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1999 10 C

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 13:19:01 -0400

Ken Harlan wrote:
[snip]
}>> Just because I know the song Pennsylvania 6-5000 doesn't mean that I fought in WWII. You have heard of World War 2 haven't you?
}>If you can remember the days when wars had numbers in them, then you are REALLY, REALLY old.
}ITYM, if you can remember the days when wars did NOT have numbers in them, then you are REALLY, REALLY old.
}And you wouldn't be that old since they did not start numbering them until WW2. And I don't know when that one got numbered. So you could be as young as 70 and still remember wars without numbers.

There's the 100 Years War, the Thirty Years War, the First through Sixth Casc^H^H^Hruasades, etc. So if you were REALLY REALLY REALLY old you'd remember the first time wars had numbers in them, and curse about all those young whippersnappers who thing they invented wars with numbers in them, but no one would understand you, because you'd be speaking Middle English.

JAIMES thye Yongere


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 99 16:13:30 GMT

brightredfish.mindspring.com "Paul" writes:
> >Kevin "and 'carpe pecuniam'!" Kelley
> "Whinny, witty, wicked."

And thus Paul divides rhod All into Three Parts. Put me down for "Weedy".

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*-My name is legionary, and this is our leader Mr. Dog--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:36:01 -0400

[Introduction - Opening Theme]

Donald Welsh wrote:
} Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> wrote:
}>-Lars "Limits to Injokes" Clausen
}More like a law of diminishing returns.

[Enter JIM, dressed as a military sergeant. The All-RHOD Bright Red Siamese Fighting Brass Band strikes up an appropriate three-minute fanfare.]

[JIM clears his throat as the fanfare concludes.]

JIM: ...in bed.

[Cut to stock footage of audience full of elderly ladies applauding wildly. The Band strikes up the closing theme, and JIM walks off-stage. Roll credits, fade out.]

JIM, it's all in the delivery, really


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1121
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 08:46:55 -0700

Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote:
> >Paul wrote:
> >> (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> >> >Ron Hunsinger said:
> >> >> 1121
> >> >> 4 4 2 4 5 1 3 3 2 2
> >> >867-5309?
> >> Bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
> >> I never heard that one before.
> >Those old jokes, is there anything they can't do?
> Can they scramble an egg while it's still inside it's shell?

Yes, K-Tel or Ron-Tell, or some such, used to have a little tool that was basically a sharpened armature of a small motor sticking out of a base, the sharp end would pierce your egg, you turn on the motor and the little thing would scramble up your egg INSIDE the shell, thus saving you SECONDS of preparation time.

That's a joke no matter how you look at it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhod -- The Wasteland
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 11:46:08 -0400

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Addendum: I looked up "spodumene"'s etymology, it's from the Greek, "spodousthai" meaning "to be burnt to ashes" and "spodos" meaning just "ashes".
> I no longer believe the similarity to Kim's "to spod" is coincidental. But unless someone has any knowledge of "spodding"'s orgins (Matt?), that will have to stay speculative.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle

} Back in the days of the Greek Pantheon, when the Oracle still lived on Olympus (this was before the Noodle incident), supplicants had to make the weary trudge up the mountain to ask their questions. This resulted in two kinds of supplicants:
} - the sort who, knowing the arduous journey involved, reserved the services of the Oracle for only their deepest imponderables - questions of politics, of philosophy, of baking, etc.
} - and then there was the sort who would simply save up all their questions over, say, a month or so, and so bombard the Oracle with a steady stream of pointless questions, like "What spice goes best with barbecued Texan? How many orifices are there, really? What's with Joel Furr, anyway? How much wood would a woodchuck - "
} This last sort annoyed the Oracle immensely, and after about the fifth inane inquiry would <ZOT> the fools, leaving nothing but a pile of ashes.
} Hence the practice of bombarding the Oracle with a large volume of pointless questions was called "spodding", from the Greek "spodos" for ashes. This same term was later taken over into Usenet when the Oracle went online, and from there was generalized to mean "posting large volumes of blather to Usenet".
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to "World Wide Words" and a rational explanation of why "rhod" and "spod" rhyme.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhod -- The Wasteland
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 02:24:46 GMT

dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>A while back I complained to some company that their web-page relied heavily graphical icon buttons, and thus was not usable by me. Told 'em about ALT, got a nice reply thanking me for the suggestion and inviting me back to take a look. They had used "click here" as the ALT for every button on the page.

