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2000 02

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wow. Where's Kimberly?
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2000 03:03:54 GMT

Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>Paul wrote:
>> All this time I've been thinking of you as "Iron Man Ian."
>Iron Man, that's me. Thick, dense and rusty.

Dense? Oh! I'd *love* to!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Goodbye.
From: Pjim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 21:19:42 -0500

On 1 Feb 2000, Daniel E. Macks wrote:
} Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
} >On Mon, 31 Jan 2000, Comrade Petulantia Spliffbint wrote:
} >} Also Sprach ~Steve-o:
} >[snip]
} >} > As you can see, I have a lot of pent-up anger about certain people who believe they own this group.
} >} It's owned by Fluffy.
} > JIM, sorry, don't know what came over me...
} My bad...I was reading a.b.p.e.b.h.d-t again.
} dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can't believe there's a '.d' for that one also

And oh, the discussions they have...

JIM, my sweet, sweet Fluffy...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Greetings from the 21st century
From: Tom "Tom" Harrington <mechanist.my-deja.com>
Date: Tue, 01 Feb 2000 04:56:00 GMT

dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh) wrote:
> SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com> wrote:
> >Have they eradicated the RST virus?
> Mad genius and part-time supermodel Dr. Tom "Tom" Harrington abandoned the Burma Shave project and genetically engineered a strain of the RST virus as a cascadeicide. We are still dealing with the resulting plague of Acquired Brainless Clue Deficiency.

I have NOT abandoned the Burma Shave project. However, progress has been slowed by the straitjacket and the padded cell. Nevertheless research continues, and I am hopeful that the pace will accelerate after next month's visit with the judge.

And please DO NOT blame me for the RST virus. I was afflicted with it, but I did not develop it. I'm pretty sure it mutated on its own. Anyway, my cell is apparently RST-proof, because although I had not fully recovered when I came to live here, I have been clean and sober ever since.

> You owe the Oracle a working time machine or a cure for ABCD.

I apologize for the ABCD outbreak. It's hard to properly administer clues from in here. And anyway, they took my cluestick away.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: Pjim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 00:04:10 -0500

On Mon, 31 Jan 2000, Comrade TechnoAtheist wrote:
} Honestly, Parallel parking is just a simple trick. Match your car with the car ahead of the spot you want, start backing up, when your front wheels line up with the back wheels of that car start cranking your steering wheel to the right. When your front bumper lines up with the rear bumper, crank to the left.
} Straighten out as needed.
} The parts that require skill are:
} 1. determining that your car can fit into that spot.
} 2. knowing how much room you have for finishing. (Seeing the other cars move is not the right answer)
} 3. Knowing that an SUV is NOT a compact car and should not go in the spots marked COMPACT (unless you like having your doors hammered when I open up my car)

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"Sure I do! I learned how to parallel park on Usenet!"

} *sigh* I'm showing my age again, aren't I?

Cold creme?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2000 16:49:07 GMT

NolanNoSpam.wilmington.net (Nol Smi) wrote:
> SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com> wrote:
>>Behold His mightly hand!
>Whoa! It's fsckin' huge!
>Nol "big hands, big feet" Smi

You know what they say about that. Big feet ...

-- D. "Big boots." W.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1146 ?
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2000 01:02:53 GMT

"DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Rumors have been whispered that 1146 has been released, yet it hasn't appeared on my server yet and it ain't at dejablows.com yet. Anybody seen this gem and more importantly did *I* get digested?

I finally received it via e-mail, but it hasn't shown up on my newsnurfer. I e-mailed Steve Kinzler about it, but haven't yet gotten a reply. I can give you a quick rundown on the digest, in case you're interested:

Digest #1146 contains the voting results from digest #1141. It also contains approximately ten new oracularities, some of which I expect will get good votes, and some which will probably get bad votes. Actually, all will probably get some good and bad votes, but they will vary in the numbers of good and bad votes they get individually. In each case, the oracularities consisted of a question and an answer. Some had a bit of grovelling in the questions, and the Oracle demanded payment from some, but not all, of the supplicants. At the beginning of the digest, there is information on how to find out more about the Oracle, and brief instructions on submitting votes.

That's about it, as far as I can recall.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: attention
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 04 Feb 2000 11:45:57 +1100

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> Sid wrote:
> >Lane Gray, Czar Castic <e9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
> >> Sid wrote:
> >> >> EGK has a mouth. That is how you tell the difference between her and Hello Kitty. Go read the ASH-K FAQ
> >> >ASH-K or AFH-K ?
> >> AFH-K?
> >alt.fan.hello-kitty
> >what's ash-k anyway?
> alt.sex.hello-kitty (yes it actually exists). Sara M came over here from that froup, along with afr-n.

Kitty-cat, kitty-cat where have you been?
I've been to rhod to check out the scene.
Kitty-cat, kitty-cat what did you wear?
Oh - my usual thigh boots and a black bustier....

No no no - start again.

Kitty-cat, kitty-cat where have you been?
I've been to rhod to check out the scene.
Kitty-cat, kitty-cat what did you find?
Well - a certain flayed penis - *that* springs to mind...


