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1999 10 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 6 Oct 1999 02:13:19 GMT

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> said:
: Daniel E. Macks wrote:
: >GW De Lacey <gdelacey.bigpond.com> said:
: >: Is the Cascade Cop on leave, or has he been bought?
: >Um, that wasn't a cascade. Now Captain Nitpick is gonna get you.
: >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if the grammar police are all at Dunkin Donuts
: I suppose it stands to reason that you can always find a cop on the donut road.

But at the bad end he'd handcuff you and shoot you, while at the other end he'd give you the pot he confiscated from someone at a lower-quality donut shop(pe).

I'd have to guess that you'd find a friendlier cop at a better donut shop (cause and effect). Now presumably the cops would have radios, so could advise each other on which shops are better. Not just next door (which is indistinguishably better (or worse) but infinitely far down the road. Since there are an infinite number of bad (relative to wherever you are) donut shops, there will be an infinite parade of cops on the road moving towards better donuts. Follow them.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies hope they don't move infinitely slowly


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 19:54:16 -0600

Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> said:
> Fat - Thin - who cares? I want a woman that laughs at my jokes.

Let's repeat our affirmations again, Ben, shall we? It sounds as though you're forgetting them.

*ahem* "I'm handsome enough; I'm smart enough; and by god! people fear me!"

There, you can almost feel the testosterone kick in, can't you?

Don't worry about Gwyneth Paltrow not returning your calls; she's tied up in my bedroom.

Rosie O'Donnell not returning your calls... sorry, I can't explain that one so easily; she must not have a sense of humor.

Kevin "yeah, Gwyneth laughs at my jokes... like when I told her 'babe, I'm gonna fsck you silly!' she couldn't stop laughing... she's already silly I guess" Kelley


From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
'course she's laughing...she knows you're gonna fail when you try to fsck her: she's already been mounted.

Buff 'er data?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies' sticky bits are set


From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Hmm... I'm not sure multiple mounts are a problem; she's a multi-port device after all. Better research a little, figure out what's _really_ wrong:

%man Gwyneth
No manual entry for Gwyneth

Well, that seems to explain it.

Kevin "man fail" Kelley


From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
She needs a device then, so you'll have to do a mkdev for her.


From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Um, if you gave her a device, wouldn't that cut down on her desire to be mounted?

% ls -l /dev/sex
Srwx------    1 dmacks   sexmastr       0 Sep 28  1973 Gweneth
prwx------    1 gpaltrow babes          0 Sep 29 17:06 vibrator
% touch /dev/sex/Gweneth
/dev/sex/Gweneth: Permission denied

dan, whose bright red Simese fighting fishies are lonely


From: "Kimberly Chapman" <kacee.outer-net.com>
See, guys, much as this is all very intelligent and all, THIS is why you're not getting laid.

That and because most women don't adore geeks the way I do.


From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Who says we're not getting laid?


From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Being put to bed by your mother doesn't count.
-Lars "5000 miles from mum" Clausen


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 07 Oct 1999 11:08:36 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
>Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote in message
>> I'm not normally that geeky, but my sex-god/studmuffin t-shirt was in the wash that day, and I had to wear the one that shows my scrawny, un-muscled frame and all the pimples. It should be at least another coupla months before that happens again.
> Look, if you had a sex-god/studmuffin t-shirt I might be stalking *you* instead of Norm Abrams, but I know the extensive requirements for getting one (I just got my own) and I am certain you can't pass.

Hah! You probably got yours by leaving the lights off when you got dressed and 'accidentally' picking up the wrong shirt. Sort of an 'end run' around the issuing requirements, I'd say. MY sex-god/ studmuffin t-shirt was presented to me properly, in a ceremony in which a designated representative of the S-G/SM User's Guild bestowed it on me after a suitable application of musks and oils. Which is why I don't like to wash it.

Or maybe I'm making all this up, in a puerile effort to endow my fantasy-universe with hope. Nah, that can't be it.

> Hey! Are you knocking Canadians? First you attack Hockey (the national sport of Cananada) and then you attack the people themselves! What next!? Are you going to attack their beautiful and lovely virgin hardwood forests (heh heh, I said "virgin" and "hardwood", heh, heh)?

