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2000 03 a.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 22:35:45 +1100

GW De Lacey schrieb:
>Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> wrote:
>>On Thu, 2 Mar 2000, Comrade Petulantia Spliffbint declared:
>>} RhodQuiz: Name two (or more) other tracks in 5/4 time that have charted.
>>Ooh! Ooh! I know one - "Take Five" by the Dave Bruebeck Quartet. Can't think of another - that's charted anyways. Do I at least get 5/8 of a point?
>If we're going back that far then 'America' from West Side Story, and that one from Fiddler on the Roof whose name escapes me.
>
>'bum titty bum bum bum, bum titty bum bum bum...'
>
>You know the one I mean, don't you?

You're obsessed, you sick freak.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: "Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com>
Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 02:24:27 GMT

Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
| Freyja wrote:
| > Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au> wrote:
| > | Daniel E. Macks wrote:
| > | > TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> said:
| > | > >A group of monkeys with perfect pitch claiming to be Freyja wrote:
| > | > >>Bet they wouldn't know a C clef if they saw one.
| > | > >Of course I know what a C clef is.
| > | > >A C clef.
| > | > >That's the little divot thing on the bottom part, kinda where the chin is...
| > | > I thought that was the belly button.
| > | After one too many facelifts.
| > That explains the beard, then.
| Now *that* was a low blow.

After all those facelifts, not anymore. <G>


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape)
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 22:04:32 +1100

TechnoAtheist schrieb:
>The bigger the crowd, the more people show up.

You should send that in to Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com>
Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 21:35:04 +0000

Also Sprach Jim Evans:
> JIM, what's halfway between Ottawa and Sydney, anyways?

"and". HTH etc.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Way out west
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 08:03:19 -0800

Cici in Texas <cclovis.mindspring.com> wrote:
>st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>Petulantia Spliffbint schrieb:
>>>That's why I have a CD player in the car. You may wake up how you wish. I'll wake up with The Stranglers.
>>Uh, it's generally advisable to wake up *before* you start driving your car...
>Really? Somebody should tell the people who drive the Dallas Tollway every morning.
>Cici in Texas, who wants to win the lottery so she can afford to put a big-ass billboard next to the tollway, saying HANG UP AND DRIVE!

*bip*booooooop*
*pbbbbbbbbbr*pbbbbbbbbbbbr*

Hello?

Rick? Hi, Buffy here. You should see the cute billboard they have on N Central, I just passed it.

Hang on, It said: "Hang... up... and...


*whaBAM!*crunch*tinkle


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: ,,..SAY A PRAYER FOR THE INNOCENT VICTIMS OF BLACK VIOLENCE AND LAWLESSNESS!!..
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis.ludwig.edu.au>
Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 08:03:03 +1100

Anthony Martin wrote:
> What about this one:
> elAscnrtt\$ h orankpynh \.oie!sta rhje!u

I'm not sure, but there's now this tall red gentleman wearing Eau du Sulphur standing in my office asking for directions to your place.

Ian.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Another SL
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 10:52:13 -0500

On Sat, 4 Mar 2000, Comrade Henriette Kress declared:
[snip]
} Henriette (http://asbhd-t.com/new-pics.html anyone?)

Bookmarked!

JIM, I'm, er, bookmarking it for a friend. Yeah, a friend.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Another SL
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 18:29:54 GMT

Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca> attempted to infuriate me by saying:
>On Thu, 9 Mar 2000, Comrade Jason Willoughby declared:
>} Uncle Jesse, a beast of pure hatred with purpose malign, wrote:
>} > "Viki" <thevidts.stargate.net> wrote:
>} >> Viki
>} >> ... now if you mentioned *horses*...
>} > Having delusions of "Great"ness?
>} Urban myth, BTW...
>s/Urban//

No no no no no. Only people in large, urban areas believe that Catherine the Great was killed on her bed by the weight of a large horse that was being lowered onto her using a block and tackle, so that she could have sex with it. People in rural areas know that she was, in fact, kicked to death by the stallion's jealous mate, in the barn, when the mare (named "Brigitte") caught them in the act. Brigitte turned the stallion ("Raspoogin") into a gelding a week later, as she was pretending to *ahem* "kiss and make up."


