Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

2000 12 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Severe Winter Weather Advisory for Atlanta
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 00:48:08 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Robot Karate Man wrote:
>> Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> >I awoke this morning to discover that my pickemuptruck is BURIED beneath almost a half inch of snow.
>> ?????
>> You're kidding, right?
>> A half-inch?!?!
>> I woke up this morning to find my car was buried under a FOOT of snow! And burmed in thanks to the damn plow-guy on top of that!
>How much snow do you get per year? I'm curious which one of us gets more.

Look, how many times do I have to tell you? It's QUALITY, not QUANTITY.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Severe Winter Weather Advisory for Atlanta
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 19 Dec 2000 19:07:50 GMT

Robot Karate Man <HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net> said:
>You're kidding, right? A half-inch?!?!

Oh sure...you just wanted to be the one *saying* that for a change.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies swim in a cold river


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Auntie Ora?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000 18:12:03 GMT

Comrade "Jon Wilson" <j.p.wilson.bath.ac.uk> wrote:
> If only all the queue drainers were that funny

Or queue flooders... anyone else get a metric buttload of null questions recently?

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Auntie Ora?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000 21:56:41 -0600

On Sat, 23 Dec 2000, Otis Viles wrote:
} Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
} >And Cassandra was the prophetess who was cursed by Apollo that she would always speak the truth and never be believed. Not sure why they used "Cassidy" instead, as she could have been Cassie either way.
} OK, now that you mention Cassandra by name, it makes sense. I didn't remember Cassandra until you mentioned her.

Hop along Cassandra? I doan geddit.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Free Oracle clone
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 13:40:51 -0000

MonsterRavingLoony wrote:
>Anyone interested in building a Free (speech, not to mention beer) clone of Oracle databases called GNO (GNO is Not Oracle)?

[the Satellite of Love. Mike enters. Tom and Crow are deep in conversation next to what appears to be a giant microwave oven]

Crow: So basically what you're saying is that the needs of most of Scotland have been met by applied genetics.

Tom: Exactly! And not only Scotland, several large, midwestern states and parts of Canada as well!

Mike: What are you guys talking about?

Crow: Cloning sheep.

Mike: Ah, that would explain why there are dozens of identical sheep all over the SOL. But wouldn't cloning wheat produce a larger food supply and better meet the global needs?

Crow: Um, Mike, when I said "needs" what I meant was...

Tom: I think this is a good time for a commercial break.

[commercials. SciFi pillages old dead authors for cheesy shows with big-breasted babes]

[reverse door sequence]

Crow: So explain to me again how sheep's bladders can be used to prevent birth defects?

Tom: No time for that. Dr. Hans and Maximillian are calling.

[Mike slaps the button]

Mike: Hello sirs, what's shakin' with your bakin'?

[Tom and Crow look at him]

Tom: Shakin' with your bakin'?

Mike: Well, I was going for a Shake'n'Bake pun but it didn't come out right.

[a fake sheep hops across the backdrop, followed by two others exactly like it]

Dr. Forrester: Well, Sailor Boob and Boobettes, I can see by the Dollies behind you that you've been playing with genetics again.

Tom: That's part of our invention exchange.

Crow: That's right! And there's nothing immoral, indecent, or illegal about it! Tell him Mike.

Mike: Ok, how many times has your girlfriend just up and left you for something silly like you slept with her sister?

Crow: Um... Mike... I uh...

Mike: Well fret not because with the new "Jiffy Clone" ...

[Mike lifts up what appears to be a giant foil frying pan]

Mike: You can have a brand-new girlfriend in just 30 seconds!

[Mike puts the "Jiffy Clone" into the giant microwave and shuts the door. A few seconds later a bell goes off and Mike opens the door again. Another fake sheep hops out and bounces off-camera.]

Crow: Nice girlfriend, Nelson.

Mike: I thought you guys were supposed to be buying Melissa Joan Hart's spit from that Paul guy on Ebay.

Tom: That's what I was trying to tell you. The guy ended up being some kook who kept trying to get us to buy dead Siamese Fighting Fish that he was keeping in his freezer. So I cloned the only thing we had available.

