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1999 09 C

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: <lee1089.kettering.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 01:36:37 -0400

Kimberly Chapman wrote:
> Screwtape wrote in message ...
> >Kimberly Chapman schrieb:
> >>You clearly haven't seen pictures of enough rhodites.
> >Neither have we. Hint hint.
> If I show you a picture, it will ruin your imagination.

That's okay, I was pretty much done using it anyway.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 08:17:10 -0500

Matthew Thomas wrote:
>Al Sharka wrote:
>>Matthew Thomas wrote:
>>> Females in this froup:
>>> * Kimberley Chapman
>>> * Henriette Kress
>>> * ... uh, Kimberley Chapman
>>> Didn't they tell you this wasn't the place to meet women, Drew?
>>Carla, Cici, Cyn, Kirsten. What's with the K and C, anyway?
>It's Kacee's backdraft.

It's too easy. I won't do it.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 12:03:58 +1000

Ian Davis wrote:
> Tigress of Tigris wrote:
> > Oh, my Lord, did they ever!
> No need to be formal in this group, you can just call me "Ian."

(OK, so it's a recycled joke, but many of the current rhodites weren't here the first time! What do you want, originality?)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, here I am
From: kmh4.pge.com (Ken Harlan)
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 09:11:37 PDT

Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> writes:
>Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
>> Ian wrote:
>> >Carla Miriam Levy wrote:
>> >> We had one in Criminal law where these shipwrecked arsitocrats
>> >Nice tyop, BTW.
>> Especially good. Possilyb nto a toyp.
>Actually, I am arfaid it wsa a tyop. I canton tkae credti.
>> As an aside, how is it crim law if it happened on the high seas? The port of registration of the ship or the lifeboat? The latter would rarely be registered is my guess.
>I don't actually know the answer to this question. Evidently the Queen's Bench Division felt the offense was covered by English law, because they were tried and convicted there. It happened in 1884. I suppose that there was incentive to exercise some kind of jurisdiction over English subjects even on the high seas, considering what a seafaring nation it was.

IIRC, they were not convicted for the murder or cannibalism, but for serving the wrong wine with the deckhand.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 22:16:47 -0600

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> said:
> Lurker Praps wrote:
> > Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> > >--And why is Carrie Fisher wearing a fur bikini like Raquel Welch?
> > My third-favourite non-goat.
> It has to be asked. Only third? I'd like to see the rest of the non-goat list.

Me, I wanta see the goats!


Kevin "he says sheepishly" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: "Drew Gillmore" <d_gillmore.hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 21:31:55 -0500

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
: Corran Webster <cwebster.math.tamu.edu> said:
: : Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net> wrote:
: : > Drew Gillmore <d_gillmore.hotmail.com> wrote:
: : > > doing it for an Oracle located _right_ _here_ in Dallas!
: : > Woah, the newbie is another Texan!

(Two labels that somehow make me want to go : Well howdy y'all! I'm new round these here parts, an' I was just wunneren' where to hang my hat! My ascii .sig is what my belt buckle looks like!

    ______________________________________
   /                                      \
  /  *****    *****    *****  *    *    *  \
 |   *    *   *    *   *      *   * *   *   |
 |   *     *  * * *    *****   * *   * *    |
 |   *    *   *   *    *        *     *     |
  \  *****    *    *   *****    *     *    /
   \ _____________________________________/

I feel unclean.)

: : There's prolly some sort of conservation law going on here. I finally escape from Texas, so another rhodite had to be created ex nihilo to keep the number of psters from Texas constant.
: Drew was created from Nils? If so, Drew, you might not want to admit to this.

Actually, the story of my creation is quite fascinating.

You see, nigh on three decades ago there were two minor deities known as Chitzpah, the minor god of Nails Left In The Wall, and Mikowski, the minor goddess of Thumbtacks Left In The Wall, who were at war. Both wanted to be the Greater Deity of Nails and Thumbtacks Left In The Wall, but neither had the recognition or blessing of the Greater Deities, and both were told on seperate occasions that bringing down the other would bring them the attention they desired. The Greater Deities secretly hoped that they would manage to off each other in the process. It seemed obvious to the Greater Deities that the nails and thumbtacks could take care of themselves.

After many years of struggling, Chitzpah was getting the upper hand and was on his way to the Halls of the Greater Deities, which were built on the highest cliffs overlooking the sea, to petition their support in his endeavors so that he could finish off Mikowski. Meanwhile, Mikowski was also on her way to petition support so that she could regain the lost ground. Both thought they were favored.

As chance would have it, they showed up in line at the same time, Mikowski getting number 72 and Chitzpah getting number 73. Around the waiting room many other minor deities were sitting and waiting for their turn to petition the Greater Gods. Oserk, the minor god of Household Appliances was estudiously reading an outdated magazine while Denia, the minor goddess of Pocket Vanity Mirrors stared off at the wall and swung her foot idly. Garmeson, the minor god of Ashtrays Stolen From Holiday Inns, and Bormathal, the minor god of Towels Stolen From Motel Sixes, and Garmeson's twin, sat conferring in the corner.

Several other minor deities were arrayed throughout the room, while elevator music permeated the air, and the lit up numbers in the corner said that the Greater Deities were now serving number 53.

At first, Chitzpah was furious about Mikowski getting the number ahead of him, almost certain that she would be granted her request, whatever that would be, because she would able to lay her petition first. Mikowski certainly seemed to think so, as she smugly grinned across the room at her declared arch-nemesis. After thinking about it, though, Chitzpah became more convinced that the deities would grant him the backing he needed to finish Mikowski off, once and for all, regardless of what Mikowski requested. Had they not commanded him to vanquish Mikowski? Surely they favored him.

