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2000 12 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Nov 2000 23:10:39 GMT

Stimpy JC <Stimpy.SPAM.wgt.org.uk> said:
>Gordol wrote...
>> princesslookie.my-deja.com said:
>> ; > > I'm sorry, I don't understand, I'm me. Not someone else.
>> ; > hey! I'M me!
>> ; > COPPER! this man's stolen my identity!
>> ; damn, someone's said that already. boy, do i feel foolish.
>> Lean this way, so I can check to see if you feel foolish...
>No, I'm sorry, I must defend her honour, and you from a possible court case.

Honor, offer, honor, offer...whatever.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies work on Thursday


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 20:46:09 GMT

Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> Cici in Texas said:
>; >; >I've got the oregano, who's got the A-1?
>; >; No, no, no. A-1 is much too strong. He hasn't hung around here long enough to have that much flavor. We need something a lot lighter and sweeter, like a Hawaiian style bbq glaze.
>; >Honey/pinapple sauce! Of course!
>; Oh, yuck. Canned pineapple? I can't be doing with that. It's either fresh pineapple or we leave it out altogether, your choice.
>Fresh, of course. Canned food should only be used in case of emergencies.

If only those poor lost souls on the Titanic had known that:

Watchman1: Holy cow! Look at that huge piece of ice!

Watchman2: Quick! Hand me that can of pineapple.

Watchman1: What? The Del Monte?

Watchman2: Yes, dammit, and be quick about it!

Watchman1: Okay, here.

Watchman2: Right. Here it goes...

*toss*

SFX: *DINK*

Watchman1: Where'd it go?

Watchman2: Where'd what go?

Watchman1: The big piece of ice that was looming off our starboard bows, that's what.

Watchman2: Oh that. I thought you were asking after the can of pineapple, and I knew you saw me toss it, so I thought you'd gone daft.

Watchman1: Right. So where'd it go. The huge piece of ice, I mean.

Watchman2: It's gone.

Watchman1: Gone where?

Watchman2: I'm not sure, but I read somewhere that canned goods were good to have around in case of emergency.

Watchman1: Wow. You never know what you'll learn in the crow's nest. Should I ring the bell now?

Watchman2: Nah. You'll wake the captain.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 2000 14:30:01 +0000

Sara M schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Jim Evans schrieb:
>> >There can only be one.
>> Do you have "JIM" on your business cards, too?
>No no no - you're TIM - not JIM.
>Remember...?

That may well account for the puzzled looks I get when introducing myself as Tim Allen and handing out business cards labeled "JIM Evans, professional student physicist". I guess it would be a lot better for my public image if I just owned up to being a chief Satanic bureaucrat in the first place.

Screwtape,
...who'd best return those stolen business cards one day, but they make such *lovely* disposable butter knives.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Dec 2000 17:28:20 -0800

Jeff Zeitlin <jzeitlin.cyburban.com> wrote:
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>"Seeing a friendly fisherman, I walked up and asked him if the larch were biting. From the blank look he returned, I assume he was either the village idiot, or had not the slightest interest in natural history."
>What _is_ a larch, anyway? The town next door to mine seems to think they're a land creature, that stays in hills - the town is named for a hill that they congregate(d) on.

*brrrt*
*brrrt*

Nollman? Do you realize what time it is?

What do you mean you're the town that never sleeps? You're living in a split level ranch!

The town of Nollmanville? Are you serious?

Look, whatever, just keep it down.

Yes I normally DO appreciate the need for a modern infrastructure, but I'd appreciate you not sitting in your car making fire truck noises at three A.M.

What do you mean your larch needed to be rescued?

How can a bloody larch get stuck in a tree?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2000 09:52:11 -0800

Sophie Ambrose quoted me and said stuff like::
> I am now very, very scared.

Well, that was quick.

