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2000 07

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feeling old today? If not, try this...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 1 Jul 2000 11:18:37 +1000

Jim Evans schrieb:
> Cici in Texas declared:
>} They have no clue what to do with a slide rule.
>I have to admit, I've never even seen a slide-rule.

I have. I've seen a few. My old highschool still has the slide rule they used to teach the kiddiwinkles with. They showed it to us one day when there was nothing else to do - very informative. It's about six feet long, and must be hung from the whiteboard for convenient use. Really, I can't understand why people would use such a beast - it would seem a logical extension to make them pocket-sized.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feeling old today? If not, try this...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Mon, 3 Jul 2000 16:37:04 +1000

Jeffrey Kaplan schrieb:
> Cici in Texas said:
>; time. Man, were we ever glad when THOSE things finally died off! Do you realize how long it takes to walk all the way around a brontosaurus?
>Why didn't you just walk +under+ it? Their legs are long enough so you could have strolled under the belly.

Trouble is, ol' brontosauri weren't con-structed to union code - the biggest problems wuz that there's no flashing lights or warnin' klaxons when 'ees about ta siddown.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Feeling old today? If not, try this...
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2000 21:23:40 GMT

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>...way back when the campus was all cluttered up with dinosaurs all the time. Man, were we ever glad when THOSE things finally died off!
>They WHAT! Oh man, nobody tells me *anything*.
>-- D. "I didn't even know they were sick!" W.

They weren't sick. Don't you know the moon is slowly moving away from the Earth? Well back then its orbit was 25 metres above sea level which caused the extinction of the tallest of the dinosaurs.

As you probably know some birds evolved from Teh dinosaurs, specifically, ducks evolved out of those that did.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: 1170-04
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 23:24:45 -0400

Dave Hemming declared:
} steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
} >Me thinks Leo is asleep at the wheel. I incarnated this over a month ago.
} I have incarnations from January in my "Maybe" folder.

You're very very cruel.

} Most of the priests have "maybe" folders. We'll see an answer, and think it's good, but worry that we only think it's good in comparison to all the dross that comes in. So we put it to one side, then take it out a few days later and think, "is this digest material?"

And if the answer is yes, it goes back in the folder until it's not funny any more.

} If it's still a tough call, back it goes for the next time. Every so often at the Sekrit Priesthood Meetings, when the priests meet to drink

You mispelled S3K1RT!!!

} banana daiquiris and throw darts at pictures of RHODites,

If you get a dart through Dumpie's ring, you win a prize!

} someone will haul out a big load and offer them round.

I'm not going to touch this.

} Because different people have different senses of humour, something that's a tricky decision for the original priest may be a shoo-in for another, and they snag it and run off, giggling like a schoolgirl (sorry Ian, but you do).

Well if you didn't keep tugging on his braids, he wouldn't!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please tell me this hasn't passed...
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2000 01:12:26 GMT

<spotlights shine around as the dancers clear the stage>
<a tuxedoed ~Steve-o and Viki in an a dress made of gold-plated supplications take the stage>
~Steve-o: Wow Viki, that's a great dress you're wearing.
Viki: Thanks. We had to kill a few priests and steal their "maybe" folders to get enough answers to make it.
<crowd chuckles politely>
~Steve-o: And I'm sure the reason everyone's looking so closely at it is because they want to see if one of theirs made the Viki.
<audience chuckles again>
Viki: Right, has nothing to do with these bodacious ta-tas.
~Steve-o: Right We're here tonight, Viki, to present the award for the best Robert De Niro impersonation in a RHOD post.
Viki: That's right. And the nominees are - EGK for the Godfather:

>Screwtape: And what do you do if he doesn't *want* to go?
>EGK: I make him an offer he don't refuse.

Viki: JIMbot for the Dear Hunter:

>JIM: See this? This is this. This ain't something else, this is this!
>Daniel E. Macks: What the hell are you talking about?

Viki: Kevin Kelley for Taxi Driver:

>Nobody Knows: What the fuck are you babbling about?
>Kevin: You talking to me?

Viki: And Billy Phred! For Awakenings:

>Billy Phred: Unnnnnngggggghhhhhh......

<pan over the audience>

~Steve-o: And the winner is....
Viki: Kevin Kelley for Taxi Driver!
Kevin: Thank you! Thank you! I just want to thank my agent, my make up artist, my good friend Quentin Tarantino, and of course, my lovely wife Mena Suvari.

<Kevin shakes his Orrie in the air and starts to walk off the left side of the stage, but is re-directed by the hostess to the right side>

Announcer: And now, here to present the award for the best troll is last years winner RST!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Please tell me this hasn't passed...
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Tue, 04 Jul 2000 02:48:39 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>><...~Steve-o and Viki in a dress made of gold-plated supplications take the stage>
>Picturing you two sharing a dress don't hurt either.

There was barely enough room for the two of Viki in that dress.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Not so much Sore, but definitely a Loser.
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 2 Jul 2000 18:21:44 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
>teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe]) wrote:
>>Teh Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
>>Your question was:
>>Oh Wonderous Oracle, who's cereal never overflows when he pours his milk into it...
>>How do you get your day started when you're having "one of those days"?
>>And in response, thus spake Teh Oracle:
>>Get up, turn kettle on, get bowl, smell something burning, turn kettle off, add water to kettle, turn kettle on, pour cereal into bowl, add heaped spoon of coffee to cereal, throw cereal out, pour cereal into bowl, get mug, add heaped spoon of coffee to mug, reboil water, pour boiling water in bowl, throw cereal out, refill kettle, turn kettle on, pour cereal into bowl, add heaped spoon of coffee to mug, add boiling water to mug, add milk to cereal, add milk to coffee, mop up spilt milk and dry mug's bottom (well you were right about the cereal part anyway).
>>You owe the Oracle one of those *other* days.
>I've got an imaginary coffee-cup for mornings like that. It has instructions printed on it: "Sip. Swallow. Breathe."