As Chitzpah's face grew less red and raged, Mikowski's smile grew less smug, until they sat and just eyed each other warily across the coffee table.

Time went by, and petitioners were seen in the order of the number they selected. Finally time came for Mikowski to go before the Greater Deities and she laid her request before them, asking that she be granted the power to clone herself and make a woman so beautiful and desirable that Chitzpah would not be able to resist her, and falling for a mortal he would lose his status as a minor deity and be condemned to mortality.

The Greater Deities conferred and decreed that her petition be granted.

On her way out, she smiled venemously at Chitzpah. Chitzpah, a little disconcerted but still convinced that he was favored, made his petition to the Greater Deities, asking that they grant him the power to clone himself and make a man so beautiful and desirable that Miskowski would fall in love immediately and forsake her minor godhood for him.

The Greater Deities conferred and decreed that his petition be granted.

After they left the Greater Deities threw a party, thinking they had seen the last of those two minor deities.

So Mikowski and Chitzpah went each to their hideout and called upon the power of the Greater Deities, each cloning themselves and creating what they had requested, and then sent their creations to their enemy. Chitzpah named his perfect man "Jules" and Mikowski named her perfect woman "Beth".

Unfortunately, both Chitzpah and Mikowski were gay, and neither created human had the effect that was assumed.

Returning to their creators in failure, Beth and Jules reported that none of their charms could entice their respective master's sworn enemy.

Which is when Chitzpah fell in love with Jules, and Mikowski fell in love with Beth.

Unfortunately, neither Beth nor Jules were created gay, and scorned their master's love.

Heartbroken and destitute, both Mikowski and Chitzpah threw themselves into the sea from the tall cliffs near the Halls of the Greater Gods, renouncing their godhood, each thinking that they had destroyed themselves and given their enemy the upper hand.

Both Jules and Beth, now masterless, decided to go to the Greater Deities to find out what their purpose in life was. There, in the waiting room, they met each other and fell in love. Unfortunately, all the other minor deities in the waiting room fell in love with them as well, and when it was seen that they had eyes for none but each other, each minor deity went outside the waiting room and threw themselves into the sea from the tall cliffs, until the waiting room was empty except for Beth and Jules. Hand in hand they went in to petition the Greater Deities, who awed at their beauty and charm fell instantly in love with them as well.

They too, became bereft with loss when their offers of undying and immortal love were declined, and made even taller cliffs overlooking the sea to throw themselves from.

Just before the last Greater Deity that had to sit on the petitioning committee that day, the Deity of Envy and Jealousy, threw Itself (it was neither male nor female, and couldn't decide which he was heartbroken over more) from the cliff, it cast a curse on Jules and Beth, declaring that they would be barren, and have no children to carry on the grace and beauty that had been created from them.

Jules and Beth married, and for years afterwards, the two mortals searched for any Greater or minor deity that would reverse the Curse. Unfortunately, their beauty and grace was such that every Deity they found fell instantly in love with them and then threw themselves from the tall cliffs near the Halls of The Greater Deities into the sea.

Until they met Gertrude, the minor deity of Throwing Yourself From A Cliff Into The Sea In A Lovelorn Fashion. She agreed to tell them how to reverse the Curse, but the price would be that none of their offspring would possess the grace and beauty that was inherent in their nature. They both quickly agreed, and then Gertrude told them the only way to reverse the curse was for both of them to be unfaithful in their wedding vows.

This greatly angered Jules and Beth, because they loved each other very much and would never consider breaking their vows. So they took Gertrude and threw her into the sea from the highest cliff that could be found near the Halls of the Greater Deities.

At this point there was only one deity left in the world. A very minor deity named Frank who was god of Pennies Left In The Center Consoles Of Cars In The Junkyard. He was automatically bestowed to Greater Godhood, and in his gratitude renounced the curse laid upon Jules and Beth, hoping to win Beth's favor with his mercy.

Unfortunately, she scorned him. In his wrath he created a human male and cursed Beth to fall in love with him as well as Jules and never to be able to choose between them, then created the highest cliff ever near the Halls of the Greater Deities and threw himself into the sea from it.

When Beth professed her love for the other male to Jules, he became so heart broken that he climbed Frank's cliff and threw himself into the sea.

Beth couldn't bear the loss of Jules as she loved both Jules and the male Frank created.

So she, too, threw herself into the sea from Frank's cliff.

The male, not knowing of Majestic Love Lost, and How To Deal With Heartbreak In True Lovelorn Fashion, got over it all and went on to lead some semblance of a normal life, without the interference of godly maneuvering and perfect grace and beauty.

So here I am, the male that was created to destroy the perfect love.

And the moral of the story is "Better to have loved and lost then to throw yourself into the sea from the highest cliff." or "Those who live in Cliff Houses shouldn't Grow Clones."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: "GW De Lacey" <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 22:11:06 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan <gordol.gordol.org> wrote:
> Daniel E. Macks said:
> > I'll see your World's Shortest Top-10 List and raise you an angry mob about to set your accordion on fire.
> A Gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

I have very fond memories of the accordion:
The Gumlu quarterly ball at the fertiliser warehouse, the call for volunteers. Ted Green will, of course, play the accordion. Preparation time, the standard mixing of pepper with the Pops (as if the ladies didn't know). Fairy lights connected to the shop generator. Firewood to boil water for the tea and in which to hide the sly grog.