No, no, I love the Canadians' virgin groves, it's the beavers[1] that scare me. All those teeth! And the environmental impact: why, a colony of the vicious furry critters can strip, denude, lay waste to the beauties of nature, turn a lovely bubbling brook that's crying out for you to splash in it, to dip your face in and satiate yourself in the enervating flow, into a stagnant pond, populated by lurking, vicious, biting creatures who'll rip you to bloody rags.

Hmm. Actually it's probably time I did something about this beaver-phobia of mine. Confront my fears! Bring myself face to face with my nemesis, stare straight into the heart of that which frightens me and learn that it's really just another of nature's beauties, a lovely pet and not a ravening monster.

Unfortunately the creatures seem to be equally frightened of me, and my rare attempts to initiate dialog have ended ignominiously with both parties fleeing in screaming fear.

> I for one am appalled at your lack of sensitivity for the much maligned, but always rather polite Canadian people.
> I challenge thee to a duel, first one to piss on his one feet is the winner!
>Ready? Go!
>
>I win.

Aw heck, I was doing that when I was a toddler, does that make me the winner?


Kevin "no forests were denuded to produce this message" Kelley

[1] w**dchucks on steroids


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 07 Oct 1999 17:33:37 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Hell you frighten the crap out of me...

My work here is done.


Kevin "not that I'll stop or anything" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 11:01:51 -0400

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> See, guys, much as this is all very intelligent and all, THIS is why you're not getting laid.
> That and because most women don't adore geeks the way I do.

Well they should, dammit. And if they don't, screw'em.

JIM, no, not like *that*! ooh, you lot...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 99 16:36:51 GMT

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com "Tim Chew" writes:
> >> 1 day 21 hours.
> >...until quitting time Friday? What, your boss is finally booting your ass out? No, wait, I mean... What, you're finally leaving that boring, dead-end job and moving on to your true calling as a male gigolo and private dancer?
> By god, if only. That'd be so cool

"Once a year??? Then what're you looking so pleased about?"

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*----*---Old folks, old jokes--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 10:45:01 -0600

m.pack.... (Lurker Praps) said:
> Also Sprach Kevin Kelley:
> > I'm betting that you probably won't post pictures of nude breasts as bribery, either, dammit.
> > Kevin "what, you want to see mine instead?" Kelley
> Well, if I can't see my wife's, yours'll have to do, Ke'.

How 'bout if I send you pictures of your wife's, instead? I'm a little more shy than she is.

Kevin "and take good care of my kids, Malc" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 3 Oct 1999 03:56:44 GMT

Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> said:
: Tim Chew wrote:
: > There seems to be many strata in RHOD. The old 'uns (Malc, Barry, etc.), the Late 'tweeners (Paul, Ian), the Early 'tweeners (Me, Jeffery), and the damn kids (You know how you are.
: I'm 21, what does that make me?

In season.

dan, whose bwight wed Siamese fighting fishies are hunting Wiebermans


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: "Paris Beach" <ParisBeach.CapsuleTech.com>
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 18:23:34 +0200

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
> > I'll see your premillennial tension and raise your ocean levels.
> I'll see your global flood and raise my britches.

I'll see your... THE HELL I WILL! Put those damn things back on RIGHT NOW!

-Steven "Now Kimberly..." Forrester


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 21:51:07 -0500

Paul wrote:
} My oldest kid went to college before your kid -- she's 20.5 years old now. It's deceptive that I also have an 8-year-old. Makes me appear younger. BUT I'm only 37.75 years old now, so I AM younger than most people who are older than I am. Including my wife, who had our first kid while I was still in high school and some six years before we even met. I'll always be grateful to her for that.

You're 37! You're not old!