> > If you mean to work out complex mathematical models mimicking real-world physics demonstrating several values that it would take eons to work out on paper, why not?
> I was assuming you meant a different Sophie Ambrose (Despite the fact that I've only ever heard of two others online, which makes the odds pretty wierd)

Ah, we're all just the same thirty-two people with no apparent lives who have made it our sole purpose to make internet/usenet/chatrooms look like the Next Big Thing.

By an odd coincidence, I actually occupy the upstairs room of your left cerebral cortex, but I've only lived here for a couple years and thus haven't gotten used to the neigbours yet.

> but that _does_ sound like the sort of thing someone who knows me would say.

I never claimed to know you. I implied it, but doesn't everyone know everyone else? After all, a friend is just someone you haven't strangered yet. Or something.

> Well, some of the people who know me anyway. The other ones would just ignore me :)

They're actually secretly stalking you, but I've promised not to tell you that. Don't look behind you!

> > > Sophie Ambrose, creative speller and exclamation mark queen in exile.
> > pieceoftheuniverse - I'll talk to my foreign aide about that; maybe we can grant you asylum.
> Really it's more of an abdication. I began to tire of my unruly subjects, and decided to settle for a minor fiefedom of brackets instead (Though I still like !'s!!)

Brackets are fun. I particularly like <>'s rather than the somewhat more common []'s, though {}'s are interesting to play with. Sadly, with HTML on the rise, everyone figures that <whisper> has to have a </whisper> tag at the end; apparently they've never read stage directions before.

> Trying to work out if this is one of the many in-jokes that are going _way_ over my head,

Most of the in-jokes are rather low-brow. You'd have to crouch for them to even so much as hit your head (instead of, say, your leg), much less go over it.

> a misunderstanding,

Quite possibly. I know at least seven Sophie's, and I think you're one of them. But you could just as easily be someone I've never seen before.

> or if pieceoftheuniverse is someone who's identity I should try to decipher (A lot of effort at this time of afternoon),

I have yet to figure out who I am. If you find out who I might be, would you mind dropping me a line letting me know? I would give you my address, but I'm avoiding me right now and thus am unavailable for my own queries.

--
pieceoftheuniverse - bar-b-que time!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.com.au>
Date: Sun, 10 Dec 2000 22:19:13 +1100

TechnoAtheist wrote ...
> Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>> Freyja said:
>>; "Gordol" <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>>; | Donald Welsh said:
>>; | ; No, I'm a frayed knot.
>>; | As opposed to a Freya'd (k)not?
>>; So, are we going to Knot's Buried Farm?
>>Never heard of it. But I have been to the Desert of Maine.
>I remember the Maine.

Two horses meet on the exercise circuit. One says to the other:

"The pace is familiar, but I don't remember the mane."

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe-<THWAP>-


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Thu, 07 Dec 2000 21:52:49 +1100

'Sophie Ambrose' wrote:
>Is it common policy to accuse new people of being someone you know? Is this a way of making yourselves feel more at home with the unknown?

Not at all - that would be just plain silly, and we really are a serious bunch with no hangups about newbies (or nearly newbies) whatsoever.
Soo...
Have you been a good rhodent? Have you been toning up your skin with olive oil, red wine and tarragon? Been keeping your energy levels up by eating plenty of fatty foods?
That's the way. Soon you will fit right in...

--
GW De Lacey ...and if you don't, we'll just get a bigger pot.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: Gordol <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 2000 06:02:31 GMT

While idly wondering if the Pakmara can really do that, Sara M said:
; > Mrrow! A cat scan!
; Oooh! - <flicks hair, poses>

<scan>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: Wikkit <latebird.usa.net>
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 01:17:38 -0600

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
> "Jeff Hamlin" <jhamlin.freenet.nether.net> wrote:
> | You really are certain that I'm DMP aren't you? What makes you believe that?
> No fret. A metal detector may solve the mystery... <G>

Wow. You know it's a hardcore froup when there's a mandatory genitalia exam upon entering.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Fri, 29 Dec 2000 02:00:47 GMT

TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>>Cici in Texas wrote:
>>>Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>>>>Cici in Texas wrote:
>>>>> Anybody wanna take a flyer at defining 'standard deviation' for me?
>>>>"Standard deviation" is afda. Non-standard deviation is rhod.
>>> Excellent answer. I must have asked the wrong question.
>>And the supplicant was enlightened.
>Ian, what did we tell you about setting fire to people?