A triumph of consistency over utility.

Kind of like RHOD, in a way.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhod -- The Wasteland
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 15:18:26 GMT

Ben Fisher wrote:
>Kevin Kelley wrote:
>> "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
>> > ME TOO!!
>> See what you've done, "Tom"? You've turned us into nothing more than a bunch of stat-sluts!
>That happened when he first put up the page. Now he's improved it, so we're having a second go round.

Ha!! You are all in my power! You are puppets doing my bidding! I am the puppeteer, which means that I have my hands up your... eww!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhod -- The Wasteland
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 28 Oct 1999 23:14:43 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
>Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> said:
>> Is that practical? Don't you have to twist your arms into bizarre, pretzel-like shapes to use it? And where did you put the mouse?
>Oh, great. I post swatches of great literature (over there <---) but all you people can think about is how I look in this thong, or even worse, in nothing but a strategically-placed keyboard.
>And FYI, I don't use a mouse, I've got quite a satisfactory pointing device of my own.

I thought a floppy was more of a data storage device.

>Kevin "click!" Kelley

Head crash?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope it's not scuzzy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: rhod -- The Wasteland
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 03:15:37 GMT

dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>September 2245th, to be exact.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies sing "This is the month that never ends"

Good heavens, Miss Akimoto! A song cue!

Eternal September Anthem
------------------------

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
some lusers started posting here
not knowing netiquette
and they'll continue posting here
they haven't finished yet

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
AOLers quoted everything
just to add "me too"
you'd think that they'd have stopped by now
they haven't got a clue

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
B1FF startled everyone
with nothing much to say
you can find him everywhere
he's never gone away

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
spods and trollers here
causing endless strife
they'll continue flaming dear
until they get a life

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
more newbies find the internet
every single day
they ask the same old questions
that were answered yesterday

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
the spammers telling you
how to make money fast
don't you ever answer them
just try to duck the blast

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
September started up one year
and then it came again
September hasn't ended dear
and never will again

This is the month that never ends
it just goes on and on, my friends
...


(With apologies to Shari Lewis.)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Missing Oracle
From: cierhart.ic.net (Otis Viles)
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 22:55:02 GMT

Ed Lynn <natpasq.hotmail.com> wrote:
>Just curious--I'm not complaining--but only two digests in over three weeks? What's up with that?

Quality is down. Way down. Way, way down. Down much farther than you could possibly imagine. See, you just proved my point -- you're going to have to reach farther down than that. No, with your imagination, not your hands, silly.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1999 15:38:17 -0700

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> [1] okay, "helicopters of ethnicity. And no markings."
> [2] I'm not kidding about the helicopters.

One time when I was at the nude beach, I decided to test the limits of my 4-wheel drive, and drive from High Island to Sabine pass. If you drive down the beach far enough, you come to a place that is clearly marked "U.S. Government Property, NO ENTRY ALLOWED", now mind you this is at least 40 miles from anything and the freakin' place has power, no power lines, no nothing--but they have electricity. There's just this building there, that used to have a lot more until storms and hurricanes washed it away, but there is still this building (you can see the remains of what must have been a small "private" oil refinery or something like that--old rusted holding tanks and little (15' high) cat-crackers). Anyway I just kept driving, I made it about another mile past the building (still in government property) and all of a sudden flying low and fast this black helicopter WITH NO MARKINGS goes over. It flies past me, stops and turns around. I turn around and start heading back the way I came. The helicopter flew right behind me (at like 30 miles hour which if you're 4-wheeling in the nude on leather seats is pretty damn fast and rough (but strangely exciting), but if you're in a black spy helicopter sent by the NSA to kidnap and kill innocent nudists is pretty damn slow). Anyway, I get to the "Government Property" line and the helicopter just stays there. I drove a mile or two farther down the beach and stopped, and that damn helicopter was just hovering right there, like warning me not to try that again.

This is a true story.

But since that time I've learned that if you just stay down on the treacherous beach you can go past that point all the way to Sabine Pass, but just don't go up behind the dunes where its Government land. Very weird. I can't imagine what the hell they have out there, there are no cars there and really the only way in is by 4-wheel drive. Or black spy helicopter.

And Sabine Pass is such an ugly place you really only need to go there once. Sort of like Lubbock.