Mike: Last night's dinner?

Crow & Mike: Ew...

[D13]

Dr. Forrester: Well, my extra-chromosomal caged monkeys, Frank and I were thinking along similar lines. But instead of pre-packaged, generic clones, we came up with this. Frank? Show them.

[Frank holds up a hairbrush.]

[SOL]

Crow: You're cloning Vidal Sassoon?

[D13]

Dr. Forrester: No, you morons. This little baby here is the Gene Master 5000. Simply place it on the nightstand of the unwitting gene donor of your choice, and after a swipe or two through the hair...

[Forrester starts to brush his hair, thinks better of it, and swipes the brush through Frank's hair.]

Frank: Ow! You brush too hard! Like my mom used to. Mom... oh Frank's been a dirty naughty boy!

[Forrester holds up the brush and a green light turns on with a small "beep!"]

Forrester: There. The Gene Master 5000 has sifted through the hair and skin cells and found the most viable strands of DNA for cloning. It stores them in this sealed, cooled compartment for later use.

[SOL]

Mike: Oh well, so much for a Kojak 2.

Tom [chuckling]: Good one, Mike.

[D13]

Forrester: That's right, Nelson, keep laughing. But when I tell you that we've secretly tested this baby on none other than the Internet Oracle himself, you won't be laughing anymore funnyboy!

[SOL]

Tom: Clone the Oracle?

Mike: Can he do that?

Crow: Isn't that like "cloning" Eudora?

Tom & Mike: Ssshhh! You'll ruin the illusion!

[D13]

Dr. Forrester [looking at his watch]: Well, we've been brewing up a batch of Orrie for just this occasion and it looks... like... 3... 2... 1...

[a bell dings in the background]

Dr. Forrester: With my own sans-pareil sabe added to the omniscience of the Internet Oracle, I will be completely unstoppable. Frank? The door, if you please.

[Frank walks over to what appears to be a casket with wires and lights all over it. He opens the door, and a shortish fellow steps out. Dr. Forrester smiles at the camera smugly before turning to greet him.]

Dr. Forrester: Ah, the Internet Oracle I presume.

Oracle: Um... ... ... what? Oh, yeah! That's me. Sure.

Dr. Forrester [facing the camera again]: Well then, my lofty lab-rats, would you like to ask him a question?

[SOL]

Crow: Why does T.V. suck?

Tom: Why aren't I wearing pants?

Mike: What's the worst episode of "the Simpsons" ever?

Crow & Tom: Ooh, good one.

[D13 - Dr. Forrester stands, arms akimbo, smiling]

Oracle: Um... the... um... the one where... um... Bobby... er... I mean... O.J. ... er... that is... ... um... snuh?

Dr. Forrester: What the? This isn't the Oracle! Frank! Did you make *sure* the brush was on his table like I told you?

Frank: Well, I gave it to Kendai and he said he'd give it too...

Dr. Forrester: Oh for the love of Richard Feynman. If you want something done right you've got to create mindless robot slaves to do it exactly as you instruct. Take Kendai here down to the ration-packing center, they'll know what to do with him.

[SOL - Mike, bug-eyed, looks up from the MRE he's eating. He quickly ducks under the counter and the sounds of retching echo through the room. Crow and Tom lean over to watch.]

[D13]

Dr. Forrester: Well, Manny, Moe, and Yack, today's experiment is a vicious little piece of doody about the dangers of un-restricted cloning starring Michael Keaton. It's called "Multiplicity"...

[SOL]

All: Nooooooooooooooo!!! Anything but that!

Tom: We'll watch *anything* else besides that! Make us watch "Johnny Dangerously" instead!

Crow: Or even "Batman"!

Mike: Or "Nightshift"!

Tom: Well I wouldn't go that far, Mike.

Crow: Yeah, even I have my limits...

Mike: We've got movie sign!!!