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Wed, 08 Mar 2000 08:29:59 -0500

Screwtape used 23 too many lines to say:
>RST schrieb:
>> Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> wrote:
>>>Sara M wrote:
>>>>Henriette Kress wrote:
>>>>> st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>>>>> >RST schrieb:
>>>>> >>Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>>>>> >>> "Daniel E. Macks" wrote:
>>>>> >>> > Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> said:
>>>>> >>> > >Ed Chauvin IV <edc81u4.newsguy.com> wrote:
>>>>> >>> > >>Sara M wrote:
>>>>> >>> > >>>I screamed as she threw the orange....
>>>>> >>> > >>... kitten out the window. But there wasn't anything...
>>>>> >>> > >...to catch it in, so at the end we put it into the slash bucket. It was its fortune that the train wasn't moving at the time, imagine what would have happened if...
>>>>> >>> > ...we hadn't plowed into that tractor-trailer that had stalled on the crossing, scattering its load of...
>>>>> >>> ...Butter...
>>>>> >>...that was on it's way to a new-age party in a hot tub...
>>>>> >...which it had stolen from a marina on the Riviera, narrowly escaping... [1]
>>>>> ...in the black helicopter it found on the beach. Unfortunately, the ...
>>>>...voluptuous Russian spy... [2]
>>> ...plane was overhead at the time;
>>...carrying a shipment of stolen woodchucks...
>...which were packed in wooden crates, five hundred to the box, to protect them from...

...themselves. These wooden crates were, in turn, packed inside steel boxes hand-made by some cat named Schrodinger. The plan was to drop the boxes on...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 01:56:06 +1100

Ed Lynn wrote:
>Sara M wrote:
>>Ed Lynn wrote:
>>> Ed Chauvin IV wrote:
>>> >Unsubstantiated rumors have been circulating that Freyja has 67 toes.
>>> >>Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com> wrote:
>>> >>| RST wrote:
>>> >>| >Freyja <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>>> >>| >> Nobody Knows <ten.asu.rekrapmd> wrote:
>>> >>| >> | Sara M wrote:
>>> >>| >> | > [2] voluptuous Russian spy...
>>> >>| >> | ...was using the cooler....
>>> >>| >> ...for an unmentionable purpose...
>>> >>| >Involving a Hello-Kitty hand massager. Meanwhile back at the RR crossing...
>>> >>| ...a bird whizzed past me, coming within inches, and followed closely by a coyote on an Acme rocket. Puzzled, I scratched my...
>>> >>...toe...
>>> >...and then I got work on the other 67...
>>> Three hours later, I picked myself up, dusted myself off with my spiffer and, for lack of anything better to do, went to work. Upon arriving, the other sloths were...
>>...clustered around the cooler, wondering how the elephant...
>...managed to climb onto the photocopier to duplicate its hindquarters in the first place. Suddenly, Ellery Queen steps into frame and says, "I know how the elephant photocopied its butt. Do you?" The audience scratched its collective skulls and said...

"BLELPH", which is actually Sloth for "No - but if you ask that voluptuous Russian spy over there I'm SURE she'll give you a hand..."


From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
st.ferd2.thristian.org (Screwtape) wrote:
>Charles A. Lieberman <yvrorezn.voicenet.com> wrote:
>>~Steve-o wrote:
>>> Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au> wrote:
>>>> [1] ... which it had stolen from a marina on the Riviera, narrowly escaping...
>>>...a truck load of vegan PETA representatives, who with their assault VW Van had been persuing Ms. Murry across the vast train yards of the Canadian Riviera but who were easily distracted by the truck driver's...
>>luscious co-hort - Svetlana the Russian spy... [3] [4]
>... Who was actually a test-tube child created from an egg stolen from Raisa Gorbechev that was fertilized with sperm from Geraldo Rivera and whose surrogate mother was none other than ...

Hook...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
From: Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com>
Date: Thu, 09 Mar 2000 07:50:10 GMT

Sara M wrote:
> Chris Wesling wrote:
> > Sara M wrote:
> > > [3] luscious co-hort - Svetlana the Russian spy...
> > ... who is obviously Sara M. incognito...
> (Oh I wish I'd read this *before* I read Steve-o's reply...)
> Sveltana surreptitiously pats the pearl-handled arquebus concealed in her lacy garterbelt and turns with a seductive smile, her target unaware of what she has planned for him...
> Vodka?