And when I say the beach there is treacherous, I MEAN it. It's like quicksand, the water stands just below the surface so it's all a loose soggy mud that sends you slipping and sliding, and the ruts heal themselves behind you, only they don't really, they just fill in with new mud, so there is new mud over packed mud in trenches (which causes bone jarring bouncing combined with the slipping and spinning). It's one of those holes you hit at 40 or you don't make it, and god help you if you don't have skid plates to help you "skim" cause you do sink in pretty far. BTW, if you're ever down at our lovely nude beach and the police start coming after you (its not a LEGAL nude beach, it's just isolated), just head to this hole, they're in a Ford Taraus and they WON'T make it through. Of course the Sabine Pass police will be looking for you on the other side, so good luck.

I've done like 30 tellme's today and answered 15 or so of the askme's I got back (I often got "The Oracle is pondering your question") and I'm like TOTAL expecting to be digested cause it's some of my best work ever, but I'm bringing this up cause I'm wondering, does it seem to you that this new sinus medicine I'm taking is making me hyper-active?

From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Dude...you have *got* to tell me where I can get some.

I just feel like I have DONE enough today, or maybe I mean SAID enough, I don't know, but I feel good and I feel like talk so do you mind listening?

That's good.

I'm not stalking Kevin by the way, I've never even met the guy, but I think he does have a wonderful sense of humor and if he were to be nice to me I might start an e-affair with him, and I'd even pretend that I was the woman, of course if I did that it would have to remain an e-affair because I look really stupid in a miniskirt, in fact the Oracle told me that today, which is odd, because I asked him about how to get water from a cactus, and if you could really survive in the desert that way, but he chose not answer that and told me to stop wearing mini-skirts cause I look stupid in them, I wonder if he's ever seen me in one when I'm wearing heels, I don't think I should take more than three of these pills in one day in more, the air around me is starting to take on a funny quality, and the laughing I'm doing is making it hard to work, is anyone still reading this? Anyway, the Oracle was all around rude to me today, and I accused him of being the Bastard Oracle From Hell, but he hasn't answered, that was pretty funny of me wasn't it, I figure it would give one of you sick bastards a good place to start a really good long-winded answer that would get us both into the digest, by the way can the priests supplicate/incarnate? If so can they vote for their own stuff? I mean that wouldn't be fair now would it? I'm sure we went over this somewhere, but I can't find it right now so I thought I'd just ask, oh, does anyone here read alt.2600? What's the 2600 for? I would read the FAQ, but I still haven't gotten rid of the rash that started from reading Joel Furr's FAQ, anyway, I'm starting to feel a little bored with this message now, so I'm going to go into the wiring closet and clean up the patch cables some, I don't think anyone will notice if I take them off the network for like 1 second, do you?


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
You won't believe how embarrassed I am at being utterly clueless for so long about The Artist Formerly Known As DMP's great renaming.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 24 Oct 1999 22:10:02 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
>Fern-Seed <fiddleheads.usa.net> said:
>> Jim Evans wrote:
>> > JIM, just as long as her mousies don't jump into *my* shirt
>> Don't worry, once a male of any species gets down *my* shirt, he doesn't want to leave!
>I know _I'm_ certainly happy there.
>Kevin "that oughta be worth a *thwap* at least" Kelley

*thwap*

That's *my* shirt you're in!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wish they were more like the sale at the fabric store


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 13:22:43 +1000

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> That reminds me (OK, Jay Leno reminded me the other night) we know what was happening in Sodom, but what were they doing in Gomorrah?

Singing, of course:

"Gomorrah, Gomorrah,
I'll love you Gomorrah
It's only a breath awaaaaaay!"

*Now* do you understand why God was so pissed off? Then take note and repent, all ye who do sing with malice aforethought, for the LORD did speak as is recorded in Hezekiah chapter 13 and verse 5 (found recently in a small malodorous archaeological dig somewhere west of the Jordan river, scrawled on the tiles underneath the hand dryer):

"I will rise up in my righteous anger and strike at the Shariites and the Disnites, and will erase the memory of them from the land, yea verily. For their songs have burned the ears of my people, and they have cried out to me saying, 'LORD, LORD, will the song truly never end? Are we damned to hear it in our hearts for ay? And is the world not large? Did not Bob just last week rupture himself trying to lift it?' Thus sayeth the LORD, and so it shall be."

You have been warned.

Ian.