[Mike & the bots split. Pan down the hallway... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[fade to ~Steve-o sig]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Humor Writing
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 00:48:47 +0000

GW De Lacey schrieb:
>I wonder where I put that can of anti-graffiti spray?

You mean the one that writes nice messages of peace and unity in clear, easy-to-read serif fonts, in small point sizes, on walls?

>GW De Lacey... or the capsicum spray, for that matter?

Come on, who'd want to draw capsicums on the walls?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Humor Writing
From: Jim Menard <jimm.fnord.io.com>
Date: 27 Dec 2000 14:13:38 -0600

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> writes:
> Screwtape wrote:
> > ...Obscure Reference of the day: "Spanish guitar, and introducing Acoustic Guitar!"
> sloogufv woukh dow gunuga wouf
> sloogufv woukh dow gunnowh

Yes, trips to the dentist are a pain. Don't worry, it will wear off in a few hours.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Humor Writing
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Dec 2000 22:18:42 GMT

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> said:
> 'Richard Fitzpatrick' wrote:
>>GW De Lacey wrote ...
>>> 'Fierce Cookie' wrote:
>>>>GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> wrote:
>>>>>Heh - well it made my night. Well done.
>>>>I'm really not sure how to take this, that I "made your night." I'm really not that kind of fellow, NNWWSNM.
>>>I've read the rumours about sheep though, and am beginning to wonder, like that Shakespearean character (12:30am and brain cells are toast) at the vigour of the above protest.
>>>g'night.
>>>[baaas carefully out of the room]
>> ^^^^^
>>This post brought to you in the interests of selective letter replacement
>Damn kids, turn your back for a second...

You're not helping your cause here, GWDL.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't even need to selectively-edit


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Humor Writing
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2000 08:13:51 +1100

Fierce Cookie wrote:
>"CourseBridge" <info.coursebridge.com> wrote:
>>WWW.COURSEBRIDGE.COM
>>CourseBridge - offering a wide variety of quality, fairly priced online courses for personal and professional enhancement.
>>View our course catalogue and register for one of our many general interest courses today! Our next session begins January 15th 2001.
>>Humor Writing:

8-<snip>-8

>SPECIAL DISCOUNT TODAY ONLY FOR MEMBERS OF THE QUEUE CONTINUUM!
>(Sorry, my "Must...resist...irresistable...chance...to...poke... fun...at...you...guys..." filter was broken.)

Drat, that's what I did wrong. I took CourseBridge's "Wit" course, not the "Humor" one.

Of course, I only took half of it...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: MISTLETOE =>
From: latebird.usa.net (Wikkit)
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 00:05:05 -0600

jevans.physics.uottawa.ca wrote:
>-Comrade Sara M wrote:
>-> X!
>-*blush*
>- JIM

No, that red facial coloring is a viral agent I've been spreading around Usenet. I reccomend you wash your face in HF asap, it's the only way to stop it...

Hey, I only posted it to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.sheep, how did you come in contact with i... oh, never mind.

Ben, !nice right before x-mas, crazy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: MISTLETOE =>
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 17:23:47 +1100

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> >X!
> Wow, you X really good.

And - <zap> - you make a *lovely* frog. <g>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SL 1196-10...
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Mon, 25 Dec 2000 21:46:15 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>however Richard is just about to go and eat prawns and crayfish by the pool.

ITYM "poolful."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: and to all a good night...
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 18:20:47 -0600

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote, among other things:
>Cici in Texas wrote ...
>> Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>>>Just wanted to wish the Rhodites here a happy Holiday.
>>>... a big ol' *smootch* to all, I'll still be around here and there but wanted to start the smootching early, you know. :)
>>Never too early! Here, tie some misteltoe in your hair.
>Or tie it around your waist, whichever suits...

Watch it, buster, or I'll tie a sprig of misteltoe into the bow of my apron strings.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: and to all a good night...
From: Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 07:14:05 -0000

Chris Wesling wrote
> Screwtape wrote:
> > | "Ano koudai tokage wa Toukyou o marobasu yo! Aieeeee!"
> I can't rot13 this one, either. What's going on around here?