Her target smiles and says playfully, "Is that an arquebus in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" before taking the proffered glass of vodka and...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 07:41:45 -0500

Sara M wrote:
>Screwtape wrote:
>> Sara M schrieb:
>> >Ed Lynn wrote:
>> >> ~Steve-o wrote:
>> >> > Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com> wrote:
>> >> >> Sara M wrote:
>> >> >>>Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com> wrote:
>> >> >>>>TechnoAtheist used 56 too many lines to say:
>> >> >>>>>Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com> wrote:
>> >> >>>>>> Sara M wrote:
>> >> >>>>>>> [4] luscious co-hort - Svetlana the Russian spy...
>> >> >>>>>>...who was actually Canadian, but always in a hurry. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and -1," said...
>> >> >>>>>...the rational Alphonz as he lept from the driver's seat, but Svetlana had no time for his imaginary pursuits as the...
>> >> >>>>...truck's speedometer hit an even eighty-seven. Thinking quickly, Svetlana jumped into the driver's seat and managed to just steer clear of a wedding ceremony for Dennis and Rebecca, a lovely pair of 68-toed sloths, merely winging a couple of weasels at the end of the receiving line. Thirty minutes later, she would stop the truck to pick up a hitchhiker named...
>> >> >>>...Zadoc...
>> >> >>>Svetlana *knew* it was Zadoc - the special tracer-chemicals she'd cunningly impregnated all her oracular supplications with had seeped into his cells and made the needle on her concealed detector-device swing wildly as he climbed aboard...
>> >> >>The truck, that is.
>> >> >>>Svetlana smiled and patted the newly-vacant seat beside her, her fingers gentle as she did up the complex harness for him...
>> >> >>...and the strange device he was holding. The way the lights blinked red, green, and a sort of mauve...it almost looked like it could have been a... [5]
>> >> >... Adult novelty toy with Doc Brown's Mr. Fission power supply! Svetlana smiled and asked ...
>> >> ..."Didn't I just read about that device in the February 2000 Consumer Reports?" Zadoc mumbled something under his breath then held it up for all to hear. "Yes. It received their highest rating. 0 to 60 in 0.3 seconds."
>> >> "Then," asked Svetlana, "you wouldn't mind if...
>> >...I *didn't* have the usual wild passionate lust-crazed flesh-sex with you would you? Only I've heard SO much about these wonderful whirring novelty toys you have on this planet and I've *always* wanted to...
>> ...acquire one of these in a bout of, what do you call it - "shopping"? Mmmm, shopping! My heart leaps for joy! Quick, Comrade, onward!"
>> Zadoc put the truck into reverse and sped back down the highway, grovelling and kissing Svetlana's grubby elbows all the while. Unfortunately, during a particularly abasing slobber, his foot slipped off the pedals and the truck collided with...
>...a giant erection in the middle of the road. This of course peeved the giant off no end, so he formed a fist and squashed the truck flat with a horrible laugh...

...track. Del Monte Canned Laughter, to be exact. Now that that was all taken care of, where the hell was his can opener? Damn, the ex had gotten it in the settlement. He'd just have to use a...


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net)
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/10

From a remote bunker, Sara M issued the following manifesto:
> trog wrote:
>> Tom "Tom" Harrington wrote ...
>> > From a remote bunker, Ed Lynn issued the following manifesto:
>> > > [5] ...and the strange device he was holding. The way the lights blinked red, green, and a sort of mauve...it almost looked like it could have been a...
>> > brightly-lit "Burma Shave" sign on the side of the road. Svetlana looked out the window. It WAS a Burma-Shave sign, after all. In fact it was a long line of them, but instead of the usual story-telling series of signs, it was just one "Burma-Shave" after another. It was hypnotic. Svetlana sat there and watched them go by....
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>> >
>> > "Burma Shave"
>>
>> ... then she realised she'd been misreading them all along - "Burmas have ... " - and looking down, she read the rest of the message:

>>  _____________
>> | Burmas have |
>> |   better    |
>> |   bondage   |
>> |_____   _____|
>>       | |
>>       | |

>> "Zadoc", she said, "What do Burmas do to have fun?" Despite his harness complex he smiled and said, " ...
> "TIGERS"

Nathan! Ben! Bad news! They're developing an immunity!


From: Petulantia Spliffbint (Never_Read.email.com)
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/14

Also Sprach Sara M:
> > > > > Sex is fun.
> > > > Yes, it was, wan't it?
> > > Oi - but you're a girl aren't you...?
> > So?
> > > (hey P S - what's a bet we've got a *whole* lot of attention already?)
> > You mean it's that long since you had any either?
> Mmmm - how long is "long"...?

I got nekkid and still lost count, so it's got to be over 21 days.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: È«ÏòÍâÖÃ33.6kèֻÊÛÒ»Ôª,¿ìÀ´ÇÀ°¡£¡£¡£¡£¡
From: Ed Lynn <pasquinade.hushmail.com>
Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 10:22:54 -0500

ye used 24 too many lines to say:
> ÎÒÔÚwww.YaBuy.comÍøÕ¾ÉÏ¿´µ½ "È«ÏòÍâÖÃ33.6kèֻÊÛÒ»Ôª" ÕýÔÚ¾º¼Û³öÊÛ¡£ÌØÏò ÄúÍƼö¡£Ï£ÍûÄú¹Ø×¢¡£Á˽âÏêÇéÖ±½Óµã»÷£º http://www.YaBuy.com/bid/Detail.asp?id=188518
> ÉÌì÷£¡

Murray had obviously drank way too much alcohol the previous night. His head was throbbing, his stomach set on "lurch," and everyone seemed to speaking gibberish.