Shame that it's printed on the bottom.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies ask strangers what time it is

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: My cinematic debut
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Fri, 7 Jul 2000 05:10:08 GMT

Kevin Kelley said:
; But ever since I've had this belief that I'd make a really good hooker, if I just had a little more training and found the right team.

I think they're hiring downtown. Can't miss 'em. The manager is the one in the fur coat driving the pink convertible.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hentai Green Chupacabra!!
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2000 16:33:49 GMT

johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net (John D) wrote:
>Ha, my birthday was last weekend, and I managed to avoid the depressing game of "Whadda ya want for your birthday?" by not reminding anybody. My parents remembered, but at least they were understanding when I asked for a mathematical physics textbook.
>John -- I'm sure "Fractal Geometry and Number Theory" wierded them out, though.

That's the problem with the internet. Now any sicko with a math fetish can get online and find others like him and suddenly it becomes an acceptable form of behavior.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Ahbou notice
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 5 Jul 2000 11:33:12 -0400

I would like to take this oppurtunity to congratulate our own Nobody Knows on his recent AHBOU'ment. So who's this "Daniel Parker" chap that you conned into submitting it?

JIM, who's going to pop round to Scott Draper's office and have a few kind words with him

From: Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: test
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/07/09

GW De Lacey declared:
} GW De Lacey wrote:
} Heh. I really enjoy talking to myself.
} It's so enlightening.
} Especially when I answer myself.

I'm sorry, the correct answers are:

Napolean, in 1781.
Fourteen, but two were disqualified for having non-regulation floatation devices.

Thank you for trying. You will be elegible to take the test again next term.

JIM, anal examiner

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: "Zadok the Priest"
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Thu, 6 Jul 2000 17:02:07 -0500

Ian Davis wrote:
} Freyja wrote:
} > Enjoy! I have fun with tenors and baritones. We can split the baritones.
} Ow! Hey!

Well, that's one way to get a soprano.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: The park in the dark...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2000 01:03:35 +1000

I took my monster for a walk -
I took it to the park.
There was no moon, no people out -
The world was quiet, dark.

So we went down by the duck pond -
Where the ducks do live -
But we weren't wanting ducks that night -
We were wanting squid.

There under the lamp-post -
In that pool of light.
There she stands in fishnets -
A squidlette of the night...

We slicked our hair -
We tucked our shirts -
Of mint-fresh spray
We each had squirts...

And then emboldened
We strolled by
And gave Miss Squid
The "Hi honey" eye...

She winked right back -
Of course she did -
She was <nudge-nudge>
THAT kind of squid.

All casual we asked her price -
A rate most reasonable for "paradise"...

We nodded yes and we hurried off -
She of course had a secluded loft.

She took us there -
We did the same.
(Those squidlette girls just have *no* shame)

Right through the night we writhed about -
Made her shiver - made her shout.

Until, exhausted, in a heap
We sought a well-earned little sleep.

And then in the morning we arose,
Carefully putting on all our clothes.
We thanked her nicely, paid her fee -
Stopped long enough for a cup of tea.

Then off we went down her loft stairs -
As contented as two teddy-bears.



EVIL Goodbye Kitty
of course

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Big One-Oh-Oh
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Sat, 08 Jul 2000 08:20:03 +1000

Richard Wilson wrote:
> This is to announce that with a staggering four oracularities in digest #1171, Mister Richard Molerat Wilson has attained his 100th digested answer. Okay, so these four (03, 04, 05 & 07) were all pretty crap, but you have to admit there've one or two commendable ones along the way. Messages of congratulation unaccompanied by large gifts or cash

Congratulations, with large gifts and cash. But please don't say "staggering" when DMP is around, he does not need that sort of inspiration.

> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
> --*----*---*---*-----*----So where's me telegram from the Queen?---


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Challenge
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 11:36:33 -0400

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com> said:
>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>> Billy Phred! declared:
>>> } Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>> } > As you will all no doubt be very surprised to learn, there has never been a digested Oracularity containing both the words "squid" and "herpes".
>>> } And, coincidentally, there is not a single Oracularity with the word "JIM" and the word "Boredom".
>>> In fact there are not any Oracularities in which the Might Trigram appears. Which, considering my incredible vanity, is surprising. Then again, considering the priests' incredible common sense, maybe it's not so surprising after all.
>>Sure, if you have vanity plates in the digests, then all the RHODites have to. And while few will complain about Viki's tatas being put into posterity, we would also have to allow DMP's penis and Paul's hemorrhoids.
>I refuse to even mention the possibility that there's a cause-and-effect affecting this effect here.

Well as it turns out, he didn't so much offer me a job, as a "position directly beneath him." Imagine my horror.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stupid Question....
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 13:52:53 -0700

Agent_C, curious almost to a fault, wrote:
> What's humorous about Oracle?

The Oracle:
(pronoun) a minor deity hurled from Olympus (or some such high place -- texts are unclear) for various undefined acts, although it is noted that the gods have never been the same since. Following his (her? its? hits? hets? Again, texts are a bit unsatisfactory on this point) fall from grace, and after some fooling around that is apparently not only the source of some humorous anecdotes but also make for some damn fine reasons for certain happenings in the Universe, he suddenly developed a conscience (or a warped sense of humour) and took residence at Delphi, helping those who would dare the treacherous ascent to his abode.

