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2000 01

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Greetings from the 21st century
From: SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com>
Date: 31 Dec 1999 18:44:29 EST

<Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
>It is now 1:06 am, 1st January 2000. Greetings from the next millennium. The lights are still on.

Cool. So like does everybody have a flying car and live on the moon? Do you eat food from toothpaste-like tubes? Have they eradicated the RST virus?

SamIAm


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Tranim01.avi
From: Lionel <longword+usenet.newsguy.com>
Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2000 17:00:24 +0800

Noser the Fishless <pshaughn.mediaone.net> said:
>TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> wrote:
>> >Donald Welsh wrote:
>> >> And I don't even *have* a little dog Toto!
>> >Hey, mister. Are you tall?
>> You must be the WIZZZZAAARD
>> the wizard of AAAAAHHHHHZZZZZ
>> Tell me the answer oh wizard!
>> great wizard, because....
>Pervert.

That's *Pervect* thankyouverymuch, pal.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: They're on to you...
From: cclovis.mindspring.com (Cici in Texas)
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2000 06:03:31 GMT

From the fingertips of Nathan Sullivan on 12 Dec 1999 00:20:24 -0800 came:
> I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.

Try the one marked "Off."

Cici <works great on -my- TV, anyway> in Texas


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I've never seen anything like it
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2000 07:48:46 -0800

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
>While idling wondering if the Pakmara can really do that, Louella said:
>; Henriette Kress
>; > Riprock <riprock.kscable.com> wrote:
>; > >Tell us what we REALLY want to know, Henriette... did anyone get naked?!?
>; > Outside, you mean? In -10 deg. C? Noooo.
>; There were streakers in Central Park. 'Course, it was about 1 C here.
>Central Park has reached the speed of light?

Well, I believe the streakers had.

They certainly seemed blue-shifted...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ashtabula Razor
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2000 20:51:12 GMT

In article <slrn87219a.8qq.dmacks.mail1.sas.upenn.edu>, Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>gnohmon8715.my-deja.com <gnohmon8715.my-deja.com> said:
>>Shavian?
>And a hair-cutian.
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are Burmaian

Now that you mention it, RHOD _is_ remarkably like a surreal series of Burma-Shave signs. I propose that cascades be killed not by the usual bitching and moaning, but by simply adding the words "Burma Shave" at the end. That way we all know we've reached the end of that group of signs, and we can move on.

It's not really like Godwin's law, the problem with cascades is that we don't know when we've reached the end.

Alternatively, just abbreviate it to "BS", which is usually accurate enough anyway.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm bored
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 03 Jan 2000 20:57:29 GMT

In article <84r086$nlh$1.nnrp1.deja.com>, gnohmon8715.my-deja.com wrote:
> "Roxanne" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> Post something people!
>> Roxanne isn't feeling as frisky as she could...
>I'll tell you a story.
>Once upon a time in a kingdom far away there lived a little girl who was very sad because she didn't feel frisky so she asked the oracle to tell her a story and the Oracle said,

"You don't look frisky either, but then most people are actually pleased to not look like cat food, so I wouldn't worry about it. You owe the Oracle your tender vittles."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dromedary
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 04:25:54 GMT

Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
> SamIAm wrote:
>>SamIAm two days into a new job and already thinking of looking again
>Why not just kill(file) your boss?

Yeah, and here's how: Walk into his office, and start shaking your hands wildly to simulate asterisks. Then shout "PLONK" as loud as you can. Then leave, and don't ever listen to a word he says again. That'll show him.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: POTRZEBIE (was: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1134-04)
From: "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net>
Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 12:37:07 -0600

Teh [tie:poe] wrote:
>Sodomites, over there against Teh wall.

Can I be behind them?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: POTRZEBIE (was: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1134-04)
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 06 Jan 2000 15:18:52 GMT

On Mon, 03 Jan 2000 21:31:48 -0600, latebird.usa.net (Ben) wrote:
><SamIAm.hotbot.com> wrote:
>>-<ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net> wrote:
>>->Henriette Kress wrote:
>>->> cclovis.mindspring.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
>>->> >Surely that's a literary illusion.
>>->> And when you throw it away it's a littering literary illusion.
>>->But if it's a small one then it'd be a little littering literary illusion.
>>-And if it's by itself then it'd be a lone little littering literary illusion.
>Run some lightning through it and get a living lone little littering literary illusion.

Do this on the mirage-like islands in the Bering Strait, and you have a living lone little littering literary optical Aleutian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: POTRZEBIE (was: Re: Internet Oracularities Digest #1134-04)
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Jan 2000 00:44:13 GMT

Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> said:
[whatever]
>This is getting kinda weird.

You're new here, aren't you.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies make, milligram for milligram, the lowest understatements of any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Seriously, you guys...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2000 20:18:01 -0800

Noser the Fishless <pshaughn.mediaone.net> wrote:
>"Paul" wrote:
>> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:

>> >Jeffrey Kaplan schrieb:

>> >> A A A
>> >> | | | | | |
>> >> __| |_| |_| |___nnnnnn_____----____-===-----
>> >> _ __/--| |-| |-| |---~~~-------~~~---\==/~~\.
>> >>O=|-|OOOOO--<=X===X===X=>-| | |-----| | |> HHK |
>> >> ~ ~~\--| |-| |-| |---___-------___---/==\__/'
>> >> | | | | | |
>> >> | | | | | |
>> >> V V V

>> >That's a funny looking pencil. Where's the eraser?
>> <Obiwan> That's no pencil. It's a SPACE PENIS.</Obiwan>
>Who's Iwan and how was that obligatory?