That it's not all it's cracked up to be?

That it's only funny the first couple of times you do it?

That it's too much effort for too little reward?

That it frightens the horses?

That the thin ones burn hotter, but the fat ones burn longer?

That it's either illegal, immoral, or fattening?

That he shouldn't do it in months ending in "r"?

That not everything the cat tells him to do is a good idea?

That you don't want him repeating your mistakes?

That it relieves tension, but the black smoke attracts attention?

That he's not paying his employees enough to napalm them?

That it may end arguments, but leads to lasting resentments?

That he should go outside if he wants to play that way?

That if you want something done right, you should do it yourself?

-- D. "What? What did you tell him?" W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 18:34:56 +1100

Jim Evans wrote:
> I always take pi = i.

Well, that explains why you're always pi i'ed.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1) Post to RHOD
From: Carlo Salchicha <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 07 Dec 2000 17:20:23 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick tocado me profundamente en caliente un lugar:
> Viki wrote ...
> >Wait... that would make her a lawyer, wouldn't it?
> Physics? Law? This can only be...
> A CARLO SUMMONING!!!

I am here! The line forms to the right for the opportunity to make sweet passionate lofe with Carlo. Ladies only, por favor.

Carlo "Del Pecho" Salchicha


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What I want to Be When I Grow Up
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 2000 14:51:55 +0000

Sara M schrieb:
>Henriette Kress wrote:
>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> >Comrade "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
>> >> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> >> >From what I hear, he's working hard on his thesis, and thus might not have a lot of time for the likes of us.
>> >> Sure, that's what he *says*. I saw another froup's lipstick on his coat!
>> >It's spaghetti sauce!
>> They all say that. Perhaps I'll choose to believe you... this time. So, want to kiss and make up?
>JIM wears *make up*???
>Oh say it isn't so

Sorry, but it's true - the poor man's a Physics major, which means he's not up for most of the popular jobs on the summer-break list. Since Physics doesn't tend to give one the mental acuity necessary, he just can't do such tasks as mopping hospital floors, stacking shelves and so forth. Physics students keep trying to enliven things by trying to make the Detergents and Soaps isle into a frictionless surface and performing density calculations on Corn Flakes, habits which render them unsuitable for regular employment.

No, the Physics student in break-time, in the Siberia-like wastelands of northern Canada, has but one recourse for his weekly pizza money: he has to become the disfigured henchman of a mad scientist locked in the belfry of the East Wing of the abandoned Physics building of the University of/de Ottowa. Here he can be given tasks of great import to the advancement of society, and revel in the knowledge that his training is being used to full capacity, whether dodging arcing electricity from failed death-rays or choosing (at an instant's notice) which of the three shelters available to him will offer most protection from giant-robot shrapnel. However, there is one flaw preventing JIM from performing all these most appropriate tasks: he is not actually disfigured.

Behold the wretched JIM, forced to undergo hours of make-up and prosthetic adjustment before reporting to work each morning! And he does it willingly, nay, *gladly*, for he knows it is the Rite of Passage through which any True Student of the Physical Sciences must pass. So cast ye not aspersions on dear JIM's powdered and besmeared visage, for he wears his cosmetics as all of his calling should: as a badge of honour to be held high, a target of admiration for all mankind.