Here, I'll do it for you:
"Nab xbhqnv gbxntr jn Gbhxlbh b znebonfh lb! Nvrrrrr!"
Albanian, obviously.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Epistletoe
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Dec 2000 22:20:27 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> Daniel E. Macks said:
>; >His name is Robert Paulson.
>; >His name is Robert Paulson.
>; >His name is Robert Paulson.
>; Given that this ended up getting AHBOUed, I'll have to take it on faith that it is actually funny.
>What does that have to do with anything? Half the stuff in there isn't funny, yet they never approve anything I submit.

P'raps you're submitting stuff that's too funny?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder whom else notices any similarities


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: No more questions?
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Sun, 24 Dec 2000 07:45:05 -0000

Fierce Cookie wrote:
>> but I always feel so cheap and dirty when I do.
>You say that like it's a bad thing.

Depends on who else is involved. When I'm incarnating by myself, I feel cheapened. When I'm incarnating with someone else then an Askme or two can be kinda kinky, that whole "we're not supposed to do this" rush. And when you're in a group... well... there's nothing finer than group Askmes.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eh?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 25 Dec 2000 21:53:51 GMT

Screwtape <st.ferd2.thristian.org> said:
>Sara M schrieb:
>>Three ask me's in a row just now, and each time I got:
>>"Ha Ha!! I am the Queue Drainer...!
>><FLUSH>
>>Has this happened to anybody else...?
>Well, it's not happened to me, though I've heard weary tales of those to whom it *has* happened, but I'd just like to be the first to point out that the Clueless Supplicant (i.e. the one that's not EGK) is particularly clueless, since *filling* the queue over and over is not, technically, "draining" it.

I defy you to point any any post indicating cluefulness on the part of a Queueueueueueueueueueue-Drainer.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are off to catch a movie and then have Chinese carry-out


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: <PUNCH>!
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 14:39:10 +1100

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> >Donald Welsh wrote:
> >> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >> >Fierce Cookie wrote:
> >> >> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >> >> OOOOF!
> >> >> >Well - it *is* Boxing Day
> >> >> >Yes yes - I know...
> >> >> ><vrooooooooooooooooooom!>
> >> >> ...in bed.
> >> >No no no - vrooooooming in bed is bad -
> >> >"Dangerous Curve Ahead"
> >> >"Slippery When Wet"
> >> >"Yield"
> >> >"Steep Descent"
> >> >"Hump"
> >> >"Danger - Soft Shoulders"
> >> >"Red Light Camera In Use"
> >> >And that's just what Viki's got on the *bedhead*
> >> So tell me, where does she have the sign, "If you can read this, you're too close"?
> >On her trunk?
>
> Nah, it's on her Fallop-<***KAPOW!!!**>

Ovary funny. Har har.

Sigh - sometimes men have *such* a cock-eyed view of the world....


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Looking for incarnation (credit where credit is due)
From: drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles)
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 23:59:07 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>May I remind you that the Answer is only one part of the thing? Without the Question, there is no answer. I think supplicants can SL as well as Incarnations. Given a decent waiting period to see if it gets digested first, of course.

Precisely. Neither party should SL here until both parties agree that a sufficient waiting period has passed. The Priesthood will leave it up to the Supplicant and Incarnation to contact each other and work out the details of how long is sufficient.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Looking for incarnation (credit where credit is due)
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 04:50:14 -0000

Fierce Cookie wrote:
>You truly have a dizzying intellect.

I'd make a scathing, witty, sarcastic comment that would just leave you stinging in shame... unfortunately I can't think of one at the moment... but you just wait! As soon as I do I'm resurrecting this thread! You just watch!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Looking for incarnation (credit where credit is due)
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 16:30:26 -0600

Wikkit wrote:
} don't expect to leave the theater with anything more than a bit less cash and sticky shoes.

I didn't know you could get that kind of service at the theatre.

Come to think of it[1], ticket prices do seem a little high lately for just seeing a movie.

