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2000 06 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: From the vaults...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 01 Jun 2000 11:36:31 +1000

Dana Scully wrote:
> Sara M wrote:
> > Dana Scully wrote:
> > > Gifted?
> > Jealous?
> No, not as long as I get to be the sexy one.

Perhaps one day, if you keep applying the cream properly...and they can do wonders with support garments these days...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Piece of Trouble
From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (Fierce Cookie)
Date: Fri, 09 Jun 2000 00:01:39 GMT

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>Walk this way!

Darlin', if I could walk that way I wouldn't need no suppositories.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Piece of Trouble
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 14:36:04 +1000

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>Sara M wrote:
> > > >> ; >> > I'm a teapot.
> > > >> ; >> I am the walrus.
> > > >> ; >I am Ironman.
> > > >> ; I'm the one, natural one.
> > > >> I am a meat popsicle.
> > > >I am not a vegetarian.
> > > I am not a vegetable.
> > *I* am the Pirate King!
> Pirate *Queen*, dearie.

A girl can dream can't she...?

I have the boots - I have the swagger -
The cutlass, parrot and concealed dagger.
I've got the off-the-shoulder top
(and a WonderBra cos they help a *lot*).
I have the ship - a sleek brigantine -
Painted black so it looks right mean.
I have a whip - and a "cat" of course -
(But I think the "cannon" had best be yours...)

I have a suitably scurvy crew -
And a yardarm to lash the naughty to...
I've the feathered hat - I have the leer -
And these are rum barrels stacked up in here...

I've learnt to swear - I have sea charts -
I know mainsail from mizzen mast...
Rapine, plunder - rogering -
I as a pirate do *all* of these things.

Now wouldn't you rather run away to sea
And be a Pirate King just like me?
Not convinced there yet I see?
(This won't take long - just bear with me...)

There's one last thing that I should say -
One last fact that I should mention -
Between Pirate Kings and Pirate Queens -
It's not the *Queens* who do the wenching...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Leaving Rhod
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2000 10:56:31 -0600

"Sid" <sid.siddhartha.8m.com> wrote...
> Pah. I have a god named after me. And a whole religion following me.

Oh, they probably just want their loincloths back.

Kevin

ps. You look cute in a turban, Sid.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Flame warriors
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 1 Jun 2000 23:38:01 GMT

Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> said:
> Lane Gray, Czar Castic said:
>; Hippie and I are naturists, and we have given up entirely on rec.nude, as it is mostly flame wars. That, and blatant trolls who are trying to get another started.
>Isn't there a moderated version of that froup?

rec.moderately-nude doesn't seem to be well-propagated.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies better send a new newdgroup message


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Who's Who
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 2 Jun 2000 01:31:13 GMT

TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
> steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030) wrote:
>>I'm thinking of either putting together a RHOD picture page, or setting up a RHOD photo album on Zing.
>>Anyone interested?
>I'd submit my picture, but I'm afraid that it's already being used for a highly successful birth control program.

Yeah...quite clever how they hologramed it onto condoms like that.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies didn't know your nose was 13 inches long


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Who's Who
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 02 Jun 2000 17:47:47 +1000

Daniel E. Macks wrote:
> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> said:
> >Screwtape wrote:
> >> Sara M schrieb:
> >> >Jim Evans wrote:
> >> >> JIM, six veils short of a dance
> >> >I'll give them back if you tell me what a "Balogna" is...
> >> Isn't that the big bad-ass evil creature guarding the mines of Moria?
> >Oh sure - and I suppose next you're going to tell us it's actually a giant mortadella that ferries people across the River Styx, Satan has retired and left his duties to a rather ferocious-looking cabanossi, St Peter is now St Pastrami, Hitler was an evil knackwurst and god is a honey-glazed ham?
> Would you say he's an <finger to corner of mouth> *evil* knackwurst? And would his annoying kid brother be a bratwurst?