Realizing this was a bit silly, what with the fact that the people who -did- manage to survive the trip up rarely made it back down with the newly-imparted wisdom, and thus wasting precious Oracle-hours (much more productive than mere man-hours), the Oracle once again roamed Creation, creating some ruckas of his own. Eventually he met up with one Steven Kinzler, who, on a bet, imprisoned the Oracle and now forces him to churn out answers over the Internet.

Of course, the Internet Oracle is not without some degree of power. Over the years, he has developed the all-powerful <ZOT>, which can vaporize a being into its component atoms, the seldom-used <SMITE>, which rumour has it is slightly more powerful (but last use wiped out three continents and caused no less than four major earthquakes, so it's understandable that this one has been collecting dust), and a large priestal following. Not to mention the net.sex.goddess, Viki^HLisa, his girlfriend, and Kendai, a largely undefined, er, personage.

The Internet Oracle has had such a mind-numbing effect on the populace of Earth that some have taken to--

> Are we talking about the relational database tool or some other incarnation of the word "Oracle".?

Er, yes, that's right. But don't interrupt; that's rude.
Having long since forgiven Kinzler for containing him in a mere Linux mail server, the Internet Oracle has begun allowing certain sentient beings of this planet use his name, likeness, and even overall concept as part of their business practice. The assumption was that, since they were taking the name of a famous god-like being, they would treat it with the proper respect and have such outstanding methods of doing business that their competition would be blown out of the water, and the Oracle would be the end-all be-all of the corporate world.

Obviously, it hasn't happened that way. Pity.

Scholars have debated for years now that, if the Oracle is indeed all-seeing and all-knowing, then surely he must have known this was going to happen. All that has come of the arguments is some fairly large <ZOT>s on what is, apparently, the "wrong" side.

Debate has therefore dwindled a bit.

> Inquiring minds want to know...

If you wish to bring the subject up again, however, please feel free. Just wait a bit before beginning; I require time to get into my concrete bunker...

> Regards,
> A_C
> --
> Agent_C is not a single individual, but a loose association - much like Fight Club.

pieceoftheuniverse - not a single individual either, if you must know, but hardly like Fight Club. Ever seen No Escape?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Stupid Question....
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug.gate.net>
Date: Tue, 11 Jul 2000 21:50:28 -0400

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>>The Oracle:
>>(pronoun) a minor deity hurled from Olympus (or some such high place -- texts are unclear) for various undefined acts,
> "Indiscreciones con un burro," for one.

And boy was Zeus pissed when they sobered up...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Oracle Needs Mydol?
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 11 Jul 2000 14:31:49 GMT

GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com> said:
>Reminds me of a joke.

No it doesn't. You just felt like telling a joke and were looking for an opening to stick it in. And I must say, you chose a most inappropriate place to stick it. Herpes is not funny. Do you know how many times I pick up a squid at a bar, get 'er in bed, only to have her say "no really, it's just a cold sore?" Cold sore, my ass! Have you ever seen a squid with a cold sore? Ya know how many promising dates have ended with me alone, masturbating with a bagpipe?

>There was this squid, see. It had lot lotsa spots, like, you know, one of those lion things. Well it goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, have you got something for these spots' and the doc says 'Sorry squiddie, but you've got herpes.'
>Jeeze, I laughed when I heard it.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies were always taught to share

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 09:00:10 -0700

Robot Karate Man 2030, now with ninja-grip action, wrote:
> I think I'm going to hold off on submitting questions, at least until we see the words "squid" and "herpes" in the next digest.
> You hear that priests?!

Oh yes, I can just see it now:

The thirty-two priests have gathered in a secret abode at what would have to be, obviously, an undisclosed location. All are dressed in long flowing robes, for some strange reason, and there are big burley men all in white guarding the doors. Steve Kinzler stands up to address the group, and the hubbub and inane chatter that had been filling the air ever since they came in through the many entrances eventually quiets down.

"As you know, ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem." There are a few whispered questions and hushed explanations passed back and forth for a bit, and Steve waits until it's quiet again. "We have here an all-out boycott of supplications. With no supplications, the queue is empty; with an empty queue, there can be no incarnations; with no incarnations, there can be no digests."

The priests suddenly seem to burst, everyone speaking at once. Finally, from the rabble, one voice speaks above all others: it's Julianna Avedon, also known as "Julsy." "It all started with ~steve-o's inane threat, and now it's gotten completely out of hand. It's been -days- since I've gotten a single message from the Oracle. What are we going to do?"

Paul, or "Fierce Cookie", as he prefers to be called even when not online, pipes up "There's no sense in blaming ~steve-o; he didn't know what he was starting. It's that bedamned JIMbot, it started this whole mess with that squids and herpes idea."

Kirsten Chevalier calls for attention, then announces, "I've just gotten an e-mail from Scott Draper, head programmer of the JIMbot project, and he claims there's no fault on his end. His team isn't sure where the influence came from, and suggests we ask the Oracle."

"Oh, ha ha," comes a response from David Bremner. "The few questions in the queue are only being picked up by the lousiest of incarnations. Half-wit responses, resubmitals of the most idiotic questions known to man, <ZOT>s on every side; the Oracle is useless as it stands."

"So what are you saying?" asks Harold the Foot. "Do we kill the forum? Wipe the drives at Indiana?"