Screwtape,
...watch out, TimC, you're next.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What I want to Be When I Grow Up
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 03 Dec 2000 16:47:54 -0800

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>Comrade Henriette Kress wrote:
>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> >Comrade "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" wrote:
>> >> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>> >> >From what I hear, he's working hard on his thesis, and thus might not have a lot of time for the likes of us.
>> >> Sure, that's what he *says*. I saw another froup's lipstick on his coat!
>> >It's spaghetti sauce!
>> They all say that. Perhaps I'll choose to believe you... this time. So, want to kiss and make up?
>Twist my arm.
>> Henriette (Right kiddo, _that_ is another froup's perfume. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!)
>Alright... you've got me. I've been -- cascading in sci.physics.hamsters.duct-tape.d.

*sniff*
Where did we go wrong JIM?
I remember the days when we were young and carefree. We used to go on long cascades before being beaten senseless by Nathan. The future was wide open to us (well, except the parts that were closed, but I could jimmy them open with a credit card).

But now look at us. You, posting here late after a night out with "the boys" and their flashy low-earth hamster delivery systems, and linear pellet accelerators. Sure, they're all flashy, fabricating 300 megawatt oxy-cricetus lasers, but what about us?

Sure, we had our problems, first it was Poker, then came the DRINKing, but say it's not too late! We can start over. Well, not from the beginning, I lost a lot of my old posts and they were silly anyway, but it doesn't have to end this way.

It ends when Patrick brings us cookies.

>I'm very very sorry, and it'll never happen again.
> JIM, better close that other window, quick...

Before you dive through it?

Won't that hurt?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What I want to Be When I Grow Up
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 00:58:10 -0500

Comrade Sara M wrote:
> Donald Welsh wrote:
> > twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
> > >Reminds me. What happened to Tom, who occasionally would go by the nickname, "Tom"?
> > Drop bears got 'im.
> How do you *know* it was drop bears??
> Did you know that on this day in 1996 Australian forensic scientists announced that koala fingerprints are almost identical to human fingerprints...?
> "Although it is extremely unlikely that koala prints would be found at the scene of a crime, police should be at least aware of he possibility" - (Maciej Henneberg, scientist)

Coming soon on a very *special* episode of Hydrogen Guy...

Deuterium Boy: Hydrogen Guy, who could have committed this grisly murder?

Hydrogen Guy: The police can search all of Australia, DB, and they won't find anyone whose fingerprints match those one the murder weapon. This is the work of - the Melbourne Koala Syndicate!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Left here a while back...
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 01 Dec 2000 15:45:54 -0800

Sanford Manley wrote:
> I left here a while back, maybe a year or two. I have come back and it seems that nobody is talking much about the oracle!

Are you sure you're from around here? 'Cause that ain't news.

> Didn't you know that it will sap his powers if we cease to talk about him?

Ooo, neat!

Does that mean we each get a piece?

Dibs on the omnipotence!

--
pieceoftheuniverse - I'll leave the rest for anyone else as long as they promise not to hit me with the ZOT staff...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: greetings old friends
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 3 Dec 2000 19:20:36 -0600

Freyja wrote:
} Freyja "missing Milwaukee"

Yeah, thanks a lot! You took out half of Green Bay that time. Aim about 100 miles south. And this time, use the *big* warhead.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sigh...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 11:17:10 +1100

GW De Lacey wrote:
> 'Sid' wrote:
> >"for of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these - it might have been."
> I know what you mean, you just can't trust washing machines...
...*or* men to use them right...
What happened to my new silk shirt?
I could have *sworn* it went in white...

And as for the fridge -
What on Earth *is* that, oozing from the shelves?
Have you taken, Sir, to growing beards
For poor and balding elves?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Done-de-done-done-done
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2000 19:53:25 GMT

Last night I finished my master's thesis. Two hundred and two pages, each one just dripping in scientific gems of wisdom.

And I couldn't have done it without the flying squirrels.

No, wait, that's not right.

Anyway, I should be submitting later this week, after I get editorial feedback and finish some book-keeping stuff like adding page numbers.

In the acknowledgements, I thank "T.I. Elcaro" for "insightful discussions". Cross my fingers that it gets through.

Now I'd like to seranade you all with Toto's "Africa".