Rising to his feet after rising, falling, rising, and falling, he steadied himself and proceeded to open the door. The strange individual on the other side appeared to be covered in maggots and earthworms. When he spoke, it was frequently in unprintable characters. It seemed to Murray that the individual (he assumed it to be one person, but it very well could've been more since he was quite large and appeared to be banging on several doors in the hall simultaneously) was selling magazine subscriptions.

Not in the market for any reading material, Murray slammed the door in what he assumed to be the being's face and climbed back into the warmth and security of his bed.

Months later he would be arrested on a DUI charge and enter into rehab where he would meet the girl of his dreams. Sadly, he would not be the man of hers and, depressed, he ends his life by stepping out in front of a speeding Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: IBPerl 0.7 Segfault
From: "Anthony Martin" <anthonySP.M.trams.com>
Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 10:52:21 -0800

I posted this a number of months back, so I just wanted to make sure 0.8 was immune to it. If you execute the code as is, the script segfaults when it displays the content of the last row. If you change NAME from a CHAR to a VARCHAR, it works fine and does not segfault. I also test the SELECT with pIsql after test.gdb is created, and although the data displays perfectly, typing quit; gives a segfault too, where isql does performs the operation completely without segfaults.

Here is the script:

--- begin [grocery_list.pl] ---

#!/usr/bin/perl -w

use strict;
use IBPerl;

if(-e "test.gdb") { unlink "test.gdb"; }

my ($db, $tr, $st, $SQL);

$db = create IBPerl::Connection(Path => "test.gdb", User => "WHOEVER",
Password => "whatever"); die $db->{Error} if $db->{Handle} < 0;

$tr = new IBPerl::Transaction(Database => $db); die $tr->{Error} if
$tr->{Handle} < 0;
$SQL =<<END_OF_QUERY;
CREATE TABLE GROCERY_LIST (
GROCERY_REC INT NOT NULL,
MANUFACTURER INT NOT NULL,
STORE_LINKREC INT NOT NULL ,
NAME CHAR(20), /* change this to VARCHAR, and nothing segfaults */
SODIUM INT /* mg per serving */
);
END_OF_QUERY
$st = new IBPerl::Statement(Transaction => $tr, Stmt => $SQL); die
$st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;
$st->execute(); die $st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;

$SQL =<<END_OF_QUERY;
CREATE UNIQUE ASCENDING INDEX RDB\$PRIMARY10 ON GROCERY_LIST (GROCERY_REC);
END_OF_QUERY
$st = new IBPerl::Statement(Transaction => $tr, Stmt => $SQL); die
$st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;
$st->execute(); die $st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;
$tr->commit(); die $st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;

$tr = new IBPerl::Transaction(Database => $db); die $tr->{Error} if
$tr->{Handle} < 0;
$SQL =<<END_OF_QUERY;
INSERT INTO GROCERY_LIST (GROCERY_REC, MANUFACTURER, STORE_LINKREC, NAME, SODIUM) VALUES( ?, ?, ?, ?, ?);
END_OF_QUERY
$st = new IBPerl::Statement(Transaction => $tr, Stmt => $SQL); die
$st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;
$st->execute(1000, 1000, 1000, 'Low Fat Granola', 120); die $st->{Error} if
$st->{Handle} < 0;
$st->execute(1001, 1000, 1000, 'Smacks®', 50); die $st->{Error} if
$st->{Handle} < 0;
$st->execute(1002, 1000, 1000, 'Strawberry Squares®', 15); die $st->{Error}
if $st->{Handle} < 0;
$tr->commit(); die $st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;

$tr = new IBPerl::Transaction(Database => $db); die $tr->{Error} if
$tr->{Handle} < 0;
$SQL =<<END_OF_QUERY;
SELECT * FROM GROCERY_LIST;
END_OF_QUERY
$st = new IBPerl::Statement(Transaction => $tr, Stmt => $SQL); die
$st->{Error} if $st->{Handle} < 0;

my $i=0;
my .result;
while($st->fetch(\%{$result[$i++]}) == 0) { ; }

for(my $i = 0; $i < .result; $i++) {
foreach my $field (keys %{$result[$i]}) {
print "${field}: ${$result[$i]}{$field}\n";
}
}

--- end [grocery_list.pl] ---

My main concern is that the above script _works_ with 0.8 because our central database uses CHAR pretty often. We could probably move everything over to VARCHAR, but we'd like to avoid that.