At the mere suggestion the priests appear despondent and repelled. "But we -can't-," says Ross Clement. "The Internet Oracle has become practically a cultural icon. We get hundreds of thousands of hits per day on the site. Even taking into account those who mistake it for an Oracle programming page, we can't just rip this away. It'll pass."

Arguments, conversations, and of course raised voices criss-cross the room. Despite constant attempts by Kinzler to contain it all, the priests continue unabated. Finally, exhausted, he signals to the men in white, and they begin breaking out the straightjackets and carrying the priests out the doors one by one, still arguing even as they're slung over the shoulders of the Institution's guards.

pieceoftheuniverse - aw, come on, you know they're at least -half- mad...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 15:20:55 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>The outcome of this little experiment has been... interesting. I am preparing a definitive history of "The Squid-Herpes Project" which will culminate with the next digest.

"The Squid-Herpes Project"

A film by JIMbot

<Cut to a black screen>
<scarey music>

In October of 1999, three rec.humor.oracle.d posters disappeared in the woods near Maple Ridge, Canada, while shooting a documentary.

One year later, their footage was found.

<Cut to JIMbot's face in closeup, his clown nose smooshed against the lens>

JIMbot: I just want to apologize to the priests, and to the RHODites, I'm... so... sorry, this is all my fault... because it was my project... I'm ... so... scared...

<Cut to JIMbot a few days before, walking around Maple Ridge>

JIMbot: We're interviewing the locals here about the Herpes Squid.

Native #1: There was some girl in the late 1970's who wandered off.
Native #2: She got lost.
Native #1: Right, she got lost.
Native #2: Ain't that what I just said?
Native #1: Yeah, but I just said it too.
Native #2: Yeah, but she came back.
Native #1: S'right. Three days later she just appears on her grandmother's porch, her clothes all mussed up and her hair all wild and smellin' o' Hai Karate.
Native #2: Cologne.
Native #1: Right, cologne. Starts babblin' about a squid who wore tight jeans and had his shirt open down to his belly button and he wore gold chains and blow-dryed his chest hair.
Native #2: Like Larry on 'Threes Company.'
Native #1: Like Larry, right. Says he gave her herpes.

<cut to the camera bobbing back and forth, weaving in and out of trees>

JIMbot: We're wandering through the woods here

Voice Offcamera: We're looking for the squid

JIMbot: There is no squid. We're "researching" a legend.

<cut to the camera running through the woods at night>

JIMbot: Oh my god! What's that noise! What's that noise!

<suction cup popping echoes in the distance>

- Time

- Rolling Stone

- Squid Fancier

JIMbot: Heeeelp! God! Help!!!!!! Ayeeeeeee!!!!

<black screen>

<fade in text>

"The Squid-Herpes Project"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 08:24:37 -0700

Jim Evans innocently wrote:
> Robot Karate Man 2030 declared:
> } This is a weighty matter indeed, young Mr. Evans. Every answer I get now either includes the "s" word and the "h" word, or accuses me of trying to incite an answer that does.

I seem to be immune to these effects -- for now. Putting aside the fact that, for some reason, I confuse "herpes" with "hemorrhoids" (no, I don't know why): I simply refused to have any part in it; I knew that rhodites would be all to ready to jump into the fray. As a soldier once told me, why wade into battle reluctantly when there are people who will gladly give their lives for the same cause?

That was right before that nasty "dishonorable discharge" business...

> The outcome of this little experiment has been... interesting. I am preparing a definitive history of "The Squid-Herpes Project" which will culminate with the next digest.

Well, let's see it. Huh huh huh? Where is it? Or were you not expecting 1172 to arrive so soon? True, it's hardly standard procedure to have two in such a short time...

> One interesting aspect: we seem to now have an idea of the number of lurkers that RHOD has.

We do?

News to me. But then, I was never very good at pinpointing writing styles. Hell, mine changes from day to day, and you think I'll be able to pick out who's who simply based on an Oracular response? And without any rhod posts to fall back on and compare with? Not gonna happen, buddy.

> } Ah to hell with it. If the priests had an iota of humor among them then every Oracularity in 1172 would contain the words.
> We'll see...

Three of ten. No, wait, that sounds like a Borg designation...

Now, it's been done. All right? Happy, JIM? You have caused a virtual epidemic of herpes, the first in history no doubt, so I suppose some degree of congratulations is in order. Yes, even the good ol' Orrie is not as immune to STDs (or should that be ETDs?) as he probably should be.

But it's done. It's over. Let's have no more squids with herpes unless it manages to crop up NATURALLY in conversation. Please. PLEASE.

pieceoftheuniverse - now if you'll excuse me, I've got to take my squid to the vet. Something about his mate last night must have really irritated him...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Collective sighs...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2000 11:27:55 -0500

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> "Lord Insidious" wrote:
> >TechnoAtheist
> >>I thought she was saxon.
> >I have been told saxons are very rough, very ruthless That is the origin of the expression "saxon violence."
> No, not quite. It came from a group of ship navigators that mutinied in the early 1800's. It was known as the Sextant Violence.

No, there was a problem with the watch-cat in the White House, who allowed burglers to apply their art while it was sleeping.

It was about Socks and Vigilance.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trip to California
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 2000 15:05:07 -0400

"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>Look, I'm positive, I have a degree in English Literature, and 'Los' is too close to 'Lost' not to mean the same thing. Screw those other languages, who needs 'em people should learn to speak English like all good Americans.