I HEAR ZE DRUMS ECHO IN ZE NIGHT
SHE HEARS ONLY WHISPERS OF SOME QUIET CONVERSAAAAAAAYYY-SHUN
SHE'S -- Ow! Hey! Stop that! Give me that keyboaerdsskfdg- 00dgvj

JIM, HURRY BOY SHE'S WAITING ZERE FOR YOUUUU!!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Done-de-done-done-done
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 07:59:17 +1100

Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
> Damn, and I thought NetHack was the last bastion of non-commercialisation.

No, it never was. Not since those cheap plastic imitation amulets came along.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: select
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 00:35:57 GMT

Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> wrote:
>Freyja wrote:
>> "No User" <no.user.anon.xg.nu> wrote:
>> | Hi Specialists!
>> | My friend got his first computer. Now he is very sad about not getting e-mail.
>> | So please send some friendly mail to zemann.gmx.at
>> | He will be very pleased! TIA
>> Okay....
>> I think The URL might be a nice e-mail for this.
>Uh... the poster's clearly trying to get zemann spammed. Don't play along.

Ah, I see. They want to stick it to zemann.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Freakin' Funerals
From: HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net (Robot Karate Man)
Date: Tue, 05 Dec 2000 10:29:20 -0000

Gordol wrote:
>Freyja wrote:
>; I lost the schedule! When do we go bay at the moon while eating Cheetos?
>If it's insanity, shouldn't that be "mooning at the bay" while eating Cheetos?

So when I mooned the Cheetos covered in Bay Seasoning I was doing it wrong?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Who's Who Update
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2000 12:44:43 +0000

Robot Karate Man schrieb:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>or less slapped together by a rhodite that shall remain nameless,
>Slapped together?!?
>Geez. You do some nifty HTML and people get all jealous and start saying bad things behind your back.

Turn around, ~Steve-o, we've not finished yet.

Screwtape,
...I hear RKM's mother used to be a little *girl*!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Dec 2000 19:54:17 GMT

Jeff Hamlin <jhamlin.freenet.nether.net> said:
>I have a confession to make, I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder.

Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 19:36:37 GMT
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 19:37:14 GMT
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 19:39:33 GMT
Date: Mon, 11 Dec 2000 19:40:46 GMT

That's pathetic. Wacha doin'--holding up the phone and yelling the bits?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies use TinCanNet


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 01:41:59 GMT

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>1 It was purely haemorrhoids.

No no no no no. "Purely Haemorrhoids" is a new sitcom that's a spinoff of "Suddenly Susan" and is, if at all possible, even more painful to watch than the show from which it got its start, and not nearly as interesting or educational as "The Haemorrhoid Hunter," starring Steve Irwin.

> The feared IBD/Crohn's Disease was nowhere in sight. The severity of the attack leaves me to wonder whether I have bred a new species of super-haemorrhoid with the temperament of a rottweiler with toothache.

Not the best synecdoche: if it had been a rottweiler with a superb set of haemorrhoids, I might applaud your ability to describe the severity of your own anal varicosities. A dog with a toothache is just unhappy, but an attack dog with fire in his bowels would be fearsome indeed.

>2 Although the piles themselves have been treated, I have another month's treatment to undergo to deal with the chemical burns caused by the copious amounts of Germolene cream I was using to combat the irritation. Silly me, I should have remembered the effect of excess phenol on soft tissues.

Nobody would do that on purpose! You just wanted time off from work, is my guess.

>3 There is no (3). I just believe that the amount of pain I'm in at present deserved more than a mere 2 lessons to be learned.

Lesson 3: Talk to your Internet buddies before applying any sort of chemicals to your butthole.

>So who do I sue?

Your gramer teacher.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 13 Dec 2000 14:48:25 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> It was purely haemorrhoids.

Nice to know you're not a perfect arsehole after all!

