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2000 04

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Can I Play Too?
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2000 22:52:27 +0100

usenet.culmer.org.uk (Noam Chomsky) wrote:
> efrom.webtv.net (Some Body) wrote:
>>I keep looking for an FAQ for this group, but I can't find one, I have read most of the messages here, and even understand a lot of what is going on (seems like somethings happened before I got here...)
>You'll find the location of the FAQ, and lot's of other useful information, in the FAQ.

Awright, that's it. I'm going to make a FAQ for rec.humor.oracle.d. A bad FAQ. A nasty FAQ. A - dare I say it - uncomplimentary FAQ. And I'm going to autobot it to the author of every post containing the word FAQ, or words that sound a bit like FAQ if you mumble them quickly.

It's going to have frequently asked questions like, "You call that a penis? _This_ is a penis. <CLUNK>." Okay, that's not a question, but it's going to be bad, nasty and uncomplimentary. You betcha. Oh yes. With pictures.

Or, "Whose posts shouldn't I read if I want to retain the few scraps of sanity I have left?" That'd be a good one. Obviously it's not frequently asked, but only because the absence of a FAQ is causing people to read those posts that remove the requisite level of sanity to ask it. As an example, if you understood that last sentence, you've been reading this group too long. Or at all, for that matter. But I digress.

Why would I do something like this? Some might say I lack the requisite social skills to play well with others. And they'd be bang on the money. But I was kind of hoping that by the time I'd typed this much stuff, I'd have come up with some kind of feeble justification that made me sound like a Crusader For The Good Old Days. Sadly, that kind of Machiavellian wordplay is beyond me since they started me on this new medication.

Where was I? Oh yes, a FAQ. Nurse? Does my bag need changing? Now there's a frequently asked question if ever I heard one. Round here, anyway. Hello? Is anyone still listening? If so, please tell me what I was talking about. I hope there's cake for tea.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Book Recommendations
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2000 20:47:54 -0700

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>Paul wrote:
>} I think a more accurate representation of what he was saying would be that ideas are analogous to viruses. They spread from person to person in much the same way that biological viruses spread, and they can be just as dangerous.
>Memes. They're called memes.

Oh, so it's all about Youyou now?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Book Recommendations
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2000 20:49:23 -0700

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>From the deck of the Royal Nonesuch, Viki proclaimed:
>> Kevin Kelley wrote...
>> > Viki proclaimed:
>> > > Should I ask how it's hanging, Kevin?
>> > Yes. Everybody should ask me that.
>[bobbit]
>> All this stuff here and he didn't answer the question! What's up with that! Ohhhhh. maybe that was the problem, huh. What's up with that. Causes things said to not necessarily make much sense?
>No, it's okay, I can think with either head. And now I think I'll go find something nice and warm to burrow into.
>Kevin, troglodyte

Hey, what are these feet doing sticking out of my compost heap?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Book Recommendations
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 08:29:40 -0700

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> Nobody Knows wrote:
>>"Ed Chauvin IV" wrote:
>>> Freyja wrote:
>>> >Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>>> >| Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>>> >| > Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>>> >| >> Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>>> >| >>> Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>>> >| >>>> Jim Evans wrote:
>>> >| >>>>>Who watches the watchers?
>>> >| >>>> The watcher watchers, I would imagine.
>>> >| >>>Who watches the watcher watchers?
>>> >| >> I'm almost certain the watcher watcher watchers would be firmly in command of that situation.
>>> >| >Who watches the watcher watcher watchers?
>>> >| Well, it's like this. There's this guy. His name isn't important, but it's Ted. He's the guy who watches the watcher watcher watchers, but he does a poor job of it because there's so damn many of them. So, in effect, they don't get watched much after all. And besides, what's to see? All the do is sit around all day watching watcher watchers.
>>> >Who watches Ted?
>>> Nobody knows.
>>I do?
>You don't?

Well it was on his watch.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is *not* gone!
From: "Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com>
Date: Tue, 04 Apr 2000 06:02:52 GMT

Naked White Guy <steveo.moonman.com> wrote:
| Ok, just checked the latest ratings... ahem.
| The king is back on the throne.

Yes, and you didn't replace the toilet paper.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Pics of Bald Chicks
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2000 15:51:48 -0400

On Tue, 4 Apr 2000, Comrade Naked White Guy declared:
} Anal Introversion is the irrational fear of having objects inserted in the anus. Now really, how often does this one come up?

[Int. Shot: An office. The Interviewer is sitting behind a desk with a chair in front of it. There is a knock on the door, and Mr. Goats enters]

Interviewer: Ah, Mr. Goats. Please, come in. Have a seat.
Goats eyes the chair suspiciously.
Goats: Er.. I'd rather stand, thank you.
Interviewer: Ah.. all right. Now, Mr. Goats, I've been looking over you application and you have some excellent qualifications.. I'm sorry, could you step a little closer to my desk, please?
Goats: I'd rather stay with my back to the wall, sir, if it's all the same to you.
Interviewer: Come now, Goats, I don't bite.
Goats: I'm sorry, sir, it's just I don't like the looks of that pen set.
Interviewer: Pen set?
Goats: On your desk. It's rather pointy and sharp, if you get my meaning...
Interviewer: Ah.. Well would you feel better if I put the pen set in my desk?
Goats: Much, thank you sir.
Interviewer: There it's gone. Now -
Goats: ... and the stapler, please, sir.
Interviewer: The stapler.
Goats: It's got this hungry look to it, I don't quite trust it.
Interviewer: Fine. The stapler is in the drawer. Anything else on my desk strike you as dangerous?
Goats: Your pad of Post-its has a shifty look to it but I fancy I can fend it off if necessary.
Interviewer: Now will you *please* sit down?
Goats: Oh, I never sit down, sir. I can't tell you how dangerous it is to allow any strange objects near my bottom. I'll step up to the desk now.
Interviewer: Fine. As I was saying, Mr. Goats, your qualifications are excellent and your fomer employer Mr. Urley gives you a very strong recommendation despite your condition. I just have a - Mr. Goats, are you listening to me?
Goats: Yes, of course, sir!
Interviewer: You're not looking at me.
Goats: I am with one eye, sir, I have to keep the other on that cactus over there.
Interviewer: For pity's sake, Goats! My barrel cactus has NO designs on your butt!
Goats: That's all very well to say, sir, but how am I to know that the moment my back is turned, that cactus won't jump me from behind, tear through my graphite reinforced jockey shorts and insert itself in my anus?
Interviewer: Mr. Goats, I think I've heard enough. The interview is over.
Goats: Sir?
Interviewer: I'm sorry, but I do not think that with your neuroses it would be appropriate to hire you as nightwatchman in a proctology clinic. Good day.