[1] Ooh, you lot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: SL 1196-10...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 30 Dec 2000 01:21:06 +1100

Screwtape wrote:
> Tim Chew schrieb:
> >Trog <trog.delete]zoom.co.uk> wrote:
> >> Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> >>> Robot Karate Man wrote ...
> >>> >Er... wrong thread Richard.
> >>> Drat. Sorry. Next thing I'll be getting the Tims mixed up... again.
> >>Screwed up, shirley? ... and you can be sure you'd get chewed off for that.
> >as long as its allen the family.
> Bit wrenching to see yer name bandied about in public like that.

See? If only you'd stuck with "Time Alien" instead of that stupid Earthman name *none* of this would have happened.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Brides: What not to wear at your wedding
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 16:20:02 GMT

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:

>Reminds me of a friend who was a huge karaoke fan. She had a beautiful voice. Only problem was she sang half a semitone sharp on the high notes and flat on the low notes.

That problem can be corrected with the judicious use of a cattle prod.

Well, maybe not corrected, but at least enjoyed to its fullest.

>Our relationship was fiery,

"Doc, why's it burn when I go baffroom?"

>passionate

"Tastes great!"
"Less filling!"
"Tastes great!"
"Less filling!"
"Tastes great!"
"Less filling!"
"That's it! I can't stand you anymore, you twit."
"Good riddance, you putrid sack of putrescence."

>and fleeting.

My, my, you ARE kinky.

>We are still good friends. She is married to her band leader. Go Figure.

That ain't workin'.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Dec 2000 01:13:02 GMT

Overdose Underpants <elric.yourpants.rm-r.net> said:
>"Fierce Cookie" wrote:
>> You have a marvelously logical way of looking at the world. Which means, of course, your appearance here in rhod remains totally unexplained.
>Oh, just on my way to the loo, stopped in for a quick bite. Which brings up my question - what's the etymology of the word "loo", then?

Come here, lad, *patpat* and lemme explain a thing or two about a thing or two to you. You see, back in the olden days, people didn't have indoor toilets, which is a good thing because they didn't have plumbing either. They had these things called "out-houses", which are kinda like an indoor bathroom except it's outside (well it's inside a small shack, but not inside the house) and instead of a flushable toilet there was just a seat with a hole in it over a hole in the ground. In this manner, one could sit and think and shit and stink (and scratch your balls and read the bullshit on the walls, yeah yeah, I know) and not bother the other members of one's household. Now there were no lights in these outhouse-thingies, on account of there being no electricity and most adults not as excited about lighting farts as one might expect. And furthermore, there were no doorbells. But there was a door (otherwise one may as well just squat against a fence (make sure it's not barbed-wire (unless you're DMP) (at least electric fences didn't exist))). Now where was I? Oh right, I was on my way to the outhouse. But I don't want to just barge in and possibly sit on some crapping-dude's lap (say, what smells like shoe-polish?) I would want to find out if in fact there is a crapping-dude in there or not. Now one might consider knocking, but considering the construction quality of such structures (they were usually made of wood, and therefore *not* built like a brick shithouse) and the fact that they creaked a lot in the wind, a knock might very well be ignored (perhaps the outhouse just needs a tune-up?) leading to the above lap problem, or may very well knock the whole thing over. This would be bad. Needless to say, one must do something else in order to ascertain the crapping-dude-itude of one's chosen outhouse. And one might not have much time to think of something, having just woken up, walked up hill in the snow (same as on the way back to the house-house...odd, that) and badly having to take a truely massive massive. So the custom was just to yell "hello". Simple, doesn't sound like a typical outhouse sound, and doesn't risk destruction of the outhouse before you get to use it. Now if the outhouse is in use, the occupant will hear the distinctive sound of "hello" and respond with something between "just a moment" to "I'll be a while" to "oh god *hub-lehhhhh* I'm *never* going to drink that much again". Any of these responses (different ones due to regional variations) would indicate that the outhouse is in use. But if there's nobody in, the sound merely echoes around the hole in the ground, leading to the distinctive "helloo...loo...loo... loo..." sound of an available restroom.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies will get 'im 'is 'at