I, OTOH, am 43 with my eldest child being 8 years old. Yesterday, while preceding my wife through a mall (and carrying my 2-year-old,) I was once again mistaken for Norm Abram. Some guy said to his wife "Was that Norm? That could have been Norm." I can't go anywhere anymore without people nudging and winking. My wife couldn't catch up to me because she was laughing too hard. I'm not very grateful to her for that.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 13:24:39 -0400

Al Sharka wrote:
> Nobody Knows wrote:
> > Al Sharka wrote
> > > Hetta:
> > > > So who is Norm?
> > > Here's a picture that I will grudgingly admit has some resemblance. My nose isn't that big, though. http://www.newyankee.com/GetAlbum2.cgi?0normLndn2.jpg
> > I think this one looks much more like you: http://www.newyankee.com/images/NormAbram.jpg
> No, I think that one shows the differences more, like the slit in his teeth, and his eyes are...
> Hey! How would *you* know?

Nobody *Knows*.

JIM, Big Schlongen Is Watching You


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 16:44:19 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>Here's a picture that I will grudgingly admit has some resemblance. My nose isn't that big, though.
>http://www.newyankee.com/GetAlbum2.cgi?0normLndn2.jpg

All righty, so you just put some stripes into your beard, acquire a nice flashy mohawk, and get psychedelic glasses.

If people still nudge and wink after that you can be secure in the knowledge that you've supplied them with -loads- of party chitchat material.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1999 22:56:42 -0500

Daniel Glick wrote:
} Paul wrote
} > (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
} > >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are in a maze of twisted minds, all alike
} > I like it! And so does everybody else here, I'm sure.
} No! We're all individuals!

My wife has just given me permission to say that I am too.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: verslag vergadering CD
From: abuse.londo.freeuk.com (Barry O'Neill)
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 19:53:36 +0100

nobloodynose.aol.com says...
> Matt Kerbel <bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
> > "Nobody Knows" (nobloodynose.aol.com) writes:
> > > Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > >> No, no. You have to stop posting until you're *disgusted*. A few more DMP jokes should do it.
> > > I've decided to stop lurking about and finally ask the pressing question. Who *is* this DMP chap of which you all speak so unfondly, and
> > You misunderstand. Jim means a couple of his jokes will disgust you, not a couple of jokes about him.
> > > what, pray tell, has he done to deserve such abuse?
> > Begged, mostly.
> The masochist says "hurt me" and the sadist says?

"I'm sorry, there isn't time."


From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
: The masochist says "hurt me" and the sadist says?

"I'm gonna shove a chainsaw up your ass and castrate you with a waffle iron."

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't do too well in Psych class


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: verslag vergadering CD
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 09:56:55 -0700

Underpaid Artiscyn <cyn.in.erraticzone.sympatico.ca> wrote:
> Cyn "'But, of course we place our customers first!'" isArt

True story:

At one job I had the boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living up to the slogan "Giving every user what they need."

I politely requested "how do we get them to turn around so we can kick them in the ass?" It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing. I don't work there any more...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: verslag vergadering CD
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1999 21:39:15 -0400

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
[snip]
> } > Now, Nobody Knows what we should do with him.
> } I fancy a nice tun of smoked herring.
> Nah...lutefisk.
> Stored in a cooler.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have two great tastes that taste great together

LOL! ITTM for unusual values of "great".

JIM, oogarama!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 09:53:15 -0700

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> Underpaid Artiscyn <cyn.in.erraticzone.sympatico.ca> said:
> Of course, that's even true with telephony: I was a maintenance tech once on a phone system (military) and one of the favorite late-night pranks of some of my less serious coworkers[1] was to walk the patch panel looking for interesting conversations. Of course that's frowned on. Nobody seems to appreciate geek humor.

Funny, when I talked about people I knew who grep'ed users e-mail some people seem to think this is an invasion of privacy, but frankly it can be rather dull in a server room at 2:00 while waiting for 120Gb of raid array to get formatted (in regular format because "quick" format is "Not to be trusted"--don't ask it's not *my* rule). I of course never actually participated, but I did teach one particular young tech how to use grep, and what kind of word patterns would be most productive. I was *not* the one who suggested he remail what he had found to all the users, that was his own idea.

> > Cyn "Do you wanna read my love letters?" Grant
> Sure, but first run 'em through search and replace to put my name in, they'll be much better that way. Trust me, it'll improve the literary quality immeasurably.

Oh please. Stop. You're killing me.

