Jump to Navigation

We've moved! The new address is http://www.henriettes-herb.com - update your links and bookmarks!

2000 03 B.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 22 Mar 2000 22:16:50 -0800

Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>>> "Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.Pb.com.au> wrote:
>>>>Petulantia Spliffbint wrote...
>>>>>Also Sprach Cici in Texas:
>>>>>> How'd I do, Teach?
>>>>>I'll finish grading you tomorrow.
>>>>Then we'll apply the hotmix and line markings.
>>>So, does this mean I'm now officially a road? or a Rhod? Or what?
>>Only after you start flying, fishing or playing Cornelius on Planet of the Apes.
>I already started fishing (finished, too), so I guess now I'm official. So, where's my badge?

Congratulations! Because of your fine work, pedantic attention to detail and incessant whining, YOU have WON an official rhod Badge!


The order for your badge was placed by a panel of celebrity judges and will be delivered by hand via secret courier to our artisans in Porterville, CA.


Here, your badge will be crafted out of one or more hand-chosen materials listed in the Internationally Recognized Periodic Table of Elements.


Our Craftsbeing will spend countless seconds ensuring that the Badge exceeds his quality standards. It will feature a logo and name. With any luck, yours.


The badge will then be handed to an Official Representative of the United States Government that will then use a system originally designed by Ben Franklin and carried out by dedicated, trustworthy and barely disgruntled professional to catalog, organize, stamp, loose, stamp again, fall on the floor, shoot, use as a coaster, resort, stamp, send back for insufficient postage, re-accept, stamp, organize and deliver on it's way to YOU!


Just think of the eager excitement as a dedicated US Government Official Postal Courier walks up the drive and hands YOUR BADGE to a lady in Peoria! With any luck, she'll return it, and the whole process will start anew!

Yes, soon[0] you'll be able[1] to wear[2] your badge[3] with pride[4] and gain the admiration[5] of others[6]!

*upbeat music*

Congratulations from all of us to all of you! Well Done!


[0] Soon is not an assurance of timely delivery, merely a statement provided for relative comparison.
[1] Void where prohibited by law.
[2] rhodBadge is not a protective device, and should not be used as such.
[3] rhodBadgeCo makes no warrantee (expressed or implied) as to the usability of the rhodBadge.
[4] side effects may include disorientation, extreme nausea, and spontaneous combustion. Not for use by women who are nursing, may be pregnant, small children or anyone with a history of allergies.
[5] rhodBadgeCo does not guarantee the admiration of others.
[6] there is no footnote 6.

From: Sara M (egk.speedlink.com.au)
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/19

TechnoAtheist wrote:
>A group of clean, smooth monkeys claiming to be Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
> >Ben wrote:
> >Umm - do you not think it's time to explain *exactly* what "BURMA SHAVE" is - for the sake of the newbies of course...?
> It is a wish upon the tides.

Run your fingers down my sides...

> It is an experiment, that has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Oops - there goes the knot on my sarong.

> It is an out-dated in-joke.

Oooh - what *are* you doing with that rope...

> It is a little bird singing in a field.

Her smile betrayed the squeal she squealed.

> It is a wreath of pretty flowers, that smell quite bad.

Mmmmm prey - come a little closer - just a tad

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 02:38:43 GMT

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>...and the codeine taken out and hydrocodone added:) Why not save on prescription drug costs go for morphine? Pity nobody gets percoset anymore...

That stuff turns me into a UFO. Took some at work one day and next thing I knew I was at home watching TV.

On another note, it REALLY PISSES ME OFF how people bitch about how people drive in Atlanta.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: Jellyroll Papadopoulos <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 22:14:33 GMT

Also Sprach Lane Gray, Czar Castic:
> Uncle Jesse wrote:
> >Uh, last time I checked I had to pay fuel taxes, licenses, and registration.
> >I don't pay tolls merely because there are no toll roads around here.
> Is your registration in excess of 50.00/year? Diesel taxes are about 6cents/gallon higher than for gasoline.
> You probably get about 25-30 miles/gallon, and do about 300 miles/week.
> Our brand new Freightliner gets about 6.4 MPG and does about 2500 miles/week.

Thank your lucky stars you don't live in the UofK. Car tax is over 100 UPK a year (160 USD), fuel is nearly 80p per litre ($5.50 or so a gallon), and driving 2500 miles puts you somewhere in the Atlantic west of Ireland.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley.ruralnet.net>
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 09:07:47 -0700

"Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net> said:
> It's fairly obvious when you watch the rutting of an asphalt road, too.