JIM, that's what *she* said!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is *gone*.
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Wed, 05 Apr 2000 09:00:24 -0400

Sara M wrote:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Sara M schrieb:
>> >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> Nathan Sullivan schrieb:
>> >> >--Nathan "Cascade Deity, pity about the alliteration, though" Sullivan
>> >> So the unworthy mortals who abase themselves in front of you will try to win your favour by erecting large and mighty cascades?
>> >And altars!
>> Hey! Last I saw of *you*, I'd just strapped you to the aged marble altar on the brink of an ancient volcano deep in the heart of the jungle, in a vain attempt to appease the Multitude Gods of Nested Conjunctions. How on earth did you get free?
>Oooh - this - this *man* came swinging down from the trees...<dazzle>
>He stabbed all your evil dwarves, set me free, razed your temple, crops and village, gave me this special magic whistle - and promised to avenge himself on WHOEVER it was that wickedly captured me and left me tied up there at the volcano should they give me *any* more trouble WHATSOEVER.

I see you've met my manservant, Artie. He's a bit of a lush and tends to dress up and swing from vines whenever he's on the sauce. If you look closely, the "special magic whistle" is just a bamboo shoot. As for the stabbing and freeing and burning of stuff and all, I'm told it's just a phase he's going through.


From: Viki (thevidts.stargate.net)
Subject: new thread
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/04/05

Is there a RHOD drinking game? There should be. You know, for instance, if ~Steve-o says something paranoid about some other poster picking on him we each can take 2 shots. If there's a mention of DMP's pierced penis, we get 2 shots. If RST says something in stupid geek code, we get one shot [that happens too often and I'd be really plastered if it were two].

Hmmmmm?

From: Nathan Sullivan (alfonso.pants.nu)
Naturally. The rules are really simple, too. Everytime you read a RHOD post, take a shot.

For the advanced alcoholic, you can assign a type of liquor to each rhodent, e.g. coconut rum for JIM, Rumpleminz for DMP, Irish cream for TA, or scotch for me. The choice is up to you, of course. Then, in case you couldn't guess, for each post you read by a specific rhodent, you drink the corresponding liquor.

--Nathan "Totally blotto" Sullivan

From: Naked White Guy (steveo.moonman.com)
"Viki" wrote:
>for instance, if ~Steve-o says something paranoid about some other poster picking on him we each can take 2 shots.

I haven't said anything of the sort for a long time. Why are you always belittling me?!?!?

From: Nathan Sullivan (alfonso.pants.nu)
*gulp* *gulp*
--Nathan "Mmmm, butterscotch schnapps" Sullivan

From: Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
Heh, I like it! Hm.. 1 shot whenever Screwtape or Sara respond to one another's post. 2 shots if they're currently the only ones posting to a thread. 2 shots whenever DMP or Malc change their nick. 1 shot whenever someone makes an afda in-joke and it's not RST. 1 shot whenever a rhoddite reappears after a long abscence. 1 shot when Nathan tries to stop a cascade. 2 shots if he actually succeeds. 1 shot if Jeffery Kaplan's B5 sig is eerily appropriate to what he's posting about. 1 shot if dan uses some variant of the "milligram for milligram" line in his tag. 3 shots whenever Paul Kelly gets a new pet. 1 shot whenever Ian Davis or Richard Wilson post. 2 shots if Ian's post is more than one screen in length. 1 shot whenever Dave Hemming or Otis Viles post "complaining priest" noises. 2 shots if Otis posts something off-topic. 2 shots if Hook posts. 3 shots if Hook posts something civil (it has happened once to my memory).

JIM, anyone?

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net)
One shot anytime someone posts a bizarre URL.
Two shots if the nature of the URL causes you to spit out the first one.
There ought to be a shot for Billy Phred! posts, but I'm not sure for what.
One shot whenever Uncle Jesse gets defensive about his fraternity.
One shot for any on-topic posts.
One shot any time someone refers someone to the FAQ, and indicates that the location of the FAQ is documented in the FAQ.
One shot for Monty Python references.
One shot for "I'm sorry, there isn't time", and variations thereof.

From: "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
sheesh...i'm drunk on jus tt his posst.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Nobody Loves Me
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2000 12:55:37 GMT

I will not buy this Sid, it is scratched.
>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> Sid wrote:
>> > pphhh
>> No - I'm *not* ungagging you.
>> You can't say "drink" now.
>> I think *I* deserve one for that.
>mppphhhiigggg!

What's that? You're bound and gagged in an abandoned warehouse off the pier and you've just managed to call me on a cell phone your captures accidentally dropped and they're going to drop you into a meat grinder in sixteen minutes if I don't come and save you but if I do could I please bring a pepperoni pizza, no olives, because you haven't eaten anything other than fish sticks in Teh last two weeks?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Kicking Our Asses
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Wed, 05 Apr 2000 22:48:19 -0600

Nathan Sullivan proclaimed:
> "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> writes:
> > What? RHOD has a candidate? Who is it? I'm voting for who ever it is...
> Naturally.
> Nathan Sullivan for President!
> He wants to make this country great again. Not only that, but unlike certain other candidates, he has a bulletproof plan to accomplish this. There are a few simple steps to this plan.
> Step 1) All idiots will be taken out and summarily shot.
> People with SUVs? Bang.
> People who sue randomly? Bang.
> People who shoot people? Bang.
> Step 2) Nathan will be declared supreme dictator for life.

Kinda too late for that now, after Step 1!