Better idea Cyn, search through them, replace the recipient's name with "Your Powerful Pierced Piston of Pleasure", then send them to my penis. (Actually he can't read that well, but I can read them to him).

> Kevin "MY love letters, OTOH, are great literature and should be published. posthumously. next week. put down the keyboard, kev [2]" Kelley

Are you about to die? Is this something about the fight you picked with Matt over Hockey, or something to do with the duel between you and me about the brazen insults you have leveling at the fine, upstanding Canadian people and their quaint, but morally sound, traditions?

> [1] NMF -- I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
> [2] cold dead fingers etc.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Date: 11 Oct 1999 09:09:03 -0500

st.ferd2.thristian.org wrote:
> Nobody Knows schrieb:
>>Too late, you're already on the stalking *and* fighting list. This is going to be complicated.
> Am I on a list? *Anyone's* list?

Yeah, you're on my List Of People Never To Put On Any Of My Lists.

...


oh, dang.

-Lars "Shaves himself" Clausen


From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
Date: Thu, 07 Oct 1999 10:32:38 +0100

Underpaid Artiscyn wrote:
> I'm searching--in that round-about, very subtle (heh), unobtrusive way--for information on why Linux is the "way". Is it, indeed, compatible for us over-enthusiastic, under-educated, roughiens, or is it exclusive to you who have been lucky enough to have been educated in the intricacies of the art of hackerville.

Linux isn't difficult, just different. Micro$lop is the parents still feeding you baby food when you're ten, Linux is the older brother who lets you do all the cool stuff when the parents are out.

> Should us with usa.net mail accounts worry?

If you've already got a usa.net mail account, it's a bit late to be asking that.

> Cyn "Do you wanna read my love letters?" Grant

Sure, why not? Everyone else is...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Fri, 08 Oct 1999 05:23:34 -0400

Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>The StarOffice suite (now owned by Sun) can import/export MS Office formats. I don't now offhand which versions of the Word, Excel, etc formats it can handle, though. Then again, the newer versions of the Office apps should be able to read/write older formats, too.

'Should' being the operative word.


From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
That would be so funny if it didn't hurt so much.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Sun, 03 Oct 1999 01:41:18 GMT

Chris Reuter wrote:
>Personally, I just use lynx and Netscape. I mean, this whole www fad isn't going to be around long enough to try to get _stable_ software for it.
>It'll all be over long before Netscape and IE get out of beta.

Yeah, well, the sun will go nova before either of them reaches release quality. We will have evolved into hyperintelligent beings of pure energy before either of them stops leaking memory.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IQ, was Ascii Wars..
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 16:32:06 -0600

tina.starbase.neosoft.com (Tina Marie) said:
> Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> >Hey, that was fun. I got 162 and have to say, I'm very impressed with the validity of this test. I think it put me right where I belonged.
> I'm obviously an idiot. Only 149.

Don't feel badly. A lot of people aren't as smart as I am. It doesn't mean they're bad people, just that they're... well... dumb.

Of course there's another class of persons, those who score _higher_ than me: I call them, cheaters.

Nice little fantasy world I've got here, isn't it?


Kevin "no, I don't actually believe any of that" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IQ, was Ascii Wars..
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Tue, 05 Oct 1999 10:09:57 -0600

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <E9c6zumball.mwis.net> said:
> >Kevin "wants a good game of chess, but my computer beats me" Kelley
> Cheatin' Bitch!

Hey now, I hardly ever cheat. Unless you count "take-back" as cheating, then I almost always cheat. Damn minimax with alpha-beta pruning, anyway!

Kevin "now Go, there's a game. I can handily beat the silicon, playing Go." Kelley

...err, "handily beat the silicon": no, I don't have an implant.


From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Do you need one?


From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Will it improve my chess?
Kevin "otherwise, no" Kelley


From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Ifin' you get the right implant it will improve your chest.
Of course big boobs on men look funny.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IQ, was Ascii Wars..
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 06 Oct 1999 12:16:18 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>>Nobody Knows <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
>>} I do that sometimes. He helps throw off the throngs of people searching for my penis.
>>s/throngs/thongs/
>What does removing people's footwear have to do with penii?