Anthony


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IBPerl 0.7 Segfault
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 08 Mar 2000 08:11:55 -0800

"Anthony Martin" <anthonySP.M.trams.com> wrote:
>I posted this a number of months back, so I just wanted to make sure 0.8 was
(snip)
>Here is the script:
>
>--- begin [grocery_list.pl] ---

Yet another instance where I'm glad I don't work for webvan. With a list like that, no wonder they don't deliver to you.

A simpler implementation would be:

#!/use/english -words

my .list = ("bread", "milk", "toilet paper", "lettuce");

use Car;
my $car=Car::getCurrent();
$car->driveTo("Store");

use Store;
my $store=Store::select("grocery store");

use Basket;
my $basket=Basket::pop();
my $cost;
foreach my $item (.list)
{
$basket->add($store->locate($item));
$cost += $store->priceCheck($item);
}

my .groceries = $basket->contents();

use Wallet;
my $money=Wallet:open("mine");
$money->pay($store, $cost);
$money->close("mine");

$car->insert(.groceries);
$car->driveTo("Home");
$car->extract(.groceries);

push(.fridge,.groceries);


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IBPerl 0.7 Segfault
From: "Anthony Martin" <anthonySP.M.trams.com>
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 09:01:23 -0800

Hmm, I adjusted the shebang, and still got:

Can't locate Car.pm in .INC (.INC contains:
/usr/lib/perl5/5.00503/i586-linux /usr/lib/perl5/5.00503
/usr/lib/perl5/site_perl/5.005/i586-linux.
BEGIN failed--compilation aborted at grocery_list.pl line 5.

What am I doing wrong?


Anthony

#!/usr/bin/perl -w
$_="etBneT gWam,.f Igi' m.I rej iuspsb tot aspe lthayeymsidene gtsarhlkso";$_.=$1,print$2while s/(..)(.)//;


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IBPerl 0.7 Segfault
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 8 Mar 2000 18:23:25 GMT

Anthony Martin <anthonySP.M.trams.com> said:
>Hmm, I adjusted the shebang, and still got:
>
>Can't locate Car.pm in .INC (.INC contains:
>/usr/lib/perl5/5.00503/i586-linux /usr/lib/perl5/5.00503
>/usr/lib/perl5/site_perl/5.005/i586-linux.
>BEGIN failed--compilation aborted at grocery_list.pl line 5.
>
>What am I doing wrong?

It's kinda like a big snow storm...you know the car is there, but you can't find the path to it.

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies need to shovel out their cdr


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: IBPerl 0.7 Segfault
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Wed, 08 Mar 2000 20:50:05 -0800

dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>Wouldn't it be better to make basket a tied hash to Basket::Shopping? That way you could just add and remove objects (heh) yourself, and let the underlying methods adjust the shelf inventory accordingly. Then let Store::CheckOut retie it to Basket::Purchases. That way the basket is under the control of the store (since you didn't bring your own, you cheap bastard).

Well, yes, but that would obsolete Store::Clerk(), and they have unions.

>dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies steal shopping carts

No big, garbage collection takes care of them.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: Jeffrey Kaplan <postmaster.gordol.org>
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 07:04:46 GMT

Nobody Knows said:
; >>| Who had his vasectomy this morning and has stitches in places he can't scratch.
; >>Ouch. Condolences. Rest. Ice. Jock. Painkillers.
; >Yes, ~Steve-o is loaded on painkillers but still feels like he was kicked in the groin by a buffalo.
; >>Freyja
; >>whose Green Beret dad was rumored to have jogged home after his vasectomy
; >Oh, I believe it. The surgery was nothing. I read a "People" throughout and didn't even notice when they were done. In fact, I drove myself home and carried stuff in from the car.
; Mine was done at a teaching hospital and the two people who did me (I assume I was a final) were the only two females in the program. Both of them were cheerleader cute too, so I was trying to chat them up while they were busy fondling my balls...

At least that takes care of getting it out of the way of the surgery.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: Richard Wilson <richard.molerat.demon.co.uk>
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 17:30:25 +0000

Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com> writes
>Also Sprach ~Steve-o:
>> I'm loaded up on codeine and I *still* hurt.
>And you'll be walking like John Wayne for a few days.

And, in a week's time, John Wayne smuggling a hedgehog through customs.