Kevin, taking the easy one


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help me out here. Nancy Sinatra and ? {was Re: Curious {was Re:Help please...}}
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 07 Apr 2000 13:14:52 +1000

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
> > Sara M wrote:
> >> Nobody Knows wrote:
> >>> "Naked White Guy" <steveo.moonman.com> wrote:
> >>> > dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
> >>> > >dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishiess are ribbed for Steve-o's pleasure
> >>> > Ew.
> >>> I'm with you on the ew factor there.
> >> Another "e" on that "ew" and you'd be a national hero in New Zealand...
> >Eew!
> >Am I a hero yet?
> Wrong end.

It's hard to tell with sheep.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Noam Chomsky: Please Read
From: "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2000 11:06:48 -0500

Today, due to circumstances beyond my control I was forced to take public transportation home, a mode of transportation that I am highly suspicious and fearful of--the seats and walls of any such vehicle are polluted by billions of micro-organisms that are invisible to the normal human eye, but which stand out to me like flagellate covered neon signs--flagellate covered neon signs being one of my favorite Nuevo-punk bands, but certainly not something I want against my skin--so here I am trapped on a filthy bus, with filthy people and no filthy music to listen to when suddenly two young toughs get on to the bus--in the style of the '70's these hoodlums wore their combs tucked into their natty hair, but taking it to the next level of the year 2000 these hooligans wore all of their grooming accessories hanging off--combs in their hair, toothbrushes in their mouths, q-tips in their ears, kleenex in their noses, toilet paper in their...you get the picture, they were *tough*--so these three toughs climb on board, and they are clearly looking for trouble, first they started harassing this little old lady who reminded me very much of my dear departed grandmother--except for the fact that my grandmother is still alive, an alcoholic and a frequent guest on Jerry Springer--and began to deburden her of all her possessions--next they moved to the business man in the seat next to me, taking as their tariff his slick Jean-Paul Gauthier necktie--next they moved to me, but I vowed to myself and my god I don't believe in, that I would not be as easy a target as their first two victims--I stood up and challenged these four gangsta's, in their own language that I was not to be trifled with--I believe the exact words I used were "listen you Nancy-boys, I will not be threatened by five pansies like you. If you go talkin' that shit I'll pull your card and pop a cap in your punk ass, now be off you plebeians"--this only served to infuriate the ruffians,and soon I feared for my cash and credit cards, six against one was certainly greater odds than even a superman like myself could handle--as the seven of them gathered around me, my life began to pass before my eyes, but mostly my friends from RHOD stood out, Paul Kelley with his fish, Ms. Viki with her bonfires, MOTAR with his corn, Luc with his French, Kevin with his sheep, ~Steveo with his paranoia, and Noam Chomsky with his...

Wait a minute...THE Noam Chomsky? The famous linguist who proposed the notion that without language humans are incapable of thought? Is this the person who has been hanging out in our midst all this time and I foolishly didn't see it? (I blame it on large amounts of liquor and Viki's propensity for sexual fantasy)--my gosh, I feel amiss if this is true--here is one of the greatest thinkers of our time, hanging out in RHOD, no doubt with the goal to study ME, because I am after all illiterate, and yet highly intelligent, at least that's what I told my assistant Nell to type about me.

So more to the point homeboy, I may have misrepresented your advanced theories of language and thought, if you are the real Noam Chomsky I apologize, if you're just a cheap alien imposter, I'm not sorry--but really what's up?

Most importantly of all can I start to brag to my friend(s) that I have been telling THE Noam Chomsky about my huge pierced penis? (everyone take a drink)

What a coup de etat! Even if my friend(s) are too freakin' stupid to know who Noam Chomsky is or what coup de etat means.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Noam Chomsky: Please Read
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 14:13:39 -0400

On Mon, 10 Apr 2000, Comrade Nobody Knows declared:
[snippage]
} I assume that you are saying that you are the *real* Noam Chomsky, an assertation that leaves me in somewhat of a quandry. First off I can't believe my behavior in front of one of the greatest thinkers of our time, I mean...geez!

Don't worry about it, I'm used to you.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Homophobic Closeted Homosexuals?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 Apr 2000 05:01:05 GMT

Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> said:
>~steve-o wrote:
>>Reminds me of a strip club in Philly that tried to ban lesbians from coming in the club and watching shows that featured two girls making out. They said it was for male entertainment only and nothing "lesbian" is implied.
>I believe in PA it is against the law for a strip club to admit unescorted ladies.

So I could start a business hiring myself out as an escort? Lemme make sure I've got this right...I
1. get paid
2. to date a woman
3. who's into lesbian action
4. and go with her to go to a strip club
5. featuring #3?

The hell with grad school!

>Of course, I don't know if the law specifies the sex of the escort.

Well, as long as we have *some* sex, I don't think it matters which one.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies may have to leave the SETIAHGGA monitoring station unattended for a while


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Really badly wildly off topic.
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 16:35:28 GMT

Also Sprach Chris Wesling:
> > > the HK "hand massager"?
> > I now own one. :-)
> And you *admit* this in public?

"Public"? This is a closed mailing list, isn't it?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This one is FUNNY
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 11:23:36 +1000

Nobody Knows wrote:
> "Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > Nobody Knows wrote:
> > > "Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > > > Nobody Knows wrote:
> > > > > "Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > > > > > Nobody Knows wrote:
> > > > > > > "Jim Evans" <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > > > > > > > Comrade Pieceoftheuniverse declared:
> > > > > > > > [snip]
> > > > > > > > } day, but for the most part they just came back with a daemon on top, hopping up and down, laughing at me and attempting to poke me with his pitchfork.
> > > > > > > > <DMP> I find that image.. erotic. </DMP>
> > > > > > > Ah sir, you know me too well, why is it none of the women in the group do? EGK, do you want to poke me with a pitch fork?
> > > > > > Well sure, if you think more holes will help. Hold still.
> > > > > I never hold still, squirming and screaming make the torture thing so much more realistic...
> > > > Are you sure? I *was* planning on using my giant cheese-grater altar this evening...
> > > Well, that does sound fun, but I promise I will squirm and scream...
> > Hmmmm - maybe I *won't* kill you straight away...
> Oh, I assure you, its best if you don't, you can torture me for weeks before killing me...