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Dec 2000 00:11:36 -0800

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Julianna Avedon wrote ...
>> GW De Lacey wrote:
>>> 'Wikkit' wrote:
>>>>See, that's what you get for hanging around rhod. Now you've found out our secret: we can be funny if and only if we choose what to be funny about. Dan wouldn't have gotten an etymology of 'loo' supplication in a million askmes, and it's harder than hell to integrate a funny essay into a tellme.
>>>Shhh...
>>>Don't you see? The plan is working...
>>>First we lure one of them over to the Dark Side. Then, when we are sure she is ours...
>>*BwaaaHaha..* My plan to infiltrate the Dark Side as a mole for the forces of Good and Light(TM) is working....
>Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.....
>Our plan to get one of ours to act as one of them and be a mole to infiltrate as a triple agent into us and back into them again and then around the back of the bike-shed is... ummm, where was I?

Sitting in an ill-lit room, wafting of stale cigarette smoke and cheap scotch, sporting two day's growth of beard[1]...only moments from handing me the encryption key to all the codes currently used by the Dark Side.

Julsy

[1] Don't tell me anything about scotch with a two day's growth of beard. It's too easy.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sat, 30 Dec 2000 15:28:33 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Julianna Avedon schrieb:
>>*BwaaaHaha..* My plan to infiltrate the Dark Side as a mole for the forces of Good and Light(TM) is working....
>Hang on, I thought *we* were the forces of Good and Light. Have I been puttin' me cardy-gan on inside out again?

EVERYBODY thinks he's on the side of the forces of Good and Light, regardless of which side he's on. Did Adolf Hitler think he was evil? Nope. How about Idi Amin? He thought he was so purely, perfectly good that he should have the freshest, tenderest babies served to him for dinner, that's how good he thought he was. So even if you're evil, you think you're good. And of course if you're good, you also think you're good. But now since you've read this, if you think you're good, maybe you'll just doubt it a bit and wonder if you're really evil and just THINK you're good. The question this raises then, is if you think you're good but you're really evil, does that mean that what you think is evil is really good, and you should go out and do some "evil" to bring some actual good into the world and your life? Tough call, since you're either evil or good, but you can't be sure which. And of course, if you're actually good and doubt yourself to the point where you switch over to evil, then you've become evil...but you've convinced yourself that you're actually good. Case in point: the "Reagan Democrats" who became the "Clinton Republicans" who all moved to Florida and forgot how to read their voting instructions and voted for Ralph Nader (if they supported George W) or Pat Buchanon (if they supported Al Gore) or Harry Brown (if they supported Ralph Nader). So this is the actual ultimate solution to the conundrum: evil eventually turns stupid. So if you turn out to be truly, undeniably, terribly stupid, then you can rest assured that you are evil.
Of course, nobody REALLY believes he is stupid...

(Bwahahaha, my work here is done.)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
Date: Sat, 30 Dec 2000 10:21:03 -0800

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> GW De Lacey said:
>; >See, that's what you get for hanging around rhod. Now you've found out our secret: we can be funny if and only if we choose what to be funny about. Dan wouldn't have gotten an etymology of 'loo' supplication in a million askmes, and it's harder than hell to integrate a funny essay into a tellme.
>; Shhh...
>; Don't you see? The plan is working...
>; First we lure one of them over to the Dark Side. Then, when we are sure she is ours...
>;
>; --
>; GW De Lacey ...we strike.
>
>But only if sanctioned by the union, of course.

Sanctioned...? Union...? Holy shiitakes! Did you just marry me to GW?!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 09:56:18 +1100

'Julianna Avedon' wrote:
>Sanctioned...? Union...? Holy shiitakes! Did you just marry me to GW?!!

The sound of early morning traffic penetrated the fog. Somewhere close by, a man and woman were arguing. A sudden sound of crashing glass, the noise threatened to split my head open. I slowly opened one eye, then the other. It was still dark. The pulsing red of a neon light through the flimsy curtain hinted at the dingy little hotel room.