I believe that's Ian's name in Chinese.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: USENET, tin and string for spies!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 6 Jan 2000 00:34:13 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
>An infinite group of monkeys claiming to be Donald Welsh wrote:
>>"Nobody Knows" <dmparker.usa.net> wrote:
>>>about a block from my house behind a wharehouse
>>Is that a combination warehouse and whorehouse?
>>-- D. "Best little wharehouse in Texas" W.
>Hmm, I keep getting this mental image of a Home Depot run by prostitutes.

Strangest store I've ever seen...they're not hiring, but any customer can get a job. And there's a lot to buy, but the racks are bare.

>I'd like these boards, this hammer, and some screws...

I don't know where the boards are, but I think you can get a hummer or screw in any aisle you want.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like the floor stripper


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Language Errors
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 00:37:34 -0500

On Fri, 7 Jan 2000, Paul wrote:
} "Mike Jewell" <Mike.Jewell.ukgateway.net> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
} >> 7. "Fishing" is the act of trying to catch fish. "Fisting" is not. Both may well involve two men doing something they enjoy together, and for all I know there may be such a thing as a "fisting pole", but it's safe to say that these activities would not be confused by most people.
} >I won't even ask what a fisting Rod is...
} I recently took up fly-fisting.

You must have awfully small fists.

JIM, either that or you've got a relationship with Jeff Goldblum I don't want to know about.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And another thing!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Jan 2000 00:09:43 GMT

Roxanne <ten.asu.rekrapmd> said:
>TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>> An cross dressing group of monkeys claiming to be "Roxanne" wrote:
>> >Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>> >> you were nekkid?
>> >I know I am, anyone want a GIF?
>> NO! Take it back!
>> FIG! FIG!
>Oh come on! You notice no one has asked me my measurements since I became Roxanne, aren't you horny little boys interested in women?

I'd just assumed you were still 2 inches long with a ring at the end.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies can play baseball with their hands behind their back


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And another thing!
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Jan 2000 00:29:24 GMT

Paul <brightredfish.mindspring.com> said:
>"Roxanne" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>>Paul <brightredfish.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>> "Roxanne" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>>> >Oh come on! You notice no one has asked me my measurements since I became Roxanne, aren't you horny little boys interested in women?
>>> Well yeah, but who wants margarine when there's butter?
>>What the hell is that suppose to mean? Is that some kind of crack about my greasy skin?
>Margarine is to Butter as Fake Women are to Real Women.

"I Can't Believe It's Not DumpCaret"?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies don't want to know what's in the spread


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: #1135-07
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Fri, 07 Jan 2000 12:09:43 GMT

Karen bravely attempted to detach the electrodes of knowledge from the nipples of ignorance by saying:
>"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" wrote:
>> Karen wrote:
>> >Never. My end is, "Is the phone cord plugged in? Which jack is it plugged in to? Sir, right and left has no meaning to me. There should be a label...." or "You *do* have a modem, sir, right??"
>> After reading tech tales, I wouldn't be so quick to ask *that*question, either. An awful lot of people seem to think that the modem is the big box on the floor. The computer is, of course, the box you look at.
>Very good point. Very often I've heard it that way. Then of course you tell them to hit the power button on the computer, wait a few seconds then turn it back on, and it all looks the same, error message and all. That's when I start using the words "big grey box where you put your cd's and floppies in"

I was speaking to a second cousin who is apparently the most computer literate person on his kibbutz and was put in charge of the server when they connected to the web, I asked what OS it ran and he replied Linux which led me to comment about his mother being Ruth Roth and him now being root Roth [it sounds better in Israeli, we pronounce "th" as "t"], and he asked if the person in charge is always called root, I answered in the affirmative and he then asked if the password was always 12345.

Anyone want an anonymous web connection/email? Teh price is right!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Eggdrop Soup
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 07:45:47 -0600

Riprock wrote:
} Viki, first you complain no one's asked your measurements. I oblige. THEN you complain about no one believing you. No wonder I'm still single... I just don't see the logic ;)

*Shhh* Come over here a second, Rip. Away from where we can be heard. Good. Now, listen carefully.
<voice mode=loud>
Go on about your business citizens. Nothing to see here.
<voice mode=whisper>
It's not about what *you* want, it's about what *they* want. She just wanted someone to ask. Your mistake was that you didn't think of doing it without prompting, so, of course you're not going to get an answer. Got it? Good. Now, don't press the issue or you'll slip down another notch.
</voice>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: OBJECTION!
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sat, 08 Jan 2000 16:44:48 GMT

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>Daniel E. Macks schrieb:
>>called "Paul Kelly's Lyrics Index". Who knew Paul had a stunt-double ("web double"?) in 'Straya...
>Yeah. Someone told me that Paul Kelly sang at the NYE concert in Darling Harbour this year, and I got very depressed that he didn't at least send me a letter or something..

Sorry. Here:

d


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: OBJECTION!
From: Drew Gillmore <d_gillmore.hotmail.com>
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 16:10:05 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> On Mon, 10 Jan 2000, Drew Gillmore wrote:
> } > } Does that mean they can be found driving a Dodge Omni?
> } > Of course. As we all know, "Omni" comes from the Greek meaning "Colt".
> } > JIM, been waiting 8 years to use that joke
> } Hrm.
> } Put it back, Jim. I don't think it's done yet.
> Jeez, that's gonna hurt...

Ah. That's why we've got this Astroglide, and that failing, consider this handy-dandy tub of Butter Flavored Crisco. Consider this Spatula.

> JIM, and after I got it all clean and shiny, too...