From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
I'm sorry, but you'll simply have to fully capitalize more words in order to even have a prayer (sorry) at becoming a successful fundamentalist.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are sidewalk philosophers


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 14:21:32 -0600

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> >I thought I felt something down there.
> You're not touching the keyboard again until you've washed your hands.

Oh, right. Scratch butt, wash hands. Scratch nuts, wash hands. Shift penis from right to left side, wash hands. Shift it back, wash hands. Take a leak, wash hands. Rearrange so jeans don't bind, wash hands. Flirt with cute girl at drive-up window, wash hands. Notice bicycle rider in spandex, wash hands. Fantasize about what I should have said to the girl I bumped into at Safeway, wash hands. Check email, wash hands. Admire desktop background picture, wash hands.

This is beginning to seem a bit impractical, and I haven't even done anything particularly erotic yet. How about if I just wash my privates really good every day and thereafter assume they're clean enough to touch?


Kevin "oops, gotta go wash my hands" Kelley

ps. Ever notice how some people never, ever, touch themselves in public, and other people reach down and adjust or scratch pretty much every time they move? I'm pretty sure there's some deep psychological significance here. I think the "don't touch" people were bottle-babies, and the scratchie/feelie types were breast-fed. I can explain my reasoning if you want, but it should be pretty obvious.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Tue, 26 Oct 1999 17:07:29 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote in message
> > Kevin "everybody wants to play with my dingaling" Kelley
> If you add this handy-dandy little ring my friend you dingaling can be something much more, it can become a certified pull toy (or tie down spot)...

Party poppers! Give 'em a yank and surprise your friends!


Kevin "that's not confetti" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 09:57:05 GMT

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>Today, on "People's Poet": Judge Al Sharka settles a dispute between Ethel "Roses are Red" Finster and Warren "Haiku Boy" Gates over whether rhyme is required in poetry. Tune in at 12:30 for some real poetic justice...

Reporting from SnagHai, the results for the Big Rhyming Dispute are in. In a surprise move Judge Al deciced on the side of outstanding poetry such as

"Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Do you have a Bed,
Me Too",

against

"A rhymeless haiku
not too difficult a task
it should open your eyes."

Next on "People's Poet", Judge Al describes the event in his own words. Al, you're on:


From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
<The Temple of the Oracle, Bloomington, IN, done up for a gala occasion. There is a stage with flags, bunting and flowers. Echoing noise of audience anticpation. Muffled announcements in background.>

Voice Over: Good evening, and welcome to the Temple of the Internet Oracle for this year's finals of the All-RHOD poetry competition.

<pull back slightly to reveal big banner across the top of the stage: 'All-RHOD poetry Competition'>

Voice Over: As you may remember, each rhodite has to give a brief example of his or her work, once in a swimsuit and once in an evening dress. The field has now narrowed to two finalists and your judges tonight are...

<cut to panel of judges at long desk; they are all cut-outs of smiling photos of the following subjects: Ian Davis, ex-Queensland cricketer, Richard Fitzpatrick, ex-captain of Queensland, Omar Sharif, Tim Allen, ex-Queensland opening batsman, G.B. Delacy, the former Queensland and England Captain, and Yehudi Menuhin, the world-famous violinist and the President of the Queensland Cricket Club.>

Voice over: And right now it's time to meet your host for tonight!

<Showbiz music, applause, and Al appears from the back of the stage; he wears the now traditional spangly jacket. He comes forward and speaks into the mike; the sound is rather hollow and strident as in big halls with a hastily rigged PA.>

Me: Good evening and welcome, whereas in haiku I would say:

Reused python script.
Derivitive comedy
is often funny.

<roars of applause; quick shot of grinning faces of the jury>

Me: Remember, each contestant this evening has a maximum of fifteen seconds to come up with an original work of art, and on the poetryometer over here...

<curtain pulls back at back of stage to reveal a true, enormous, but cheap, audience appreciation gauge; it lists the numbers of the filk Oracularities in chronological order in the form of a thermometer>

Me: ...you can see exactly how far he gets. So let's start straight away with our first contestant tonight. He's last year's semi-finalist from Texas - Mr. Daniel Matthew Parker.

<Daniel, in evening dress, comes forward from back of stage, he has a number three on his back; Al leads the applause for him>

Hello Danny. Now here's the microphone. You're on the poetry spot, fifteen seconds from...now.