There's today's totally wacked mind-picture for me! Thanks Lane.

Kevin, hugging the curves

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 08:16:50 -0800

unclejesse.mac.com (Uncle Jesse) wrote:
> "Lane Gray, Czar Castic" <e9c6zumball.mwis.net> wrote:
>> Ed Chauvin IV wrote in message ...
>> >Interesting factoid on this scale issue. Studies have shown that cars, and not large semi-trucks, cause the majority of road damage.
>> It's fairly obvious when you watch the rutting of an asphalt road, too. Michigan may have different wear rates, due to the "Michigan Centipedes."
>That's a term I have not heard before. Elucidate?

Well, you can always apply etymology to determine that the root is elucid. Obviously a tyop of famed ancient Mathematician Euclid, and more importantly his somewhat intriguing postulates:

1. To draw a straight line from any point to another.
2. To produce a finite straight line continuosly in a straight line.
3. To describe a circle with any centre and distance.
4. That all right angles are equal to each other.
5. That, if a straight line falling on two straight lines make the interior angles on the same side less than two right angles, if produced infinitely, meet on that side on which are the angles less than the two right angles.

The twisted wording of the fifth one has been befuddling math, logic and linguists experts for years, until it was revealed that after writing each postulate Euclid had been downing a beer. The first four were refreshingly simple, however, after enjoying four large frothy servings, Euclid found that he simply must relieve himself (Later, this was determied by noted English Physician, John Gray that the resulting loss of fluid tends to rapidly speed the effects of alchohol). The fifth postulate shows the result of Euclid "being in his fifths".

It was not until Euclid's girlfriend at the time, noted code designer Semephor, showed up at the bar to discover her mate half pissed and going on about "these cools prost-u.. p-ah-st-ool.. these here things I thought up."

She quickly read over them and stopped when she saw the fifth. She then said, "do you mean 'through a point not on a given line, there passes not more than one parallel to the line'?", but Euclid was sucking an empty beer mug to his face, and her friend and her date was due to show up in five minutes, so she left.

Sadly for math aficionados most of the other patrons in ear shot were either hammered as well, or not really into math and missed Semephor's translation. They did, however, remember the great, blinding flash of clarity that Euclid's Date provided.

And a new word was introduced.

or you could just look it up.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 11:05:27 -0500

On Thu, 16 Mar 2000, Comrade Ian Davis declared:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} > Heh.. silly 'Merkins and their Civil War. What a preposterous way of settling your regional conflicts. It's far more sensible to let these things fester for two hundred years to the point where every prov^Hstate hates every other state and you can have referendums every ten years.
} I can see it now. Whole geographical regions lined up, snarling at each other, waving their catheters belligerently or else peeing on their shoes. And in the background, an evil, shady figure, right arm thrust forward in an unholy salute, hand clad in a latex glove, forefinger extended, KY Jelly glistening. Oh, the humanity.

OKAY! It was supposed to be a ^W, already! Furrfu...

JIM, is that the "War Between the Prostates", or "The War of Colonic Aggression"?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: Al Sharka <asharka.my-deja.com>
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 19:42:14 -0600

Sara M wrote:
} Viki wrote:
} > Sara M wrote
} > > Viki wrote:
} > > > Sara M wrote:
} > > > > Richard Fitzpatrick wrote:
} > > > > > Sara M wrote...
} > > > > > >~Steve-o wrote:
} > > > > > >> Sara M wrote:
} > > > > > >> >> >A Wonderbra is a Good Thing.
} > > > > > >> >> Oh the fulfillment my life would have if I posessed one of Linda Carter's bras.
} > > > > > >> >An uplifting thought indeed...
} > > > > > >> I wouldn't mind using that magic lasso on her either.
} > > > > > >Do you know *how* to make a lasso...?
} > > > > > 'Course 'e does. He just did a Screaming Orgasm for you, didn't he?
} > > > > No - he did that for Viki. Everyone *always* does everything for Viki... <sigh>
} > > > :)
} > > <wink> You're welcome... So - think you can handle it from here...?
} > I can handle it, surely. The sighs will be plentiful.
} Bad Viki - it's not the sighs that matter...