The ball starts at 7:00 sharp. Ted Green is in fine form on the accordion. Dan Mac Affee leads the first waltz then retires to the wood heap. Ladies sit at one end of the hall, gents at the other, trying to summon courage.

The accordion sounds like an orchestra. Most of the gents are gathered around the wood heap, drinking a brown substance that is definitely not tea. Abortive attempts to get into Kathy Anderson's pants, and later success with Celia Petrovski.

Ted Green has been playing the accordion for 5 hours now, and the night is drawing to a close. Auld Lang Syne, then the long drive home, ready for the next daybreak start on the dirt farm. The sound of the accordion stays for days.

--
GW 'Tough but somehow good times' De Lacey


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 99 16:23:21 GMT

thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org "Screwtape" writes:
> lee1089.kettering.edu schrieb:
> > Screwtape wrote:
> >> | "... we're all individuals here, of course ..." "I'm not." -- from a.f.d-a
> >as stolen from rhod.
> Well, I don't recall it in rhod. In fact, I've seen it as a .sig on /. so I guess it's one of those old jokes. Nevertheless, I recall first seeing it on %afda.

I'm sorry but, er... you're really honestly admitting publicly on Usenet to not recognising a Python quote? Don't people have to spend 3 months on k12.chat.junior as a penance for that anymore? What's happened to standards?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---*---*----*----Yeah, so Richard is Dickus in Latin, but the---
--*----*--*-----*-height of my wanking is stwictly a twade secwet--


Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams,rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hi, I'm not a student and never was.
From: sharku <sharku.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 10:40:12 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
}Sharku schrieb:
}>Screwtape wrote:
}>}Sharku schrieb:
}>}>webrunner wrote:
}>}>> What is a screwtape anyway?
}>}>Devil if I know.
}>}
}>}My dear Sharku,
}>}
}>}I see you have noticed some of my excursions into the humans' primitive computer network. Although it is, of course, vastly inferior to any of the ingenious automated surveillance systems created by the Infernal Technology department, I trust you understand that my actions are only designed to continue the great work of Our Master Below, and not any kind of rebellion against the Lowerarchy. I trust you will understand the sensitive nature of such information, if misrepresented, and will not endevour to try to use it against me. You remember what happened to your colleagues Wormwood and Gargslob, don't you? Good.
}>}
}>}Your affectionate uncle,
}>} Screwtape.
}>
}>To my esteemed Uncle Screwloose,
}>
}>I have indeed been apprised of your recent questionable activities regarding the humans' primordial attempt at sentience.
}>
}>Although we both know just how rudimentary their current efforts are, you have always been the one to instruct that they should be discouraged from any development whatsoever in any realm of science, for that only leads to questioning their existence, and that is just the toehold that you-know-who needs to ruin centuries of dedicated efforts that my esteemed collegues (whom you have listed above) have engendered, not to mention my own small efforts in that arena. Your interference can only serve to make the humans aware that there truly is something beyond the grasp of their reality. Are you sure that you wish to continue in this vein of research? Your meanderings are sure to be noticed by the failsafes installed by the IT department and I, for one, will be glad to be far away when Our Lord and Master gets wind of your experimentation. I certainly hope that you are protected by a firewall.
}>
}>Your obedient nephew,
}>
}>Sharku
}
}My dear Sharku,
}
}You seem quite sure of yourself, I see. Confidence can be quite a virtue in some circumstances, but I think you ought to be a little more wary of your surroundings before making such brash statements. Remember, Faith and Trust are some of the more repugnant of Our Enemy's attributes.
}
}But I digress. Your most recent letter seems to indicate a more fundamental misunderstanding with regard to the mental operation of these little two-legged beasties. The very operations and magnum opi carried out by our predecessors practically *ensures* that even open discussion on a forum such as this (How limiting this language is, to be sure!) will be assumed to be a forgery. We are perfectly safe. Have I not said that all our history has been leading up to this point, where mankind as a whole believes nothing and everything? Our time is coming - let them laugh.
}
}Which brings me to another point. You are continually misquoting me. For a brief overview, may I remind you that some of our greatest triumphs have been those who doubted their existence? Look how many years of fruitful labour were wasted by Decartes, trying to prove he existed! Endeavour in the sciences is also an admirable effort - thanks to the hard work put in a century ago, it is nearly impossible to have a credible career in the sciences and also be allied to Our Enemy.
}
}Don't think I cannot see your foolish ploy, including famous trigger words in an attempt to frame me - the IT deparment has progressed much further than that. Don't allow your ideas of human technology to limit your fear of the Lowerarchy! I fear it would be remiss of me not to return the warning - all these interactions are being logged and recorded, and ultimately analysed. I need not remind you of the penalties for insubordination.
}
}Your affectionate Uncle,
}Screwtape.

To my erudite Uncle Screwball,

I must remind you that it was not I who started this exchange sequence, and it was indeed you who chose the manner of communication. It will all be revealed in the end who is actually to blame once the fecal material is distributed via an entirely human means of air circulation.

And do not speak to me of confidence! Arrogance on your part is more the order of the day. You do not even attempt to disguise your nom de plume. Are you of such an opinion that those "two-legged beasties" are not in the least curious whenever they get mentioned in the third person? You seem to have utter disregard for the possibility that there may be some spark of underlying intelligence amongst the denizens of these two supposedly different cultures which, I might add, approach convergence more often than one might imagine. This alone is a sign that an awareness and true mental development is at work here. You can only stall the effects of evolution just so long. You do not live among them to notice the gradual cognisance starting to form. There are those who seek answers that are not swayed by your techniques, and are actually starting to pay attention to our little conversations. Perhaps it is fortunate that the language has such deficiencies, as it would reveal too much of our intent to converse in our own.