<Music starts, continuity-type music. The needle of the poetryometer creeps up almost imperceptibly to a tiny level.>

DMP:

There once was a lad on a beach
No restrooms at hand. Out of reach!
A cooler he chose
It assaulted your nose
And the pile steamed, and was quite a peach.

<Gong goes, chord of rippling applause. The meter has hardly risen at all.>

Me: Well tried, Danny.

Voice Over: A good attempt there but unfortunately he chose a common limerick instead of at least attempting anything Seusslike, and scatology has been done to death lately. As you can see <close up of Poetryometer> he only got as far as digest one of the Oracularities, the first of the 1123 volumes. A good try though and very nice posture.

<Cut back to the stage.>

Me: Danny, you're from Texas?

DMP: Yes, Al, YFF.

Me: Now Danny, what made you first want to try and start writing RHOD Peotry?

DMP: Well I first entered a seaside nudist beach Competition when I was on holiday in Fort Wayne, and Doctor Ian encouraged me with it.

Me: And Danny, what are your hobbies outside peotry?

DMP: Well, strangling animals with duct tape, golf, and masturbating pierced body parts.

Me: Well, thank you Danny Parker.

DMP: walks off-stage. Music and applause.

Voice Over: Well there he goes. Daniel Parker. He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies, golf's not very popular around here, but never mind, a good try.

Me: And now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome the last of our finalists this evening, from Pennsylvania, the Fishies Choral Society and their leader Superintendent Macks.

<a big aquarium comes on, filled with small red fish, each holding a soggy piece of paper with their fins, with Dan Macks as Superintendent Macks>

Me: All right fishies, remember you've got fifteen seconds to spout an original poem starting...now.

First fishie:
There once was a woman whose name was McCave,
Had twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave...
Second fishie:
There once was a woman whose name was McCave...
Tenors:
Had twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave...

<They continue contrapuntally, in madrigal, never getting beyond these words until they rallentando to say...>

All:
There once was a woman whose name was McCave...

<Gong sounds>

Voice Over: Very ambitious try there, but in fact the least successful of the evening; they didn't even get as far as the first verse. <the fishies leave the stage>

Me: Well ladies and gendemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of master poetry, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the Rhod Chickie with the biggest tits.

<Applause and music. KaCee, Carla, and Cyn come on to the side of the stage to accept the award. Roll credits>


From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
I am of the opinion that this contest was rigged.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sat, 30 Oct 99 08:47:28 GMT

> <Applause and music. KaCee, Carla, and Cyn come on to the side of the stage to accept the award. Roll credits>

Two hours pass. Everyone has gone home or to a showbiz party, the lights have been switched off and the stage is in darkness.

Presently, a molerat walks onto stage. It is not a naked molerat, because it is wearing a bathing cap, knee-length swimming trunks and water wings. It walks to centre stage, clears its throat and announced in a high-pitched, squeaky voice:

<Ahem!>

Zadoc the Vermin
by J. H. Berkeleigh Hunt Molerat

<Aah-hem!>

Zadoc the Vermin (may his tribe desist!)
Came home one night more than a little pissed,
And saw through bleary, bloodshot eyes (thought he)
A burglar, who in fact turned out to be
An Angel typing at his terminal:
Intoxication made old Zadoc call
Out to the Presence, as it sat and worked,
"What typest thou?" The Vision merely smirked
And, putting on a tone most casual,
Answered, "A question for the Oracle."
"And didst thou grovel?" Zadoc asked. "Not me,"
Replied the Angel. Zadoc spoke with glee,
"Boy, are you for it, sunshine! I would not
Be in your place when here arrives the ZOT!"

The Angel grinned and vanished, having first
Pressed Enter. Then was heard a deafening burst
Of energy which woke the neighbourhood
And, lo! Poor Zadoc has been barbequed!

<Aaaaah-HEM!>

Thank you, you've been a wunnerful audience.

Exit molerat, muttering to itself.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Damn, There's already a day dedicated to it!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 Oct 1999 21:59:00 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> said:
>Donald Welsh wrote:
>>You forgot: Tom "Tom" is a horny supermodel, all the female posters
>Somehow I missed the part where I became a supermodel.

