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2000 08

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: This Just In...Republican Convention Kickoff
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 01 Aug 2000 03:15:36 GMT

...and they're all waving around these big red and blue foam rubber sausages.

Is it because the presumptive nominee for VP is named Dick?

And where do you go when you want to order several thousand four-foot-long-eight-inch-thick-dildos?

And when you say, "I want 'Bush' printed on it," does the salesperson manage to control his/her laughter?

And do the people at the convention realize that the way they are caressing these things lovingly on national television is nearly obscene? And does the guy who was practically licking his foam thingie on national TV tonight realize just what it looked like he was doing?

HAVE THESE PEOPLE LOST THEIR MINDS???!!!???!!!!

I just hope the Democratic party decides to issue giant foam rubber thingies that resemble...I dunno, orchids or something.

In other news, the Republicans issued an official statement stating that, "our candidate is averager than their candidate."

*sigh*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I usually like it pretty strong
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 01 Aug 2000 08:20:28 -0700

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> Sara M said:
>> ; Starbucks have just opened a store here...
>> Run away. Fast.
>> ; Should I try it? I hear tell Americans make piss-weak coffee...
>> That store isn't called "Charbuck" without cause. If you know and like good coffee, you won't find it there. They over-roast their beans. The only "good" coffee drinks they have are over-sugared and over-creamed. This is to mask the burnt taste of the coffee itself.
>
>Pre-sugared coffee? Coffee with *cream*??
>Coffee that tastes like green apples or cherry or choc-mint or lark's vomit supreme?
>
>Over my dead buddy.
>
>
>You Americans have a LOT to feel responsible for 8(

Well, not me!

A fairly long time ago I realized that coffee is precious little more that filtered bean soup, and if it were so darn tasty, why do folks feel compelled to change it's taste? And the things that they use to change the taste just seem odd. Instead of milk and sugar, I'd recommend chicken broth and basil, and you should see the expressions I get at the coffee bar.

That's why I prefer canned caffeine, the way that nature intended it. Yup an ice cold can of man made ingredients created in a sterile environment and probably rendering me the same. Tasty stuff. On occasion, I'll also drink tea, straight, black, hot. Gimme a cup of Orange Pekoe leaf broth and I'm a happy man. I stride up to the coffee bar after someone has ordered a half-caf double latte mocha grande with a twist, two and a half shots of vermouth light on the foam with .002 grams of chocolate suspended on the whipped cream and say to the attendant "That bag, this cup, you add the water". It's like watching the dawn after a hurricane.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I usually like it pretty strong
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 03 Aug 2000 11:35:16 +1000

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> Just so long as you don't claim me an evangelist for Mac, Windows, Linux, Intel, FreeBSD, Timex/Sinclairs, TRS-80s, Babbage Machines, Abacus, Slide Rules, Pencils, belly button lint, or anything else.

*That* will teach those bastards at Deja not to put links in our posts!

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cat Compatibility Test - Q17/9a-b
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 01 Aug 2000 10:17:25 -0700

Wikkit asked:
> dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> >- pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
> >->pieceoftheuniverse - almost lost myself in there, but I pulled out just in time.
> >-That's what *she* said!
> >--- D. "Substantial penalties for early withdrawal." W.

I knew I was setting myself up for something with that ending, but my mind was reeling by the time I finished that I was just barely able to hit send, let alone sling a double entendre over my shoulder. Thank ghod I can trust rhod to do the completely inappropriate thing.

> Just to fit the phrase, wouldn't 'That's what *he* said!' be more appropriate?

**Ahem** (here we go again)

That is what he said, he being me of course, or it could be a he that is completely undefined, but let's say it's me, in which case we can assume that I'm heterosexual only because I am, which is weak evidence at best, not to mention purely circumstantial, although perhaps my girl could be a reference. Since I did say it, it would be awkward, if only in the slightest, to quote myself, or at least to quote me and then to say that I said it when it is obvious as to what's being said. By saying it and then mentioning that I said it, that could only mean that it was, in fact, me, and to say "That's what *he* said" would only add to the confusion of which "he" you're talking about if you were to assume that I was homosexual, which only bothers to confuse the issue only because I am, in fact, not. Again, purely circumstantial evidence, although my girl swears I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body, that's neither here nor there, though I suppose it could then be argued that I'm the "she" in D.W.'s statement, and that my girl could then become the "he," if she wanted to be, though she wears tighter pants than I do and could possibly suffer should she decide she wanted to place something extra in them, not to mention the fact that she might decide the whole girl-girl thing could be kinda fun, in which case I would be out of the picture entirely, and so the above could not be said, at least not by her, and so she couldn't be the "she."

Confused yet?

Actually, assuming I was the "she" and she was also -a- "she" but not -the- "she," I would not be out of the picture, only out of my current frame of reference; that is, the physical proportions that I am used to and carry about with me day to day. In which case it would still be "that's what *she* said," although why in the hell a woman would pull out is beyond my capacity, though I must admit my experience in female homoerotic acts is limited at best.

I was trying to explain something here, but I lost my point. Hold on...