If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for our children.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trip to California
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 12 Jul 2000 21:29:54 GMT

Donald Welsh <dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au> said:
>Julianna Avedon <avedon.usa.net> wrote:
>>Los Gatos means "the cats."
>>Stray cats in Spanish would be "gatos perdidos," ....
>Wouldn't that mean "damned cats"?
>-- D. "What did Lady Macbeth say when putting out the dog?" W.

"If you shit on the couch one more time, I'll have you put to sleep!"?
dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies only read the Cliff's version

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Trip to California
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 07:55:26 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> -- D. "What did Lady Macbeth say when putting out the dog?" W.

"Who set fire to the bloody dog?"


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Howdy Mates
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 04:14:46 GMT

steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
>"Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> wrote:
>>>Oooh - you've shaved <g>
>>How do you shave your back?
>And a word of caution, never use Nair on your scalp.

Yeah, you'll end up looking like a cephalopod with a really bad case of cold sores.

>still nursing the burns

Never put anything on your genitalia that you wouldn't be willing to put on your scalp, I always say.

Or was it the other way 'round?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Priestly question
From: Julianna Avedon <avedon.usa.net>
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 08:17:28 -0700

Al Sharka wrote:
> You must leave the windows open for days before Dave visits.

Don't be silly. Women don't fart. We just explode when we're 60.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Weekend Off
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 15 Jul 2000 09:43:37 -0700

steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
>Just wanted to make a note that I spent the day wrestling with our new, demon-posessed K-6 500mhz. No matter how I kicked it or threatened it with holy water, it refused to acknowledge that there was a mouse connected to it.
>Consequently, the ATX of Satan will be going into Best Buy tomorrow for excorcism... or at least a stern talking to. I shall be computerless until it returns (I'm currently on our geriatric P120, which keeps sending Emails to Kevorkian begging for release).
>Chin up and what what. See you all on Sunday or Monday.

<soothing music>

All RHODperators have left the building. If you wish to keep holding please press 1 now


Your call is insignificant to us, and all calls are ignored in the order that they are received. Please stay on the line and an operator will ignore you momentarily.

Your call is insignificant to us, and all calls are ignored in the order that they are received. Please stay on the line and an operator will ignore you momentarily.

Your call is insignificant to us, and all calls are ignored in the order that they are received. Please stay on the line and an operator will ignore you momentarily.

I'm sorry, but all offices of RHOD are now closed. RHOD's normal hours are from when-someone-gets-around-to-it 'til the-new-guy-reads-the-FAQ, seven weeks a day. If this is an emergency and you simply must post, why aren't you doing tellme's? If this is about an incredibly new FTP program, a happy fun joke site, or desperate cries for company, feel free to scrawl your message on the underside of a table. It will get more people reading it. If you wish to offer sexually explicit material, I would remind you that a major topic of this group was Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

We look forward to serving you when we get back. Have a nice day....

</soothing music>

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Eclipse
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 07:59:41 +1000

There was a fantastic and very long total eclipse of the moon last night, best seen in Melbourne and the longest period of totality for the next thousand years. The sky was clear and dry, the weather freezing cold, the stars bright enough to burn, as I watched the brilliant full moon gradually being consumed by the shadow of the earth.

I had the telescope out and I watched as the blinding disk slowly darkened and took on the ghostly red color of earthlight. I watched the eerie spectre slowly tracking across the background of the Milky Way, occulting several stars. And right on the limb of the shadow of the earth, just to spoil it all, you could see the shadow of some bastard in South Africa making bunny ears.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Beautiful Noise
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 17 Jul 2000 05:57:54 GMT

Richard Fitzpatrick <ossipewsk.cheerful.com> said:
>Steve0 wrote:
>> * Porn in 1600x1200 resolution is AMAZING
>Then you should see it in RL. Simply superb!
>Oh, wait. That's not porn.

Yeah. So get off my fire escape!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are, milligram for milligram, the most photogenic creatures in the universe

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rant: Upon an evil answer
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000 02:43:17 +1000

Donald Welsh wrote:
> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> > Donald Welsh declared:
> >} Still waiting for Bananas in Pajamas Doom.
> >"Are you thinking what I'm thinkig, B1?" "I think so B2! Time to reload the chain gun and frag that bastard Rat's hairy ass!"
> Bananas in pajamas, are coming down the stairs.
> Bananas in pajamas, are chasing teddy bears.
> Bananas in pajamas, swing machetes in the air.
> Because on Tuesday, they all like to see stuffing everywhere!

There's a bear in there - and an electric chair...
And people with veins and gorings to share
Open wide - it's suicide
Let's Play Ghoul...

Well - I *think* that's how it went...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Latex
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 18 Jul 2000 18:32:49 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> said:
>steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
>>The dress my wife got for her web page is a "one size fits all," and unfortunately, not everyone's a 38D. The area around her rib cage is too snug. We were just wondering if it would give eventually.
>That reminds me, where can you get super-sized condoms?
>These ones are too tight.

Try taking 'em out of the wrapper next time.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't know the protection needed protection

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy Day
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000 07:32:02 +1000

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Damn! I had thought my copy of Beethoven's 5th performed on period instruments was in that wallet, but it wasn't.

Many of those instruments would have strings, I imagine.

Or wings, perhaps.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy Day
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 22:21:23 GMT

"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>...still searching for that video missing since 1988, dammit...