Aah - so if I tortured you slowly -
Teased you all night -
That would be how
To increase your delight?

If I bound you down tightly,
Bound you down firm -
Is this the thing
For which your heart yearns?

Long boots, leather whip
Coiled in her hand.
And orders to do
All that she commands?

Is this what you crave?
Is this how it should be?

Excuse me one moment -
I'll just get Viki...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: This one is FUNNY
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 11:23:58 +1000

Freyja wrote:
> Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote in message
> | Oh, I assure you, its best if you don't, you can torture me for weeks before killing me...
> That sounds fun! Shall we assemble our goodies from the "toy" box?

Cool - I didn't know Ikea made racks.
Okay - you throw away the instructions - I'll get more wine, the dice and the allan keys.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I hereby declare myself *KING*
From: "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 09:33:47 -0500

"Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> Aww sure - you're just trying to get Viki jealous.

How could I possibly get Viki jealous? She has already stated her deep unabiding hatred of me, and all things DMP, not to mention her disgust and repulsion at any suggestion of any thing physical about me. IIRC, she went on to lambaste my technical skills, my heritage, and my choice of family pet. I believe that later in the post she pointed to my thinning hair, and poor fashion choice. At some point she began to detail what animals rotting in the sun my body odor most reminded her of (and it went something along the lines of (and forgive me quoting loosely, I only vaguely recall the blistering commentary, I was so busy weeping with despair): "You smell similar, but not quite like a four day old dead alligator that has become infested with blow-flys, no wait, its more like a kangaroo that has died on the grasslands and been plucked at by vultures, no wait, its more like a duck-billed platypus that died underwater and then after several days floated back to the surface") I'm sure you all recall this diatribe the evil Viki launched against me, as it took place in front of all you, and as I recall, you all laughed and pointed fingers at me as my self-esteem slipped into a negative state...

Or something.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: me me me
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2000 14:57:29 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Aquarion schrieb:
> > Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >>Yes - you catch on fast. I think I'll keep you.
> >><ZAP!>
> >Oooh, what for?
> Shush you - you're supposed to be embedded in carbonite.

To make dating him easier?

Gee - ta ST <g> - helpful as always.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: me me me
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 08:22:01 -0700

Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
> Jason wrote:
>>Incorrect logic. In a probability axis stretching to infinity, all things exist. However, there are two types of infinity, bounded and unbounded. Take, for example, a time period of 10 minutes. In that timespan are an infinite number of moments, yet the timespan itself is bounded. This, then, is how infinite eigenstates can have no Mars, while infinite eigenstates can have Mars.
>I know, I know. But it's so much more fun to imagine that we don't exist.

I know for a fact that I don't exist. I am the creation of the fevered mind of a caffeine addled, thirty six year old computer programmer. I was summoned into existence a scant fifteen minutes ago. The "previous postings" that you imagined I created were merely the projections of that delirium. Sadly, your mind will not be able to cope with the concept that I am a hallucination and will fool your senses into believing those prior postings exist.

You might think I would be upset about the fact that I could wink out of existence at any time, but I plan on enjoying my temporality to the utmost.

In that respect I plan to recklessly drive into "work" naked, screaming at the top of my lungs.

Of course I could be wrong...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've said it before
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 13:11:26 -0400

Comrade Nobody Knows declared:
} "Robot Karate Man 2030" <steveo.moonman.com> wrote in message
} > I'll say it again... if an American kid was being held against his father's wishes in Cuba, we'd be going to war.
} I doubt seriously that this topic is going to stay civil for long, but screw it, I'll jump in anyway.
} And my opinion is FUCK 'EM. We got the kid, we got the father, let's keep them here, NOBODY in their right mind wants to go back to Cuba! Get real, its a bleedin' dictatorship. And who gives a rat's ass if Fidel don't like it, what's he going to do? Shoot us with BB-Guns?
} Fuck 'em all, communism is dying the world over because its a crappy plan in the face of Free Enterprise. Let's let 'em starve to death and then revolt and replace it with a plan that allows Americans their god-given rights to go and exploit the people and natural resources of Cuba!

These rants of DMP's always make me feel so much better about American imperialism.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've said it before
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2000 05:23:23 GMT

"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>BTW, Canada, we haven't received our "insurance" money this month? Ever seen a whole nation fall down a flight of stairs, its not pretty...

And besides, d'ere's other nations around this neighborhood that ain't as friendly as we is, and we can't be responsible of some of you K'nooks gets hoit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The IRS wants YOU!Don't be next!
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 11:58:30 GMT

"The IRS wants YOU!" <top50keywords.popstar.comYEAH!!> wrote:
>The IRS wants YOU!

For hot sex orgies! That's right, America's most hated governmental department is also it's steamiest. Come join us as we file, File, FILE, Until we can't file no more.

Mistress Stocks'n'bonds wants you! Have you filed on time? Naughty! You must be punished! The Mistress doesn't like people who miss the deadline. Prepare to be audited!

And for those of you with special fetishes, meet some women who claim their pets as dependents, kinky sex dependents that is!

Ooh! And our hot nympho accountant, Bambi, is ready to get you prepared. She's hot to go and all she needs is for you to fill out Worksheet 69! Ooh, yeah! Has Bambi got a form for you! Do you want to put a check in her box?

Here come the women of lines 17 to 23 with Subtotal B! Are you man enough for them? Is your gross large enough to satisfy? Or is it so small it's exempt? Oh baby, did you claim that thing? It's large enough to be a dependent! Slide it on into our folder of lust! Yeah baby!

Oh, come on sugar! I know you have a stamp, but are you into self-addressing that envelope? If you are, you may want to try out our new hot and crazy website, www.IRS.gov, where you can download all you need right in the privacy of your own living room and Efile to your heart's content!