Kitty-cat, kitty-cat where have you been?
I've been to rhod to check out the scene.
Kitty-cat, kitty-cat what did you see?
LOTS of sex innuendo - or is that just me?


Kitty-cat, kitty-cat where have you been?
I've been to rhod to check out the scene.
Kitty-cat, kitty-cat what did you learn?
That kids taste like chicken and latex smells when it burns?

<whack> - ouch!

Kitty-cat, kitty-cat where have you been?
I've been to rhod to check out the scene.
Kitty-cat, kitty-cat what did you there?
Umm - I giggled and sniggered and pulled up a chair?

Yes - *that's* what I mean.

EVIL Goodbye Kitty

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: ahem....
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 02 Feb 2000 16:00:41 -0800

argle bloop bargle froom gweeble blurg farg woggle blurf

................*pant* *pant* *pant*


much better.


From: "Julianna Avedon" avedon.usa.net:
I'd no idea anyone in this group was capable of such beautiful poetry in fluent Elbonian.

From: steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o)
I woke up this morning and my hair had the same sentiments.

From: Viki thevidts.stargate.net
Did the froup sex start without me? I'm so embarassed, sorry, I was powdering my nose.

From: "Sid" sid.siddhartha.8m.com:
try lozenges.

From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Pantpantpant are cool, but I've never heard of their opening and closing bands.

From: "Andrew Comeau" acomeauNO.SPAMmfi.net
I told you not to eat that five-alarm chili ..... it may be good but oh, the next morning .....

From: Cici in Texas cclovis.mindspring.com
Look, I TOLD you to leave the wasabi alone.
Cici <care for a gallon of ice water?> in Texas

From: Barry O'Neill abuse.londo.freeuk.com
So Tech, you finally made it to Win2000 Error Message Beta Tester (Junior Grade), eh? How the fsck do you manage to get all the *good* jobs?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ahem....
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 06 Feb 2000 01:29:26 GMT

unclejesse.mac.com (Uncle Jesse) wrote:
>JRRTolkien. Start with the Hobbit. Then the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Next comes the Silmarillion. After that it gets kind of order insensitive. Lost Tales of Numenor and Middle Earth is good. Although Everything from the Silmarillion on was published posthumously and edited by his son Christopher. The Silmarillion was almost done. The other posthumous books were pieced together with a lot of commentary by Christopher. They are really good if you're a diehard fan (which I am, most realistic fake world I've ever read about, actual made-up languages that you can actually learn and use, very detailed history and sense of time, vivid descriptions of people and places, hope you have a good imagination or it'll get lost on you).

I've read LOTR about a dozen times, and I've read the Silmarillion twice. Should probably go back and tackle that one again. I have a copy of The Book of Lost Tales Volume II, but it looked like it was mostly stuff that was edited into Silmarillion, so I never read the whole thing.

>A Elbereth Gilthoniel,
>silivren penna míriel
>o menel aglar elenath!
>Na-chaered palan-díriel
>o galadhremmin ennorath,
>Fanuilos, le linnathon
>nef aear, si nef aearon!
>A Elbereth Gilthoniel!
>o menel palan-díriel
>le nallon sí di'nguruthos!
>A tiro nin, Fanuilos!
>RHOD points for He Who Can Translate.

Okay, I'll give it a shot:

Come and listen to a story
'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer who
Barely kep 'is family fed.
And then one day he was shootin' at some food
When up from the ground come-a-bubblin' crude...
...oil that is. Black Gold. Texas Tea.

Well the first thing you know
Ol' Jed's a millionaire
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!"
Said, "Californy is the place you wanna be!"
So he loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly...
...Hills that is. Swimmin' pools. Movie stars.

(And then all the elves rip into a major bluegrass
jam session.)

How many points do I get?

>Then there's the most common one but usually written in English:
>Nfu anmt qheonghyûx,
>nfu anmt tvzonghy,
>nfu anmt guenxnghyûx
>ntu ohemhz-vfuv xevzcnghy.

I can't believe you printed that without ROTting it first. This *IS* a family group.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ahem....
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2000 21:22:09 -0800

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
><technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>Personally, I'm a fan of orbital mass drivers. Just pick up some stuff on the way and deposit it when you get there.
>Oh yes, there's nothing as terrifying as having your planet bombarded by billions of tons of nachos and cheese that the marauders picked up at the local intergalactic 7-11 on their way over.

We have established a ground based defense mechanism for such an attack. The Ballistic Edible Attack Vector Intercept System and the BEAVIS Ultimate Tactical Team. The BEAVIS is generally managed by a single lead, or Head. (Uh, huh-huh-huh)

The BEAVIS and BUTT-Head (uh-huh-huh, he said head, uh-huh-huh) have been shown to be strikingly effective at neutralizing space based nacho (nachos? where!?) attacks. (Na-CHOs, nachosnachosnachos).

Using high speed insertion (uh-huh-huh-huh,uh-huh-huh-huh) techniques we can place them in any position (heh-heh any position heh-heh-heh) (hey beavis, where are those nachos?) (I dunno, that asswipe said something about nachos, but I don't see any. This sucks!) where we are threatened by Nacho attack. (see! He said it again! Hey, asswipe!)