%Cheesy jazz riff%
Cute Chick: I don't know, I think the drain has something STUCK in it.
%More cheesy jazz%
Plumber: Lady, I think I'm going to have to use the snake on this one.
%Yet more cheesy jazz%
Cute Chick: Oh! Is it a BIG snake? Will it get STUCK in my PIPE too?
%Even yet more cheesy jazz%
[SFX] Ziiiiiiipppppp...
%Twenty minutes of horribly cheesy jazz%
Plumber: Oh look! You just had the stopper in the drain; that's why the water wouldn't go down. It's all fixed now. That'll be $200.
%Oh no, some more cheesy jazz%
Cute Chick: OOoooh look! The water is GOING DOWN! Are you sure I have to pay the bill?


%Latin Llama music with Englishmen shouting "OLE!" in an Hispanic accent%
Plumber: MMmmmmmmm...I think the bill is GOING DOWN, but the interest is RISING again.


%Thirty minutes of cheesy jazz music%
Plumber: Well ma'am, whenever you need your pipes taken care of, just give me a call...[wink]

[The End]

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Happy Birthday
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 19 Jul 2000 07:03:20 -0500

Julianna Avedon wrote:

} To Drink
} I want to gather your darkness
} in my hands, to cup it like water
} and drink.
} I want this in the same way
} that I want to touch your cheek --
} it's the same --
} the way a moth will come
} to the bedroom window in late September,
} beating and beating its wings against cold glass;
} the way a horse will lower
} its long head to water, and drink,
} and pause to lift its head and look,
} and drink again,
} taking everything in with the water,
} everything.

Err, umm, Julsy? Wouldn't this sort of thing be better sent in e-mail? I'm kind of embarrassed now. Besides, my birthday isn't until next month.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: News from the Front!
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2000 20:39:44 +1000

Fierce Cookie wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >If you're writing a rhyme
> >Never finish your line
> >With the word "front"
> >*Especially* if you've already used up hunt, grunt, blunt, punt, and runt.
> Nonsense, you silly bunt.

Is the lowest form of prose.
What possesses me to write it,
Heaven only knows.

From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Minor Oracle Feature Suggestion
Date: 24 Jul 2000 00:00:00 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

LucFrench, at least mildly insane, wrote:
> The recent outage at cs.indiana.edu reminded of a fairly simple feature I'd like to see in the Internet Oracle. Namely, "What do I have in the queue?"
> Here's how it works:
> You send in a fairly simple request, say, "list"; the Oracle then sends you all the tellmes you currently have in the queue, along with all the Questions The Oracle Requires An Answer To (with time left listed).
> Note that if it goes over ~5k, the message should be confirmed first, and that only one list will be issued for any address in any given 24 hour period. (Both are to prevent abuse.)

I can just see this in action...

To: pieceoftheuniverse.IrockIknowbowbeforemeifyouwanto.com
From: oracle.cs.indiana.edu
Subject: Answer #QraaOeY, the Oracle requires an answer to this question.

!!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. Help speed
!!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.

The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!

> Oracle, whose hair is so fair ...
> Please tell me a bedtime story!

So, after answering, I think to myself, "Hmm. Self, the queue seems to be getting rather full. I wonder what's in there?"

To: oracle.cs.indiana.edu
From: pieceoftheuniverse.bowbeforemeknave.com
Subject: list me

To: pieceoftheuniverse.bowbeforemeknave.com
From: oracle.cs.indiana.edu
Subject: List #LiowOfZ, the Oracle is pondering these questions.

!!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full. You could
!!! be helping speed things up by submitting ask me's, but noooo,
!!! you have to bog down the server compiling this damn list. And
!!! you can't answer any of these, so don't even try.

1. All-mighty Oracle, whose juice is ever sweet, who is never tart even in the middle of the mightiest winter storm, whose taste buds ever register the restraint used in the orange juice made from Concentrate, and who knows why people would drink that junk in the first place, please answer my pitiful question:

Why is the sky blue?

2. So I'm walking, right? And this guy comes up to me, and I don't know him, at least I don't think I do, so anyway, he comes up to me and asks me for a quarter. Like I said, I don't know him, so I say "hell no" but that doesn't shake him like I think it will. So he keeps bugging me and bugging me, but I drive off anyway -- did I mention I was in my car at the time? No? Well, I was. I was in my car with my girlfriend, actually (yes, I know it's surprising that I have a girlfriend, but that's kind of off-topic, and I know how busy you are, so I'm not going to bother you with petty details), and we were driving to work -- not that we work at the same place, it's just that what with our jobs and all we rarely get to see each other as much as we like, except on weekends, those times are quite nice, but carpooling in the early morning gives us time to catch up, not that we couldn't do that later, but you know how it is. So anyway, I'm driving along the freeway when this guy comes up, a guy I have no idea who this nutter is -- and I've said that already. I'm sorry, Orrie, I seem to have lost the thread. No, wait, there it is, I've found it, so anyway, I end up driving over his foot, and I can see in the rearview that he's hopping up and down in pain, and I let out a little laugh, and my girlfriend gets all upset, and now she refuses to go to the zoo with me on Saturday, and she says she's thinking of dating someone new, like maybe this guy she knows who lives on the street with a cast. I think it's kind of odd for a guy with a theatrical inclination to be on the street, but then again it's not like it's the first time the whole "starving artist" thing has been put into play. So anyway, Orrie, what should I do?

3. Yo, Orrie, my main sqeeze:
What's up, dude?

4. Mighty Oracle:
Bop-do-do-bop doo-do-bop-do-bop
Bam-dip-do-ba dip-do-ba-di-ba
Bip-shi-li-ca-lipa-coom-sha la

Orrie, what's that from?