You will never convince me that that wasn't set-up.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Really badly wildly off topic.
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 17:18:46 +1100

Sara M schrieb:
>Nobody Knows wrote:
>> Sara M wrote:
>> >Yaks milk is pink.
>> Respectfully Ma'am, while I hate to contradict any member of the superior sex, I believe you meant to say "Yak's milk is blue"...
>No no no - squids eyes are blue.

And Soylent People are, well, green.

>I like squid I do.

Beautiful plumage.

>Squiddly diddly do...<splash>

Hey! You! Out of the gene pool!

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Fantasy Books? <WARNING: OFF TOPIC!>
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 12:05:17 +1100

Paul wrote:
> Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
> >Doesn't *anybody* read mystery novels any more?
> Why bother? The butler did it.

Now *look*, I'm sick of this. How about some spoiler warnings in future? I don't think I've read that one yet.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help me out here. Nancy Sinatra and ? {was Re: Curious {was Re: Help
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 10:38:22 +1100

Viki wrote:
> Ben <latebird.usa.net> wrote in message
> > Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
> > >-"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> writes:
> > >-> Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
> > >-> > Ah, the burden of public service: screwing around in a pool with two liquored-up women. I guess we all have our crosses to bear.
> > >-> Perhaps you'll bring a deputy to serve as bartender/poolboy?
> > >-An excellent idea.
> > >---Nathan "Cascade Cop, Hoi, Ben!" Sullivan
> > I'm not doing anything right now, and I have some experience as a bartender.
> This party is shaping up nicely, I'd say.

Yep - a hot tub full of butter and guys...
Now all we need is a bit of garlic <fling> - and some extra-long fondue forks...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Curious {was Re: Help please...}
From: johnyayaIDONT'TLIKESPAM.usa.net (John Dougherty)
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 22:27:49 GMT

tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net (Tom "Tom" Harrington) wrote:
>From a remote bunker, Al Sharka issued the following manifesto:
>> You must first earn the title: "peeping" Tom.
>Must I? I'm not so sure I want it.

It could be troublesome, because once you know how to peep correctly, small birds will have the irresistable urge to shove worms into your open mouth whenever they hear it.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 10:03:14 +1100

Screwtape wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Sara M wrote:
> >> "To the sea-girt isle, for which a Wellesley braved the field and a Nelson dared to die: may it never yield to fraud or bend to tyrrany!"
> >(which is actually spelt tyranny here - except on wet Mondays for some reason...)
> A wet Monday even down in sunny Wollongong [1] ? How tragic. If I wasn't getting so cold and miserable, I'd quite enjoy it..

Ohh - rainy days can be soft and quiet -
good for conjuring wordly riot...

I'd like to summon a Weather God -
God I'd give him a piece of my mind.
I distinctly ordered a sunny day -
But I get up and what do I find?

Rain again! - Yes - you heard me right -
Didn't let up all through the night.
It's quagmired my yard - bog-monstered my dog.
<gestures out window at past-floating log>

This is Australia - this just isn't fair!
WE are the land of blue skies everywhere.
WE get the sunshine - YOU get the snow.
What's going on here? - that's what *I'd* like to know...

Tell me - who do I bribe? To whom do I appeal?
There must be a way we can strike up a deal.
I'm willing to offer - well - *quite* a lot
To whoever can make things lovely and hot...

> [1] Wollongong is south, so it must be warm - like Florida, right?

Watch out for those musequitoes - they bite.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 21:27:02 -0800

unclejesse.mac.com (Uncle Jesse) wrote:
>Steveo wrote:
>> unclejesse.mac.com (Uncle Jesse) wrote:
>> >Remember: "Go not to usenet for council, for they will say both yes and no. And me too."
>> Funny, I always heard it as "Go not to usenet for council, for it is peopled with drug addicts and people with MPDs."
>Well, the original is "Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no."