-Richard Wilson-*----*----*----*-----*-richard.molerat.demon.co.uk-
--*----*---*---*-----*----*-He was had up for that in 68, ya know--


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Mon, 13 Mar 2000 08:09:31 -0800

brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul) wrote:
>TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com> wrote:
>>steveo.moonman.com (~Steve-o) wrote:
>>> dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks) wrote:
>>>>>Careful or next time you'll get the high heeled boot turned sideways and shoved up a certain candy arse, ~Steve-o.
>>>>Just how many and what other kinds of asses does Steve-o have?
>>>Hey, my asses and the number/size/shape/color thereof is a topic that is strictly between me and my RealGerbil.
>>>>I have the conch!
>>>Do we have to do the RHOD dance?
>>Well, yes, kind of, but it also involves two large tropical fish, lederhosen, and the B side of Tubular Bells played at 45 RPM.
>Your chillingly accurate description of my private life leaves me no alternative but to purchase several large buckets of black paint for the windows of my house.

Good, he's leaving the electrical sockets open.

Damn, left the keyboard on again..
*click


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: you are now entering a restricted area
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 22:25:26 -0500

On Wed, 15 Mar 2000, Comrade Uncle Jesse declared:
} Personally, my favorite part is just before you fall asleep and your eyes go all fuzzy and you start to feel good and float away and giggle and stuff. Too bad that the next thing you know you are groggy and you hurt and it's like hours later/the next day.

Ah... the perfect date.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: X-face
From: latebird.usa.net (Ben)
Date: Wed, 08 Mar 2000 03:21:52 -0600

thristianSPAMFREEZONE.atdot.org wrote:
>-Sara M schrieb:
>->Jason wrote:
>->> "Matt K." wrote:
>->> > Jim Evans wrote:
>->> > > JIM, HTH, HAND, FOOT, etc.
>->> > "Fuck Off On Toast"?
>->> Figment Of Others Tipsiness
>->Falling Out Of Taverns?
>-Fred's One-Owner Truckosauri.

Is it possible it was just a joke?

Y'kno, hand, foot, haha, etc?

/me goes and hides.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: X-face
From: dmacks.mail.sas.upenn.edu (Daniel E. Macks)
Date: 10 Mar 2000 23:25:43 GMT

Ben Fisher <ben.fisher.spam.buster.intel.com> said:
>Henriette Kress wrote:
>> Henriette Kress <hetta.saunalahti.fi> wrote:
>> >Henriette (I used to have a really neat alphabet table, to be used when you spell something out on the phone. I only remember that it had "i" like in "I", but the rest were equally clearcut. I'm sorry I've lost it, it was great.)
>> Wait, I remembered some more.
>> "e" like in "eye"
>> "y" like in "you"
>> "w" like in "why"
>> Heh. Anybody got the full set?
>The only ones I could think of on short notice:
>"a" like in "are"
>"s" like in "sea"

"a" as in "aye"
"c" as in "cue"
"d" as in "doubleyou"
"e" as in "el", "em", "en", "ewe"
"q" as in "quay"

dan, whose bright red Siamese fighting fishies have been blacklisted by the operators of, milligram for milligram, more phone companies than any creature in the universe


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What is the Oracle?
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 23:50:28 -0500

On Fri, 10 Mar 2000, Comrade Charles A. Lieberman declared:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} >Why don't you ask the Oracle?
} I tried that.

Sorry, I just wanted to be the first to say that. Mea Culpa.

Tell her... the Oracle is a gentle breeze ruffling your hair on a summer's day. The Oracle is the laughter of little children. The Oracle is a warm puppy. The Oracle is the look your beloved gives you when you put the seat down for the first time. The Oracle is freshly mowed grass. The Oracle is love, baby, love. The Oracle is every Nobel Peace Prize winner ever going camping together and holding hands around the camp fire and singing songs. The Oracle is that bubble, when you're blowing bubbles, that's just so much bigger than all the others, and floats off wobbling into the sky and that moment just before it pops when the colors are the most beautiful, that's the Oracle.

Or you could tell her the truth. I mean, she knows what you're like by now, so it can't hurt, right?

JIM, who's wishing he had just incarnated, instead...


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: What is the Oracle?
From: Sara M <egk.speedlink.com.au>
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 16:10:02 +1100

Freyja wrote:
> Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> wrote:
> | Al Sharka wrote:
> | > Freyja wrote:
> | > > Sara M wrote
> | > > | Ian Davis wrote:
> | > > | > Petulantia Spliffbint wrote:
> | > > | > > Also Sprach Charles A. Lieberman:
> | > > | > > > My girlfriend asked me what the Oracle is.
> | > > | > > > What can I tell her?
> | > > | > > All together now....
> | > > | > [They're too slow, I'll have to do it]
> | > > | > It's PEOPLE! The Oracle is PEOPLE!!
> | > > | And PEOPLE tastes like CHICKEN!
> | > > What does chicken taste like?
> | > It's foul.
> | That was for the birds.
> Well, birds of a feather...