Nope. Gone.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - help, anyone? I tried reading the above to get it back, but now my mind resembles a half-melted icee: basically, no good to anyone unless you're determined to finish the damn thing.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Attention, poets!
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 04 Aug 2000 23:59:35 +1000

Chris Wesling wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> > Donald Welsh wrote:
> > > Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > > >Fierce Cookie wrote:
> > > >> pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
> > > >> >Not so! I see them all the time in bookstores -- gathering dust 'till they're stripped and given back to the publishers, that is...
> > > >> This would have been much more entertaining if it had been in reference to something else...cheerleaders, for example.
> > > >What *is* it with American men and cheerleaders?
> > > Cheerleaders are young, nubile females in short skirts. They shake their pom-poms and kick high. They do this during the half-time show, which gives American men time enough to grab a beer.
> > > -- D. "You had to ask." W.
> > They don't have big green dragons and giant chickens and perambulating sharks at half-time like we have at our football games?
> Wow, what kind of drinks do Aussie football stadiums serve? Sounds like serious D.T.'s to me.
> > Poor Americans - it's no wonder they drink.
> And Aussies don't? Ha ha ha!! Pull the other one, missie, that one's all stretched out now.

Aussies do not drink my dear -
You'll find instead we sweat pure beer.
Full-bodied reds flow through our veins -
(Why - even when micturating we pass champagne)

We wash our clothes with fine milk stout -
(Though gin's much better for getting stains out)
With Dubbonet we wash out hair -
Then use vodka as conditioner.

We soak in tubs full of Cointreau;
Old Johnny Walker helps our gardens grow.
Our cars are fuelled with straight Jim Beam,
And when it rains it's pure Irish Cream.

I think you'll agree my dearest one
That we Australians are just built for fun
And that we have no need to seek out drink -
It was someone else who pulled your leg I think...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthday buddies
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 17:11:46 +1000

Stimpy JC wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> <snip>
> > > > (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!)
> > > Ta much luv.
> > > Any chance of something to drink while I'm stuck down here?
> > Mmmmm - that looks awfully like a big bottle of champagne over there on the edge of that spa bath...
> Wow, this is turning into one heck of a birthday party.
> *gets into Birthday suit*

Oh dear...
Ummm - hang on - I think I've got an iron around here somewhere...

> *starts water running in spa bath*
> *opens properly chilled bottle of Moet and pours two flutes.*
> *climbs into spa bath and sips champagne*
>
> Care to join me?

Do rats like cheese?

<SPLASH!>

<cue Theme from "Jaws"....>


<roll credits>...

> Stimpy JC (the Unchaste) a Nice Guy(tm)
> www.WeirdGlowingThingy.co.uk
> www.WeirdGlowingThingy.com
> Minister for Breasts and Buttocks. Sex Guru. AFM-PS
> Black Knight, Basset Hound, 67% loony, 53% pure, 34% weird.
> Not a fish, also not affected by exploding fishcakes.
> AIM StimpyJC; UCANPotM; Furry Code: FFLh4a A- C- D-- H- M P R+ T++++ W Z Sm
> RLCT/E a cdn++++$ d++ e+ f h* iwf+++ j+ p+ sm+


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Birthday buddies
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Aug 2000 20:04:48 GMT

Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> said:
>DRINK!!!
>Hey, what are you all looking at? It's FRIDAY!!! Not only that, it was payday today and there were sales over at the mall and I got me some skimpy and sexy lingerie at a great price and dammit I can't wait to put it to good use!

You could just eliminate the middle-man and have the store deliver it to the floor next to my bed.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like man-in-the-middle attacks


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: *** AIR FRANCE CONCORD UPDATE ***
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 05 Aug 2000 08:53:48 -0700

Crash-n-Burn.rfodn.com wrote:

You bought a spam package for that?

Geez, you *are* an easy mark.

Can I discuss the growing market for southern Florida real estate with you?

How about investing in historic New York Transportation System that's looking to privatize?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monty Python
From: "Stimpy JC" <Stimpy.JC.cwcom.net>
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 2000 21:39:55 +0100

John D <johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net> wrote:
> <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> >On Sat, 5 Aug 2000, Comrade Erik Mooney declared:
> >} [Error retrieving message: News server reported: 510 Internal Error - article unretrievable - try again later]
> >It's not unretrievable - it's just resting.
> > JIM
> It didn't want to work in usenet. It always wanted to be...
> A lumberjack!
> John -- taking it to a new level of surrealism


I never wanted to post to newsgroups anyway.

I always wanted to be... a Webmaster!

Hyperlinking from page to page as they transferred down the mighty T1 links of British Columbia. Unix! The mighty Perl! CGI programming!

Oh I'm a webmaster
And I'm O.K.
I type all night
And I sleep all day.

(nerds)
He's a webmaster
And he's O.K.
He types all night
And he sleeps all day.

I build a page
I write some Java
I work out a hyperlink
On Wednesday I type C code
And it hurts my brain to think.

(nerds)
He builds a page
He writes some Java
He works out a hyperlink
On Wednesdays he types C code
And it hurts his brain to think.

(nerds)
He's a webmaster
And he's O.K.
He types all night
And he sleeps all day.

I build a page
I use notepad
I make gifs and jpegs
I sit so long I'm getting
A fat arse and fat legs.

(nerds)
He builds a page
He used notepad
He makes gifs and jpegs
He sits so long he's getting
A fat arse and fat legs.

(nerds)
He's a webmaster
And he's O.K.
He types all night
And he sleeps all day.

I build a page
I make fake nudes
Of Britney and Brad Pitt
I think that you'll agree that
This song's a pile of sh*t.