I felt something on one of the fingers of my left hand. I looked at it, concentrating. Gradually my eyes came into focus. A cheap gold plated ring. Strange...

I needed a cigarette.

I reached across the bed. My hand landed on a warm body beside me. A broad, not too bad either. Her left hand wore a copy of the ring I was wearing.

I found the cigarettes, and lit my first.

My mouth felt like I had drowned in a sewage pond. I sat up and tried to gather my thoughts. Slowly, it all came back to me. The Italian restaurant, too much cheap wine, the walk to get some fresh air, the kissing, the mad dash in the rain to the sleazy registry office.

I picked up my wallet, put on my jacket, and quietly opened the door. I turned to look at the still sleeping figure. Another time, another place...

I shook my head.

The door clicked closed. I walked quickly down the corridor.

From: Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com>
At the end of the corridor was a stairwell, and there, blocking the stairwell was probably the largest man ever to draw breath. He wore a black pinstriped suit of the sort favoured by mobsters. A combination of his size and the dark suit eliminated even trace light from the stairwell. Three other large men in pinstriped suits appeared to have been sucked into his gravitational field.

"Heh. Lookie dere boyz. It's dat little weasel boy wit da Frenchie name what's been seen canoodlin' wit our baby sister."

My God! Some scientist of unsurpassing brilliance had taught a mountain to speak. I began forming the words of a response when one of the satellites spoke: "Rocco here got some reports you were out on the town last night with our little Juls. We just want to make sure your intenshuns is ... honourable." He cracked his knuckles ominously as he spoke.

"Well,.... I....erm..." words were failing me, but I was certain I could pull out the necessary phrases given time.

"Hey! Wait just a minut dere! -Guido, Vinnie, - come over here. Take a look at what da little Frenchie weasel boy wrote. It says here dat dey had "too much cheap wine," den dere was "the walk to get some fresh air, the kissing, the mad dash in the rain to the sleazy registry office."

"You boyz tinkin' what I'm tinkin'? he asked.

"You bet, Rocco. I read ya," nodded the satellite on the right.

"Lefty? You gettin' da same notion here?" Rocco was getting the consensus he sought.

"Fella's..." I began, but the largest one burst past me to the door I had just clicked shut. I was just about to high-tail it down the stairwell and get the hell out of that place when the hulk named Lefty grabbed me and roughly escorted me up the hall in the direction of the door.

"Juls? Hey Juls, dat you?" Rocco asked forcing his way into the room.

"Whuh...?" she replied groggily. One small, pedicured foot poked out from under the coverlet. No other signs of human habitation were present. "Juls? - You in dere?" Rocco asked.

"Yeah..." she seemed to be slowly rolling her way out from under the coverlet. A tussled mop of curly red hair appeared.

"?! Miss Roberts! We do apologise for disturbing you in your sleep. We had some reports dat you might be our little sister, Julsy."

"Ooooh, Rocco." She veritably purred, his name. She knew the behemoth! She wrapped herself elegantly in the tawdry bed covers, and left on Rocco's arm.

Lefty laughed, "We knew it couldna been _our_ little Juls da minute we read your post in dat usenet thingy."

"Yeah," Guido agreed, "It woulda taken an entire team o' Clydesdales to get our Juls to a registry, - even if she was severely enebriated. Ya see what I'm sayin' here?"

"Oh Jeez, and like da real clencher," Vinnie chimed in, "It woulda takin' _3_ entire teams of Clydesdales to get Julsy to drink a cheap red wine."

..."it's like sayin' she would drink a white zinfandel...on purpose... Ferget about it!" They were laughing all the way down the corridor.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Dec 2000 23:37:27 GMT

Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com> said:
> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>>>dan,m whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder where one finds an infinite supply of banananananananans
>>Looks like somebody forgot how to stop spelling bananananananananananananananananananananananas.
>Ooooh, lookie, Dan, *his* banana is _much_ bigger than yours.