Nah - I heard his kid brother was a Hung Aryan salami

> dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have gone from bad to wurst
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Good - then they'll *never* think to look for me down here...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Who's Who
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 7 Jun 2000 13:56:42 GMT

John Dougherty <johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net> said:
> "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>>True Story: In college I was asked by one professor, "how many times do you expect your grandmother to die this semester?" Everyone of my professors knew I was lying about Grandma dying again, but they liked me so they let it slide. Besides I usually turned in my papers only 4-8 hours late.
>Last year, one of my students had what I consider to be the ultimate "dead relative" excuse: her roomate's fiance had committed suicide and she needs to be there to console her and drive her to the funeral[1]. Since she was getting an A in the class anyway, I figured requiring extensive proof would be tacky and gave a make-up test.

You must produce the body!

>[1] Several hours away, very near a major ski resort area.

Yeah...the guy seemed to okay, but his health suddenly went down-hill.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies wonder if a church yard counts as cross-country


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Who's Who
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Wed, 07 Jun 2000 15:44:24 -0500

Daniel Glick wrote:
> What comes after the end of time?

A question mark.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: RHOD Who's Who
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 09 Jun 2000 02:13:29 +1000

Screwtape wrote:
> Robot Karate Man 2030 schrieb:
> >Cool, I hereby deem myself IMPERTINENT, and will bestow such upon anyone impertinent enough to ask for it.
> Hey, man! You gotta give *me* some of that IMPERTINENT stuff!
> Screwtape,
> ...pertinent.

me in Frrrench Maid guise,
...pert


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Signs o' the Times
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 21:14:26 +0100

Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com> writes
>Also Sprach Richard Wilson:
>> Malc, is that you?
>Please, Richard, there's no point in my grepping if you just invoke me like some cheap Kibo impersonator, is there?

So what you're saying is, henceforth you wish to be alluded to in the most oblique way possible, to test your grepping mettle (by gum, that sounds satisfyingly rude), is that it?

So there I was, playing pelota with my auntie, when I accidentally biffed her and fractured her penumbra, which had to be fitted with a splint...

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--Gotta go now, our Greek chef's serving up his trademark dessert--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So where'd everybody go?
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sat, 03 Jun 2000 16:36:38 GMT

Also Sprach Freyja:
> *I'm* older than dirt.

*I* was project manager for the team that first brought dirt to market.

There was a huge demand for dirt in those days, but since dirt did not yet exist there was no way for even the most astute entrepreneur to make a buck off it. As soon as we realised this, we formed the Dirt Design Team. Since we didn't have BS 5750 or any other development methodology, we were able to design, produce, distribute and market dirt in a remarkably short time. The rest, as they say, is pre-history.

Dirt 2.0 is now in beta.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So where'd everybody go?
From: Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com>
Date: Mon, 05 Jun 2000 05:58:45 -0400

Screwtape wrote:
>Jim Evans schrieb:
>>On Mon, 5 Jun 2000, Master Screwtape declared:
>>} Hey! Don't give her ideas! The present she did give me is about six feet by six feet by three feet, and shakes like jelly. It's gonna take me *years* to eat it, I'm sure...
>>But the question is, how long will it take to eat you?
>I never thought of that - maybe it's a Gelatinous Cube! Dammit, and all the warriors are gone to Ragnarok, leaving me alone with this carnivorous, if raspberry flavoured, beastie.

Nope, cubes have all their sides the same length. That's a Gelatinous Rectangular Prism.

Ed Chauvin IV


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: So where'd everybody go?
From: johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net (John Dougherty)
Date: 06 Jun 2000 00:32:20 EDT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies were born to bonk

<tourguide>
And here we have a fine specimen of a rare mutant strain of betta
<sfx BONK /sfx>
or Siamese fighting fish, bred by one Daniel E. Macks.
<sfx BONK /sfx>
This fish spends its entire life
<sfx BONK /sfx>
repeatedly swimming headfirst into the glass of its container
<sfx BONK /sfx>
at great speed, and without apparent ill effect.
<sfx BONK /sfx>
Apparently, they are, "born to bonk."
<sfx BONK /sfx>
Next, in the museum's most popular exhibit, we have several specimens of a special breed of hare, which never stop, "boinking like bunnies..."
</tourguide>

John D


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: If...
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 18:05:22 +0100

I haven't inflicted a rhodpome on the assembled throng in a while, so it's about time again. Well, that's not strictly speaking true, but it seems a surefire way to get Hetta to BORHOD me out of all proportion to my actual contribution to the froup, which is reason enow, shirley?