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 08:04:12 +1100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> As for a lawsuit; the destructions on the tube say "an effective treatment for minor cuts and grazes, minor burns, scalds and blisters, stings and insect bites, spots and chapped or rough skin". It don't say nothing about "use for more than 24 hours in perianal regions can lead to embarrassing and painful chemical burns that would be serious enough to warrant a skin graft if they were located in a more accessible region of the body, but as it is you'll just have to live with four weeks of agony as they heal at their own pace, accompanied by an itch so malignant that you'll be wishing that the National Trust would designate your underpants as an area of outstanding natural beauty whither hedgehogs are encouraged to come and mate."

I believe I speak for us all when I assure you that we have missed you desperately, you and your hedgehogs, with which you seem to have a strange affinity I might add. Don't ever leave again.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 2000 00:46:44 GMT

Also Sprach Daniel E. Macks:
> Or, as...uh...someone in one of them froups <waves hand>over there-- maybe nanae?</hand>--noted that rather than some-painful-thing, he'd rather have his ass amputated with an acetylene torch.

Presenting my bum at the St Andrews Burns Unit of Broomfield Hospital in Chelmsford, I was naturally a little embarrassed by both the location and cause of my injuries. The nurse reassured me that my discomfort (on that account) was entirely unnecessary by describing one or two recent cases with which she has dealt. While not going into detail, it makes the likelihood that someone has tried a self-cauterising rectectomy of the kind you describe entirely plausible.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Your Company Logo Here.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 19 Dec 2000 19:28:01 -0500

Comrade Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> Also Sprach Viki:
> > Dear Gussie!!! I hope that you've improved in the week that has past, luv. A turn in the hot tub might be in order, that would help the bum to feel better. :(
> It actually makes it worse, but necessities of hygiene (and the lack of a bidet) force my hand. Was at the Burns Clinic today, and they are extremely satisfied with my progress, so much so that my next appointment isn't until Jan 3rd. Apparently it's a *good* sign that my arse resembles that of a mandrill. Who woulda thunk it?

Stay out of the rain-forest, then, you might get more action than you bargained for.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lisa/Santa/Priest bashing
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 00:02:56 -0500

Comrade Otis Viles wrote:
> twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
> >But what if Otis wrote it?
> Since that happens so rarely...
> For the record -- as far as I know, I have *never* had a question or answer that I wrote selected for a Digest. I believe I *may* have the distinction of being the only unpublished Priest.

So they gave you the job based on how much you could benchpress?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lisa/Santa/Priest bashing
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2000 20:13:11 -0800

drey.speakeasy.org (Otis Viles) wrote:
> putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie) wrote:
>>Dilbert Principle[`]
>>[`] Put the most dangerous people in the place where they can do the least damage -- management.
>That's one theory.

Personally, I subscribe to the inverse Peter Principle.

You are only held back by your abilities.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lisa/Santa/Priest bashing
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 12:49:23 GMT

Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>Otis Viles wrote:
>> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>> >Freyja's little joke. She is ordained, but has not (yet) been Digested. Actually, though, she *has* been published -- poetry.com accepted one of her poems...
>> Ooookay. When I refer to Priest's in this group, I *do* only refer to the Internet Oracle Priesthood, the cadre of beings who get the best AND the worst (and we do mean worst) of the Oracularities inflicted on them, WILLINGLY, so you might see the creme de la creme. Even if THAT turns out to be curdled too.
>Yes, yes, right, she knew that. That's why it's a joke. Somebody doesn't quite get this predator/raptor stuff, does he?

You seem surprised that he didn't notice humor when it jumped up and bit him on the nose.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: knock knock
From: TechnoAtheist <TechnoAtheist.SpamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 15:55:21 -0800

Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> Patrick Shaughnessy <pshaughn.mediaone.net> wrote:
>> >Jim Evans wrote:
>> >> Comrade Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>> >> > Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>> >> > >Forget about me; I'm lost!
>> >> > You're the one sitting by the PowerMac not wearing any pants.
>> >> [eyes Dan suspiciously]
>> >> How did you know I have a PowerMac?
>> >> JIM, I just take it for granted none of us is wearing pants
>> >Yes, but his PowerMac ALSO isn't wearing pants. Odd that.
>> Ach course nah laddie, It be wearin' a kilt!
>Shouldn't it also have a clown wig?