So come with us! What are you waiting for? *


* Local toll charges may apply when accessing web site. The IRS makes no guarantees of sexual favors of any kind. Base rates of up to 40% gross annual income may apply. Available in all 50 states. Open to US residents only, sorry Canada.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No Drums, No Trumpets
From: "Julianna Avedon" <avedon.usa.net>
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 23:28:38 -0700

>Jeffrey Kaplan wrote ...
>>While idling wondering if the Pakmara can really do that, Wikkit said:
>> So, what now? You got the funky, most-dangerous-you-can-find, extremely painfull sounding piercing, so what's next?
>Oh, that one's simple... He goes for a brain piercing next. Straight through from one ear to the other.

Oooo lookie! You've buried the needle on the redundancy meter.

But hey, congratulations Dumpie...erm...I guess...whatever.

Julsy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No Drums, No Trumpets
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 20:06:44 +1000

Sid wrote:
> > > > > I'm hungry...
> > > > You're in the right queue...
> > > Don't push lady. I was here first.
> > Wow - with competition like you for the role of RST in the upcoming movie version of rhod I can see I'm wasting my time... I might just go and try my luck in the Ms Viki queue...
> Me? RST?! I thot I was the Doc from Star Trek?

Well - I must say this makes a nice refreshing change from the usual Jesus or Napoleon Bonaparte delusions...

Nurse! - Whatever this patient's on - give it to the rest of them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Another URL with no explanation
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 17 Apr 2000 17:19:37 GMT

Nobody Knows said:
>http://www.twistedhumor.com/pi/2000/apr/11.shtml

I've been trying to figure out what kind of tree that was. At first I thought dogwood or beechwood, but now I think it's the well-known species _Ante-meridiem_viagris_, commonly called "morningwood".

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will be leaving now


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Guess who is back?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 00:13:23 -0400

On Mon, 17 Apr 2000, Comrade Paul declared:
} Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
} >On Tue, 18 Apr 2000, Comrade Sid declared:
} >} Does anyone remember me?
} >No, but my kill-file does.
} Now that's a feature I'd like to have: a killfile that lets you see the messages of the person you plonked, so you can make smartalecky comments about what they said. Cool.

It's the special predator-raptor model. The message goes to the kill-file, but flags it if there's smart-aleck-remark potential.

JIM, that's why I can respond to Paul's posts : )


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: WOW! Unbe-fragging-lieveable!
From: Pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 15:42:55 -0700

An attempted flatterer named Nobody Knows wrote:
> "Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
> > Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote in message
> > | "Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
> > | > I am a Goddess!
> > | Indeed, you are!
> > Flattery will get you everywhere.
> Did I mention how beautiful and sexual you are? And how big a gorgeous your brain is?

No, no, no! That's simply not enough! Allow me to demonstrate:

**ahem**

Oh glorious Freyja, I am your humble servant. I would feel honored if your delectable foot would deign to step upon me as you walk along the ground. The ground! Ah, it is blessed with thy very footsteps, and I would kiss it if I dared, if I thought that it would please you, for your smile is as bright and friendly as a mid-summer's morning, and I have made it my life's very purpose to bring at least a smirk to your face every time that I am graced with your presence. Would I be so bold to conjure laughter from those beautifully full red lips of yours, I would try my hardest to do so, for the sound of your joy is akin to a majestic waterfall, both awe-inspiring and internally fulfilling to behold...

Well, you get the idea. One compliment leads to the next, to the next, etc, etc. You've got to tap into the inner Zadoc, and basically grovel and proclaim undying devotion, love, honor, and obedience to this goddess that demands your complete and total attention. And you've got to do it _right_, or it doesn't count. Now, try again.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: [secret girl stuff]
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2000 22:41:40 +1000

Pssst - hey Viki - Freyja - we're the three top posters...

I say we redecorate.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Elian the movie
From: Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com>
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2000 22:11:32 GMT

I heard on the radio today that two of the networks are making Elian Gonzalez movies. And I was thinking about th ecast of those movies, here are my picks:

Elian: Haley Joel Osment
Juan: Antonio Bandares
The Evil Uncle: Jeffrey Tambor
Janet Reno: John Goodman

My version would be a musical Disney style story with dancing animals and magic spells. It makes sense, his mother's dead.

In the end, after defeating the Evil Uncle, Juan would go toe to toe with Castro, with each fatally wounding the other. Then, just as Juan is about to die, Elian admits that he was coaxed into saying he didn't love him and gives his father a big hug, which revives him, and together they leave the collapsing Cuban empire to the sounds of Celine Dion singing "You're the Dictator of My Heart" with the closing credits scrolling upwards.

What do you think, sirs?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Giant Pussy
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 17:49:57 +1000

Sara M schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Sara M schrieb:
>> >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> Sara M schrieb:
>> >> >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> >> Freyja schrieb:
>> >> >> >Robot Karate Man 2030 <steveo.moonman.com> wrote:
>> >> >> >| I know you guys don't like unexplained URLs, but trust me, this one really isn't as sick as it sounds and you *really* have to see it. http://www.metro.net/katsteve/giant_pussy.jpg
>> >> >> >I think I need a bigger cat box...
>> >> >> I was expecting something gross, but the public reaction so far hasn't been so bad (mind you, you're all working in concert to convince me to go and see), so I'll have a look.
>> >> >> I assume it's some kind of portrait of EGK?
>> >> >How current is your "Will"?
>> >> Screwtape narrowed his eyes. "That's one of those 'threat' thingies, isn't it?"
>> >"Ah-ha - so you're *not* just a pretty face..."
>> "Not even that." He swirled his martini with a forefinger and walked across the room. White walls, large garish Pop Art posters and paintings, white leather furniture, it was all as he'd imagined. He stopped, apparently looking at the edge of an abstract piece entitled "On The Antiquity Of Microbes", and suddenly turned back to face her.
"You're *sure* none of these is a portrait of any kind at all? I mean, even Picasso drew some pretty wierd stuff, and that frilly bit there," he gestured at a particularly large wall hanging, "reminds me of the perkiness of your ears." He raised his eyebrow a sixteenth of an inch and watched her carefully, waiting for her reply.
>She said nothing - just took the forefinger from him and tossed it nonchalantly on the bed. Then, leading him by the hand she tugged him towards the french doors and out onto the balcony. She pointed at the huge corner building. "There - *that* is a portrait".
He looked to where she was pointing - at the implaccable face of Macey Grey staring back at him from the front of Tower records. A sudden chill ran up his spine. He *swore* it winked.