Clean jokes just aren't _in_, ya know? You gotta get wit da times, lay back a little. Let them raunchy one-liners fly. _That's_ what gets the attention of today's kids. They're fed up with Elmo and all the cutesy things. They're watching the Simpsons, and South Park. It's all about girlfriends dressing up the boyfriends in nail gloss and lipstick, makin' 'em scream "OH BABY, PADDLE ME HARDER!!!"

It's a new day and age, Jim. No one cares how much a grecian urns, or a chicken weighs. Shock value! It's all about shock value!

Hey.

Don't mention it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Still another obituary
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Jan 2000 17:28:07 GMT

Paul <brightredfish.mindspring.com> said:
>Alas, friends, the South American ornamental horned frog has gone on to his greater glory.

ITYM "has gone south"

> His death was the result of a curious cat and a bathtub full of water.

So curiousity didn't kill the cat, but the frolicking feline fried the frog?

> The cat knocked the frog's plastic terrarium into the tub, the terrarium sank, and the frog drowned. Three crickets also succumbed in the accident.

Fortunately, no spidahs were harmed in the making of this post.
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies support PETSAohf


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Still another obituary
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 09:30:53 -0800

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul ) wrote:
>Alas, friends, the South American ornamental horned frog has gone on to his greater glory. His death was the result of a curious cat and a bathtub full of water. The cat knocked the frog's plastic terrarium into the tub, the terrarium sank, and the frog drowned. Three crickets also succumbed in the accident.

Ye-gads, IT'S THE CURSE OF THE RHOD SIG!

First it was brSff, then Babylon 5, now your frog, I tell you, something is out to destroy items mentioned in our sigs.

At least GW's wEss only had a brush with death, but things do not bode well for sexy farm machinery, Willy Wonka, and the CIA.

My condolances to you, your daughter and your frog.

Will it be an open lid ceremony or will you close it before you flush?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Still another obituary
From: Rich Churcher <churchmouse.mpx.com.au>
Date: 12 Jan 2000 14:23:11 +1100

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) writes:
> latebird.usa.net (Ben) attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> >brightredfish.mindspring.com wrote:
> >>-Alas, friends, the South American ornamental horned frog has gone on to his greater glory. His death was the result of a curious cat and a bathtub full of water. The cat knocked the frog's plastic terrarium into the tub, the terrarium sank, and the frog drowned. Three crickets also succumbed in the accident.
> >My condolences. Why was the horned frog sitting near a bathtub, anyway?
> Oh great, there you go. I knew it would happen. In the midst of my grief, someone has to make the "gentle" hint that perhaps this was a case of negligence, rather than just a simple calamity. Alright then. I'm willing to stand trial for my crimes...although if you guys are willing to reduce the charge from amphibicide to involuntary frogslaughter, I might be willing to plea bargain. I'll need to speak to my lawyer.

Given that the frog was South American (not to mention world famous), you may have to fight extradition. I suggest you blame the entire accident on a Y2K failure in your cat's microchip ID, which of course as a responsible cat owner you had injected at your local humane society. The frog's relatives sue the chip's manufacturer's insewerants company, and everybody's happy. Except the frog, of course.

--
Cheers,
Rich (uh-oh, mentioned myself in my sig. Luckily, I don't currently live with a cat... would you excuse me? There seems to be something scratching, gently scratching at my chamber door.

"Yes?"

<meaningful upward gaze, heavy with scorn>

"Oh. I see... yes, well actually I'm rather busy -"

<Nevermore>

"Look, my lease specifically forbids pets of any kind!"

<Nevermore>

"Get thee back into the hallway and the building's parquet floor!"

<Nevermore *yawn* *stretch*>

It figures. He sits, replete, on the dusty row of shelving -
That strategic row of shelving above refrigerator door
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
Any moment could be leaping to the lino-covered floor,
Any moment could be eating - will he ever finish eating?
Quoth the kitty -

<Nevermore>

"Prophet! Thing of evil - prophet still, if cat or devil -
Whether Santa sent, or whether RSPCA tossed thee here ahore,
Tell this soul with jaundice laden, if said amphibia-yden,
If the frog was killed by sig-file, e'er he passed through bathroom door,
Could the sig-file thus have slain him, trapped behind the bathroom door?"
Quoth the kitty -

<blank stare>

"Be that stare our sign in parting, cat or fiend!," I shrieked, upstarting -
"Your gazes are indifference to the humans you abhor!
Leave no hairball as a token of the house rules you have broken!
Leave the curtains where they are and leave the paintwork on the door!
Take your claw from *out* my thigh and through the doorway you shall soar!"
Quoth the kitty -

<Nevermore>

Anyone want to buy an apartment in Westmead, New South Wales?
Going cheap, close to all the hospitals. Must like animals.)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Lazarus the Frog & Cats
From: Barry O'Neill <abuse.londo.freeuk.com>
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 23:47:17 -0000

latebird.usa.net says...
> clemenr.westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement) wrote:
> >-: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
> >-: >>He wasn't breathing.
> >-: >Apparently they do that.
> >-I've heard that there is a species of fish which whiles away the winter months by the following form of hibernation. It freezes solid. Come spring it thaws out and continues on its merry way.
> There are many species of frogs that do the same in ponds here in north america, and there are some that burrow into mud before the temporary ponds dry up in Africa.

Nature sure is wonderful. So how do the North Merkin frogs know about the state of these temporary ponds in Africa? CNN?

B


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The Green Eye of the Yellow Oracle
From: Richard.molerat.demon.co.uk (Richard Wilson)
Date: Thu, 13 Jan 00 17:40:43 GMT

Hmmm, two weeks into the Age of Aquarius already, and I have yet to post anything. No wonder people forget I'm around.

BTAIM, are you still lurking out there, Alyce? In the absence of a digest mention, howsabout a rhodpome instead?