*FLOCK* together.

Do try and get it right this time - that albatross *still* hasn't come down off the roof.

EVIL Goodbye Kitty
tweet


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: Bill East <eastb.concentric.net>
Date: 09 Mar 2000 23:08:11 EST

"Matt K." <matt.outer-NOT.com> wrote:
>Speaking of soccer hooligans, did anyone else catch the footage of the "fight" in Greece yesterday (or was it today? I forget). A group of "fans" supporting one team threw firebombs at a bus full of supporters of another team. When the people started jumping out of the bus windows to escape the flames they were then pelted with rocks. No deaths, but a few people in hospital and the bus is totalled.
>
>People are disgusting.
>
>Wibble.

Speaking of wibble, while I don't often go to sports events these days, what's the point? An official description of the event would seem to me to read:

After leaving your car in a county adjoining the stadium, you will be strip-searched and probed in order to make sure you are carrying no forbidden substances. You may then proceed to your seat and argue with the Elbonian family of 37 who has taken up residence in it in order to sit down. If you wish refreshment, you may order our new Homeopathic Lite beer and a variety of cardboard containers (caution: do not attempt to ingest contents) after speaking with our home equity loan specialist.

Today's entertainment will consist of two groups of illiterate billionaire drug addicts, sponsored by Quasi-Legal Steroid Substitutes 'R' Us, attempting to make professional wrestling look spontanous by comparison. When exiting the stadium, please be sure to deposit $25 million in the "New Stadium Fund" containers, or else we will pull up stakes and move to Bend, Oregon.

p.s. - Your car has been towed. You may pick it up as soon as the radio removal crew has finished.

wibble, wibble.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: Jim Evans <jevans.physics.uottawa.ca>
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 12:01:18 -0500

On Sat, 11 Mar 2000, Comrade Sara M declared:
} Jim Evans wrote:
} > Heh. It was probably Hextall.
} Did you know that "hockey" means "no sex" in Girlsprach?

Girlsprach has to be the strangest language ever. To say, "no sex", you say, "hockey". To say, "no sex ever", you say, "physics".

Talk about irregular verbs.

JIM


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Help please...
From: brightredfish.mindspring.com (Paul)
Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 15:14:24 GMT

"Richard Fitzpatrick" <fitzmor.webone.Pb.com.au> wrote:
>Paul wrote...
><snip cruel , but very funny, prank>
>>The name "viper milk" was my idea.
>That was you? You bastard. The stock-controller didn't trust me for weeks after that.

I also have an idea for a great "energy" product. We sell all sorts of things that are supposed to give folks an energy boost -- mostly they are mild stimulants, and are taken in the form of a liquid, tablet, or capsule, i.e., orally. My idea is for an energy suppository. The brand name will be "Swift Kick(TM)"

Radio Announcer: Try the NEW IMPROVED energy supplement that will put your get up and go back where it got up and went from! New "Swift Kick(TM)" suppositories are made from a special blend of herbs, vitamins, and minerals, all formulated to gently yet firmly remove lead from the place you need it extracted from most.

Female VO: My husband sat around all day with the TV remote in one hand and a bag of cheese puffs in the other. I slipped him just ONE Swift Kick(TM) suppository in the middle of the night, and he's been busy as a bee ever since! He waxed my car, he mowed the lawn...Thank you Swift Kick(TM)!

Male VO: My boss told me I needed to get the lead out, so I tried Swift Kick(TM) suppositories. Now I work fourteen hour days, have a new office, and a bigger salary than I ever dreamed possible! Thank you Swift Kick(TM)!

Radio Announcer: Take it from these satisfied customers: Swift Kick(TM) really gets the lead out!

Jingle: %

If you're in a bind, or stuck in a rut
You'll be left behind, sittin' on your butt.
Try Swift Kick(TM) now! It's really a gas!
You need a Swift Kick(TM) in the ass!
%


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Natural Cherry Flavor
From: TechnoAtheist <technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com>
Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 07:57:30 -0800

Carla Miriam Levy <cml246.nyu.edu> wrote:
>Jim Deutch wrote:
><snip>
>> So, obviously, they make natural cherry flavor from, well, cherries. My question is What do they do with the rest of the cherry once they've taken out the flavor?
><snip>
>and another thing ... they make olive oil by loading olives into a huge press and mashing them until the oil oozes out, right?
>So how do they make baby oil?