(nerds)
He types HTML
He makes fake nudes
Of Britney? And Brad Pitt!!?
That's shocking! Very very rude.
That's it, I'm leaving <click>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monty Python
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Aug 2000 06:05:49 GMT

Freyja <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> said:
}"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
}| Freyja <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> said:
}| >"Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
}| >| Freyja wrote:
}| >| > Where's my chocolate?!?
}| >| <burp>
}| >GIMME! I have hypochocolatemia! A severe case! Help me! Truffles IV stat!
}| Sorry, nurse, but all saline and IV materials have been requisitioned for whoopie-cushion and human-scale sling-shot use, respectively.
}Give me chocolate, or the fishies become sushi.

<loads 12 kg chocolate into IV-tube slingshot>

<locates Freyja on radar>

<pulls back 200 or so feet>

P P P     O O O    I I I I I   N      N     G G G
P    P   O     O       I       N N    N   G
P P P    O     O       I       N   N  N   G   G G G
P        O     O       I       N    N N   G     G
P         O O O    I I I I I   N      N     G G G

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if the army can defend against incoming ICBM&Ms


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Monty Python
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 20:51:09 +1000

trog wrote:
> You judge.

You you you LAWYER, you!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just Ain't Raight
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 6 Aug 2000 15:35:21 -0400

Comrade Sara M declared:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} > JIM, now, Sara, where were we?
} I'm just down here...
} I've been keeping your place warm...

I appreciate the thought, but is a bonfire in the living room *really* the best solution?

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 09 Aug 2000 01:06:41 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Chicken tastes like childre... Oh look - a shiny bauble....
> Look! A leaf!
> -- D. "EVIL Goodbye Ferret, more like." W.

A ferret is a snake with hair
That hides within mens underwear

<CHOMP!>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 16:28:33 +1000

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> "Marc Lechowicz" <tmarcl.hotmail.com> wrote:
> >No, I'm actually serious. Redheads, as far as I'm concerned, anyways, are sexier than non-reds (not that non-reds aren't sexy, they're just not a sexy as reds).
> >Marc
> Why, thank you. You say the sweetest things!
> Oh, look, I'm blushing....

Umm - I think he was talking about hair...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 21 Aug 2000 01:01:32 GMT

Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net> said:
>Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>> I think we should declare every day on which a rhodent has a birthday as International Rhodent Day. Who needs to celebrate only *once* a year?
>> --Nathan "But leave the burro at home this time" Sullivan
>It's hardly a birthday party without donkey tail.

I should point out that playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey (even in the traditional kids version) is a Very Bad Idea if 1) the pinner is drunk, 2) they still do the spinning around thing (physically, in addition the room spinning all by itself), and 3) everybody else is also drunk, so 5) they don't tell you that you've staggered into a different room.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are glad the front door wasn't open


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 24 Aug 2000 21:26:55 GMT

Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> said:
>Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote
>> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies know what has two thumbs, speaks French, and is fantastic in bed
>Well? What?

<points at self with thumbs> Moi.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't get many phone numbers with that one


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 15:55:53 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
> <points at self with thumbs> Moi.
> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't get many phone numbers with that one

[Scene: singles bar. A woman is sitting with a couple of her friends, talking, laughing, having a good time. Dan comes up to them, and they stop for a moment, since he's swaggering a bit, and thus has caught their attention.]

Dan: Moi.

[The girls look expectantly, but nothing more is forthcoming. They ignore him, and he moves on to the next table, with no better luck.]

---
pieceoftheuniverse - context? Who needs context?!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: most disturbing
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 11:52:59 +1000

Artiscyn wrote:
> There's more. To celebrate the Mega-City and to promote tourism, artists were commissioned to prepare statues of moose, which were then distributed throughout the City.

Och aye the noo, I dinnae ken what your cats must look like!

Ian MacDavis.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: WAKE UP, AMERICA!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 07 Aug 2000 08:39:34 -0700

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>I'm bored 8(
><poke>

mumble*mumble
...another ten minutes...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: Elissa Degennaro <hotarugari.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 2000 18:38:21 -0500

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
> >Actually this only slightly has to do with him, as it has to do with a penis, a knife, and several lost nerve endings:
> >> NAIROBI, Kenya (Reuters) - A Kenyan teenage boy was in critical condition after his penis was cut off in a botched circumcision, a Kenyan newspaper reported Wednesday.
> <SNIP> (hee, hee)
> >I don't know about you, but it sure as hell made -me- wince.
> *Wince*? Hell, my circumcision traumatised me so much that I couldn't walk or talk for almost a year afterwards.
> Richard.

Hi, I'm a newbie and stuff, couldn't resist responding to this.

Let me guess... you were a baby when it happened, right, Richard?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 21:13:52 -0700

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> TechnoAtheist said:
>; >Funny you should say that. Spoke to my GP the other day about getting one. She said that a couple of Canberra's local urologists had done themselves*[1] under local[2].
>; You sure it wasn't part of a bar bet? You get three or four urologists and a couple of bottles of tequila and all kinds of wackiness ensues.
>Right. They start sampling the lab specimens.

Well, yes, they do tend to start drinking American Beer, but that's beside the point.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 17:09:53 -0700

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> TechnoAtheist said:
>; Well, yes, they do tend to start drinking American Beer, but that's beside the point.
>Not all American Beer is bad. Just the megabrews. I can walk into my local liquor store and pick from about a dozen American beers that can hold their own against the Europeans.

<diatribe style="snob:beer">
The problem with American beers is that we're used to slugging back spoilt beer.

Sherman, set the WayBack machine for Boston, 1775...
/wavy lines/
\wavy lines\
/wavy lines/
Well here we are outside of the Adam's residence, the year 1775

S. Adams: Oh woe is me. Woe is me!

Sherman: What seems to be the problem Mr. Adams.