<Aaaah-HEM!>

Mad Tim Chew
by J Molerat Hayes

There's a shiny marble temple in the grounds of Indy U.
There's a little wooden cross next to the hall:
There a brokenhearted woman tends the grave of Mad Tim Chew,
And the Oracle, as ever, knows it all.

He was known as Mad Tim Chew by the priests, for they all knew
He was a few processors short of an array;
But he did nobody harm, and he had a certain charm,
As fair Alyce Wilson noticed one fine day.

He had loved her all along with the passion of the strong,
And she admired him all men above
But she told him he would need to perform some noble deed
To prove that he was worthy of her love.

He asked her straight what brave deed she would like from Mad Tim Chew:
She thought about it for an hour or more;
And jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do
But he set his answer load at least to four.

Dark spots danced before his eyes, Mad Tim Chew reeled in surprise.
Most priests this challenge rash would have declined;
For the answers, as a rule, are composed of wombat drool,
And exposure to them can derange the mind.

He recalled that Strayan bold, who by some was Darkmage called,
Who had once upon a time, just for a lark,
Set his load status to two; kept it there a whole month through,
And is now firmly convinced he's Joan of Arc.

Yet he set his chin and told her he would see this dread thing through;
She laughed at him as she walked out the door.
Then he emailed Stephen Kinzler saying, "This is Mad Tim Chew,
Will you kindly set my load status to four."

In the blinking of an eye, Tim Chew's in-tray was piled high
With oracularities of every shape;
They were uniformly dire, and poor Tim feared he'd expire,
For from reading them there was now no escape.

When fair Alyce thought upon this cold-hearted thing she'd done,
As the world descended into evening gloom;
She was worried in case he had taken her too seriously,
So she swiftly made her way back to his room.

His door was open wide, with silver moonlight shining through.
The place was wet and slippery where she strode;
For the floor and walls were covered with the brains of Mad Tim Chew,
Which the strain had caused to violently explode.

There's a shiny marble temple in the grounds of Indy U.
There's a little wooden cross next to the hall:
There a brokenhearted woman tends the grave of Mad Tim Chew,
And the Oracle, as ever, knows it all.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*---*-*-Still carrying on up the Khyber--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1141-01 (inc)
From: Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 13:47:49 -0500

On Fri, 14 Jan 2000, Kevin Kelley wrote:
} Hey, wow, cool! I am apparently no longer indigestible. Must be the oregano <groan>.
} Actually I'm kinda surprised that one made it: it felt forced. I know there's some humor to be pulled out of it but didn't think I actually got it.
} Still don't, actually, but hey! ya only gotta fool one priest!

Actually I liked it. Short, got to the point. Smelled like elderberries. Gave it a 4, I recollect.

} Kevin "after all these barren years, _that_ went in? Hmmph. Some promised land" Kelley

That's what *she* said!

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Am I Still Evil?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 15 Jan 2000 06:44:15 -0500

On Sat, 15 Jan 2000, Screwtape wrote:
} Paul schrieb:
} >Drew Gillmore <d_gillmore.hotmail.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
} >>But thank ye kindly for the heads up.
} >Far too much personal information, oh evil one.
} *sigh*
} I've just come back from a pleasant week where everyone called *me* the evil one. It's a hard title to relinquish.

We could ease you into the transition, if you like. Call you "Malevolent One" for a bit, then "Occaisionally Cross One", then ease you into "Irritable-Before-His-Coffee One" and finally "Mr. Sunshine".

JIM, the dishevelled one


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ON TOPIC QUESTION
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 21:16:15 -0800

lots42.aol.comaol.com. (And knowing is half the battle) wrote:
>You ever become like really addicted and answer so many Oracle questions that they start running out of questions?

No, but we'll be dropping by shortly anyway. Do us a favor and stand quivering in the tub, it'll be easier to clean up the mess afterwards.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ben's Tagline (was Re: Reinhold Messner)
From: steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o)
Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 02:51:17 GMT

We had to call the management because latebird.usa.net (Ben) was shouting:
>Imagine that CRAY decides to make a personal computer. It contains 16 Alpha based processors executing in parallel, has 2 gigabytes of RAM, 100 gigabytes of disk storage, a resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, does 24 bit 3D graphics in realtime, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What is the first question the computer community asks?
>"Is it DOS compatible?"

My first thought was "Man, imagine the quality of porn you could get."

~Steve-o


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Injokes
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 06:25:46 GMT

On 04 Jan 2000 13:42:55 -0800, Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
>Oddly enough, there was little interest from the cellists.
>--Nathan "What's wrong with them?" Sullivan

They have between their legs an instrument that can give pleasure to many.

-- D. "A pity that they can only scratch it." W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 20:26:28 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>>Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>>>The antipodal Sara M wrote:
>>>} I'm not sure what swirlies are...
>>>A form of humiliation employed usually by more than one bully. The intended victim is held inverted over a WC and lowered while simultaneously activating the flushing mechanism. The result is a clockwise spiral hairstyle, except down under where it would be anti-clockwise.
>>That's a myth. Australians do not, in fact, have any hair, so the counterclockwise motion of the water does not give them swirlies.
>Wow.
>Elle Macpherson has some of the best shaped dandruff I've ever seen!

And all this time I thought she had acute angina.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 08:29:24 -0800

Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net> wrote:
>Lane Gray, Czar Castic, a beast of pure hatred with purpose malign, wrote:
>> Screwtape wrote in message ...
>>>Screwtape,
>>>...who has wunnerful long black curly hair down past his shoulders - further if you straighten it.
>> dirty blond down about 1/2way down my back, below the bottom of my shoulder blades.
>Yup. Straighten mine out (wavy, not curly) and it'll even hit the small of my back...

