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2000 06 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So where'd everybody go?
From: "Lord Insidious, World Dominator" <yvrorezn.voicenet.com>
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000 03:16:54 -0400

minewname (response written after the first epiphany) wrote:
>"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>> My specialty is tuna surprise. The surprise is that there is no tuna in it.
>Lying like that is a SIN!

Indeed, any position but missionary.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So where'd everybody go?
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 14:29:41 -0500

GW De Lacey wrote:
> 'Jim Evans' wrote:
> > JIM, I'd especially like to learn how to do a sheep shank
> > <lurk>
> <Mode = Ingenuous >
> Why its really very simple. First you make a loop somewhere along the rope. Then you tie a half-hitch at the top and bottom of the loop. Shortens the rope.
> A half hitch is half of a clove hitch.
> A clove hitch is two half hitches tied in the same direction, a bit like a side on grannies knot.
> A grannies knot is a reef knot gone wrong.
> A reef knot is a grannies knot tied in opposite directions, a bit like a bowline.
> A bowline is...
> Well you get the idea.
> Simple, isn't it?

Fraid Knot

-- Al, well no one else said it yet.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cats
From: Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com>
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000 02:25:30 GMT

"minewname" <minewname.hotmail.com> wrote:
> > > My wife keeps our pussy shaved.

pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy

I would say it has a nice ring to it, but that's DMP's penis.

<ba-doom ching>

> This is NOT the type of discussion that you should be engaged in EVER.

Oh spank me naughty mama! Billy been a bad, bad boy!

> That is even more important when you realize that children, any children in the world, might be reading this message board!

Oh come on, we all know that those Greek kids are up to.

> You are very very sick individuals and I wouldn't bother reading your obscenities, expect I can't bear the thought that you are dragging the children down into your pit of hell with you.

Like Beka?

>Don't you know how wrong that is?

Um... don't tell me, I know this one... um... What is the Magna Carta? D'oh! I mean 1792! What is 1792!

> Privates are meant to be private, that is why they are called that.

My privates are publics. Now, if I could only find someone to share them with.

> They should not be discussed in public, that should not be shown.

Who's in public? We're in Usenet, safely behind fake Email accounts and phony names, just like you.

> If this behavior continues I will report all of you to the police, I don't want to but it is for you're own good.



>Mr. Evans?


>Is this Mr. Jim Evans?

Yes? It's two-thirty in the morning, who is this?

>This is the Newark, New Jersey, police department. I'm afraid we've gotten a complaint about you from a Mrs. Wagner. She claims you were "using naughty words on the internet and sending innocent children to hell." We'll be driving up tomorrow to extradite you. See you in the morning.

Oh, Ok. Good night then.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cats
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 21:40:43 -0700

"minewname" <minewname.hotmail.com> wrote:
>"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> "Ed Chauvin IV" <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
>> > Wikkit wrote:
>> > >[1] Oh, and are there any ways to get him to shed less? You could stuff a pillow with the amount of fur he shoots in a day.
>> > My wife keeps our pussy shaved.
>> GIF!
>This is NOT the type of discussion that you should be engaged in EVER. That is even more important when you realize that children, any children in the world, might be reading this message board!

Ya know, we were talking about cats, Daniel is quite the cat fancier, and is awfully fond of his Egyptian Sphinx. Seeing another feline shaved or cropped is a long running joke.

>You are very very sick individuals and I wouldn't bother reading your obscenities, expect I can't bear the thought that you are dragging the children down into your pit of hell with you. Don't you know how wrong that is?

This from someone who is teaching their kids all of the dirty phrases. Every time he hears one he jumps around in a panic. Dang, if I were eight years old, that'd be better than a remote control cattle prod. Oh well, as they say, "The devil works through Evangelists".

>Privates are meant to be private, that is why they are called that.

Until they're promoted, but then you dislike corporal things too, don't you?

>They should not be discussed in public, that should not be shown.

The public should not be shown?

>If this behavior continues I will report all of you to the police, I don't want to but it is for you're own good.