S. Adams: I've got some tasty beer here but no one seems to like it.

Sherman: Really? Can I taste it?

Peabody: Sherman, you're underage! I should try it.

Sherman: Well, Mr. Peabody, you're a dog. When have you ever seen a dog with discriminating tastes?

Peabody: You're not going to bring up the fact that my cousin works at Taco Bell again, are you?

Narrator: Ahem, Let's just assume that the beer is indeed tasty. It's a mild roasted barley brew made with New England hops and get on with the story.

Sherman: Gosh, Mr. Adams, that *is* a tasty beverage. So why don't people like it?

S. Adams: It's because of the Germans.

Peabody: The Germans?

S. Adams: Everyone knows how good German beer is. Oktoberfest is known around the world. So whenever some rich guy here wants to get himself and his buddies properly blitzed, he sends off a note to the German brewers and they send the beer here, and mine doesn't taste anything like theirs does.

Peabody: Ah, I think I understand.

Sherman: Well, I sure don't.

Peabody: (mumbles)That is one way of putting it.

Sherman: You know, I can still get an appointment at the vet for you...

Peabody: (unfazed)Sherman, remember that the only way to ship items in 1775 is indeed by ship.

Sherman: Gosh, Mr Peabody, wouldn't that take a while?

Peabody: About six months. And when is Oktoberfest usually held?

Sherman: October?

Peabody: Well, late September really, but yes.

Sherman: (excited) Holy Boilermakers, Batman!

Peabody: Excuse me?

Sherman: That beer is out on the rolling oceans during the hottest part of summer! That's gonna make it taste like fermented rat whiz.

Peabody: Correct, my boy.

Sherman: So why'd anyone want to drink it.

S. Adams: After paying through the nose and waiting a year to drink it, folks learn to love the taste. I think I'm going to get out of the beer industry and try my hand at politics. Heh, heh. You want to see something funny? I made a few quick changes to my recipe to try to make something that tastes like the crud the take off the ships? (Hands paper to Peabody and Sherman)

Sherman: Blech. Don't you think soaking old boots in the brew is a bit of an exaggeration?

Peabody: Quite, I'd recommend setting up the vats as a skunk jacuzzi.

S. Adams: Well, I know my family won't be daft enough to follow this recipe.

Peabody: (V.O.) We left Mr. Adams as he started practicing his speeches and returned to the lab.

Sherman: I still don't really understand, Mr. Peabody, why didn't someone make a beer that wasn't as bitter and nasty as the spoiled beer the rich folks were drinking.

Peabody: It was partly pride. Folks wanted the same god-awful stuff the rich liked because the rich could presumably buy the best. There were a few efforts made to make a more traditional milder brew. In fact the brewer responsible for Budwieser would often create a very pleasant brew. Sadly he could not hold his liquor and would often ruin the recipe after two test draughts. Smarter patrons realized this and would ask for their first pull before the Brewer had taken his second test. This lead to the famous saying...

Sherman: No, Mr. Peabody! Don't Do It!.

Peabody: A beer in hand is better than two in Busch.

/wavy lines/
\wavy lines\
/wavy lines/

You're right that there are a few breweries that make proper beers where you can be blindfolded and actually taste the difference between a port, a stout, a lager and an ale (personal fave is lagers), but on the whole, we still have quite a ways to go...

</diatribe>

>Bud suck, Coors is marginally better. Corona (Mexico) is, so far as I can tell, a Mexican Budweiser.

If you get a chance, try a Pacifico. It's goes well with Baja Mexican food (stewed chicken tacos, or a grilled chicken burrito, fish, pork tamales, etc)

There are a few very local breweries that make decent brews, but sadly, there are too many that make wacko beers, and Ales still reign supreme. Nice if you like Ales, just not my taste really.

As an odd segue, I really like Henry Weinherd's Root Beer. Mighty tasty stuff that.

>And don't get me started on those Canadian beers! :)

LaBatts.

g'won. I dare ya.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 14 Aug 2000 05:43:53 GMT

Elissa Degennaro <hotarugari.mindspring.com> said:
>I've been digitally cannibalized once or twice, but not on ngs (or nfs, either). I go to weird chatrooms. It would certainly be an interesting experience to be cannibalized in a non real time forum.

OTOH, it would kinda suck to have been being eaten for 6 hours and not know it 'cuz your server is slow. You'd not realize someone had gone down because your server had gone down.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies oughta start dating a Windows box


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 12 Aug 2000 01:46:01 +1000

idit wrote:
> > Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> wrote:
> >idit wrote:
> >> >> That chain mail underwear is cold, but I don't leave home without.
> >> >Send panties to each of these five people, then add your name to the list and erase the first name!
> >> You lost me.
> >Chain mail.
> Damn. I missed that reference. The panties part threw me off because I don't wear them. Boxer shorts allow that natural freedom.

And they're *much* better for your sperm count. That's why REAL men don't wear panties I think.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: In memory of DMP...
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Wed, 16 Aug 2000 05:33:06 GMT

Jim Evans said:
; } I noticed. As I said, it was extremely helpful. It just about unlocked the mysteries of the universe.
; You know, if we ever found anyone capable of comprehending the FAQ, it'd instantly be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

+Again+?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: On the phone
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 11 Aug 2000 07:54:03 +1000

Here is a transcript of an actual conversation that I had on the phone last night. Some bits have been altered very slightly, to implicate the guilty.