Well, straighten mine out and it reaches a good quarter inch from my scalp!

wait, it is straight.

dang.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Marine Fun World
From: tph.acm.org (Tom "Tom" Harrington)
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 17:07:07 GMT

In article <87wvp3vw8q.fsf.shampoo.pants.nu>, Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>Viki <thevidts.stargate.net> writes:
>> Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>> > Burma Shave.
>> Hey, I know that I'm new here, but, can the cascade cop *do* that? Or is he just like all lawmen, and just does whatever he wants to for the halibut....
>Well, as it happens, I *can* do whatever I want, as Steve-o said. In this case, however, I'm still performing my duties.
>You see, "Burma Shave" is an experimental cascadeicide, developed by a mad genius named Tom Harrington, though everyone just calls him "Tom". Normally, of course, there would have to be clinical trials and wildlife risk analyses done before using something like this in public. Fortunately, I don't give a rat's ass about RHOD wildlife, so I'm just tossing it out there to see what happens.

RHOD is already so polluted that environmental regulations were relaxed in this case. I did however test out "Burma Shave" on a simulated RHOD for approximately 20 million posts (i.e. I simulated about 2 weeks) and it seemed effective.

BTW, SimRHOD will be the next cool game in the "Sim" series, and will be available later this spring for demented weirdos everywhere.

>It seems to be working pretty well, although its effectiveness seems to diminish as the cascade grows longer, due to spontaneous regrowth on earlier posts. But, an early attack seems to be quite effective. I believe this would qualify as a successful trial run. Excellent.
>--Nathan "Cascade Cop, beginning mass production" Sullivan

Woo Hoo! I have given birth to my own in-joke! Now, to deal with the resulting stretch marks...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Newbie Question
From: surfbaud.waverider.co.uk.allyourclothes (Dave Hemming)
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 22:27:40 +0000

"Matt K." <matt.outer-NOT.com> wrote:
[snip welsh]
>Are you going to enter the contest? 8) I've been practising, but I'm not that good yet. Having some trouble with the "ll" sound,

It's pronounced, "eleven".
HTH!

Dave


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: SamIAm <SamIAm.hotbot.com>
Date: 22 Jan 2000 02:47:49 EST

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>>The fingers of ~Steve-o did thusly type:
>>>(Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>>>>>Somehow I doubt that our ancestral "fight or flight" comes in to play when hunting vegetables.
>>>>That's not funny. One of my best friends was killed by a carrot stampede. Stabbed right through, 47 times, and the carrots scarcely slowed down.
>>>Now, you're talking about those untaimed, wild carrots. They get spooked and there's no stopping them.
>>>Reminds me of the great celery drives of '57. Back when Montany was wide open country and, except for the Cheyenne, a man could russle up a thousand head of broccoli and take em north and make a fortune.
>>How did you defend yourself against the wild lettuce back then?
>Lettuce!? They was nuthin but a bunch of wusses. I tell you-uns it was the watercress that turned our bones to jelly. I 'member a time when ol' Slim Clem Fafaahr pert-near drownded hisself, tryin' ta rope up a passel o' them watercresses. Damn things wuz madder'n Brussels sprouts in a bamboo steamer, and twicet as mean as a oak tree that's been half chewed up by beavers. Slim Clem only got outa that crick 'cause the rest o' us tater-pokes distracted the watercresses with a bottle o' Newman's Own salad dressing. That skeered 'em a bit, an' Slim Clem slipped away. He still got scars all over his butt where he got all chewed up. Leastways that's what he says. I ain't never seed his butt, if'n that's what you're wonderin.

But there is nothing scarier than a rabid cucumber. The thing is that they are nocturnal. And the last thing you want is wake up in the middle of the night and find one of them crawling up your pant leg. Happened to a range rider friend of mine once. He always walked real peculiar like after that. And he would never go to San Francisco. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about.

SamIAm sleeping with the lights on tonight


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: NolanNoSpam.wilmington.net (Nol Smi)
Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 16:03:15 GMT

trog <trog.zoom.co.uk> wrote:
> GW De Lacey wrote:
>> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net> slowly scratched on a clay tablet:
>> >GW De Lacey wrote:
>> >>And it started as such a good week.
>> >>Except for the weather of course - 42C today. Yuk!
>> >Tell me I am not the only one tempted to throw in a "And Spits by Ground!!"
>> So there you have it.
>> An innocent remark about the weather is mistaken for a bad translation of a bad French joke about a bodily fluids emitting French truck driver who thinks a tiny 2CV is totally incapable of pulling his great big truck from the bog and the joke has no punch line to speak of so we are left wondering whether David slew Goliath or what.
>Shirley not. IIRC the reason he spits by ground is 'cos the 2CV pulled the truck out and the driver had to "faire un pipe" as his side of the bargain.

I was in Paris Wednesday in a taxi on the way back from the the big, tall metal thing. I was with a driver who spoke no english whatsoever. I spent 10 minutes trying to tell him that I wanted to go to the Hilton at Charles DeGaull. He'd say <French accent> Charles DeGaull? </French> I'd say "Hilton." He'd say <French accent> Hilton? </French> I'd say "Oui, at Charles DeGaull" He'd say <French accent> Charles DeGaull? </French> I'd say "Hilton." He'd say <French accent> Hilton? </French> I'd say "Oui, at Charles DeGaull"...

Finally I said "Putian de 2CV." You shoulda seen the look on his face.