Fortunately, no crushing is involved. Premium oil is made by placing the babies on a regimine of fruits, milk and crisco. They are then placed in saunas, or on specially made exercise equipment with drip pans located underneath.

Sadly corruption is rampant in the Baby oil market. Johnson's Baby, Bob, is actually a 480 lb, 70 year old man. After years of experience he is able to literally squirt oil directly into vats. The sweet baby smell is actually the result of Bob's fondness for crullers.

Just thought you'd like to know.


Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Subject: Re: Annual Request
From: teh.Apexmail.com (Teh [tie:poe])
Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 21:48:50 GMT

Viki wrote:
>Petulantia Spliffbint <Never_Read.email.com> wrote:
>> It's March 14th. May I have my RHODHug, please?
>Is it someone's birthday or are we just needy once a year?

Yay! international pi day!

I can't wait till Teh year 15926.


From: ~Steve-o (steveo.moonman.com)
Subject: Re: sex
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/13

And now for something completely different...

Cut to Michael Palin walking into a small office. Behind the desk sits John Cleese with a funny mustache.

Palin: Excuse me, is this the bureau of Motor Cars?

Cleese: huge cocks, tits, sex, pic, video, exchange.

Palin: Excuse me?

Cleese: huge cocks, tits, sex, pic, video, exchange.

Palin: I'm sorry. I take it this is *not* the bureau of Motor Cars.

Cleese: No. I'm afraid this is the ... Britney Spears, Hump, Asian, Young, Teen, Teenage, Mpeg, Warez, ... sorry, where was I?

Palin: The bureau, which is this?

Cleese: Ah yes, this is the bureau of Key Words ~Steve-o Uses in his Metafiles.

Palin: Oh, I see. Not very useful is it?

Cleese: Well it got you in here didn't it?

Palin: It most certainly did not.

Cleese: As I recall, I was some where around "boylovers" when you walked in.

Palin: What?! That's outrageous! I've never been so insulted in...

Cleese: Insults are three doors down and to the left.


From: Charles A. Lieberman (yvrorezn.voicenet.com)
Subject: Re: sex
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/15

Jason wrote:
>> >I dunno. Isn't that what we're all shouting for subconsciously? Why else would a portion of every thread turn into a discussion of DMP's penis, or assorted females' breasteses?
>> On the other hand, why does a portion of ever thread turn to a discussion of Pink Floyd?
>Or, for that matter, Monty Python. Maybe everyone wants to have sex listening to Pink Floyd and watching Monty Python.

Or vice versa. Or everyone wants to watch and listen to Monty Python
have sex with Pink Floyd.


From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph.pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net)
Subject: Re: Way out west
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/14

Petulantia Spliffbint wrote:
> Also Sprach Al Sharka:
>> } There are three "l"s in his name. Please use at least two of them.
>> Three? Malcolm Plack?
> Invalid assumption. Redo from start.

What Petulantia is hinting at here is that Mr. Pcak is in fact Welsh. Therefore the proper spelling of his name is "Llmalcom Pcak".


From: Jim Evans (jevans.physics.uottawa.ca)
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/08

Comrade ~Steve-o declared:
} Jim Evans jevans.physics.uottawa.ca wrote:
} > JIM, whose Big Sig rides a pale horse named Binky...
} No no no no no. That's Alt.Sex.Bestiality.Sigs. This is Rec.Humor.Oracle.D. Really Jim, if you're not going to keep your groups straight we're going to stop talking to you.

Promise?

JIM


From: TechnoAtheist (technoatheist.spamIsBad.email.com)
Subject: Re: What to do, what to do?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 2000/03/07

"Freyja" <lkparrish.cannedmeat.home.com> wrote:
>Nathan Sullivan <alfonso.pants.nu> wrote:
>| Chris Wesling <cwesling.home.cannedmeat.com> writes:
>| > Nathan Sullivan wrote:
>| > > Although this is a cascade, it is clever, and requires original thought. Therefore, I am issuing a temporary cascading permit, conditioned on the continued originality of this thread. Rest assured that if it gets silly, I'll be back.
>| > >--Nathan "Cascade Cop, giggling" Sullivan
>| > Isn't this one of the signs of the Apocalypse?
>| Probably.
>| So much the better.
>| --Nathan "Putting the finishing touches on my summoning circle" Sullivan
>Stop that. I refuse to go to the Afterlife with a month-long migraine.

The worse thing is that he's drawing it on his whiteboard. What he expects to be able to do with a hell-spawn that keeps plopping onto the floor is beyond me...



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