Which is really odd, considering how many people buy Elf help books.

wait, no, allow me.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 21 Mar 2000 22:02:12 +1100

Sara M schrieb:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Sara M schrieb:
>> >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> Sara M schrieb:
>> >> >Fluffy McMongoose wrote:
>> >> >> On Mon, 20 Mar 2000, Comrade Sara M declared:
>> >> >> } Screwtape wrote:
>> >> >> } > Sara M schrieb:
>> >> >> } > >Screwtape wrote:
>> >> >> } > >> Naked White Guy schrieb:
>> >> >> } > >> >For he hath named all the stars...
>> >> >> } > >> ...before he met the truck-driving Russian spy, who was leaning...
>> >> >> } > >out the window, drying her rounded, jiggling...
>> >> >> } > Degus, named Dennis and Dennis, which she had found...
>> >> >> } jobs for at Madame Dumpy's bordello...
>> >> >> on account of the size of Dennis's huge pierced Degu penis. Meanwhile, Svetlana met her contact, a buxom Swiss au pair, who had a desirable set of...
>> >> >...top-secret maps tattooed on her buttocks.
>> >> >Svetlana slipped her pearl-handled arquebus back into her boot and knelt down by the still-twitching body, her camera at the ready.
>> >> >Yes - just as she thought - the main vault was *directly* under the bordello. She'd have those aliens free in no time...
>> >> >She permitted herself a small, satisfied smile and stood, ready to leave, when all of a sudden...
>> >> ...the audience gasped in shock - EGK is steering the plot *away* from sex! This is a new turning point!
>> >> Pulled off her feet by the collective inhalation of a hundred thousand lurkers [1] Svetlana stumbled out the window, landing in...
>> >...a pool of Lust-Mine Wine, the last of her inhibitions dissolving just as fast as her morals and clothing seemed to be...
>> ...getting thoroughly soiled and in need of a good washing. However, suddenly lacking inhibitions, she walked right up to the nearest East European peasant, and told him what she thought of him. "Hey you!" she cried, "You're...
>...even cuter than Boris Yeltsin!"
>With that Svetlana leapt through the air, knocking the startled peasant backwards off his tractor onto the fresh-turned earth, her knees pinioning his hard, calloused workman's hands to his sides, her wanton, pliant body supple as she bent closer and whispered low in his ear all the wicked things she was was going to do to...

...force him to take his rightful place in post-Lamarckian politics. "The world is *screaming* for a leader such as you!" she summarized, "How can you just lie here like a petrified peasant when the world is your oyster-stage hybrid?"

The peasant looked longingly at his pitchfork, naturally fallen just out of his reach. His life was one damn thing after another - if it wasn't beautiful and exotic women urging him to get more boredom into his life, it was...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 16:51:35 +1100

Sara M wrote:
> Well - when you've a huge universe to run it pays to have your fingers on all the pulses in *all* of the pies.

Now *there's* a nasty mixed metaphor.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Sat, 25 Mar 2000 15:34:38 +1100

Ben schrieb:
>Steve-o wrote:
>>-As I already said, this *is* Rhod.
>So no one gets the jokes?

You mean some of these people aren't serious?


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is slipping
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 30 Mar 2000 16:03:46 GMT

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>Thor Thomas aka Kerr Avon wrote:
>> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> ><Bow>
>> Oooh! Do that again!
>In *this* dress? No way.

So take it off then...see if we care.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies like dress-down days at work

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Today's pet word...
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2000 16:48:31 +1100

Screwtape wrote:
> Sara M schrieb:
> >Libido.
> You called?

You came?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: I Got a Flying Rod!
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 21:33:21 -0500

On Fri, 24 Mar 2000, Comrade Naked White Guy declared:
} Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> in it.
} >Anyone else disturbed by that fact that someone calling himself "Naked White Guy" is telling us he'll keep us posted if his rod turns up? Anyone? Bueller?
} And the title "I got a flying rod" didn't do anything for you?

You don't want me to answer that.

JIM, rrRAWrr

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Word Association.
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 23 Mar 2000 21:12:20 -0800

st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Sara M schrieb:
>>Screwtape wrote:
>>> Thankyou, thankyou. You may pass Go. You may collect 200 rhod-points. You may feast your eyes on the mess EGK and I have made while all the adults were asleep.
>>It wasn't MY fault. You threw the pizza first.
>Well, you were throwing pepperoni at me!

Uhm, shouldn't it be you whipping the sausage around?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things that Rhodites might like to know.
From: steveo.moonman.com (Naked White Guy)
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 03:29:25 GMT

Jason <jbeasley.primary.net> wrote:
>> Apparently, if I were a dog, I'd be a chihuahua.
>Chihuahaus are the easiest dog to take care of. Just hold one out the window and squeeze.


Ola! And welcome to Raul's Wild Kingdom! Today, we're teaching poodles how to fly! Are you ready Fifi? Are psyched? Here we gooooooo.....

<yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe *thump*>

You know, sometimes it takes 'em a leetle longer to get it right.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Things that Rhodites might like to know.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 16:47:00 -0500

On Thu, 30 Mar 2000, Comrade Naked White Guy declared:
} Billy Phred! <billyphred.hotmail.com> wrote:
} > I didn't do the dog.
} Filed under the "More than we need to know about Billy Phred!" heading.

I am *so glad* somebody caught that. I was laughing too hard to post a reply.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is *gone*.
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 01:47:17 -0500

On Tue, 28 Mar 2000, Comrade Chris Wesling declared:
} Naked White Guy wrote:
} > No, but you've got a significant other who reads the group and who can beat me up.
} {puzzlement} Why would I beat you up for *thinking* about, say, EGK, Freyja, and Viki? Last I heard, thinking was legal in all 50 states and Canada.

Offer void in Quebec.

} Even talking about what you're thinking. Even posting to Usenet about what you're thinking. So if you want to think about Freyja, Viki, EGK, Cici, Carla, and Henriette all frolicking together in a butter-filled hot tub, feel free.


JIM, hello SETIAHHG, we have a signal...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ~Steve-o is *gone*.
From: latebird.usa.net (Ben)
Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 01:31:25 -0600

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>-trog <trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk> wrote:
>-| Jason Willoughby wrote ...
>-| > Daniel E. Macks wrote:
>-| > > Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> said:
>-| > >>"Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>-| > >>> Jim Evans said:
>-| > >>> >Comrade Nathan Sullivan declared:
>-| > >>> >} "Viki" writes:
>-| > >>> >} > TechnoAtheist wrote in
>-| > >>> >} > > Sadly, I miss the poker cascades. At least those required a bit more creative wit.
>-| > >>> >} > So start one since I don't know what they are like...
>-| > >>> >} I'll fill you in. They were boring and insipid. Just slightly less boring and insipid than the word association cascade.
>-| > >>> >I'll see your boring in sipid and raise you a drilling in vivo.
>-| > >>> I'll see your root canal and raise you a barge of radishes.
>-| > >>I'll see your boatload of radishes and raise you a shitload of wasabi.
>-| > > I'll see your load of hot sauce and raise you a dozen fenced Rolex watches
>-| > I'll see your cheap knock-offs and raise you a Hollywood escort service.
>-| I'll see your tinseltown hookers and raise you all my spare change.
>-I'll see your two cents and raise you a short stack of platinum ingots.

I see you running naked through the streets and I laugh.

Wait, did I do that wrong?

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Nightmare Has Ended
From: steveo.moonman.com (Naked White Guy)
Date: Tue, 28 Mar 2000 17:32:42 GMT

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>> Congrats NWG, and best wishes in the new position.
>He's going to be a *Missionary*???

No, I'm going to be a doggy.

Wait, that didn't sound right...

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: The Nightmare Has Ended
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 21:14:23 -0800

"Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote in message
>> > > > > I like to think of myself as an artist, especially a tortured artist...yeah, I like that thought a lot...
>> > > > Self-tortured, considering the genital mutilation you describe here?
>> > > Self-tortured or tortured by Viki, which ever...
>> > Hmmmmmmmm.... I don't usually wear the leather to the office, but in this case I might make an exception.
>> Better yet, an office bondage party! I want to work there!
>Ve haff ways ov making you talk in *zis* office...

Hmm. So, how do folks give dictation while wearing ball gags?

"May I read this back? `ArrghArrGahRargarrgArg. RarrgArrgArrgArrRarrGarrg..`"

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: gp2
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 28 Mar 2000 22:52:44 GMT

Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> said:
>"Daniel E. Macks" <dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>> Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> said:
>> >On Tue, 28 Mar 2000, Comrade Screwtape declared:
>> >} nino schrieb:
>> >} > Smart is Beautiful
>> >} War is Peace.
>> >} Freedom is Slavery.
>> >} Ignorance is Strength.
>> >I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
>> I Can't Believe It's Yogurt.
>That's not yogurt.

I was quite happy with my incredulity, TYVM.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Express *this*
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 22:03:45 +1000

Sara M schrieb:
>What the Sam Hill *is* a "codswallop"? (AND a Sam Hill for that matter now I come to think of it...)
>I know what a cod is - but a "wallop"? That's some sort of <whack> isn't it? Why would a cod wish to whack you? I've not had a whole lot to do with cod to tell the truth, so I know very little about their quirks and foibles - but, for the likes of me - I can't imagine *what* you'd have to do to a cod to rile it enough to want to "wallop" you...