So what you're saying is yours doesn't hang down to your feet.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Should I start feeling insecure about now?


From: "Paris Beach" <ParisBeach.CapsuleTech.com>
You call yours "insecure"?
-Steven "Hundreds of names, why?" Forrester


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IQ, was Ascii Wars..
From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)
Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 19:20:58 GMT

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> wrote:
>Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote in message
>> Your sense for humorous misspellings needs an upgrade. Here:
http://offered-today-only.com/new-brain.html - and get a semprini while you're at it.
>I tried that link and it didn't work. What gives?

Is it the 4th already? Bother. Next year, maybe, there'll be another offer.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: We apologize for this brief interruption...
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Fri, 01 Oct 99 18:19:42 GMT

m.pack.... "Lurker Praps" writes:
> > Bye all, I'm off to the US for a week (the city with two names twice, as James Blish would say). See you after that.
> New New Orleans Orleans?

Minneapolis-St Paul Minneapolis-St Paul, so good it fills up most of the page.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---Personally, I don't think that Bishop's Itchington--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--should have been named even once--*---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Umberto (was Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1117)
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sat, 09 Oct 1999 14:55:03 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Daniel Glick wrote:
>} <gnohmon8715> wrote
>} > In ancient times, extreme scores of 1.4 and 4.9 were achieved. Because there are now more voters, these scores represent records that will never be broken, just like Babe Ruth's record of 60 home runs in one year.
>} That's a troll, right?
>Why? And how does a candy bar hit home runs? Give you the runs, maybe...

And if you're not at home when it happens, and you're embarassed to visit public toilets, then you'll run home, and if you eat sixty or more Baby Ruth bars in a year, and you have this happen each time, then, well, there you are. Sixty home runs in a single year.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Umberto (was Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1117)
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: 09 Oct 1999 15:17:21 +0100

Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson) writes:
> twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com "Tim Chew" writes:
> > Of course I also had your goast-buster pegged as a poor knock off,
> For some reason, I parsed this as goat-buster, which hints at dark secrets on my, Tim's, or both of our parts. Not to mention providing a possible clue to the fate of the priestly inflatable sheep.

Flee. All is known.

signed

A Friend


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Now!
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Mon, 04 Oct 1999 13:05:59 GMT

m.pack.... (Lurker Praps) wrote:
>Also Sprach Paul:
>> >The culmination of (within a few hours) 19 years of progressively harder work happens NOW! Woohoo!
>> Lemme guess. Alexis is turning 19 and you're giving him the ol' heave-ho?
>No, he's 18 years and three months. :-)

Ah yes, I think I get the picture. Let's take a look at the situation almost exactly 19 years ago...

[Dizzy Wavy Lines and Harp Music]

Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay troops, a scout has reported a hole in the diaphragm!
Sperm Troopers [in unison]: Huzzah!
Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay, Corporal Gizwick is passing out these special suits for passage through the spermicidal jelly. We haven't ever had a chance to test these, so we don't...
Random Sperm Trooper: Sarge! Sarge! Private Alexis just slipped through the hole!
Sperm Platoon Leader: Without a suit? Oh good grief. He'll never make it. Okay, where are those vagoculars? Oh, here they are. [Looks through the hole in the wall] Oooh, there he goes. Jesus Christ, he's IN! Look at him go. That's a zygote if I ever saw one.
Another Random Sperm Trooper: Sarge! Sarge!
Sperm Platoon Leader: What is it?
Another Random Sperm Trooper: Private Alexis was wearing these before he went through, but then he took them off.
Sperm Platoon Leader [to Corporal Gizwick]: What, um, exactly are these?
Gizwick: Well sir, they look like nipple clamps.
Sperm Platoon Leader: Nipple clamps?
Gizwick: Nipple clamps, sir.
Sperm Platoon Leader: Gizwick, forgive me for seeming dense, but exactly WHERE would a sperm trooper put nipple clamps? It's not like we have nipples, now is it?
Gizwick: Um, no, sir. I don't suppose we do have any nipples.
Sperm Platoon Leader: And?
Gizwick: So these nipple clamps were a complete red herring, and a total waste of your time. Shall I jump into the nonoxynol, sir?
Sperm Platoon Leader: No, no, Corporal. Your intentions were just. We need SOMETHING to explain the behavior this child will display during his teen years. Nipple clamps on the sperm that begat him were a good, albeit totally silly, attempt.
Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: Sir, is that what this whole sketch is about? Just trying to explain the behavior of an adolescent?
Sperm Platoon Leader: Why yes, it is. Why do you ask?
Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: Well, sir, my aunty became a teenager, and she behaved rather badly too!
Another Random Sperm Trooper: Yeah, and my cousin's nephew was fine until fourteen, then he was really bad for about six years, and then he settled down and was fine!
Sperm Platoon Leader: So what you're saying is that all this is inevitable?
Yet Another Random Sperm Trooper: I suppose so sir. But Alexis did have a couple pinch marks on his chest, if that makes you feel any better.
Sperm Platoon Leader: What I really want to know is how he made it through the nonoxynol-9.
Gizwick: Doesn't really look much like nonox to me sir. Looks more like Smuckers.
Sperm Platoon Leader: Smuckers? Hmm. With a name like Smuckers...well no matter. We're all going to die from old age soon, anyway.
Gizwick: Bugger.
Sperm Platoon Leader: Oh it's not all that bad, Corporal. At least one of our troopers got through. Not like we were wanking this time, now was it?
Gizwick: True, sir, true. Since we're all going to die, can we have a prayer, sir?
Sperm Platoon Leader: Certainly.
[Praying]
Our Father, who art tumescent,
Hard-on be thy name.
Thy kingdom cum,
Thy spill be fertile,
In vagino and in vitro.
Lead us not into a blowjob,
And deliver us from reservoir tips,
For thine is the genetic code, and
the gamete and the zygote etcetera
etcetera etcetera,

All: AMEN
Sperm Platoon Leader: Okay, troops, we're all going to die now, since Alexis was the one who made it through.
Sperm Troopers: Bugger!
Sperm Platoon Leader: Oh it's not all that bad. We all knew it would come to this. Take it like a sperm!

[Suddenly, vinegar and water wash them all out. THE END.]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1118-09
From: dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 5 Oct 1999 20:21:06 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> said:
: gnohmon8715.my-deja.com wrote:
: >(Greg Lindsey) wrote:
: > > ... [snip] ... oraculate ... [snip] ...
: > When I was a lad, we didn't have a word for it. So, I asked the Oracle, the result was Digested[2], and now there is a word for what we do when we send askmes and tellmes and answers.
: > Oraculate. Oraculating. It's official.
: Well I've never had a line *that* straight before.

*psst* Hey Al! "I read it for the articles" is not meant to be taken literally.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't even *know* 'er fold


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: new !!!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 23:18:35 +1100

Laurent Schreyer schrieb:
<French snipt.>
Courtesy of Babelfish:
<intro and URL snipt>
>It is the history of a driver heavy lorry who arrives in a transport café. It is put at the bar and starts to tell:
>It me arrived from there good... Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground.
>My truck came out of the road on ten terminals from here... Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground. I was completely planted in the fields... Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground.
>Suddenly arrives a 2CV... Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground.
>It was led by pédé who says to me: I will leave you from there with my car... Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground.
>Then I answers him: if you manage to leave my truck with your "deuche", I cut you a pipe.. . HAAAA! PUTAIN OF 2CV!!! and it spits by ground.

Any french-speakers here want to tell me what on earth this means before I put "Ha! putain of 2CV! and it spits by ground." into my .sig file, and potentially embarrass myself in front of every François and Quebeçois?

I think afda has a new insult.

Screwtape
Your mother was a putain of 2CV, and your father spits by ground.


From: "Paris Beach" <ParisBeach.CapsuleTech.com>
Don't forget, you asked...