[The scene: the Davis household, during an enjoyable evening meal]

Phone: [ring ring]

Me: Hello?

Voice: Hello, is Mr or Mrs Davis there?

Me: Speaking.

Voice: Hello Mr Davis. I represent Privacy Busters International, dedicated to promoting unwelcome intrusive communication at the expense of cold evening meals. How are you this evening?

Me: Well, it's very kind of you to ask, because actually I've been pretty unwell lately. My blood pressure has been very high, so high that I was starting to develop chest pains. The doctor told me that it was my heart and that it was pretty serious. I'm on medication now and it's brought my blood pressure down, but I have to be very careful. [My wife, offstage: "WHAT are you DOING?"] If anything happens that annoys me like, oh, I don't know, being rung at home during teatime by a telemarketer, I run the risk of my blood pressure rising very suddenly and I might even have a heart attack. I'm sorry, I interrupted you: what was your reason for calling again?

Voice: Oh, ah, er, well, perhaps I'd better leave you to it. Good night {click}.

[My wife]: [deleted]


I was very disappointed. That very day I had planned out this conversation for the next time it happened. Imagine my delight when it happened that very night. I was going to go on to develop chest pain and collapse, all the while remaining very polite and trying desperately to listen enthusiastically to what was being said, while barely able to reach the phone or breathe.

Oh well, there's always next time. Perhaps I'll wait until my wife is not there before trying it again. Others may feel free to use or modify this, it is in the public domain.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Come on, Mr Salami-Man...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:42:22 -0400

On Tue, 15 Aug 2000, Comrade Sara M declared:
} Donald Welsh wrote:
} > OICU812.
} L - + I 8 A K9 B4...
} O O...

I tried entering this on my HP calculator, and all I got was "A Suffusion of Yellow".

JIM, whose big red Sodomizing french fry is, millimeter for millimeter, the most fundamentally interconnected creature on the planet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My Bra Is Killing Me
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 10:47:57 +1000

Freyja wrote:
> "Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> | Sorry - just wanted to get that off my chest.
> I'll help. <G>
> Should your bra be charged with attempted murder?

Nah - it was just a hold-up...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: humor mailing list
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 13 Aug 2000 11:05:46 -0700

Einstein <einstein.cuy.net> wrote:
>hey all I have a pretty cool humor mailing list that may be of interest to yall
>check it out it is at http://<snip>/lists/
>the list name is humor
>let me know if you need more info ...
>email me at einstein.cuy.net

Glad to hear from you again, considering you've been dead for 45 years. Sadly, I don't know exactly what a yall is but I'll assume that it's a branch of theoretical physics.

I'm also not quite sure why I'd be interested in your mailing list. I don't believe I'd understand why a tensor is like a freshman's closet or why the quark crossed the brownian stream. I might be able to get why one twin walks into a bar moving near the speed of light, but I think a fair amount of the nuance would be missed.

Might I recommend alt.math.recreational?

pervert.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: It's a witchy kind of day, so...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 14:29:21 +1000

A creaky old house on a rain-wracked hill...
A driving sharp wind - a bone-snapping chill...
The lust-witches landed and parked their twig brooms,
Took off their black cloaks and heaved their bazooms.
A quick flick of the hair, lipstick, some perfume -
The lust-witches winked and entered the room.

There round the fire stood many fine men -
One thousand I think, give or take one or ten.
The lust-witches grinned - they were *most* impressed -
Some kind thoughtful soul already had them undressed.

Forming two teams they then quickly inspected -
Lawyers, spammers to one side, with the publically-elected.
These to the basement - they'd be vivisected -
But the others - the cute ones - oh *those* they selected.

They ranged them by height - they ranked them by size -
The ten largest they kept - they'd be the Grand Prize.
By hair-length, by fingers, by the number of eyes -
The lust-witches giggled and sorted out guys.

Then, when each witch was happy with her chosen slave-crew
She chained them all up without further ado
And, with a smile for her sisters as she bid them adieu -
She hurried them off towards Chapter Two...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: FREE $15.00 CASH & MUCH MORE!!!
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 11:46:21 -0700

Semanthe wrote:
> Being a mother of 5, I am always trying to find the best deals for my money. A friend of mine recently told me about a coupon program which gives away free memberships to one of the web's largest coupon distribution systems. I have been using this system for about a month and my savings have been incredible. Recently my grocery bill was $118.84, after I submitted coupons for all the products that I had purchased (I received the coupons through this program), my bill was only $ 12.36! The cashier was shocked! This is truly the best program I have ever been in! I am including the url below. Check it out it is really GREAT!
<decisively over-hyped URL snipped>

I can just imagine this scene:

Clerk: ...and the grand total comes to $118.84.

Semanthe: Oh, wait, I have these coupons--

Clerk: Dear Ghod, lady, you tryin' to write a novel? How many of these things do you have?

[Child 1 begins crying]

Semanthe: Look, could you just ring them through? My kids need to get home, and...

[Child 2, seeing 1 beginning to act up, starts sniffling]

Clerk: Oh boy. Look, it took half an hour to ring all this stuff through because your kids were crawling all over the cart and counter. And finally, when I manage to wrestle away the last box of cereal from your eldest--

Semanthe: That was very rude, by the way.

[Child 3 looks at 1 & 2's behavior and begins to wonder if she should join in]

Clerk: Whatever. By the time I get that done, you pull out what has to be an encyclopedia of every coupon ever created in the history of mankind.