I must admit to you that it was a masterstroke of genius to cross-post your earlier farewell missive. The resulting chaos and the distraction it caused among these two cloisters of subjects was a true (here, you must pardon the term) joy to observe. Nothing could have revealed to me more your true nature and devotion to our Master.

Out of utter admiration for your (here, you must again pardon the term, I merely illustrate my point with an antonymous adverb) "Heavenly" inspiration, I have attempted to reproduce your efforts. Surely even you will admit that something need be done soon to head off further investigations into our nature. I am quite positive that you will be proud of the initiative I have taken in this matter, and indeed, you should be flattered that I have followed your lead.

Your respectful Nephew,
Sharku

From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Certainly one of the oddest flame wars I've ever read. Although the term has never been more appropriate...


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

My dear Sharku,

I must say that at first your latest missive caught me much by surprise. The last tempter who addressed me as "Screwball" became a much-appreciated guest at a little banquet I held. And your rather brusque manner when speaking to your superiors perhaps should be curbed, but in your moments of non-abrasive lucidity your stated position does have a possible benefit or two, and towards the end of discovering it, I shall omit the usual disciplinary action. I will even admit that the various concepts you appear to think highly of (which I shall not name - *I* understand the monitoring system!) made the bile rise in my throat, but your ill-explained excuses show that perhaps you did not know the meaning of your words.

As I continually remind you, you underestimate the groundwork laid down for us by previous generations. Surely you recall the fictional work published by one of their lesser scribes so many years ago? In case your memory is as malformed as your manners, I shall remind you that it contained an "exposé" of our operations as "revealed" to an ally of Our Enemy. The excellent and pervasive work of our statistics department informs us that, in addition to the ever-popular and amusing public perceptions of "devils" as nefarious illusory beings from ancient fables or silly figures in red suits with tails, the literary form mooted in that tome is now regarded by their thinkers as a valid metaphor, an illusion, a fantasy just as ridiculous as our previous ones.

Yes, it is true that episodic self-awareness occasionally surfaces among them, and perhaps occasionally they begin to suspect our play with their minds. But remember - the characters we portray are literary figures. I've previously established my identity as a 19-year old uni student. I'm a bit of a book-worm, bit of a geek, isn't it likely I'd have read The Screwtape Letters, and just be trying to imitate it's style? Heck, I've probably let loose enough clues to my behaviour that I'm being stalked. Isn't it just a *tad* more likely that I'm just having a bit of pastiche fun instead of doing my LaGrangian Dynamics assignment, as opposed to the fairly unlikely idea that Evil Spirits have invaded usenet?

Sharku, have I not constantly reminded you that "reality", by which I mean their limited view of what is "real" and what is "unreal", not our own, is our constant ally? If one of your charges (in your *responsibility* as well as in your control, I might add) begins to suspect *anything*, remind them of little witty sayings like, You Shouldn't Believe Everything You Read On Usenet, or terms like "netkooks". Enough of them keep telling each other the most absurd nonsense that a little few missives professing a well-known "disproven" concept, between fellows "known" to be normal people can hardly be noticed.

Finally, about your attempts at indulging in a little chaos. I suspect a little added entropy in the form of a "cascade" or "troll" would probably have longer-term effects on average, but even I was delighted by the responses to and longetivity of my last research project. The only slight flaw I can see is that such a series of personal messages does not leave much scope for "audience participation" as it were, but I suspect that perhaps some of them might wish to compose a reply "in character" - that *would* be quite an interesting outcome. After all, does not one of them style herself a "demon goddess" of some kind?

Although I cannot summarily approve of your daring move, I shall watch it with much interest. There is hope for you yet, dear Sharku.

Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape.


From: Sharku <asharka.my-deja.com>

To my dear, brilliant, understanding, powerful, and mighty Uncle Screwtape,

I must apologise for the elapsed time since my last communication with you, but you see I have been extremely busy trying to determine just what is going on up here so that I can try to rectify the situation. It seems as though the beasties have caught on to the underlying principles of this "internet" as they call it, and discovered that they are directly applicable to the machinery that they use to perform their day-to-day inconsequential tasks.

As you well know, our Master, who uses several aliases, the most prominent of which is William, has had his minions working deathlessly on the project to keep the mortals confused and unable to realize the true potential of the infernal machines they use to interact with one another. Truly is our Master great in his plan to continually change the way the underlying programs work and cause unexpected interruptions, and forcing endless upgrades and sole dependence on Him, for in that direction alone lies the way to prevent any cohesive cooperative ventures amongst the human masses. It was a true genius that could conceive of the scheme to slowly eliminate all other programs other than the ones He converted for His purpose from their inner workings.

However, the damned beasties have recently been enlightened by some event as to the possibility that there could actually be an alternative to running only our Master's Original Software on their Black Boxes. They are slowly replacing the programs that their current hardware runs with something that the IT department used as a primitive basis for it's monitoring systems, and indeed may still be the basis for "Their" observance, and they seem to have adapted a particular strain of this...this...*virus* to regain control of their own systems.

Have you been informed of this mindset, Uncle Screwtape? I can only mention the first initial here: "L" for fear of being detected myself by the IT department. They have even chosen a cold-weather animal from the lower regions of the earth, almost in mockery, as the "mascot" of this project. I am appealing to you here, Uncle. You must help me out, or suggest some plan of action, for I fear the Gates have been burst, and our Enemy has begun to wrest control of the humans from us. I do not know what caused this recent leak, but I'm sure based on your last correspondence that it was nothing I have said here in these conversations.