Nol "no faire un pipe" Smi


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 16:16:10 GMT

Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>The antipodal Sara M wrote:
>} I'm not sure what swirlies are...
>A form of humiliation employed usually by more than one bully. The intended victim is held inverted over a WC and lowered while simultaneously activating the flushing mechanism. The result is a clockwise spiral hairstyle, except down under where it would be anti-clockwise.

That's a myth. Australians do not, in fact, have any hair, so the counterclockwise motion of the water does not give them swirlies.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 08:27:23 -0800

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Tom "Tom" Harrington schrieb:
>>In article <388a069e.2349098.news.metro.net>, ~Steve-o wrote:
>>>In a leather pouch, like in the movie "Quest for Fire." It stays warm, although it has the odd habit of scorching the other presents under the tree.
>>Not to mention setting the tree on fire, eh?
>I keep my tree set on "stun".

I can envision the Screwtape household now. The family gathered about filled
with holiday spirit.

<singing>
Oh Christmas <*FWOP*> oH CHrisTMas <*FWOP*> thou TreE Most <*FWOP*> and <*FWOP*>ly...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Random Things
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 15:28:04 GMT

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.bigpond.com> wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> slowly scratched on a clay tablet:
>>Just turn on the sprinkler and let her play in it, she'll be much happier.
>>Smellier, but happier.
>Ah yes, and Sami is a very friendly dog.

Nothing like having some bitch shove her face in your crotch first time you meet her.

-- D. "What, doesn't that happen where you live?" W.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And another thing!
From: Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com>
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 01:28:33 -0600

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>>>cclovis.mindspring.com (Cici in Texas) wrote:
>>>>Paul, c'mere a minute. No, a little closer.
>>>>Closer.
>>>>*THWAP!*
>>>Oh goody! I've been invited to a thwap meet with Thithi in Tekthath!
>>Yeah, it's a motorthycle thwap meet. You want me to thign you up for the drag rathes?
>You a little thlow, Thithi. That methage wath almotht three weekth old.

No, I'm a whole LOT thlow. But thingth are getting better and gueth what? I got a new puter! Thingth will be a lot better now, I bet!

>Nektht time you thould thtrive to thtay up to date with the retht of the folkth around here, and potht in a more timely fathion. Anywayth, thure, I'd love to go to a motorthycle thwap meet. Can I bring the mithuth? The'd love to thee me in a drag rathe, ethpethially if I get to wear her high heelth.

Oh, thure, bring everybody. Aren't you gonna wear anything -bethideth- the mithuth's high heelth? Thith may be Texath (oh, I'm gonna die for that one) but it'th thtill winter. You might freeze off thomething . . . important.

You know, like your toeth.

Cici <or thomething like that> in Texas (I can't do that twice)


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: And another thing!
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 22:03:28 -0800

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>What about those famous six-foot Houston roaches?

They prefer to be called Insect-Americans


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 25 Jan 2000 02:17:02 GMT

Andrew Comeau <acomeauNO.SPAMmfi.net> said:
>Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>> Andrew Comeau wrote:
>> } TechnoAtheist wrote:
>> } > Whenever I see someone with a pierced tongue I keep getting the image of threading pasta through it.
>> } For any specific purpose ... or just for general mischeif ? .....
>> Raw or cooked?
>For that matter ... spaghetti or angel hair?

A lasagna.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have a second epiglottis


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 20:38:03 -0800

days_and_nights.my-deja.com (M. Devonshire) wrote:
>Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>> On 24 Jan 2000, Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>> } Unfortunately, the Aspire will *definitely* not attract buff-lookin' dudes. For that, you need a Corvette or possibly a Ferrari. Guys like big muscle and/or exotic cars.
>> Maybe she prefers to attract the nebbishy type.
>It doesn't really matter, since I can't drive.
>But if I could, what sort of car should I get to attract geekboys?
>E.

One with large breasts.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: "Andrew Comeau" <acomeauNO.SPAMmfi.net>
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 17:08:42 -0500

Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> JIM, of course, I like Going Fast too, but those cars are either too expensive or too much work or both

My last car was a '85 Mercury Marquis which started to get neurotic around 60 mph. After trading it, a friend and I were joking about NASCAR over e-mail and I came up with the following list ....

*** Thoughts that go through your mind at 200 MPH in a Merc Marqis ***

  • I MUST be dreaming. The body should have disintegrated long ago ...
  • Wow, at 150, the rattle actually disappeared!
  • I didn't know this seat had a massage feature ...
  • Dang, wish I'd brought my sunglasses - that engine light is bright!
  • Well, since I'm here, let's try for 205...
    201 ...
    202 ...
    203 ...
    *WHAAAMMM!* Uh-oh that didn't sound good ... gee those are some pretty gates ahead.
  • The neat thing is that in this car - no cop would ever stop me for this speed. He'd check himself into Charter before writing up the report.
  • What's that tingling sensation ... oh, must be the wiring.
  • You know, "The China Syndrome" really WAS a neat movie ....
  • Wow! Watching all the paint strip off at 160 was REALLY NEAT!

Of course, he responded with a few things that would have to happen for the car to get to that speed ...

  • Gee, what are the odds of catching a tailwind off a tornado, driving down a five-mile, 45-degree grade, THEN missing the turn and going over a cliff?!
  • Ya know, as long as you're wearing your SPF 2 million, setting off a small nuclear device in the trunk of your car ain't a bad way to boost acceleration!
  • (Two seconds after igniting the JATO unit:) So THIS is what it feels like to win the Darwin Award! Hey, I'm airborne!

Andrew


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 13:19:06 GMT

Tim Chew wrote:
>I walked to the grocery store, today. I now have beer. One cool thing is, the world is my refrigerator.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but I think your fridge's thermostat in the Tel Aviv area is broke.