"I assume you rented this apartment with the express purpose of freaking out visitors on the balcony," was all he could say as he tore himself from the mesmerising horror displayed opposite, fifty feet high. Steadying himself by grasping her forearm, she helped him inside once more, and sat him down on one of the spotless leather sofas.

The strange feline woman vanished through a doorway once more, but Screwtape didn't notice - he was busy trying to erase the sight of.. the Portrait from his memory. Staring at the strange geometric forms and swirls and patterns on the walls helped a little, and he began to understand why she had such a large collection - a sort of visual quinine. He was subjecting an innocent amorphous yet gaily coloured blob to intense scrutiny when she re-entered the room, carrying a fresh martini (he'd dropped his previous one off the balcony), and a fresh forefinger to stir with. He decided on a more direct approach.

"Thankyou for the drink - but you could have prepared me a little for the, er, shock.." - his mind began to wander, but he pulled it back to the subject at hand - "Why did you bring me here? Or, for that matter, how? Driving through rush-hour traffic one minute, in a neo-modernist art gallery with a hideous monstrosity outside the next. One can't help but be slightly confuzzled."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Giant Pussy
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 17:38:09 -0400

Comrade Screwtape declared:
} One can't help but be slightly confuzzled."

"Confuzzled. What a charming word," she said as she oozed closer. "Such delightful connotations. I collect such words. Care for a spot of houghmagandy?"

"Er, the martini is enough for me, thanks," he said. He finished stirring and looked around for someplace to dispose of the finger. Finding no way to do so elegantly, he shook it off and slid it
in his jacket pocket. "Now, back to the issue of why I'm here..."

"Yes, why are you here?"

"I haven't the foggiest. As I said, I was driving along - or not driving along, as rush hour tends to go - when..."

"Screwy..." She placed a slender finger, her own this time, to his lips to keep him from speaking. Inch by inch she drew ever closer. "There's no need to pretend. This is where we throw off our pretensions. Strip bare to our inner natures. Let the gentle light of truth caress our exposed souls... careful, you spill that drink on this dress and you pay for the cleaners."

She slid past him. Her peculiar perfume still made his head spin...

"I don't mind your coming here, it's just that in his letter, your nephew said you wouldn't come up for several days."

"My nephew? Which nephew would that be."

"Sharku, of course."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Giant Pussy
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 2000 17:13:26 +1000

Jim Evans schrieb:
>"Sharku, of course."

Screwtape blinked twice, hard. Of all the names he might have imagined, he wasn't expecting to hear that one again. A hundred questions and ideas flitted through his mind until, a half-second later, he realised he was staring a grubby spot on the carpet and probably making his hostess feel quite embarrassed. However, she still wandered about the room, completing her train of thought.

"I was at a fancy dress party onc night, several years ago. In Islington, London, actually, not that it matters. Feeling kind of low, most of the rest of the guests were art critics you see, until I met this man dressed as a demon, who claimed he was called Sharku, and eventually he asked me if I wanted to sell my soul to the devil. I said yes, thinking he meant something else entirely, but instead of taking me home, he just left and I never saw him again."

"Eventually, late one night I got a phonecall from him. He didn't introduce himself, of course - a woman would never forget a voice like his. Anyway, he gave me a weird shopping list and some hints as to which categories in the Yellow Pages would be most useful, and hung up. So I bought the stuff, and I'd kept it in the cupboard for ages -"

"Hang on, you've been getting *phonecalls* from Sharku?" Screwtape interrupted. That was, of course, a serious breach of discipline - people had been given full-body piercings for less. But on the other hand, in this case it didn't seem to have been as catastrophic disaster as it might have been.

"Oh, yes, lots of phonecalls. Late into the night and occasionally into the early morning. He told me all about you, you know."

He raised an eyebrow once more. There were certain... events in his past that he wouldn't even tell others of his own kind, let alone mortals. By Durgath, Sharku would pay for this! - but all he said was, "Indeed?".

"Oh yes, simply *everything*. Your unhappy childhood in New Jersey, your interest in automotive trivia," - Screwtape relaxed and began to take mental notes on his new "history" - "and even how you blew up your highschool," - he tensed again: evidently it wasn't entirely fictitious - "you know, *everything*." Her voice became sterner. "Oh, and he also gave me some tips on how to keep your kind under control - that's what the Portrait is out there for, and just to be on the safe side I'm stocked with garlic and wolfsbane and holy water and wooden stakes and so forth."

Stranger and stranger - wise preparations no doubt due to Sharku's infernal influence, mixed with a naievety he was rather awed by. He didn't care about any of the more vegetable ingredients she had listed, as long as she didn't try to make a soup out of them. He didn't disillusion her - she obviously wasn't aware of the full extent of his abilities, nor of his weakness and the strength she had over him. He didn't particularly care to deliver *that* information easily.

Meanwhile, the girl was a little perplexed. She'd never met a real live demon before, and wasn't quite sure what he would do when cornered. She wasn't expecting him to just sit there and look alternately bemused and nonchalant, though. Just her luck, out of all the underworldlings to summon, she got a dolt. Nevermind, she'd find *something* to make him a more active plot device. She excused herself politely and went off to look for the instruction book Sharku had given her.

Screwtape sat, sipped his martini, and idly wondered whether he'd be thanking or thwapping Sharku next time they met.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Giant Pussy
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 13:04:14 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Screwtape sat, sipped his martini, and idly wondered whether he'd be thanking or thwapping Sharku next time they met.

Kitty leant over and gently prised his fingers from the glass, his quiet snores telling her Sharku's potion had worked.

Slipping his shirt and kilt off quickly she settled him back against the snowy white couch and picked up her polaroid camera, clicking away expertly until she was sure she had him captured.

Selecting the last photo the camera spat out, still milky and indistinct at the moment, she wandered out to the patio again, fanning the snapshot to make it dry quicker.

