someone prove to me that God didn't create it all, using the Big Bang and evolution?

On the outskirts of Yazoo, Mississippi, in a small beat-up old shack, on the edge of lake choked with water lilies and swarming with best tasting bass you ever ate, there is a little crippled-up old man with skin like leather, hair like a brillo pad, a voice like a rasp, and milky white eyes.

On rainy nights, when the wind blows and lightening makes the bass jump out of the lake in fear, this wizened old man dons a hat made of foul smelling dried gourd--a gourd from a tree that no longer grows--and he wanders out of his house into the worst of the storm, heading for the small cemetery nearby.

The cemetery is old and decrepit, the oak trees have pushed the coffins around with their roots and played havoc with the tombstones. It is a frightening place even in the day light, but here, in the dark, in the rain, it is truly terrifying.

When he arrives, the little old man wanders between the tombstones, making small talk to the dead, saying hello to some of them, telling others news about their families, comforting yet others, that he will soon be with them.

But he did not come here to talk to just *any* dead person. He came here to talk to one person in particular, the Yazoo Witch. The Yazoo Witch is buried here, in a grave surrounded by chains, and she is identified on the tombstone only as the Yazoo Witch, but the tombstone also states that if the chains around her grave are ever breached, terrible ruin will come to Yazoo, and possibly to the world.

And he sits beside her, this old man who is the last living person to have know the Yazoo Witch when she was still haunting this world, and he talks to his old friend and lover, and the question he most frequently asks is "Can someone prove to me that God didn't create it all, using the Big Bang and evolution?", but the Yazoo Witch never answers.

In other words, no, there is no proof, you have to believe and accept on faith that there is nothing to believe in or accept on faith.

Now go away or I will tell you another pointless story.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 12:02:23 -0700

Muffin Top <lib4s.bayou.uh.edu> wrote:

A UH-CL person! Alright, who the hell are you? Professor, student, or staff (or some combination thereof)? Are you stalking me? Would you like to stalk me?

Hey do me a favor and point out to the campus police that the sign by the pond about "don't feed the ducks because there are alligators" is kind of stupid, there aren't any ducks any more, they fed the alligators.

I only bring this up because every time I go down there to feed the alligators, the campus police always stop me and ask me if I read the sign prohibiting me from feeding the ducks, I point out that there are no ducks, I'm just there to feed the alligators, and then I prove it by showing them the raw meat I brought (ever seen a duck eat raw meat?), then they throw me off campus. Look, if they don't want me to feed the freakin' alligators they should put up a sign about THAT--not one about feeding the non-existent ducks.

BTW, welcome to RHOD

<aside>Fresh meat!</aside>

BTW^2, this is odd because I just sent in a tellme a little while ago mentioning one of my old Profs from UH-CL--by name no less.

BTW^3, What's the official name of that school these days? UH-CLAP? UH-CLC? UH-CL? I know my degree says "University of Houston--Clear Lake" But I think they changed it after I left (they were trying to deny any connection to me) to University of Houston--Clear Lake at Pasadena" or some crap like that. Is that true?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 17:42:17 -0600

Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
> Kevin Kelley wrote:
> > Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> > > Nathan Sullivan <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
> > > ; Is Nathan going to hate me for doing this?...er...um....<cough>...I *AM* Nathan. What a silly question for me to ask myself! I must have momentarily lost my mind.
> > > That's ok, I found it over here.
> > Rinse before replacing.
> > Kevin "mine could use a good wash too" Kelley
> Oh, but that would take all of the fun out of it!

Well... maybe not. Ever since that bar-room shoutin' match, where my interlocutor advised me to "take yer perverted mind and shove it up yer ass!" (I took that to mean she wanted to finish her drink before going to bed with me).

So now a good mind-rinse involves tubes and rubber water-bags. It's not the most convenient arrangement, but at least I've got something to do on weekends.

Kevin "enjoying life's little pleasures" Kelley

ps. Okay, okay, I've never actually had an enema. Honest. Would I lie to you?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 13:56:03 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> I already told you this in e-mail, but I'll elucidate it here for everyone. I graduated from there, my wife graduated from there, my ex-wife graduated from there, my wife's ex-husband graduated from there, my ex-wife's brother graduated from there, and my mother graduated from there.

Sounds like you guys shoulda got out of the dorm a little more often.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 Oct 1999 21:48:11 GMT

Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> said:
>Nobody Knows:
>> There was also an odd girl-friend or two that should have been in there
>Where were the normal ones?

You mean such a thing exists?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are, milligram for milligram, the most flabbergasted creatures in the universe

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 14:59:34 -0600

Muffin Top <lib4s.bayou.uh.edu> said:
> Yum yum.. you know I had some good duck this weekend. I was standing in line at the market and I saw roasted pigs (with their heads intact), roasted chickens (with their heads intact) and roasted ducks (with, you guessed it.. heads intact). I thought to myself 'what looks least like its living counterpart?' The duck won. They also had live fish for sale. A customer picked one out, and the man behind the counter went and pulled it out and took it back to be wrapped up. After I saw the big cleaver come down on the poor fish.. I left that area of the store.

Coming soon to your area!

The Historically Accurate Shopping Experience!

Visit our dressing-room first, to be outfitted in an authentically-smelly rawhide costume! Leave your guns at home -- we'll provide the handmade spears, or bow and arrows, or for the truly daring, a genuine atlatl (Australian aborigine weapons also available in some areas)!

Once you've made your kill the fun's just starting; now you can experience the thrills of dressing out game using only a stone knife! Grocery prices are calculated by the hour, so effective hunters will eat cheaply.

(Note: hunting other shoppers is expressly prohibited.)