I hope it's still under warranty, I shudder to think how much Teh technician's bill would come to.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: "ken.and.alison.adams" <ken.and.alison.adams.worldnet.att.net>
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 15:17:01 -0500

Jim Evans wrote:
> <plug> Actually, why not read episodes 1 to 3 of "The Files of Hydrogen Guy"? Join Hydrogen Guy and Deuterium Boy as they face quantum mechanical menace from a maniacal insurance company and the evil twin brother of a charismatic ex-Prime Minister, in "The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle". The exciting conclusion in Episode 4, coming this Monday. </plug>

I've read Episode 4. I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much that I just have to tell you all the ending. I'll put in a bit of spoiler space for those of you who want to wait.

<snipped really huge spoiler space>

You know, before I tell you the ending of "The Fiendish Fermion Fandangle," I should probably explain how I came to be in possession of this forbidden knowledge. I was cruising through RHOD one day, just minding my own business, when I happened upon a link to Episode 1, and almost died laughing as I read it. I came so close to dying, in fact, that I had an out of body experience. I followed the electron trail through the internet, looking for the secret home of The JIM Experience. I knew I was close when the first router inside the Cananananadian border held me up until there was enough CanCon built up to allow me in. Once past the roadblock, I easily found my way to Jim's PC, where he was getting ready to post Episode 2. I pushed a few electrons around to fool him into thinking that he had deleted the links to the remaining episodes, waited until he had completed his upload, then zipped on home.

Once I was back in my body, it was a simple matter to finish reading the entire story. So there you have it. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, the ending... here's a little more spoiler space.

<snipped more really huge spoiler space>

In the end, the good guys escape, foil the plot, and do a little exposition to explain how they figured it out. Surprised, huh?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: Anonymous Rhoddite <anonrhod.server.nowherenearottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 12:17:45 -0500

On Sun, 30 Jan 2000, ken.and.alison.adams wrote:
} In the end, the good guys escape, foil the plot, and do a little exposition to explain how they figured it out. Surprised, huh?

Positively brilliant. The author is obviously a genius of the first order. I eagerly await future "Hydrogen Guy" episodes. I heartily agree with Ken's unsolicited testimonial.

-- Anonymous Rhoddite


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Explaining my absense.. abscess?
From: Pjim <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 12:20:03 -0500

Comrade Paul wrote:
} Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
} >Also Sprach Paul:
} >> My scores don't quite reflect it, but you can tell by my formatting that I'm a rebel.
} >Aren't you s'posed to yell when you yell that?
} Yebbut nobody really knows what a rebel yell sounded like, just that it frightened the bejesus out of the Yankees who heard it.

It's a rebel L,
It goes "Luh Luh Luh"

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: wiring question
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 21:40:13 -0500

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zum.mwis.net> wrote:
>Kevin, where would you look if you were to try to find out why a bedroom is no longer getting any power?

*Cue clarinet/piano theme music*
Steve: Hi and welcome to "This Old RHOD", I'm Steve Thomas.
Norm: And I'm Norm Ahbrams.
Steve: And welcome to week 24 of the Lane Gray project. You'll remember that last week the blizzard hit. Norm did the outside shingling while I paid a visit to Jamaica to find the best quality of sand for Lane's catbox.
Norm: (slightly annoyed) I certainly remembered that.
Steve: This week we're going to look at wiring troubles that have been plaguing the Gray's bedroom.
Norm: While I'll be finishing up the cabinets using my occilating drum sander.
Steve: I understand that Mrs. Ahbrams loves that one.
Norm: You bet Steve. Sometimes it's quite a struggle to pull her off of it.
Steve: But that's later in the show. For now, let's talk to Kevin our electrical consultant. What seems to be the problem here?
Kevin: Well, we have a short somewhere in the walls, and we're having problems getting the flow started again.
Steve: Flow?
Kevin: Yeah, Electricity tends to get blocked up in some wiring and sometimes needs to be helped along.
Steve: Really? Well, do you bang on the walls or something?
Kevin: Well, that could damage the walls. We prefer to siphon it.
Steve: Isn't that dangerous?
Kevin: No, not always.
Steve: Well what can I do to help.
Kevin: Well... Here.. take this lead. First we strip the wires, down like so, pull the grounding wire over the top and hold it in place, now start sucking on the white lead. Anything? You might feel a bit of a tingle on your tongue when power starts. It's a little like testing a nine volt...
*pop*
Norm: Wow, you were right Kevin, he was stupid.
Kevin: Anytime Norm.
Norm: Here's that $50. Next week on This Old RHOD we'll look at plumbing and concrete construction.
Kevin: And how to remove burn patterns from flooring.
Norm: Right you are Kevin. We'll see you then.
*Cue clarinet/piano theme music*


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The RHOD FAQ (was Re: Newbie Question)
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 28 Jan 2000 00:17:23 GMT

~Steve-o <steveo.moonman.com> said:
>twchew.raspberry.mindspring.com (Tim Chew) wrote:
>>>>Nope. The RHOD FAQ can be found at http://homepage.mac.com/unclejesse/rhod-faq.html
>>Wow! Now I know where to find the FAQ.
>I actually downloaded the whole thing from the Indiana GOPHER server. It's a 879k text file, but after TARing, ZIPing, and binary swapping, I got it down to 11k.

That's an awful lot of hoops to jump through. I took the full version and was able to get it down to 0K in a single step by simply rm'ing it.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think Lempel is a pansy


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some thngs need to be said
From: Jim Evans <jevans.science.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 12:55:43 -0500

On Mon, 24 Jan 2000, Jason Willoughby wrote:
} Jim Evans, a beast of pure hatred with purpose malign, wrote:
} > JIM, Big JIMbot is Watching You
} Is that a wrestler or a monster truck?