[By now both are practically yelling over the hubbub of the miniature persons below]

Semanthe: Wouldn't this go faster if you'd just do as I ask?

Clerk: I would, miss, but your daughter has at least six pages in her mouth, and no way am I going near anything that teethes ever again. We spent ten minutes trying to get a manager over here to stop the bleeding, if you remember.

Semanthe: Steph didn't mean it, <cute voice> did you Stephanie?

[Stephanie stops munching on the coupon book long enough to look her mom right in the eye before bursting into tears, a la Kids 1, 2, and 3]

Semanthe: [takes the coupon book, hands it to the clerk] Look, just ring me through.

Clerk: [as he begins] <mumbles> most people with five kids would spend a hundred bucks on the regular stuff: baby powder, diapers, baby food...

Semanthe: I need the alcohol for medicinal purposes.

Clerk: Labor ended the first day, miss.

Semanthe: You obviously don't have kids. Labor lasts 'till they turn twenty-five. Besides, I have coupons. It's not a hundred dollars any more, now is it?

Clerk: [lifting Child 5 out of a grocery bag and depositing him on the floor, never stopping the coupon validation] <sigh> No, miss.

Semanthe: Are you done yet?

[The Clerk looks down at his hands, where he most obviously has at least a couple dozen more coupons to go. Frustrated, he punches the TOTAL button on the register, and the change clinks its automated way into the tray]

Semanthe: What are you doing?

Clerk: <mumbles> getting you out of my hair.

Semanthe: I want the correct total, young man.

Clerk: Your total is thirteen bucks, miss. Ten for the beer, and at least a dollar each for the three people you've kept waiting all this time. The change in the tray is yours; have a freakin' nice day.

[The line goes wild, and the Clerk bows. Unfortunately, he hits his head against the open register, and goes down right quick. Semanthe throws him a ten-dollar bill, which lands more-or-less on the counter, and reaches across to grab her receipt]

Semanthe: Hmph. And I bet you won't even help me to my car. Come along, kiddos!

---
pieceoftheuniverse - Not something you really want to broadcast on Usenet; we always know the -true- story...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: New Names
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2000 21:52:04 +0100

Since there are various people in RHOD who like to change their name occasionally, I thought the following that I received by mail might appeal.

******
Read directions carefully!! This is hilarious! The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names:

Use the first letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:

a = stinky    b = lumpy       c = buttercup
d = dorkey    e = crusty      f = greasy
g = fluffy    h = cheeseball  i = chim-chim
j = poopsie   k = flunky      l = booger
m = pinky     n = zippy       o = goober
p = doofus    q = slimy       r = loopy
s = snotty    t = falafel     u = gidget
v = squeezit  w = oprah       x = skipper
y = dinky     z = zsa-zsa

Use the first letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:

a = diaper    b = toilet      c = giggle
d = bubble    e = girdle      f = barf
g = lizard    h = waffle      i = cootie
j = monkey    k = potty       l = liver
m = banana    n = rhino       o = burger
p = hamster   q = toad        r = gizzard
s = pizza     t = gerbil      u = chicken
v = pickle    w = chuckle     x = tofu
y = gorilla   z = stinker

Use the last letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:

a = head      b = mouth       c = face
d = nose      e = tush        f = breath
g = pants     h = shorts      i = lips
j = honker    k = butt        l = brain
m = tushie    n = chunks      o = hiney
p = biscuits  q = toes        r = buns
s = fanny     t = sniffer     u = sprinkles
v = kisser    w = squirt      x = humperdinck
y = brains    z = juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name is Fluffy Toiletshorts and Al Gore would be Stinky Lizardtush.
****

Dorky Wafflepants (making no comment about the average mental age of RHOD...)
http://wavespace.waverider.co.uk/~surfbaud/Name.html


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: New Names
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 11:41:20 +1000

Sara M wrote:
> Dave Hemming wrote:
> > Since there are various people in RHOD who like to change their name
(snip)
> Crusty Pottybrains? Snotty Bananafanny?
> This thing's RIGGED 8(

Ha - I've figured it out

I'll just change my name to Graham Cracker then I can be Fluffy Gigglebuns which sounds *much* better.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: WHW
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 13:21:11 -0700

Elissa Degennaro queried:
> Cici in Texas wrote:
> <snip>
> > Whoa, sorry I'm so behind in reading the froup.
> <snip>
> Hmm.. the first time I saw "froup" I thought it was a typo. Although, I suppose it could still be one.... statistically, considering the way the keyboard is set up, it could very easily be a mistake. But I've seen it twice in under a week, each time by a different person.
> Help?

Please choose the answer you like best. Remember, only you can prove conspiracies against you!

1) No one knows. It's just one of those things. It could be a user virus; it could be catching; you're probably next.

2) It's one of those strange things that gets passed down from one Usenet generation to the next. It starts as a simple tyop, and grows into something that everyone must do. Teh truth is out there, but no one's really bothered to track it down. Ah, well, what with the imminent death of the internet on the horizon, it won't matter much longer...

3) We had a secret meeting, and decided that if you're -really- determined to hang around, we've got to scare the bejeesus out of you as some twisted and demented initiation procedure. This is only the beginning. (A little tip: don't read the Oracle's latest digest. It'll scare you half to death).

4) The priests have decreed that it must be so from on high. Frankly, no one knows quite what it means, but what the hell. Besides, they might not digest us if we don't go along with it.