Station house, Sgt. O'Reid speakin'.
Oh, good eve'n Mr. Haczyk, who is doin' the criminal deeds tonight?
Ah, A Mr. Knows.
Does he have a first name?
Nobody. The name is "Nobody Knows", issit? Mr. Haczyk, have you been getting enough ventilation tonight?
Oh, I see, he's someone on the internet, is he?
Have you reported him to MSN yet?
And they said?
Did they, now?
Yes, It's a terrible thing that thing that they be laughin'.
Endangering the children? What do you mean?
They were requesting pictures of shaved cat?
And was this cat wearing any sort of bondage apparel?
Was this cat underage? Me own cat was courtin' the ladies at two before the missus took him to the vet.
Well, where is this Mr. Knows?
Somewhere in the United States? Well, I suppose it narrows it down a bit, yes.
I'm afraid it might be a bit out of our jurisdiction, you know.
Mr. Haczyk, do you remember the gentleman you reported to us last month?
Yes, the one and the same Mr. Screwtape? Well it seems he makes his criminal lair in Australia, and the lads tell me it's awfully hard to find a gas station once you get a few hundred miles off the coast of California.
Yes, and the seawater does the car not a bit of good at all.
Yes, sir, I'll be sure to investigate it first thing in the mornin'.
Ah, Mr. Haczyk, I'm afraid I'll have to cut this short, I'm afraid that Ms. Thomas has been swimming nude in the fountains again. Can I put ya on hold for a bit.

No, I'll remember to pick up again this time...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things I forgot to tell you
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 23:38:36 +1000

Amanda Huggenkiss schrieb:
>I hope the calamine/sun milk/whatever helped.

Sun milk?

Talk about your breakthroughs in bio-technology

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things I forgot to tell you
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause.cs.uiuc.edu>
Date: 23 Jun 2000 14:01:15 -0500

minewname.hotmail.com wrote:
> "Fierce Cookie" <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> >Oh please, 'she' is one of us trolling. And I think she's doing a brilliant job of it, I find it fucking hysterical! (and no, I'm not s/h/it)
>> Pssssssst! Dumpcarat! I'm responding to the troll in the only way appropriate: I'm trolling back. (Don't tell anyone.)
> Your not doing a very good job.

Mrs minewname?
We're from the Ministry of Trolling. This is Squaky Troll, and I'm Grumpy Troll.
No, I don't believe we've met.
We have been following your recent job in rec.humor.oracle.d with great interest. It's been...
No, a certain DMP tipped us off. Now, it started out on an excellent tone, and you managed to get some RHODites to fall for it...
No, not all, but quite a few. Which in itself is an accomplishment,...
Not at all. However, your most recent efforts have shown an abysmal lack of quality, and we must therefore warn you that...
No, this is not a troll.
Yes, I know we're trolls, but trolling is serious business, you of all should know that.
*As* *I* *said*, we must warn you that you are in danger of having your trolling license revoked.
No, that doesn't matter. A bad troll is a bad troll, no matter who has recommended it.
So, Mrs minewname, you have two options: Either stop trolling in RHOD at all, or else bring your quality back up to par. I would indeed prefer the latter, but it will not be easy now that the element of uncertainty is gone.
You have exactly two days to show your dedication to the Troll community. Consider yourself warned. Thank you. HAND.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things I forgot to tell you
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 22:58:09 +1000

Freyja wrote:
> Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> | Jeff Zeitlin said:
> | ; Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> | ; >Um, who said anything about two men having sex? Natural or not, that is NOT what I said. For that matter, where did I say ANYTHING about sex on TV?
> | ; I would never have sex on TV. The antennae would keep poking me (and my partner) in inappropriately tender locations.
> | That's why you need cable. All the sex on TV you want, and no antennas to ruin the reception.
> I'm tired of all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off! </MontyPython>

If you think *that's* bad try having the Mormon Tabernacle Choir on your radio.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things I forgot to tell you
From: Amanda Huggenkiss <usenet.culmer.org.uk>
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 10:04:08 +0100

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>Of course, that reminds me of the age-old debate of violence on television. A co-worker and I went out for lunch, and of course the topic came up, otherwise what would be the point of me relating the story?
>Co-Worker: The trouble is violence on TV!
>Me: That's silly. There's humor on television, too; does that cause humor in the streets?
>CW: Yes, actually.
>Me: Okay, but it's not -good- humor, is it? And it's the same case with violence.
>CW: So you're saying that just as we need better quality humor out on the streets, we need better quality violence?
>Me: Right!

Reminds me of a wrestler, who was also a quaker, trying to explain to some bozo that force is no way of convincing some one. After much debate, he picks up the bozo and chucks him across the room.