Anyway, here's one celebrating the priesthood. For all their strange little quirks and bizarre inability to consistently select our unmistakable masterpieces for the digests, where would we be without them, bless their little cotton socks and frilly undergarments? Answers on a postcard.

If you can spot a gag when all about you
Can't see it and are calling you a twit,
If you don't mind that incarnations doubt you
Would know real humour if you stepped in it;
If you can bear to see your in-tray piled high
With junk you'd normally not read for a bet,
If you can keep your cool and not get riled by
The thought that others all the funny answers get;

If you can post to RHOD and keep your virtue,
If you can get by without any sleep,
If slanderous lies and rumours do not hurt you,
Not even those involving plastic sheep;
If you can spend each unforgiving minute
Filling the digests, and still think it fun,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it...
Just kidding - but you'll be a Priest my son.

-Richyard Wilsling---*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*----Who'da thought that bunch of Jingoistic crap---
--*-----*--*----*-would get voted the nation's favourite pome, eh?-

From: putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com (And Spits by Ground)
I don't get it.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Who's Who is Up
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 11:20:55 -0400

On Sun, 4 Jun 2000, Master Screwtape declared:
} Al Sharka schrieb:
} >Screwtape wrote:
} >} Freyja schrieb:
} >} >Months, my foot! You did it last month!
} >} Well, it's still my turn to sit in the front seat! You do it *all* the time!
} >Maaaaa-om! Screwtape's touchin' me on my side of the froup again!
} Shuddup, kid, or when we get there I'll do more'n just touch you..!

Maaaaa-om! Screwtape's a dirty old man!!

} Screwtape,
} ...which brings up the question, where is this froup headed?

I don't know, but it's rather crowded in this hand-basket.

JIM, with apologies to Cici


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: hey dan
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 14:39:21 -0400

Master Robot Karate Man 2030 declared:
} Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
} >>Make sure she washes her hands after handling the hamster.
} >Particularly if she's feeling sneezy.
} If I caught my daughter groping some dwarf I'd kick his ass!

Nine minutes flat. Not bad.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things I've Learned While Doing the Whos Who Pages
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 6 Jun 2000 17:13:38 -0400

Kevin Kelley declared:
} "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
} >"Robot Karate Man 2030" <steveo.moonman.com> wrote...
} >> 1. Julsy is a 350 pound guy from Wisconsin who has pictures of some italian model babe on his page.
} >She certainly is a babe isn't she.
} Yowza, no kidding. What's the internet coming to? What happened to the days when usenet was 99% geek-male and structured along the lines of Calvin and Hobbes's G.R.O.S.S. club? Or the Little Rascals' "No Girls Allowed" routine, for the other old farts(tm)?

Men, we must redouble our efforts! Follow fearless Leader Wikkit, he'll show us the way!

} Seems that a New Day is dawning, and it's time we should clean up our act. Or at least put on some pants.

Ha ha ha!! Oh wait, that sentence had "pants" in it originally, didn't it?

} Oh yeah, and in my latest bid for attention, since the wreck last week didn't draw nearly as many flowers and boxes of chocolates as I'd have liked, let me just mention the results of my latest x-rays: five broken ribs, to go along with the fractured and dislocated clavicle and the hand-sized section of skin burned off the back of my leg.

Good lhord man, tell them to use smaller x-rays!

} Not sure what I'm gonna do next week, I'm running out of body-parts.

That's what EGK said!

} Kevin "crash" Kelley

JIM, now *there's* a Manly Nickname


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things I've Learned While Doing the Whos Who Pages
From: steveo.moonman.com (Robot Karate Man 2030)
Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2000 15:06:25 GMT

Sofie <fiewerkers.mail.be> wrote:
>> Leaving so soon..?
>Oh no, just settling back with a drink and the satisfaction of a job well done.