This protective system cost millions to develop, (asswipe! where are the damn nachos?) and we hope to never deploy it, (what! hey, you promised us nachos!) (let's kick his ass) but we, ow, know for certain, ow, that if we were, ow, ever attacked, ow, excuse me. Alright, here's some nachos. Now sit down! (Na-chos, na-chos)(uhm, we get any soda with these?)

Where was I? Oh yes, if any opposing forces were to ever fire (fire? fire! fire!!) (hey, beavis, this sucks. let's go burn something) (uhm, ok.) upon us, we would certainly survive any attack. The scientists involved with this program have devoted years of their time to ensure that...

Anyone smell something? Holy SH

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ahem....
From: Viki <thevidts.stargate.net>
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 23:47:23 -0500

SamIAm wrote:
> unclejesse.mac.com (Uncle Jesse) wrote:
> >> Their uniforms have pockets!
> >Who needs pockets when you have site-to-site transport?
> I would have said to have a place to keep your spare change or your keys, but then the ST universe doesn't have money or locks. So they don't need pockets for that.

Well the men all need the pockets in order to play with......

oh, nevermind.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: War, Famine, Small Furry Irritating Creatures (was Re: Just a little over 14 hours from now)
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 17:27:18 +0000

Rob Sharp <internet.ora.?> writes
>>His unhealthy obsession with the whore of Babylon5 should have been a clue. How many heads and horns did you say you had, Ian?
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*---*---*-----*----Antipodean - Antichrist: think about it--
>The whore of Babylon5 you say?

And, come to that, how come Ian and Hook rearhodppear at the same time, eh? How come we've never seen the two of them together? How come we've never seen either of them together? Why does Ian spend so much time in phone booths in various stages of undress? Are we expected to believe it's just a coincidence that Tapa Chinook is an anagram of Ian Hook pact?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----Yours isn't the fastest news swerver on the planet, is it?--

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok folks
From: SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com>
Date: 03 Feb 2000 23:27:02 EST

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>> SamIAm wrote:
>> } "DMP" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> } >SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com> wrote in message
>> } >> I am sorry for your penis.
>> } >Thank-you your sympathy is duly noted.
>> } Why do I get the feeling that even as we type DMP is concocting some hideous revenge for my smart-ass remark?
>> } SamIAm looking for a place to hide
>> Just wait, you'll wake up one morning with Kevin's head in your bed.
>Hey! I was using that!

Now Kevin. Be a good boy and share your toys with your friends.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d,alt.fan.douglas-adams
Subject: Re: Stats up, up, up
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 05 Feb 2000 22:02:45 -0800

Howard Gardner <hgardner.hgardner.com> wrote:
>Ben wrote:
>> newswerver.
>This thread is crossposted to afda, where we took a vote and decided not to understand this word.
>Please keep your posts afda compliant.

Ah, I understand your confusion.

A newswerver uses relatively new syntactic algorerythms to intercept messages, replace words in postings and sometimes insert I've never liked cheese or your mother phrases in an attempt to study chaos theory in USENET banana cream pie.

It uses the natural tendancy of USENET pedantics to engague in heated discussion sex over message innuendo and errors you f'sking moron to monitor network status I've got a pony in my pocket, swerver/sever propogation, and presents the data as a screensaver emacs sucks which generally resembles "swarm" cat food breath.

It is important to filter you like happy fun-ball such apples by setting the X-AllowNewsSwerverMunging to "frog". Setting the nazi to anything else will only encourage monkeyspit.

HTH, HAND oregano.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: zero hour is at hand (nearly)
From: "trog" <trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 9 Feb 2000 22:05:48 -0000

~Steve-o wrote ...
> Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
> ><Snip it. Snip it good. No, really. You'll be much happier.>
> My wife is taking me to the vet. I have an appointment 3/3/0000.

Gosh. That was a long time ago.

> I plan on having a tombstone tatooed on my groin with
> Here Lies the Remains
> of ~Steve-o's Testicles
> Passed on 3/3/0000
> They hung around until the end

I think I'll have, "I told you I was ill".

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Online interactive games
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2000 08:34:57 -0800

lots42.aol.comaol.com. (And knowing is half the battle) wrote:
>You know you've been playing online choose/write your own adventure games when you start looking for secret passages in the wall.

Could be worse.

You could have been playing Doom/Quake so long that you start walking into walls going "Hurnh".

And then the wife walks in and you have to explain that you are not humping the plaster, you are looking for secret rooms with the plasma guns...

... oh, never mind...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Apology (was: Re: Goodbye.)
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 15:40:23 -0800

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
> TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>>>Who once found a toe inside of a jelly fish on the beach in Atlantic City
>>>How would a jelly fish get a toe?
>>Well, it was Atlantic City, so I'm figuring Mob connections.
>So you're saying the jellyfish might have had gambling debts?
>Who doesn't believe that our italian-american friends are doing anything but legitimate business.

Of course not. Everyone knows that it's the jellyfish that are the true criminal element. The jelly you found was probably an informer. The toe is the invertebrate equivalent of cement shoes.