5. Oh Zadoc most wise, whose groveling skills could exalt even Kev, the god of French toilets. You are second to none when it comes to being a second banana. Do you have any tips for becoming a better sidekick/manservant/footstool?

6. Oh great Oracle, though who could trim every tree in the Amazon rainforest using only a rusty old fork, and whom could free Lake Victoria of the blight of water hyacinth, or at least send his trusty manservant Zadoc to the lake with a bucket to do it, pray help me.

12,000 years ago, Lake Victoria, the second largest freshwater lake in the world was bone dry. Nowdays, this lake is home (or at least was before pollution and the introduction of foreigh species) to about 500 species of cichlid. To put this in comparison, there are only about 60 species of freshwater fish in all of Europe. Mitochondrial DNA analysis has shwon that all of these varied fish arose from a single ancestoral species at the time that water returned to the lake.

Orrie, can you please explain just how so much evolution and speciation occurred in such a short time?

7. Yo, guy. Do people call you the "Big O" more often than not?

8. O Oracle most RFC 2795 compliant, tell me:

What did Lady Macbeth say when putting out the dog?

9. I M A hi scul grad loking 4 colages in the Wisconson area. Can u help?

10. I'm trying to compile an Oracle DB with a separated customization file spliced on two fronts with a dilusive maintainer between them. Help me, please! All of above is just techno-babble to me!

11. Concern for the world forces me to ask this question of you Most Majestic and Anecdotal Oracle,

If I eat cookies will others be able to tell where I've been?


pieceoftheuniverse - and the point of this would be what, exactly?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Recommended Home Reading
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2000 16:02:11 -0400

Viki wrote:
>On the other hand, if given a real life choice between boinking with Patrick Stewart and with a younger man... ok I was gonna say Brad Pitt but that might not be a fair choice... hmmmmm.... let's just pick a generic younger man, assuming that said younger man (1) was not physically repellant (2) did not have body odor and (3) was reasonably able to carry on an intelligent conversation, I wouldn't guarantee that just the voice and the attitude would make me pick the venerable Captain Pickard.

You needn't go dashing the hopes of the entire male RHOD population in a single sentence like that.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Recommended Home Reading
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2000 01:13:04 -0700

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Viki declared:
>} Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>} > Viki wrote:
>} > > Speaking of doodling, I'm taking suggestions on what kind of tatoo I should get. Anybody got a good idea?
>} > Yeah - maybe one of him dressed in his cute little white tuxedo? My but he looked *so* handsome - just like de boss...
>} EGK, I've got one word for you on *that* idea:
>} Ewwwwwwww!
>Didn't I read somewhere that Tatoo was hung like a horse?
> JIM, maybe that was his fantasy

No, he died of a gunshot wound.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dick & Bush
From: dwelsh.nospam.melbpc.org.au (Donald Welsh)
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2000 03:38:31 GMT

QuasiMojo wrote:
>I'm thinking about the campaign slogans on that one:
>Get a Dick, Vote for Bush
>Bush & Dick, made for each other
>Dick & Bush, like a hand in a glove

A Dick in the hand is worth two in the Bush.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Crappy incarnation - die die die!
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 08:03:54 +1000

Viki wrote:
> I hope there's a fresh bottle of wine in the fridge!

now I'm all nostalgic for Pittsburgh, the only place in the world I've ever bought wine with a "Best Before" date on it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Crappy incarnation - die die die!
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 17:29:39 GMT

Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net> wrote:
>Happy birthday, dear. Hope you enjoy the Chippendales (I *think* I packed them tightly enough).

Oh god, bad visual.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: JIM Challenges
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 23:46:47 -0400

On Sat, 22 Jul 2000, Comrade Chris Wesling declared:
} "Billy Phred!" wrote:
} > I would just like to point out that 1174-09 is a self-defeating prophecy since it already contains the words "Baboon" and "Proctologist."
} Thank Ghod...
} Chris W.

I would like to take this oppurtunity to say that I would never issue a challenge on "baboon" and "proctologist".

That would just be silly.

"pancreas" and "laundromat" on the other hand...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ALL RIGHT NOW
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 Jul 2000 06:25:25 GMT

John D <johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net> said:
> Viki wrote:
>>Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com> wrote:
>>> And no Screwtape for weeks. What's up with that? SARA! What have you done with him!?
>>OMG the kitty got hungry.... Someone throw the kitty a nice ... what do kitties like to eat.... beats me.... something filled with catnip or something! I'm worried about ST!!! I think we ought to alert the authorities! Send out the troops! At least make a phone call, ya know?
>Don't worry, he's either out sniffing fire hydrants, or he's busy discussing his research with his superiors on the mothership.
>John -- who is like an elephant when it comes to TOIJs

Reminds me (ok, no it doesn't, but I want to share this anecdote and this is the closest I expect it'll relate to anything, not that that matters as this is RHOD, where topics drift like a feather in a breeze blowing off the ocean, under a bright sun (I've heard, mind you) with sea-shells and salt water, and sand getting all in your ass and then it gets all red and irritated, or so I've been told, since the only sand around here is in the form of cement that forms the walls isolating my lab from the next outer layer, meaning that I'm not even within two rooms of a window, and the window'd offices are reserved for the boss and secretary and other people who I'm not actually sure *what* they do but it's clearly important since they get offices with windows, which I don't get and that makes me sad, but not as sad as the Viki since we got free lunch today, including lamb kebobs and I really love lamb (to eat (after it's been cooked (oh forget the lamb, ok?)))).