Don't be so modest! This isn't one of those "behind the music" "I was a poor antisocial druggie from East Bumblefuck until I downed a coupla 'ludes and started strumming the church piano. I'm pretty sure I lost consciousness at some point, but I can distinctly remember the priest saying 'oh God oh God oh God you are *so* good don't stop!'. Even some altar boy was kneeling in admiration. Next thing I know, I'm a washed-up has-been musician talking to a schmuck like you on a lame TV spot that nobody's gonna watch, and all I have to show for it is a tatoo and a horny super-model wife."

> But that's OK, I kinda like it. I highly recommend it, in fact-- you get to have sex with a supermodel, after all.

??? But how often do you see a male...super...mo...GIF! GIF!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will sell tickets


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Offer DEVELOPER SERVER RELEASE 6 for cheap price!!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 21:17:37 GMT

Norman wrote:
>DEVELOPER SERVER RELEASE 6 -30US$
>Oracle Developer Server 6.0 is a specialized server of the applications, Optimized for fulfilment of the applications, created on Oracle Developer in a medium of Internet.

Goldilocks walked into the room and saw 3 computers running Netscape. She sat down at the first one and tried to surf the web a bit. The screen was huge, with colors so bright that Goldilocks soon covered her eyes and rubbed her temples from pain. "This is too much internet, I think!" she said. So she got up and moved to another computer on the opposite side of the room. She reached for the mouse and started clicking on hyperlinks. But the screen was tiny, barely bigger than a wrist-watch, and only monochrome black-on-grey, and Goldilocks had to bend and squint in order to see anything. "This is simply too little internet!" she said, and she moved to the computer in the middle. It was a pleasant system with an ergonomically-designed chair and a monitor that was bright enough to read comfortably, yet not so bright as to hurt her eyes. "This is just right!" said Goldilocks, "A medium of internet!"

She was just settling in to alt.sex.binaries.pictures.hamster.duct-tape when the three bears returned to their house...

>The brief description:

"Briefs are a style of men's underwear, more loose-fitting than jockey shorts."

>Oracle Developer Server enables to work with available programms by maintenance, without change of the code, in the three-level architecture.

Or in other words, you get to fix the leaky faucets in all of the bathrooms of this three-story building.

>Thus of Developer Server provides a high scalability at systems. Costs of administration of systems it is essential Decrease, as the necessity of the installation of client places - disappears Any application uses only standard browser.

Ha! Putain de 2CV! and spits by ground!

>The system requirements: The Intel of a Pentium 200 MHz or is more;

That's one Intel of a Pentium you've got there, Norman.

>Microsoft Windows or Windows NT 4.0 with Service Park 3;

Park your service here, $2.00/hr or $10/day.

>32 MB RAM for a Windows 98; 64 MB RAM for a Windows NT 4.0;

But for you I make a special offer: 128MB of RAM for Windows 3.0.

>100 MB of free space on the rigid disk(disc); CU-ROM-Drive

Hey, well _my_ disk is certainly rigid, IYKWIM, AITYD.

I don't know what Colorado University has to do with it, though.

>If you are interested in, please reply at once to 2 email addresses: cdxxusa.netscape.net , r.dube.switzerland.com

If I am interested in.... what?

>We also can make custom cd's, by your request.

I request a custom CD with lots of GIFs of Normal being devoured by ravenous ferrets.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Offer DEVELOPER SERVER RELEASE 6 for cheap price!!
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 16:01:28 +0100

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au says...
> s/\([\.!:\?]\) \([^ ]\)/\1 \2/g

That's the stupidest emoticon I've ever seen. Unless it means "You are a broken-nosed old drooler with a big silly hat and imperfect genitalia.", in which case it's spot on.[1]

regards,

B
I have a nagging feeling that this phrase looks uncannily like the end result of a Babelfish query.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Offer DEVELOPER SERVER RELEASE 6 for cheap price!!
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 00:21:30 +0100

ben.fisher.intel.spam.buster.com says...
> [1] No Footnote Error: Go to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

s/\([\.!:\?]\) \([^ ]\)/\1 \2/g

regards,

B "Pedants insulted while-u-wait"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Uranus
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1999 10:12:53 -0700

I heard there's a brown ring around Uranus.

<This post brought to you by the "keep the net immature" foundation>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ravenous Rats
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 22:50:50 +1100

Lane Gray, Czar Castic schrieb:
>Jim Evans wrote:
>>That last one is starting to look most probable. Oh, hey, it's almost five o'clock, time for another dose of that cough medicine...
>Take cough medicine.