Since you were so young, you probably didn't see the tiny limo tracks heading back into the surf.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Apology (was: Re: Goodbye.)
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 22:58:13 GMT

"ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>Not many people realize what good collateral a brain can be. Alison and I almost have her grey-matter mortgage down below $40K now.
>I paid mine off through indentured servitude.

I told the student loan company they could have my brain back. I wasn't using it, so...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny.
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2000 20:53:40 -0800

tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>From a remote bunker, Screwtape issued the following manifesto:
>> Ian Davis schrieb:
>>>~Steve-o wrote:
>>>> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>>>> >(BTW, ~Steve-o, how do you pronounce the ~ ?)
>>>> You don't, it's just a neat little tilda I put on the S when I use my calligraphy pen to sign my posts before I send 'em.
>>>You're not fooling anybody. We all know you have a purple worm grafted to your head.
>> For siphoning soup when no spoons are available.
>I just use my flesh-colored pocket worm for that. Actually it's more of a snake, but you get the idea.

Well, that explains the screaming until the soup cools.

And I don't want to know how you blow on it...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Made me laugh....
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 20:14:44 GMT

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
> "Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>>On the other hand....
>>[remembering the endurance of young men and realizing that due to God's Cruel Joke she is in the "prime of her life"...]
>ROFL! I laugh whenever I hear someone say this because I've actually talked to friends of my who are in their later 20's and NONE of us had the mythical "endurace of young men."

It's not so much endurance in a single round as it is ability to go multiple rounds. But then of course the secondary, tertiary, quaternary, quintenary, and sextenary rounds all lasted progressively longer (never made it to a septenary myself, but I expect it might have killed me.)

>Who has no endurance now but whose wife, thanks to an interesting reaction between medications, is determined to see what it takes to kill him.

What a way to go. By the way, what are the names of these medications? I'm sure my wife has whatever ailment yours has.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Made me laugh....
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 13:05:07 +1100

Screwtape wrote:
> ~Steve-o schrieb:
> >If your teen lover hasn't worked a condom til it's ready to burst, you haven't worked your teen lover properly.
> Well, the dang thing didn't come with an instruction manual, did it?

"Insert Tab A into Slot B."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RemarQ must DIE!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2000 12:11:39 +1100

Matt K. schrieb:
>"Paul" wrote:
>> Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>> >Jeffrey Kaplan wrote:
>> >> McDonalds bought the Boston Market (rotisserie chicken) chain.
>> >NOOOOO!!!!!!
>> Wow. Can you make Ian scream in horror again? That was cool.
>AOL/Time-Warner just bought the Sydney Opera House.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny stuff
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 02:29:34 -0700

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) said:
> detornay.my-deja.com wrote:
> >Yeah, that is is pretty fuuny, so is this: http://www.<snip>.com
> You're kidding right? That page has about as much humor as a poached egg up the ass.

You sound like you've never had a poached egg up the ass.

Kevin "me either! no, really!" Kelley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny stuff
From: steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o)
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2000 01:10:03 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>And you would find that hysterical? Well, I imagine a sicko like you *would* laugh if I had a poached egg up my ass. But try doing it yourself!
>Wazzamatter, can't get it in without help?

Or at least a lubricant, like tabasco.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Apology
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 22:52:44 -0500

On Sat, 12 Feb 2000, Comrade Lane Gray, Czar Castic declared:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} >Though I must admit to a fondness for attoparsecs and nanofortnights.
} > JIM, an eccentricity I no doubt get from my grandfathers
} I guess it would take a physicist to appreciate 0.0012096 of a second

I know my ex-girfriend didn't.

JIM, *sigh*

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Need Hits
From: tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 17:59:51 GMT

From a remote bunker, Ed Chauvin IV issued the following manifesto:
> Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote:
>> Screwtape wrote:
>>> ...The only thing worse than a hardware guy with a software patch is a programmer with a screwdriver.
>>And therefore my combined EE/CS background makes me doubly dangerous. :-)
> So you're like a hardware programmer with a screwdriver patch?

No, it just means that if you let me at your OS, I'll screw your drivers.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Old Junk...
From: "Jim Deutch" <103134.3516.compuserve.com>
Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 13:04:51 -0500

Rob Sharp wrote:
>>> } I was just going through an old box of junk and found:
>>what happened to the new box of junk?
>Well, you can have my old box of junk if you like. Then' it'll be new to you....
>I moved house about 4 months ago now, and still have these two boxes in the middle of my bedroom. Drives my girlfriend crazy... I haven't needed to open them in all this time, so I'm pretty sure I don't need anything that's in them.
>Any offers?

I'll trade you three boxes of junk for 'em

Jim Deutch

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Jim's Sig
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 00:45:30 +1100
Sara M schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Screwtape,
>> ...b*lg**m.

You walk seductively across the bar, waving your hips just a little more than is comfortable, your eyes steady on the male you caught looking at you. It's a pity it was an iron bar, and you fall headlong onto the carpet in front of your male pet degu.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh My.
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 21:38:26 -0600

Sara M wrote:
} trog wrote:
} > Richard Fitzpatrick wrote ...
} > > Cheap at half the price.
} > > Richard, whose dull green Kampuchean loving ghoti thinks that's a very silly saying.
} > Does your ghoti think that it would be expensive at the whole price?
} Something tells me I'm going to be sorry for asking this - but please sir - what's a ghoti?