Slowly slowly the picture formed as the air brushed across its surface - slowly slowly Kitty smiled as she looked at the familiar face staring back at her from the photo.

She raised her eyes from the Macey Grey picture she now held in her hand to the fifty foot tall rampantly nude Screwtape on the Tower Music Building and giggled, quite pleased with herself. She was starting to *enjoy* this whole "evil" thing...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Aquarion officially de-lurks :-)
From: aquarion.aquarionics.com (Aquarion)
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 19:59:44 GMT

The minds eye is an infinitely versatile object, capable of rendering objects that the most dedicated artist would find impossible to make look real. In dreams we see another reality, and it is in dreams where this post begins.

Imagine, if you will, the multiverse. A huge sphere of multicoloured points linked in ways our minds, conceived in one of these points, cannot possibly see. And yet there is something around it. A sprinkling of blue sparkles surrounds the entire area, around every point they eddy and swirl, gradually focusing on one point, pointing, leading, like iron fillings to a magnet, and onto one point they focus and the mind shifts perspective.

We are inside one of the points of the multiverse, one of the nodes, one of the universes. There are many more, governed by magic, words, or just the same more-or-less logical rules that bind our own universe together, for that is where we are. And the blue sparkles are here also, spinning and flowing towards another, smaller point, a swirl in the galaxy, and we zoom in further.

And further, though the clouds of stars, focusing on a string that is orbiting the galaxy in mindnumbing slowness, and yet travelling faster than many thought possible.

Onto a single star, orbited by 9 rocks of varying size, and as we circle the sun - as all the rocks do - we can see the sparkles head toward a single planet, a blue-green planet.

We spin past the lands, though the daytime, the evening and into the night, and in the darkness we focus on a small triangular country which for the sake of argument we shall call "England" and from there into the south-eastern corner, midway between the bright lights of the big city and the calmness of the sea to the south.

And closer do we zoom, to a single room, and a single computer, as the blue sparkles collate and solidify into a young male, typing at his keyboard. The figure of Aquarion, making his de-lurk post to RHOD.

Hi, I'm Aquarion, and I am to be your newest member for a while.

I love to say I have lurked lots, but in reality I followed people from AFDA a couple of days ago.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dratted Tree Goo
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2000 10:41:10 +1000

"Paul" wrote:
> I had to cut a limb off my weeping willow tree today, and I dutifully coated the wound with some of that black tree goo. Although I was terribly careful, I was clearly not careful enough, and I now have sticky black patches on my hands. Yuck.

Try rubbing in peanut butter.

Or you could stick hair to your patches and wander around muttering darkly and shaking your fist at the moon.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Panda Porno
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 11:42:43 -0400

On Tue, 25 Apr 2000, Comrade Nobody Knows declared:
[snip]
} Actually someone, long before me, has pointed out that animals that reproduce asexually don't have built in life spans, they don't die of old age. They do die of course of various things, disease, harsh environments, etc. But they don't die of old age.
} Animals that reproduce sexually all have built in expiration dates, so sex=death.
} Remember that kids the next time the petting in the back seat of dad's Impala gets hot and heavy!

I am immortal! IMMORTAL! HA HA HA HA!!

JIM, hm, Lazarus Long would sort of blow that theory to smithereens, wouldn't he?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Li'L Silvy's Gonna Bite your colon!!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 08:47:41 -0700

steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
> "Brett Brown" <binsoc.eticomm.net> wrote:
>>Li'L Silvy's Gonna Bite your colon!!
>I've heard of some bizarre sexual practices while here at RHOD, but I think this one tops 'em all.

I don't think I've ever seen a punctuation fetish before.

Here you are Brett, Go nuts :
and if I might be a bit more risque ;

I guess I should also include / and \ because I don't know which way you swing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fart Contest.com - Win Prizes!
From: Jason <jbeasley.primary.net>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 18:03:37 -0500

Nobody Knows wrote:
> <name.something.net> wrote:
> > Website offers online monthly contests to both contributors and voters! Prizes include round trip airline tickets, etc....
> > http://www.<snipped>.com
> My faith in a higher power has been restored! The webpage didn't load! Its a blessing, a blessing from the Lord I tell you!

Quick tip: The easiest way to not load this webpage, is to not visit the link.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Li'l Silvy's Gonna Bite your vitreous humor!
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2000 01:23:49 -0400

Paul, a beast of pure hatred with purpose malign, wrote:
> steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
>> "Brett Brown" <binsoc.eticomm.net> wrote:
>>>Li'L Silvy's Gonna Bite your colon!!
>>I've heard of some bizarre sexual practices while here at RHOD, but I think this one tops 'em all.
> No need to say, "I double dog dare you" around here. We'll top it alright.

Sorry, Paul, the double dogs don't even register on the meter.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD2K
From: "trog" <trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk>
Date: Tue, 25 Apr 2000 19:07:18 +0100

Daniel E. Macks wrote ...
> I go away for 3 days, and come back to find OVER TWO THOUSAND FUCKING MESSAGES!!! Since I'm lazy and suffering from beer withdrawal, could some kind soul lend a hand? I'm almost caught up, but just in case, might someone summarize a few threads for me?

OK here goes, Dan, I've said it before; You might be Canadian, especially if you can identify a word association between homophobic closeted homosexuals and kicking our asses. Just to brighten your day, a modest proposal for a happy non-committal springtime event: The adventures of badboy Mcain. ~Steve-o is gone with no explanation, no drums, no trumpets, yelling, "I'm not here", with all your book recommendations and another URL ... But guess who is back? Aquarion officially de-lurks, shouting, "Miss me? No? Nobody loves me."

WOW! Unbe-fragging-lieveable! Pics of bald chicks from a dubious source prompt the question: What the Hell?!?!? Damn exams! Damn damn and double damn (er, Darn for the younger folks), I miss my sweetie, my book, and Noam Chomsky. Please read my near death experience - the great surrealistic Elian the movie/TV show cascade! In case you missed it, my new background is a giant pussy...