Yeah, but Steve Jobs killed that part because the big red nose took up too much screen space.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: knock knock
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 2000 23:30:07 -0500

Comrade TechnoAtheist wrote:
> Yeah, but Steve Jobs killed that part because the big red nose took up too much screen space.

Right now, I think it should have inch-long press-on nails, a tight leather mini-skirt and ratty fishnet stockings, because the thing's been going down more than a ten dollar whore.

JIM, I got a big red nose for Steve Jobs right here...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: knock knock
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 20 Dec 2000 18:10:33 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>> Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> said:
>> >Sara M wrote:
>> >> TimC wrote:
>> >> > Sara M was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea:
>> >> > >Gee - I don't suppose you'd like a DRINK!??
>> >> > Oh yes please! I'll have an orgasm.
>> >> Oh please don't go to any bother on my account - a simple "thank you" will be enough.
>> >Make mine a "screaming creamy orgasm", please.
>> That's what comes after a slow comfortable screw up against the wall, no?
>It's SUPPOSED to, dammit.

Well it would be kinda sad and stupid to have a drink called a "disappointed self-completion exercise."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who the #%&*~! is K. Myers?!?!
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.spamedi.org.uk>
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 11:43:09 GMT

asharka.my-deja.com says...
> Barry O'Neill wrote:
> } HeySteveo.steveo.cjb.net says...
> } > Oh, incidentally, I don't want to ruin the question, but here's another K. Myers answer:
> } > } they pelt you with dead mongooses and feed you "ethnic cusine".
> } > } BEWARE EUROPA!!!
> } > } K. Myers
> } What *is* your problem? Slam-dunk incarnation material if ever I saw it.
> Sounds pretty ZIPPY to me.

OK, so how long do I stand here nodding sagely at that before you tell me WTF you're talking about?

Look, I appreciate the party and everything, but I have to tell you that standing here with a glass of eggnog in one hand (I hate eggnog) and a sagging paper plate of cheese nibbles (I hate cheese nibbles) is getting to be a bit wearing. Particularly since you seem to have both hidden *all* the tables and covered *every* horizontal surface (bar the floor) with *just* enough junk to prevent me from putting down the contents of either hand and heading for a) the door or b) the bar, whichever is closer.

And now just to make my misery complete, you make cryptic, incomprehensible remarks calculated to make me ask you to explain what they mean, knowing full well that a momentary lull in the general conversation at the *precise* moment you reply (loudly and slowly, of course) will ensure that your answer will be heard not only by me, but by the rest of the assembled throng, who will also nod sagely.

Ah, fuck it. My feet ache and I'm going home. Sorry about the eggnog and cheese nibbles all over your carpet.

Maybe tomorrow I'll ask DRI what "Sounds pretty ZIPPY to me." means...

B


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who the #%&*~! is K. Myers?!?!
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2000 09:25:50 -0600

Barry O'Neill wrote:
> OK, so how long do I stand here nodding sagely at that before you tell me WTF you're talking about?

Zippy the pinhead, prolly most renouned in the Unix (linux?) fortune cookie program. Non-sequiturism refined.

> Maybe tomorrow I'll ask DRI what "Sounds pretty ZIPPY to me." means...

Time to do an askme. Nah. The priests'll just toss it.

An INK-LING? Sure -- TAKE one!! Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??

All this time I've been VIEWING a RUSSIAN MIDGET SODOMIZE a HOUSECAT!

Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS?? If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!

Barbie says, Take quaaludes in gin and go to a disco right away!
But Ken says, WOO-WOO!! No credit at "Mr. Liquor"!!

... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...

BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY WAY" I've ever heard!!



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