You missed out on one of the finest chapters in rhod; the one where almost everyone had a fish sig. Well, three or four of us did anyway. You're also too young to remember the old Batman shows with Adam West and Burt Ward, in which it gets explained.
"gh" == "f" as in "enough" or "tough".
"o" == "i" as in...in... I can't remember right now, but trust me, it just is. Oh yeah, I remember now: "women".
"ti" == "sh" as in the ending of "emotion" or "faction".

And when you put those letters side by side
Now what do you think we've found?
We've made a fishie
And it's a really beautiful one.

Al, whose dark grey H. Plecostomus recently gave up the ghost. :'(

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh My.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 22 Feb 2000 00:40:37 -0500

On Tue, 22 Feb 2000, Comrade Sara M declared:

You know, I treally want your thesaurus.

} Devil Fish, Bastard Trumpeters, Bat Fish, Tongue Soles, Beardies, Black-Eyed Thicklips, Black-Headed Pullers, Hulafish, Black Goatfish, Black-Arse Cod, Horned Blennies, Cubed Boxfish, Pink Clingfish, Vagabond Butterflyfish, Cardinal Clingfish, White-Lipped Catfish, Rusty Catsharks, Choppers, Masked Stingarees, False Cleanerfish, Greasy Cod, Painted Grinners, Covict Surgeonfish, Longhorned Cowfish, Crocodilian Longtoms, Immaculate Damsels, Deep-Bodied Leatherjackets, Flutemouths, Devilrays, Spiked Dogfish, Doubleheaders, Stargazers, Orange Eelpouts, Elongate Flounder, Spangled Emperors, Crustheads, Fringe-Lipped Snake Eels, Fuscous Rabbitfish, Gobbleguts, Smilers, Goblinfish, Goodlad's Stinkfish, Toadstool Gropers, Handfish, Happy Moments, Hardguts, Harrowed Soles, Largescale Grinners, Unicorn Leatherjackets, Lowly Trevally, Vulpine Pigfish, Stranglers, Saddled Puffers, Dog Sharks, Real Bastard Trumpeters, Rough Bullseyes, Sculptured Seamoths, Sergeant Baker, Basking Sharks, Short-Headed Worm Eels, Smooth Toadfish, Black Soles, Strongfish, Suckerfish, Numbfish, Ten-Pounders, Three By Two's, Tubemouths, Humpheads, Mouth-Almighty's, Emperor Sweetlips, Grunters and Cucumber Fish.

Wow, there's enough sig-material there to keep some bright-eyed chappie with a perl script stocked for months...

JIM, whose electric blue Grunters have, milligram for milligram, the largest bowel movements in the Sargasso

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Oh My.
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 19:40:15 -0800

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> I had visions of a very odd looking gentleman indeed.
>Tsk - you must lie back und ve shall begin the therapy immediately - take all ze nasty boo-boo dreams away...
>Vatch my watch - backwards und forwards...backwards und....
>> Kinda punk, but with french accents.
>Ja ja - it's a family herrloom - now please try to concentrate... Backwards und forwards - backwards und forwards... You are getting so sleepy...
><g> Sehr gut!
>Now ve shall regress you again I think...
>Where were we? Ah yes - you were just about to tell us about what happened when you rescued those poor stranded soaking-wet cheerleaders und took them back to your isolated winter chateau...
>> Mind if I continue?
>Oh please do.
>> thanks.
>You're welcome.

I took them back to my isolated winter chateau where I let them take long hot showers. Meanwhile I cooked them a hot pasta dinner with fresh breads and wine. They relax by the roaring fire telling stories while I clean up the dishes and prepare the beds. Then after the last slips off to bed, I pull the blanket up around myself and settle in on the couch, whispering to the night: Damn these post hypnotic suggestions. Damn these post hypnotic suggestions.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Jargon File loves us!
From: latebird.usa.net (Ben)
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 22:04:49 -0600

kelley.ruralnet.net wrote:
>-latebird.usa.net (Ben) said:
>-> I might as well quit screwing with my website too, because that's just one
>-> big time hole, and has no reward whatsoever.
>-> I'll have to persuade somebody to take care of the net interests I have
>-> taken, including the afda FAQ. Be a tad rude to drop it after only doing
>-> it for a week...
>-Can we PLEASE have a usenet WITHOUT subliminal messages?

1 Kevin, the Oracle guy, can always be found
2 hard at work on the internet. Kevin works independently, without
3 wasting time talking to colleagues. Kevin never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow users, and he always
5 finishes projects on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Kevin is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Kevin can be
10 classed as a high-caliber person, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Kevin be
12 rewarded at every possibility, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Now try it with just the even numbered lines.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD needs MOTAR!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 14:26:06 -0800

EdChauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
>Unsubstantiated rumors have been circulating that TechnoAtheist has 30 toes.
Oh cool, my collection is multiplying.


>>MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf!

>Welcome to the home of TechnoAtheist, where we've secretly switched his regular coffee with our TripleCaff© crystals. Let's see if he can tell.