Wrestler: Now do you believe me?
Bozo: No.
Wrestler: Exactly my point.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Power Outage
From: "trog" <trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk>
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000 19:35:25 +0100

"Nobody Knows" wrote ...
> "Sara M" <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> > Nobody Knows wrote:
> > > And I miss Houston...
> > And I Miss Australia - how do you do <g>
> I punched Miss Congeniality in the nose...

I miss conception.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dumber than Clerks
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 2000 02:09:11 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> wrote:
>> A RHOD *chatroom*?
>What... you guys don't want to talk to me?

Well, I was imagining it more like everyone logging in at their respective lunch hours to find that they're the only ones keeping those hours.

6/25/2000 3:33pst - SID HAS ARRIVED
SID: Anyone here?
SID: hello?
SID: Ok, guess I'm leaving.
6/25/2000 3:57pst - SID HAS LEFT
6/25/2000 4:30pst - MALC HAS ARRIVED
MALC: Hello?
MALC: Bugger.
6/25/2000 4:33pst - MALC HAS LEFT
6/25/2000 7:33pst - NOLSMI HAS ARRIVED
NOLSMI: Hello?
NOLSMI: Hello?
NOLSMI: Hello?
NOLSMI: Hello?
NOLSMI: Hello?
NOLSMI: People won't treat me like this in Strya.
6/25/2000 8:23pst - NOLSMI HAS LEFT
6/25/2000 9:04pst - VIKI HAS ARRIVED
VIKI: Love me!
VIKI: Hello?
VIKI: Helloooooooooooooo?
6/25/2000 9:11pst - VIKI HAS LEFT
6/25/2000 10:53pst - DMP HAS ARRIVED
DMP: Hey!
DMP: Hello?
DMP: Where is everyone?
DMP: Ok, I'm off to get my colon pierced. Later.
6/25/2000 12:33pst - ROBOTKARATEM HAS ARRIVED
ROBOTKARATEM: Dammit. Gotta fix that.
ROBOTKARATEM: Anyone here?
ROBOTKARATEM: This sucks. I thought more people would be interested in this.
6/25/2000 12:47pst - ROBOTKARATEM HAS LEFT

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dumber than Clerks
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 19 Jun 2000 21:52:12 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
> Robot Karate Man 2030 declared:
>} st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>} >A RHOD *chatroom*?
>} >Not to diss poor ~Steve-o, but isn't anyone *worried* by that idea?
>} I thought it had horrible, evil intonations. Exactly why I'm doing it. Besides, I'm writing a chatroom in FLASH and have nothing to do with it.
>Ooh, FLASH... does that mean we get little animated icons?

No, that means every once in a while, the server walks by in a trenchcoat and momentarily exposes itself.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies bare their internal code

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: venting
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 2000 11:16:13 +1000

Chris Wesling wrote:
> Viki wrote:
> > Nobody Knows wrote...
> > > > > I'm getting some, are you?
> > > > If I were getting some I would not be so obsessed to write about it all the time in the ng. And thanks for reminding me, YFF.
> > > Gosh, I get it every day, but I'm still obsessed to write about it all the time in the ng.
> > Well you have a point.
> Did you *have* to bring up his piercings again??

She *ate* them...?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ?taht thiw pu s'tahW
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000 14:03:06 -0400

sjg32.bioc.cam.ac.uk (Simon Grimshaw) wrote:
>Don't you just hate it when you think you've had an original idea, then it turns out someone else thought of it ages ago?

Yeah, I got scooped on the wheel thing. I invested years of my life, tons of money on R&D, and then found out that bastard Og invented the damn thing forty thousand years ago.

But now I've developed a new chemical that will revolutionize cooking as we know it. Ironically, it takes two EXTEMELY dangerous elements, one that explodes on contact with water, and another that's a poisonous gas. Together they turn into this stuff that makes a world of difference in the flavor of French fries.

And you should see what it does to slugs!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm back! And somebody kill deja please.
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 08:49:01 -0700

Sofie wrote:
> Sorry 'bout the disappearing act, but I've just been through the Week From Hell with only just enough access to the net to check and answer my email. Plus, deja is acting up so I'm gonna try another service.


Sofie peered into the darkness, where a strange man was beckoning for her attention. Expertly concealing her fear, not to mention the AK-47 she kept in her back pocket for just such an emergency, she moseyed on over to him.