You know, both are so tempting, I'm not sure which persona I want to emulate. Why not both?

<click>

[Sfx: revving engines]

This weekend at the RHOD-DOME!

MONSTER TRUCK WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII !!!!!

See MASSIVE BULKED-UP FREAKS OF NATURE putting the SLEEPER HOLD on SEVENTEEN TONS OF DESTRUCTIVE AUTOMOTIVE METAL INSANITY!!!!

If you can't TAKE DOWN BIGFOOT with a PILE DRIVER to the POWER TRAIN, you're just a LIMP-WRISTED NANCY BOY WITH A SMALL PENIS!!!

Featuring the ALL-STARS of MONSTER TRUCK WRESTLING the JIMbot, FOUR-ASSED BOBBY THE RAT, and GEORGE W BUSH!!!
See AL "THE ANIMAL" GORE tear into a line of FIFTY-SEVEN MOBILE HOMES WITH HIS TEETH!!!

Plus SPECIAL GUESTS GASPING PTERODACTYL!!!

They're turning the RHOD-DOME into a MASSIVE SEETHING CAULDRON OF SWEAT AND MUD!!!! DAMN, WE DON'T WANNA BE THE ONES CLEANING UP AFTER THIS!!!

We'll sell you the whole seat but YOU WON'T NEED ANY OF IT!! IT'S TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT FOR YOUR WUSSY SPHINCTER TO HANDLE AND YOU'LL BE STUCK TO THE TOILET THE WHOLE TIME!! SO DON'T COME! STAY HOME! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS MUCH RAW EXCITEMENT! WATCH NORM ABRAMS INSTEAD! THAT'S JUST ABOUT YOUR SPEED, ISN'T IT, YOU PANSY?!!!

MONSTER TRUCK WRESTLEMANIA XXVIII !!!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT!!!

And now back to the season premiere of "Felicity".

jim, damn, used up my allotment of caps for the week...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Some thngs need to be said
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 11:26:34 -0800

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Screwtape schrieb:
>>Charles A. Lieberman schrieb:
>>>Was you ever bit by a dead bee?
>>No, but I was stung.
>...by a dead bee, I should detail. Otherwise, how is that in anyway noteworthy?
>Screwtape,
>...allergic to bee-stings, even from dead bees.

OMIGOD!!

ZOM-BEES!


sorry.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: That's low
From: yvrorezn.voicenet.com (Charles A. Lieberman)
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 04:12:42 GMT

~Steve-o
> I mean, if you can't think of a new answer to a question you already got, let it back in the queue. Don't give the exact same answer you gave before.

What's the point of asking a question twice if it goes to the same Incarnation both times?

And I *already* asked the Oracle.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Greatest Un-Re-Submitted Questions
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 17:16:11 GMT

steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
> brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>>>Don't forget about the physical inaccuracies, like when they drilled a hole in the top of an underwater air dome acting like a diving bell (with an open bottom), and the water came in the hole instead of the air out....
>>Idiot. Don't you know that when you're down really deep in the water, the pressure is so incredibly great that it pushes everything including air DOWN? Gah!
>Paul is one of those people who will defend the notion that when starships encounter one another, they will both be oriented with the same "up".

Well DUH. Otherwise they couldn't have female crew members, since if one of them was upside down all the girls' skirts would be...

On second thought, I sorta like the idea of upside-down starships. And also, now that I think of it, we *did* see Uhura's bloomers a couple times.


From: TechnoAtheist (technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com)
Subject: Re: Newbie Question
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/01/20

"Rob Sharp" <robs.sharp60.freeserve.co.uk> wrote:
>Hi all,
>I have been using the Oracle for the past month or so and have a really great time doing it. I have even had some of my answers digested already which makes me feel great!

bastard

>However, today is the first time I have read this newsgroup. I noticed some people discussing one of my answers which also made me feel great!

they were only doing it because you were watching.

>I did come across something that probably makes me stand right out as an Oracle newbie. What are Rhod-ites ?
They hang from the ceiling. Wait, no that's not right.

Rhod-ites are a collection of individuals of various reputes that share a common interest, finding out what we have in common. So far we haven't had a very good run of things.

In the mean time, we poke fun at ourselves, each other, the world at large and vegtables. It's important to "lurk" here for a while before you enter into conversations. (Lurking means, reading posts. lots of them. more than that. Get a general feel for how conversations go. Learn the in-jokes (or at least how to fake understanding them), when to ask questions and when you're being set up as a straight man).

Nothing is sacred here. Not even DMP's penis[0].

Treat us with humor and respect and we'll happily return the favor.

>Can someone answer me. I also saw something mentioned about a RHOD-FAQ. Whats that and where can I get it? I have the Oracle help message though.

That is not the RHOD-FAQ. The RHOD FAQ is a legendary document that encompasses the sum total of all human knowledge. The FAQ is vast and ever changing and truely a thing of beauty. The FAQ has spawned religions. The FAQ has started some wars, but resolved others. The FAQ provides simple answers to life's most complex questions. The FAQ is fully indexed. The FAQ is not available in stores.

The URL to the FAQ is contained in the FAQ.

You should read it.

>Can someone please mail the answer to me at r.sharp.kpos.co.uk ? (I dont get to check these boards very often......

Sadly, no.

Many of us were traumatized by email as children. I carry the scars from a vicious attack by a group of pyramid schemes on my thigh.

In fact many of us distrust any form of electronic communications. Best to just check back here in a couple of days. We don't post here often, so you should be able to find your reply quickly.

>Thanks very much,
>Rob Sharp

HTH, HAND.



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