Ha! I laugh at you and your silly addition to watered down bean soup with no chunky bits floating around in stewy goodness because the only good soup is the kind where you have to eat it with a fork or maybe a knife because you can't really get the spoon in because the potatoes are still frozen dammit I thought I nuked this thing for a full two minutes not twenty seconds so now I gotta nuke it again.

where was I?

oh yeah

I don't drink of these things like the filthy wash of ground up beans which sounds a bit disgusting really because you don't drink the water you use to wash off fruit or vegitables, well I don't at least because I don't like it and it doesn't really taste that good at all more like just really weak fruit punch like the kind you used to get at school gatherings when you were six and they had the big orange cooler full of some beverage that they got from McDonalds or BurgerKing or some other godawful place.

Sluurp. *giK*

NO! I prefer the clean, sterile beverages you find in a can like Diet Choke, which is good, ahh, diet coke my silver can of brain coolent my happy little burst of sugar, how I long to feel you course through my veins like little bitty *BRRUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUURRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRP* nascar racers on crack oh happy little can hermetically sealed under the authority of coke company in atlanta ga nope the stuff that goes into that can is completely unnatural ingredents unsoiled by god or man them tasty ingredients unless you count the occasional rat or bacteria but what's a little extra protein among friends and so it might have nearly killed a few europeans, it only makes the whole stronger. I gotta go.


where was I? oh look shiny objects.
MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf! MustSwitchToDecaf!
damn can's empty, gotta go get more, talk to you later.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2000 17:32:02 +1100

Uncle Jesse schrieb:
>thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org wrote:
>> Sara M schrieb:
>> >Just supposing for *some* reason you found yourself with a whole trailer-load of spare butter...
>> > What would *you* do with it?
>> Make a 1:1 scale model of my car. Preferably a working model.
>No, you couldn't possibly make a working model. Butter is far too plastic. It's stress/strain curve barely has an elastic region and is nearly flat after the yield stress has been surpassed. Butter's
>the average internal combustion engine. Because of these results, we cannot recommend that you build you next car from butter.

/me looks nobly into the distance.

A man can dream, can't he?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Who must I bribe?
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2000 17:46:52 +1100

TechnoAtheist schrieb:
>tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>>From a remote bunker, Billy Phred! issued the following manifesto:
>>> To get into the digests? I have read 1150 and I am not in it. Who must I bribe?
>Now that's just below the belt!

But only just.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Charge of the Troll Brigade
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 17:53:19 +0000

There, Henriette - just like I threatened:

Ev'ry thread, ev'ry thread,
Ev'ry thread endless,
Into the newsfroup of death
Rode Captain Hookless.
"Time for a troll broadside!
Flame them to crisps!" he cried:
Into the newsfroup of death
Rode Captain Hookless.

"Time for a troll broadside!
Time that wretch Steve-o fried!
All his on-topic posts
I'll render useless."
His not to once relent,
His not to have one friend,
His but to sow dissent:
Into the newsfroup of death
Rode Captain Hookless.

Rhodites to the right of him,
Rhodites to the left of him,
Rhodites in front of him,
Just couldn't care less;
Hammered by ridicule,
Looking an utter fool,
Into the froup of death,
Struggling to keep his cool,
Rode Captain Hookless.

When will he jack it in?
How can we drum it in?
Flame bait will never win
While it is witless.
Why suffer ridicule?
Why look an utter fool?
Why post such wombat drool?
Fly from this froup of death,
Try to reclaim your cool,
Don't show the whole world you're
Hookless the Clueless!

I couldn't resist. Not that I feel our own little Hooky really deserves immoleratality just yet, mind. Well, not unless he rips off the pirate mask and reveals himself to be Joel Furr anyway. Now that would be a sensation.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----What? You mean other people don't spend all---
--*-----*--*----*----*---their spare time disembowelling poetry?---

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: fawing over a Viscount
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 13:25:23 -0500

On Fri, 25 Feb 2000, Comrade Viki declared:
} Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote in message
} > Bad Biki. No Viscuit.
} > EVIL Goodbye Kitty.
} > someone...?
} <whine>
} But I don't *want* a Viscount.
} </whine>

Well, last time we let you have a Marquis, you ruined it.

JIM, poor old de Sade will never be the same...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cryptic comment intended to spark discussion
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 10:17:42 +1100

RST wrote:
> Paul <brightredfish.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> And I also like the one where they almost escape from the island.
> Which one?

The one that they're shipwrecked on.

EVIL Goodbye Kitty

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Well
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2000 03:06:43 -0500

TechnoAtheist wrote:
>Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
>>TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> writes:
>>> I am not a Kelly, I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. My nick is my own.
>>> Now if you excuse me, there's a very large white balloon knocking on my door.
>>You are number 175.
>Great! and they just called 23. I'll be here all day!

It get's worse, they're counting in base 4.

Ed Chauvin IV

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: apologies
From: Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2000 23:02:17 +0000

Also Sprach Jim Evans:
> } Pence, young Sidling, Pence. There are 100 of them to a shiny new pound. There used to be 240 of them to a wonderful old pound, but in those happy halcyon days we called them "d" instead.
> How did all that work, exactly? ie. how many d to a shilling, and shillings to a pound? I have somewhere in my mind that 12 shillings = 1 pound, so then that'd be 20 pence to the shilling.