Your obedient, hopeful, *pleading* Nephew,
Sharku


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1999 08:39:42 -0500

Screwtape wrote:
} Actually, this matches up rather neatly with the "I'm not a student" thread, which *NOBODY ELSE IS CONTRIBUTING TO*! Slackers.

To my excitable Uncle Screwtape,

Did you miss my latest post two days ago in which I plead for help because my charges are being converted? Or did I miss a reply to it?

Your curious nephew,
Sharku


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

My dear nephew Sharku,

Your most recent letter has not gone unobserved. I have read and pondered it, but have not yet replied. So much red tape down here! That old fool^W^Wsplendid and fearless leader of mine, Grimshank, has pleasantly requested - good, he's walked off again - has forced me to write another seven reports on the status of our newest project. Naturally, he could of course just go and ask the project supervisor himself, but I think he's just trying to make life difficult.

I will, of course, help you with your problems as soon as I have a moment to spare - and, of course, I would dearly love to see the literary productions of this cult you have infiltrated. I'm not yet sure who is responsible for their particular belief system - it seems to show some of the workmanship of Hagraen, but could be something deeper than that - but I shall continue to hold an interest.

Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape.


From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>

To my devious Uncle Screwtape,

How well you must know that even observing such examples of faith causes our optic nerves to smoulder and char. Still, your request must be fulfilled, and to that end I have managed to insert one of the primary obscenities that I have managed to obtain. I was only able to achieve this goal beacuse I did not actually have to repeat the keystrokes necessary. Some of those human technologies such as pasting are actually quite handy. And so, my dear Uncle Screwtape, here is the passage I mentioned. Be careful not to take it in all in one reading, but disect the individual words and translate them one by one lest you wind up as a victim of the circumstances.

Our Leader who art in Finland,
Hallowed be thy gecos
Thy Penguin come, thy OS be done,
On PeeCee as it is in Midrange.
Give us this day our daily fortune;
And forgive us our permissions
As we prevent those who would trespass against us;
And lead us not towards HOT BABE GIFs
But deliver us from Windows.
For thine is the Penguin and the powerPC
And the Swedish Chef forever.
Bork, Bork, Bork.

Ohhh! My eyes! I accidentally opened them a slit whilst completing the paste operation. I only hope that I have managed to send this correctly after the temporary blinding that I have incurred performing this odious task.

Your obedient Nephew,
Sharku


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

My dear nephew Sharku,

It is not without effort that one achieves a post such as mine, and not without precautions either. For quite some time I have had the practice of allowing my incoming messages to be read to me by some lesser spirit, and I now see this tradition of the Mail Daemon was warranted. After hearing the first part, then watching my former underling squirming on the floor in terror, I guessed at what might lie within.

Your warning is accurate, but as always you do not perceive the whole picture. Our Father Below is not a fool, and will not be caught unawares. The forces of the Enemy are great (but not, of course, so great as ours!), and vehement, but their main weapon is not tactics, or strength in numbers, or even agility, but sheer hope. And by placing their trust and faith in such a nebulous concept, there enters our opportunity.

Tell me, is your charge still happily in our camp, or shows he inclinations to the enemy? For depending on the condition, so must the treatment be also. If he is still firmly in his grasp, show him the baselessness of the Enemy's convictions - let him think about the history of his nation, founded on work and toil, and each man lifting himself from the mire. Of course, you and I know this version of historical events is mere hogwash, but he believes it at least a little. Show him the loose-knit connections of the humans involved, stress the fineness of the filaments that bond them. Make him compare the very solid appearances of the institutions he is used to, with the vapour-like construction of the alternative. His own mind will do the rest. But above all, do *not* let him go anywhere near the haunts where these scheming folk make their plans. Their hope is infectious - even the most solidly blockheaded unimaginative logician can not help but be moved by their "heroic" cause. And their lies the danger. No matter how deeply we press their lives into the mud, there always remains a slight flicker of hope within them. We are working on this, we expect to bring forth a remedy soon, but it is as yet unsolved.

If your charge has already crossed over (you will, naturally, know all about it if he had), a different approach is called for. If he has joined them at this early stage (for we know what dreadful proportions they may grow to if we do not stop them), he is probably an idealist himself - curse his foolish soul. His knowledge is too deep to be swayed. This, too, we can turn to our advantage. Most likely, he has some ritual he must perform regularly - whether it is employment, or education, or something else - that will take up most of his waking hours. It is not necessarily what he would *like* to do, but it is what he *must* do. He probably knows broadly how many there are in the Enemy's camp, so let him imagine that number of people like himself, all busy, all rushed, all too hectic to make any real achievement for the cause. It would no doubt help matters if you were to arrange for a little more activity during this time.

Do not allow him to actually sit down and think about the figures, something he will probably be prone to do - then he is in danger of finding the truth, that even small contributions made by many people add up to a colossal velocity. And like the former case, try and keep him away from their meetings - not only will he cease to be refreshed by others, but it can be helpful in persuading him that others will suffer the same fate.

I hope you find this advice useful. I would write more, but I must go and have your earlier.. epistle.. taken care of.

Your affectionate Uncle,
Screwtape.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 09:25:28 -0500

Henriette Kress wrote:
> Al Sharka wrote
> > Our Leader who art in Finland,
> Atcherly, Linus lives in California, these days.

My dearest Henriette,

I must ask that you take your complaint to the source, rather than to express your corrections to me. Remember, it was not I who authored that particularly appalling piece of prose. I was merely reporting my findings to my superior. (How was I to know he had the use of a mail filter, Damn him!)