Now the really badly wildly off-topic perfect joke (Dot comedy - not really, but cute anyway). This one is FUNNY. No, an apology, this one may or may not be funny. Punishment? Vote now for Internet Oracularities Digest #1160! If search engines not register your site - I hereby declare me me me myself *KING*.

It occurred to me today that things rhodites might like to know include, erm, DSL info, Netscape 6, and BTW, what happened to MCI's Lovelace number 1161 & 4-20? Need secret girl to stuff password for adult check system anyone? 1161-03. Ahhh. :)

AHBOU BASTARDS MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!! The IRS wants YOU! Don't be next!

Oh baby, help! I have a DBD::Oracle 'wibble' installation problem due to sheep marinated in dratted Sargasso tree goo (was Re: Mmm, bacon) and tied up with one good new thread.

Serendipity! Another great prize-winning sig! Chag Sameach and Happy Easter!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No Drums, No Trumpets
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 15:18:45 GMT

Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>"Paul" wrote:
>> Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>> >"Paul" wrote:
>> >> But as for rhod, I would say that anybody -- myself included -- who dishes it out had better be prepared to take it. We talk about lots of taboo stuff here, and I must admit I have read things here that have made me feel ill. So if somebody wants to poke fun at my infirmities, have at it. Just be prepared to be blasted back, all in the interest of fun :)
>> >Okay, gimpy. :)
>> <JTK>
>> Ready all.....photon...torpedos, Mr...Chekov. FIRE.
>> </JTK>
>Blast! I've been hit! I shall now prepare my secret weapon... the Restatement (Second) of the Law of Contracts! Let's see you handle this:
>
>Section 213. Effect of Integrated Agreement on Prior Agreements (Parol Evidence Rule)
>
>(1) A binding integrated agreement discharges prior agreements to the extent that it is inconsistent with them.
>(2) A binding completely integrated agreement discharges prior agreements to the extent that they are within its scope.
>(3) An integrated agreement that is not binding or that is voidable and avoided does not discharge a prior agreement. But an integrated agreement, even though not binding, may be effective to render inoperative a term which would have been part of the agreement if it had not been integrated.
>
>this is war.

This Agreement, made this ______ day of ______, by and between Law Student (hereinafter referred to as "Subhuman Indigenous Lifeform", "Alien Entity", "Entity", or "Minor Irritation") and the Internet Oracle (hereinafter referred to as "Oracle", "Minor Deity", "Good Guy", or "Supragenius")

WITNESSETH:

WHEREAS, Law Student has openly stated legalistic gobbledygook, and

WHEREAS, the Oracle is in the business of applying high voltage bolts of energy ("Zots") to such like as Law Student,

NOW THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and conditions herein contained, and other good and valuable consideration, receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, Law Student and Oracle hereby agree as follows:

1. Restraint. Subhuman Indigenous Lifeform is hereby restrained from further acts of spouting Legalistic Gobbledygook or other nonsense containing big intimidating words.

2. Punishment. Oracle may, at said Minor Deity's sole discretion, deign to deliver Zots as punishment to Subhuman Indigenous Lifeform for further acts on the part of said Entity that involve speaking legalistic gobbledygook, and said punishment may include but not be limited to Zotting said Minor Irritation into a small pile of smoldering ashes.

3. Retribution. There will be no retribution from Subhuman Indigenous Lifeform for acts of punishment against said Minor Irritation, since the most said entity could possibly do after being Zotted would be to cause the Oracle to sneeze a bit.

3. Indemnification. Law Student hereby indemnifies and holds harmless Oracle as to any and all claims of Law Student, Law Student's employees and agents and of any and all third parties, which claims arise in relation to or in consequence of Law Student or Oracle's performance pursuant hereto or rights hereunder. This indemnification shall include but not be limited to the cost to Oracle of satisfying any and all such claims as well as any and all costs and attorney's fees incurred by Oracle in defending against or otherwise handling such claims.

4. Other Stuff. Oracle may at times refer to Subhuman Indigenous Lifeform as a poo-head prior to Zotting said Entity.

5. This Agreement represents the entire understanding between the parties with regard to the subject matter contained herein and no modification or amendment hereof shall be of force or effect unless in writing and signed in blood by all the parties hereto.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, intending to be legally bound hereby, the parties have caused their hands and seals to be affixed below.

Internet Oracle............... . . . .......... . . .... Law Student

_____________________________ . .....__________________________


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Drenched!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:20:44 -0700

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>"Sid" <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>>It's raining heavily here and the block pond+waterfall started overflowing and the dumb overflow mechanism decided that this was the ideal time to stop working.
>>Got completely drenched bringing the water back to a decent level by brute force bucket method. Normally, a bit of an overflow would have been ok, but we had cases of suicidal fish before and I didn't want to give the koi any excuses.
>Now there's a public service that hasn't been developed to its fullest potential: fish suicide intervention. Call 1-800-ICH-HELP.

It was the saddest thing to see. A fish tied himself to a balloon and threw himself out of the river...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freyja Come Back!
From: Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu>
Date: 27 Apr 2000 15:46:33 -0700

Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> writes:
> Wikkit wrote:
> > Everyone could start proposing to here (like everyone to Meg in %afda), but I'm not entirely sure all of the froup memebers would like that...
> If you're referring to me, don't worry, I won't mind. You can propose all you like. She's already accepted my proposal, after all...

Hey, cool!

Chris, will you marry me?

--Nathan "Why are you looking at me like that?" Sullivan


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Moon Unit Badger
From: Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu>
Date: 28 Apr 2000 18:07:36 -0700

latebird.usa.net (Wikkit) writes:
> [pointless "urgh" story:
> I saw a big spider crawling on my floor.
> I think it's a wolf spider.
> It has an leg span of about an inch and a half
> and is dark brown with a big butt.
> I put a pop can over it to immobilize it.
> It laid happily under the can's paraboilc underside all night.
> Just now it proved it's urghosity
> by tipping over the can.
> urgh.
> It just ran away.
> I'm not chasing it.
> urgh.
> ]

That is a *terrible* haiku.

--Nathan "It doesn't even rhyme" Sullivan



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