Precisely correct. Them were the days. We had *real* money then. Ten bob notes and shiny sixpences and half-crowns (2/6, or 2s 6d depending on how one looks at it) and 5 shilling postal orders for birthdays and penny chews and sherbert-filled flying saucers and red liquorice bootlaces and Mars Bars went up from 4d to 5d and I only got sixpence pocket money and couldn't afford them so we used to gang up as tearaway 6-year-olds and distract the lady at the shop while one of us shop-lifted a Mars Bar and then Bruce got run over and so we stopped.

> And that a crown was worth one pound,

A crown was five bob.

> but then how much is a guinea?

21 shillings.

> JIM, occaisionally regrets not being British

OK, back to basics.

Forget groats. Even *I'm* too young to remember groats.

LSD = Pounds, Shillings and Pence (from the Latin: Librae, Solidi and Denarii. The measure of weight, lb, comes from the same stem)

The symbol for the Brit Pound is not UKP, but "£", which is a stylised "L" (and apologies for anyone not 8-bit clean who misses that symbol).

  • 4 farthings (teeny tiny, copper coloured) = 2 halfpennies (pronounced "hayp'nies") (small, copper coloured) = 1 penny (1d) (large, copper coloured).
  • 3 pennies (pronounced "pence") = 1 threepenny (pronounced "thrup'ny") bit (small, octagonal [or nonagonal? The mind does wander so], brass coloured) (3d)
  • Two threepenny bits = 1 sixpence (pronounced "sixp'nce") (small, silver coloured) (6d)
  • 2 sixpences = 1 shilling (pronounced "bob") (larger, silver coloured) (1s)
  • 2 shillings = 1 florin (pronounced "two bob bit") (larger still, silver coloured)
  • 2 shillings and sixpence = 1 half-crown (even larger, silver coloured) (2s 6d, usually written as 2/6) (sometimes called "half a dollar")
  • 2 half-crowns = 1 crown (usually only issued commemoratively on, for example, the occasion of Sir Winston Churchill's death. I still have mine) (huge, silver coloured) (5s or 5/-)
  • 2 crowns = 10 shillings (brown banknote, the "ten bob note") (10s or 10/-).
  • 2 ten bob notes = 1 pound (pronounced "quid") (green banknote) (20s or
    20/- or £1)
  • 21 shillings = 1 guinea. (Purely a concept, no banknotes in circulation of which I am aware.) (Still used as the standard bid in auctions up and down the country, especially of horses, and is often the unit of prize money in horse-racing).

Easy, huh?

From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.bigpond.com>
Yes, it was wonderful stuff.
Try multiplying £1 7s 1d by 13, in your head, with a shop full of customers, on a busy Friday. Then give the correct change out of 2 £20 pound notes.
Or try 3.5lb of flour . £5 15s 7 1/2d per bushel in the same shop at the same time
These are easy examples of what happened all the time.
The staggering part is that this madness went on for nearly 2 thousand years, during which time Britain became head of the largest Empire the world has ever seen. I'm sure there is an idea for a political science thesis there.
GW DE Lacey
Whose liver and white English springer spaniel remembers the lady who wanted a kilometre of sausages during decimal change-over.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: apologies
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 14:09:51 +0000

Incontinentia Buttox's twin sister <Never_Read.email.com> writes
<explanation of simple straightforward Britcurrency snipped>
>Easy, huh?

And let's not forget:

£10 = a cockle
£25 = a pony
£100 = a ton (alt: a long'un)
£500 = a monkey
£1000 = a bag of sand

(This post generated purely in the interest of annoying ascii-challenged Americans. And just be thankful we're not discussing Euros)

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*---Oh, and "thrupenny bits" isn't currency, it's rhyming slang--

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sore Loser
From: yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman)
Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 04:04:17 GMT

~Steve-o wrote:
>>>>Who else here has had nightmares about a Rethulhu/Hook flame war?
>>>Steve-o has.
>>And posted them to RHOD.
>Are you done?

Why, am I turning golden brown?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ISO-8859-15 Latin-0: will the Euros be Pounds revisited?
From: "trog" <trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 07:32:37 -0000

RST wrote ...
> inter alia <
> Well, guess what the similar problem is in 8859-15?

You'll have to wait that long to get digested?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ISO-8859-15 Latin-0: will the Euros be Pounds revisited?
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 06:35:20 GMT

Nathan Sullivan said:
; -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
; The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity --
; the rest is overhead for the operating system.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The human mind runs under Windows!

Well, that would certainly explain why I have to shut down once a day, and why it take so long for me to boot up in the morning...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: More weirdness.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 20:04:54 +1100

Well, I was browsing the shelves just now, and chanced upon a tome entitled "The
Fact-A-Minute" book, which contains a "fact" for every single minute of the day,
beginning with 00:00 and finishing with 23:59.
Some excerpts..