C'est l'histoire d'un chauffeur poids lourd qui arrive dans un relais routier. Il se met au bar et commence à raconter :
This is the story of a semi driver who arrives in a truck stop. He goes to the bar (remember, this is in France) and starts to tell a story:

Il m'en est arrivé une bonne... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.
Something funny happened to me... Ha! Fscking 2CV (a 2CV is a *very*small French car, named for the engine, which was originally 2 horsepower, hence 2 cheveaux) and he spits on the ground.

Mon camion est sorti de la route à dix bornes d'ici... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre. J'étais complètement planté dans le champs... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.
My truck left the road 10km from here (spits) I was completely stuck in a field (spits).

Tout à coup arrive une 2CV... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.
Suddely, a 2CV arrived (spits).

Elle était conduite par un pédé qui me dit : je vais vous sortir de là avec ma voiture... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.
It was driven by a homo who said to me "I'll pull you out of the field with my car" (spits)

Alors je lui répond : si tu arrives à sortir mon camion avec ta "deuche", j'te taille une pipe... HAAAA!PUTAIN DE 2CV !!! et il crache par terre.
So, I answered: "if you can pull my 18-wheeler out of the field with your 2CV (deuche sounds like the first part of 2CV when pronounced in French), I'll give you a blow job. (spits)

> Screwtape
> Your mother was a putain of 2CV, and your father spits by ground.

This is actually pretty good, "putain" is literally "whore", so "your mother was a putain de 2CV", and evidently the father was the 2CV that spits...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: new !!!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 10:02:27 -0400

What with Kimberly off doing the spleen thing, I guess I'm left as the Designated Canananananadian. So it's my responsibility to translate:

On Wed, 6 Oct 1999, Laurent Schreyer wrote:
> Salut !!

Sluts! [so it's a porn site.]

> Juste une petite pour vous annoncer l'ouverture de mon nouveau site.

Justine's little pores open for you at my new site.
[I've never heard them called *that* before!]

> C'est l'histoire d'un chauffeur poids lourd qui arrive dans un relais routier. Il se met au bar et commence à raconter :

This is the story of a chaffeur with long feet who arrives relatively late. He meets himself in a bar and tells this story:
["long feet".. wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!]

> Il m'en est arrivé une bonne... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.

He came to me in a good Ha! Poutine at 2 volts! And he crashed to Earth!
[Obviously the "Ha" is some European compact car, like the "Twingo" or the "Smart"]

> Mon camion est sorti de la route à dix bornes d'ici... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.

My truck logged out of the Bourne shell ten times from here. Ha! Poutine at 2 volts! And he crashed to Earth!
[I'm thinking that maybe 2 V is too high a voltage for the Ha-Poutine interface. Isn't 1.5 V the standard?]

> J'étais complètement planté dans le champs... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.

I was complementing plants in the fields. [etc.]

> Tout à coup arrive une 2CV... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.

Everything arrives with a 2 volt interface. [etc.]
[Then why does he keep crashing?]

> Elle était conduite par un pédé qui me dit : je vais vous sortir de là avec ma voiture... Ha ! putain de 2CV ! et il crache par terre.

She climbed out of the duct on foot and says to me: I'm going to leave in my car... a Ha! [etc.]
[He could have warned her about all the problems he's been having with his Ha]

> Alors je lui répond : si tu arrives à sortir mon camion avec ta "deuche", j'te taille une pipe... HAAAA! PUTAIN DE 2CV !!! et il crache par terre.

And then I responded: if you come to leave my truck with your Feminine Hygiene Product, I am your tail pipe. [etc]
[Here's where it starts getting raunchy..]

> Kevicar

So obviously this is some Anti-Ha pr0n site sponsored by the KeviCar company. Oooh, those French!

JIM, allez! allez avec votre spam!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey (Was: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!)
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 10:04:15 -0700

Tom "Tom" Harrington <tph.acm.org> wrote:
> Oh, BTW, all Canadians are beer-swilling idiots who say "Eh" a lot. And like to tango.

Oh, so now *you* are attacking the fine Canadian people, just because they tend to have a slightly lower than average intelligence and frequently use alcohol to help thin their blood in the freezing conditions of their homeland.

All right, I'm going to take on the whole lot of you, kick ass and take names...