You crack open an ice-cold tinny of the amber fluid - cough syrup, that is - and down it in one gulp. Not pausing to greet the pink buffaloes who spring to meet you.

> LOOK

The Beach.

You are standing on the last sand-dune of the beach, looking down towards the see. You can see buffaloes ballooning like some Far Side cartoon, and the warm sand is a uniform shade of pink.

There is a psychedelic-marked McDonnell-Douglas helicopter here. There is a sweet-smelling cooler here.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: That was weird.
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 01:41:21 GMT

Here I am, sitting at the computer reading rhod, when all of a sudden I hear a blood-curdling squawk of pain or horror or something like that coming from my bedroom. Only thing is, I'm home alone...except for some six or so cats, a dog, and a frog who just dined on two fish.

The sound I just heard reminds me of the sound I made once when I was closing the garage door, you know, one of those multipanel types with hinged joints, and I just happened to have set my normally impressive intellect aside for the moment, and pulled the door down by putting my fingers into one of the joints between the panels, rather than using the handy handle the manufacturer provided to make it possible for the homeowner to close the door without squashing his or her fingers into little flat paddle-like things.

The sound I heard was very like the sound I made that day. I ran into my bedroom to find out if it was a burglar who had somehow squished his fingers in the ironing board or something, and I saw the dog running from the room with her tail between her legs, and a cat slinking away underneath the bed. The dog's fingers seem okay, but I'm sure it was her that made the sound. What I want to know is how the cat smashed the dog's fingers. Or maybe she just built up a big static charge and shocked the dog. Cats can do that. It would probably make the same sound.


From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>

Dog, wishing to be friends, smells cat's bum.
Cat, not at all amused, bats dog with paw, usually including a claw or two.
Dog, shocked by this rejection, and in a bit of pain, makes noise like Paul with garage door and bounds from room with tail between legs.
Cat, amazed by all this racket, slinks under bed.

Happens everyday at our place.

Did I tell you about the cat that nearly ruined a perfectly good honeymoon?


From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
In bed? No, you haven't. Let me just make some popcorn and settle in to my chair. There. OK, go ahead.


From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
I think I may have WTH.

A chronic shortage of funds precluded anything more than a camping trip around the Blue Mountains near Sydney for our honeymoon. My wife was a bit dubious about the idea, but I persuaded her that it would be a fun trip. Tent and equipment were hired and off we went like the lovebirds we were.

The first night was spent in a caravan park, and with such civilised things as showers and toilets available, my wife started to relax and enjoy herself. Thus she was amenable to my suggestion that we go off the beaten track a bit and be self sufficient.

The next night we pitched the tent in a superb location on top of a mountain, views to die for and no people anywhere in sight. Alone at last! It was well after dark by the time we were set up properly, but that didn't stop me from preparing a nice dinner, complete with candles and a good Aussie Red (wine). I wasn't concerned about the brewing thunderstorm, until I discovered my bride was absolutely terrified by thunder and lightning. Then I became a bit worried, but did my best to make light of it for her sake.

By the time dinner was ready, the storm was really making its presence felt.

An untimely call of nature could no longer be ignored, and this was at the height of the storm. My bride was petrified with fear, but realised there was little either of us could do. I grabbed the spade and paper and rushed out into the bush.

Mother Nature was really showing us who was boss. The fireworks and noise were awesome.
Wind and rain were starting when I started back to the tent. I was nearly there when there was this enormous flash of lightning, followed by a crash of falling timber and thunder, followed by a loud scream from the tent.

As I rushed in, a large feral cat rushed out between my feet. The poor thing must have panicked when the tree was struck, and raced in under the tent flap. This of course was a kind of last straw for my wife, and she succumbed momentarily to hysterics, lambasting her choice of husbands.

Well, that's the story.

My wife and I raised two beautiful daughters, and together we taught them the joys of the Australian bush on many a thoroughly enjoyable camping trip over the years that followed. She is no longer around, but electrical storms and feral cats still trigger fond memories of the second night of what was a long and great marriage.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: 29 Oct 1999 02:54:55 GMT

Jim Evans wrote:
> Noser the Fishless wrote:
> }You snipped all the best bits!
> That's what *she* said.
> JIM, ...in bed.#$hs6..ERROR -105 : injoke overload

Sorry about this - this sometimes happens when more than one in-joke applies for a given response. We should have the bot back up by tomorrow morning.