She could see him clearly now: dark trenchcoat, sunglasses, fedora, the works. He looked like he just stepped out of "How to Look Like a Secret Agent," and he had pulled out all the stops. He was even carrying a conspicuous-looking suitcase, which he placed in her hands once she was close enough.

"What's this?" she asked, but he put his index finger to his lips and began to retreat further into the shadows.

"A little gift from Infind.com," he muttered, almost inaudibly.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with it?" she queried, but it was too late. He had gone. Or was ignoring her, which was a bit more likely.

She shrugged, having more to deal with in life than the petty meanderings of inconsequential morons who might decide to dress in suspicious attire, lurk in shadows, and give strange gifts to absolute strangers. With that thought completed, she lay the suitcase on the floor and popped it open.

And out came: (obsolete URL for web-based news:rec.humor.oracle.d)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just A Question
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 12:24:33 -0700

Pieceoftheuniverse has pondered minewname's question deeply.
minewname wrote:
> What is so funny about the greatest business tool ever invented? Don't you realize that even creating a group like this deters people from buying a true top quality product? You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

And thus spake Piece:

"Greatest business tool ever invented"? Are you -mad-?!

I use Oracle. Daily. I am frustrated with it's sluggish response times, its aversion to updates, its pechance for crashing at inopportune times, and the brand new bugs found every single day. I am assured by various measures of tech support that we are far better off for this malicious wonder of the western world, but I have yet to see evidence of this. Customization was slow and terribly painful, and downtime alone is no doubt responsible for several million dollars down the tube.

"Top quality"? Only in the sense that it far and above exceeds what I, in my pessimistic consumer mind, think of when I head out to purchase a new piece of software. I expect bugs, I expect crashes, I expect time lost and money wasted. I expect errors of every kind in language no mortal in his or her right mind would write, much less fully comprehend. I expect tales of such unimaginable horror shared during coffee breaks and lunchtime meals that it turns stomachs and put people off their food. Yes, it's top quality, in the same way a Microsoft product is.

I spit on this travesty called Oracle Systems, Inc. It is a disgrace to the name of the Great and Powerful Almighty Oracle, knower of all, seeker of none, and master of our fates. Tremble, minewname, for he comes for you. Hide; it will do you no good. Fear; it is the best you can do. Grovel; he will enjoy your words even as he rips them from your lips.
pieceoftheuniverse - er, </wibble>. Got a bit carried away there...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just A Question
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 16:03:18 -0700

Always a helpful li'l bot, Jim Evans wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse declared:
> [snip]
> } ---
> } pieceoftheuniverse - er, </wibble>. Got a bit carried away there...
> POTU, old chap: YHBT. YHL. HAND.

<You Have Been Trolled. You Have Lost. Have A Nice Day.>

Acronym translator at standby...
Acronym translator activated. Working...
Message translated. Message follows:

Pieceoftheuniverse, old chap: You Have Bad Teeth. You Have to Leave. Have a Nice Day.

>>>ERROR! Attempting translation....
Message follows:

Poor Old Troubled User, old chap: Yahoo Helps Buy Time. Yokels Have Lungs. Have A Nude Dingo.

>>>ERROR! Attempting translation...
Message follows:

Pastrami, Onion, Tomato, Uber, old chap. Yummy Ham Bacon and Tomato. You Have any Left? Hate to Abstain, Never [say] Die.

pieceoftheuniverse - damn program never worked well anyway -- thanks, JIM. I know. I have abased myself before rhod for punishment...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just A Question
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 20 Jun 2000 20:44:15 GMT

minewname <minewname.hotmail.com> said:
>"Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> "minewname" <minewname.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> You're not the smoothest marble in the drawer, are you?
>So now your going to insult me too? Why don't you all go back to grade school and learn some manners!

NK! I am shocked--SHOCKED!--that you would use such a childish insult! If you would just think logically for a single second, you'd see that the insult doesn't even make sense. Who died and put "smooth marble" in charge? Maybe having lumpy balls is a Good Thing(tm). And just because Minewname can trace his family wreath back several cycles is no reason to make fun of s/h/it. Just because what acts like an anacephalic throwback is no reason for public ridicule. I mean, how would *you* like it if you spent your pathetic little life acting as though you'd already been squicked, but not having the benefit of the squick itself? Now go sit in the corner!