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are still digesting

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Going down
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 29 Jul 2000 06:01:01 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>>Cici in Texas wrote:
>>> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>>> >In the elevator ride to Hell - what music do they play?
>>> >Well - apart from Barry Manilow.
>>> Bartok.
>>What's wrong with Bartok? You don't like Hungarian-influenced classical music?
>>I say the elevator to Hell will play Spice Girls music.
>Only if the CD sticks.
> "So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... <POP>
> So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... <POP>
> So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... <POP>
> So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... <POP>
> So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want... <POP>"

I didn't know the Spice Girls covered "Mmm...POP".

>And (obviously), it's a really slow ride...

And the well-dressed man reading the Wall Street Journal keeps trying to cop a feel.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are only pretending to read

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny how you hear the same phrase...
From: "trog" <trog.zoom.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 08:52:37 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse wrote ...
> Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> > I just had occasion to admonish my better half with the phrase "You've dropped a bit of lollo rosso."
> > Anyone else?
> I suppose now would be a silly time to ask what "lollo rosso" is.

A silly time is always a good time for rhod.
"Rosso" is a contrived alliteration developed from the plural noun "ros" which are artificial languages that reject all existing words and are based instead on an abstract analysis of ideas.
"Lollo" is an adjective derived from Lolo - a Burmese hill tribe.
Obviously, JP had noticed that his other half had inadvertently dropped her affected Burmese accent.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Funny how you hear the same phrase...
From: "trog" <trog.zoom.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2000 19:22:25 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse wrote ...
> pieceoftheuniverse - who always knew the Burmese would go the way of the Esperantinos

Hence ...
Burmas have

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Hmmm...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000 03:09:15 +1000

I'd pull down the sun and the moon for you
And fold them close in your hand.
I'd gather the stars in the skies for you
If that should be your command.

Over the furthest mountain pass -
I'd march if it were to you.
Over a bed of nails and glass -
I'd crawl if you asked me to.

Though the wind be my foe I would sail the sea
If doing so would bring you closer to me.
Deep churning tempests I would brave
For the chance of one night as your...*love slave*??

<EGK looks in coffee cup suspiciously>

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hmmm...
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 17:34:34 -0700

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
><EGK looks in coffee cup suspiciously>

Jason pulled against the bonds again
(Curse those knots they tied)
The ropes were tempted not by sins
that started him to writhe.

The Argonaughts, his mighty crew
struggled hard to do their tasks
Their ears were filled as told to do
by the nut tied to the mast.

Two oarsmen sat, and faced rearwards
watched the captain eyes grow wide
"I'm happy we can't hear those words"
To which the other replied...

"'tis true me boy. for if it so
we'd be dashed against the rock.
Instead of us rowing hard I wish they'd go
and fly a sail upon his

...dang, where's that rhyming dictionary....

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hmmm...
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000 11:05:45 +1000

'Sara M' wrote:
><EGK looks in coffee cup suspiciously>

<GWD must be having what you're having>

Time has passed since on that night
So many years ago
When moments shared in candle light
Fed passion's roaring glow.

Well my beloved, for that you are
My heart is always true
Though temptress might a weakness jar
I always think of you.

If I should die, as seems I might
(in future time, at least)
The thought of you, that summer night...
Well, Death will come in peace.

No need, my dear, of nails to crawl
To be my slave of love.
You have my heart, my soul, my all
That's the spell you wove.

GW "Byron's grave-turner" De Lacey

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hmmm...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 22:32:24 -0400

Daniel E. Macks declared:
} dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if glass is a liquid

[JIM dons his physicist hat]

Actually, glass is a super-cooled gas. That's why in really, really old buildings (like 10 or 20 years old), there's no glass in the windows - because all the glass has evaporated.

[Doffs physicist hat]


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Call in the Mounties!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2000 22:25:14 -0400

Daniel E. Macks declared:
} Reuters headline: "Giant Bullfrogs are Threatening Canada"

Complete fabrication. There are no giant.. hang on, there's someone at the door.

Yes? Donations to protect wetlands? No, I'm sorry, not today... Hey! You can't... OH MY GOD! You're not a fat hippie in a green dress!! You're aAAAAAAAAA%^U*8`NO CARRIER

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sunday Projects
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2000 17:55:05 +0100

-- Enfin, Maréchal Pétain, vous êtes le dernier candidat pour la position de président de France Vichy. Avez vous apporté votre résumé?

-- Bien sûr. Voilà!

-- "Possession de nez rouge, d'automobile très petite et de pantalon très très grand..." Mais, c'est le résumé d'un clown du circus!

-- Oh, mon mauvais. Voilà mon autre résumé.

-- Portez vous toujours deux résumés avec vous?

-- Mais oui! C'est la raison on m'appelle Pétain de 2 CVs.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*--Sorry, I suddenly came over all franglais--

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Sunday Projects
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 31 Jul 2000 02:34:03 GMT

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> said:
}Yesterday I purchased the following items at the farmers' market:
}20 lbs. Roma tomatoes
}5 lbs. Vidalia onions
}2 lbs. fresh basil
}2 lbs. garlic
}12 (or so) lbs. pickling cucumbers
}2 cabages
}1 lb. mushrooms
}7 very hot peppers
}And then later, at Publix, I purchased another 3.75 lbs. mushrooms, some quart jars and lids, vinegar, Gallo Red Rose wine, and pine nuts. Jeesh, but the pine nuts are pricey this year.

Why not get deer nuts instead? They're under a buck.

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