However, since you have expressed an interest in these proceedings, and you do not seem to be adversely affected after parsing this type of document, perhaps I can persuade you to become an underling in our little organization. If you do well, the opportunities are limitless. After a few hundred years, you may well ensconce yourself in a position of some authority among the Lowerarchy. Of course, you will have to do something about your name. Seriously, what sort of daemon has her name ending in "ette"?

Sincerely,
Sharku


From: hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress)

Dearest Sharku Daemon,

thank you for your very kind letter. Your tempting proposal might take some time to evaluate. While I am thinking it over, could you elaborate on the limitless opportunities?

Kindest regards,
Henriettu


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 10:44:54 +1100

Al Sharka schrieb:
>Seriously, what sort of daemon has her name ending in "ette"?

My dearest nephew,

It is useful for you to learn that I am not the doddering fool you seem to take me for. Merely because I am older and more experienced than you does not make me some kind of imbecile.

Regardless, about your proposal for the induction of a new member: how can you even consider inviting one of these peons to be privy to our plans? Unless she happens to be in the same situation as ourselves, and wishes to transfer from whatever her current posting is to our department. And obviously, "Henriette" is a pseudonym - who ever heard of a daemon called "Al"?

Your affectionate uncle,
Screwtape


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: verslag vergadering CD
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 28 Sep 1999 13:17:06 -0500

Donald Welsh wrote:
> (Screwtape) proclaimed to the milling throng:
> >and flooding the group with wit, humor, and one-liners utterly lacking in tired old in-jokes?
> Oh. I'll have to try harder. Here are ten:
> 1) I've never heard it called that before!
<snip>

To my dear Uncle Screwtape,

Where do you get them all from? First one follows your alter-ego around campus, and then another seems to have been watching the entire froup for some time now. Is this some new device to gain converts and you haven't kept me informed of your plans? Our Master shall be duly informed of this subversive activity post-haste.

Your respectful Nephew,
Sharku


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)

My Dear Sharku,

Impressive, is it not? But it is nothing like our goal. Remember, as important as each new soul is, it is but one of millions. I do not know the name of the tempter in charge of this new human, but he seems to have shown fine initiative in helping another succumb to the splendid vice called Usenet. Would that you had brought in converts, recently! Have you thought of the future of your career once word gets around that relative unknowns are effortlessly besting you? You may do well to consider it.

Your loving Uncle,

Screwtape.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Date: 22 Sep 1999 20:33:36 -0500

st.ferd2.thristian.org wrote:
> Oh, and by the way, I think Married With Children, and indeed any American Sitcom is much funnier and more full of artistic merit than any British production.

Screwtape, it's near the first midterm[1], and this is the best you can do? You really have to shape up, or Trolling 101 is the last course you'll take at Rhodent University. I have noticed how you flunked Grovelling 101, and you been caught cascading more than once. Things are *not* looking well for you, especially after the Woodchuck Incident.

Insincerely,
Lars "Headmaster" Clausen

[1] Are there any limits at all to how many midterms there can be in a course?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dev 2k newsgroups
From: yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman)
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 01:18:37 -0400

tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.oracle

Is there really an ABPE.oracle?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wanted
From: m.pack.NOSPAMPLEASEWEREBRITISHcableinet.co.uk (Lurker Praps)
Date: Thu, 23 Sep 1999 18:55:17 +0100

Also Sprach Jeffrey Kaplan:
> ; | "My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis."
> Your mug is empty?

No, someone's run it over.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1117-10
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 22:32:13 -0600

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> said:
> Orrie said:
> } But what could he do? Suddenly it came to him.
> } The Cruel Users who had sent the Fearsome Deadline! They were always looking for ways to make life difficult for Software Development. And he had just the thing...
> } Ooh, look - it's four O'Clock. Sod this for a lark, I'm off home.
> AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH! What happened next? I need to know! For hypothetical reasons only, of course.

I dunno, but that line's made my .sig collection. Kudos to whomever.

Kevin "yeah, my clients will appreciate the humor" Kelley

--
Ooh, look - it's four O'Clock. Sod this for a lark, I'm off home.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1117-9
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 99 05:39:59 GMT

twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com "Tim Chew" writes:
> No, but I wasn't expecting to be told how she got to go out drinking on her employer's dime either. Ah, for an expense account.

Me, I wouldn't go out with the man if that's all he's prepared to spend on his round.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----Barman, thimbles of water for everyone!--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1117-9
From: dmacks.mail2.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 24 Sep 1999 05:15:37 GMT

Matthew Thomas <mpt26.student.canterbury.ac.nz> said:
: Lurker Praps wrote:
: > Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
: > > --*----*---*---*-----*----Barman, thimbles of water for everyone!--
: > Mmmmmm....thimbles.
: Contraception for the longitudinally challenged.

I thought a thimble was to keep yourself from getting pricked in the first place.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies knew a woman in college nickednamed "Pincushion"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dev 2k newsgroups
From: "Mike Jewell" <mjewell.mojsoft.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999 18:07:23 +0100

Manohar Singh <manoharsingh.vsnl.com> wrote:
> Hello friends,
> i am learning dev 2k and would be greatful to you all if u could suggest any newsgroups for newbies like me

*** This is an automated e-mail from MicroCrunch US ***

Your ref: mc/lost
Our ref: mc/richbastards

Dear Sir,

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Please note: Parental supervision is recommended for this product, and a member of clergy should be readily available. MicroCrunch takes no responsibility for spinning heads or ectoplasmic expulsion.