(Note: Hunt'n'Gather, Inc., is not responsible for any injuries sustained while on the premises. Next of kin will be notified if shopper fails to return.)

Kevin "Next: a Jurassic Park/The Running Man crossover" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Felching or squicking, which is more oogy?
From: Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu>
Date: 16 Oct 1999 22:15:22 -0700

Noser the Fishless <pshaughn.mediaone.net> writes:
> Al Sharka wrote:
> > Lars Clausen wrote:
> > } screwtape:
> > } > You know, I think I missed the whole squicking thing..
> > } You know, I think you're lucky.
> > You know, I think you're right.
> You know, I think this is turning into a cascade.

You know, I think you're all GOING TO JAIL! Clear violation of the ban on cascades in this group. Say hi to Bubba when you see him. And don't struggle too much. He hates that.

--Nathan "Cascade Cop, keeping a firm hold on the soap" Sullivan

From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
You know, I think you just participated in this yourself.

From: "TechnoAtheist" <TechnoAtheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
well, it would explain how he knows what Bubba's preferences are.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: More info on Joel Furr
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 22:58:36 GMT

Henriette Kress wrote:
> tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>>the faithful to defeat an evil outsider in the name of $DIETY. We
>That typo comes up rather often; do you guys do it on purpose? It -does- scratch my typo-zoomer. Ow ow ow! Stop it!

I'd just like to clarify this a bit. This is NOT, I repeat NOT a case of Americans being so dumb that even foreigners from non-English-speaking nations can speak the language better than us. I _meant_ to spell it that way. It was a reference to the popularity of bizarre diets in the US, which often reaches a state where following the diet becomes a pseudo-religious activity. People in such a condition do not worship a deity, if in fact they ever did. They worship a _diety_ state of existence. I suppose the joke is a bit too subtle to be understood by anyone who doesn't live here, and I suppose that Europeans are not used to having American humor go over their heads, so I won't make fun of you for missing what is, to an American, so obvious as to be almost trite.

Tom "Praise $DIETY!" Harrington

From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Let me just tell you that *any* Upean who hasn't been over here would have little idea of the strange states of existence that many Merkins find themselves in.

-Lars "Net existence not considered strange here" Clausen

From: "Paris Beach" <ParisBeach.CapsuleTech.com>
Arkansas, for example.
-Steven "state machine" Forrester

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 15:38:25 GMT

Paul wrote:
>Kibo occasionally harvests some of AP's nonsense and plays with it a bit. Take a look in ark. If Plutonium is still around, I'm sure Kibo is making fun of him. Or admiring him. I haven't figured out which yet.

Reading Kibo's commentaries on AP's posts is like watching Jesse Ventura body-slam a crippled, comatose midget, over and over and over...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Evolution was Re: AIR Ig Nobel prizes
From: "Jim Deutch" <103134.3516.compuserve.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 14:32:13 -0400

Nobody Knows wrote:
>Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> wrote:
>> Jim Deutch wrote:
>> > You'd have to get into all sorts of involuted technical details, but there simply is no chance that a rock dated 500 million years old is really only 6000.
>> Unless it was created last Thursday with the appearence of great age.
>Actually it's slated to be created (that rhymes) next Thursday with an appearance of great youth, but it's going to weather badly.

It is slated to be created
on a Thursday with great youth,
but the weather, bad as ever,
could be covering up the Truth:
it is wearing, never caring
how it gums up my nice neat theory and ruins my penultimate line, too
but at least it gives me an excuse for bringing in dentition as my last
line rhymes with tooth!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Single???
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 13:00:36 -0400

True Love wrote:
}Are you sick of meeting people in bars?

I've never met anyone in a bar.

}Try placing an ad on Platinum Personals and let the power of the internet work for you!!! All women seeking men are completely free!!!

All RIIIGHTT!! I'll take three! No need to wrap'em, I'll wear 'em home.

}Platinum Personals has ads catering to all lifestyles. In addition to ads there are Member Photos, Chat Rooms, Voice Greetings and more. Free to place and browse unlimited ads! Click here to place your ad today www.platinumpersonals.com

PREDATOR-RAPTOR seeks poster who makes frequent spelling and grammar mistakes, unintentional double entendres, and simple statements which can be misinterpreted, for casual in-jokes, cascading, romantic strolls through the alt.* hierarchy. No piercings, please.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Americans have no lives
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 23:12:03 GMT

Americans have no lives. I know, because it's the apparent official policy of Yahoo! Europe, and if they said it then it must be true.

According to a story at The Register (<http://www.theregister.co.uk/>), Fabiola Arredondo, who is described as "MD of Yahoo! Europe" [0] said that internet usage in Europe lags that in the US because "People in Europe have a life. They are not just hooked up to the net as they are in the US."

The Register summarizes Arredondo's position as being that "US Net users have little else to do with their spare time that stay glued to their PCs in search of entertainment or in the hope of finding some fleeting, yet distant, human interaction."

And here I thought it was just us geeks. Kick Ass! We Americans lead the world in geekdom! You lazy Europeans just can't measure up when it comes to lacking a life! I would have expected that the general idiocy in this country regarding the internet indicated that most people still don't use the net that much. Evidently we're all glued to the PC, yet still maintain a high level of cluelessness about what we're doing all day. This doesn't really surprise me much.

Hmmm... British online magazines quoting Italian executives about Americans. I'm sure that nobody involved has stooped to stereotyping.

Tom "I know it's all true, 'cause Yahoo says so, and with a name like Yahoo they've got to be smart!" Harrington

[0] I'm not sure what "MD" means here; I suspect it's not "Medical Doctor", which is the usual meaning in the US; "Major Dickhead", perhaps? <Managing Director>

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