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies think you need some fries in the Happy Meal

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just A Question
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 07:39:29 +1000

TechnoAtheist wrote:
> I became a military contractor.

Good for you. I've always said it was too big.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just A Question
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 08:24:24 GMT

Ian Davis wrote:
>Good for you. I've always said it was too big.

Ohh! Ohh! Me! Can I try? Pretty please?

That's what *she* sa¦‘^#Žõ)!µ+Ìê\~`À


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Okay, Okay...
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 15:40:39 -0400

"Nol Smi" <nol_smi.yahoo.com> wrote:
>Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> wrote:
>> "Drew Gillmore" <d_gillmore.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> >And next time, by golly, I'm gonna go for the _full_ assed attempt. I got two cheeks. Might as well use 'em.
>> Well half-assed is better than no ass at all, I always say. Just ask the Dread Pirate Half-Ass.
>What's 'is e-mail address?
> Have you tried these resources?
>Comparison shop for "Dread Pirate Half-Ass"
>Get answers on "Dread Pirate Half-Ass" from an expert at EXP.com
>Shop by request for "Dread Pirate Half-Ass" at Respond.com
>Find Yellow Page information on "Dread Pirate Half-Ass" at WorldPages.com
>Search - Know more! Get to know "Dread Pirate Half-Ass" at Britannica.com
>Refine your search on "Dread Pirate Half-Ass" with LookSmart Categories
>Nol "DPHA" Smi

At http://www.discover.net/~nqgiven/bibl.htm I found the following synopsis of the memoirs of Louis "Borgne Fesse" Le Golif, the nearly famous Dread Pirate Half-Ass:

"Le Golif, Louis, Memoirs of a Buccaneer, [translated by Malcom Barnes, reprinted by Simon and Schuster, 1954 (recently discovered, & heavily edited)]. The author, other wise known as Borgne-Fesse ("Half-Arse", because one buttock had been shot off by a cannon-ball) had been a French buccaneer. He tells about many of the extraordinary characters to be found among the buccaneer captains, such as Roche Braziliano and Montbars. It seems that it is not certain whether this book is authentic or a hoax, but is a good reference nevertheless."

The book is available on Amazon. I plan to grab a copy as soon as I get my new job (more on that when things are certain :)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Houston
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 2000 03:47:02 GMT

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>Some might argue that in some congregations that is not incompatible. Do you know how many flavors of Baptist are out there? Not to mention Pentecostal?

The great thing is that they're all convinced that the others are going to hell. I hope they're ALL right.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Just Thinking (Barely)
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 16:53:18 +0100

Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com> writes
>> -Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
>> --*----*---*---*-----*---So, anything been happening here lately?--
>Ah-HA. It was Richard. The only non-merkin here who would be so painstaking about speling things like Merkins do.

<Excuse me a moment whilst I dewibble. Normally, you see, the wibble stick is fixed permanently in the ON position, if only because it encourages vague innuendo of this sort. Dewibbling, for those who have never seen it happen, is a bloody impressive sight, at least, if you're a Klingon bird of prey it is. Otherwise, you just look a bit of a pranny>

Gadzooks, I sincerely hope you're joking, Fortune Creatures! I participate in the Oracle to try and make others laugh. Strangely enough, this comes quite close to my definition of humour. A troll's definition of humour appears to be causing others anger and embarrassment. To my way of thinking, trolls are repugnant little sociopaths who haven't the maturity to realise that the Internet is not just another computer game, it contains Real People<tm> who have got enough problems maintaining their own dignity and self-esteem out there in the Real World<tm> without some pubescoid cretin coming along and antagonising them here, where they come to unwind and have fun.

One thing I have always liked about rhod (even after the post quota went through the roof and the emphasis shifted from being funny to topping of Tom's traffic report by posting whatever drivel came to mind) (which, incidentally, is really sad, because I honestly believe that there are more funny people here now than there were during any past Golden Age old timers like me can remember. Okay, so most of these funny people are in fact TA, but the principle still holds). Where was I? Oh yes, what I like about rhod is that, unlike a lot of other froups, it remains a friendly place where newcomers don't have to be in on every joke not to feel ostracised (hell, you've even accepted the Baka creature from the Hall of the Mountain King, sort of). Outbursts of unpleasantness, deliberately provoked or otherwise, just serve to drive away the very people that make this place special.