  • 09:10 - A church in Toronto, Canada is called the St James Bond United Church.
    (Any of our resident Canucks live on Toronto?)
  • 13:13 - Women had to cover their ears in the Middle Ages.
    (Really? Why? All women? Everywhere? From birth onwards?)
  • 11:51 - King Gustav III of Sweden thought coffee was poisonous, and condemned a criminal to drink it until he died. The man drank a cup or two a day and lived to be eighty-three.
    (...and King Gustav III was *right*, but not in the way he thought he was.)
  • 10:17 - In 1740 a cow was found guilty of witchcraft and hung on the gallows.
    (I can't even *think* of a witty comment to go after that..)

That's it for now, I'm itching to know what effect this post will have.

From: "Rob Sharp" <internet.ora.cle.hotmail.com>

  • 10:56 - Newswerver makes biggest swerve to date and entirely misses post titled More weirdness (yet manages to keep up to date on todays Quincy, strangely enough)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 08:06:24 +1100

Petulantia Spliffbint wrote:
> Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
> > I suspect a number of factors affect what gets into the digest, but the biggest is probably the numbers of Oracularities that have to be sifted through these days. Picking the best 10 out of 100 is reasonably straight-forward and unlikely to lead to controversial choices; if it's 10 out of 1000 or more the choice starts to look random to most observers.
> I'd be intrigued to know what the actual ratio is. 10 in 1000 sounds a little high to me.

According to this week's figures, 18 active priests reviewed 585 oracularities and returned 17 (2.9%). Thus far, of the 312925 oracularities in the history of the Oracle, 4% have been published for an average vote of 3.02.

One day this sort of information will accidentally be radioed into space. Wiser and kinder beings than we, on a gentle planet circling a distant sun, will pick this up on their SEPI (Search for Extra-Planetary Idiocy) program and will order the destruction of this planet, with regret but no remorse.


From: Paul (brightredfish....)
Subject: Re: Thanks
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/02/01

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
>From time to time, I like to thank people who've given me good answers to my tellmes on the off chance they're reading in RHOD.
>I just had to say to the person who incarnated my fishing question that I actually had to get out my inhaler after reading the first line of your response. Thank you. If that doesn't make it to the digests I'm going to take Paul's frog hostage until it does.

S'long as you don't kiss him and turn him into the Prince Formerly Known as Frog, that's fine. Be careful when feeding him though, since he seems to think fingers are snack foods.

From: TechnoAtheist (technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com)
Subject: Re: Authors Seeking Publication
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/02/16

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
>Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
>>>Exactly. Glad I'm not the only one who's forged messages by clever cut and paste. Hell, most of the messages I've replied to here never even existed but you people never even noticed I was replying to made up people.
>>Have I mentioned lately the vast number of Animatronics that have escaped from (Euro)Disney(land/world)?
>Yeah, but they're easy to tell apart from *real* people because hey're always humming "Its a Small World."

Los Angeles, nineteen years from now...

A dark rain falls on a neon metropolis. I coast my spinner down past the Mitsubishi display and let it settle in at ground. They're out there somewhere.

There's a dangerous new breed of reps loose. This batch is from the EC. Almost impossible to tell'em from the various riffraff and punks in this sector.

I do a slow scan with my esper and spot a group milling about. They're sitting on barrels and talking, looking perfectly normal. I send a ready signal through the link and step out into the cold driving rain.

I stay on the far side of the street. Good, they haven't seen me.

There's only one thing that gives these reps away, and I give the signal. Traffic clears and a small open top car appears. Inside is a family of four dressed for much warmer and dryer weather. Metal bars hold them in their seats, but they have no intention of leaving the car. It moves a steady slow crawl, and the "Dad" takes a picture of the group.

"Ahhr, Fetch me rum! Jimmy, me boy!" cries out one of the target group. As he swings an empty mug back and forth. The others start singing "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest". They start moving in a regular pattern. On in the back leans back with his legs slowly kicking in the air. Another slowly swivels his head back and forth with a drunken look on his face.

My hunch was right. They're Disney alright.

I race across the street with my gun leveled at the closest. The empty shells make a light pinging on the asphalt as the bullets find their marks. A shower of sparks and synth-blood sprays over the corner.

"Ahhr, me boy-o! Time to die, matey." and then it was over.

From: TechnoAtheist (technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com)
Subject: Re: Good Question
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/02/29

Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>>beka_thomas.p4-term4-indy.netdirect.net (RST) wrote:
>>>Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>>>> Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>>>> > Also Sprach Mike Knell:
>>>> > Massage: <1995Mar25.002442.781.frink.demon.co.uk>
>>>> > Froom: mpk.frink.demon.co.uk (Mike Knell)
>>>> > On: 571 Sep 1993 00:00:00 GMT
>>>> Ummmmmmmmm..... did I enter a time warp or something? How does it get to be the 571st of September, 1993?
>>>> Viki
>>>> ...the *really* confused, ok, yes, you are correct, but I mean more than usual....
>>>ITHM 911 Sep 1997. That's today.
>>Yes, but it's not always today, issit?
>Oh yes, it most certainly is always today.

HA! But I am typing this in your future! And Ian, Screwtape and that lot are always a day ahead, so "today" is either a construct that is either greater than 24 hours long, or an arbitrary declaration of a period of existance. Therefore, your today is not my today and my today is either your yesterday or tomorrow.

Wait, sorry, my eyes have gone cross.

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