We used to have bean bag chairs, but people like Tom "Tom" took them with them when they left.

Now we just have the few random beans that fell out in a Ziploc baggie.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Top 10 Things I've Learned While Doing the Whos Who Pages
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 13 Jun 2000 03:37:13 GMT

Robot Karate Man 2030 <steveo.moonman.com> said:
> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
>>Typical college student, in other words. Hey, you know, those Kraft Macaroni & Cheese boxes are really cheap...
>Hey, you know that you can make ramen noodles in a Mr. Coffee?

Well I got a nice pot of broth, but the noodles sorta got stuck in the filter. Oh well, I may as well leave 'em there for the next person.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like a good cappelliniucino


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, Alison!
From: TechnoAtheist <jrconlinNOjrSPAM.yahoo.com.invalid>
Date: Thu, 08 Jun 2000 09:37:58 -0700

Sofie <fiewerkers.mail.be> wrote:
>Sigh. How do I explain this to non-fandom people? I write slash, which is fanfiction containing or even centering around a same-sex relationship. Unlike most other slashers, I don't write in Star
Trek [bleh], Herc/Xenaverse [ick] or The Sentinel [ack], but rather pervert anything I can get my hands on, up to and including the Looney Tunes, Stand by Me, metallica and the Sex Pistols.

Ooh. Nifty!

Slash technical manuals!

"/dev/ptty12 longed for another pipe, the surge that comes rushing into his STDIN as his STDOUT explodes in hot data. He wanted cat, he wanted man, he wanted more!"

>> >Or maybe not. If there's one thing I've learned from three months of lurkdom, it's that one can expect anything from rhodites.

Especially if it's offensive to houseplants, and SCSI ports!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Hey, Alison!
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 00:39:22 +1000

Amanda Huggenkiss schrieb:
>Do .be do .be do...

You want suck, I suck! You want blow, I blow! You want.. inner-lectual dis-putation, I got a big belch!

Screwtape,
...it's not what it sounds like, I swear.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Man on the Moon
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, 09 Jun 2000 12:00:29 -0700

RobotKarateMan 2030 wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
> >Rent "Dogma," if you want a movie that definitely does not suck.
> Well, I'll admit, I didn't think that one sucked at all, I thought it blew. Who told Alanis she could act?

From: oracle.cs.indiana.edu
To: AlanisM.musicmusicmusic.com
Subject: The Oracle Replies!

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise:
> I have been offered to play God in an upcoming movie with an ensemble cast. The script looks quite good, the humor is adolescent but present, and the idea is interesting if nothing else. Should I do it? I don't think I really have the acting ability, but I leave it to you...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the hell, do it.
} I can promise you that your fan base will stand for you when quite a few complain about your acting (or lack thereof), so there's no need to worry about that. Just have fun with the role. From what I understand, it's not even a speaking part, so there's no fear of "motivation" or even "acting" as such. Just walk around acting imperious, and no one will notice the difference -- no one of any importance, anyway.
} Besides, how many actors can put on their resume "Played God"? Charleton Heston, and that's about it. Go for it. It's a chance of a lifetime, even if the movie bombs.
} You owe the Oracle tickets to the premiere.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I'm not a lawyer...
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 09:46:57 +1000

Billy Phred! schrieb:
>putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com wrote:
>> Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com> wrote:
>> > "Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>> >> BP! Do you know how expensive law school is???? Jeepers!
>> >They just do that to keep the lawyer populations low.
>> There are much more efficient ways of doing that, you know.
>Yes, but semi-automatic weapons might not be legal in this country much longer.

See, that's the Lawyer's cute little self-defense mechanism. Beauty, ain't 'e?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Slow Digests?
From: "P. Shaughnessy" <pshaughn.mediaone.net>
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 2000 23:05:59 GMT

Robot Karate Man 2030 wrote:
> Is it just me, or have the digests been slow of late?

I'd have to guess the Oracle is wearing a ring of slow digestion.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Ok!
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 11 Jun 2000 08:24:31 +0100

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> writes
>I much prefer using "et hoc genus omne" anyway, which The Superior Person's Book of Words says is Latin for "and all that sort of thing". And such a phrase should *never* be abbreviated.