Cheers,

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: 29 Oct 1999 15:18:12 GMT

Jason Willoughby wrote:
> Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com> wrote:
> > Jim Evans wrote:
> >> JIM, ...in bed.#$hs6..ERROR -105 : injoke overload
> > Sorry about this - this sometimes happens when more than one in-joke applies for a given response. We should have the bot back up by tomorrow morning.
> Yeah, ambiguity is a bitch. Personally, I like to weight in-jokes on time since last usage, but sometimes they get fscked anyway...

Rhod has too many injokes : ) Part of the problem is we had the in-joke frequency set too high, and it tried to load too many into the buffer at once. I think time-since-last-usage is probably a better idea than simple frequency-of-use. It makes for less repetitive posts. It's one of the things we're going to implement when we overhaul the engine next month.

> So what are you doing these days? I think shaggy dog stories are terribly underused, and am putting the finishing touches on a generator now. rhod should gain another newbie somewhere inside a month, let me know what you think. Further down the road, I've got some ideas for rigging up question/answer pairs and posting them as faked sore losers...

Shaggy dog stories are hard, way harder than a simple "predator-raptoring" routine. The longer the post, the more likely it is the bot's going to say something that gives itself away. Up til about six months ago we were still writing all the SD's by hand and JIM would post them when a suitable cue came up in someone's post. Now we've got a rudimentary generator that works on a set of templates, but it's still not that great.

Once you have a good SDG though, SL's are easy, because they're just SD's with a specific format. I'll be interested to see how it goes.

Better <relurk> now. "Ignore the man behind the curtain..."

Cheers

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 Oct 1999 15:37:50 GMT

Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com> said:
>once. I think time-since-last-usage is probably a better idea than simple frequency-of-use. It makes for less repetitive posts. It's one of the things we're going to implement when we overhaul the engine next month.

Wouldn't this lead to rather predictable repetition in RHOD? If it's strictly time-since-last-usage, each in-joke would tend to have a particular period. Wouldn't this lead to rather predictable repetition in RHOD? If you go with time-since-last-usage, I think it should be implemented as increasing the probability of that in-joke being used, but the actual in-joke selector would still be random. Otherwise this would lead to a rather predictable repetition in RHOD.

I would lean more towards a moving average. That some in-jokes would go at a consistent low to medium level, while others could be left hanging in disuse for a while, and then come back in full power. In bed.

>--
>Scott Draper
>Programmer, JIM Interactive Project

Shouldn't that be "JIM Interactive Machine"?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are not self-referential


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 13:23:16 -0400

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
> but the actual in-joke selector would still be random. Otherwise this would lead to a rather predictable repetition in RHOD.

No, no, you misunderstand your algorithm. What happens when you see a post is, first you run down your list of all known in-jokes, scoring each for appropriateness (note that there is random element in this score). Then you throw out any of them below a cutoff score, and multiply the remaining scores by a time-since-last-usage factor. The highest is then taken, fed to a mildly modified eliza, and posted. If none makes the cutoff, you go into the original humor routine, and failing that (as it usually does), no followup occurs.

> Shouldn't that be "JIM Interactive Machine"?

See, it's been quite some time since the last Turing machine reference, but obviously your response was not chosen completely at random or by simple age.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Weird on da Web..
From: Scott Draper <sctidr.hotmail.com>
Date: 30 Oct 1999 19:22:21 GMT

Jason Willoughby wrote:
> none makes the cutoff, you go into the original humor routine, and failing that (as it usually does), no followup occurs.

This is more or less the algorithm we use. In addition we also multiply by a "humor factor" and throw in a little randomness just for good measure. We set the humor factors by hand and change them periodically according to response.

> > Shouldn't that be "JIM Interactive Machine"?

That's what "JIM" stands for. We were going to call the group the "JIM Interactive Machine Project", but I didn't want to be known as a JIMPie. So now I'm a JIPper. I can't win...

Cheers,

Scott

--
Scott Draper
Programmer, JIM Interactive Project


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: r.h.o.dmp
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 09:06:19 -0700

Since I am obviously the most attractive, wittiest, and most sought after member of this froup, I officially announce that I claim this newsfroup in the name of ME. Therefore, the d now stands for dmp, we don't have to change the froup name officially, but we all must admit that it is now MY vanity group. Thank you very much.


From: technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com (TechnoAtheist)
It was for months, but we changed it back last Thursday. Please try to keep up.



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