So Minnie, whoever you may turn out to be (and, believe me, I'd really rather not know), the Curse of the Molerat<tm> be upon you! It is beside me now, doing a hard stare a la Paddington Bear in the general direction of the monitor. Okay, if you know what a molerat looks like, you'll know that this is not a particularly fearsome sight, but it is earnestly meant, that's the main thing.

<"Engage wibble drive, Mr Chekov." "Woojub worzelmangler plinth, Kipt'n!" "That's the trouble with wibbles...">

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----At least I didn't rant about cascaders again---
--*-----*--*---*--(they're the SPERM OF SATAN, do you hear me!!!)--
--*------*-*--(and no, I did not mean "spawn" - it's a Brit thing)-

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: And You Wonder Why I Mainly Do Askmes?
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 16:57:22 +0100

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} <short snipette>
} You owe the Oracle <shorter snipette> a less transparent effort to be included in the Oracularities for being clever.

Master, I've done as you instructed and devoted all my incarnatory efforts to following in your footsteps. My recent answers have included: "42", "I don't know, now go away before I Zot you", "} ", "the orcale isnt answeering cos you dint grovel suker", "M3 2!!!!1!!" and "Yes no hell." Naturally, I quoted the question and left my .sig on in each instance. These sterling attempts do not appear to have met with the digestive success you predicted, though I did receive a number of abusive emails.

Please tell me, Master: how do I go about getting included in the Oracularities for being stupid?

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*-God, I'm starting to sound like Zadoc--
--*-----*--*----*----*----*--*---*---*----Now that *is* scary--*---

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Not Humorous, Nothing to do with the Oracle, Probably Spam
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 2000 11:31:17 +1000

Jellyroll Papadopoulos wrote:
> It was one of those "Hey, Dad, how do I get a job abroad next week?" questions. <sigh>

Actually, he said, "I'm going to be abroad next week." Unfortunately you misinterpreted his meaning and are in for a nasty shock tomorrow. On the positive side, he won't be leaving the toilet seat up any more.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: New Kitten Chez Papdopoulos
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 21:38:50 GMT

Also Sprach Fierce Cookie:
> >> You could hang one of those little trees from his collar.
> >*boggle*
> >Bonzai Cat.
> No, that would be the one with the rising sun headband and no mouth.

I hate to get all serious on you, Paul dearest, but if it had no mouth then I WOULDN'T BE WORRIED ABOUT IT HAVING HALITOSIS, WOULD I?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rant: Upon an evil answer
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sat, 24 Jun 2000 10:23:02 -0500

Richard Wilson wrote:
} LucFrench writes
} >This, my friends, may be the work of The Queue Drainer, Reborn. [End rant]
} I've had one or two of these very recently. My guess is, someone on rhod got careless and fed the trolls goatsmeat after midnight, so they reproduced like gremlins and are now also infesting the Oracle process itself. Kids, this is what happens when you don't look after your pets properly.

At last. A voice of insanity amidst all the current reason.
Wait! Strike that. Reverse it.

Hold your breath.
Make a wish.
Count to three.

Come with me
And you'll be
In a froup of pure imagination.
Take a look
And you'll see
Into your imagination.

We'll begin
With a spin
Posting in a froup of our creation.
What you read
Will defy Explanation.

If you want to lose paradise
Simply troll around and do it
Anything you want to, screw it.
You want to change the froup?
There's nothing to it.

There is no rhod I know
To compare with Pure Imagination
Lurking there, You'll be free
If you truly wish to be.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rant: Upon an evil answer
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 22:30:46 -0500

On Mon, 26 Jun 2000, Ian Davis wrote:
} Al Sharka wrote:
} > Hold your breath.
} > Make a wish.
} > Count to three.
} [deleted]
} All this time we've been trying to keep the FAQ a secret, and you go and post it, just like that.

I know a froup where dreams are born
And laughter's never canned
It's not on any chart
You must find it with your heart
To come home to Rhodite Land.

It might be miles beyond the moon
Or right here where you stand
Just keep an open mind
And then suddenly you'll find
Rhodite, Rhodite Land.

The keyboards when you stay there
Are treasured more than gold
Once you've found your way there
You can never, never grow old.