"That is to say", OTOH, is ideal rhod acronym material.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--I'll leave it to someone else to explain what TODGER stands for--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cheap Sex
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 13 Jun 2000 02:48:02 GMT

Viki <vikiv.netscape.net> said:
>Sara M wrote:
>> Viki wrote:
>> > Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>> > > So, like should we start a new topic or something? The others have all gone stale...
>> > Cheap sex? Define cheap.
>> *They* pay for dinner!
>Well heck, I at least want lobster then. And champagne.

I can't afford lobster. Would you settle for crabs?

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies just have a cold sore


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Cats
From: "Nobody Knows" <ten.asu.rekrapmd>
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2000 10:43:29 -0500

"Ed Chauvin IV" <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
> Wikkit wrote:
> >[1] Oh, and are there any ways to get him to shed less? You could stuff a pillow with the amount of fur he shoots in a day.
> My wife keeps our pussy shaved.

GIF!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things I forgot to tell you
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 08:53:00 GMT

Freyja wrote:
>Pfah. I can out-ref you kids. Just because I was at the library and didn't answer first... (The library here needs SF&F. And more science, medical, travel, gemology, religion...)

And books, books would be nice too.
--
Now lets have a list of what's missing in Teh pet shop.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Power Outage
From: Fierce Cookie <putain.de.2cv.mindspring.com>
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 2000 17:43:15 -0400

pieceoftheuniverse wrote:
>A building tech just came by and said, "Oh by the way, we're going to shut power off for your floor in a couple minutes for about ... an hour."

Here's your big chance! Call technical support and tell them your computer isn't working. Then when they ask you to check if it's plugged in, say you can't tell because all the lights are out.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Power Outage
From: pieceoftheuniverse <pieceoftheuniverse.yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 08:05:22 -0700

Nobody Knows wrote:
> "pieceoftheuniverse" wrote:
> > A building tech just came by and said, "Oh by the way, we're going to shut power off for your floor in a couple minutes for about ... an hour."
> > WTF?!
> You're in California aren't you?

Yes. Sadly.

> Our entire California network is currently down due to a power outage caused by the 'heatwave' (let me tell you pansies something, 100 degrees is NOT hot, 110, with 100% humidity is uncomfortably warm, but not hot...)
> Anyway, after they lost power they lost the generator (also due to heat).

PG&E closed down every tech company in the area, all because we're climate controlled. Well, at least I got to go home early yesterday...

On my walk home (that's right, I walk. In, might I add, full business attire [well, not yesterday. Yesterday I had the intelligence to take a t-shirt. But I was still wearing slacks]. Oh, the joy), I attempted to keep my mind off the heat warping my skull by coming up with a song. Here is my result:

(sung to that Hotel song in "The Muppets in Manhattan." Initially, at least. It starts falling apart toward the end...)

Oh the devil's set up shop here,
As if you couldn't tell;
He's selling high-priced tickets,
Saying, "It's cooler down in Hell."
He's got a basket ready,
And I'm standing here in line,
Though I really got to tell you,
The girls are lookin' fine.

The trees have burst in flame,
Heatstroke's claimed a few as well,
And all I've got to say is:
Welcome
To California Hell.

Power has been cut off,
The people are out in droves,
They're really burning out here,
They're taking off their clothes.
The women I don't mind,
The guys maybe just a bit,
But I can't really blame them;
We 'Friscan's can't take it!

The trees have burst in flame,
Heatstrokes claimed a few as well,
And all I've got to say is:
Welcome
To California Hell!

The devil's been sent home packin',
The heat's too much for him;
He took his loyal minions
And went back to his fiery den.
The crowd has spread upon the sidewalk,
They can't move at all;
I would go around them,
But I think I'm gonna fall.

Oh, the trees have smoldered nicely,
But the smoke don't bother me;
I'm going to sizzle right here,
Dead at twenty-three.
It's sad I couldn't make it
Used up the water in my sack;
I can't get up to head home,
Hell, I can't even make it back.