5) Screwtape (some guy you haven't met yet, seeing as how he's got a RL girl he's spending all his rhod time with) introduced it. No one's quite sure about it, but we do it just to entertain him. We still do it just in case he was lying about the RLG and is lurking. Who knows, he could be you!

---
pieceoftheuniverse - please choose no more than two of the following, and integrate them into your worldview as appropriate. Thank you for choosing Usenet Conspiracies International!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wherefore Art Thou Oracularities?
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.home.com>
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2000 06:47:58 -0400

Chris Wesling wrote:
>Ed Lynn wrote:
>> I haven't eaten in a week! Instead, I've been suppling and incarnating my stubby little digits to the second joints. If the digest doesn't appear soon, I may just give up and hit the fridge, in which lies two buckets of cold, fried Sally Struthers (tastes just like fried chicken)
>No, I'm sorry, humans taste like pork. Does the term "long pig" mean *nothing* to you? We've been having newbie-barbecue threads for more than a year now...

I have no doubt that humans might very well taste of pork. I, however, have a rare condition that makes everything taste like chicken. Except, of course, chicken, which tastes like chocolate mousse.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: You you you MERKINS you.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 07:31:11 -0500

Freyja wrote:
} "Sara M" wrote
} | Typical - always sleeping when there's NEEDFUL things to attend to...
} |
} | Where *are* the good men? Where are the heroes?
} | Where are the warrior-insomniacs amongst you?
} |
} | Where *is* the tv remote control...
}
} A man has the remote control. They always do. Must be a phallic extension thing. :-)

We're just good at knowing which buttons to push.
*And* we keep doing it even when we know we should stop.
Besides, it's the only thing in our lives we *can* control.
Because it drives women nuts to not have control of something.
See what I mean about the buttons?
And about the not stopping?
<thwack>
OW! Yes, dear. Right away dear.
Umm, I have to go now, guys.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: You you you MERKINS you.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 18 Aug 2000 13:22:48 -0700

"Daniel E. Macks" declared:
> dan, whoes bright red Siamese fighting fishies keep winding up in a This Old House segment on painting ceilings.

I hate painting ceilings.

First you gotta take the roof off. So you hire out a couple of contractors, a crane, and of course a crane operator. Then, because you're too busy to manage this all yourself, you grab a foreman from someplace and give him the job.

So now the roof's off, and you've got no place to put it. So you suggest setting it down on the tree over there -- it's quite large, it might work -- but it turns out the tree wasn't structurally sound, and so now you've got to plan for a sunroof when you eventually put the roof back on.

Then you gotta lift the ceiling out using the same crane. The whole thing comes off in one piece, thank ghod, so that's relatively easy. Then you set it down on the front lawn, turn it over, find the section of the room you want to paint, mark it off, and start. Heaven forfend you want anything other than just a base color, because then it means detail work, and you had better have an artist that's 1) on standby, 2) in the mood to paint, and 3) fast. After all, your lawn is underneath the ceiling now, so you've got to take it off in a couple of days otherwise you'll have to call in a landscaper as well.

Once the artist says he's finally done, it's of course two weeks later and stormclouds are on the horizon. So on goes the ceiling, and on goes the roof -- and whoops, forgot about the sunroof addition. So off comes the roof, and the ceiling, and the workers start pounding a hole in what they hope is the right location. Then, just when you're about to put the ceiling back on, the workers quit for the day.

Then the rains come.

You had seen the rains were going to come, you tried to cover everything up in tarp and the like, but even tarp only goes so far. So now your carpets are ruined, your ceiling is still out on the lawn, and you have yet to call the landscaper about a new lawn.

On the other hand, though, your roof has never looked better.

---
pieceoftheuniverse - who never wants to go through that again -- that's why I live in an apartment now...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: You you you MERKINS you.
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 00:32:04 -0700

On Sun, 20 Aug 2000 05:11:50 GMT, a group of spinning monkeys claiming to be
Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> TechnoAtheist said:
>; See, now there's the first mistake an amateur *WOULD* make. A true professional would realize that you never want to disassemble the house to do something trivial like paint the ceiling. In fact, it's just plain silly.
>;
>; It's far easier to just rotate the house ninety degrees.
>
>So, do you point what is currently the North wall to East, or West?
>And how does this make it easier to paint what's above you?

I knew someone was bound to ask this question. The trick is to turn the house so that the windows face west (so you get proper ventilation). You then open the can of paint, set it in the middle of the room and let the planet's centrifugal force draw it toward the ceiling. Obviously, the closer you are to the equator, the easier it is.

Folks in Canada may have to lean the can slightly.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: You you you MERKINS you.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 16:21:31 -0700

"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" suggested:
> Freyja wrote:
> >Come concentrate in bed.
> Just add water?

Leave it to rhod to come up with a new definition of "wet spot."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Questions Concerning the Oracle
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 17:43:09 -0400

Otis Viles wrote:
> rec.humor.oracle.d
> ==================
> In theory, a discussion group for the Oracle and the Digests. In practice, this is Arkham Asylum.

And just you wait, when we get out of here, BATMAN'S GONNA PAY!!

JIM, nice to see you, Otis...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Answers that make you go "WTF?"
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 16:28:35 -0400

pieceoftheuniverse declared:
} So I'm looking through the archived digests, hoping that sooner or later inspiration will strike my brain and I can answer a particularly interesting question that the Oracle has deigned to send me, and I come across this gem:
} ---- 639-06--Scored: 3.0---------------------------------------
} Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm.gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

[snip]

} Now it looks interesting, I'll admit, but I have no idea what it means. The only thing I can think of would be a very old game I used to own called RobotWars, where you could create little bots and send them up against each other, but that's a bit obscure.