Hey, wait a second, I'm not Canadian...In fact I don't even *know* any Canadians (in the biblical sense, well, one girl _told_ me she was in Canada--does CyberBiblical count?).


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey (Was: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!)
From: cgreuter.calum.csclub.uwaterloo.ca (Chris Reuter)
Date: 15 Oct 1999 00:20:43 GMT

Tim Chew <twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com> wrote:
> Nathan Sullivan did thusly type:
>>--Nathan "Cascade Cop, 15 years late and making up for lost time" Sullivan
>Son-of-a... The damned undead are posting again.

Vampire Hacker
Awake all night, sleeps all day. Awake all night, sleeps all day.
Liquid diet (blood) Liquid diet (Jolt)
Pale skin Pale skin
Gaunt Gaunt
Wears black Wears black jeans + KMFDM T-Shirts
Terrifies the peasants Terrifies the suits
"Wolves, the children of the night. Listen to their beautiful music." "Want some MP3s?"
Attracts dozens of women with his mystique Nnnnnggggg! Thud! Thud! Thud!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey (Was: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!)
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 07 Oct 1999 17:33:29 -0600

"Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com> said:
> Look, what I take offense to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.

Hey, at least when _I_ take a leak it doesn't dribble on my foot. No, in fact, _I_ can water the flowers from across the sidewalk.


From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Sidewalk? What an underachiever. You need to practice more until you can do it from across the street.


From: Nol Smi <nolan_s.my-deja.com>
Street? What an underachiever. You need to practice more until you can do it from across the Thames.


From: Paul
Remember the other day when it seemed to be raining in London? I'm in Atlanta.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Proof that rhod is nothing more than a big pissing contest.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey (Was: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!)
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Fri, 8 Oct 1999 14:08:39 -0700

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
> Kevin "hates it when his imaginary friends don't follow the script" Kelley

So tell me Kevin, do your imaginary friends often do things that you don't want them to do? Like touch people on the bus? Or perhaps smell things that are best left alone? Do they try to get you to *do* things for them? Do any of your imaginary friends think they rule the universe? Or perhaps they think that beautiful and intelligent girls from other countries should write you love letters? Do they make you pick fights with people or sometimes pick fights with you? Do they sometimes take all of your medication without asking you? Do they try to convince you that the bodies would be easy to hide? How long have you had your imaginary friends Kevin? Do they sometimes refuse to talk to you? Do you think you're better looking than all of your imaginary friends, and smarter too? Are your imaginary friends aware that you're delusional? Do they know they are imaginary, or are they as convinced about their existence as you are? Do you like hospitals Kevin? Would you like to stay in the hospital for a while? Did you know you can hide bodies in the hospital with ease?


From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
MOM!!! Make him stop! Where's my tinfoil?
Kevin "don't worry son, they'll go away if you don't think about them" Kelley


From: m.pack.... (Lurker Praps)
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} That's 8 counts of "Yes", 9 of "No", 3 of "My name's not Kevin." and a "ZOT!" to go, you grovelless bepierced weirdo.
} You owe the Oracle fewer questions at once and some Paracematodes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hockey (Was: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!)
From: m.pack.... (Lurker Praps)
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 08:04:57 +0100

Also Sprach Nobody Knows:
> Je suis desole, je n'ai rien a plus declarer, excepte mon enorme et percant penis.

I was going to correct "percant" to "percé" until I realised that:

a You may have wanted us to believe the former[0].
and
b This would imply that you have a Percy Percé, which is too silly even by RHOD standards.

[0] In which case ITYM "perçant"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Heeee's baaaaaaacccccckkkkkkk!!!! Re: FREE ENERGY !
From: Al Sharka <asharka.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 08:41:34 -0500

Ross Clement wrote:
> Are there any RHODites out there who don't know who Canter and Siegal are?

Faster than a speeding E-mail,
More powerful than an angry sysadmin,
Able to leap corporate firewalls with a single "Mail To: "

In the guise of ordinary netizens, at the first scent of opportunity, mild mannered ad agents Canter and Siegal doff their drab everyday cover to become: *SuperSpam*! With their trusty sidekick David Rhodes, they fight common courtesy, truth, and The American Way(tm).



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