Clearly you haven't done much etymology if you insist on taking each part of a vernacular phrase literally when exploring the meaning. Like most unusual phrases, "codswallop" is a corruption or euphemism for an older exclamation, in this case "God's Wallet". In the rather confused theology of the eighteenth century, it was hypothesised that if God gave to each disciple a gift, then He must have to purchase them somewhere, and presumably he didn't steal them (the Bible being fairly clear that such actions were Not Cricket), so thus he must have paid for them, must have paid for them with some form of money, and must therefore have had a special place to keep such bounteous wealth.

This Platonic and hitherto academic concept was rapidly realised by some of the more popular preachers of the day, and the concept of God's Wallet, a storage receptacle for unending funding and loose change, rapidly entered the minds of the church-going populace, and thence to the (minority) rest of the population. It came to be used as an explanation of unforseen good fortune or anonymous gifts ("Looks like God's Wallet was opened for us, my brethren!"), and later an exclamation indicating the same thing.

However, as with most concepts adopted by the lay population, it began to mutate from its semi-defendable foundations, until the point that agnostics asked for proof of God's existence in the form of his driver's license or credit card, or wondering if the gift bestowed upon them by the Deity could be refunded, assuming God still had posession of the receipt. Exasperated theologians rapidly embarked on a campaign to extinguish the term, and nearly succeeded.

The term was adopted by the more youthful members of the aristocracy in a sarcastic form, used to deride folk deemed too over-excited or surprised by mundane events. Again, over time this evolved - spreading from the youthful upper classes to the rest of society, changing from "God's Wallet" to the more slurred "codswallop", and generalising to a description of any kind of nonsense.

Does this sufficiently answer your query?

From: trog (trog.REMOVETHISzoom.co.uk)
Subject: Re: *sigh*
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/26

Chris Wesling wrote ...
> Paul wrote:
> > Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org> wrote:
> > >Lane Gray, Czar Castic said:
> > >; Ben wrote in message ...
> > >; >It seems the only thing I missed was the entrance of 'Jellyroll Papadopoulos'. Is this someone I know who changed their nick, or someone new?
> > >; Given that he uses that "Also sprach" attribution, I think it is an established rhodent, but at the moment, I forget who.
> > >I think he was Petunia Spifflebot before.
> > SHE is and always has been Jiffylube Pimplemousse.
> Waitaminnit, waitaminnit. SHE?? But... but... but I thought "Jellyroll Papadopolous", "Petulantia Spliffbint", and "Lurker Praps" were all pseudonyms for Malcolm Pcak! Even Brits don't name girls "Malcolm", do they??? Or did Malc have an accident with a gender changer?

Oh boy, you are *really* confused Chris. Pay attention now, as I may ask questions later.

Jellyroll Papadopoulos, Petulantia Spliffbint, and Lurker Praps are indeed all pseudonyms for Malcolm Pcak. She is not British though, as the name Pcak might suggest. In the 17th century a lot of Belgians fleeing persecution from the guild of chocolateers crossed the Channel from Zeebrugge and established a commune or enclave[1] in Southend, where they established oregano plantations. Their names were anglicised - Pcak derives from Pcaque, a name derived from association with plcaque - the mediaeval trade of shield makers.

Brits generally don't name girls Malcolm[2], unless they want them to be mistaken for Belgians. Some British girls are called Robin, Peter, Leslie, Terry, Stevie, or Brenda[3]. These are all entirely acceptable in modern polite society.

Jellyroll Papadopolous, Petulantia Spliffbint, and Lurker Praps were astonisingly clever attempts to conceal Malcolm's Belgian antecedents and her gender. Despite the subtleness of the nomenclature, each gave away her intrinsic Belgianness[4].

I hope that straightens this out once and for all.


[1] note that these are both Belgian words
[2] in Belgian mal = mala = cheekbone and colm = colly = dirty, illustrating the early female propensity for rougeing the cheeks with brick dust
[3] these are also entirely genuine
[4] LP, PS, and JP - see? The next in the sequence[5] becomes obvious.
[5] yet another Belgian word, they get everywhere.

Main menu 2