Nothing is too obscure for the Internet Oracle!

} Anyone?

Well, in reality what you have here are a collection of Kythrgian pictograms, although why Orrie should choose to respond with them is anybody's guess. Since Kythrgian is possibly *the* most obscure dead language on Earth, he probably did it just because he could.

Fortunately students of solid state physics in Canada are required to study Kythrgian. (Don't ask why, if I told you you'd probably never sleep again, at least if you lived north of, oh, the 33rd parallel or so.)

I will translate:

} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:

} > q
} > q

This is a pair of q's. Nothing clever here. The Kythrgian is all in the answer. Actually, the incarnation did pretty good at rendering it in ASCII. Traditionally these characters are inscribed on wet clay with a specially beveled knife, allowing for far more range of line-widths and character shapes. But no matter.

} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } ----------
} } |q        |
} } |q       .+
} } |         |
} } ----------

"Sweet and sour pork dumplings."
It looks like it's shaping up to be a menu.

} } ----------
} } | q      |
} } | q    . +
} } |        |
} } ----------

"Fat old woman with a purple hat."
Heh. A clever reference to a rather bad joke in which the former pictogram is punned on the latter. Interestingly, the Kythrgians didn't use purple dyes at all, but only learned of them from their Macedonian conquerers.

} } ----------
} } |  q     |
} } |  q --. +
} } |        |
} } ----------

"Prostitute in a purple dress."
Notice how the transposition of the klishma (represented by the two q's) changes "fat old woman" into "prostitute".

} } ----------
} } |**q**   |
} } |**q** . +
} } |*****   |
} } ----------

"River in flood."
The English translation loses much of the subtlety. This is the pictogram used to describe the Tigris in the spring, when it is muddy. Different pictograms are used for the Euphrates, clear water, and floods in other seasons. This pictogram has also been seen in contexts where it clearly means "erection".

} } ----------
} } | (  /   |
} } |$ !?  . +
} } | = $    |
} } ----------

"Temple gardens." or possibly "Extra starch."
The punctation of course is a completely inadequate rendering of the inner detail, hence the confusion. The ziggurats in Kythrga were all surrounded by lush gardens. This pictogram is also used as a poetic euphemism for the feamale genetalia. Given the last two pictograms this is probably what Orrie was going for - making the answer a reference to an old joke followed by a dirty Kythrgian haiku. If the other (the Kythrgians had the most sophisticated public laundry system of the ancient world), then it would read like a list of non-sequiters.

Overall, not a hilarious answer, but who knows, maybe the Kythrgians would have liked it.

---------`   ---------^
|      _|    | ^o   \|
| /\/\|     ;|     _ |
|     |      |=======|
------- o    ---------

(translation: HTH, HAND)

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Request for strange photos
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 10:52:40 -0700

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Ed Chauvin IV said:
>; >; Get a bunch of tubas and have a tuba legation?
>; >There once was an automotive columnist for the Boston Globe who measured trunk space by how many tubas he can fit in it.
>; And this was useful to his readers in what way?
>BTSOOM. But I suppose it has the same relevance as stating the size in terms of a steamer trunk.
>; Oh, I see. He was using tubas as a euphemism for 'bodies'. That's far more useful, and the same criteria I use when shopping for a new car. For example, my new Sentra can hold 3 bodies^Wtubas without trouble. Of course, if I let down the back seats I could put 4 bo^Wtubas in the trunk. Although, I might then need a blanket to cover the feet.
>I have a new Protege. How many do you think I can fit in mine?

So, Mr. Atheist, what can I do to close this deal?

Well, this new Maxima is nice, but I do have one concern....

What? Is it the mileage? the interior, the keyring?

No, no, they're all swell. It's just that some weekends I help a friend out by hauling mannekins around. She's an artist and makes these beautiful dioramas. Did you see the one she did at Filoli gardens? No? Too bad, it was spectacular.
She did some work for a website I put together, great stuff. Anyway, she's still kinda struggling. She's got about twelve that she likes to use. She's got this beat up old datsun truck that she drives around in and she carries the props and costumes, that leaves me with the mannequins.

What about one of our brand new X-Terras,

Nah, I hate SUVs, and it's not every day that I can help out. Say, the mannequins are about your size, would you mind kinda folding up into the trunk? Great!

Hmm, looks like I could get one or two more in there, but I'm not sure...

I know, could you ask those two gentlemen standing over there? Thanks!

Wow, you all do fit, but it looks tight, here let me close the trunk lid just to see..

*CLUMPF*

<muffled>
Mr. Atheist?
</muffled>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Smiley Spam
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 23 Aug 2000 20:38:03 -0700

pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Yes, you read that correctly.
>There are pages and pages of this stuff, but I figured I might as well just send this out to the rhod masses: http://www.justsaywow.com/smile.htm
>---
>pieceoftheuniverse - and the voice "singing" in the background just sounds downright -maniacal-... a smiley gone mad!

Ok, annoying "Hampster Dance" music? Check.
Insipid animations? Check.
Request "to brighten someone's day" spam them? Check.
Pop-up windows when you close the main window? Check, check, check, check.
Request to spam you too! (why should just your ex-friends have fun?) Check.

Let me add the score...

Uhm-hmm. Ah! Good news. You rate a full degloving with a dull pocket knife by a blind furrier with a penchant to eat salted peanuts.

He'll stop by later.



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