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MC Devil 2K Student License
=======================

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Yours,
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[1]: Barmy(TM) and the slogan "Fun to play with, fun to kill with!" are trademarks of ActivelyCrunch Inc, as is the bloodied sword logo.
[2]: MC Dev 2K comes with Gregorian and Latin chanting plugins. To add more languages, an upgrade can be obtained for three (4) souls.
[3]: We take no responsibility for the temperatures of Nether Hell, the Styx, TransMeta Inc, or Satan's Dark Dominion.
[4]: If you do not love your product, you can return it as long as the package remains unopened and a small dagger is present inside.
[5]: MC SpinTheBottle(TM) is only compatible with opposite sex partners.
[6]: Happiness (TM) is a trademark of Linus Torvalds, 1999.
[7]: Refunds not accepted.
[8]: MC Dev 2K Pro is not certified Y3K compliant, and so 'time' currently extends to 1000 years.
[9]: Include 10 vouchers from SuperSatan for your free book.
[10]: Guaranteed.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dev 2k newsgroups
From: "Mike Jewell" <Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net>
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1999 22:01:40 +0100

> Unsurprisingly, www.hell.com uses Javascript.
> -Lars "Hell is bad programming languages" Clausen

IKWYM - I've been trying to make JavaScript work on IE and Netscape for ages... :-\

BFN,
/\/\ike


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dev 2k newsgroups
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1999 19:43:41 -0600

Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu> said:
> Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net wrote:
> > <<!*''#\n^"'$$-\n!*=.$_\n%*<<~#4\n&[]../\n|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
> Parse error at '*'. Compilation halted. signature.o removed. signature.c deleted. Editor corrupted. Screen damaged. Please get a job as a milkman in the Andes.

I've always had a thing for a cute llama. Ever since that compiler class.

Kevin "milk flows like a banana. Fruit flows like a narrow. Hmm, that doesn't parse. I shoulda took better notes" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Luc French spotted!
From: clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)
Date: 21 Sep 1999 08:21:50 GMT

Perhaps you can go to the doctor and he can give you some penicillin.

Cheers,

Ross-c


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Luc French spotted!
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Date: 21 Sep 1999 14:53:41 -0500

st.ferd2.thristian.org wrote:
> So, what do you get for the man who has everything?

1) A burglar alarm
2) Something to put it in
3) Nothing(TM)[1]
4) Everything else
5) A place to hide when the people who thought they had something hunt him down.
6) There is noooooo... point 6.
7) Extra batteries for the ZOT staff he obviously also has, and which will come in handy if he doesn't get #5.
7a) A handy way to remove black holes from the apartment.
9) Instructions on how to keep all the things away from all the anti-things.
10) A quick death when he notices the Elder Gods that got included.

-Lars "I could settle for less... but not less that $10 billion" Clausen

[1] There was a perfume series called that.


From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Well, I was just going to say "penicillin", but I s'pose yours is funnier.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: whichever thread had the barbie prostheses thing
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1999 20:19:12 -0600

"Daniel Glick" said:
> http://www.slate.com/Egghead/99-09-21/Egghead.asp
> Just in case anyone was still skeptical.

Hell, I'm still skeptical and I started it! I completely fail to understand why it took recognition that Barbie knees are flexible to come up with a proper finger prosthetic.

Maybe I'm just kinda partial to the way my fingers wiggle, but it seems to me that somebody would have come up with a solution to this before. What the fsck was the previous practice, anyhow? Graft on a chunk of oak wood? "I'm sorry, Pinnochio, you'll have to find another way to satisfy that Kampuchean finger-puppet you're in love with. Tell her you love her, something'll come up."

I mean, geez, it seems kinda important. You lose too many fingers and there goes your sex life. What, can _you_ keep up with your lover using only the equipment below your belt? I need all the help I can get. It bothers me that there's all these victims of industrial accidents, or errant chainsaws, floating around out there with sticks or stumps for fingers; I see a lot of unhappiness there. And all because, until somebody got frisky with a Barbie and had a newsflash, nobody realized "Hey! plastic bends!"

Sheesh. Yeah, this is still weirding me out.

> "Somebody ought to dissect a Barbie and tell us what the knee joints look like." - Kevin Kelley in rec.humor.oracle.d

I'm still hoping somebody'll answer that question. By now I'm almost expecting a real biologic system, nerves and muscles and real functionality. I've put all my Barbies behind lock and key until this mystery is cleared up, and I suggest you do the same.

And I'm wondering, do they make them, or do they breed them?


Kevin "somebody kill Ken" Kelley


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Searching For Screwtape Revisited
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 26 Sep 1999 20:23:31 -0400

Screwtape wrote:
> Jim Evans schrieb:
> > JIM, I'm *still* not wearing shower shoes
> And I'm not wearing a seven piece suit. What's your point?

The point is, seven-piece suits with shower suits are *strictly* out this fall. You'll be wanting rubber gloves and a banjo, instead.

JIM, or so says an article I read in "Milady's Boudoir"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IQ, was Ascii Wars..
From: Nol Smi <nolan_s.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 27 Sep 1999 17:32:51 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>hetta.saunalahti.fi (Henriette Kress) said:
>> >> It helps if you've got muscles to flex.
>> >I'm guessing that being able to take down a 400-pound calf for branding isn't the kind of muscles you're talking about here.
>> Can you really do that? Truly?
>> GIF! GIF! GIF!
>Sure... well, except when I can't, and I end up on the ground shaking dust (if I'm lucky) out of my face. The trick is to cradle the calf's head in your arms and twist until he's looking at the sky: clouds make 'em dizzy, they lose their balance and can be pushed over. If there aren't any clouds you have to hope they see a bird flying past and get dizzy from that. The other trick is convincing 'em to let you grab 'em by the head in the first place; usually they want to play Let's Kill Kevin.
>The real trick, of course, is doing this somewhere there's a corral with a squeeze chute, so that after the first one knocks you down a few times you can do the other 49 the easy way.