And that's my froup where laughs are born
And time is never planned
Just think of funny things
And your heart will fly on wings, forever
To Never Never Land.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Rant: Upon an evil answer
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 27 Jun 2000 00:02:39 GMT

Daniel E. Macks <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> said:
>Very nice, though it took me a minute to realize it wasn't "Free to Be". Hmm...I'll be back a a jiffy.

There's a froup where I post (check the stats--I'm seventh most!)
And it seems we don't fear to post while having wine or beer
Take my hand, share your innermost, as the newbie we toast
Come with me, take my hand, and we'll live

In a froup where there's no ruler
In a froup with a dick bejeweler
In a froup to a crap cooler
And we make jokes about Euler and Ferris Beuller.

I see a man in bright red tights but it doesn't give me frights
'Cuz I know at this dance you needn't even wear pants
Take my hand, wear a thong, stick a needle through your shlong
Come along, take my thong, filk a song

For a froup for our dear Orrie.
For a froup where we cook newbie.
For a froup spelled RHOD.
For a froup with frog and fishie.
And you and me are free to be you and me.

Every boy loves his sheep, and knows the river's deep.
Every girl (or boy in cross-dress), a leather-clad mistress.
Come to bed, join with me, bring a friend or two or three!
Come to bed, screw my head, and we'll run...

To a froup with a barbeque perk
To a froup with an oregano quirk
To a froup that's more fun than _Clerks_
To a froup where the gaping ani lurk
To a froup to bitch about priests' work
And you and Kirk are free to lurk while at work

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies are every father's daughter and every mother's son

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Poor Jezabel...(not a troll)
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 18:18:20 +1000

Jezabel Dragon was in a huff -
The others had treated her *very* rough.
It wasn't HER fault she burnt the Queen's muff -
*Most* dragons are useless at ironing fluff.

The other mean dragons turned on her most gruff -
"Listen here missy - we've ALL had enough".
They ranted and railed till they ran out of puff.
Then they pinched her and hit her and gave her ears a big cuff 8(

Sobbing and shaking she packed up her stuff -
The dragons were stern - all cold-shouldered rebuff.
She pleaded and wheedled but those dragons were tough -
When the door slammed in her face she knew *this* was no bluff.

So she picked up her bag and took out her best snuff
And took two huge pinches with a horrible laugh
Then melted the palace - AND the topiary giraffe!
Then whistling smugly she skipped off down the parff.

EVIL Goodbye Kitty

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Ogden Nash's love child strikes again...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 2000 11:03:41 +1000

I think I'd like an army - one that I command.
I'd march them up and down the streets -
Do you not think they'd look quite grand?

I'd dress them in tight uniforms -
With lots of golden braid.
I think they'd look *so* splendid when trooping on parade.

Each one would have a rifle - and a very long bayonette -
And a lovely furled umbrella - in case it should get wet.

And on their heads? Tall hairy hats -
Made, of course, from mouthless cats.
And boots! Oh yes - they'll have those too -
Up to the knee I think - don't you?

And cummerbunds - and kilts on some -
- always amusing when *they* run -
And leather gloves? Yes - I think so too -
I don't much like cold hands - do you?

And instruments? A marching band -
Every tuba in the land!
With glockenspiels - and zithers too -
Castanets, and the odd kazoo.

And army ducks - And tanks galore -
But painted blue because I like that more.
And marching girls? Hmmm - perhaps not them.
It *is* my army - they can all be men.

Yes - what a wondrous sight they'd make -
My fine soldiers marching tall...

Yep - I think I'll *definitely* go make some -

Goodbye - farewell - that's all.

EVIL Goodbye Kitty,
on a roll...

(hold the mayo)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Wibble, please.
From: GW De Lacey <gdelacey.byronit.com>
Date: Thu, 29 Jun 2000 20:17:35 +1000

'Fierce Cookie' wrote:
>>> The very idea.
>>> Pigeon should be hung for a week after killing, then plucked and gutted (saving the tasty bits for the soup), then let to stand overnight in a fine white wine.
>>> THEN you barbecue the sucker.
>>But pigeons don't *have* suckers...
>>Least - not the ones down *here*...
>Okay, then you barbeque the PLUCKER, and toss the pigeon in the dustbin.
>You *do* have dustbins down there, don't you?
Of course, but we never use them. Every time you take the lid off, the garbage falls out.
GW DE Lacey. Upside down, down under.

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