'cept with something that limp, it's a wonder nobody's tried to make banana bread out of it.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies offer Julsy a blender


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 04:38:25 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>>Julianna Avedon <SOteric2.sendnospam.msn.com> said:
>>>Yes, you were making a joke, but the butt of your joke was, in essence, that I [...] by virtue of being in the priesthood, wouldn't know you folks were capable of humour.
>>Dude...it's like...the Priests are just like us...but in an entirely reversed universe!
><panicking> So... we're *both* forces of Good and Light, but in opposite ways? </panicking>
>Screwtape,
>...thanks a bunch, FC, now my powerful brane is blowed isself up.

Ahh. Without your powerful brane, you are stupid, and therefore evil.

[Emperor Palpatine cackle-laugh] Gooooooood!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Quality, not quantity
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 05:12:33 -0600

HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man) wrote:
>Once again, it's time for "That NG is better than ours!" With your host, Robot Karate Man!
>Thank you, thank you! The quality of pointless and factless debates has totally slacked off here, we've... dare I say it... gotten on topic! And where's the lunacy? To that end, I drag over a pointless delusional from another group and offer it as an example of what true idiocy is. Let's do better people!

Butbutbut . . . I can't find any better people to do!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: A toast
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 14:14:36 -0800

*Ping*ping*ping*...

*Ahem*

We stand astride the threshold of the new milleniumeinumiumm. Some stand within and other have passed out.

The new year is wide open before us. Briefly, we behold it in it's glory now before it gets embarrassed and pulls it's zipper back up. It is a year full of promise, a blank slate to scrawl upon, a tableau to lend our wit to before we sign it with someone else's name and let them catch hell about it.

The past is behind us all now, well, most of us, aw heck, I can never figure out that whole date/timezone/being ahead by a day thing and still have this vague feeling that the folks living in Australia have jetpacks and hovercars already while we still have to wait for them.

This past year has been one of mixed emotions for all of us. We failed to descend into chaos in January when we swore that all of the computers would revolt. Of course some, like myself, refuse to remove the big metal spikes from our cars and stop dressing in mismatched body armor despite that minor setback (sure, I get curious looks, but my commutes have become significantly more entertaining). Likewise, we failed to discover any large black monoliths on the surface of the moon, which means that although we can't look forward to Jupiter going nova in ten years, we have only ourselves to blame for being where we are as a species.

None of that's truly important right now. Now is the time of brotherhood^Wsisterhood^Wsiblinghood^W when we realize that we're a bunch of hoods and lay aside the petty squabbles of the past year for a new set.

To the Priests, Thank you. You do a job that few of us could tolerate doing without random outbursts of small arms fire.

To the members of RHOD, Thank you. You take the time and effort to actually read and follow the guidelines to make your questions and answers funnier for all. Well, those of you that do sup's and inc's. The those that don't... *snicker*.

To the anonymous posters, Thank you. You give us something to strive to be much, much better than.

To the QC, you're a bunch of sick, twisted, eeevil bastards that have sown chaos and sparked a near civil war because of a silly prank. I could not be prouder to be counted in your ranks.

To the newly freed denizens of my killfile, you've got another chance.

To all those that have me in their killfile, I raise a finger, but to all the rest, I raise some gas^W^W a glass and say:

To 2001, may we all not bugger it up like we did 2000 but when we do, may we be damn funny about it.

Thank you, thank you. I'll go unlock the bathroom now.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 31 Dec 2000 17:12:29 -0800

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au> wrote:
>Jason Willoughby wrote in message ...
>>GW De Lacey wrote:
>>> 'Richard Fitzpatrick' wrote:
>>>>Welcome to the real millennium you bunch of sad geeks and reprobates - I love you all.
>>> AOL
>>FY,YFF. I have seven more hours before I get all drunk and maudlin, and I plan on enjoying them.
>Hope you have as much fun with your jetpack and wrist-mounted, small-screen HDTV as I am.

Dammit! Now this is exactly what I was talking about!!


I bet that by the time it's midnight here they'll be all out of that stuff and I won't get mine.


Sure, you all smug with your matter replicators and hovercars.


right bloody selfish bastards if you ask me...



Main menu 2