When I was 16, I worked on a farm during the summer in East Tennessee. My job, being the young gullible quick one, was run behind the calf and grab him by the base of the tail and twist. As soon as I would, the calf would flip over on its side and the others would tie its legs. Now this was all well and good, but more times than not, I got covered in calf crap holding the tail and waiting for the hands to catch up to us.

Nol "old gullible slow one" Smi


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Empty Nesters
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Sun, 26 Sep 99 08:17:27 GMT

Waaaaah!!! I'm a market segment!

Drove up to Leeds yesterday to drop our only daughter in her student accomodation, along with 16 tons of food and cooking utensils like spoon rests and toasted sandwich makers that her mother thought she would not survive without (beer and chocolate digestives: that's all a student lived on in my day).

Got a phone call in the evening asking for an explanation of the difference between her credit and her debit card. This bodes well. However, we did show her how you can alter the height of the stool in a supermarket photo booth. What more can any parent do to prepare their child for the great wide world out there?

Davis, this trauma awaits. You have been warned.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*--Next stage: grey panther. Well, grey ocelot, anyway--


From: abuse.londo.freeuk.com (Barry O'Neill)
m.pack.... says:
> > Waaaaah!!! I'm a market segment!
> AOL

You people have no idea. I've let mine convince me[1] that he should join the Army. At least they pay *him* from day one...

regards,

Barry
[1] That reverse psychology thing that we parents do so well.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Empty Nesters
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Wed, 29 Sep 99 16:25:56 GMT

m.pack.... "Lurker Praps" writes:
> > You people have no idea. I've let mine convince me[1] that he should join the Army. At least they pay *him* from day one...
> I think RHOD is starting to reveal a stratification between us olduns and them younguns, with perhaps only Paul as an Inbetweeny.

I think it was already revealing that during the early days of the fervid fantasising about Ms Chapman's bosom era, don't you?

Now me, I've been around long enough to have seen breasts before.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---Yeah, alright, so it was in a copy of The Sun - what of it?--


From: m.pack.... (Lurker Praps)
I hope to see those of my wife one day. Until then I shall just imagine them in braille.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I stumped Microsoft support!
From: abuse.londo.freeuk.com (Barry O'Neill)
Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 13:25:52 +0100

lee1089.kettering.edu says...
> Barry O'Neill wrote:
> > gordol.gordol.org says...
> > <snippage>
> > > So now I'm waiting on a call back from MS Research, to try and solve this problem. I stumped Microsoft tech support!
> > I could do that with the simple question "Why does your software suck?".
> No, you don't even need one that's that complex. "What's 2+2?" works wonders.

Not true. Their answer to that is "more". Come to mention it, the M$ answer for everything is "more". It's their mission statement.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: coke and sprite
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 10:57:08 -0400

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> qwerty6666.my-deja.com wrote:
> >>> What are those triangles near the UPC code on bottles of Coca-Cola?
> >Actually, the left most one is not a triangle but a pentagon. Rumor has it that that one is for the Devil (like an upside-down 5-cornered star, but they wouldn't be so blatent.) And the three triangles near it each has 3 sides and 3 corners for a total of six. So that makes 6, 6, 6, the number of The Beast.
> And since 6*6^6 = 2176782336,
> and 2+1+7+6+7+8+2+3+3+6 = 45,
> and 4^5 = 1024,
> and 24-10 = 5,
> well, there you go.

And of course, 6*6+6 = 42. I don't make'em up, kids, I just report'em.

> >That's the rumor, but I don't know whether it's true.
> Of course it's true, otherwise there wouldn't be any rumors about it.
> Ed "You really think it's a coincidence we have 5 fingers on each hand?" Chauvin IV

Five fingers on each hand I can handle. But five toes on each foot.. that's gettin' spooky.

JIM, it's the Devil's work!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: "Nobody Knows" <nobloodynose.aol.com>
Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 09:27:07 -0700

Matt Kerbel <bj435.FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
> Underpaid Artiscyn (cyn.in.erraticzone.sympatico.ca) writes:
> > Matt Kerbel wrote:
> >> Tigress of Tigris (cyn.in.erraticzone.sympatico.ca) writes:
> >> >> Your Temperament is Guardian : SJ
> >> >> Your variant temperament is Inspector : ISTJ
> >> >> Inspectors have a distaste for and distrust of fanciness in speech, dress, or place. . . . their clothes are often practical and conservative rather than of the latest style or extravagant; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and functional, rather than up-to-date or luxurious. In their choice of personal property (cars, furnishings, jewelry, and so on) price and durability are of primary concern, comfort or appearance given small consideration.
> >> > Know this: Someone like me would break you, man!
> >> Hey, I'm an ISTJ too... verrrry iiiiinteresting...
> > It appears as if the majority of Rhodites are rated as being an ISTJ. That's a lotta breakin'. I want time and a half then. :)
> No no, there are way more INTPs and INTJs. Very few ISTJs. Very few. Yeah.

I tried taking this test but figured out rather rapidly that it would only point out that I was schizophrenic, so I stopped.

But later I sneaked back and took it when I wasn't watching.



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