But the sun is slowly setting,
Allowing some relief;
The paramedics stopped by
To share our pitied grief.
We're flooded with our sweat,
And now we just might make it home,
For it's the first time just this year
That it's hit at one-oh-one!

The plants have gone their way
And maybe it's just as well;
Vegetation don't belong here,
it's California Hell!


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Borg Humor
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 08:13:04 -0700

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> Freyja declared:
>} Teh [tie:poe] <teh.Apexmail.com> wrote:
>} | Isn't he spinning in orbit anyway?
>} | Well part of him at least, I seem to recall that some of his ashes were given a burial in space, or am I having trouble distinguishing fact from fiction again?
>Yup, him and Timothy Leary went up together, IIRC.
>} If the astronauts on one of the shuttle missions can be believed, some of his ashes are indeed in orbit.
>But we all no they CAN'T, becuase there are NO REAL "astronauts" and there's NO "SHUTTLE" and there's NO "SPACE" and nobody's EVER been in orbit IT'S ALL JUST A CONSPIRACY BY THE US GOVERNMENT and the so-called ASTRONAUTS are just ACTORS on a movie stage in HOUSTON you can tell because of the SHADOWS from the LIGHTING on all the film clips and if you look really close at pictures of BUZZ ALDRIN on the so-called "moon landing" you can tell that he's actually RONALD REAGAN and did you know that all the astronaut props on "I Dream of Jeanie" are the REAL THING becuase the same production company made that show as FAKED THE MOON LANDING and it's all LIES LIES LIES concocted by the GIANT BATS to take away our FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!
> JIM, now aren't you glad I use my Usenet Powers for good instead of evil?

A friend of mine is one of the operators at the CIA. The frustrating thing is that she has my sense of humor and CAN'T do things like...

"STOP BEAMING MESSAGES INTO MY TV!"

"Ok, one second while I look up the satellite... Oh. Oh that's not one of ours. Walmart bought that satellite three years ago when we switched over to infrared. They said they wanted it just to beam ads. We've been trying to call them, but they just keep covering it up."

"There's a chip in my brain!"

"Yes, and we've been meaning to call you about that. Your chip seems to be stuck in broadcast only mode, and frankly, your causing quite a bit of interference with our telepaths. Let's see.... damn budget cutbacks, you're not scheduled for abduction for another fifteen bloody years! Can I ask you to just think softer until then? Oh, and by the way, you may notice the power to change stop lights by staring at them long enough."

"A voice told me I was a CIA agent"

"*sigh* No, sir I'm afraid your not. Are there any children in your neighborhood? I'm afraid that someone has been playing a prank on you. Someone posted plans for recreating a Nazi intra-cranial telephonic induction phase transponder that you can make from parts at Radio Shack. Those kids probably just built one and are playing with it. You'll hear them from time to time until they get bored or grow out of it. Supposedly you can mess with them if you put your fingers in your ears and squeal a B Sharp. Well, my notes here say that it causes them to blow a fuse or something."

Is there anything else I can help you with?
Well, thank you for calling your CIA.
We'll stay in touch.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Dumber than Clerks
From: Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com>
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 2000 20:32:45 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
> pieceoftheuniverse declared:
> } Robot Karate Man 2030 wrote:
> } > Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> } > >Why does UPN still carry Voyager? Why does TNT still exist?
> } > 1. There are, unlike Strangers with Candy, people who actually watch Voyager.
> } I happen to be one of those people. It could be just the appeal of Seven of Nine, but I find that for the last season or so the quality has actually improved.
> It's true, the difference between a heavily soiled diaper and a moderately soiled diaper is considerable.
> }Perhaps because they finally realize that ST:V is going to be either Berman's legacy or legendary failure. At any rate, there's only one more year to go...
> If it's Berman's legacy... he deserves it.
> } And then the infamous movie Star Trek X ...
> Do I even want to know?

Star Trek X: Geriatrics in space. Desc: Piccard and crew boldly face their greatest challenge yet, confronting the inadequacies of life on a StarFleet retirement pension.



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